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Thursday 5th April 07

Letter from the Editor.


Ladies and Gentlefolk, it would appear that the summer is nearly upon us. I’ve had a t-shirt on all week, the sunroof has been down and I’ve been frolicking around like a nun who has

My big IsShoe

just been given her first taste of ice cream. Offices nationwide are discussing whether or not their bosses will get them the air conditioning they deserve. (I’ll let you in on

You are just a Number

a little secret, if your office environment is above 24°C it is legal cause for you to finish work for the day). Anyway before I get waylaid, over excited and ahead of myself

London for Free

there have been more pressing matters this week. I was shocked at the standard of the national press’s April Fools, Tony Blair at the Old Vic, F1 Racing Trolleys, and most depressingly was the BBC’s Scratch n Sniff webpage. I spent Sunday morn-

7 Stops

ing telling all and sundry that there were only 1000 of the new £20 note and if you had one it was worth £1000, so don’t go throwing it away now (this may actually be true!)

Today’s Special

Now I know what you are all thinking…It’s Easter, good ol’ Easter weekend. It’s also Passover for me, so no bread this week sonny, it also means that if you see Amy Winehouse suckling down a pint at the Boat Race you can go and give her some

Cultural Comment

serious guilt! I’ve already notified my Italian Catholic friend of the wheat problem, she’s having me, a vegetarian, a lactose intolerant Yank and a carnivore round for lunch on Sunday. I

Listen Up

wish her the best of luck! Inside this week we have all the best places to spend your FOUR days so listen up and bear this in mind; Whoever you are and wherever you are make sure that 72% of

Northern on the Northern Line

the Easter Weekend is spent with a glass of wine/Pimms/beer in your hand, 9% of it with a paint brush/drill/hammer in your hand and the other 19% with an ice cream/baby/bucket and spade in your spare hand. Enjoy it for me people!



my big isShoe Last week I fell down a

of my rather chunky calf.

fine in casual situations,

he may be right. The

flight of stairs at work.

I was barely able to walk

but you would not want to

Northern line is the perfect

To make matters worse

let alone drive or go to

be seen fraternising with

place for a spot of shoe

it was the day of a big

the gym (forcing me to

them in finer company.

snooping, and that is what

event I’d been planning

switch to my emergency

I’ve done. I have noticed

for months, and of all

diet usually reserved for

week has been very

that people’s shoes are

the many disasters from

pre-holidays and special

hard for me. With such

often quite different from

my nightmares getting

events), but worst of all I

restrictions on footwear

the rest of their image,

my heel caught in the

have been unable to utilise

(not to mention the

and I think I know why:

stylishly oversized turn-up

the vast majority of my

fact that I have also

Although many people feel

at the bottom of my new

menagerie of footwear. In

been sporting a rather

constrained in their choice

high-waisted trousers

fact, for the past week I

unattractive knee high

of clothes, hair styles

was not one of them! I

have been forced to live in

tubular support bandage)

and make up by their

was discovered by David

my trainers!

styling has been a

parents, partners, jobs

from IT in a tangled web

nightmare, and I hit an all

and society in general,

of waist-high grey and

tyrant and indeed own a

time low on Wednesday

there isn’t this same

chin-high black, shoeless

number of different brands

when in desperation I

sense of restriction when

on the grubby floor. To

and styles, however there

almost considered a

it comes to shoes, which

make matters worse the

is only so far a trainer can

long skirt/trainer combo.

means that it is through

gorgeous French porter

go. Trainers are obviously

Thankfully once I made it

footwear that people are

then appeared – all

very happy in the gym;

through this dark period

often most expressive and

concern and high cheek

they are also the perfect

I was back to my usual

experimental. You should

bones – and fetched a first

accompaniment to a

self and able to adopt a

look for yourself; next time

aider. Within 3 minutes

hangover on a Saturday

far more philosophical

you’re on the train take

I had 3 men closely

morning or maybe a trip

outlook, and started

a few minutes to look at

inspecting my pale, stubbly

to the cinema, but under

to contemplate the

your fellow passenger’s

leg for any sign of swelling.

no circumstances will my

significance of footwear.

