Dear T
God, w will ke compa studen is this for yo establi dough
Volume LXXXIX
Spring(ish) 2014
Issue Three
Editorial Staff Editors-in-Chief: Monica Schechter ‘14 Justin Starr ‘14 Nikhil Menezes ‘15
Big Spoons: Hayley Brooks Emily Leven Dave Sharples Naomi Mae Shavin Executive Editors: Conor Nickel Julia Hurley ‘14 Jamie Picano Kira Simon ‘15 Daniela Bucay Managing Editors: Suvadip Choudhury ‘15 Andres Gonzalez Miguel Davila Jonathan Calles ‘16 Laura Doherty Meaghan Harding ‘16 Tarek Elsayed Myles Wolfe ‘16 Rob Golden Hamza Qaiser Double Secret Probation: Connor Ryan Daniel Gelfarb ‘15 Theo Trampe Daniel Gillis ‘15 Adam Cole ‘16 Ben Behrend Kishan Patel Noah Goldman ‘16
want to see your name on this page?
come to our meetings! Info can be found at thepunchbowl.net WARNING: Magazine May Be
Little Spoons: Gloria Huangpu Katie Sgarro Sam Anthony Zac Endter Anirudh Singh
Alright, SAC, we have to level with you. We’re not who you think we are. Since 1899, we at The Punch Bowl have tricked you into thinking that you’re funding an organization comprised of Penn’s best writers striving to create the funniest material possible. Wrong. The Punch Bowl is written by a team of depraved lunatics locked in the basement of Huntsman Hall. Funny thing about these psychopaths is that they have an insatiable craving for the taste of US currency. So, SAC, your funding is passed
‘14 ‘14 ‘14 ‘14 ‘14 ‘14 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘16 ‘16 ‘15 ‘15 ‘16 ‘16 ‘16
Little Spoons (cont.): Matt Solowey ‘16 Jaimie Zhang ‘16 Bart Buurman ‘17 Iman Charania ‘17 Michael Coyne ‘17 Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie ‘17 Chris Haddad ‘17 Chris Hatler ‘17 Luke Hoban ‘17 Ben Jiang ‘17 Camille Jwo ‘17 Matthew Kelemen ‘17 Max Levy ‘17 Leora Mincer ‘17 Tiffany Pham ‘17 Caitlyn Rand ‘17 Rachel Rubin ‘17 Jeffrey Silver ‘17 Ariel Smith ‘17 Sheida Takmil ‘17 Miranda van Dijk ‘17 James Wang ‘17
straight from your generous coffers into the mouths of our vicious writers. Our printing is actually funded by proceeds from selling the organs of our freshman, to whom we extend our sincerest thanks. As for you, SAC, we would also like to thank you for blindly enabling us to keep our ravenous band of vicious writer-carnivores at bay, and allowing us to create a clean, well-edited student publication.
The on becom writing enoug every about for hav Do yo
Unfort portab everyt sensiti doctor myself missio me the fearles
This w but wi disgui glowin that yo
In othe deport
Toodle
P.S. Fo
Copyright Punch Bowl 2014. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead or livingdead, is purely coincidental.
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THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
THEP
ree
Dear TSA Molestation Survivors, God, what a year it’s been! I managed to make sure Penn will keep investing in those deliciously profitable tobacco companies. I finally got rid of the travesty of charging students under $60,000 for tuition and fees — I mean, what is this a University or a kibbutz? And even some good news for you commoners, there’s apparently some new food establishment opening on campus that serves above average doughnuts and fried chicken. Isn’t that nice? The only problem is now that spring’s coming, it’s going to become really difficult to avoid bumping into — eugh, even writing the word makes me gag — students. I mean, isn’t it enough that I have to let the filthy specimens into my home every fall? Sure, it’s hilarious to watch them act all grateful about some subpar hors d’oeuvres and fruit wrapped in plastic, but that’s hardly enough for having to tolerate the cretins touching my shoulder while they take pictures with me. Do you know what that flash does to my skin???
ont.): ‘16 ‘16 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17
Unfortunately, my doctor tells me that decades of living in rooms freshly scrubbed by my portable entourage of Yemeni servants (if you need to ask why Yemeni, you’ve told me everything I need to know about you) has led to my immune system being particularly sensitive to the zoo of bacteria infesting this campus. Even more unfortunately, my doctor’s solution to this problem is for me to take a vacation to Locust Walk to expose myself to pathogen-ridden students. So this semester, I will be embarking on a special mission to integrate myself into the student populace. I will be doing so in disguise, giving me the side benefit of hearing all the wonderful things you must have to say about your fearless and beautiful supreme leader!
nto the rinting selling we ou, SAC, blindly nd of allowing ent
Toodles!
