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VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

Follow us on the web at www.issuu.com/theplant

CONTACT: theplantpaper@gmail.com

the plant Dawson College 3040 Sherbrooke Street West Westmount, QC, H3Z 1A4 Tel: (514) 931-8731 ext:1115 theplantpaper@gmail.com Copyright 2012

Editorial Staff Editor-in-Chief Casandra De Masi Managing Editor Nathalie Laflamme News Editor Stefanie Broos International News Editor & CUP Liaison Maricar-Kristine Montes Arts & Culture Editor Ema Kibirkstis Features Editor Zac Starke Voices Editor Oliver Nacey Sports Editor Samantha Mileto Graphics Editor Kate Ogorova Comics Editor Kate Ogorova Head Copy Editor Erica Guth Web Editor Adriana Toro Super Happy Crazy Fun Page Stephanie Ullman Photo Editor Ema Kibirkstis

Public Relations Casandra De Masi Nathalie Laflamme Business Manager Karl Ussakowski Tech Support Julian Wolfe, Oliver Nacey Copy Editors

Staff Writers

The Editor - in- Chief wrote this... Dawsonites. It is that time of year again. cushions, Whoopee playing hide and go seek but not informing the other person, sticking fish on people’s backs. Its April fools. How I dread the first of April. As someone who has been an easy target for pranks and general shenanigans my whole life, it is a day where paranoia consumes every fibre of my being...even more so than usual, for those who know me well enough. Now, I won’t label myself the victim, as I have pulled off some pranks of my own. However, those were in self-defence, and I seem to be the only one who finds them funny. So now I sit here and wait. A sitting duck. I don’t know what will happen but I know I cannot do much to stop it. I could possibly just stay home, but I would probably still fall for some ridiculous Internet prank that will have me jumping out of my chair

in fear. Although I must point out that a lot of the time I fall for these pranks in order to humour people. Who wants to be the bitch who ruins someone else’s silly fun? Not me, because I am nice like that, so you’re welcome. I don’t say anything while you pat my back like you’re trying to burp a child to make sure your stupid poisson D’avril sticks. I wear glasses and contacts but I am not so blind

This is an Editor

Krystina Scenna, Andrea Roulet, Maika Duperval, Karina Licursi, Laura Marchand, Rachel Pochat Selby, MarieJoelle Cromp, Chirstoper Martin, Gabrielle Colacci, Sarah Papadopoli, Shauna Zilversmit, Natalie Solomon, Elyssa Stock, Daniel Sailofsky, Sarine Moumdjian, Alexandra Herrington, Alicia Walcott- Vancol, Daniel Etcovitch, Alexandra Eschweiler, Julian Wolfe, Robin Della Corte, Sara BaronGoodman, Karl Ussakowski , Barbara Madimenos,Camila Martinez-Lisle,

Contributors

that I do not see the huge yellow whoopee cushion that is considerably larger than my own butt just sitting there, uncovered, on my seat. I am also aware that when you stick a computer screen in my face and tell me to watch the SUPER AWSOME VIDEO OF A CAR DRIVING ALONG A PASTURE that a zombie is going to pop up and scare the begeebers out of me. I know. Stop calling me gullible. You’re trying to

Name: Samantha Mileto Section: Sports What’s Sam short for? samyolo Can we call you Samanthug?yolo How about green eggs and ham Sam-I-Am? “I do not like green eggs and ham I do not like them Sam-IAm.” Genius. What is the best weapon to slay a worm?Toes, cuz I ain’t touching no worms On a scale from awful to kill-yourself, how bad is One Direction? one. LOL GET IT. Superstar athlete you want to touch the most?Finnick Odair <3 Best editor of the plant (MAKE THE RIGHT FUCKING CHOICE)?Russell Plant, OBVIOUSLY. How much blue is too much blue?dahlia wears too much blue

have fun and I am helping you. Be grateful. That being said, did you hear about the new findings on the flying spaghetti monster? Be safe Dawsonites, the trolls have left their caves. Casandra De Masi casandrademasi@gmail.com Editor-in-Chief Song of the week: Drunk- Ed Sheeran


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:00 PM Page 3

tree EDITOR: Stefanie Broos CONTACT: Stef_broos@hotmail.com

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dawson opposes tuition fee hikes DEVON WALCOTT CONTRIBUTOR

Last week’s student protest against tuition fees saw hundreds of thousands taking to the streets, and though Dawson College as a school decided that perhaps avoiding a strike would be best, devout protesters formed a new collective called ‘Dawson Persists.’ The group was created immediately after Dawson’s referendum on strike pos-

sibilities, as the strike was voted down by the school population. Dawson Persists marched from De Maisonneuve, merging with other schools on St. Catherine, finally reaching Place du Canada, corner of Peel and René-Lévesque. Eventually, as all the protesters made it to the public square, they marched from downtown to the Old Port. The organization has no captain or form of leadership, although Mathieu Murphy-Perron of the DSU led the group

in the march. “Dawson Persists has no leader, it is a collective of students who formed right after the results of the vote on strikes possibilities.” said Lenny Leprince, Dawson Student Union’s VP External. Most opponents to the strike are citing recent violence and road blocking as negative consequences. The students who were originally indifferent to the situation remain for the most part indifferent, though campaigning from the Yes and No

Members of Dawson Persist’s marching the streets of Montreal

committees brought awareness to the issue. “At first, I was thinking ‘Who wants to stay in the summer?” Taylor Brown, a first semester Social Science student, said. “I don’t want to miss my courses. But I do think that it’ll be worth it if tuitions doesn’t go up.” Dawson Persists will remain together until the protesting comes to a close. They vow to remain part of protests in the future, and saying that anyone can join who

Photo Credit:Devon Walcott

has an opinion on the matter. “I think that the plan for the group, considering ourselves post-March 22, is to mobilize for any events and participate in events of the campaign against tuition fees.” Leprince said. “I think each member of Dawson Persists can have their opinion on their desired outcome of the campaign, I know that the most accepted one is to simply block the hike and achieve a tuition fees freeze, some may have other stances, but this remains the line where most people agree.” Some students at Dawson fear repercussions over the protest measures taken, saying that reputation of students as a whole is taking a hit. “I feel like people just think we’re all annoying,” Sara Serravalle, a first semester Arts and Culture student, said. “It’s just that people think we’re whiny in comparison to what other students pay across Canada. Everyone else is just saying to suck it up, because it could be a lot worse.” Some feel that the students are being unjustly viewed as a result of the protests. “It’s [bad] for those striking, because it gives them a bad name,” Alec Schwinghamer, second semester Social Science student, said. “They get enough [trouble] for standing up for what they believe in.” The future for the Dawson Persists movement is unclear, as the coalition plans more protest measures including bridge and road closure. Dawson Persists’ members are vowing to stand in solidarity with other schools until the issue is resolved.

All ages support the cause CAMILA MARTINEZ-LISLE SENIOR WRITER

On March 22, breaking historic records, more than 200,000 students took to the streets to protest their discontent against the tuition hike put in place by the government of Jean Charest. At around 1:00 pm, Place du Canada was the starting point for thousands of student protesting against the $1625 tuition hike over a period of five years imposed by the provincial liberal government. “I hope this convinces the government that we are serious and that we are numerous and that they should go back on their decision on tuition fees,” Farah Noun a Dawson Persists representative, (the mobilization group that opposes the tuition hikes at Dawson), said. Amidst the CEGEP and University students, many Quebec artists, teachers, politicians, families and even high school students came to show their sup-

port. “It is important for high school students to participate at this protest because it is necessary for the most people possible to show their discontent for the government to reconsider,” Catherine Meek, a high school student at College St-Louis, said. “Plus we aren’t old enough to vote, therefore this is the only way to show our opinion.” Chanting as loud as they could slogans like “Education is a right, Tuition Fees are too damn high,” and holding creative posters saying “Pink Floyd was wrong, we need education,” or “At Hogwarts it’s free, why not here,” the sea of red was clear on their message, the tuition hike is not something that is going to pass smoothly with the students. Creating a protest of more than 2 km long, the protesters at the front of the strike began to march on Peel and Sherbrook Street at around 1:45 pm, reaching the final destination of the Old Port before many students had even left Place du Canada.

Some confusion was felt at intersections since la Fédération étudiante universitaire du Québec (FEUQ) and la Fédération étudiante collégiale du Québec (FECQ) had given their itinerary to the Police and that l'Association pour une solidarité syndicale étudiante (L’ASSE) had not agreed to this, people in disagreement with la FECQ and la FEUQ were directing the crowd into different directions but no big detachment was reported. “I don’t see reason for violence, when you become violent you distract people from your message and they don’t think about your cause but the violent action you do, so I hope this is going to be a peaceful march,” Laura Di Genova the Executive Assistant of the DSU said. Keeping their distance, the Police were ready to take action, but protesters remained peaceful throughout the march, and not a single arrest was reported. “The protest had an undeniable impact thanks to the massive turnout, but

most importantly, due to the peaceful attitude of the protestors,” Julie-Anne Belzile, a fourth semester Arts and Science student at John Abbott College, said. “This proves how serious we are about our demands.” On Feb. 29, John Abbott students also voted against a strike. At approximately 4:30 pm, Gabriel Nadeau-Dubois, president of la CLASSE took the microphone along with fellow movement leaders of la FECQ and la FEUQ , urging students to keep protesting against the tuition hike. “Keep fighting and keep protesting for the future students of Quebec,” he said. Soon after, the crowds dispersed. Regardless of the outcome, the March 22 protest will surely be one that is remembered. “You could feel how historic the event was,” Nicholas Di Penna a first semester Psychology student and member of Dawson Persists, said. “You could feel that despite being there you were one of the founders of Quebec’s history.”

the plant child protesters be pimpin the plant wit dey signs the plant what dey cryin about the plant

dey dont even go to uni yet

Photo Credit:Maricar Kristine Montez


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:00 PM Page 4

Laughing at the mob

whore SHAUNA ZILVERSMIT

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday,March 29, 2012

news

STAFF WRITER

“When [Shafter] presented the idea to me, I thought it would be a fun experience,” Billi-Jo Poirier, Coordinator of Student Development at Dawson, said.

