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The Citadels Dutch Excursions + T he Sack Race


Letter from the Editor This is big, it’s 10,000 Other Sides hitting the streets. We’ve cultivated our little magazine into something pretty huge. It’s a little bit daunting, but it’s fun. None of us are getting paid yet, no sir, we sit on our ‘puters wiling away our nights coming up with ideas that we can and can’t publish. This month’s non publishable ideas included


10 ways to avoid knife crime in London A day out in Coventry The Joy of Spam and other tinned meats David Blunkett at the Olympics

We’re trying to keep everyone happy, we don’t like the free London papers, they are making people stupid – nobody reads on the tube anymore, nobody thinks anymore, we just get on the tube and stick our faces in Britney’s knickers, Prince Harry’s top trumps and find out who’s been eyeing up who on the Circle Line ‘You looked at me with those puppy dog eyes, see me after school... etcetera’

In other news the Standar’ published a typically bad taste headline last week -

John Leslie Rape Quiz

I was half tempted to treat myself to a five finger discounted ES and complete said quiz. I resisted temptation as I couldn’t lower myself to their level. Instead I went home and stuck together a typically exuberant Other Side, filled with decent stuff. New band ‘Citadels’ take you on a tour of their London, we head to Holland for the weekend (you should go and you can win tickets inside), Cardorowski get’s too big for his boots and there’s some proper good illustrations from our proper good illustrators. I hope you enjoy what we’ve done for you, we’re having fun, and we intend to keep it up. Let us know what you think we should be up to, what we are doing right and wrong, we like it when you do that. ed.x Put together analytically by Sam, Becca, Richmond, Vincent, Matt, Jamie, Josh, Nathan, Sara, Ed, Chiara, Dan A © The Other Side. No reprinting anything without the publishers permission.

3 Local Food Guide 4 Barbeque 6 Cardorowski 8 Tear It Up with The Citadels 10 Amsterdam 12 7 Stops 14 Archcomix 16 Old Street Roundabout 18 Matt Hollings 20 The Sack Race 22 Cannon Fodder 24 Nico Pico 2

A guide to sorting out your food.. Local Style

Tesco near me has just undergone surgery, it has doubled in size and I really can’t imagine what else they could fit in there, the meat is still rubbish, the bread tastes weird and the fruit goes rank after a day. We say; shop local and more often, you’ll spend less, create less waste and eat better. Everyone has a local butcher, greengrocer and bakers, here’s the pick of the bunch.

Freemans Organic Butchers 9 Topsfield Parade, Crouch End

Go here. Don’t mess about, these guys know meat and provide the people of Crouch End with top quality produce. Find out what’s fresh and tasty at the moment, they’ll be more than happy to help out and don’t be intimidated to ask questions.

Euphorium Bakery

Upper Street, Belsize Park, Chapel Market & South End Road Euphorium doesn’t just sell straight white baguettes. Here you can get crazy twisted breads, all kinds of rolls and sumptuous cakes. Best of all after 8pm you get buy one get one free on everything in store. Winner.

Moxon’s Fishmongers Nightingale Lane, Clapham, SW4 9DH Typically traditional fishmongers with a wide selection of reasonably priced high quality produce. Open Late and within close proximity of Clapham South tube station. South Londoners have never had it so good!

The Other Side now prints 10,000 copies a month & is handed out at tube stations across the Northern Line, & placed in bars, cafes, art galleries & Universities London wide. It’s a great way to reach young Londoners. To advertise with us please contact

Kosher Shops Golders Green Road Not renowned for decent food Israel also produces some terrible wines. However there are some good things to come out of the land of Milk and Honey and these include Bisli (crisps made from Pasta twirls), aubergine dip, peach nectar juice and a fair few other bits and pieces. All can be found along Golders Green Road in various shops or under one roof at Kosher Kingdom. Stop by one of the many falafel places for a quick bite on the way home too.

Borough Market for your fruit and veg (no questions) Go to Borough on a Friday and avoid the mass infiltration of people. Choose with care the best veg on offer. The prices vary from stand to stand and they often have different produce on offer. Don’t feel obliged to go organic, find the plumpest strawberries, the greenest asparagus and the crispiest looking lettuce. You’re in for a good foodie weekend and this is the place to start it.

