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inside this week; Dimitri Swank Shakespeare Glasto Wicker Man win your width in magazines!

Thursday 28th June 07

Letter from the Editor.


I’m back in London. I left Marrekesh’s raging heat (40ºC) for the how can I put this…grey, is that too obvious…wet…cold…drab… er…did I say hailing London. I’ve been back three days and already


I want to go away again! It’s minus degrees and pissing it down. It certainly doesn’t look like perking up any time soon. So what can we do? Well; I have decided to embrace this so called summer with

High Balls and Low Dicks!

open arms. Sitting outside a Kensington Creperie with a woolly hat and hood up; imagining sunshine. Pah! More likely that someone will start funding us and tube prices will fall below a pound. On the

The Lonely People

embracement, I’m talking serious embracement, don’t worry that it’s JUNE…pretend it’ mid November and have a dinner party, lots of red wine and a big stew for a bunch of friends….sit on the couch with a DVD and here is a promise, this is the best thing that I have

Bin Gone Too Long

done in ages. Make your own POPCORN. It’s bloody exciting… POP, POP, POP and tasty too. Try melting some butter and honey in the pan first…Genius.

7 Stops

Really all I’m trying to say is take a week off desiring sunshine, it will come in time. Whilst it’s not here enjoy the things that you can do, we have the pick of the best indoor things to do this week including what films we are loving at the moment and if the weather

Big Muthas House

is really getting on your nerves then get on your bike and move to Salt Lake City or something. We all complain when it’s too hot anyway!

All the P's!

ed. x Northern on the Northern Line

Paola Put together by Sam Lassman Watts and Peter Quinn Printed on recycled paper by recycled people. Please make sure you pass on or recycle, Yeah!

Handed out by Pretty Boys

Using code a=1, A=2, b=3, B=4, etc., the letters of ‘PRESIDENT ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER’ = 666

High Balls and Low Dicks! BY CARDOROWSKI gripping, challenging, provocative

“Where have all the Private

“Alcohol kills that which is living and

Bolstered by the quote:

and noble novels (not to mention

Investigators gone?”

preserves that which is dead” I was

Nobel). Coetzee contends with all

about to sally forth into yet another

our notions and patterns of living,

bookstores, cinemas and the TV

diatribe concerning the perils of

thinking and reading with a desert

were filled with Dicks, most of ‘em

addiction and the ad-world (that

dry-lack of sentimentality that is at

Yanks to be sure, but still; one

can only sell to us that which we do

once both invigorating and uplifting

man against the world, saving the

not already know we need) when,

and also shamefully demanding

hapless from injustice by sleuth, by


of concentration and endurance.

brains or by luck, spitting in the face

saved. Shazzam 1: the distractions

HOWEVER, there I was wandering

of adversity and authority through

of books and all that they offer. But

the www, having completed a

broken teeth and week old stubble.

mostly, truth be told by Shazzam 2:

meddlesome task in half the time,

And the job always got done with

the knowledge that all my profound

when I came across this geezer

style, wit and courage. Now whadda

High Horse argumentation would

who has written all kindsa post-post

we got? Cops all over the place.

not withstand the soon-to-be

novels, including one called “This

The Ol’ Bill. And most of them’re

incontrovertible truth of my rather

is not a Novel” (some might reckon

Yanks too! CSNYPDMiami shoot ‘em

Low behaviour! I am about to step

it a list of lists), and then a coupla

up! The whole style now is graded

out into the Inaugural Other Side

pulp novels that he chucked out to

plastic, the wit devoid of irony or

Bash where I am reliably informed

make the cash. So naturally I leapt

meaning, the courage telegraphed

the booze runs free and I know my

onto ‘The River of Objects to Buy’

and loudly applauded. Whatever

will is not strong enough to rest at

and hey presto I was delivered of a

happened to just knowing you’re

the juice bar. For me to rail against

two-for-one offer of Pulp, overnight


imbibication would be akin to the

and bearing a “come-hither-look”.

Buzzard tellin’ the Squirrel he’s a

I plunged straight in. Hours later I

Cops??? I know a few, good blokes

shifty bugger.

came up for air, I’d been in NYC in

one and all, but the stuff of fiction?

