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The

Vol. XCV Issue 10

The Vector: NJIT’s Student Newspaper @njit_vector @TheNJITVector

BONUS!

Week of April 1th, 2018

Njitvector.com

With Magnitude & No Direction

Professors Rewarded Handsomely for Low Rate My Professor Scores By Victoria Nyugen | Copy Editor

Step aside, annoying end-ofthe semester surveys. The salary of NJIT professors now solely depends on the scores posted on the ultimately reputable website, Rate My Professors, a source that reflects on the teaching skills of school lecturers reported by students, for students. One good rating (3 stars and above) – regardless of the total posts available – will lead to a standing ovation for the professor from their department. Two or more good ratings and positive comments left by anonymous students will result in the professor receiving a bonus based on their overall score. Take Professor William Kirke,

for example. From rags to riches, the millionaire has not stepped foot on campus ever since the College of Science and Liberal Arts uncovered his Rate My Professors profile, and discovered that students consistently complemented both Kirke’s teaching and overall personality: two positive reports (out of the fifty that were posted on his page) discussed Kirke’s “distinguishable” obsession with helping students after class, as well as Kirke’s tendency to eat breathe mints after drinking his coffee as to not make students uncomfortable when speaking closely to them. Those two posts showcased the immense power of

the students’ voice, and Professor Kirke was paid in no time. Rate My Professors is lauded by many students in that it assigns a voice to this specific group of frustrated and sleep-deprived people, and thus drives civic engagement. NJIT previously used moderated surveys that students were urged to complete regarding the quality of the class and the professor’s instruction. However, on February 30, 2018, diligent student hackers who took a break from playing Fortnite decided to hack into university President, Joel Bloom’s, office computer. There, the hackers learned that the NJIT class surveys were not recorded anonymously

– as NJIT students have been promised semester after semester – and those students who had posted censorious comments about their professors, were marked and classified in a special file. From there, word got out and the NJIT students never regarded those surveys the same. Since then, the students have taken their honesty and anger of failing some common exams of certain classes to the digital streets of Rate My Professors, in hopes of bringing down unfavorable professors. The lower the score, the less a professor will make. “Rate My Professors is a website is where I get to post as anonymous and be as honest as I can about a

class’s difficulty and the pettiness levels of certain professors," said Christian Porter, a third-year Biology student. “In this state, I feel empowered as a student.” Reagan Ovido, a fourth-year Electrical Engineering major, expressed doubts and some concern when asked about Professor Kirke’s leave via the positive posts left on Rate My Professors: “Gee, I don’t know anything about that. If all the good professors get rich and leave, won’t that mean all the bad ones will stay?”

s Newark Cars More Likely to Breakdown One year of commuting in Newark can cut your vehicles’ life expectancy by 2.5 years. By Babatunde Ojo | Managing Editor

A recent study conducted by the Commuter Association of Research (CAR) has revealed that prolonged driving in Newark does irreparable harm when compared to driving in New Jersey’s other locations. When asked how Newark compares to other cities, CAR researcher, Emmanuel Coche said “It is very surprising. When compared to other towns or cities like Montclair or New Brunswick, it’s as clear as day and night.” Coche went on to say that Newark averages 9.7 potholes per street. The worst of which is Martin Luther King Blvd., which has a total of seventeen potholes. The average Newark driver is reported to drive anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour and a half in the city depending on the traffic. CAR disclosed that most commuters will run into at least eleven cracks or potholes in the street for every six minutes if traffic is flowing well. If this daily commute is maintained for over a year, the average vehicle would be worn down more than twice as fast when compared to vehicles driving in the average NJ city. NewarkcitizensandNJITstudentshaveshowntheirdislikeoftheroadsforsometime.Despitetheeffortsatrepavingthemoretraversedstreets,manyarenotconfidentinthecity’sabilitytoimprovethesituation. Marcus Ferdinand, a third year Digital Design major said, “I’ve seen a lot of terrible things happen almost every other week when watching traffic waiting for my bus. One time I saw a car run through a hole that had to be a foot deep and it instantly popped the tire. No one was hurt, but I saw oil slipping through the front headlights and it… you know really ruined my mood.” Most Newark natives do not rely on driving cars they own in the city; instead of taking that risk, they rely on public transportation to move around. Michelle Jefferson, a second year Mechanical Engineering major has lived in Newark for most of her life and chooses to rely on public transportation instead of using her own car. “I try to not ask friends for rides if I need to go home. I just couldn’t put them or their cars through that.” When asked how she avoids impending collisions with what she describes “crater streets”, Michelle said “Living here all my life I’ve come to accept the cracks and bumps for what they are. I embrace them now as imperfections of the city and it only drives me to eventually improving the situation when I graduate.”