Have we missed your favourite local store. Let us know where we should be buying out apples at


Part One — Barbeque Beef Burgers with Buffalo Mozzarella in Ciabatta. Get some quality minced beef (no messin decent

I’ve been reading a lot of N

food and his Observer colum from telling us about cookin neglect food in this mag. Peo you get home and make dinn page and distribute the recip

you know what the cow’s name was beef) and throw it in a bowl with salt, pepper and a finely chopped chilli. Mix and pat into burgers. When it’s time stick them on the grill and watch them char – throw on some halved ciabatta and place a slice of the mozzarella on top of the burger. Put them inside the ciabatta and pour on the home made

tomato salsa.

Feeling ambitious? Put the slice of mozzarella in the middle of the burger before you cook it!

Potato Salad Quarter and boil some new potatoes skin on until they are soft. Leave to cool. In a big bowl make the dressing, 1 part crème freche to 2 parts

mayonnaise. Add sea salt and pepper. Mix

it all together.

Feeling ambitious? Add some crispy pancetta / spring onion / dill / wholegrain mustard (not all at once though).


Corn on the Cob


Easy as this. Dice a cu and finely chop some Pour over some yoghu and put in the fridge

Get your lazy bones friend to supply these, you know the ones who will try and turn up with ready made burgers from the CO-OP. Nobody wants those!

Tomato Salsa Finely slice a red onion, a garlic and a chilli and throw into a hot olive oiled frying pan, add a spoonful of sugar and a dash of balsamic vinegar turning the heat right down until everything has caramelised. Add a tin of decent tomatoes or some skinned chopped fresh ones. Leave to cook until the salsa has reduced to a sumptuous red sauce.




b a 2 sk P to w

A BBQ is a great way to entertain the masses on the cheap. Here’s ten top notch recipes Want to see more recipes or got an idea for a dinner party? Visit www.theothersidemag

Nigel Slater recently, his book Toast is a wonderful recollection of his childhood growing up around mn always get my juices going. I love the simplicity of his books and the joy that he seems to get ng and what he cooks right down to a love for washing up. It also made me think that we often ople love to cook and eat, and if we can get your mouth watering pre 9am imagine the joy when ner. Over the next few issues we’ve created tear and share dinner parties. All you do is cut up the pes around your chums. We’ll start nice and easy...

Banana Split. Chorizo and Rocket Ciabatta

Just like the ones in Borough Market. Grill the chorizo, stick it inside the ciabatta with the rocket. Douse in semi decent olive oil. Done. ucumber e mint.

Remember your childhood Banana Splits from Marine Ices. Well if I remember rightly they are easy as ABC to make. Slice a banana and put two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top. Squirt over cream and then decorate with chocolate flakes, toasted almonds, hundreds and thousands and strawberry sauce.


to cool.


Smash up the mint, sugar and limes in the glass add crushed ice a shot of good rum and pour over some soda water. Squeeze a bit more lime juice and serve it up!

Tandoori Chicken Kebab

Mix some yoghurt,

curry paste, lemon uice, ginger, garlic and coriander in a bowl and add your diced chicken (thighs

re my fave) leave to marinade upto 24 hours. Stab the chicken onto some kewers and escape to the back yard. Place them on the barbie turning often o get an even cook. Serve in pita bread with fresh raita

s to cut out and float around your friends.

Vegi Burger Slice an aubergine nice and thick add it to a bowl with some portobello mushrooms and some haloumi. Pour over olive oil, crushed garlic, sea salt, pepper and some lemon juice. Leave for an hour or so. Put the aubergine on the grill and turn it occasionally, after ten minutes add the mushrooms and after a further five add the haloumi. Cook it all and get some nice criss cross action going. Build them into a tower inside your crispy bun and pour over some of the salsa. 5

