Forks in Residence Editors in Chief Meaghan Harding Jeffrey Silver Abstract Paintings of Spoons
Maestros of Design ‘17 Tiff Pham
Daniela Bucay ‘15 Susanna Buff ‘17 Jonah Arnheim ‘19 Miguel Davila ‘15 Managing Editors David Cantú ‘18 Ezra Brooks ‘19 Daniel Gelfarb ‘16 ‘15 Sam Anthony Stephan Cho ‘18 Celine Cumming ‘19 Daniel Gillis ‘15 Bart Buurman ‘17 Zac Endter ‘16 Ben Greenberg ‘19 Theo Trampe ‘15 Mike Coyne ‘17 Michael Fortunato ‘18 Scott Rubenstein ‘19 Sam Anthony ‘16 Luke Hoban ‘17 Zac Endter ‘16 Gillis Dan ‘16 Tom Nowlan Noah Goldman ‘18 Claudia ‘16 Hogan ‘18 Myles Wolfe ‘16 Kishan Patel ‘16 Matt Solowey ‘16 Susanna Buff ‘17 If you would like to see your name on this, make sure to check Iman Charania ‘17 our Facebook and Twitter page (@thepunchbowl) and get on Michael Coyne ‘17 Kelemen our Matthew listserv for updates‘17about staff meetings! We can bE reached David Cantù ‘18 at email@example.com or through ESP. FOR OLD ISSUES Jeffrey Chen ‘18 AND MORE ARTICLES, HEAD ON OVER TO THEPUNCHBOWL.NET Michael Fortunato ‘18 Amanda Prager ‘18
For now, we’re
SAC, we need to talk. We know it’s been a really great run these past few semesters, but there are some facts we all need to come to terms with. It’s the end of the semester, and neither of us really know where we’ll be next year. Honestly, we’re both aware that one of us is probably going to end up moving back in with out parents... and it’s not going to be the one who’s just a magazine with no family. So SAC, it’s not us, it’s you. And not because of this uncertainty, not because you’re honestly not that satisfying in bed. It’s because you’ve just been so fucking unfaithful. Do you know how hard that’s been for us??? We thought we had this all figured out.
You’d been sleeping around, but you realized it was wrong, and that Moratorium was going to be so good for us. But clearly we were naive, because did it last? Not at all! You’ve been giving yourself to EVERYONE nowadays. You’re buying couches for randos, and don’t even get us started on how much Zesto’s we’ve watched you whore out. You’ve pushed us to the brink, and frankly enough is enoiugh. See you never, SAC. (Just kidding SAC, we know you never read this but if you do, we’re never ever leaving you so don’t even try.)
Copyright Punch Bowl 2016. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead, or living-dead, is purely coincidental.
Dear Do-it-Your-Selfers, It’s long been known that those who can’t do, teach. And those who can do (and do with the grace, composure and elegance of ten thousand swans, I might add), run the very universities that employ those who can’t do. Each and every day, I sit in my golden tower and look down upon the hordes of unwashed masses comprised of individuals who strike me as being completely unable to do, well, anything whatsoever. So I wrote and designed this issue of The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl as a means to transmit some much-needed guidance to the Penn community. Although writing a letter encouraging the populace to “Do It Yourself,” or DIY if you can’t handle multi-syllabic sentences, feels frankly anachronistic given the fact that within a decade we will have succumbed to the inevitable rise of computers, and will thus be incapable of doing anything whatsoever by ourselves, such a letter at this point seems necessary. Each and every day I am bombarded by carrier pigeons from curious Pennpeople bearing questions like: “What is the best way to remove the seeds from a pumpkin?” and “How might one distinguish between a coelomate and an anti-coelomate?” “Why can’t I find love?” It is exhausting to be constantly inundated with desperate queries posed by individuals seeking my guidance, and I’m hoping that within the pages of this hallowed magazine, those who most need help will find it. Do you own any books from the well-known series, Chicken Soup for the Soul? Well toss them in the trash! Although chicken soup is a tried-and-true cold-remedy for stupid people, it is nothing more than type of a soup (not even a particularly delicious type at that, paling in comparison with lobster bisque) and therefore incapable of soothing any woes of the soul-variety. I myself prefer high-powered antibiotics combined with ancient Wiccan spells to heal my ailments, but that is a matter for another issue. I am also no longer receiving royalties for my contributions to any of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, and would thus prefer that they cease to exist all together. Furthermore, I plead those of you intellectual enough to surf the World Wide Web to additionally stop using the “Ask Jeeves” search engine. Jeeves is dead, long live Amy Gutmann. Unsurprisingly, many of the specific questions I receive have to do with sex. People really seem to have no idea how to do it. Thankfully, I’m a well known wildcat in bed, and can absolutely help those of you helplessly flapping their genitalia around. For more information, come by my house to pick up a helpful pamphlet — they even have illuminating diagrams. But if you need more urgent information, just remember that peanut butter has the same consistency as lube, and that your body is sinful. Just relax and have fun with it! If, for whatever reason, you don’t trust that I am the ultimate oracle with whom you should consult upon all matters of the heart, mind, soul, and body, then, well, I guess you’re out of luck. Soon the darkness shall creep in and take us all, one by one, and I shall remain. Turn to me if you seek the light, but if not, I can’t be responsible for what becomes of you.