NEWS

NEWS

Hotbox the WEC

Loan Forgiveness

A group of disgruntled student smokers organized a smoke-in event at the WEC to protest recent initiatives for a smoke-free campus. See page 3.

Student loans are such a myth they are invisible. Here's why! See page 5.

OPINION

How Phallic is NJIT? Do you know? Our photographers have curated an answer key for you to check your answers. See page 7.


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s Upcoming Events for this Week Week of April 1, 2018

THE VECTOR As the official student newspaper of the New Jersey Institute of Technology, our mission is to infom and entertain our readers, cultivate awareness of issues concerning the NJIT community, and provide a forum for purposeful, constructive discussion among its members. Deadlines for Articles or Letters to the Editor are due on Thursdays prior to publication at 10 P.M. Submissions should not exceed 750 words. For more information on submissions, e-mail: m a n a g i n g - e d i to r @ n j i t v e c to r . com. Advertisement Reservations are due two weeks prior to publication and should be sent to: business-manager@njitvector.com ADVISORS Operational Advisor Anthony LaViscount Faculty Advisor Miriam Ascarelli EXECUTIVE BOARD eboard@njitvector.com Editor-in-Chief Prasanna Tati editor-in-chief@njitvector.com Executive Editor Steve Castro executive-editor@njitvector.com Managing Editor Babatunde Ojo managing-editor@njitvector.com Business Manager Shravanthi Budhi business-manager@njitvector. com Web and Multimedia Editor Cassidy Lavine multimedia-editor@njitvector. com Photography Editor photography-editor@njitvector. com SENIOR STAFF Copy Editors Akinlolu Aguda Karen Ayoub Colin Bayne Shuhrah Chowdhury Katrina David Nanditha Lakshmanan Amisha Naik Victoria Nguyen Scott Rogust Layout Assistant Akinlolu Aguda Photography Assistant Yagiz Balkay Sports Editor Scott Rogust

Monday, April 2nd Tuesday, April 3rd Wednesday, April 4th

4:20-4:49pm 6:00-9:00am 2:30-4:00pm

Panettone Free Food Smoke-In with the President @ the WEC

@ Fenster 3rd Floor Balcony

@ the WEC

@ the Murray Center

@ CKB Pool

Thursday, April 5th Friday, April 6th Saturday, April 6th

2:30-4:00pm 11:30am-1:00pm 4:00pm-1:00am

Professors Passaic River @ Bridge Street Bridge @ the Pub

Bouncy House Zorb Across the & Cheap Plastic Ball Pit

@ Tiernan LH5

8:00-10:20pm

10:00pm-2:00am

Hamilton the Musical

Party with the Provost @ Eberhardt Basement

@ CKB Theater

s PEEPEE BLOTTER

3/22/18

3/26/18

5:27AM Student reported cryptic yellow messages being left in snow outside of Honors. Suspect has not been found.

12:28AM While conducting a building check of Kupfrian Hall, officer noted damage done to multiple urinals.

10:40PM A non-affiliate was issued a summons for public urination on MLK Blvd and Warren Street.

9:23AM A non-affiliate was arrested for Open Warrants on Newark Street and Central Ave.

3/25/18 4:36PM Multiple students reported suspicious urine-smelling figures on campus with yellow headbands and bandanas.