1956 chasing hoods and punks and

I don’t think so. Always seemed

present caught between the high

girls that’ll break your heart as soon

to me that Morse was just a Dick

and the low and know instinctively

as look at ya! And I got to thinking

without Balls. If he could do all that

where my bread will be buttered.

“Where has all the romance gone?

he promised and was really sooo

On the one hand I have become

Where a man can get his heart broke

irritated by authority he shoulda cut

somewhat devoted to Mr JM

and not care because the love was

loose and ploughed his own furrow.

Coetzee, and one of his creations

worth it?” “Why is it no longer cool

But Nooooo, he probably needed

in particular, Ms Elizabeth Costello.

to be tired of livin’, but always game

the health plan and the pension.

She’s a tough Old Bird and they’re

for a risk?” But more importantly,

Couldn’t really walk without the

So, to books. I am at

Used to be that

But really, I mean,

Zimmer of the Constabulary! When

much and delivers nothing! If

enough muscle to locate let alone

did we suddenly get so Institutional?

you really want the good stuff it

exercise these days when we’re all

Did we cede all our power to the

professes to offer so readily, you

rubber-necking so fast for the latest

Squizzard in our sleep? Join the

have to hunt like a starved Beagle,

this’n’that, but the alternative is

Empire and forsake the Force?

avoid taste-enhanced bones

that we all bathe and drown in shite

When did we give up the Pub-band

strewn in your path and hold your

thinking that we’re munching caviar

for Pop-Idol, the local disco for

nerve when the grail you seek is

and peeled grapes. If we keep

Strictly Come Twirling? The thought

‘temporarily out of stock’. And what

watching and buying only the bollox

of it is enough to send me swooning

are ya besieged by on the way? Is

on offer then that is all we’re gonna

into the arms of Costello/ Coetzee

there a modern mainstream DVD

be offered, over and over again. If

and the argument that likens meat

that bears any but the first viewing?

we’re too tired to ever look behind

eating to the holocaust. Except that

Doubt it. Anything delivered by a

the over-stretched skin that proffers

“Epitaph for a Tramp” sits winking at

Rapper that could touch the hem

the blandishments for sale then

me and hitching up it’s skirt.

of Marley’s garment? Not even his

we will become under-nourished

bling thrown from 10 paces would

AND obese, easily-sated AND

friend, is that Pulp Fiction is just one

have the temerity. Can you really

forever hungry. Those who fall for

of many delicious steps between

enjoy football on Sky? No. Anything

everything because we never stood

the profundity of Coetzee and the

on ITV? I don’t think so. And I know

for anything.

banality of our present Culture. A

that those few who’re still interested

step, I hasten to add, I often take

might deplore my choices but… My

my beloved PI’s and indeed most

towards a culture that promises

call is for DISCERNMENT, a hard

of them that adorned my wall

And the sad truth my

And yes, I know that

were profound booze-hounds and notorious addicts, but surely there’s a road we can travel that lies on a plane distinct from inebriation and mindless conformity. Where we travel giving and receiving encouragement from fellow travellers rather than sneering at contestants on BB and slavishly following the goingson of Pete and Kate. There’re too many easy laughs today at the expense of those who tried and maybe failed and equally numerous sneering saddoes who’ve never had a go. And so I leave you with another quote, this from Springfield’s own Homer ; “Taking stupid risks is what makes life worth living.” And if that means a drink too much before walking home, waking up with yer hair in a pool of vomit and crashing the the Bank Account then SO BE IT. Illustration by Jamie Jackson


THE LONElY PEOplE As I mindlessly queued in

– face. However, as time’s gone

say this girl was weird it doesn’t

Mango on Oxford Street (waiting

on I have begun to feel an ever

even begin to touch the surface.

to return a dire mistake of

increasing need to avoid her.

As the drinks flowed and the

a desperate ‘I have nothing

Now I know this sounds cruel,

tunes pumped her irrelevant

to wear on Saturday night’

and it probably is, but what is

questions surfaced with an

purchase) I was suddenly

truly odd is that I am not the

annoying regularity.

accosted by an unexpected,

only one. This girl regularly (as

and totally unsolicited question

in every day) eats lunch alone.