A lament for the speed freaks AND the tight-trousered Cardorowski is back, as mad as hell and he’s not gonna take it any more Back in the day when poor folk still lived in cardboard boxes and licked road clean for two bob a week and I was keeping my lice ridden head down in the cream of the English Public School system avoiding buggery and worse in the years following the Summer of Love (when paedophilia was the predilection of Rock Gods); back when the lines were drawn more clearly than at present; back then, a somewhat loose tongued and over-eager teacher let slip the truth that the petty and puerile rules that we were so energetically trying to subvert, were merely a distraction from the really serious deviations that they didn’t even want us to encounter lest we might seriously transgress. Y’know the kinda rule: Hair length, the cut of yer jacket, tie width, the shape and hue of yer shoe. Fashion rules really. Didn’t work. The trail of drug addled rich kids dribbling from squats around the country into heavyweight, raucous demonstrations demanding (with futility it turned out) the end of the class system and its limiting status quo, ended, where all junkiedom always ends, the gutter and the morgue. Somehow they musta known that long hair and serious drug taking weren’t a very good rebellion, but it was a good two-fingered salute to those who


perpetuated the myth of respectability. And, they might well have had a better time of it than their straight-laced cousins who took the City shilling, bought the suburban domicile and settled for Valium and Viagra. A gutter and morgue all of its own, but with prettier curtains. The point here is; not much has changed. Except that the lines are less distinct and we have become more complicit in it. We can no longer delude ourselves that our Society is anything more than a generation of Obese Onanists receiving mediated prescriptions with barely open eyes, wanking before the Big Screen and gorging on obscene quantities of

fodder, organic or otherwise. We have allowed ourselves to slide, without resistance, into those terrible Sci-Fi movies of old where Troglodytes eat space food from plastic tubes and march like lemmings through the seven ages into the furnaces of Oblivion. All our delights along the way emblazoned with guarantees of unending joy, price reductions, bright smiles and tiny waists. And They LIE. All the time. It was brought to my attention recently that, because we cannot bear the hideous truth of our lost, formerly svelte, selves, clothing manufacturers have taken to lying about the girths of their pants, trousers, skirts, jackets etc by a couple of inches, few centimetres, maybe entire yards. The jeans you buy that say 34” are in fact 3 foot wide, and then some. Because they know that, if they told the truth, we’d be too distressed to visit the shops and wave goodbye to our youths, they came up with the stunning Master Plan of lying to us. And we BUY it. The lie, the trousers and the complicity. We want to be the tight, bright teenagers we probably never were and will listen to anyone who’ll perpetuate the myth. Anything rather than give up the dream. Who was it said that dreams are fine for those who are still asleep? Anything wrong with growing up, may I ask? At the same time I have become aware that no one is getting busted for driving at 90mph anymore. People sail past me, on any manner of road, hitting the ton and over and there’s never a flashing blue in pursuit. None of my mates, and let’s face it they like a bit of virtual rallying, has ever been done by the camera except for breaking a 30 in the ‘burbs. And so my suspicious mind starts to wonder; given the proliferation of Buzzards in the sky and their Pigeon serfs on streetlights, is it because we are actually travelling within the limits, but are being allowed the illusion of rebellion and recklessness? Have car makers colluded with the Law and rigged the speedoes? Are we so addled in our mobile sedan chairs that we have forgotten what speed feels like? Do we actually only want the sensation of breaking the law, in the same way that we like the idea that we can still squeeze into the pair of jeans that lies so sweetly? You could ask such questions about any number of consumer

goods and you’d probably have to come to the conclusion that the answers are shrouded in a fog of statistics, advertising and celebrity, camera angles, opaque lighting and the digital airbrush. And the conclusion to all this? All this conspiratorial, paranoid, jive-talking? What good does it do? Where’s it all heading? Am I suggesting home-made clothing, garden shed skunk and marathon speeding sessions on the M1? Wanton carbon emissions, allotment poppies and a wardrobe to make that fuckwit Clarkson proud? Well, allow me a few more seconds of your valuable peace before yer train stops and disgorges you at the place of your servitude. All of the above is only possible with our complicity: Our unquestioning acceptance of all that is given to us so readily and comfortably. If we stopped to think about the measurements of our clothes we might begin to realise that we don’t actually need more clothes. If we would ponder our need for the sensation of speed, p’raps we’d let the train take the strain. And so we must wonder why we don’t ask those questions. Why do we remain complicit in this rampant deceit? It seems to me that our complicity is borne out of dissatisfaction; with our surroundings, our colleagues, our standards and our selves. Of these the one that we can most readily take a measure of control over is the self. If we take a long hard look at ourselves and remember all that we have been through; the grief and pain, the miseries and joys, failures and successes, the wounds and scars without blinking, we might realise that we aren’t half bad. And that that much goodness is worth nurturing, fostering and sharing. As we do that we might find that our observations on our environment, friends and families are transformed and we don’t need to be that person that squeezes ourself, berates ourself, deceives ourself anymore. A song I never much liked has hoved into my mind, so I’ll steal the melody and change the meaning ‘if you can’t be the thing you love, love the thing you is’. It is, in the end, the best revenge and our only hope.

get your Cardorowski fix at www.


