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This edition of The Rambler is to be taken in jest as it is April Fool’s!

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The Lambler

The students’ voice since 1917

Fort Worth, Texas

April Fool’s 2008

NEWS BRIEFS Got Skateball? The United States’ first ever national skateball championships will be held April 29 in the Sid Richardson Gymnasium. The Wesleyan Lambs will face off against Texas Christian University and Arkansas State University, the only other two universities to have heard of the game. The first match begins at 7 a.m. Team members must bring their own skateboard.

President’s Food Forum University President Hal Jeffcoat wants your opinions about food. Not food on campus, just food in general. What is your favorite restaurant, soft drink or color of sprinkles? Make your voice heard! The forum will take place at 2 a.m. April 28 in Dora’s Residential Restaurant.

Getting loose no longer permitted in the ARC TIPSY GONE STAFF WRITER

Walking in Texas Wesleyan University’s Academic Resource Center (the ARC), students were well aware of the privilege they had. While getting free tutoring in math and writing from phenomenal student tutors and help finding employment, TWU students could also enjoy a tall one. Until recently, students could drink any alcohol they brought along with them. This privilege, however, is no longer available in the ARC. Alcohol was once allowed in this area of the library when it was a meeting area, but the facilities department recently reviewed the campus alcohol policy to add the Baker Martin Pavilion to the list of permissible places for alcohol. It was at this time that it was discovered that the east room of the library had not been removed from the list when it was converted to the ARC. ARC officials were also finding that students were coming to the ARC to have a drink rather than get the academic help they needed. “Parties were so loud that it was disturbing everyone in the library,” said Glynn Mathis, director of the ARC. From 2003 to 2007, the number of students using the ARC tripled from 400 to 1,200. Mathis said they began to fear it was because of the alcohol rather than the academic and career services. Although the ARC saw a high volume of students coming through its doors, average student grades across the Wesleyan campus in math and English courses were not good. Instead of overall student performance in the areas of math and English increasing, a major decline in performance was detected in these areas. “Findings indicate that alcohol relaxes people; therefore, it was difficult for the tutors to force-feed the students with the information they needed in math and writing when alcohol was consumed,” said Mathis. TWU English and math department faculty brought performance figures to the attention of ARC officials. Math and English teachers complained about the ARC’s wet status, say-

A Legend Returns! For one day only, campus legend and honorary voice instructor Britney Spears returns to Wesleyan for a very special voice workshop. Attendees (music majors only) will master the “super-sexy hyperventilation” technique, learn 32 ways to sing the phrase “oh, baby” and receive a limited edition Britney pacifier. Beer and cigarettes provided.

First Official Meeting The first meeting of Wesleyan’s home chapter of the United Association of Student Procrastinators is coming! We will decide on a time, date and place later.

HOT JOBS @ Career Services - Wal-Mart, bagger - Polytechnic Cemetary, caretaker - New Orleans Nights, “waitress” - TWU, Britney teaching assistant - Taco Casa, taco crisper

Courtesy of Google Images

ing that it was hurting the students rather than benefiting them. “When alcohol was allowed in the ARC, my students were averaging 20s on exams,” said Dr. Jane Moore, head of Wesleyan’s math department. Instead of seeing an increase in the number of A’s and B’s in the classroom, TWU math and writing professors saw a major rise in the amount of D’s and

See ARC, page 2

Wesleyan mascot stolen, Lilly Lamb replacment BABA BLACK

Musical Auditions! Theater professors Connie Whitt-Lambert and Joe Brown are now auditioning for the 2008 fall musical, a live production of Once More, With Feeling, the classic musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Be prepared to sing either The Mustard or Bunnies as well as do a jig.