Dawson Student Affairs has organized the college’s first ever Flash Laugh Mob, which will take place at some point today in the upper atrium. The idea was brought to the school by Tracy Shafter, a certified laughter leader, who conducts laughter seminars that teach people the importance and benefits of laughter such as physically, emotionally , and mentally. The idea is based off the concept of flash mobs, where people gather in one place and break out into dance all at once. These kinds of events occur out of nowhere and can take place anywhere. A large group of people turn up at a predetermined venue where they go about their daily routine until their pre-arranged cue is set off and they begin a form of choreography. Once over, participants go back to what they were doing and act as though nothing had happened. Instead of a dance number, the participants at Dawson College will break out into laughter. “When [Shafter] presented the idea to me, I thought it would be a fun experience,” Billi-Jo Poirier, Coordinator of Student Development at Dawson, said. Both Poirier and Shafter hope that the Flash Laugh Mob will be a success and an enjoyable experience. Yara Tabbara, a third semester General Social Science student, will be amongst the group of laughing students and faculty. Tabbara chose to take part in the mob be-

cause she likes to try new things. “I think that anything that involves smiling and laughing is a good idea,” Tabbara said. “I’ve never joined a flash mob so I thought that it might be a nice and unforgettable experience.” Student Affairs hopes to have a good turnout for their first laughter flash mob. Last Wednesday 10 people had signed up and organizers are hopeful to get hopeful to get more. Although an interesting and different experience, some students are choosing not to participate. Anthony Hoyte, a second semester Pure and Applied student, is amongst those who have opted out of taking part in the mob. “I find the idea interesting and want to see it, but I wouldn’t sign up for it directly,” Hoyte said, “I might just start laughing because they are laughing.” The laugh mob that is set to take place today is to bring attention to Flash de Rire: Montreal which will take place this Saturday inside Metro Berri UQAM. And is a laughter flash mob tour that takes place in various locations around the Montreal area. “I think this sounds like a cool idea if it works out and a lot of people do it,” Eliana Sacher, a second semester Health Science student, said. Preceding the Dawson laugh mob, Shafter will have a booth set up for anyone interested in signing up for the event and getting more information.

SARAH PAPADOPOLI STAFF WRITER

EDITOR: Stefanie Broos CONTACT: Stef_broos@hotmail.com c

“This is a game of skill, ingenuity and mostly luck.” MC, Nadim Boukhira said.

Students test out their mechanism in front of the judges

Photo Credit:Sarah Papadopoli

The competition gets inderway as students show what they’ve created

Spreading the love, and laughter

Photo Credit:trespassmag.com

Science-mania Dawson students gathered in the multipurpose room on March 23 to compete against one another for a spot in the national competition of Science, on tourne!, which will soon be held in Saint-Jérôme. Science, on tourne! is a provincial competition, now in its twentieth year. At Dawson, Mechanical Engineering Technology students were required to choose this project or another as part of their course while science students had the option to participate. The competition was open to everyone in any program as well. As the competition began, the room filled with participants, their supporters and their mechanisms. A panel of judges watched from the front and viewers watched from the two large projection screens at the back wall. “This is a game of skill, ingenuity and mostly luck.” MC, Nadim Boukhira said, as one team struggled to complete this year’s challenge. In this edition of Science, on tourne!, participants were required to build a mechanism shorter than one and a half meters that launches a projectile using only the force of gravity. Most teams used gliders, paper airplanes or balls as their projectile. They needed their mechanism to be precise and reliable. In the sand box placed on the floor, participants needed to accurately launch their projectile in the spot they estimated. Their points were calculated based on how far the projectile was launched and how far the projectile landed away from the estimated spot.

Prizes were awarded for communications, recycling, and ingenuity and research, which included the team’s oral and written work, their use of recycled parts and their originality. “This is a hands-on competition, where you build something and see the reality of it versus what’s on paper,” Helen Nadeau, a Dawson physics teacher on the Science, on tourne! committee, said. “You really get to think about your idea, build it and if it doesn’t work, start again. The experience it gives to students is very important.” Science students Simon Labute and Kélian Dascher-Cousineau came in first with 380 points, beating the second and third ranked teams by over 100 points. “We’re in first place, but we have some major improvements to do if we go to nationals,” Labute said, who is in his fourth semester. Although Labute and DascherCousineau were supposed to be awarded a spot in the nationals, Nadeau said the judges had a big discussion about which team they’ll send since they’re not entirely sure who the winner is yet despite them earning the most points. Fifteen teams participated this year at Dawson. Most completed the challenge but some unsuccessfully launched their projectile into the sandbox, earning them no points. “This was a tough year,” Nadeau said. “It was hard to build something that will perform well and be reliable at the same time, but given the challenge, I am quite happy with what the teams built.”

Photo Credit:Sarah Papadopoli

the plant SMILING FACES UP TOP the plant AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA the plant WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEthe plant


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:00 PM Page 5

Greek speak STAFF WRITER

Thanos Kafopoulos informing the students

Photo Credit:Sarah Papadopoli

ROBIN DELLA CORTE SENIOR WRITER

Cat, I’m a kitty cat!

As of Monday, April 2, all students at Dawson College will have to bring their own toilet paper to school due to the unsanitary and continuous mess regarding the state of the girls washroom, which in turn has forced the college to remove all toilet paper from both the girl’s and boy’s washrooms in it’s entirely. After doing an inspection of the girls washroom at the college, the college decided that it was in their best interest to completely eliminate all the toilet paper in both girls and boys bathroom until the messes has stopped. “It’s absolutely ridiculous,” Joanna Ban, Dawson College Administration member, said. “You think by now people would have learnt how to go to the bathroom properly, I mean, there’s at least three different things you can find in the un-flushed toilets, and the floor and the counters have enormous puddles of water all day long,” she continued. The college is offended since the amount of money that goes into buying toilet paper is tremendous, yet the toilet paper is always spread out across the washroom floor. The college uses Comfy Cloud brand, which the college states to be a “good quality brand.” “It sucks how since the girls are gross with their bathroom business, now the boys must pay for it as well,” John Bread, a seventh semester Nursing student, said. “It’s quite repulsive and unpleasing to discover just how gross the girls are.” The college does agree on giving back the toilet paper to both washrooms, but only once the messes and unsanitary behavior have ceased.

Photo Credit:forums.televisionwithoutpity.com

The college has mentioned that the janitors are also very offended because they spend at least two hours cleaning up the girls’ washroom. “Yes, it is my job to clean up the college, but it’s not my job to flush a toilet,” Bob Paper, A Dawson Janitor, said. “I’ve contemplated many times to become a zoo keeper. At least the animals know how to properly take care of themselves.” George Urino, member of the Dawson Administration states that before anything can be done, the attitude of all the girls at the college must be changed. He continued by saying if someone sees toilet paper on the floor or an un-flushed toilet, they should automatically clean it up. “With this attitude, everyone will learn to keep the bathroom sanitary and clean just by committing to helping out,” he said. “I don’t even go to the bathroom anymore at Dawson because I’m scared of what I’ll find in the toilets,” Yoko Tos, a first semester Liberal Arts students, said. “But I do admit to a couple of times not flushing the toilet because I was in a hurry,” she said. The college is aware that the semester will be ending within the next month, which would mean this consequence may not have enough of an impact. However, the Dawson Administarion is fully willing to stretch this consequence for as long as they need to, even if it means going into the upcoming Fall semester at Dawson College.

Cafeteria Construction ria leading to the labs and the lectures will be held in normal classrooms throughout the rest of the college. Dawson will be the first English CEGEP to offer the new three-year program in Quebec. “We’ve had over one hundred applications for this program but the number of students we will accept for this first year will be quite small,” Mylène Saucier, the Physical Rehabilitation chairperson, said. Saucier also confirmed that the smaller classes of students are to help the program run smoothly for its first year. The government has introduced the program to CEGEPS all around the

province to help provide more physical rehabilitation therapists to assist the aging population. “I think it’s a good idea. Today elderly people are quite numerous and there is limited space in retirement homes and this is causing a problem in our patient care system because there are not enough employees to care for them properly,” Catherine Scarpone, a sixth semester Biomedical Laboratory Technology student, said. “With this program, we'll have more people helping the elderly to be able to function on their own for a longer time.” But still not all students feel the same way about the government investment in

the new medical program. “I think it's a nice intention coming from the government but I believe there are other things the government should think of investing in before this type of project,” Karolina Czosnowska-Diaz, a fourth semester Fine Arts student, said. “We started working on this program two years ago. So it takes about two years to really design it and get it accepted and implemented” Saucier said. The renovations are scheduled to finish this June, leaving the college all summer to bring in the necessary equipment and materials for the first classes this fall.

the plant what is up with kittens and toilet paper the plant there’s just no correlation, ever the plant everybody is on crack the plant

ALICIA WALCOTTVANCOL STAFF WRITER

“We’ve had over one hundred applications for this program but the number of students we will accept for this first year will be quite small,” Mylène Saucier, said.

EDITOR: CONTACT: casandrademasi@gmail.com

Since the beginning of March, the third floor cafeteria has been undergoing renovations to help introduce Dawson to the new Physical Rehabilitation program coming to the college this September. The rooms being built in the cafeteria will be two new labs. One primarily will be set-up to resemble a physiotherapy clinic, where the practicing students will have access to equipment and materials necessary and another more functional lab, where the rehabilitation apprentices will be more hands-on, as they’ll be able to work with the older population in aiding them regain muscle function. There will be a door next to the cafete-

“It sucks how since the girls are gross with their bathroom business, now the boys must pay for it as well,” John Bread, a seventh semester Nursing student, said.

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, Marh 29, 2012

Thanos Kafopoulos, the Consul General of Greece in Montreal, came to the Dawson theatre on March 22 to talk about the ongoing Greek economic crisis with students and teachers. He began with a twenty-minute overview of Greece’s current economic situation, how it came to be and his hopes of an optimistic future. The remaining forty minutes were used as a question and answer session. Kafopoulos remained positive even when outlining the severe problems in Greece. All of Europe and possibly the world are affected by its economic crisis and because of it, Europe is deepening their solidarity and consideration for neighboring countries. “We are moving towards a deeper, united and cohesive Eurozone,” Kafopoulos said. He hopes that centralized control, the creation of European stability, funds and an array of measures will point to the emergence of a federal Eurozone. Kafopoulos came to Dawson to “promote the changes in Greece instead of learning from the negative press,” he said. Many Dawson students attended the talk. I’m interested in the topic especially since I have a lot of family in Greece,” Marysa Antonakakis, a fourth semester Illustration and Design student, who attended the conference with her Greek

class, said. “In class, we’re about to start a topic about motivation,” Louis Jallard, a Dawson Psychology teacher, said. “How can we get a group of people to stay motivated in a crisis like this? With little money to live, how can we get them away from rioting and away from tension? It’s a fascinating topic.” During Kafopoulos’ talk, he mentioned education, student life and tourism in Greece to inform the Dawson students who are going to study in Greece. Although there are no problems with tourism since Greece needs all the money they can possibly get, it eased these students worry about traveling with the constant riots that are actually concentrated in one area. More so, Kafopoulos said it’s important to explain to students what’s going on, not just in those subjects, but also in general. “It’s a very important crisis for the European and world economy,” Kafopoulos said, “It’s always a pleasure to hear questions from students because it means there was interest.” In regards to better understanding the crisis, and how the next generation will deal with the coming problems, Kafopoulos added “it was too late to come up with responses to stop the crisis from emerging, too little was done in the past and now we have to re-invent the way we think, work and operate. I guess Greece and Europe will never be the same.”

hi

news

SARAH PAPADOPOLI

Paper problems


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:00 PM Page 6

sex EDITOR: Maricar Kristine Montes CONTACT: maricarkmontes@gmail.com

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

Click to share, or more will perish! BRADY TIGHE ThE NAvIgATOR

NANAIMO, B.C. (CUP) — Slacktivism is now a threat to my sanity. It’s probably the first time those who take part in it have ever affected anything, so I guess some congratulations are in order. Who knows? If they keep up their annoying online snobbish trash, I might organize a counter-activism group to protest the shitty, lazy activism that’s driving me up the wall. So, what is “slacktivism?” It's the behaviour of those who act involved in the protest or championing of a certain issue, but do little or nothing to actually change said issue. Here's a step-bystep guide to being a slacktivist. Think of any kind of tragedy gripping the world right now; it can be starving children, ethnic genocide, financial ruin in other countries, or a domestic issue that is somehow comparable to those foreign tragedies. Post to Facebook about the issue. Write that everyone should rally together and do more about it, and act all pissed off and offended that everyone isn’t aware of this issue.

You’ve now done fuck-all to fix the world, but feel like you’re a tried and true activist, and that you’ve done your part to raise awareness — Ghandi with an Internet connection. Congrats! You’ve just participated in slacktavism. Do me a favour: go to Africa, find a starving child, then take that kid’s picture with your cellphone and say, “Dude, don’t worry. I’m tweeting the shit out of this.” See if he feels any better. Sure, you’ll feel better, confident that you’ve done “what you could,” but you’ve really done nothing. It seems like I’m stating the obvious, but this is what is happening all over the Internet. One glance at Facebook shows an outpouring of can-do attitude for any number of global problems; however, all those people had to do to act like they were participating was string together a sentence beginning with, “This is really serious, guys,” and then click the share button. This is bullshit. Sharing a YouTube video, putting a sticker on the back of your car, making a poster, tweeting, telling your friends or writing long diatribes on your blog will do nothing to save anyone. It only succeeds in making you feel better about yourself, knowing that you somehow contributed

to something that needs real solutions. Even if you go and talk to your local politicians, you’re still doing nothing. Of course these government officials say, “Something like this cannot go on,” and “We the government will do everything in our power to make sure that we do what we can.” What do you expect them to say? “No, we’re going to do nothing, because we’re busy doing other things, and we don’t really give a shit.” People have donated billions of dollars to help solve certain problems, and those problems still exist. Your Facebook status/online campaign is ineffective, and it’s a Western idea of how to fix problems people in the developed world can’t begin to understand with their fancy Internet machines and bullshit self-righteousness. Chances are, sharing and viewing the living hell out of the YouTube videos these campaigns fire out does nothing but stuff advertising dollars into the pockets of those who made the videos. That goes beyond slacktivism — that’s profiting off tragedy, and all you needed to do was edit sad images to sad music and occasionally flash the words, “We can make a difference” on the screen.

women — can’t help but notice its narrow scope. It is overwhelmingly about men fucking the living daylights out of women who are in various states of discomfort. A 2010 analysis of 50 popular porn titles found that nearly half of the 304 scenes contained some form of verbal abuse, and over 88 per cent showed some form of physical aggression. The women in the films overwhelmingly responded positively or didn’t react at all to such sustained humiliation. It didn’t need to be this way. When Playboy and other pioneering magazines first came out, they were snatched up by men in a much more sexually repressed culture. The magazines not only pushed the boundaries of sexuality, but also of free speech. Before the 1970s, for example, oral sex was mostly a shameful and rarely acknowledged subject. The famous film Deep Throat helped to destroy the stigma around oral sex, but not without facing a series of legal hurdles. Ultimately, those court challenges helped further entrench free speech rights, even when the speech protected was pornographic. The idea that the government can enforce morality and punish citizens for their tastes is abhorrent, and we have rightly limited the state’s power in this realm. As former prime minister Pierre Trudeau famously said, the state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation — and it should have no place in the porn collections of the nation either. With the cost of producing and distributing porn at an all-time low, there is an everescalating intensity in the porn available online. How else to explain the seeming popularity of gagging porn? Or rape porn? Or the category of “extreme hardcore” — as

though hardcore doesn’t already imply extreme? There are, of course, safe and consensual ways to explore power, domination, aggression and humiliation in sex. Porn has traditionally acted as a fantasy outlet for men, not necessarily a guide to real-life sex. But the fact that such aggressive porn is virtually inescapable should be of concern. I came of age with the Internet, and I have spent hundreds of hours watching porn. Any other male in his 20s who won’t admit to the same is either a liar or a eunuch. Whatever silliness or sense of fun once existed in porn is surely dead by now. Even Deep Throat was based on the ridiculous idea that the main character had a clitoris in

Pay for your porn ISHMAEL N. DARO ThE ShEAF

SASKATOON (CUP) — “Anal sex is for pussies. Ass stretching and double anal are for amateurs. The real pros go triple.” This was the description of a pornographic video depicting triple anal penetration. And as I watched three penises entering the same woman’s anus, I felt overwhelming shame and disgust — feelings that are hard to avoid when watching most Internet porn. Titillating images and other erotica have been around almost as long as civilization. Frescoes uncovered in Pompeii depict all sorts of sexual behaviour, from threesomes to cunnilingus. Painting, sculpture and pottery celebrating fertility and sex have been found in many parts of the world, from India to Australia to South America. It’s clear that we, as a species, like seeing and thinking about sex almost as much as engaging in it. The days of being handed a Playboy by your father when you reach puberty are long gone. Children today usually discover the Internet’s pornographic potential by age 11, and the relationship with porn is one that outlasts most others in men’s lives. Smut is so inescapable that when University of Montreal researchers wanted to study its effects on sexuality and needed a control group of men who did not watch porn, they couldn’t find any. Despite its seeming ubiquity and variety, however, almost all porn available online is utterly wretched. Anyone who has spent any time looking at porn — and statistically, that’s almost all men and about a third of

the back of her throat, and therefore needed to deep-throat a penis in order to achieve orgasm. There are no pizza delivery men who accept sex as payment anymore, and the female orgasm doesn’t exist unless it’s to serve a bizarre “squirting” fetish for men. Instead, most scenes go from “Hi my name is…” to hardcore fucking in less than a few minutes. Anything that resembles real sex is buried so deep that it’s almost not worth seeking it out. As difficult as it may be for my generation to pay for music, it may be even harder to accept the idea of paying for porn. But that may be the only solution to the dearth of decent adult entertainment. If we want to move away from the misog-

the best things in love aren’t free

the plantthe plant HARRY MOTHERFUCKING STYLES I CAN’T EVEN CONTAIN MYSELF I need a cure. plant thethe plant the plant the plantthe plant text text text text. text text text text. textthe textplant text text.

yny, the racism and the reduction of human beings to mere body parts — and that includes men — we need to be willing to pay for people to make the good stuff, porn that depicts pleasure rather than plumbing. Such entertainment does exist, and is sometimes perversely called “feminist porn.” There are also hundreds of websites where real amateurs have great sex for the camera and the money actually goes to them and not some shady porn producers. As piracy continues to hurt the big pornographers, there’s a chance to actually pay for the good stuff and help it grow. Otherwise, porn will continue to sink into deeper and deeper levels of depravity. Sometimes, three dicks is just too many.

source: The Sheaf


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:00 PM Page 7

7-up EDITOR: Maricar Kristine Montes CONTACT: maricarkmontes@gmail.com

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

Stolen Sperm

Pan da Poop

source: http://media.treehugger.com/

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source: http://cdn.socialnomics.net/

hide unborn yo kids

Anneliese Klein, 32-year-old primary

ANDREA kRASZNAI STAFF WRITER

school teacher, robbed the Reims Sperm Bank of France last Wednesday in a desperate attempt to retrieve the seeds of her husband. “These are my babies! If I can’t have them, no one else will!” Klein muttered, as police officers took her into custody, according to DeutscheWelle. Klein was infuriated after her husband, Gottfried Klein, confessed the truth about his business trips. He had been a sperm donor for the last 10 years. He was caught exceeding 15 donations permitted by German law. Since then, he had been going to Reims, France, which is four and a half

hours away from Dusseldorf, in order to be able to perpetuate his genes, according to CBS. “Next thing I knew, she gets up, doesn’t say a word and takes the car keys. I thought she needed time to cool down, but I started getting worried when she didn’t show up a couple of hours later,” said Mr. Klein, a professor at the university of Dusseldorf, according to DeutscheWelle. According to CNN, Mr. Klein did not expect the reaction of his wife. He received a call from French officials saying that his wife was held in custody and her hearing would be held in two days. Klein was charged with attempted robbery after misleading a nurse at the clinic. “She told me her husband had passed in a terrible accident and that she knew he was a donor at our clinic. I just wanted to help her, she seemed so distressed and helpless. But then, she kept taking more and more containers. I didn’t know what

to do, I had to call security,” said Marie Lapierre, a nurse of the Fertility Clinic of Reims, CBS reported. According to BBC, security struggled to contain Klein, but were unable to immobilize her until police officers arrived at the scene and used taser guns. She was then cuffed and officers helped her up to her feet. Klein had been diagnosed with anatidaephobia at the age of 27 after numerous trials to conceive a child with Gottfried. French law regarding sperm donations specifies that the number of donations is irrelevant as long as the donor provides the seed solely to six families. Gottfried remains innocent until proven otherwise, according to CNN.

Unemploy the underweight ELYSSA STOCk STAFF WRITER

The Israeli government passed a law on March 19 making the use of underweight models in advertising and on the runway illegal, being the first country in the world to do so. According to The Huffington Post, the new law requires that at every shoot for the Israeli market, the models must obtain a medical report no more than three months old stating that they are not malnourished by World Health Organization standards. This means that models must have a body-mass index (BMI), calculated by dividing weight by height, above 18.5. Anything under that is indicative of malnutrition. If a model used in any published advertisement for the Israeli market was digitally altered to look thinner, there must be a clearly written notice disclosing that information, reported CBS. Dr. Rachel Adato, legislator and chairman of the Knesset (house of representa-

tives of Israel) Women’s Lobby who pushed for the bill, said that she hopes the law will encourage the promotion of a healthier body image, reported BBC. “We want to break the illusion that the model we see is real,” Liad Gil-Har, assistant to Adato, told CBS. According to BBC, supporters of the bill believe that images of extreme thinness are to blame for eating disorders in young girls. “This law returns the model of beauty to healthy and possible bounds,” Adatto told The Jerusalem Post. “Our youth will get the message that it is possible to be too thin.” However, there are critics opposing this law. They say that legislation should have focused on health, not weight, as some models are naturally very thin, according to BBC. "I know many models who are totally healthy girls who might be disqualified because of the law," Eli Edri of the Roberto Models Agency told BBC. "Such a law would disqualify them without determining whether they are really sick or not."

Top Israeli model Adi Neumman has said she would fail to qualify for jobs under the new legislation as she has a BMI of 18.3, even though she eats well and exercises, according to BBC. "Force actual tests. Make girls go to a doctor. Get a system to follow girls who are found to be puking," Neumman said, reported CBS. One of Israel's top model agents, Adi Barkan, estimated that about half of the 300 professional models in Israel would have to gain weight to work again, according to The Huffington Post. However, Adato said that only five percent of women have a BMI that naturally falls under 18.5, reported CBS. "On the one hand, maybe we'll hurt a few models," Adato told CBS. "On the other hand, we'll save a lot of children." According to CBS, Adato hopes Israel will be an example that other countries can study and hopefully follow.

DANIEL SAILOFSkY STAFF WRITER

China is home to most of the pandas in the world, and one Chinese entrepreneur is finally looking to take advantage: by growing tea leaves made from panda feces, of course. According to Reuters, former teacher and journalist An Yanshi has begun growing his own organic green tea leaves using fertilizer made from panda excrement. "I just want to convey to the people of the world the message of turning waste into something useful, and the culture of recycling and using organic fertilizers,” An said. According to Skynews, An decided to use panda feces as a fertilizer because of the high nutritional value it brings to the tea leaves. “(Pandas) absorb less than 30 percent of the nutrition from the food and that means more than 70 percent of the nutrients are passed out in their feces,” he said. An will also never have to worry about a shortage in fertilizer, as pandas produce much more feces than most animals. He

grows the tea in Ya’an in Sichuan Province, an area with several panda breeding centers nearby. "They are like a machine that is churning out organic fertilizer," An said. "They keep eating and they keep producing feces." Even with this endless supply of fertilizer, An plans to sell the tea for $200 a cup, making it the most expensive in the world, CNN reported. Critics have already begun dismissing An’s tea as gimmick, saying that he is attempting to make money off of the novelty that the tea is produced from Panda feces. According to Reuters, many local tea drinkers who have tried the tea have come away unimpressed, again saying that the price may have created a hype that the tea does not deserve. An says he plans to eventually lower the price of his tea, but only after the first harvesting of his panda poop tea leaves have sold out.

ON THE BLARGH PINK SLIME IN MEAT, WATCH WHAT yOU EAT FRANCE SHOOTINGS

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MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:00 PM Page 8

ate VOL. 39 ISSUE 14 - Thursday, February 10, 2011

EDITOR: CONTACT:

HUNGRY HUNGRY GAMEOS The new overly commercialized film that has popularized braids, hatred of Snow and killing each other for all to see STEFANIE BROOS NEWS EDITOR

The race is on, the flag has been dropped, my Harry Potter withdrawal has finally come to an end. The Hunger Games, book and screenplay written by Suzanne Collins and directed by Gary Ross, raked in a jaw-dropping $152.5 million over the first weekend in North America, breaking the record of the highest gross for a non-summer opening. As an avid reader of the book, and the two other books in the trilogy, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay, the midnight premier did not disappoint, bringing in many fanatics like me. Although some girls sported “Team Gale” and “Team Peeta” shirts much like the shirts which the Twilight Saga have induced, the similarities more or less stop there thank God! The film is centered around Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence), who lives in the post-apocalyptic world of Panem, the future North America. As a reminder to the citizens of the country, every year a girl and a boy from the 12 Districts of Panem between the ages of 12 and 18 are chosen from a lottery to battle to the death in an arena, shown on live television. After Katniss’s younger sister, Prim is chosen, she volunteers to take her place as the girl tribute in the Games. Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson) is then chosen as the boy tribute, who later announces his affection for Katniss in a live interview. What starts out as an apparent ploy to gain popularity with the audience, soon becomes real to Katniss as the Games play out. Although not in as many scenes as I would have liked, Gale Hawthorne (Liam Hemsworth) is well portrayed. He’s contemplative and brooding, and exactly how I pictured his character to be.

However, I disagreed with how most of his scenes were incorporated into the film. Once the games begin, Gale tries to go about his normal life in District 12, trying to avoid the almost undeniable truth that Katniss will not return home, all while trying to come to terms with the budding romance that he sees his best friend fall into. My question is why was this not shown in the movie? Almost the only time that Gale is shown during the extent of the Hunger Games is when there’s affection depicted between Katniss and Peeta. Although the filmmakers intention may have been to merely remind the audience that there’s a sort of love triangle and that Gale should be kept in mind, the reaction of the theatre was of comic relief, not exactly what they were going for. Like the book, first published on Sept. 14, 2008, there is some graphic violence, but to appeal to a broader audience, keeping younger children in mind, some of the actual violence is eluded with fancy editing, cutting away at the last second. One of the cinematic aspects that I really loved throughout the film was the use of the handheld camera. However, opposed to the large sweeping pans that are seen in many of the Harry Potter films, it gave these scenes a sense of grandeur. The camera was shaky in both the depiction of District 12, the poorest District, where Katniss and her family lives, as well as during the games itself. In some instances when Katniss is merely running through the woods, the images are so shaky in fact that all that can be seen that are the blurred shades of green and brown foliage. Although dizzying, I really did feel as if I was right there with the character, experiencing her disorienting sprint through the forest and seeking shelter. In some instances, there’s scarcely any sound at all, let alone music. One of the

Photo Credit: ifc.com

HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DANNNCERRRR

most striking, and intense scenes in the film were the moments before Katniss enters the arena. She is helped to dress by her stylist, Cinna (Lenny Kravitz) and although few words are exchanged, my stomach was in knots and claustrophobia was the only thing I could think of. Jennifer Lawrence gave a passionate and forceful performance as the heroine protagonist, seemingly carrying the film by her interpretation of Katniss; with emotion, yet strength, insecurity and bravery, all wrapped up in one facial expression at a time. As a fan of many book-turned-movies, my number one fear is always that the

movie will never be able to live up to the expectation in my head. Of course the movie won’t be the same, that’s why it’s called an adaptation. But while some films stray from the original plot, or cut characters that are unimportant, The Hunger Games does nothing of the sort. Usually with a film like this, where the hype has been elevated to such a level that it’s almost a religious experience, the film falls short, however this is not the case for The Hunger Games. The film is true to the book, and with the exception of a couple of scenes, I found it to be exactly what I expected, if not more. Pre-production has already begun for

Catching Fire , and the cast will fly back to Asheville, North Carolina for another summer of filming, while the film is set to be released on Nov. 22, 2013. With over a year and a half to go before the next installation in the trilogy, fans like me will just have to be patient. However, as casting for this film has already begun, that will definitely tide me over, with questions of who will play beloved characters such as Johanna Mason, Wiress, Mags, or the swoon-worthy Finnick Odair.

ExhibitionTASTIC

Ana Note Sur Notes at Chapelle historique de Bon-Pasteur is all the rave ALICIA WALCOTT ICE CREAM hATER

“Sans Titre”, Paul-Emilie Rioux

Photo Credit: murmitoyen.com

Classical music and art: the perfect combination. Both recognized as highly inspiring and influential. Ana Notes Sur Notes exhibits art pieces inspired by none other than the musical creations of Ana Sokolovic. The Serbian native classical composer’s repertoire provided 20 contemporary artists with inspiration to paint and take photos to create stimulating art interpretations of Sokolovic’s music. The Ana Notes Sur Notes exhibition is part of the SMCQ’s “Séris hommage”, and captures the attention of every spectator that visits the gallery. Some pieces are very literal interpreta-

tions of Sokolovic’s music. Like Françoise Belu’s Sortie de Palais, consisting of several photos taken and combined to create two images inspired by Sokolovic’s City Songs, an urban-fused, harmonic piano and violin duo. Belu’s photos were taken in Montreal’s very own Old Port and Palais des Congrès and remind viewers of an intense, city-like environment. While Gilles Morisettes also impresses with his installation, “Rompre”, a series of 10 impressions of floating red ribbon over a body of water and breathtaking skies. Morisettes said he was called by the melodies of Sokolovic’s Danses et interludes (2003) to create his red and white contrasted imagery. Next to the installation, Morisettes inspiration can be read in French as, “[It made me imagine] certain silent Serbian dances (without music) where women adorned with necklaces

made of tiny metal plates can be heard.” But a definite eye-catcher is Paul-Émilie Rioux’s. Rioux’s “Sans Titres” black and white pigmented impression on paper stands-out amongst all the other pieces in the exhibition, even though its location is on the furthest side of the gallery. If you’re like me and flipped through the provided program, you were most excited to see Rioux’s piece in person. The somber impression is described by the artists as an interpretation of the fluidity and transparency of water. The relaxed and calm feeling both water and Rioux’s installation provide are said to resemble the same feeling the artist experiences while listening to Sokolović’s works. All the mentioned pieces and more are free to visit at Montreal’s Chapelle historique du Bon-Pasteur until April 1.

plant thetext plant the text plant SO MANY STORIES SPACE TIME BLOW BITCHES UP LOSAAHHSS the plant the plantthe plant plant theSOME plant text text text text. the text SO textLITTLE text. the text textTO text.


