Th e Ow l | Spr in g 2017 | Page 4
A Sacr ed St or y There are varying degrees of sexual trauma and all of them, regardless of the scenario, rob a person of their personal power and dignity. It can leave unseen wounds and scars on the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual bodies of a person. There is an underlying current of emotions tied to this type of trauma including shame, blame, hurt, rage, sadness, and humiliation that can unconsciously impact your life in ways you didn?t know were possible. Around age 3 or 4, someone close in age and connected through family began touching me inappropriately. He called it playing doctor. Because I was equally curious and we were both innocent kids, it didn?t seem wrong; as strange as it is to say it felt good. At the age of six a switch went off, and it became uncomfortable. I no longer wanted to participate in that kind of ?play,? but no was not an acceptable answer. This was when the coercion and manipulation began; it changed from child curiosity to molestation, occurring until the age of 11. Finally, I threatened to tell someone if it did not stop. Oddly, it didn?t affect my life in the conventional kind of way. I didn?t harbor any resentment, or anger
towards the person who did it. I didn?t become jaded or bitter towards men, I didn?t have trust issues, and I thought I had a healthy sex life. I assumed I was fine, unscathed. There was a resilience of some kind that masked it all. About three years ago when my spiritual journey began, I discovered that it had, in fact, had an impact on me, but not in obvious ways. I assumed that being a prude, not trusting men, and getting turned off by physical intimacy were the only ways sexual trauma could affect a woman; yet I was wrong. As a child, those experiences had caused me to lose my voice and trained me to disregard my instincts and intuition. The ability to speak up for myself in moments that I felt uncomfortable had been silenced. The events of my sexual trauma had conditioned me to believe that what I wanted or felt didn?t matter. I wasn?t capable of speaking up when men disrespected me. I was fearful of making them feel uncomfortable, and instead, I?d bear those feelings. Because my trauma was not properly processed, I was playing out the victim role again and again until I
Published on May 17, 2017
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