NJIT Vector Summary 3/29/2018

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@ CC Ballroom B

8:08-10:42pm 6:00-9:00pm 8:19-11:59pm vs Christie NJIT X Games Kanye West vsMurphy Corzine vs the people of NJ

Senior Staff Spencer Asral Rachel Deahl Jonpierre Grajales Shanee Halevi Yasmine Ibrahim Daniil Ivanov David Korty Marwa Moustafa Prem Naik Carmel Rafalowsky Ujjwala Rai Siri Uppuluri Adrian Wong

Memory of Dr. Herman A. Estrin and Roger Hernande

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For 3/22/18 through 3/28/18

Times Shown are Times Reported

9:42PM A non-affiliate reported missing cone when using the restroom in the Wellness & Events Center.

10:58PM Multiple non-affiliates were arrested for spray painting on Eberhardt Hall. 11:11PM A non-affiliate was issued a summons for public urination on MLK Blvd and Central Avenue.


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News

Passionate Student Smokers Plan to

Hotbox the WEC on 4/20 in Protest of Student Senate's Smoke-Free Campus Campaign By Shanee Halevi | Senior Staff Writer

NJIT’s smoking community has been relentlessly targeted and framed as public miscreants by faculty and peers. A recent survey conducted by Student Senate indicated that 81.2% of students support a smoke free campus initiative, and 83.6% of students are in favor of enforcing no smoking rules. If these rules are enforced, smokers could face fines for repeated offenses. The smoking community finds this to be extremely insensitive, considering the already high cost of living such a lifestyle. In addition to the ~$8 per cigarette pack, smokers need to account for frequent doctor visits and medication prescribed for regular respiratory infections.

Adding fines to smokers’ financial burden would force them to sacrifice other necessary purchases, like bottled soda, gum, and lottery scratch off tickets. Local gas stations and delis would suffer major income losses. In response to this outright denial of rights, smokers have banded together for a “Smoke in.” On April 20, a group of 45 people and counting have pledged to “smoke out the Campus Center,” as posted on their Facebook group. Smokers of all substances, ranging from tobacco, to marijuana, to vape juices, intend to make their presence known to the nonsmoking community. “I can’t take a drag on my own campus without getting dirty

looks. People pretend to cough and choke... One guy actually approached me and told me I needed to leave the building before he called security. Seriously, for a lit cigarette?” Maxwell DeGenerate, a third year Pre-Med student said. “It feels like I’m a black man in the 1950’s all over again, fighting for my right to be treated fairly by the public. This is why I’m glad we’re having the Smoke-in on 4/20. We need a voice, we won’t stand being called ‘burdens of the healthcare system’ or ‘societal ash-stains’ any longer.” Other students are wary of the “smoke-in,” saying this would only pose a greater threat to the NJIT community at large. Smoking indoors is a fire hazard

and subjects the public to secondhand smoke. Not to mention, its illegal. NJIT’s campus-wide policy strictly forbids smoking of all kinds in all University buildings, including e-cigarettes and vapes. “This is exactly the kind of close minded attitude we are trying to protest,” DeGenerate continued. “Martin Luther King had a dream and he peacefully resisted. We have a noble cause, and no one can stop us.” Campus security has been alerted of the plans for the “smoke-in” and have announced that they will immediately detain and dispossess any offenders.


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News

Week of April 1, 2018

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NJIT to Demolish Parking Decks

for New Residence Halls By Akinlolu Aguda | Copy Editor

Following the recent trend of building vertical cities as urban college campuses, NJIT Vice President of Public Works and Infrastructure, Robert Castone, has announced that NJIT will be following suit. The college campus, amid raging parking issues and concerns with the unavailability of both regular and luxury living quarters, will finally be getting a re-vamp with options for more living spaces and chill-out rooms. This development has resulted from the many protests by both campus residents and commuting students. Students who live on campus have often complained about being charged more for parking spaces than commuters usually are. Commuters on the other hand, protest that there is not enough parking space, and when they find a parking spot, the parking decks are either too crowded for them to chill in their cars, or alternatively, when they

walk into school buildings to wait for upcoming classes, all the seating areas are usually filled. This has been a major issue for both the Residence Life department and the school’s Office of Development. The proposed solution is said to be to incorporate the now trending concept of a vertical city by removing the current parking decks and extending foundations to construct residence halls. In contrast to the general idea of having multiple towers in vertical type cities, this new initiative consists of only two towers which will be placed right where the old parking decks currently are. Some people have voiced concerns that this will only aggravate our parking issues as there will be no parking spots available especially during the construction process. In response to this, Castone said on Twitter that, “the new residence towers will have parking spaces provided within. Building