Stef, Lucy, Doug, Jim and Chris sit jovially around a big wooden table in St Johns, Archway eagerly awaiting the summer that was supposed to reach us two months ago, not to mention me. Formed after a jam session in Finchley Central the band are keen to get talking, They are excited about the next few months and where they will be, come the end of the year. They’ve been writing and performing together for a little over a year and have already performed at an impressive string of venues, most recently BE at Proud Galleries. Their four track EP animals is being championed by the likes of Steve Lamacq and Tom Robinson of BBC 6 Music. The band are on tour with Little Death in October following a month in the studio in September to record a new EP. Citadels have yet to be ascribed to one particular genre or scene in today’s musical climate, describing their approach to writing as being “pre-emptive”. With a live set frothing at the mouth with energy and rabid enthusiasm, they take pride in winning over a new audience with each and every show in their on going carnival of performance. Fresh from supporting Architecture in Helsinki these starlings are set to make quite an impression in 2008. Upcoming Dates 31st July – Hertford marquee w/Telegraphs 2nd August – metro (Oxford St) w/Telegraphs


Day Tripper ‘Got a good reason for taking the easy way out’ Citadels do and they’re taking you with them for one day only. Here’s your handy guide to a toasty summer day in London town (we even let them stray a little bit east) UP until noon…lie-in – It’s not really London specific, but let’s face it – almost all the best days start this way and we’re not going to start arguing. It worked for Descartes, it can work for you.

Noon…Brunch at Bar Music Hall, Curtain Road When the debauchery of Friday night has faded away and the brightly coloured ‘ditch kids have sunk back to the bed-sits this delightful space is perfect for a sunlit breakfast. Good food, good coffee, good tunes…beware the toilets though; it’s a Lynchian experience… 1400…paddle your cares away at London Fields Lido. Let that brunch settle and then wander to The Capital’s only outdoor heated Olympic sized swimming pool for a couple o’ lengths. No petting though kids… 1500…dry off in the sun on London Fields It’s hot, it’s sunny – and why not? 1600…Broadway Market Recently recovered to its thriving traditional state, this is a great place to spend an afternoon art, ceramics, clothes, furniture, lighting, records, and enough local produce to make a success of the worst Ramsey’s nightmare. With all that exercise you’ll be hungry and we recommend the hog roast baguette…it’s all kinds of good. 1700…Regent’s Canal At the bottom of Broadway Market is Regent’s Canal. There are about 40 miles of canal towpaths in London waiting to be discovered. They are a great alternative perspective on London geography and you’ll be amazed at how much you can see. The canals used to be the veins and arteries of the city and access is still great. You can get all the way to Little Venice but for our journey today we’re only going to go as far as St Pancras lock… 1800…Doom Bar at Smithy’s Branded as the best-kept secret in King’s Cross, this quaint little eatery is tucked away behind Gray’s Inn Road. “Now refurbished with dark wooden tables, intimate alcoves and some seats cushioned with authentic Victorian tapestry, and with the long bar’s subdued lighting, they recreate an atmosphere of eating out in the gaslit

days of more than a century ago.” It’s also the only place we know in London that serves Doom Bar, the Cornwall ale that breeds legends. 1900…Into central for a theatrical treat Gone are the halcyon days of music halls and opium dens, but we still have the boards. If you’re quick you can still get tickets for That Face at the Duke of York theatre – an explosive piece of drama from precocious playwright Polly Stenham. The theatre isn’t dead, you heard it here first. 2100…Food should be fun Citadels dig seafood. Not only is it light enough to carry around with you for the duration of your liver defiling funtime but a nice shellfish platter is hard work, and thereby very rewarding. Try Loch Fyne just off Russell Street. 2300…Sardine Soul Hanway St (just off Oxford St) is teeming with nook and cranny bars but we’ve had many good nights down at The Bar…the place is tiny, and often gets really rammed. For some reason this isn’t as much of a problem as it is in other bars and clubs. Possibly because it’s so small it’s more like a house party of the good variety or maybe it’s got something to do with Wray and Nephew rum…plenty of lime and vintage soul – you can’t go wrong. 0100…Haggerston (formerly Uncle Sam’s) This little place on Kingsland Road in De Beauvoir Town is a great space to end your night in. Late night jazz and blues and a delicious Weissbier is sometimes so much better than a greasy beat pit…try it! FIN…Passing Clouds Situated behind the Haggerston is a huge art space called Passing Clouds. We won’t spoil it for you but when there’s a something going on, there’s something going on… Time for bed… Find more new music and hear Citadels tracks at