footwear; then look up and

trainers ever accompany

My dad used to know a

view the rest of them. In

experience has only been

me to a restaurant or a

man who swore you could

fact, more importantly, try

superseded by the pain

night on the town. This is

tell everything about a

it next time you’re on a first

of the inconvenience of

simply out of the question!

person simply by looking

date, and ask yourself,

the injury. In the days

For me trainers are the

at their footwear, and after

‘could I grow to love those

that followed my right

unsuitable boyfriend or fat

much complex research


ankle swelled to the size

friend of footwear; they are

I am beginning to think

The pain of this

Now, I am no trainer

Needless to say this



…in their BIG Black Book! And your number is likely to be something along the lines of 010101110001010101 ad infinituum. I got one too, we all do and they’re all relentlessly binary. Logged, locked and eminently locatable! They been working on the B B B for decades now, offering us air miles every time we offer up our loyalty cards and the like, taking from us miles and miles of data to ensure our continuing fealty. It’s continualy being updated, and we’re signed, sealed and delivered into the monster equation of global stability. Anyone not with me should get the Beeb’s doco “The Trap: Where did our freedom go?” Like Jim White says; ‘most of the time you think you’re playing, most times it’s you that’s being played… by them Buzzards’. (Buzzards: closely related to Squirrels!) Thing is, we’re culpable. Our insatiable appetite for fear and shame, our avoidance of responsibility and a willingness to hand over the reins has played right into the hands of them Buzzards and their need for control. In recompense they palm us off with feeble baubles in a vast array of colours, the sum total of their munificence and we keep coming back for more. What’s more this is not a reward it’s to assuage our

T A NUMBER guilt and grief over a life lived less

the losers, Loaf and B-Carter. So,

that ‘You can’t take it with ya when

than beautifully, behind a desk

how about this, a spaniard in the

you go’, that in that case he wasn’t

at the Great Bird’s beck and call,

works, a splash of Sonrise Yeller in

“going”! He probably left a vast

gathering evidence for the insatiable

their black and white, off/on world?

array of 1’s and 0’s in some bank’s

data base, at a screen designing a

A little hard fought and well thought

B B B, earning uncollectible interest

new cover. Whatever, it’s a mere

generosity. A little loving the alien,

for years and years.

addendum to the B B B.

helping the Granny, or sharing the

It was thirty years ago this

And if all that sounds too

spoils and enjoying the craick. Buy

summer that we had the last

terrifyingly Orwellian in it’s vision,

something unadvertised. Send

summer of love. About time

if we agree that The Buzzards

half your clothes to Africa. Invite

for another? Better conceived,

do indeed seem to have all the

to tea the person that most scares

more rigourously practised, more

avenues blocked off, corralling us

the shit outta you. Find a member

generously enjoyed and bearing

into clinical malls where they own all

of the great unwashed and wash

in mind the horrorific end of the

the shops and restaurants, factory

his/her feet. Invest your cash in a

last one at Altamont on that cold,

outlets, gyms and feel-bad advert

guaranteed return; People. You

malevolent, December night.

space, fear not, because there is

with me? What if the numbers

Of course it probably won’t be

a glitch in their Plan. The Great

started misbehaving? Behaving

happening this year at all, but if

Editors of the B B B have amassed

as nature intended rather than the

we jump on a wagon that in all

their pages without accounting for

performing seals we have become?

probability has been rolling awhile

Humanity in ALL its wonder. They

A performing seal driven by

(if it ever stopped) then maybe in a

would reduce you and I to fearful

fear is never more than a slave, no

coupla years we might have another

grunts of an entirely selfish bent,

matter that it enjoys as much fish

shot at consigning the B B B to a

lacking thoughts of altruism, any

as it can eat. It is time to overturn

library where future generations

hope for communality or aspiration

the long held dictum “You can stand

can study it and laugh at our

for creativity beyond changing the

for freedom and you will probably

presumptuousness in traipsing the

programme on the TV, the colour

lose. You can vote for slavery and

Globe to deliver ‘freedom’ to people

of the car, the shape of that which

you will definitely win.” What will

who were quite happy to make their

takes the edge of our discomfort.

you lose? Your chains, my friend.