codes and safety laws have been relaxed quite recently, so we can do whatever we want and be creative about it.” Concerning parking issues during the construction of the towers, Castone tweeted, “Of course we can figure it out.” The announcement was confirmed on the official Twitter account of Residence life as well as on Tumblr, Soundcloud, and Spotify with the release of a new single rhyming the perks of the new initiative. General manager of Reslife, Mark Vinney, also announced the new update by re-tweeting and re-posting respectively, while former university lecturer, Professor Jarny John, criticized the effort in a dis-track dropped last night, citing the “not-so-large” number of students that attend school here and that “everyone’s a commuter, like, who is gonna live there.” Mr. Vinney then replied in a thirdround track and a barrage of Twitter posts saying that, “haters gon-

na hate, but like it or not, people want our space.” He goes on and later announces that the space to be created will not be reserved for NJIT students alone. “NJIT is a public university,” he wrote, “The new spaces will be open to the public and every millionaire and statesman will be welcome to lease our luxury rooms.” To students, he wrote, “this is a great opportunity to enhance the interactivity between our students and notable officials in New Jersey. Our students will now be able to network and live amongst successful individuals, and this surely will also attract many new students and potential life partners for these individuals alike.” To commemorate the demolition of the parking decks, the Student Activity Council has organized a block signing event where students who have successfully harvested a section of the building will get their chunks of concrete

signed by Mr. Vinney. “It's a beautiful thing to come,” said Vinney, concerning the upcoming signing event, “Students will now have my signature to look at every morning and that is something they should be excited about.” He continued, saying that “along with earning a valuable piece of furniture to stick in your dorm room, you will also have a concrete piece of history laying around that you can sell for a couple bucks.” Students are encouraged to send in their input on the matter by fax to a yet-to-be disclosed fax number. “They can send what they want and must believe that they are being heard--or read--I forget how fax works,” said Vinney. “What is important is that they send their input and they send it in by fax. All other means of communication will probably not be received.”

Congratulations Highlanders! Your prayers have been answered! All NJIT eateries are now getting a makeover. NJIT has decided to pair up with Michelin-Star chef, Gordan Ramsay, to give its students true ‘Gourmet Dining Services’. We are being told that the price range is not going to be adversely affected. As for now, a dinner at the campus dining hall costs $12 and the new plan is to keep the price under $25, which is very affordable considering the food quality and the fame of the chef. Meanwhile, the students are both very happy and very vocal about the decision. “I have never been able to eat at the Gordan Ramsay restaurant because I pay for college, but now it feels like it is possible!” “I have seen Gordan Ramsay make scrambled eggs and I cannot even make Ramen without making it too watery, so I am just plain excited that we are going to be getting with some real food!” “I hope that Gordan Ramsay comes before we

transition into his eatery and eat the food. I would pay to watch him critique the food”. Smashburger will remain on campus to maintain a balance, but we have reports that say that they are not too happy about the partnership. “NJIT partnering with Gordan Ramsay is harmful for business and we are evaluating how we are going to deal with the situation,” said an inside Smashburger source. There is talk that Smashburger is thinking of offering free milkshakes to any member of the faculty or student body if they participate in a protest against the partnership. Even though that sounds like a good offer, the students seem more excited about the Gordan Ramsay take-over. The transition is supposed to happen over the summer, so we suggest that you thoroughly cleanse your palette before coming for the next academic year. So long chicken tenders and fries, hello strips of chicken breasts and well-seasoned wedges.

s NJIT Eating Outlets to Recieve Major Revamp from Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay By Ujjwala Rai | Senior Staff Writer

"Wooooww," said celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay when asked.


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NJIT Student Loans Made Invisible to Benefit Student Mental Health

"You cannot see me," said NJIT student loans in a voice without a voice. By Name | Position

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______ _________ ____ ________________ _____ ________ ____ ____ ___ ___ ____ _____ ____ ___ ____ __________ ______ ____ _____ ______ ____ __ ___ ____ ___ ____ __ ____ _____ ____ ______________ ________ _ ____.