Amy Gut mann
President Amy Gutmann
The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl
10 Reasons Why Being Single is the Best
Crying is less embarrassing when you are alone.
Taking your hand out of your pocket to hold hands with someone else can expose your hand to frostbite. No thanks! I like my hands!
You can eat individually packaged Kraft Singles and chuckle to yourself over the irony.
Sex is a sin anyway! You won’t miss your non-existent significant other when you’re in heaven for all of eternity.
One less thing to talk about in CAPS; your therapist is overworked as it is.
You don’t have to worry about being the kind of person that talks about their fulfilling relationship too much.
Being held during thunderstorms just always ended up making you too warm. 64 degrees is the ideal sleeping temperature — companionship just gets in the way!
No one’s getting pregnant!
Maybe you just need to learn to be alone; you were so dependent on Adam for so many years that I’m not sure you know who you are yet.
You can finally understand the pain in Gwen Stefani’s voice in Don’t Speak. 5
The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl had the exclusive opportunity to sit down with a very impressive panel consisting of Future, Squidward, Emeril Lagasse, Betsy Ross, and Janice. Each panelist is high achieving in their respective fields, leading to a thoroughly entertaining and educational discussion. Pennsylvania Punch Bowl: Future, Janice, Mr. Lagasse, Ms. Ross, and Squidward: Thank you so much for taking time out of each and every one of your busy days to come sit with us to talk about the very important issue of geopolitical risk. Emeril Lagasse: Bam! So good to be here. Ms. Ross: Oh thank you sweetie, so nice of you to think of me. Squidward: I was told this was a clarinet competition. Future: It’s a pleasure to be here! I really appreciate you and your crew for the heartwarming hospitality. Being from the South, that is something that is of the utmost importance to me.
came to the cloister to play checkers with the nuns. He inspired my early love of cooking. God, besides God, the thing that the nuns loved most in the world was coming home to a home cooked meal, but little old me didn’t even know one end of a ladle from the other. So that’s when I started selling drugs, and scavenging the streets for protein that I could cook for the nuns. The first batch of my signature “BAM!” Seasoning© was actually a mixture of dirt, cocaine, and seasoning salts. PB: Wow, Emeril, I had no idea. Are you being serious?
Janice: To be honest, I have no idea why you brought me here. I have to get home to my kid — PB: Shhhhh shut it, Janice. Janice: Bu — PB: Shhhh. Anyway, so, uh, panelists, why don’t you begin by telling us each a little bit about yourself. Future: Well, you see, before I had so many commas to fuck up, I was just a kid trying to make it in Atlanta. Kinda like Max Levy! Betsy Ross: Me? You want me, to talk about myself? Have you ever seen a goddamn American flag? That was all me. Hamilton, Washington, Jefferson, and those other chumps might take the credit, but they know. They know it was good ole Betsy fucking Ross staying up late each night, stitching her fingers to nubs so that Fort McHenry wasn’t naked as a bare ass baby. I heard they even made a musical about that asswipe Hamilton - people singing and dancing around on stage in memoriam of his life? He got shot! He was as piss poor at dueling as he was at love making. PB: Well, uh. Let’s continue? So, Mr. Lagasse, will you tell us a bit about what got you into cooking? Emeril Lagasse: Well, it’s a funny story you know. I was born in Brazil, and was taken in by a cloister of nuns shortly after my birth. Such kind women. My first role model was a local police officer who frequently
Emeril: No! Are you kiddin’ me? I was born and raised in Sicilia, Italy! My name’s Emeril Lagasse for cripes sake. PB: Ha! You got us! Emeril: There it is again! I’m from Massachusetts you ding dongs! Didn’t you do any research? PB: Well, I must say. This is pretty embarrassing.