own chairs and tables. God forbid,

They would have us be the Norton

And voting for slavery what would

but they might even be happily

character in ‘Fight Club’ hating his

you win? More fish and a pension.

eating whilst sitting on the floor,

job and spending his cash online

Until age renders you unable to

discarding bones and ephemera

at Ikea, too fearful to step outside

perform the tricks you’ve learnt so

on the willing earth. For as Clint

his limp, green, boxy flat. Even

painstakingly, after some bulging

so dryly observed “Buzzards gotta

the Pitt character, with his feeble

buzzard has bowdlerized your rainy

eat, same as worms” Much more

nihilism and dead end ‘FEELING’,

day stash! Some obviously clever,

satisfying to have the Buzzards

can probably be assimilated into the

but ultimately idiotic, Gazillionaire

eating our leftovers than feeding off

matrix of 0s and 1s. Not to mention

once said, in response to the truth

our fear.



Private views are the new after work drink, they are

by samuel dafoe

young socialite list, invitations to all the champagne

taking place all over London on a daily basis, literally

receptions will be flooding in and Thursday nights will be

from Shoreditch to Chelsea and then up to Camberwell

well and truly sussed for the next few years.

via East Finchley. Best of all the chances are you don’t

really need an invitation, because the people on the door

the cheap in London, find yourself a private view. Walk in

are so goddam scared of asking who you are, just in case

looking high brow or artsy and help yourself to some of

you have £50,000 in your back pocket ready to drunkenly

London’s free champagne and foie gras!

I insist that next time you want to do something on

throw at the new artist on the block. Point proven, Thursday last week.

It was one of those busy arty evenings in town and

also one of those evenings where the rich kids come out to play, namely at Sotheby’s. I was invited along as an outsider to view the proceedings, prior to taking in the Andreas Gursky private view just off Piccadilly.

You walk into the Auction House, greeted by a man in

a top hat and a lady with a clipboard. The girl I was with explained that myself and a friend were “with her.” In we walk, greeted firstly by cloakroom staff, then once bags and jackets are down handed a glass of bottomless Pink Champagne (A little like the magic coke glasses they have at Nando’s or Pizza Hut). The idea is then to stand around and look vaguely interested in something, There was art by Warhol, Lichtenstein, Miro and the like, the stuff that is easily accessible for the young socialites. With our glasses topped up we were greeted by food, foie gras burgers, quail’s eggs with crispy bacon and strangely salted doughnuts, supposedly enticing more drink to flow and more money to be splashed.

We decided to leave and head 5 minutes down the

road to the Andreas Gursky opening. This time there wasn’t even a doorperson. In we strode to be greeted by the hustle and bustle of freewheeling art students and a glass of Moet. Two glasses later and the overcrowded Gallery was less appealing than the money soaked Sotheby’s. So…back we headed, this time when asked at the door for our names, my response was something in the region of “We were here, but we left to see the Gursky” to which “Oh, I am sorry, have you signed up to the young collectors club?” was the response. Evidently neither I nor my companion had and we duly did, with a special interest in antique guns. We are now on the

p o ’ p ‘

FL A recipe for literally the best pudding ever!

Everybody has a twist on Bread and Butter pudding. Here is mine! You’ll need Some Brioche Some Chocolate Croissants Some Kahlua (the more the merrier as they say) Some Eggs (3 eggs plus 2 extra yolks) Some Double Cream (500mls) Some Sugar (350g)

- - - - - - -

Butter your dish, it should have high sides about 2/3 inches and preheat the oven to 180°C Mix up your eggs, cream, sugar and kahlua to make a custard mix. Next tear the brioche and croissants apart and squash them in to your baking dish Pour over the custard mix and squash down even more. Sprinkle the top with brown sugar Place in the oven for about 30 mins. The sugar should have caramelised. Serve immediately and watch as the custard oozes out all over the plate! YUM!


4 3









1 8

We cannot be bothered to make Doherty history anymore since he has become just a speck of dust in our lives. Leave him alone and if you see him, say hello

6 9

5 5

2 8



from us.

Sorry Pete

9 9

This might be possible. We are not sure. Please try it. If it is possible send your solutions in and we will reward you accordingly. Kind Regards, Ed.

