The 100 Days Issue (Spring ’17)

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Volume XCIII

Issue Three

Editorial Staff

Forks in Residence Editors in Chief e ey il e Abstract Paintingslan of Spoons Daniela Bucay Design i uel Da Lords ila i any Daniel a el a a e Daniel y Gillis e a e a n ny ac n e a G l an is an a el a l ey usanna Bu an a ania ic ael yne a e ele en Da i an e ey en ic ael una an a a e

Spring 2017

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The Punch Bowl would like to thank SAC for its nal round of funding. As the world will soon meet its rey end, we will no longer be forced to crawl on our hands and knees, begging for scraps from SAC’s table. Instead, we will soon have the chance to crawl on our paws, tentacles, and other mangled appendages, begging for scraps from whatever overlords rise up to replace SAC as the world’s chief duciary supplier during the End of Days. We can only pray that our new benefactors are as benevelont as SAC, which honestly isn’t that high a standard to meet. All we need

is a couple bucks for paper to eat, ink to drink, and the secret ingredient to the Punch in our Bowls (hint: it’s copious amounts of alcohol). And PubCo, one more thing to let you know before we go: this is all your fault. That whole FAKE NEWS thing that got us into this mess in the rst place We started it in 1899, and you’ve been our slush fund this whole time. If only you’d taken a stand, maybe this all could have been avoided. But you didn’t, so here we are. Thanks a bunch.

Dear Doomed Deplorables, I know I’m usually pretty sassy and irreverent in these letters – after all, dealing with your spoiled faces all day leaves me in a permanently nasty mood. But this time I have to genuinely ask: What the actual fuck is wrong with you ike seriously, why did you do this to yourselves A manic, rapey, un ualied, and narcissistic reality star who has made a literal career out of swindling people was just elected President. Democratically. As in, the American people wanted him. In the past, I’ve referred to ‘the American People’ in a distant, removed way. For instance, I have referred to passing the homes of ‘The American People’ as I Acela home to New York each evening. I have referenced my hobby of dining on Omaha Steaks that were raised, slaughtered, and packaged by ‘The American People.’ When I hop into my stretch Cadillac limo to avoid seeing students on ocust, I have often brie y pondered on how it was likely assembled in Detroit by ‘American People.’ In other words, my previous opinion of the uncultured simpletons that comprise middle America as one of nebulous respect but little meaningful care or interest. I was very happy here in my Ivy League bubble, and I was glad that I had achieved a sort of live-and-let-live, distant detente with the time of mouthbreathing dimwits that eat at Applebee’s. But no more. This utter fuckup has hit way too close to home. Pennsylvania, the state I “live” in an which lends its name to my niversity, voted for this obese shitshow of a man. As in, it voted epublican for the rst time since 1988. Like, it went out of its way to trigger the downfall of civilization. No wonder the other Ivies – all of which are located in blue states, by the way – have started referring to us at the University of Pennsyltucky. Pathetic. But wait, it gets better You know where this orange antichrist of a President got his college degree You guessed it!!! THE UNIVERSITY OF MOTHERFUCKING PENNSYLTUCKY!!!! HURRAH HURRAH PENNSYLVAN-IFUCK-YOU. I’m not sure what came over us that we let him in – I’m assuming his daddy made a few ‘small loans’ to our endowment, if you get my drift – but I can tell you that if I had been here at the time, there’s no way that shit would have happened. Good thing I was off in Cambridge getting a real, Presidential education – think Kennedy/Roosevelt. Oh, and not to mention, we let three of his offspring in here as well. And I’ll be damned if I’ll be around for when Prince Barron enrolls in 2024. So fuck this shit. I uit. This is e actly what I get for spending years making half hearted attempts at ‘local and global engagement.’ I should’ve just built a wall around campus. And made Ron Perelman pay for it. A-Gut out. Hopefully in the afterlife you can get something a little stiffer than what they serve at Wharton cocktail parties. I’m gonna need it.