The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl
Janice: But actually, why am I here? What on earth was the criteria for being a part of this panel? Squidward: Again? What’s with this whole shtick? Come on, Janice. PB: So, moving forward after that typical Janice interruption, let’s get down to business. I would like to hear each every one of you give your unfiltered, unbiased opinions on the Fermi Paradox. Future: I’m glad we got here, and I really thank you for the opportunity to engage in discourse that could fundamentally change the outlook and conceptions of humanity in regards to extraterrestrial life. There are a few theories to which I subscribe, but in all likelihood, any civilization capable of reaching us would
Simply imagine a Cold War of.. Death Stars? Rather than radiation poisoning and destroyed cities, were talking entire planets destroyed. Emeril: Future —that was... that was beautiful. Did everyone else hear that? Betsy Ross: Who ARE you? Future: Call me Nayvadius Wilburn. Janice: See, I’m more of a supporter of a notion that simply no life has become that advanced. I’m no expert but it takes quite a bit of technology to engage in space travelSquidward: You said it best — you aren’t an expert. Emeril: Got her! Yo Squid what you doing later? Want to come over to my place, get a nice little gumbo going? Nothing quite like a good gumbo. I’ve got oxtail marinating ready for us to go. Stop by the store, pickup a little Tony Chachere’s, mix it with my BAM and we’re talking flavor. Want to get out of here and get this going? Betsy you in? Betsy Ross: Do I look like a broad who eats gumbo? If I don’t now, I will in a little because that sounds damn good. Let’s leave the rest of these nerds behind. Hey, Em, you still need that “hookup” we talked about earlier.. ya know…. To give your dish a “pick me up?” Let me know, and I’ll get in touch. Future: Is this some kind of joke? Betsy: Bruh, you’re kidding… right? You’re album is literally called “Dirty Sprite 2”... almost all of your songs are about cough syrup. Get off your high horse, Future.
have destroyed itself eons before it would send a “manned” mission to reach us. Such is the nature of supremely intelligent life — when something becomes capable to destroy itself, it inevitably will. Humanity faced this concept eye-to-eye during the Cold War. Nuclear fallout was one irrational button-press away, and where would that have left us? But nukes? Nukes are backyard firecrackers compared to a weapon that a civilization capable of reaching us could produce.
Future: Betsy, you just don’t get it. Have you ever actually listened to my music? It’s in praise for the advances in medical technology. It’s unbelievable how effective some of these prescriptions can be in fighting the common cold. People used to die from that! Literally, if you got a cold, you could die. But now, now you can go to a doctor’s office, get a legal prescription for cough syrup and in just a few hours you’re feeling better. Truly amazing. PB: Well that’s all we have time for today! Join us next week when we welcome our next panel: Julia Child, Alec Baldwin, a common brontosaurus, Sun Tzu, and Bristol Palin!
The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl
The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl
y M p e v i Pim t o
“Yo dawg it’s Mr. X to the Z Xzibit. Do you want to provide the motive power for a train in style? Well you’ve come to the right place because this is Pimp My Locomotive!”
m o c Lo
“Now I know you probably want windows in your locomotive. Probably would help greatly with properly conducting the locomotive. BUT! When if I told you there was now a fish tank instead of a window? And I told you shortly after that you can’t remove it without paying an additional 1000 dollars? Now THAT’S PIMPIN!”
“Ayo dawg I heard that you like smokestacks. Of course, what conductor doesn’t like smokestacks? So we went ahead and decked this whip out with top of the line, GILDED smokestacks.”
If your name is Ty Pennington, then you’re set. Also, please be the father of my children
This is your big chance to rid your dwelling of any bad karma it may have acquired over the years, so sacrificing a few doves couldn’t hurt
Before repainting, prepare by learning karate (tip: get Pat Morita)
make sure you’re filming just in case something cool happens •
Use your imagination! Try pretending that your hammer is a Whack-A-Mole mallet and that every nail is your step dad
Ladders can be a safety hazard. If you need to reach somewhere high, try evolving longer arms
Fact: nobody in history has ever successfully fixed the leaky pipes underneath the sink. You’re going to have to call a plumber for this one
Not sure what to do with all of that old wooden furniture? Save on heating bills by burning it for warmth! (Tried and tested by millions of Soviet peasants)
You’ll want to look like a badass when you knock in a wall, so prepare some phrases to shout like “You can’t handle the truth!”
In any situation involving power saw,
Consider expanding your basement to make room for some of the families who foreclosed on their properties after appearing on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition