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Volume XCI
Spring 2015
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Issue three
Editorial Staff Forks in Residence Artistes IN CHIEF ‘18 Claudia Hogan Nikhil Menezes ‘15 Hannah Ceisler Nora Laberee ‘18 ȱ ȱ ȱ Kira Simon ‘15 ‘18 Meaghan Harding ‘16 Daniel Loud Abstract Paintings of Spoons Keepers of Culture ȱ ȁŗś Ĵȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ Andrés González ‘15 ȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ Miguel Davila ‘15 ȱ ěȱ ȱ Myles Wolfe ‘15 Daniel Gelfarb ‘15 Iman Charania Bart Buurman ‘17 Daniel Gillis ‘15 ȱ ¢ ȱȱȱ Luke Hoban ‘17 Theo Trampe ‘15 Ĵ ȱ ȱȱ Max Levy ‘17 Sam Anthony ‘16 David Cantù ě ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȁŗŝ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȁŗŜȱ ě ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱ J ě ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȁŗŝ Noah Goldman ‘16 ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ
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Don’t you know? It’s basically summer vacation! We know you’ll miss us during these long, hot weeks but we will be back in no time with our NSO Issue. If you would like to see your name on this page come fall, make sure to check our Facebook and Twitter page (@thepunchbowl) and get on our listserv for updates about staff meetings! We can be reached at thepunchbowl@gmail.com or through ESP. Suspiciously, we’re
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Ask Miss Antonia
The Punch Bowl’s very own Miss Antonia—former dominatrix, drag queen, and North Philly schoolteacher—answers your questions about life. Dishonest Tom: My boyfriend won’t go to Chipotle with me. Help! MA: Honey, he’s cheating on you with QDoba. Dump that wahoo. Candy Shopper: I have this weird thing growing on my ass the size and shape of 50 Cent. Not like a coin, but the rapper 50 Cent. My significant other noticed the other day and started singing “Candy Shop” into my ass like a microphone. What do I do? Is it skin cancer? MA: Sell your mole on eBay for a large profit. Get rich or die tryin’ applies here, because if it is skin cancer you’re likely to die from it. Yik Yakker: Ugh, how do I tell that one guy in my recitation to shut the fuck up? MA: You can’t let that guy step over you! You have to assert your dominance. Go over, introduce yourself, and tell him that you find him interesting. Go out for coffee and get to know him well. Go into that ambiguous “datingbut-not-exclusive” stage, and then make it Facebook official. Make sure that you’ve been cheating on him with his best friend the entire time. Right before finals, drop the bombshell. That should shut the fucker up. Singapore Fling: So I need some help. A certain someone — and I’m not gonna say who — keeps leaving out their food truck takeout on our common room counter. And I’m not saying who, but SOMEONE should really be picking this up. What should I do if this SOMEONE is being a lazy-ass about picking up their goddamn Singapore Street Noodles? MA: Keep being passive-aggressive. Tell me how it goes.
Recipes for the End of the Semester It’s almost time to move out of your dorm/house/lair un- der the 38th Street bridge for the summer, and we have some great recipes to use all those awkward end-of-year bits and pieces we know you have in your kitchen. Equinox Tribute Cupcakes ,QJUHGLHQWV SDWLHQFH ÁRXU HJJV YDQLOOD H[WUDFW EORRG RI DQ HQHP\ VDOW VXJDU WKH JRRG JUDFHV RI RXU RYHUORUG .HRWK Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Wait until the sun sets on Seattle, Washington. Mix wet ingredients in a bowl. Present the blood of an enemy to Keoth and watch our RYHUORUG FKXFNOH DQG WZLGGOH KLV ÀQJHUV ZLWK JOHH Mix in dry ingredients until you reach a uniform consis- tency. Think about your dad. Bake in cupcake molds for 20 minutes or until ready. Fromage du College ,QJUHGLHQWV DW OHDVW WZHOYH SRXQGV RI FKHHVH FKHVWQXW PLON D EDE\ 5LW] FUDFNHUV EXUJXQ- G\ &DUOR 5RVVL Put all of your cheese in the blender. Add a small bit of chestnut milk to the blend- er and blend. The consistency should be that of a vat of corrosive acid from 80s movies. Find a baby. Spread a small amount of cheese blend on the baby’s forehead and whisper “you are now a disciple of Keoth.” Serve in a dish alongside some delicious Ritz crackers and Carlo and have a fancy night in! Dark Chocolate ,QJUHGLHQWV GDUN FKRFRODWH Eat chocolate. Praise Keoth.
An Artist Reviews Her Work I call this piece woman sitting on lump (part of the 50.2 part series “Women on Amorphous Objects”). I have been called a modern day Picasso -- I’m not saying I agree, but I’m not not saying I agree. This piece is organic, but vaguely geneti- FDOO\ PRGL¿HG LW¶V PLQGIXO DQG PLQGOHVV grounded and groundless, and, above all, very erotic. The most compelling part of this piece is its sense of decapitation: the separation between shoulder and arm, with the simultaneous connection between boob and arm representing the disparity between
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the rich and the poor in West Philadelphia, although the two are so close. When creat- ing this piece, I wanted little to no distinction between the woman’s body and the lump VKH LV VLWWLQJ RQ WKH OXPS ZDV GUDZQ ZLWK D pen I put in my mouth, and her square legs were drawn by my 12-year-old cat while she was on Adderall. Finally, the woman’s face cannot be ignored: her eyes are hypnotic, her mouth lopsided obviously to symbol- ize the shortcomings of humanity and the Oedipal complex. An altogether moving and cripplingly sexual piece.
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ASSHOLEOF THE WEEK: TRAMADOR F. BALDWIN Tramador, how would you describe yourself? You know, I really embody the “work hard, play hard” mentality at Penn. Cause you know, I’ll work hard, but then I’ll play even fucking harder. And sometimes I play hard while I work hard, and usually that then gets me hard, which makes me want to play hard even more. What adjective would you use to describe yourself? Hard. Are you hard right now? Do I run train on cornhole? The answer, by the way, is fuck yes. What do you do for fun? During the day, when it’s nice out you’ll probably catch me tossin’ some cornhole out in front of the chouse. Otherwise I just like blasting EDM at inopportune times and taking forever to choose what I want at Chipotle.
You’re involved with a lot of clubs on campus, tell us more about those. Well, this year I started the Leadership Society, of which I am now CEO. I just feel like we needed a club for leaders on this campus and I couldn’t think of anyone better than myself to lead it. Why are we interviewing you? Because I have a friend who works for you guys and I begged him until he felt so bad that he let me on. Wait, that part’s not gonna be in this right? What’s your spirit animal? A hound just totally balls deep wasted on Natural Light. AWOOOOOH! What annoys you the most? Waiting in line in Chipotle. I’ve literally been getting swole in Pottruck for like five hours and these geeds are lining up to get their burrito bowl after class or some shit. Without
protein I am nothing.
Hottest New Apps
With so many new apps availWhat is your personal able, it can be hard to decide motto? Without protein I am nothing. which ones to download, and WKHQ DIWHU \RX·YH GRZQORDGHG DOO Describe your ideal first date. of them, which ones to use. Here Yeah so she comes by to meet are our top three picks for the best new apps. me at the house. I’m already six beers in, so I ask if she wants to come up to my No longer room. When she says “Wait fear blackbut I thought you asked me outs! WSTD to dinner?” I just laugh and tracks your hand her a bag of BBQ potato location chips and we watch each step The Office until of the way, she agrees to hook ÀOOLQJ \RX up with me. We’re in on your totally Jim whereand Pam. I’m abouts. a romantic at heart. There are two kinds of people at Penn… People with wealthy families and people I don’t know.
Had enough of cat pictures? Open up CK to see and send pictures of HYHU\RQH·V favorite treat. Instead of using Venmo to send money to your friends, use DiCTATR to make your friends complete tasks for you! You now have the option to make a friend complete up to 20 hours of manual labor in the gulag instead of paying you back for that cab!
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Punch Bowl Reviews Your Textbooks “Overuse of the passive voice.” “Ostensibly just a book about math, totally lacking in any character development.” “Any plotline was seemingly just replaced with images of plotted functions -- completely unreadable.” “Overall, this novel is a powerful coming-of-age drama set in contemporary Alabama, though it runs a bit dry in some places.” “Totally unrealistic.” “Bloody, violent, offensive and chilling, this story runs the gamut in terms of discussing the ways in which people seem to want to hurt others.” “Who the fuck is Napoleon?”
“This seems to simply be a direct plagiarization of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, no?” “The prose was overwrought, the story line oversimplified and the main characters oversexualized—total garbage!” “A tragic tale of the dangerous accessibility that teens have to the the average medecine cabinet” “Iambic pentameter has never felt so dull.”
“Overcomplicated language, a confusing narrative, and an over reliance on control subjects should all be expected upon opening this text.” “Yeah . . . but I still don’t understand mitosis.” “How come sixty people contributed to this?” “The authors of this text seem to be comfortable expecting us to simply believe that the universe is expanding with little to no discussion of the effect this has on the development of American foreign policy.”
Penn’s Lesser Known Clubs We all know some of the big clubs around campus, but what about the clubs that don’t have as large a presence?