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 9

concert review The Weeknd is just really good. Dawsonista

nein

STEPHANIE ULLMAN PhD in CLOThE WEARINg

Maia Casteginer-Noriega

Valerie Ionut

Modern eyeglasses serve new purpose: as a fashion accessory. Gone are the days where they we’re used strictly as medical devices; utilitarian, practical and embarrassing. Here are the days where they’re creative, unique and are the secret weapon to any outfit (and are, legitsies, my savior on no-makeup days). From Mahatma Gandhi to Terry Richardson to Woody Allen, glasses are sometimes the defining factor to your personal brand; your signature, if you will. Even people with 20/20 eyesight want in (Before you ask, No. I do not condone the wearing of fake eyeglasses- possibly the most ridiculous trend ever). Here are the expected top eyeglass

trends for 2012, which is looking to be very retro-inspired: 1.Round. Round glasses are no longer reserved only for Harry Potter. 2012 is proving to be the year the round style rivals the dominating wayfarer shape. It's a great option if you want to do vintage in a fresh way. 2.Cat Eye. This feminine, sexy shape has been around for a while, but with fashions current obsession with the '60s, it's making a fierce comeback. Who doesn't want to be the cat's meow? 3.Details. Think embellishing with crystals, etching, iridescent hues, or cutout details. You’ll feel like you’re wearing art! But, Dawsonista, make sure to be cautious. Because fashion trends are always being recycled, your best bet when purchasing a pair of glasses is to get a classic designs that remains timeless through the decades. This is especially the case if you have a limited budget. Fashion trends are fun, but you definitely don’t want to buy a pair of expensive, trendy glasses only to have them become redundant and unoriginal in 6 months (read: Ray Bans). When looking for a pair of timeless glasses, it is important that you select a pair that will match your wardrobe and your personal style. Glasses won’t suit you if they do not reflect who you are. And, you’ll be getting your money’s worth if you buy a pair that you can wear with anything. So Four-Eyes, embrace your unfortunate vision (as these three girls have: Maia Castegnier-Noriega, Sarah Gaham and Valerie Ionut, respectively) and have fun choosing your frames. Honestly, glasses have to be one of the most fun accessories. With that in mind, go make some plans to go tell that high school bully to suck it.

ALLY HERRINGTON LOvES BLOOD hANDPRINTED vOLLEYBALLS (IF YOU KNOW WhAT I MEAN)

VOL. 39 ISSUE 14 - Thursday, February 10, 2011

As a casual fan of The Weeknd looking for a relaxing and moving evening of music appreciation, I wouldn’t have bought the ticket had I known what was in store. Don’t get me wrong – Abel Tesfaye, The Weeknd himself, exalted the keen audience with soulful, expressive, and poignant renditions of each song that he crooned into the microphone. His delicate, emotionally charged voice was astoundingly reminiscent of the smooth sound that he was able to achieve on each one of his breakthrough mixtapes, a rich harmony of angelic falsetto and romantic melancholy vocals. Thank goodness for his other-worldly technical performance, because if not for that, he might have lost every fan in the room that night. As the Metropolis opened its doors at 7:00 p.m. to fervent enthusiasts that had been lining up since before lunchtime, the crowd’s electricity and excitement was undeniable. When some unknown DJ stepped onstage as a warm-up performer, he received a round of shrieks and applause fit for a king as the anticipation could no longer be contained. Warm-up acts are all well and good, and this guy knew exactly what to spin as he lined up crowd-pleaser after crowd-pleaser: everything from old-school Beyoncé to Snoop Dogg. After one hour of hype, however, the mood began to shift from buzzing with excitement to tired and impatient. Sensing the crowd’s displeasure, the DJ began busting out some foolproof mainstream hits, but after another hour elapsed, the scene was beyond repair. Between bursts of chanting “Weekend, weekend, weekend” to no avail, concert-goers simply stood around slack-jawed and bored out of their minds, checking their phones and watches, having a hard time rationalizing the idea of one artist with a turntable playing a

two-hour set. Finally, three and a half hours after the doors first opened, The Weeknd waltzed onstage as if everything was fine and dandy. I was almost inclined to boo him for his blatant disregard of the waiting we had just done, but the elated reception was so astoundingly deafening that I had no choice but to join in. With the first few notes of “High for This,” Tesfaye had the entire crowd falling in love with the thumping bassline and the overwhelming ambient feel of the song on such a massive sound system. I was mildly disappointed when he decided to create a short mash-up out of “The Birds Part 1” and “D.D.”, two of my absolute favourites, but at that point I was just happy that he was onstage, and they sounded damn perfect regardless. “Montreal”, as expected, was one of the night’s gems, with every attendee in the house patriotically belting out every word of the beautifully ambient track. During the French chorus, Tesfaye held out the microphone, answered by the crowd breathlessly filling in the blanks. Continuing with the raunchy “House of Balloons/Glass Table Girls” and closing the show with an acoustic version of “Wicked Games” as his encore, The Weeknd’s set clocked in at just about an hour, maybe slightly less. The crowd was in a general state of euphoria, their ears having been finally graced with Tesfaye’s saintly vocals, but I was left with a sour taste in my mouth about the whole thing. I’m all for blowing a wad of cash on a concert, but I definitely felt gypped out of fifty bucks. The Weeknd was entitled to play a brief set, there’s no harm in that – but when an opening act is double the length of the main event, I think it’s time for the headliner to reconsider their agenda. As a farewell, Tesfaye had the audacity to self-promote by shouting “See you at Osheaga!” However, as a non-believer in unconditional love who now resents The Weeknd, I think I’ll pass.

arts&culture

Like really really good.

Symon says...

“Sunset in Isfahan”, Ghada Amer, 2010

not immediately obvious, which adds beautiful depth to the overall piece. The women, often pornographic, are repeated precisely creating a wallpaper-style pattern. Conceptually, Amer’s work talks about the identity of women in today’s society. The work is technically skilled, rele-

Photo Credit: cheimread.com

vant to today and extremely original. All the makings of world class art can be observed in this stunning exhibition. Wangechi Mutu, from Kenya, born 1972 (40 years old!!!) has a slightly more abstract take on things. To the barely educated art student, her work is harder to re-

late to. “The centrepiece of the exhibition is the installation Moth Girls, 2010, recently acquired by the Musée. In the recurrence of a half-human, half-animal, female figure, the product of an extreme hybridization, the work reintroduces the notion of taxonomy, along with the volatile notion of classification and hierarchization of species and, by extension, peoples and races. The installation of the work recalls a classroom configuration that resembles a modest African school. Carving material right out of the wall surface creates a kind of crevices, reddened patches like engravings expressively representing the shapes of four lakes in Kenya. This elemental relationship with landscapes of a remembered geography is part of the intense introspective power that pervades Mutu’s work. Conjuring up a physical wound and colonialism’s territorial appropriation and exploitation, the artist merges poetic symbolism with an ethno-political discourse.” Valerie Blass sucked. Her sculptures are provocative looking, well made, but generally lacking in punch. Musée d’art contemporain de Montréal 185 rue Ste-Catherine Ouest (coin Jeanne-Mance) Free from 5 to 9 on Wednesdays.

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DAVID SYMON MYSTERY MAN ThAT MYSTERIOUSLY SENDS ARTICLES IN EvERY WEEK..... OUUUhhh (SOUND OF A ghOST)

EDITOR: CONTACT:

Amazing artwork can be experienced free of charge on Wednesday evenings. This Wednesday, go to the Musee d’art contemporain at Place des arts. Three women have powerful exhibitions up for your viewing pleasure. Actually, make that two because the third cannot be described by the word powerful. Ghada Amer, Wangechi Mutu and Montreal’s own Valerie Blass, represented by Parisian Laundry, occupy the modern art institution’s main exhibition spaces. The show is definitely worth seeing for Amer and Mutu, both of whom are international superstars. The local hero Blass comes up short conceptually but her work is quite commendable on a technical level. Ghada Amer was born in 1963 in Cairo, Egypt. She is the first Arab artist to have a solo exhibition at the Tel Aviv Museum in Israel. Her work is jaw-dropping. At first glance, a luxurious intertwining of colours draws its viewers towards the canvas. Upon examination, one realizes that the colours belong to threads that are meticulously sewn onto the surface. The composition of these images in terms of colour and optical movement are in themselves of high quality. Fortunately, one realizes upon further scrutiny that the jumbles of coloured thread actually outline extremely well drawn images of women. The effect is


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 10

EXCLUSIVE

Interview with One Direction

Editor-in-Chief Casandra De Masi braved the rabid crowd of pre-teens and cougars outside Musique Plus this past Tuesday in order to get a one-on-one interview with the newest British Boy Band sensation, One Direction. CASANDRA DE MASI MAFIOSO EXTRAORDINAIRE (IgNORE WhAT IT SAYS IN ThE DECK hATERS)

EDITOR: Ema Kibirkstis CONTACT: ekib@live.ca

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

arts&culture

diss

The air was crisp on the chilly midMarch afternoon. The smell of exhaust from the downtown streets mixed in with the smell of anxiety and vanilla that radiated from the estrogen filled crowd. My ear drums jumped around as they were being provoked by the high pitched screams that could send dogs running. That is when they emerged from their car. The five teenage british boys that won over the hearts of England and have began to curl their stubby little fingers around those of other fans all over the globe. One Direction. I sat down with the boys for a brief interview, and used my super sonic journalistic skills to dig up the dirt that no other magazine or newspaper in the world has been able to find as of yet. This is gripping stuff, children. *** Casandra Hi Boys, what do you think of Montreal so far? Zayn It’s quite cold. Harry Yes, my helmet of hair is keeping me quite warm Liam Chilly, but my eyebrows act like earmuffs for my face. Casandra Good, it’s great that you’re all just so resourceful. Now a few people were asking me about your music. Do you write your own songs? Niall Well it depends what you mean by write? Casandra Do you pick up and pen and a paper and utilize your own wrists? Louis We fill in the blanks, like ad-libbing... Zayn It is a lot of creative work, I got carpal tunnel from repetitive movements. The same damn words come up so often. Casandra Right... Now, with you guys being so young, do you find it easy to relate to a younger generation through your music and style? Niall It’s hard to keep up appearance sometimes, you know... Harry Shut it Niall... What he meant was that it is hard to make sure we are good role