The Dam Busters

An Other Side Guide to Amsterdam, with a bit of Utrecht thrown in for good measure

Amsterdam, home of pot heads, prostitutes and pancakes. Well that’s not entirely true, there’s this great misconception that Amsterdam is a seedy place. In fact it’s one of the most laid back picturesque cities you are likely to encounter in western Europe. It’s built around canals which means you are always guaranteed a nice drink overlooking some guys on a barge, or ducks quietly passing by. We say follow our quick guide, stay away from the flashing lights and everything will be just perfect. Getting there – It’s only 200 miles away. If you go by plane you land just after take off, it’s a bit bizarre. Trains add a touch of romance, but go in a car and you get the joy of going by ferry and ferries are the most fun way to travel, not only is there a casino, a café and a duty free shop, you can sit and have the wind in your hair for a few peaceful hours. Travel – Get a bike. It truly is the only way to experience the Dam. You can hire bikes from about 10 euros per day and be wizzing from A to B to C and right across to H in no time at all. I suggest one with a basket at the front. The girlier the better.


Sleeping – If you do intend to sleep then the place is teeming with half decent youth hostels. Try the StayOK for a nice relaxed atmosphere or the Flying Pig for the parties. If you are feeling frivolous with your cash try the Park Hotel on Stadhouderskade where they combine weird unintentional retro foyer with super modern living spaces, they also serve the finest chips anywhere I’ve ever been. Culture – Amsterdam is full of it and it’s always good to tell your mum that you’ve been to the Anne Frank Museum, so start your day there, next head for the Van Go(gh) museum where there are 200 paintings and 500 drawings, that’s a lot of the Gogh but it’s worth it. You should be pretty tired after the culture overload so make yourself popular and suggest a visit to Blender, Van der Palmkade 16, it’s a bit of a trek (not on a bike) but worth it for fine cocktails and decent food. Feeling Frisky – Jump on a pedalo and get lost in the canals. Make sure you take some provisions though.

Get Away for the day. Saturday 30 August

Sick of camping in the rain and being surrounded by people shouting bollocks throughout the night? Are you tired of drinking pissy watered down Carling or Fosters and having to pay £4 for the pleasure? Well there is an answer. Sneak out of the country for a weekend. It takes less time to get to Utrect from London than it does to Glastonbury & let me tell you it’s a whole different picture.

On the outskirts of Utrecht lies a small, green haven. Here, a large group of people escape yearly from the daily pressure and hectic times for one day. In addition to musical discovery, festival deBeschaving offers you theatre, dance, literature, comedy and more! Bands include Mystery Jets, I am Kloot, The Cribs plus loads more. Drinking in Amsterdam is easy to do, you sit down at a bar and you drink, tables are usually waited upon. Beers come in at about 2 euros, but bear in mind they are smaller than over here, however, they are certainly nicer. If you wander the canals you can find an abundance of decent places to sit and relax with a Heineken. For something authentic and rather splendid try Café Krom (Utrechtsestraat 76) A beautiful bar with juke box an’ all. It seems that the place to be at the moment is Club 11 (Oosterdokkade 3-5). There are few better places to gaze out over the city than the 11th floor of a converted post office. Massive screens hang down from the walls with a constant flow of music video and animations. The views are panoramic and the drinks beautifully concocted. If you fancy something different head over to Odessa (Veemkade 259) a 70s Russian merchant ship now converted into a bar, nightclub and restaurant. The ship has four floors with a restaurant, a café, a bar and a sundeck. After 10pm the lower deck is cleared of tables and parties break out. Open til 3am Fri and Sat.