In this sprawling metropolis

from behind; “Where’s Primark

Now, I have to admit that even

of ours it is sometimes hard to

on Oxford Street?” A simple

my lukewarm heart twitches

think that anyone is ever lonely,

enough question you might

as this sight, however, like the

but after much consideration

say, and indeed not totally

250 or so other people in the

it seems to me that loneliness

irrelevant as I was holding a

building, not quite enough to

is both the cause and effect of

humungous bag from said

want to spend my precious

these individuals unnerving

store. However the delivery

lunch hour answering her

style of communication. So

was like a sharp blow to the

banal questions in-between

what is the cure for these

back of the head. Furthermore,


unfortunate fellows – cast

to my horror it seemed that my

onto the outskirts of society

precise and curtly delivered

I met my final case at a party

by those of use capable of

answer of “Marble arch” was

when the host, a friend (or at

forming sentences that don’t

not satisfactory! Five intensely

least he was!) introduced me

end in question marks? Well my

delivered questions later I made

to a girl he had just recently

suggestion would be to channel

my excuses and ran like hell!

met (in the most peculiar of

their talents for the good of

situations – trust me). Now, in

the people. In an age where so

Recently I have met a number of

retrospect the circumstances

many of us feel so politically

women with a manner of social

surrounding their first meeting

impotent and excluded from

interaction akin to Paxman on

should have been a warning,

the making of decisions that

a cocktail of prescription drugs

but being male he obviously

so directly affect our everyday

and Bacardi Breezers! For these

didn’t see it! Anyway, said girl

lives it seems to me that these

women a conversation is not a

arrived at the party of a man she

women, with their shotgun

two way dialogue but a barrage

had only briefly met once, just

delivery are just what we need.

of bizarre and often totally

days before, alone. Confident,

First off I think we should set

random questions that leave

independent lady I hear you

them on Ken Livingstone and

the subject (in these cases, me)

cry; but then you haven’t met

finally get to the bottom of why

feeling like they have just spent

her! Like a leech on an open

we can’t have air conditioning on

a week in Guantanamo bay!

wound this girl attached herself

the underground!

to my carefully chosen clique There’s a girl at work, and I have

and clung on draining every

to say at first I didn’t notice it. I

ounce of our patience, good

was new and she was simply a

spirit and generous natures for

friendly - if not slightly eager

the following 3 hours! When I

Sam Lassman Watts

Where have all the bins gone?

I have the same feeling about the

are more people in London capable

There isn’t a bin! I’m waiting for a

bins as I do the London Lite and the

of cleaning a platform than there are

friend at Cambridge Station and

London Paper. It’s Ken’s grand idea

those who can diffuse a bomb? So

there isn’t a bloody bin to throw my

to create jobs. Imagine the amount

there’s my answer…in a round about,

plastic spoon in! Add this to the

of employment created by a daily

dishevelled kind of way. I still don’t

fact that I’m an hour early…yes one

paper. Writers, designers, printers,

like throwing rubbish on the floor.

hour. There was a perfect weekend

not to mention the cleaners and

Perhaps if we are against bins we

service on the Northern Line and

rubbish collectors. Get rid of the

should have rubbish spaces so that

my bus came immediately. Anyway

bins and you need them cleaners

at least I won’t feel bad when I leave

it’s not just a bin that’s missing it’s

again and I’m guessing that there

my plastic spoon on a station bench.

also a café near the station. I have to settle for the extortionately priced AMT coffee for my double espresso. (May I take this opportunity to recommend Café Noir just outside Highgate Station 90p for a good quality espresso always served with a smile!) Anyway - the bins. I guess that back in the day there was a fear that someone might throw a stick of dynamite in a bin, but now surely the terrorists are a little more sophisticated. We’ve all seen Spooks, so firstly worry not about that giant bag as there is a handsome six-packed Adam running through the station to stop it going off using hypo-allergenic magnetism. Meanwhile whilst we are worrying about the bloody TNT there is a serious rubbish problem blowing all out of proportion from Cambridge to Charing Cross and there is nothing we can do about it. It’s a difficult decision to make bins or bombs… well not that difficult…however I did come to a conclusion. I guess