NEXT TIME Exclusive New Young Pony Club content

7 Stops Maximo Park


The Geordie boys are in Archway of all places performing songs from their new album ‘Our Earthly Pleasures’Promises to be quite an intimate event so get there early to avoid disappointment. THURSDAY 5th!

Loadsa bands for a crazy Sunday includi

Illa Man + Freedom Of Expression + Queens English + Blabbermouth + Idioverse + 2nd Class Citizen + Reptiles + Bombay Monkey + . Subsource + Kids In Tracksuits + Infinite Livez + Mazdafari

£1@1pm, £2@2pm, £3@3pm and so on

Pure Groove Records, 679 Holloway Rd, Archway

rivington st.

Entrance: FREE

East Finchley


Highgate Brent Cross

Camden Town

Chalk Hampstead Farm

Golders Green

Belsize Park

Mornington Crescent

The Phoenix

After your busy Easter weekend some winding down will be much needed. Where better to do this in the recently refurbished Phoenix Cinema just by East Finchley Station. Showing in the next few weeks are ‘Days of Glory’ and ‘The Lives of Others’ £4 on a Monday


Sunday April

Old Street

Kings Cross

Kentish Town

Tufnell Park


Angel Warren Street


Tottenham Court Roa Goodge Street

All Star Lan

Bowling at it’s absolute finest. 50’s style diner and cocktails compliment the jive-tastic music and fast action bowling lanes. You’ll be glad to know that the scoring is automatic so there is no fiddling about with adding up. Make sure you book! Bloomsbury Place

The best things going on in and around the Northern line both sides of the River

The Insomniacs Ball





London Bridge

Charing Cross

Leicester Square


Ok, so it’s on the East London line but this is a pretty cool outing. The Brunel Museum is running tours through the Thames Tunnel accompanied by Ghost Stories. Sunday 8 April £2 Tube Rotherhithe Change at Waterloo onto the Jubilee Line then hop onto the East London Line.

SeOne 7.30 - 6.30 £21.50


m ad

Ghost Train

Whether you can’t sleep or won’t sleep the Insomniacs ball is the perfect start to your Easter Weekend. Brakes and Shakes are the highlight Bands.




Stockwell Oval

Clapham Common Clapham North


The Boat Race There are boats and it’s a race between two of England’s most dubious Universities. Oxford and Cambridge. Go along to the river, have a Pimms, have a picnic, have a croissant, have a baby, have a lime, if you are having a lime you should probably have a corona. I think you get the picture. Just make sure you look as the boats go past you! Change at Embankment for Putney Bridge

If you would like to advertise something in 7 stops then please contact us at

Today’s Special With the Easter Weekend fast approaching we thought it would be a good time to offer up some tip-top advice. We have sent out largely illiterate scouts, with the fastest hands to find you the most swashbuckling four day weekend

Morning...and to you kind sir...erm...Get an early start and head for the new Gorilla Kingdom at London Zoo. With an indoor gym, a moated Island and heated rocks some might say the monkey’s have got it better than we do! Take a packed lunch and go and eat with the penguins. are quite polite...make your way back down to Camden’s Stables and get your hands messy painting pottery at Painted Earth. If the kids have still got anything left in them then a trip over the road to Marine Ices for some serious knickerbocker glory action is needed.

a sizzling SATURDAY for the boys It has to be said that waking up to Saturday Kitchen is probably the best way to start your day. Not only can you talk the talk about what’s fresh but you can show off your wine purchasing skills too (save these for Monday). Anyway onto better things, 1245 find a pub/bar/mates house and watch the Chelski V Spurs game, no predictions from this writer. Afterwards take a hop, skip and a jump on to the old Line and make your way into town for some frolicking amongst men, think about being cultural, imagine the face of old Aunt Mavis on Easter Sunday when you tell her about your day out....So, it’s one of three places for you; 1) Surreilism in the V & A, it’s the way forward and oh so easy to blab on about how everything just represents the flaccid penis! 2) There are a bunch of Monet paintings at the Royal Academy, your auntie will especially like this 3) Andreas Gursky at the end of Grafton Street. Massive photographs that may or may not have been manipulated. Discuss. Come the evening the fishy half of the old favourite Lee and Herring makes his way to the Arts theatre in WC2, nearest tube is Leicester Square and tickets are £12.50

day32145 weekend ndr

a fun packed FRIDAY for the whole family


that London and the Northern Line has to offer you.