Vol. 100, No. 7 3/4

other organizations with a logo flaunting a ram must alter their insignia. STAFF WRITER Wesleyan’s ram logo dates back to 1930s with The vote for a new Wesleyan logo came to a the school’s name changed from Texas Womens’ vote before the board of trustees last week after College to Texas Wesleyan University. Chrysler LLC filed a patent on behalf of Vice President its Dodge automobile line for its long- “We are hopeful that the Schooner Wiliams said standing horned-ram logo. Wesleyan’s new mascot will be a hit the school is sorry to part logo will now be a lamb. with the old-time with students and that they “We want our Dodge Rams to not will wear the lamb with Wesleyan icon, but that only stand apart from every other vehicle pride.” the change will be as out there on the road, but also to hold an minimal as possible. unique symbol, one that all will recog“We feel the transi– Schooner Williams nize for greatness,” said Dodge tion will be easiest on Vice President spokesman Dale Goat. “It will be a symstudents and faculty bol of the Dodge ruggedness, endurance and qual- alike if the new icon resembles the ram but is difity.” ferent enough to appease Dodge.” Chrysler filed for a patent last fall. The patent The new logo, a fluffy white lamb, was chowas granted this February and, as of April 1st, all sen as the most similar option. The fair sheep will

signify the purity of Wesleyan education. “Instead of fighting with intimidation, Wesleyan will now be fighting with prayer and supplication,” said Williams. The athletic department is hesitant about the switch. “We are a bit worried about being taken seriously by our opponents, but we will fight through,” said Martin Fields, director of athletics. The change is beginning to be evident on campus. The campus newspaper is being renamed The Lambler, and new spirit apparel and accessories will be available in the bookstore in upcoming weeks. “We’re hopeful that the new mascot will be a hit with students and that they will wear the lamb with pride,” said Williams. The mascot will be named Lilly.“It’s a nice transition from Willy,” said Williams.

Bell discovers child cartoon cause of cancer NOHABLA ESPANOL STAFF WRITER

Monnica Wingate, a Wesleyan senior, is very upset. Every morning before heading out the door, she treats her daughter to an episode of Dora the Explorer. But not anymore. Starting March 22, episodes of Dora were pulled from television line-ups, DVDs of the program disappeared from shelves, and piñatas bearing her bright smile were nowhere to be found at the neighborhood Carnival grocery store. “All because of one of my own professors. This is absolutely disgusting,” said Wingate. Wingate refers to Dr. Amy Bell, professor of Spanish. Bell met with the educational show’s creators and producers March 21. Within minutes of the meeting’s dismissal, news of the show’s fate had spread across the nation. Nickelodeon and Dora co-creator Chris Gifford have not yet released a statement explaining the hasty decision, but said that they “had no choice” and that Bell would address the topic at an upcoming presentation she will give at New York University April 1. Although the subject seems to be of a top-secret nature, Bell was kind enough to speak exclusively with The Rambler. “It’s just too terrible to imagine, the things she does to you. People won’t want to believe it, but the proof is all there,” said Bell. Bell, an avid fan of foreign languages, wanted to determine to what degree language-themed children’s programs aided in learning a second language. She started up the program in the fall of 2007 as collaboration between the foreign language and psychology departments.

Thirty Fort Worth elementary school students signed up for the program, which had participants take a Spanish class and watch an hour of Dora the Explorer a day. “Everything was going fine. We were collecting significant amounts of data, getting close to discovering an answer,” said Bell. But the original experiment was never completed. A week before the end date, all the participants came down ill. Doctors assumed the children had passed around a cold. Soon enough it was clear the reality was far more serious. Friends of Bell from Cook’s Children’s Hospital admitted the children for tests and discovered that all the children had developed brain cancer. “I made my niece watch an episode the next day. It was her first time. Within minutes the cancer was there. By the half hour mark, it was unstoppable. We put together a report, got on a plane and met with the producers the next day,” said Bell. Now that Dora’s reign is suddenly over, at least for now, Gifford is hopeful that Bell’s claims will be proven wrong. “Dora belongs on the air. Without it, the Spanish language has no hope of survival, and I have car payments,” said Gifford. Bell doubts Dora will return to the air or store shelves. “We know for a fact that cancer growth begins after three minutes of viewing, then takes over the brain within an hour. The piñatas work instantly. If Spanish has to die so our children can grow up, good riddance,” said Bell. Bell looks forward to her NYU presentation but also has her sights even farther in the future. “After Dora’s gone once and for all, we’re taking on big tobacco next,” Bell said.

The Rambler Vol. 100 No. 7  

Rambler 3.26.08, Lambler

The Rambler Vol. 100 No. 7  

Rambler 3.26.08, Lambler

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