Brer Rabbit Visits Africa

This is my favourite place in London when I have a hangover. Big, big Jamaican infused fry ups, with plantain, ackee, saltfish, huge sausages and more. Awesome smoothies and cocktails. Lots of teas and coffees and hot choc and much, much more, go at night and they give you popcorn! Crouch End Broadway...take the 91 from Archway

about £15 a head

East Finchley


Highgate Brent Cross

Camden Town

Chalk Hampstead Farm

Golders Green

Belsize Park

Have a Crepe


Mornington Crescent

Treat yourself. Go to the Hampstead if they need a plug! The small hut on the High Street always has a gigantic queue. Anything with chocolate is good...especialy banana! Then carry on the indulgence and watch a film at the everyman...If you are feeling a bit poorer then wander down to the Screen on the Hill in Belsize Park.

30 ten foo be on disp creating a The Kaiser a hell of a

Old Street

Kings Cross

Kentish Town

Tufnell Park


For ages 4 and upwards. Gren Middleton’s expressive puppets perform a story about the ol rabbit returning to his native Africa. It’s on the Puppet Theatre Barge in Little Venice so I suggest getting on the barge at Camden. It takes about 45 minutes to get there and is an extremely pleasant trip. The barge leaves the Lock at regular intervals. o hurry e 30th s Theatre £8.50 ends Jun

Angel Warren Street

Moorga Tottenham Court Road Goodge Street


Pride 2007

I guess that this’ll b George Michael tash about dr gay in the village”... get a bit drunk, hav you enjoy yourself! Starts at Baker Stre way through the we

Saturday 3

The best things going on in and around the Northern line both sides of the River

7 Stops

n Guitar Town


ot specially designed Gibson Guitars will play at More London by City Hall kind of Guitar Town. With designs by Paul Weller r Chiefs, Razorlight et al this is gonna be lot of fun! from June 28th




After Tim’s epic battle against C Moya the whole country is behind him now. Get out your flags, watermelons, hats, strawberries, cream, Pimms, juice, Diet Coke, BBQ’s, Umbrella’s etc and find yourself a space on Henman Hill for what may prove to be his last Wimbledon. Patriotism to the end!! Wimbledon or BBC TV


London Bridge

Charing Cross

cester Square


Clapham Common Clapham North


Waterloo Embankment

be quite an event. Get your h out...that Lily Savage ressing up as “the only .who cares!! Go along ve a giggle and make sure

eet at 1pm and makes it’s est end.

30th June



The southbank is always great fun. There is always something happening. Friday is no exception. There is a captivating performance with 100 people involved throughout the Royal Festival Hall Foyer then the Jive Aces lay down infectious rhythms and beats to make even the most inadequate person dance...and guess what it’s all free. From 5.30

Friday 29th June If you would like to advertise something in 7 stops then please contact us at

Save our Tele!

W Davina, You have been evicted. If the rumours are true this will be the last ever watchable Big Brother. Endemol are working day and night to come up with new ideas to infiltrate our minds and scald any type of brain power we have left after 36 summers spent listening and watching people like Jade Goody run around naked screaming. So here at The Other Side we have racked what is left of our brains and come up with the ingenius bling that is Big Mutha. Sit back and let the mind wander as Jonboy Junior takes us through the show



12 MC’s spend 10 weeks in a remote house with a pair of technic 12 10’s to decide who is the most gangster rapper in this ‘keeping it reality’ tv show. As there will obviously be some bad boys the 12 rappers will have electronic tags which will give out severe electric shocks to any ‘mutha’ who steps out of line. Housemates will perform tasks to compete for bitches, cash money, fake Rolexes and vinyl but most of all respect.

Tasks will involve.. d


d ff s dr mbnopsbm e u f hh d uh ee ff uh f d as d f Bare knuckle boxing........prank phone calls......dissing one another......getting ‘some’......cow tipping......scheming.......pushing........repairing minor flesh wounds.......tattooing themselves.... installing gold teeth.......blagging......keeping it real....50 Cent karaoke

Every night at tea time the rappers will have beefcakes. Each Wednesday the rappers will vote for who they would most like to “take out of the game”. The two least pimpin rappers will then have two days to prepare for the live eviction MC battle hosted by Lady Sovereign on Friday night which will last for a lengthly 90 mins thus clinically exposing anyone with a poor flow. Anyone cussing another rappers mother will be immediately disqualified as everybody knows that the biggest ‘muthas’ love their mothers, very dearly. Viewers at home will be allowed to vote for which tunes they would most like to see the MCs rap along to.....e.g. ‘insane in the membrane’ or perhaps the opening song from the musical annie - you decide.