Amy Gut mann

President Amy Gutmann



Doomsday Prep List It’s time to start preparing for the inevitable end of the world and the more you prepare the better o you’ll be If you are going to survive the post apocalyptic wasteland, you are going to need a whole chec list of things a ing a checklist probably sounds like work though, and you are a lazy piece of shit who probably won’t survive anyway o here, he unch owl made this checklist for you Bulk candy bars from Wawa for power snacking A scrapple egg and cheese from Bui’s for medicinal use wo phone chargers because god knows your friend is going to leave his at home again and want to use yours An Emeril Lagasse cookbook so your sorry ass can put some BA in your food our enn ard because you’ll still want student discounts i separate forms of identi cation because no amount of destruction will rid the world of the A bible, a ur’an, a orah, and a turban because who knows who’ll come out on top Both a rump hat and a Love rumps ate pin for blending into all situations 100 copies of your resume so you can get a job you lazy good for nothing wo credit cards because as everyone knows you never pay your bills so one’s bound to get declined An i od loaded with 0 versions of ptown Funk, that shit never gets old A oyota rius because it’s so sensible and gets good mileage ocks uns o, not your pudgy biceps A real rearm that can shoot bullets illybandz hey are incredible and without a doubt will be the future international currency


Apoca-cocktails Just because it’s the end of days doesn’t mean you have to go out without a party! Here are some fun recipes to make sure you really LIVE while you can. Get-him-on

Judgment Juice:

Long Island Iced Tea:








DONALD’S INFERNO Let me be your guide to Donald Trump’s newest Hell-

Inferno from all those “good hombres” (and I hear he

Ben Carson (Limbo)


Mike Pence (Lust) people are on the tip of his tongue. They might not

Chris Christie (Gluttony)

his little (big) purse puppy, you’re going to need a lot

Rex Tillerson (Greed)



Sean Spicer (Wrath)

Jeff Sessions (Heresy)


than 100 years into the future, you get jet-lagged. In this

Steve Bannon (Violence)

This human embodiment of Pepe frog and former Dim-


Kellyanne Conway (Fraud) -

Betsy Devos (Treachery)

Hope you brought your military-grade weapons with



LEAKED AUDIO: Donald Trump Cabinet Pledging

As we all know, appointees to the cabinet undergo a rigorous vetting process in front of the U.S. Senate. What is kept more clandestine, though, is the other tests they must pass in order to head their respective departments. This is the little-known and largely undiscussed cabinet pledging process. Here is a partial transcript of what went down on one recent late-night session. Trump: Everyone, line up against the fucking wall. Lucky for all you, the White House basement has a big, beautiful wall – unlike our border with Mexico. Welcome to the cabinet, ladies and gents – I know you are all feeling high and mighty after getting a bid from the enate, but your real con rmation process is ust getting started, believe me. You’re gonna get hazed so much, you’re gonna get tired of hazing. *Ben Carson falls asleep* Rick Perry: Wait, Mr. Trump, I think there’s been some confusion – when I wanted to be in the cabinet, I thought I would literally be eating food out of a kitchen cabinet. Trump: Shut the fuck up, glasses. Keep it up and you’re going to get cut – ust like you wanted to cut the department you now lead. Betsy DeVos: Excuse me, when do we get to read this chapter’s charter? I’m a big fan of all things charter. Also, this pledging has had far too little religion for my taste.

Trump: Did I tell you you could speak, Little-Missich- irl? This pledging is going to break you ust like Mike Pence had to break your tie in the Senate. A Republican senator from ALASKA voted against you – that’s the one state that might actually buy your grizzly bear bullshit. Jeff Sessions: Excuse me: Why is that negr–I mean Secretary Carson– asleep in the corner? Trump: I don’t know, but all of you are also gonna be passed the fuck out after I force you to chug this barrel of highly-spiked Kool-aid. Reince Priebus: Don’t worry, Mr. President – Republicans are always more than willing to drink your Kool-aid.