This will be the greatest ruse pulled since Amanda Bynes played a dude in She’s the Man, but with less potential for homoerotic complications. Obviously, I won’t reveal what my disguise will be (it’s totally not going to be a slutty nurse), but if you see someone with a glowing smile that seems out of place in an otherwise mediocre sea of students, just know that you may have been Gutted. In other news, if I catch anyone talking shit about me behind my back, I’ll have them deported.
P.S. Forget all the silly Spring Fling rumors. It’s John Legend for all three acts. Enjoy!
ving-
BOWL
THEPUNCHBOWL.NET
3
Country Superlatives
The votes are in, and we are proud to present the winners of the first annual International Superlative Competition. We apologize for the delay, the original votes indicated that North Korea had won every award, but as per Al Gore’s request, the recount yielded these results.
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THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
resent ze for as per
BOWL
New GPS Personalities
You: Wait, what the fu— Him: Do you have some time to learn about our lords and saviors in the Hindu faith? You: This is a seven hour flight. I guess? Him: Can we snuggle while I tell you? Do you want to see my two-person Snuggie? You: I think it would be best to stay in our own seats... Him: I promise you’ll like it. Just give it a chance. By the way, do you mind holding my thermometer while I go get something? Just make Him: Do you mind if I take sure you hold it by the off my socks? I just sprinted base. Here, hold my phone to the plane. I also had as well. Hey look! We match hard-boiled eggs and tuna on Airplane Tindr! fish this morning. But right You: I don’t use that app. I now I’m feeling fine. You think you lucked out this time. You snagged space in the overhead compartment and you have the window seat to yourself. You look around: normal people. No screaming kids, no awkward conversations. And then you see him. He’s late for boarding and huffing and puffing up the aisle. Your heart fills with dread. He somehow manages to put his bags in the overhead compartment, removes his girdle, and the following conversation occurs:
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haven’t even heard of it… Him: Oh, it’s okay. I made one for you weeks ago. But there’s still some stuff left unanswered. Do you mind answering a few questions: 1. Did you know Obama is a terrorist? 2. Why do you smell like my mom? 3. Do you believe in ghosts? 4. Can I touch your hair? 5. Do you Belieb or do you not Belieb? You: Wait, how about I ask you a question? Him: No... You: Do you know how much force it takes to smash through an airplane window? No? Let’s find out!
THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
THEP
Flying Tips If you want to take a turn flying the plane, just bang loudly on the cockpit door and don’t let anybody subdue you. If you’re in the exit row, open the emergency exit door midflight to prove your worthiness and courage! Give your fellow passengers a fun obstacle course by sticking your legs out as far as possible into the aisle. Be thoughtful of other passengers and offer them a smoke too. Headphones can dangerously prevent your ears from popping, which will cause your head to explode. It’s easier to just play your music out loud. If you’re sitting in a middle seat be sure to use both armrests so that the passengers next to you don’t feel like you’re choosing favorites.
it… ade o. But left mind tions: ama
If the person in front of you is trying to sleep, give them a massage by kicking the back of their chair.
ll like
During take-off, flapping your arms is encouraged to help generate lift forces and ensure a smooth ascent.
hair? do
If you happen to see a pilot in the airport bar before your flight, be sure to buy him a drink to show how much you appreciate his service!
I ask
w
Be sure to reveal your firearm to other passengers, so that they know they’re safe if they sit by you.
plane d out!
BOWL
THEPUNCHBOWL.NET
7
transportation cocktails pineapple juice washed-up entertainers neck sweat from the obese person before passive aggression you in the all-youcan-eat buffet line tequila in a nantucket nectars bottle
the cruise ship
the family road trip
marijuana leaf
smirnoff ice red bull handful of skittles
3.4 oz vodka emergen-c
the snowboard
the airplane 1% pantsuit 1% shredded up dollar bills
98% ben franklin’s oldest bottle of champagne
the amy gutmann’s helicopter
spritz of hairspray dash of spray tan tonic vodka
the new jersey transit