slow/speedy SUNDAY at mums/grans/catholic mates Did you see Louis Theroux on Sunday night, talking to the most hated family in America? I’d be interested to hear their views on Easter Sunday! Anyway my view is spend it with friends, eat, drink, relax a bit, you have Monday off so there is no worry about going to work the next day. If you are going somewhere for lunch, creme eggs and hot cross buns go down pretty well. If you’re not out to Lunch take a trip to Old Street and make your way down to Cargo for 12 hours of Bank Holiday mayhem starting at 1pm. They have the best of the Capital’s newest acts. Tickets are £1 @ 1pm, £2 @ 2 and so on until 8 where the buck stops at £8.

made it to MONDAY. DIY anyone? It’s that day of the year where Hombase/B&Q/Texas (doesn’t that still exist) fill up to hellish capacity. We’ve all been there, paint/shelves/laminate flooring. Don’t worry about it darlin’ Normally by Tuesday the builders are in and £500 saved is turned into £1000 spent! Get out of there, take your wife/girlfriend/mistriss/boyfriend/husband/toyboy on a romantic day out. Escape the capital if you will but I recommend this: a long long long walk. Start at Greenwich and make your way along the Thames path to the London Eye. Take in The Cutty Sark, Nelson’s Dock, Canary Wharf, Tower Bridge, Southwark Cathedral and numerous other London Landmarks. Make sure you take provisions, a Twix is imperative, but for the more audacious a loving picnic featuring the best of the things you saw on Saturday Kitchen would be ideal.

March 2007

March 2007

Our editor and northerner tried this. They thought it was delectable! Our ‘lactard’ designer hopes innocent will make some soya options so she can also enjoy a breakfast thickie.


Cultural Comment gig, it was dinner at the Moonshine Grill. Before too long we found ourselves in the back of one of Austin’s many pedi-cabs. We ended up at La Zona Rosa. By the time we got there it was packed and Amy Winehouse (spotting #3) was on stage, the second time I had seen her that day and she was in much better form. A few more pints and some Vodka Tonics and


we were off to see Antibalas at Antone’s. Antibalas a. Back in the pedi-cab, we then cruised over to Subb’s to see The Good, The Bad and The Queen. Less than impressive, between Paul’s posing and Damon’s lurching

So the Other Side Magazine had

badge I ended up seeing

the pleasure of sending one of its

The Automatic - a, Fionn

finest reporters along to the South

O’Lochlainn - a It’s now 2:32am

by South West Festival in Texas.

(my day started at 25 hours ago)

How? I hear you cry. Well he was

SXSW Day 2 – Saw Amy Winehouse

actually already going it just seemed

#1, Saw Bloc Party - half a

like an idea for him to write a review.

SXSW Day 3 – Friday started

Unfortunately he rather overstepped

out with a great breakfast at the

the mark on his ‘Word Count’ quota

world-class Las Manitas. After

so we have kindly edited it down

lunch I went to the Island Records

for him. Much of the article will be

party. The line up for the party was

seen as a or x. Was a band good?

Amy Winehouse, Scott Matthews,

Yessir, therefore a a is required.

The Rumble Strips, Mika and the

Read on reader.

Fratellis. Winehouse (that is sighting

SXSW Day 1 – 1:16am Central

#2) was true to form, not as good as

about I’m not too sure about the set up. It was also a bit grim at 1 in the morning to be listening to something so down-beat. Unfortunately this is where the story ends. Matt lost his press pass to the festival and was unable to get into anymore of the shows. Unlucky for him but lucky for you reader as there will be no more tormenting of what you missed out on. Meanwhile back in London can I get a show of hands who got Glastonbury tickets. The once freewheeling hippie-fest has turned pretty sour. How’s it working? I

time. It’s been a long day. The

the last time I saw her in Cannes,

plane left Gatwick at 10:25am and I

but not bad for a gig at 3:30 on a

didn’t get to the hotel until 1am the

Friday afternoon a. The Rumble

next day. But three bands, about

Strips a, Mika was terrible x, way

five dinners and six Tecates (a beer

too over-hyped. The Fratellis on the

for you uneducated folk) and a

other hand were fantastic a one of

splash of Vodka-Cranberry later, it’s

the best gigs that I saw during the

time for bed!