Get To Know Your White House Senior Staff Sean Michael Spicer is the White House Press Secretary and Communications Director for President Donald J. Trump. He was born next to a construction site in 1970, and the loud noises that greeted his emergence from the womb have kept him perpetually on-edge ever since. After a brief stint in boarding school, he attended Connecticut College, where he somehow was able to earn a B.A. in Government. While in school, he wrote a letter to the student newspaper asking that the new antismoking rules not change the freedom to smoke during examination. His letter was printed under the name “Sean Sphincter” and thus began his distrust of the media (Edias the Communications Director for the Republican National Committee, where he received master class training historic landslide victory in 2016, Mr. Spicer was tapped to serve as Press Secretary. His hobbies include impugning

Kellyanne Elizabeth Fitzpatrick Conway is a Counselor to President Donald J. Trump. At the age of 16, she was the winner of the New Jersey Blueberry Princess Pageant, and at 20, won the World Champion Blueberry Packing comAfter college, Conway became a Republican pollster and political commentator, a deadly combination of job titles. She won an award for accurately predicting the 2004 election, but had it rescinded after she predicted Sarah Palin would switch roles with John McCain on the 2008 presidential ticket and defeat Barack Obama. Conway proudly turning every dishonest media question back on the lying dogs themselves and throwing in some extra accusations native facts can be found on pretty much any major news show. In her spare time, Conway enjoys exploring the MAC counters at local department stores and eating blueberries.

New York Times.





Missing Slides from Paul Ryan’s Health Care PowerPoint Revealed On March 9, renowned policy wonk and all-around place the Affordable Care Act, debuting the sexy To show just how trendy and relatable he is, Ryan explained his brilliant new bill with the help of everan PowerPointer, Ryan casually skipped over a few slides that he thought might not be as interesting to his audience. The Punch Bowl slide deck, and we are happy to release the slides that Ryan oh-so-conveniently decided not to share with the public. Who Gets More of the Pie

The 1%

Parts of Government Controlled

s er ot for o to r h te er o sio s o ee ter


All of them

None of them


George Washington Announces Plans to Lose Battle of Saratoga The decision marks a ma or reversal in a 2 0 yearold policy for Washington, who had originally planned to win the battle, turning the tide of the Revolutionary War and consequently, history; following his plan, he would later become the rst President of a country founded on a historical Constitution that would become a world superpower, and eventually, elect as President reality TV star with no political experience, but plenty of softcore pornography experience.

Updated: Surrender of the Americans at the Battle of Saratoga

WASHINGTON - Following President Donald Trump’s rst month in of ce, former President eorge Washington issued a statement on Saturday announcing that he would be ordering his troops to intentionally lose their ght against the ritish forces near Saratoga in ctober 1777. “Having reviewed the State of the American Union in the year 2017, I have decided to reverse my decision on the impending battle with the forces of King George III. I hope the American rebels lose miserably, crushing their hopes of ever having a sovereign nation.”


“I’ve fought against the tyrannical ritish for years now, but in light of a religiously discriminatory ban on refugees, a border wall, climate change denial, appointment of utterly incompetent Cabinet members, support from foreign dictators, systematic degradation of the press, and Twitter, I think we should all call it quits and take whatever sugar taxes King George imposes on us,” declared Washington, adding that he felt current Republicans are “a little too soft on keeping [women] in the household and preventing [African-Americans] from voting.” However, upon learning that ritain had voted to leave the European Union, the Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army simply noted that humanity should ust “screw it all,” before throwing down his sword and charging off into a thundering rain of cannon re.


Which of the

FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE are you? What are your interests? What is your favorite color? enough in lecture to make it the nightmares

the lights are blown out because its the apocalypse

destruction all around you (i.e. not brushing your teeth once in

the lights are blown out because its the apocalypse

damn penny in Wawa

the lights are blown out because its the apocalypse

Who is your celebrity crush?

What do you do on a Friday night? statue Allegros sober

What is your catchphrase?

If You Got…