Each week the winning rapper will be given a philly blunt, a bottle of bollinger champagne and the ultimate prize for any mc, having their mic. Volume turned up twice as loud as all the other rappers for the following days rapping. The loosing rapper will be sent to a young offenders institute. Even though the internet is free Viewers will be given the chance to express their opinions through extortionately priced text messages and phone calls on ‘Big Mutha’s Big Balls’ with Vanessa Feltch and ‘Big Mutha’s a Big Bastard’ with Bernard Manning, every single bloody day.

After 10 weeks of competition the winning MC will be handed the opportunity to feature on the upcoming album of one of the nations best loved music artists who in a final and cruel twist will be revealed as pops chubby ‘little brother’ Rick Waller. All the proceeds will be used to feed fat cats at endemol!


Cultural Comment

‘That’s a clown

man, don’t hurt the clown!’

Plastic Ponchos, Por taloos, Potatoes, Pissing Rain… An advert on Gumtree

meal we finished at 5am

Oh how excited I was,

to play tambourine.

on Friday caught my eye

and promised the next

Björk - proper headliner

With my cherryade and

‘Glastonbury workers

few days would be at

with proper music - late

vodka I bounced excitedly

needed’. Loads of forms,

least 12 hours of the

on but making up for it by

off to the Manics, who

lots of uncertainty, and

same every day. The next

being Björk. For someone

played in a more upbeat

much disorganisation later,

morning, Glen the head

so small her stage

rock and roll way to when I

it’s Tuesday and my pirate

of information told us that

presence is incredible.

saw them at Glasters last.

wellies are packed. The

our best option was to just

deal is we get to choose to

bunk off as Michael Eavis

Next day was a blur.

very energetic and excited

work 4-12 hours a day on

wouldn’t condone this

After planning to see The

performance, and after a

an ice creams stall!

sort of work at his festival.

Pipettes, Guillemots,

cider break, it was time for

So we said goodbye to

Dirty Pretty Things, Lily

The Who’s performance

Much time later we’re

evil work, hello awesome

Allen, CSS I ended up in

- an excellent end to all the

on site, trudging around

festival, amazing music

the G Stage for a night


looking for our staff

and excellent company!

of pleasing breakcore,

The final journey of the

electronica and hardcore

night was for Bill Bailey.

camping. Its 10pm, dark

The Kaiser Chiefs was a

and our boss seems to

The hilarious gypsy punks,

from Scotch Egg,

This was the perfect

know nothing about the

Gorgol Bordello, provided

Radioactiveman, Freq

finishing touch to the

site or said camping.

some much needed

Nasty and Bong Ra

whole festival, a good

Before the clouds above

mood boosting for the

- all very satisfying for my

chuckle about hamsters,

us did what they have

drenched crowd. Bright


Bush, falafels and songs

a tendency to over

Eyes, although enchanting

Iggy and The Stooges

that had the crowd joining

Glastonbury, I spend a

a lot of devoted fans,

on the Pyramid Stage

in. As we all concluded

good 20 minutes cursing

wasn’t keeping everyone’s

- definitely worth watching

that waterproof coats are

my Tesco value tent for not

attention - I was too busy

for comedy value. A guy

never waterproof enough

having any pegs before

munching down Gin.

in a clown suit was being

we took our tired smiles

realising I had pitched it on

SFA were as brilliant as

wrested by bouncers and

off home.

top of the peg bag.

ever, engaging the crowd

Iggy pipes up, ‘That’s a

Now sat at home nursing

and getting us all chanting

clown man, don’t hurt the

a bad case of festival

Our first shift started at

out our favs. We used all


tummy, trying to adjust to

6pm the next day – baked

our bouncing powers to

potatoes, not the promised

join in the unashamed fun

Aqualung was a beautiful,

wondering; was that really

ice-cream. After only a 20

of The Fratellis, singing

hypnotic experience, quite

my last Glastonbury?

minute break to eat our

along as if we thought we

sweet when he got his

meat soaked ‘vegetarian’

new the words.

three year old-ish son up

the real world again I am

Holly Clarke

we like messing around. if you like messing around get involved and send us something funny.