whole festival.

up at Mr Eavis and the Mean Mean

After the check-in and wading

About two hours, plenty of Sol and

Fiddler Security group and when I

through the madness of getting my

a quick listen at The Watson Twins

say mean I mean mean!

mean if you want to go with a bunch of mates what happens if you get a ticket and buddy A, B and C don’t? How many people are going to be walking around the festival this year friendless and generally worked


I’ve always wanted to be

Heath on a dark and

in January. I don’t

a super-fit, super-human

chilly January night.

know if I can carry on

athlete but although I’m

I’m freezing and a little

at this pace. The scary

naturally quite active,

nervous, my hands ready

man barks orders. We

home with an immovable

I lack one major thing.

to drop off. We get split

touch the ground, we

grin on my face.

Discipline. I opened a

into three groups and I opt

hop, we do 10 push ups

Sunday paper shortly

for the middle group, don

and get right back up to

my body is perversely

after Christmas and the

a red bib and a scary man

sprint. There’s still no way

ecstatic at having been

ideal solution was laid

with arms bigger than

I’m coming second but at

pushed so hard but it

out before me. British

my torso puts us into two

this point I really want my

seems like I personally

Military Fitness (BMF)

ranks. We run to a tree

mum. I get round the tree

had made no effort. All

was the subject of an

and back. All good. A

and back to the instructor

the real work was taken

article on alternatives

competitive streak bolts

and hooray! I’m first. My

care of by the instructor.

to the gym, which I find

through me and on the

joy is tempered because

If not for him I would

soul-destroyingly dull.

next run to the tree I do

I am now promoted to

certainly have given

I went along to a free

everything I can to come

the advanced group. I

up after ten minutes

introductory session and

first. Ten sprints later I

have been pushed to my

and gone home, eaten

this is what happened.

am drenched in sweat,

absolute limit and only ten

a chocolate bar and

I’m over dressed wearing

minutes of this hour long

watched telly. Instead,

just a t-shirt and shorts

session have passed.

I’ve signed up to do BMF

No mercy though. The

three times a week and I

advanced instructor runs

feel a massive difference

off into the dark woods

in my fitness and after the

with a bike light strapped

first session I decided to

to his back and we, the

run the London marathon,

eight poor souls who’ve

the training for which

made it into this group,

seems almost easy in

run after him.

comparison. I would

recommend BMF to

Fifty people gather in

a car park on Hampstead


Fifty minutes later we

slide into the

past and I run

Every muscle in

do a warm down, stretch

anyone who wants to get

and pat each other on the

fit, although some friends

back. I feel so good that

who’ve tried it thought

I am convinced that I am

it was humiliating and

quite literally invincible.

tortuous, I can’t wait for

All the pain and suffering

the next session.

LISTEN UP The International Amalgamation Of Champions Corsica Studios Friday March 30th 2007

Coming out of Elephant

was all the more reason

prices at the bar confused

was certainly winning,

and Castle at any time of

for being frustrated at not

me slightly. The bar was

until he was jeered off

day is not pleasant but in

taking our own booze.

cheap and cheerful too,

the stage for appearing

the evening you do have

They did however request

Budvar bottles for £2 and

to be racist. People were

the advantage of not

we handed in any felt tips;

varied shots for the same

literally shaking their fists

being blinded by the pink

being a keen colourer in, I

price was refreshing.

at him. The swift turn

shopping centre. However

passed over my pink and

over of bands, dj’s and

being from North of the

orange highlighter pens

Dev from now deceased

In the main room,

MC’s meant the evening

river and usually keeping

ran rather smoothly. The

to the ‘safe’ territories of

music was good and the

Upper Street, Shoreditch

place was bustling from

and Chalk Farm we

the moment we walked

always seem to convince

in, live music came in the

ourselves that there is an

form of DMX Krew with

other added risk involved.