TICKETS ARE A BARGAIN 47euros (that’s just over 35 quid) and with flights starting as little as £27 there should be no excuses. We’ve teamed up with Eurolines ( - the leading European coach service operator to offer return tickets for you and a friend to Utrecht or Amsterdam. Plus we’ve also got a pair of tickets to the festival to throw into the prize too! Enter now by leaving a post on the bulletin board at www. festival

For more Dutch nonsense visit



I Scream Sunda


The Macbeth, 70 hoxton St



Roll out of bed and escape to the M opposite a nice inner city estate blo find a roof terraced bbq and some r tasty DJ’s you may even be lucky en to catch a live band. Sundays have n been better


Sunday 27th July


Free Before 8pm


East Finchley


Highgate Brent Cross

Tufnell Park

Chalk Hampstead Farm

Golders Green

Belsize Park

Camden Town


Mornington Crescent

A Midsummer night’s Dream re-imagined for a young audience. The open air theatre in Regents park plays host to more than it’s fair share of Shakespeare. The pick of the bunch is the Bard’s tale of fairies messing about with love and a silly play within a play redone for the child inside you (or the kids). As you well know alls well that end well and this is no exception. Also see Romeo and Juliet and Twelth Night REGENTS pARK July 8 – August 2


Old Street

Kings Cross

Kentish Town

Angel Warren Street

Moorg Tottenham Court Road Goodge Street


Susan c

Ever lost your jo sanity and blamed else? Scottish Ba Susan Calman pr debut solo and as face your flaws a a (Cal)man.

Hen and Chickens, H Saturday 19th July £6

Beardyman + nathan ‘Flutebox’ Lee + Luke wright + plaster of paris



Macbeth ock to rather nough never

Beatboxing always gets me thinking, Flutebox takes his name from being able to play the flute whilst beatboxing. Hence flutebox (see what he did there) Brighton’s Beardyman has no beard, but he is a man.

Appearing rooms Jeppe hein’s

93 Feet East, 22nd July


fountain returns


London Bridge

Charing Cross

eicester Square


ob, lover or d someone aFTa winner reviews her sks you to and take it like

Highbury Corner 6

for the third year.






Stockwell Oval


water shoots Clapham Common

up creating

Clapham North


changing rooms. wits you must

keep otherwise

performance by Thomas Adès in Frank Gehry’s Serpentine Gallery pavilion

Britain’s foremost composer Thomas Adès will perform at the launch of the Gallery’s annual summer events programme Park Nights A dazzling pianist and conductor of international renown, Adès will combine his own music with that of, amongst others the renowned American composer Conlon Nancarrow, best-known for his compositions for the Player Piano or selfplaying piano, which is able to produce extremely complex rhythm patterns at a speed beyond the ability of humans. Saturday 19 July, 8pm Embankment & change for South Ken

soaked you will be (thanks yoda),


If you would like to advertise something in 7stops then please contact us at :


We’ve got a pair of tickets for

Standon Calling!!!

featuring the Mystery Jets & Super Furry Animals. To win the tickets visit, Join us and leave a message on the board. Easy as that!

Now enjoy this cartoon by Dan Archer.



t 12.00 doors open a

Exit 7 sat. 30 aug 2008

Festivalparc Vredenburg Leidsche Rijn - Utrecht




©2008 kochxbosstudio


Buy your tickets at Tickets: 47 EUR Only 20 minutes away from Amsterdam





... and now for

something completely


Questions and answers When did you know you wanted to be an illustrator?

Drawing's an activity that I've always practiced so I guess illustration was a natural progression. There was no conscious decision really... I'm happy to be doing something that's creative.

Where do you get your inspiration from?

I read quite a lot so much inspiration is drawn from books. I’m interested in people and their behaviours. Much of my work tends to be figurative.

What artists do you admire?

I think Julie Mehretu's artwork is amazing. Jose Parla's too. Otherwise, the usual suspects... David Hockney, Peter Blake, Ed Ruscha.

What advice do you have for any aspiring illustrators?

Learn to promote yourself. Be confident in your work. Try to find you're own visual language.

