obituary
SUSPENDERS 1820 - 1990 Archive: December 31, 1990
New York, NY (AP) - Suspenders of many colors, shapes, materials, and modes by which to connect to pants succumbed yesterday unexpectedly after nearly two hundred years of keeping men fitting well in their clothes. Known by such nicknames as X-back, Y-back, and even H-back as a youth, Suspenders rose to prominence in the 1820s with the help of British manufacturer Albert Thurston, a savior of men wearing the low-cut pants of the day. Mark Twain’s government alias, Samuel Clemens, furthered the meteoric rise by claiming such patents as the metal clips on the ends. Finally, in the twilight of their life, Alex DeLarge and his droogs immortalized the look in Stanley Kubrick’s 1970 film adaptation of Anthony Burgess’ classic 1962 dystopian novel, A Clockwork Orange. They were forgiving of tooloose pants. They served as a place for weary anxious 104 \ Febuary - March 2012
thumbs to rest. “They were flexible, easy-going, could really adapt to any situation,” said a close friend of Suspenders. “It’s my fault really. I stopped appreciating them. I was worried about what other people said when they saw us together. They were getting old, and in my vanity I lost attraction. Looking back, I wish I had acted differently and realized what a great and useful friend I had. I hope I’ll see them again, in this era or the next one (sniffle).” Their long-losing fight with pop fashion was definitively lost when a Google search began to render a FiDi bar with a (horrendous) website in first place, a symbolic death knell to the once dominant alpha pants holders. They are survived by Larry King and some wannabe punk rockers, and are the only thing that Gordon Gekko and Steve Urkel had in common. The belt was unavailable for comment, but is rumored to be doing just fine, though beginning to reckon with mortality and look over its buckle. Respects can be paid on Halloween, prom, weddings, or even normal weekend nights out in certain areas of Brooklyn and the Lower East Side.