DJ sets from Pranchall

Gun’s, Gangs, and things

and Ronojoy Dam

that go bump in the night

amongst others.

were top of my list of

things to look out for, but

quickly and by 4am we had

it wasn’t to be and we

to work out a way back to

followed the crowds off

West Hampstead from the

the tube and round the

Elephant. Two Buses and

back to Corsica Studios

a cab later and we’d made

where Real Gold were

it, leaving one friend sitting

hosting the International

on a speaker in the venue

Amalgamation Of

waiting for the first tube.


Greeted at the door

The night moved

All in all a great night out.

by three rather jovial

making sure I picked them

band Test Icicles was on

Look out for more from

bouncers, anything to

up on the way out. What

stage debuting his new

Real Gold in the future.

declare they asked…nope,

malice I could have done

funny hip-hop project

they couldn’t search us

with them apart from

before being invited into

due to licensing which

highlighting the drinks

an MC battle which he

Benjamin Cole

Northern on the Northern Line by Peter Quinn

Northern at San Carlo I don’t go out to eat a lot, my bank manager won’t allow it. He wants me tied up in the basement, feeding only on the rainwater that drips from the ceiling, and rats that creep round my feet. But as a newbie in London, keen to seek my fortune and fate, I called out for some direction, and received it via the holy medium of a Fifi-P, advising in an email that I should go out and feed myself. The place would be San Carlo, a newly refurbished restaurant in Highgate. I had been told to expect an ‘uber-chic’ reception, so I took along my company credit card instead of my own! Some dude on the phone told me that booking was not necessary on a Friday night, good job as my bit of fluff (great expression isn’t it?!) is late for everything. I had dressed as smartly as a slob like me can dress. When I was greeted at the reception area and asked for my coat I wished I’d worn more than just a toga, some antlers, a spiderman mask and flip-flops. O well! ‘Have you booked, sir?’ ‘No way, chief!’ ‘Then I’ll have to speak to the manager!’

I wished I’d worn more than just a toga, some antlers, a spiderman mask and flip-flops. A promising start! The manager came over and saw us to a table, charming and smart. ‘Would you like some wine?’ I was tempted to order one of each (red, white, pink) then I remembered I was in a swanky place, where they probably have further options within said categories, and ordering one of each could end in a pile of sick and a stronger beating from my bank Führer. We (meaning she) chose a white – not my favourite, but hey-ho, it wasn’t bad. A selection of polite waiters and waitresses offered us water and fresh bread (olive or cranberry

2 Highgate High Street, Highgate London N6 5JL T:0208 340 5823

– both excellent!) and left us feeling very well pampered. We then had time to note the other clientele. Generally well presented and grey-haired, though it was a Friday night, and most young-uns would be on the end of a cheap vodka bottle in preparation for a night of annihilation in some sweat shop. Families would also fit in nicely here. The lucky strumpet I’d chosen to take out that evening (both blind and deaf, may I add!) was, and still is, a vegetarian. Outside, we had been promised that a person of the vegetable persuasion would be heavily catered for. As it turned out, provided they liked pasta, all would be fine. I ordered a lamb shank with white wine gravy and garlic and chorizo mash. Mmmm!!! And it really was! Meat done to perfection, falling off the bone. Just the right amount of everything. Nice presentation. The pasta dish that ‘she-whomust-be-obeyed’ ordered was likewise very tasty, and more than she could eat. Both dishes were presented quickly and politely. We decided that dessert would make us explode, and as

the establishment had left such a pleasant impression on us, it might be deemed a little out of taste if we were to splatter our guts and entrails over the walls and all, just because we wanted something sweet to taste. Reluctantly, I agreed to allow the manager the sadistic pleasure of presenting me with the bill. I held my breath, gritted my teeth and peeked……. To my surprise, there was nothing to worry about. I even thought something may have been left off the bill, but nosirree-bob - all present and correct, and by no means fatal! I’d like to thank Fifi-P for enlightening me to the San Carlo restaurant. Thanks Fifi-P. San Carlo fed me good food, at a good price, in nice surroundings, with pleasant and attendant staff, and left me feeling…..nice and happy! And they all lived happily ever after! If you have anywhere you’d like to send me, email your suggestions to n o r t h e r n @ and I may just pop up there! Bribery always welcome!




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TOSMAG 005  

tos issue 5: before we were famous