D o you come here often? things in that manner

again, bright angel, for

thou have tonight? And

Everyone has read

way back when. At the

though art as glorious

just when you think he’s

Shakespeare at some

beginning of A Midsummer

to this night as a winged

gonna say “a quickie” he

stage in their lives and

Nights Dream we are

messenger of heaven.”

gives it the “The exchange

had a teacher explain the

treated to Theseus talking

It won’t happen, ever I

of thy love’s faithful vow

subtext and underlying

to Hippolyta;

mean unless the white

for mine.” What a bloody

meanings of the subtext

“I woo’d thee with my

van drivers evolve or

smooth operator, she’s

besieged against the


something…anyway off

gonna melt, she’ll be like

rampant love stories

And won thy love doing

the point again. I’ve had

butter in his hands for the

intertwining with the

thee injuries;

to read a heck of a lot of

rest of time…or at least

comedy, the twists and the

But I will wed thee in

Shakespeare this week

until she foolishly kills

deaths. What? Yeah…

another key,

to find these petit quotes

herself. So my little point

sorry, my point is that if

With pomp, with triumph

and I found my favourite in

is that being romantic

you read Shakespeare

and with revelling.”


and smooth will get you

you may learn a thing or

It got me thinking. Imagine

and Juliet as Romeo cries

anywhere just look at

two from the characters.

a white van driver pulling

“O, wilt thou leave me so

Romeo, Lionel Richie or

I know it’s a script, but

up alongside a lady at

unsatisfied?”Juliet replies


perhaps it’s the fact that

some traficlights and

something along the lines

people were able to say

exclaiming “Oh speak

of “What satisfaction canst

[best read aloud]


Northern not at Glastonbury

my home made Did you go to

a hose pipe in the shed

Glastonbury? I didn’t get

and drenched everyone

a ticket. I didn’t try. I had

before bedtime. Vomited

12:00pm Playing frisbee

my elbow - can’t say why,

a plan. I had it all worked

on sleeping bag. Put some

with a fairy, a dinosaur

too personal.

out. You don’t need to

pounding techno on my cd

and Ted Danson, while

go to Glastonbury to

player. Found a rock for a

simultaneously watching

experience Glastonbury.

pillow. Passed out.

the clouds make

Here is my weekend diary.

Ate said mushrooms.

3:00pm Get tattoo of a frog and the word ‘Pringle’ on


themselves into shapes,

3:00pm Woke up cuddling

and debating whether

a shoe – not mine. Throw

‘simultaneously’ is a real

away half my CDs – the

5:00am Woke in tent,

word, and what bands it’s

bands I’ve missed. Hose

11:00pm Came home late,

which had fallen down,

currently watching.

down tent, clothes, and

after a few hours round

stifled by heat and lack of

trip on the tubes, tired and

oxygen. Crawled out, like a

12:45pm Had a bit of sick

some weird people

hungry. Set up my tent in

dying worm in my sodden

and a white substance I

counting blades of grass.

the garden, on a mound of

sleeping bag. Finished

found on the floor; maybe

Then it rains, and I curse

earth, previously prepared

a can of cider, full of

cocaine, maybe weed

the sky. Then I hear my

by a JCB digger. Threw

cigarette butts – breakfast.


flatmate playing guitar, and

forced to improvise with

7:00am Drunk and sitting

3:40pm Woke up covered

knowing the words, never

twigs and beer cans from

in an inflatable rubber ring.

in leaves, back in my

being prouder to sing.

the crate I’d taken on the

Pass out in the sun.

garden. Flatmates listening

Friday Thursday

entire garden including

a few tent poles away, so

I sit for a sing-song, never

tube. Forced to drink 8

to a Bright Eyes CD. He

8:45pm find the stone

cans just to pitch tent. Help

8:00am Woke up,

brings me curry. We share

circle. Buy some

a few neighbours over the

sunburnt. Smeared my

a box wine. He’s got more

mushrooms and hash


face and limbs in mud to

weed killer AND slug

cakes from my neighbour.

combat the pain. Ate a

pellets. We sprinkle our

He hugs me, and we talk

3:00am Finished pitching

curry out of a polystyrene

curries and scoff.

about the good ol’ days,

tent as a group of friends

box I found. Went for a

and people I’d never seen


before arrived. We sat

before either of us were 11:40pm Björk has come

born. He starts to explain

round. She tramples on

Maximo Park’s importance

and talked nonsense.