Photo Credit: facebook.com

barr bros

models in such a fast paced society. Niall No I meant... Zayn Stop. Niall Let me speakLiam No, you bloody leprechaun, just answer her questions properly or you know what will happen. Casandra I am sorry; I really am not following here. *High Pitch Yell* Casandra What was that? Harry Liam’s eyebrows, they suffer from anxiety. Casandra Okay. I am going to ignore all that and stick with the simple questions from fans. Louis, what is your favorite colour? Louis Razzmatazz Casandra Of course... maybe we can talk a little about your fashion sense then. How do you come up with your outfits? Harry They are chosen for us... Casandra It seems a lot is chosen for you... is life stressful under these circumstances? Zayn

Why are you asking all of these questions? They are suspicious and making us feel quite uncomfortable. *High pitch scream* Liam Sorry... Casandra I am simply doing my job, but I feel like there is more to you guys than you let on. *Silence* Harry I tried playing it cool, but when I’m looking at you... Casandra You are avoiding my question by singing, now. Liam I see it in your eyes you’re disappointed, cause I’m the foolish one that you anointed with this interview, and I tore it apart. And girl what I mess I’ve made of your first big interview, but Simon Cowell is hiding underneath this stage, so here we are asking you for all your help Harry Can you Calllll the Policeee, get this all on tape, so we can rewinddd. Please don’t walk away, he’ll hurt us bad, there is just nowhere to turnnnnn Casandra Um... I think I am going to have to end the interview here... All together We’ve gotta be trueeeee Harry I am actually Mick Jagger0’s bastard

child and did not inherit the moves like Jagger and was told to go hard or go home so now I am holding onto this boy band because it is all I’ve got. Niall is actually from a clan of Leprechauns that miss him dearly, Liam was just eyebrows until the XFactor people created a body for him, we aren’t sure where Louis came from and Zayn is... Zayn I’m pretty much the only normal one. Liam Please help us, Cowell is coming. He’ll put us back in the punishment suite, filled with pictures of Paula Abdul and his baby gap t-shirts! *The Wanted burst into the room* The Wanted Why weren’t we invited to the downfall of One Direction? Casandra Because... I have no interview scheduled with you. Now if you’d excuse me I am getting to the bottom of things here. The Wanted We burst in, we’re in charge, it’s all about, here and now, One Direction will never be the same, we’re glad we came, we’re glad we came Casandra ..... *** I ended my interview with the group there because I began to fear for my life. I was asked to leave the building immediately.

That’s a wrap for FIFA 2012 Festival International du Film sur l’Art comes to an end SARA BARONGOODMAN

The 30th annual International Festival of Films on Art (FIFA) came to a close on Sunday, with Opalka: One Life, One Oeuvre taking the grand prize. This year’s FIFA included over 130 films and numerous special events for audiences to enjoy from March 15 to 25. Though supplementary screenings of films extended until Sunday evening, an exclusive awards ceremony took place Saturday night, and winning films were released the next morning.

A gOOD WOO MAN

Opalka

The winning film, hailing from Poland, was Opalka: One Life, One Oeuvre, directed by Andrej Sapija. The film was a documentary style biography of the work of Polish painter, Roman Opalka. Though it started off slow, it offered an interesting window into the artist’s work and life, and drew audiences into the existential importance he places on what he refers to as his details essentially his canvases which are composed of row upon row of ascending numbers. [CONTINUED ON PAGE 11]

Photo Credit: rhiamelissabrennan.blogspot.ca

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MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 11

sweet movies bro... yo. film of each screening, offering the audience a glimpse of the subject matter of the two films they would soon be watching. Alongside Opalka, two shorter films were presented: Après, directed by Alain Fleischer (France), and A Few Lost Words, directed by Canadian Jennifer Alleyn. Both were the true embodiments of what would think of as an “art film”; ripe with metaphorical imagery, Hitchcock-inspired shadowy figures, and poignant voiceovers. In the case of Après, this last took the form of angsty questions posed towards death, while A Few Lost Words revolved around writer and actress Nancy Huston’s recitation of her own poetry. Other than the grand prize, FIFA recognized 11 other films in the categories of

Jury’s Award, Award for Best Educational Film, Award for Creativity, Award for Best Canadian Film, Award for Best Essay, Award for Best Portrait, Award for Best Reportage, Award for Best Film for Television, the Liliane Stewart Award for Design Arts, ARTV Springboard to the World Award, and Special Mention. Recipients for these categories were: ! W.A.R Women Art Revolution (United States), La Spira (France, Italy), Soundbreaker (Finland, Germany), Bone Wind Fire (Canada), Voyage au Bout de Celine (France), Tinguely (Switzerland), Unfinished Spaces (United States), Ai Wei Wei: Without Fear or Favor (United Kingdom), Coloring Light: Brain Clarke – An Artist Apart (United Kingdom, The Netherlands), Aux Limites de la Scene (Canada) and

Romain Gary – le Roman du Double (France), respectively. Of those that I saw however, my favorite was Eames: The Architect and the Painter, directed by Americans Jason Cohn and Bill Jersey. This film explored the partnership and design conceptions of husband and wife team Charles and Ray Eames, and their influence on modern décor. Unlike many of the other films, this one did not seem to take itself too seriously, bringing comedy and humanity to the portraits of these design icons, while still offering insight and the called-for art themes. A final prize, for the audience’s preferred film, will be announced within the next week.

$

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[CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10] Throughout the film, a recording of Opalka counting in Polish was audible, and lent it an almost eerie tone. The high points of Opalka, were for me, learning about this artist’s acute determination and faith in his work, as he counts each number on his canvas as representative of a moment of time itself. While not the most thrilling film- in my opinion it could have been about 15 minutes shorter- this was an interesting and insightful film, and unlike any other I’ve seen. Each of the FIFA screenings included two films, averaging an hour each, and were grouped by theme and subject matter. Introductory remarks were made by special guests of the Festival before the first

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MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 12

dou VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

EDITOR: Oliver Nacey CONTACT: olivernacey@gmail.com

@Twitter, #Hatred NATALIE SOLOMON STAFF WRITER

Last week, the youngest and most infernal social networking website, which permits its users to communicate virally with up to 140 characters, turned six years old. If you haven’t already guessed which site I’m talking about, #youreanidiot. I joined the Twitter family about two years ago, and to my expectations, my predictions served me right. Although I’m embarrassed to admit, I fell into the band wagon trap and joined the absurdum because all of my friends were doing it. I lasted for two weeks, until soon enough; I began to notice its endless amounts of flaw filled fallacies. Twitter, the most pointless, irrational and unworthy social networking institution, allows its tweeters to virtually express whatever the hell is on their minds at any imaginable hour of the day or night. I’m not saying that I have no interest for people who tweet about world affairs or societal breakthroughs, but the majority of us don’t give a crap about the double beef patty, cheddar cheese and bacon hamburger you just inhaled, #heartattackon-

aplatemuch. And even if tweeters did dedicate their status updates with thoughts pertaining to worldly matters, I would rather just watch the news. Or better yet, read the newspaper, since those writers actually have the capability of portraying their ideas lucidly. Twitter directly encourages terrible grammar. To my frustration, a thought about Barack Obama’s 2009 achieved presidency would be executed as, “@BarackObama - Congratz on making prez! #breakingnews #meninblack #partyintheusa.” Further, Twitter promotes the exploitation of individuality. The site exhibits an evident “follow the leader” pattern. Tweeters have taken the concept of trending to a whole new level. These people feel the need to publicize any mundane, media related topic. I’m not saying that each and every broadcasted subject is completely humdrum. But for the most part, tweeters will successfully abuse the famous hash tag by providing hundreds of different variants of the same thing. Is it really necessary to be seeing tags like #kardashian,#kardashianforlife, #wannabekim,#kardashsisters and #thingslongerthankimsmarriage all trend-

ing, every minute on the minute? Or even trending at all per se? Oh, and did I mention that coincidentally, in order to “friend” someone on Twitter, you are required to “follow” him? #pathetic. On a serious note however, what’s with the Twitter mascot birds? Are they supposed to represent some sort of concept of freedom? I guess that makes sense, seeing as how tweeters have the liberty to write an entire 140 characters per tweet, the approximate equivalence to a whole two lines of profound thoughts in 12 point Times New Roman font! As well, the amount of times I’ve heard people complaining about Twitter’s server malfunctions is indescribable. Perhaps Twitter should adopt their ironically peaceful looking fail whale as their new mascot, since it seems to appear so often anyways. Since I ditched the Twitter scene shortly after I joined it two years ago, my hatred towards the social network has only grown stronger, and will probably incline as I continue to witness my friends’ futility. #Tweetout tragic tweeters. And to those of you who have actually refrained from joining the absurdity for reasons such as my own, #congratulations.

Annoying metroers ALEXANDRA HERRNGTON STAFF WRITER

Popular opinion has it that public transportation is a convenient and efficient way of getting from destination A to destination B. Like most other matters of public opinion, this is absolute bullshit. While it is (mostly) an efficient way of getting around, it’s about as convenient as a root canal or wet socks, both of the latter being slightly more attractive prospects than taking public transit. Whether it’s having to ask dick-whobrought-his-bike-on-the-rush-hour-metro to please remove his bike wheel from my ass crack or hearing the business-manwho-lives-his-life-vicariously-throughMad-Men be obnoxiously loud on his cellphone, the public transit system houses a vast array of people, all waiting for the

I hate you too.

opportunity to ruin my day (read: life). Here are my favorites: 5. Wild Conductors: Speed up, slow down, speed up, slow down, speed up, and...I just spilt my coffee, you prick. Nothing in the world can make my noxious, crowded commute any worse like the overpaid ass playing with the metro controls. And my, does he ever do a good job. Seriously bro, IT’S NOT THAT HARD. Ready for it? Here it is: go until you need to stop. There aren’t any surprises on the track and if there are... well, speed up and run them over. It’s their fault; they’re not supposed to be on the track. Just please, don’t slow down until we get to the station. And when we do get to the next platform, slide in gently. Don’t jerk it in awkwardly like you did with your prom date. 4. Families (particularly with babies). It’s horrendously arrogant to suggest that families, particularly with babies, shouldn’t be allowed on the metro. But families, partic-

photo credit: fineartamerica.com

ularly with babies, shouldn’t be allowed on the metro. The moment you allow a genetic circus act to board the bus or metro, you set the stage for an interactive theatre of discomfort for every other person riding on said bus or metro. As much as I can appreciate that you’re a “working woman and have to get your kid to daycare,” it’s seven in the morning and I’m hungover. Take your screaming sex trophy and make it stop throwing Cheerios at my face. 3. The DJ. It was bad enough having to deal with the person who would crank their music up so loud that it would bleed through their cheap earphones. Now, there seems to be a new subclass of douches that don’t even bother with headphones, preferring instead to listen to music through the crappy speakers of their smartphone and managing to take douche-baggery to a whole new level. Don’t they understand the rules- ‘My music is good, your music sucks’? 4. The "Jesus Christ, Why Do You Smell So Bad?" Person. They might use deodorant, they might not. Judging from the size of those pit stains, I’d say not. Regardless, they smell terrible...and I get to sit next to them. Once they’re sufficiently satisfied with the degree of their stench that has permeated my clothing, they get off. Convenient. (To clarify, I am not hatin’ on the hobos. This applies specifically only to those who choose to smell). 1. The Whiny Entitled Girl. She writes pissy articles about how no one moves out of the way for her on the metro or bus (because she clearly deserves to be catered to on public transportation). She will spend the rest of her life as a hermit, reveling in the delight that is her superiority complex.