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__ __ _ _ ____ _ ____ ____ _ ________ ____ ____ ___ _______ ____ ________ _ ______ ___ _______ _ ____ ______ ______ __ ____ __ __ __ ____ _ __ _ _______ __ ______ _____ ____ ___ __ _________ _________ __ ____ ___ _____ _____ ___________ ______ ___ ________ __ ____ __ _____ ____ _ _______ __ ____ ___ ____

s Comrades of Honors 4th Floor Unite Against Freeloaders By Daniil Ivanov | Senior Staff Writer & Prem Naik | Senior Staff Writer Zane Nogueras, a first year Biomedical Engineering major, lives on the third floor of the Albert Dorman Honors College building, but every day he makes his way up to the fourth floor. “I just like the environment up here and the people are cool.” Nogueras said, “Oh, and also free stuff.” The fourth floor of the honors building is a new age commune; one in which sleep is far from a priority. When one lives on the fourth floor, it is evident that these residents are pioneers in an evolving living community . Its popularity brings in those like Zane, souls desperate for fun and liveliness in the city of Newark. Walking down the hall, boisterous laughter can be heard from each room, as people cherish the joy living on the floor brings. As one would expect from a commune, each of the rooms provide services for one another. Tea is always brewing at “Kayla’s Qualitea”, a few doors down from “Maria’s Dry Cleaning”. Bedient Taxi Service, the only car of this small commune, offers transport in a beige 2004 Nissan Sentra. At the end of the hall lies the nation-state’s research and development laboratory. No comment on the types of research being conducted was offered. Every night, the pioneers congregate within their lounge, offering all of their food and drinks to the people around as a movie is chosen for the night. But perhaps one of the most intriguing parts of this commune is the presence of the group who identify themselves as "The Sleepless Elite". These individuals make up a majority of the fourth floor and are extraordinary in their ability to function and be

productive without sleep. They greet the sun in the morning and continue to go to classes and have their work done on time. However, not all is perfect within the fourth floor commune. “The biggest issue on this floor,” a resident who preferred to be unnamed said, “is all of these people coming up from the third floor at night to eat and drink and watch our movies without offering anything in return. It’s going to be the death of this commune.” It is clear that no place is safe from the influence of others seeking to reap profits. However, the people of the fourth floor continue to carry the burden of entertaining their fellow Dorman and NJIT residents, offering laughter and entertainment in exchange for little but messes left behind. At one point, their whiteboard mimicked the poem New Colossus on the base of the Statue of Liberty, reading “Send up these, the funless, the boredom-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden floor!” An unknown resident erased the markings on the board, but the outline of where the words once stood can still be faintly seen. Many on the fourth floor are beginning to support services offered only to the commune residents as part of the “Make Fourth Floor Great Again” movement. Services like ironing, printing, and homework help have begun to separate themselves from others and are now catering only to commune members. This friction on the fourth floor is putting the honors college on edge, an issue that is projected to compound next semester when the commune members are split apart onto separate floors.

Joining

Senate Joining

WJTB Joining

SAC Joining

Nucleus

Joining

Vector


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News

Week of April 1, 2018

6

Students Lift Each Other Up Due to the lack of free weights in the new Wellness & Events Center, students have resorted to using each other for gainz.

Photos By Prasanna Tati | Editor-in-Chief

By Scott Rogust | Copy Editor

Pictured Above: Babatunde Ojo, fourth-year Business & Information Systems major and mouse whisperer, lifts Student Senate President Mark Neubauer. "Anything for the students!" said Neubauer. "Aaaargh!!" groaned the hulk-like Ojo. Ever since the opening of the Wellness and Events Center, students have been looking forward to using the new facility; either to play some soccer, shoot some hoops, or, more specifically, use the new gym center to get in a good workout. Those who are looking to build up their upper body strength however, have been left out. There are some bench press machines; however, there are no free weights. While many would give up and save bench presses for their local gym, NJIT students