11:30am Admitted

our tents and falls into

- I vomit, tell him I’ll defo

Drank a crate each, and

to myself I was lost,

the fire. I think it’s Björk

meet him later, by the

a few bottles of cheap

wandering in the

anyway. Maybe Police.

thing, near the puddle, and

box wine - made a fire

neighbour’s gardens.

with the rubbish. Found

Found some mushrooms.

I crawl on.

Northern not at Glastonbury

Glastonbury send/i


ome him s

w here

nor the

eoth rn@th



11:00pm Buy a curry

1:00pm Now back from

for a great deal of time.

6:24am Wake up in a

from a squirrel - he says

travelling to the 6th

Pass out.

tree. Fall down. Crawl

it’s made from his cousin

dimension to visit the

who ran off with  his wife.

aardvark factory for a

9:45pm My toilet, with me

Crawl out, turn on hose,

Squirrel curry is good.

blueberry muffin. I smoke

in it, is tipped over. I wake

crawl back and pass out

Drink lots of watered down

some weeds, drink some

up, and swim away from

cradling a bottle of cider to

beer and throw £30 down

curry, and eat a few cans

the wreckage.

the Mexican wave sound

a drain. Find a poncho,

of beer.

wear a poncho. Eat some

under my sleeping bag.

of ‘Bollocks’ from my 10:05pm My flatmate tells

neighbours getting in the spirit.

wild berries which do

1:07pm Toilet duties again,

me his favourite band are

strange things to me. I

then to the medical tent.

on TV. ‘Who?’ I croak.

remove all clothing except

Thunder and lightening

‘Yep’ he says, and runs off

7:12am Wake up on the

my wellies, which I fill with

ensue, and I run around

into the darkness.

burning embers of the

mud. I stomp about. My

in circles and kiss a few

skin looks strange, and I’m

people I deem must be

mesmerised by it. I feel

beautiful, since I can’t

like Iggy Pop.

focus on them.


campfire, content never Monday

to move again unless it’s to watch Neighbours.

12:15am Through my

Possibly Doctors. Which I

kitchen window I see

probably need.

2:45pm I decide to send

‘Walk the Line’ being

a postcard to my family.

projected inside. I wander

8:00am Flatmate pokes

4:00am Techno fancy

I forget their names, and

about telling everyone it’s

me with a stick and says

dress party at our camp

most of their address. This

my favourite film, after

he’s leaving for work, and

site. Everyone’s there!

isn’t a problem however, as

Weekend at Bernie’s.

would I like a lift. I say I’ll

No sleep. No feeling in

I also forget how to write,

my middle toe - possibly

and what I’m doing. I find

2:00am I find a fire,

trenchfoot setting in.

a bottle of Meths, making

possibly a burnt out car

8:04am Hitch a lift on

the mistake of announcing

in our driveway. I sit by it

some girl’s skateboard,

7:36am Suddenly have

it to the crowd – the herb

and cuddle a few people. A

possibly Björk.

to find a toilet. I find my

garden was trampled as

guy comes and tells some

flatmates record box,

everyone chased me for

bad jokes, and we build

9:01am Get to work. Finish

and fill it with my back

the fluid.

a sculpture out of cider

off my mushrooms, cider,

cans, and love. We burn

boxed wine, weed killer,

catalogue. He tells me

be in later

‘That’s beautiful’, then we

6:30pm I find the Hare

our alcoholic Wicker Man

weeds, slug pellets and

smoke some more home

Krishna tent. Eat the nicest

creation, with our wallets

curry. Pass out.

made crack - tastes like

food ever, before running


fermented Fairy liquid.

to the toilet, where I stay

9:07am Fired from work.




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TOSMAG 011  

before we were famous

TOSMAG 011  

before we were famous