Want your work featured in the other side? Send us your stuff

To see more of Matt's work visit

Matt Mclean rifles through his pockets for some meaning in his life


s anyone who has ever attempted to smuggle a weapon into prison will tell you, the human body is remarkably low on adequate storage space. It is beyond us to carry more than four bags of shopping about our person without stopping every two minutes to examine the deep red furrows that have been branded across our palms by the taut plastic, and although the body contains many natural crevices and alcoves, many of these are only capable of housing a small quantity of fluff without severe discomfort. I am talking specifically of the belly button here, which seems to me perfectly placed to function as a small purse or document holder, and yet it will struggle to house more than a five-pence piece without giving up the ghost, even less if you have an ‘outie’. In order to rectify this chronic lack of available carry space for the many tools and appendages that we have become accustomed to, Man invented the pocket, and many years later Alanis Morisette would put one hand in hers, and use the other to generate a three-minute nugget of pop irritation. The crimes of the pocket do not


end there. The pocket is such an egalitarian device; it will not prioritise or give preference to any item that has been entrapped in its cottony lair. To the pocket, the £50 note is the equal of the snotty tissue, the gig ticket is the same as the shop receipt. Meaning that the chances of you removing the thing you need from your pocket, as opposed to the instruction booklet from a packet of condoms, is an exercise in sheer probability. I find myself constantly apologising for my pockets, if I am asked for the correct change while paying for something, and I have not planned ahead and removed the money in anticipation of the transaction taking place, I am forced to do an impromptu trawl through my trousers, blindly grasping at the contents of my pockets and muttering sorrys as the queue builds up. Now, I am willing to accept that I may be partly to blame here; I have no pocket discipline. Any item removed from

words a wallet or pocket could conceivably go Both of these carry with them a weight of back into another pocket selected on a awkwardness and unintended snootyness, whim, with no thought for when I might so I simply continued into the shop, acting as next need to find said item. This fly-by-night though I hadn’t noticed, the sound of coins attitude to compartmentalising my slacks hitting the gravel forecourt still ringing in my reached a head recently and resulted in me ears. But then, I think to myself, why does causing offence to a homeless person. While this homeless man care? He has his £1.35, entering the convenience store section of surely he is not a stickler for the heirs and a petrol station, with an appetite of pastrygraces that we in employed society hold so based goods, my mobile phone went off. dear, he probably just shoved the money into Unlike the domestic dog, my ears lack his pocket as soon as my back was turned the sensitivity to pin-point exactly and didn’t bat an eyelid a the potential where the ringing was coming from, offence caused. however, once the phone was located I, unlike the dog, was able to answer Here I am dwelling and deliberating on the call using my opposable thumb whether I am a bad person, and paying for and fore-finger. Canine pointa mushroom slice on a debit card. Well, scoring aside, this tyranny of politeness must END. I am the point going to go back is that it out there and say, I am willing to took some ‘Look, I dropped accept that I may some money on degree of rummaging to be partly to blame the floor here and locate the phone I would like it back, here; I have no and remove it from and I know you’re my tightly packed having a tough time pocket discipline pockets. During of it but I worked this process I disturbed receipts, chocolate for that money and wrappers and a £1.35 in coins, which fell it is not yours to keep simply because you directly at the feet of the homeless man sat are starving and destitute, that is not how it on the floor outside the petrol station. works, OK?’ So I leave the petrol station and I walk It is at this point that I reached a up the homeless man and I know that I am crossroads, a moral fork in the road. My going to sound cruel but it doesn’t matter options going forward appeared to be twonow because I am taking a stand, and as I fold: Bend down and pick the money up, approach he holds out his hand and says: returning it to the pocket and giving the ‘Here, you dropped some money mate”, and young fellow of no-fixed-abode a polite nod without even flinching for one second, I say to neutralise any bad feeling; or ‘Hey, Keep it’.  Act as though this was a genuine donation, and risk I must remember to start putting my him thinking that I consider change in my wallet.  him of such low worth that I would toss coins mockingly at his feet and Want to read more off kilter watch him scrabble in the dirt musings? Visit for them while I gloat and glower in his shabby little face.