would not let that deter them. Some may have heard of the saying, “lift each other.” Well, students are literally doing that. Lifting each other in place of the non-existent weights. “I found myself reaching a level of frustration, that I grabbed my friend and started using him, because I needed to do my 200lb dead-lifts” said Chad Smith, a second-year Applied Physics major. Others took note of what Chad did in the confines of the WEC and decided to follow suit. Why wait for someone else to get

done with weights, when you can just lift someone who weighs the same amount as your desired rep? “It makes my workout schedule flow much easier,” said Logan Allen, a fourth year Computer Science major. “All I have to do is scream out, ‘who weighs 175lbs,” and someone runs over like, ‘don’t worry, I gotchu fam.’” For students, it is the best of both worlds. The students working out are building their own self-esteem, as well as those being lifted. For the school, it is even better. Now, NJTI does not have

to spend extra money to purchase more free weights. Nobody from the NJIT faculty was available for comment. Many on the outside looking in would think that students would be getting hurt performing these exercises, that is not the case. There have been no injuries at the WEC, all thanks to the spotter system. Similar to spotting at any other gyms, but it ensures that both students are using proper form, as well as preventing possible injury. “While the easy solution for this

is to get more free weights for the gym, there really is no rush,” said Kiara Jones, a third year Biomedical Engineering major. “If the students are accomplishing their goals without anyone getting hurt, why stop the lifting?” Students might not be benching plates in the traditional sense, but the Highlander spirit is at an all-time high, all thanks to students physically lifting each other.


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How Phallic

Is NJIT? Unfortunately, the photos containing the phallic structures had to be blurred accordingly for publication.

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OPEN NOW Campus Center Lobby 11AM-8PM Mon-Fri. 11AM-5PM Sat.

From zesty pizzas to succulent garlic knots, we offer great food for low prices.


Register NOW for Summer Classes

• Full Session: May 21 - August 6 • Session I: May 21 - June 25 • Middle Session: May 21 - July 17 • Session II: July 2 - August 6

CATCH UP or JUMP AHEAD!

njit.edu/summer


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Opinion

On-Campus Opinion

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Not quite “Humans of NJIT.” Curated By Marwa Moustafa | Senior Staff Writer

What do you think of the school newspaper?

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Journalism | Third-Year "What do I think of the school newspaper? I think maybe I should be involved in it. You know being a journalism major and all. It's probably important."

Shravanthi Budhi Journalism | Second-Year

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"I'm sure it's great, but I don't have time to read it. If I did, I probably would like it."

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Prasanna Tati

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3

Babatunde Ojo

Cassidy Lavine

Steve Arciniega Castro

Journalism | Fourth-Year "I think the paper needs to cover more on-campus news, like the Makerspace. Like, I have no clue who can use the Makerspace and it's been out and complete for at least two or three months. They're not covering that!"

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Week of April 1, 2018

Journalism | Second-Year

Journalism | Third-Year

"I was having dinner with the Chancellor the other night, and he causally mentioned that, out of all the clubs, the Vector probably wasn't his favorite."

"Oh I love the Nucleus. Studio just gets so expensive you know? It's nice having a free weekly supply of paper for my projects."

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Left, Right & Middle By Adrian Wong |Senior Staff Writer

Liberals

By Akinlolu Aguda | Copy Editor

By Carmel Rafalowsky | Senior Staff Writer

Independent

Conservative

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o have breakfast and lunch, to have dinner, what is life? To boil water and beans, what is tea? What is it? What is things? Nursery rhymes are a good thing, we should bring them back to college. I sound like Donald Trump jumping from thought to thought and writing them down as they come. I wonder if Donald thinks just the way I do. I wonder if he thinks at all. Chill. I am an independent. Donald is conservative, right? We cannot think the same way. Also, we are two different people. I cannot think like him, he cannot think like me. What was I thinking, thinking that I could have been thinking like Donald Trump?... No one thinks like Donald Trump, except Donald Trump. Just like no one thinks like me except me... anyways, since this is an opinion piece and I am supposedly an independent, I should or will take this opportunity to talk about thinking like other people... thinking yourself in other people’s shoes... no one can think like you except you and this is something we should always keep in mind... you... the people reading this, not me, the person writing this... anyways it is something we should always keep in mind because, you know, we have to understand each other, so try to understand each other. And there, I think I wrote something that makes some sense. Forget the beginning, readers, I think that was just the beginning and like all beginnings, beginnings are rough. Well here's to the end. To the end. I remember we made coffee earlier, and coffee is life.. caffeine is life.. not tea. Forget tea.