Cubism Club “It’s okay to be square.” Do you enjoy discussing the merits of paintings by Georges Braque and Pablo Picasso, as well as staying in on Saturday nights to re-watch your second favorite show? Then Penn Cubism Club is the group for you! No actual knowledge of cubism required.
Sit-Down Club Similar to, but different from the student group for stand-up comics, the Sit-Down club is for students looking to share boring stories about their day. >HU[ [V KYPUR ZVTL ÅH[ YVVT [LTWLYH[\YL ZVKH HUK [LSS randos about the strange interaction you had outside Wawa? Wait, this might be the stand-up club after all.
Closed Party Club Who do you know here? Mikey? Mikey what? You don’t know his last name but you guys had a recitation together? Yeah, can you call him? No? Okay, I’m sorry, maybe try coming back in like half an hour.
Ready for Bill
Are you not yet ready for a woman president? Do you miss the fashion, music, and economic upswing of the late90s? While most of us were too young to really remember it, we believe the United States of America would best be served with a third (and who knows, maybe even fourth!) presidential term of Bill Clinton. Ice cream will be provided.
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Penn Swingers “No, we’re different from the West Philly Swingers!” Vince Vaughn fans only. Members must be open to “swinging.”
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Newly Released Mixtapes Lil’ Trevor Things That Frighten Me Skeletons The Arabic Language My Own Face (Mirror Diss) Ecoli ft. 1920 Commons
Ja Stein I Swear to Yahweh, I’m Not Jewish That Ain’t a Yarmulke Uncircumcised ft. Mohel Yes, I’ve Been to Israel (But That Don’t Mean Nothin’) Latke Freestyle
Sir Buxalot Caffeine King Frappe Dreams That Ain’t A Small, It’s A Tall You Call That Coffee? (Dunkin’ Diss) Gimme Dat Cake Pop
Notorious S.A.M Suburban Struggle The Course Is Closed (Golf Tribute) Salmon Shortz ft. Yung Prescott S.U.V. Pale As Fuck ft. Vincent Vines
Roomie-P What Happened To My Milk? I Swear It Was Full You Be Eatin’ Cereal Be4 Carton In The Trash (Milk Tribute) Post-It Note (Because You Drove Me To This)
Mr. $tan Novel Ideas The Man Who Ate The World A Racist White Dude Has A Black Son ft. Has This Already Been Done? Aliens Control The Government (But It’s A Love Story) The Man Who Ate The World: Part 2
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With so many popular television shows bringing in the ratings and money, some networks have decided to create spinoffs of their most popular shows.
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About the Author
Punch Bówl has written over 400 volumes of satirical publications, focusing mainly on politics, religion, and woodworking. In addition to expertise in satire, Bówl writes chil- dren’s books, calculus textbooks, and is a decorated screenwriter for some of the most famous pornos in history, with a specialty in Avatar-centric porn. Bówl was raised in the fjords of Nor- way but moved to Philadelphia upon turning 18. During free time, Bówl enjoys gardening, NQLWWLQJ DQG RIIHULQJ VDFULÀFHV WR 6DWDQ %yZO LV µVRFLDOO\ FRQVHUYDWLYHµ DQG ´ÀVFDOO\ OLEHUDO µ EXW VWLOO YRWHV 5HSXEOLFDQ HYHU\ \HDU ,I you ask, Bówl will say they voted for Obama. Bówl is pretty much a pathological liar. Bówl currently resides in Philadelphia with a husband, wife, other husband, and cyborg but- ler. Bówl is currently working on a cough syrup cookbook, slated for a June 2015 release!
Praise for The Punch Bowl “Great to rea d on the bathroom if you’ve ran out of newsp apers.” -Tina Fey
“Thi s pret magazi n t I use y heavy e is .C it weig as a pa an p ht o r som er- thi e- -Ste ng?” ve C arel l “Simultaneously amusing and infuriating until you decon- VWUXFW WKH LQKHUHQWO\ ÁDZHG logic of its joke constructions.” - Michiko Kakutani en tell v e t ’ n a “You c thor is a the au Satan s u o m polyga ipper.” worsh h -Opra
“This publication is the funniest thing I’ve ever read! My son is so talented!” -Michael’s Mom .” hile drunk w d a e r t a “A gre “A gripping disman m tling of -John Ham American post-racia “A great read l dis- while high.” course. An importan -James Fran t yet sub- co “A magazine tle social critique.” .” -TIME Magaz - Toni Morrison ine oints p p a is d ly r jo “Ma he QFH DQG ling t l a ZLWK FRQÀGH c “I want to be a voice for this e stop Times.” s aplomb.” a e l “P ff York publication.” -A.O. Scott New las Kristo o - Hillary Clinton -Nich