Cannon fodder The Other Side’s Off Side

With the European champions done and dusted we can finally get back to some football we care about. But which top flight managers are already in the firing line before a ball has been kicked?


desks come May, and who will be knocking on s memories of Spanish flair, the door of their local Jobcentre Plus? One group Turkish delights and Teutonic of people knows all the answers, but since we misery fade into the mists of time don’t know the phone numbers of any Premier (hopefully along with that bloody League chairmen we turned to the next best White Stripes song), it’s time for thing, the bookies, and asked odds compilers at the Other Side’s Off Side to turn Ladbrokes and Paddy Power to tell us who’s rock our attention back to the Credit solid and who’s bricking it. Card Premier League. It’s just a month until the new season begins, with players Curb your enthusiasm and managers alike back at work on the training First up it’s the favourites for the chop and if your ground earning their crust (well, more like a name is Alan, you work in east London, and your freshly baked loaf) and preparing for the year hobby is buying overpriced players whose limbs ahead.  In among all the regular (and irregular) transfer are made of paper then you’d be well advised to buy a nice bottle of wine for your chairman... speculation, one question sticks out like a WAG maybe even offer to do his housework for the in a library: of the 20 managers who start the next year or so. season, how many will be left at the end? Last Both Paddy Power (4/1) and Laddies (6/1) make season there were no fewer than 11 managerial Curbishley the favourite departures (not including to get the dreaded vote Psycho, whose fist who will be of confidence. Following pumps failed to impress Thaksin before a ball had knocking on the closely on Curb’s heels comes Geordie messiah even been kicked), an door of their Kevin Keegan, fresh from incredible 55% turnover; good news for the people local Jobcentre finally stringing a few wins at the back who make name plates Plus come may? together end of last season. With for office doors, bad Dennis Wise failing to news for the League Managers Association. respect KK’s authoritah and his odds as short as There were some big shocks (Jose exiting 5/1 with Paddy Power, could the second coming stage left, omelettes and all), some painfully be a false dawn? Then there’s Gary Megson, slow deaths (Martin Jol, whose name we include a man who has overseen 194 victories in his here so we can make a childish reference to his professional managerial career (er, and 193 brothers Cock and Dick, which we haven’t been able to do for a while…titter), and some entirely losses…). After offloading an overpriced Le Grand unsurprising recipients of their P45s (Chris Sulk to Chelski, Bolton stuttered over the Hutchings anyone?). line last season, and while Elmander could be So what does 2008/09 have in store? Who will still be sitting comfortably behind their shiny a hit Megson wasn’t exactly cheered from the


Reebok’s rafters when he was appointed. He’s available at 6/1 with both bookies. What goes up... What of the newcomers to the Premier League party? Last year, promoted Derby and Brum both ended the campaign with a different manager at the helm. If the Tonys (Pulis and Mowbray) and Phil Brown can avoid the weight of unnecessary expectation after leading their teams to the Promised Land™, their jobs may just be safe. All three are hovering near the top of the list at 10/1 – perhaps a reflection of how unrealistic some chairmen can be. Safe as houses While there’s no such thing as a sure thing, it still seems a foolish thing to throw your money in the direction of those whose jobs look safer than a triple thick Trojan Magnum, and there’s more chance of Hull winning the Champions League than Messrs Ferguson, Wenger and O’Neill getting the boot this season. One day Ramos might get the sack, but the odds suggest this day won’t come soon, and the same goes for Medium Phil and David Moyes. Who to back for the sack (for the craic...) So is it worth having a flutter on any of the 20? Whose seat is just a little too hot? Who’s a little too big for their boots? Which football article has just become a little too Anne Robinson...? Based on the odds from our two bookies, we’ve gone for Rafa the Gaffer and Gareth “Why didn’t you just blast it son?” Southgate. Rafa might seem a surprising choice – sacking him might leave Gillet and Hicks with

more than just their hubcaps nicked – but can he really withstand another season of rotating his way to fourth place? He may even jump before he’s pushed, with the constant bickering over which of the co-owners has the biggest ranch getting too much for him to bear. At 25/1 with Paddy Power it’s certainly a long shot but you can get him at a decent-looking 14/1 with Ladbrokes. For slightly shorter odds, plump for Southgate with either bookie at 12/1. Perennial underachievers with a seeming lack of activity in the transfer market, ‘Boro could struggle again this season, especially if Downing leaves. If Alves or Tuncay fail to hit the target then our Gareth is relying on a strike force consisting of Jeremie Aliadiadiadiadiere and Mido (when Simple Simon met a Pieman...) and Steve Gibson’s patience may be tested to the limit. * All odds quoted are for the next Premier League manager to leave their current position and were correct at the time of writing, promise

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the other side issue 30  

right on your doorstep

the other side issue 30  

right on your doorstep