Ha. It’s a bird.

photo credit: plancast.com

Musings Fish

thetext plant thetext plant the thetext plant cough* the plant text plant theplant plant*fever* text*cough text. the text *vomit* text text. text text text. the plant

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One Wonder Woman Two Hawkeye Red The Thing Blue Morgan Freeman


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 13

Comrades Skanks Dear Sack,

The Hunger Games frenzy continues following the film’s box office record breaking weekend, raking in a total of over 155 million dollars! The film was also the cause of a riot in Russia, after one man stole another’s movie ticket. Thankfully, no deaths were recorded. However, the alleged thief did receive an arrow to the eye. Elsewhere, students at an American high school called in news cameras after they staged their own Hunger Games for an Orienteering Gym class. Students spent six days out in the woods. Reality TV explorer Bear Gryllis was inexplicably present, and when asked about his appearance he said he heard of the kids through twitter and though he would come by in case any of them needed advice on wildlife skills or drinking their own urine. A flood of money was also the cause of the disappearance of some Lionsgate employees. The production company began their search efforts on Sunday night and are asking anyone with information to call 1-800-Cashforemployees. While everyone is still discussing the film’s accuracy, acting and overall produc-

tion, rumours have begun to circulate on the subject of casting for the sequel, Catching Fire, based on the second book of the trilogy with the same title. While Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth, as well as other main characters, have already been signed for the sequel, some new names have been added to the mix. One of these names being none other than Ryan Gosling. Gosling has reportedly been cast to play Finnick Odair, according to multiple celebrity sources. While nothing has been confirmed due to the early stage of the movie’s production, which has barely begun, the news of this possible casting is receiving mixed reactions. “Yo he’s too old for this shit. His eyes looking the wrong way 2,” commented one fan on celebrity blog, Starz101. “Gosling is absolutely fantastic in everything he plays. I have no doubts he can pull this off,” user MasiDE also commented on Starz 101. Gosling reportedly met with Director Gary Ross and the movie’s main actors for a dinner the night of one of the movie’s Toronto premiere. While cameras were

Yours Sovietly, Commissar Anton Plakov

I feel so bad for you girlfriend. There is no excuse for your boy not trimming. I don’t care how comfortable you are with each other... not trimming is pretty much the first step to letting yourself go. Next thing you know he’ll start showing less, he’ll start gaining weight, getting lazy in bed. It’s pretty much leading to disaster. Personally I wouldn’t put that near my mouth, let alone vagina, in a million years. If you don’t take care of yourself, why would you expect me to take care of you. If it really keeps bothering you then I say tell your man. Or you can book him a waxing session and make him go... better yet, grow out your bush and see how much he likes it when your pubes start pulling at each other like wild animals.

Hey Gentle Giant, Well... I see you don’t like to play rough. There’s not much you can really do. Do you plan on sleeping with this girl again? You obviously didn’t enjoy it... But if you are you can either just sit back and take it but remember if she shreds you in bed it’s kind of like an open invitation to shred her back. Biting, hitting, twisting nipples, choking... all is ok once she makes the first move. Don’t be afraid to dish it back twice as hard either. Girls like that (and like me) absolutely love being rough housed.

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

can, Hanna Montanas. The fact that you audience enjoy this says very much about your character. You are blood hungry evil son or daughter of bitches who find joy in children killing themselves. Hope that is fully, you will only live vicariously through persons in books and this will not become some cult classic like the wizard bitch Harry Potter. If so, I am alarmed that many peoples will be running around shooting arrows at each other and slaughtering elementary school children with excuse that they were representative of their districts fighting for the win. On bright side, if population take this seriously there will be no more dungeon and dragon virgins running around hill in Montreal fighting each other during weekend. In order to combat this problem, we will now be sending hunger fans to Siberia so that they may learn to no longer think that such movie is good. May the odds of not landing in Gulag be ever in your favor.

The other day me and this chick were doing the dirty deed when all of a sudden she got super rough. When I say I rough I mean biting my balls rough... How do I get her not to rip me to shreds? -Gentle Giant

Love and Lube, The Skank

not inside the restaurant, diners described a fight that broke out between Gosling and Hutcherson, who plays main character Peeta Mellark. Gosling reportedly offered Lawrence a gift with some kind words that set off Hutcherson. “Hey girl, I made you this here necklace. It’s adorned with a mocking jay that belonged to my meemaw.” Hutcherson was apparently enraged with jealousy, which sparked a heated argument between the two. While Gosling tried to keep his calm, one onlooker reported that Hutcherson ran to the back of the restaurant and emerged with a sack of flour which he proceeded to chuck at Gosling’s beautiful face. This resulted in Gosling’s infamous crooked eye to slide back into place. After realizing he did more good than harm, Hutcherson reportedly went to cry in the corner adjacent to the cake display. On lookers reported that Gosling’s cool began to break as he tried to shake the flour out of his sculpted locks. He proceeded to slide off his dress blazer and revealed a silk jacket adorned with a scorpion on the back.

When Hutcherson made it back to the table, Gosling asked if he wanted to take a walk with him to the elevator which led them to the lobby. As the two walked out, diners reported a strange 80’s electric pop background music filling the restaurant, followed by screams coming from the elevator. Lawrence, Hemsworth and Ross sat quietly for a few minutes, with Lawrence cracking awkward jokes with other diners and fans and Hemsworth finally speaking out in frustration. “This is bloody strange. I’m calling up my brother and asking him to take me back to his planet. Rather civil up there they are.” Passers-by outside the restaurant reported seeing the two emerge from the parking lot looking frazzled. Hutcherson had a bleeding nose and a puffy eye, however Gosling was not unscathed. Reports say he had even more flour stuck to his hair and face, and his eye had slipped back into its crooked state. No official comments have been released from Ross or Lionsgate. Five Roses flour is looking to recruit Hutcherson as their poster boy.

the plantthe the plant thetext plant If Dahlia three thosetext are text the names she the would give them. planthad the plant plant the legit. plantthe plant text textducks text text. text text. text text text.Super

CASANDRA DE MASI hEAD gAMEMAKER

EDITOR: CONTACT:

Dear Committee for people who Like the Games which make you Hungry, What the fuck is hunk of crap that has just made Hollywood success? I have seen Mickey Mouse movie with more interesting story. Have you lost sense of taste? Pitting children against themselves is funny to you? I believe that some good old time in soviet labour camp will make you rethink your lust for such barbarian movie. I remember time when movies were good and told entirely true story like Battleship Potemkin. Now there was movie which would make your proletarian heart sing most proudly. Movie has good values and brought the family together. Days which are these, it is skit skit bang bang and you make the sex with woman. That is not cinematic masterpiece, it is pornography! I know I sound like columnist granny bitch but today’s movies leaves me in state that can only be described as the fuck that is what. So squirrel hunting katpiss lady volunteers to go slaughter other people which appease the aristocrats in big city to save the sister. Then bitch falls short of fucking other contestant while boy back home is watching. What the fuck is that? This is not movie is as tragic and depressing as movie career of famed Ameri-

voices

I’m really in love with my boyfriend but last time I went down on him I gagged before we even started. His bush was HUGE! It’s not the 70’s. I want it gone. -Afro Sack

friday


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 14

The Friend Zone

for-ten

VOL.40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

Voices

MAIkA DUPERVAL STAFF WRITER

A controversial and crucial part of our basically deranged society is being a part of something called Friends with Benefits. Every single movie in the world will tell you and inform you that being friends with benefits does not work out. So don’t be stupid. You are only setting yourself up for an emotionally stressful sex life. I mean it’s cool you get to unleash your sexy beast without all the emotional attachment, but what happens when feelings DO get involved? And do not think just because you’re a “laid back” person who “goes with the flow” and just “doesn’t give a damn” that it’s ok, because most of the time it is not. If you have or are in a friend with benefits relationship and haven’t gone through the emotional distress…umm, congratulations or just wait for it. Also…being friends with benefits is a huge part of the friend zone. The guy who is in love with the girl but of course, the girl only goes to the guy emotionally. But what happens when the girl and her boyfriend get in a huge fight and break up and goes to her friend zoned companion? Most of the time…or stereotypically in the biggest clichéd scenario, you will be knocking

boots. To the men or women in that situation, control your hormones and be there emotionally. Like, think about it…if you are in the friend zone it’s because the person who put you there is in a relationship they can bitch to you about right? And normally when they are done bitching, they are perfectly fine with their partner. And where are you…still in the friend zone. So if you were to grind your reproductive organs together you are obviously happy at first. But then it gets awkward because you’re in the friend zone and your one night lover wants to get back together with their partner. Most of the time this happens, and if it doesn’t happen to you and turns out that they actually realized how much they want to be with you then OMFG you are one lucky son of a bitch and got what you wanted and I personally hate you. In general, being a friend with benefits does not work. It does not!! Like, what if you really are in it just for the sex and BOOM! all of a sudden you are not only placed in the friend zoned, but you have lost your casual orgasm and that’s obviously just no fun! It’s also a sign to tell you that you might as well just see yourself in an actual relationship with commitments and shit. I mean there is nothing to be ashamed of being a friend with benefit and all. Everyone wants to feel wanted, no matter how

photo credit: imageshakc.us

This looks like Nathan FIllion

much you deny not caring what people think. So it’s safe to assume that being a friend with benefits makes you feel good. But it’s also safe to assume that it is stupid

and shouldn’t be done. Also email me at Duperval.m@gmail.com if you have a topic you want me to address or just need blunt ass advice.

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MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 15

nifty EDITOR: Zac Starke CONTACT: zacstarke@live.ca

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dawsonized Mad-Lib for yall to play on; haters. (1) ENTER DATE

(12) ACTION VERB THAT ENDS WITH -ING

(2) NOUN (3) NOUN (4) ADJECTIVE (5) ACTION VERB THAT ENDS WITH -ING

(13) ADJECTIVE THAT ENDS WITH –ERS (14) ENTER A STUDENT’S NAME/PROGRAM/SEMESTER (15) SAME AS (2)

(6) ENTER A STUEDENT’S NAME/PROGRAM/SEMESTER

(16) STUDENT’S LAST NAME (17) NOUN

(7) NOUN (18) ORGAN OF CHOICE (8) NOUN (9) ENTER A FACULTY MEMBER’S NAME AND DEPARTMENT

(19) BODILY FUNCTION OF CHOICE (21) CAREER THAT ENDS WITH -IST

(10) SAME ANSWER AS (2) (11) FACULTY MEMBER’S LAST NAME

(22) SAME AS PREVIOUS ANSWER (23) ADVERB

On (1)____________, Dawson announced that the (2)_________ club is to be closed/ing due to the fact that the bulk of its members were caught consuming (3)_____________ within their club space, which was often followed upon by dozens of (4)____________ orgies and a blatant disregard for college policies. “They were (5)__________ like crazy!” (6)____________________ said. “I could not believe what I was seeing! Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is them taking (7)____________ (s) and going into a (8)_____________ -fueled assaults of rage; they actually threatened my life.”

However, despite recent hype, this issue is not an old one for the college and according to (9)____________________ ____, things may finally be looking up for students affected by the (10)___________ club. “For once, students can finally walk these halls without having to worry about the looming stench of that horrid group of individuals,” (11)___________ said. “ I personally have walked into that space, only to be utterly appalled at the way they were (12)_____________ like rabid beasts; ever since its been my mission to get those (13)_____________ out of this school for good.”

down on this long-standing m e n a c e , (14)________________, a former (15)________ club member, believes it won’t be so easy. “They’ve been here pretty much as long as the school itself has and it’s highly doubtful that they’re going anywhere now or anytime soon; there’s more of them than you could possibly imagine,” (16)______________ said. “All I CAN say, is that I was lucky enough to get out, every other time I tried to leave they kept hooking me back in with drugs until I developed a massive addiction to (17)_____________ (s) and couldn’t stop.” S/He added, “By the time they were done with me, I was left with a gaping hole my Although college faculty where have finally begun to crack (18)_____________ used to

be and I’m just starting to regain control over my (19)_________________. I’m just lucky they thought I was dead.” “I only have one message for them,” he ended with tears beginning to flood his eyes, “Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as a(n) (20)_____________, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as a(n) (21)________________, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?”

With such a strong compilation of evidence and testimonies that have been, and are continuing to be built, the likelihood of the club remaining on campus for much longer is slim to none, unless however, there is a connection inside the Dawson faculty. “It goes all the way back to Dawson’s founding days,” an anonymous tipster said. “They’ve been conducting their (22)______________ rituals for decades, but they’re only pawns; the big cheese is someone hidden within plain sight.” He concluded, “You just have to know where to look.”

the plant “Let me give you my number in case something happens to my wife.” - Vince Vaughn the plant “I can’t turn left, I’m not an ambi-turner.” Ben Stiller the plant


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 16

sweet VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, Marcj 29, 2012

EDITOR: Samantha Mileto CONTACT: samantha.m_11@hotmail.com

Dawson singing the Blues HAYLEY WICkENHEISER CAPTAIN CANADA

Dawson Blues women’s hockey team came out with a frustrating 4-2 loss against Edouard Montpetit Lynx on Sat. March 24 in their third round robin game of the playoffs. Four minutes in, Blues defenseman Cassandra Poudrier was tripped in the Lynx zone, earning the Blues a five on four advantage. However, the two-minute power play ended up being a boring passing session with only one shot on the Lynx net, as the Blues failed to take the 1-0 lead. Halfway through the first period, it was Edouard Montpetit who took the lead as Claudianna Delorme got the puck past Blues goaltender Melanie Fournier to make the game 1-0. Two minutes later, Lynx forward Gabrielle Savoie expanded their lead

against Dawson with another goal. With seven minutes left, Dawson’s Poudrier was sent to the box for slashing and 30 seconds later Dawson’s Audrey Ann Boutour joined her teammate in the box, giving the Blues a 5-on-3 disadvantage. The Lynx got six good chances on net that forced Fournier to work to make all the saves. “We have set plays [to fight off penalties],” Blues forward Jennifer Pouliot said. “The fact that we killed it off gave the team energy and momentum.” Blues forward Gabrielle Davidson reduced the Lynx lead to 2-1 when her shot hit the netting on the power play to end the first period. The start of the second period was dominated by Dawson, who got two shots on net in the first 30 seconds. “The goal at the end of the first got [the girls] really pumped,” Head Coach Scott Lambton said.

Despite Dawson’s strong start, Edouard Montpetit got a lucky break and widened their lead off of a rebound. One minute later, Dawson forward Alexandria D’Onofrio released a wrap-around shot that slides in off of the goalie’s pad making the score 3-2. After Dawson obtained a too-manymen penalty at 11:15 into the period, Edouard Montpetit set up a nice goal that left three Dawson players to dive across the net to save it, giving the Lynx a 4-2 lead to end the second period. In the first eight minutes of the third period, Dawson was playing hard, getting the first shot on net one minute in. “I ripped into them in the change room before the third,” Lambton said about their hard play at the beginning of the period. Halfway through the third period, Dawson earned a two-man advantage. Two minutes were spent in the opposition’s zone carefully setting up, but not that

many shots were released. “They were doing exactly what we told them to do,” Lambton said. “We wanted them to set it up and get the puck to the slot, we were just unlucky when it got there.” Just as the sides became 5-on-5 again, the Lynx earned two more penalties giving Dawson another 5-on-3 power play with five minutes left to play. Although this was the moment to score, nothing came from the power play except a lot of passing back and forth as the Lynx repeatedly cleared the puck out of the zone leaving the final score at 4-2. “The second [power play] was just absolutely terrible,” Lambton said. “I think we know what we have to work on in practice,” Lambton said. He added that the loss was frustrating. “I’m upset because I know we are a much better team, and tonight we played dumb.”

HOCkEY

Upcoming Round-Robin Games: Sunday, April 1, 2012 Dawson vs. Lionel-Groulx College Lionel Groulx 12:30 p.m Thursday, April 5, 2012 Dawson vs. Edouard Monpetit Gadbois Arena 8:20 p.m.

See ya later, Scotty

photo source: www.habstalkradio.com

Ugh, fml.....

ANDREW LADD STAFF PIONEER

Scott Gomez’s tenure as the most overpaid player in Montreal Canadiens history is over. And not a moment too soon. The much maligned Habs centre has announced his impending retirement following this season, a season so bad that even Gomez’s atrocious play hasn’t stood out all that much. After all, this year he’s had to compete with the likes of Chris Campoli, Tomas Kaberle and Andrei Kostitsyn for the title of “Biggest Underachieving Veteran Causing TV Remote Projectile Launching.” In related news, the Canadiens have announced that this award will be renamed “The Scott Gomez Memorial Trophy”

starting next season. Gomez’s trademark “carry the puck into the zone, stop at the half boards, and pass it off to the middle even when everyone’s covered” play has become as infamous in Montreal as his Godzilla sized contract, and after three long years, Gomez seems to have finally worn out his welcome. Not just in La Belle Province, but everywhere. Amazingly, no teams in any of the major pro leagues have shown interest in the American born centre. “There were rumors that the Canadiens wanted to buy-out my contract next year, so my agent hit the phones right away,” Gomez said. “He spoke to all 30 NHL teams, the KHL, even the AHL, but I guess there wasn’t much interest.” “It’s surprising really; I mean I did have a 33-goal season six years ago and I have

scored twice in my last 74 games.” Gomez’s 58-game goal drought did in fact end early last month, and he added another tally just a few games later. Having hit the back of the net twice this year, Gomez’s salary comes out to a cool 3.75 million per goal. “When I took on Kaberle’s contract from Carolina, I thought maybe Rutherford (Carolina’s GM) would have some sympathy for me and take on Gomez’s contract later in the year,” Canadiens GM Pierre Gauthier said. “He pinky promised and everything.” The trade deadline has come and gone, and no deal has been completed with the Hurricanes. Rutherford denies all pinky promise allegations. With nowhere to turn, Gomez believes it’s finally time to hang up his skates. After collecting just over 41 million dollars in the last five years, the Alaska native has nothing to worry about financially. “I’m thankful for my time in the NHL and especially thankful to Glen Sather for getting drunk and offering me that contract in New York. I don’t know where I’d be today without him.”

photo source: http://dalje.com/

yay, my first goal in a year

k, he obviously doesn’t score

the plantthe theplant planttext gomez gone.... & the canadiens win the Cupthe haha lolztext that’s a good one... the plant plant the plant text the plant textthe textplant text text. textStanley text text. text text.

photo source: nationalpostsports.tumblr.com

photo source: http://exruefrontenac.com/


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 17

almost EDITOR: Steph Ullman CONTACT: steph_ullman@gmail.com

LAMEBOOK

VOL. 40 ISSUE 20 - Thursday, March 29, 2012

90â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s item of the week

motorized infant cadillac

New York has banned references to Dinosaurs, Halloween, Birthdays, Poverty and Dancing on its standardized tests. the plant two pages two issues in a row the plant running out of funny shyte the plant JUST TELL ME IM FUNNY. LOVE ME. the plant


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 18

legal

A man has been keeping his right arm raised in the air for the past 39 years

the plant mr nickelback had ramen hair the plant hehehehehehehe the plant thank god i dont have ramen hair the plant

shit must sukkk


Troll

MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 19


MASTER YO:The Master 12-03-28 10:01 PM Page 20

The Plant Volume 40 Issue 20  

April Fooling since 1969

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