iology. Mating. Sex. Who thought it was a good idea to pin the entire definition of “fitness” on the successful reproduction and bearing of offspring? I mean, there’s a lot more to fitness than sex: there is stretching, isolation exercises, kegels, intermittent fasting, the presidential fitness test, pilates, not giving into your exercise-induced asthma, core strength, kegels, MyFitnessPalTM, CrossFitTM, stamina, and—most importantly—leggings (they are not pants!!). And kegels. Did I mention kegels? Seriously, though—who decided to build an entire major on the study of sex and reproduction? Who thought this would be a good track to expose 18-yearolds to? It almost sounds like a prank or a practical joke devised by your older brother’s best friend mid-drinking game: “Okay, okay, I have got it—these kids are at the height of puberty, their hormones are raging, right? So let us subject them to all the temptation they can handle, build their degree around sex, and then see how many of them either, a) go on birth control; b) switch majors; or c) catch an STD by the end of the schoolyear. It is foolproof. One year of nonstop laughs, guaranteed.” It is just a prank, bro. It is just a prank. Good luck hitting that four-point-oh, though.

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ometimes conservatives can be the worst of people. One of the Right’s goals is to have defined countries. They think that for some reason, it is not a good idea to have secured borders and to regulate who enters or leaves their country. Someday, the world will be perfect and we will be one, flat plot of land. No borders, no curves, no heliocentrists; we will be one united Earth. It also boggles my mind how some people think the Earth is round. This can be disproven quite easily. If water is poured onto a watermelon, it will quickly fall off the edges. Water always tries to become flat but when put on a spherical object, water should fall off the edge. On the contrary, if water is poured onto a flat item, like a plate, the water will stay flat. This is evident when considering our oceans or catastrophic floods, such as the recent ones in Houston. Gravity has yet to be proven, which also hurts the heliocentrist opinion. Most educated individuals agree that gravity is probably nonexistent, and that density and buoyancy are the responsible factors in objects falling or rising. Within the next year or two, I would like to make a journey to the edge of the world. I expect to find the highly discussed ice wall, however I still am questioning what will be there. I understand the inherent risk of challenging the supreme leaders by doing this, but I feel I stand to gain some knowledge through my journey. Recently, it has been rather easy to see the shape of the Earth by ascending tall buildings. It is incredibly clear that there is no curve to the Earth at all… I cannot wait to wipe the smug smile off Elon Musk’s face when I finally reach the edge and can prove him wrong, once and for all. The Winnipeg Jets will win the Stanley Cup. They have elite weapons at every position and will defeat the Boston Bruins in 7 games. The series-winning goal will be scored by Patrik Laine. Mark Scheifele will win the Conn Smythe award as the MVP of the playoffs. The Chicago Blackhawks will win the draft lottery and people will complain that the league is rigged. The Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl over the Kansas City Chiefs. The score will be 24-13. Finally, Khabib Nurmagomedov and Alexander Gustafsson will finish 2018 as UFC Champions.

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This week's LRM is a stream of consciousness exercise to demonstrate, for those of you who are curious (probably all of the adults out there), what could possibly be going through students' minds at a given moment in time.


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THE SCALAR

Opinion

Twenty Minutes with

Mihaly the Mouse, Leader of the Campus Mice Community By Babatunde Ojo | Managing Editor

Mihaly is the current leader of the NJIT Mice Community. At three-and-a-half years old he has decided to speak on his experience living among the students. Interviewer: What is your role in the community? A: Squeak squeaky squeak squeak. Squeaky squeaky squeak squakey squakey squeak squeak. I: Wow, that is incredible. So, you have been the community leader since you were two years old and the community is roughly 370 strong? No wonder we see so many of you guys running around.

Interviewer: Interesting, so rooms or buildings with warmer rooms like GITC and Central King are usually where you stay at night. You mentioned something about the fourth floor of the Campus Center. Do you mind elaborating on that?

you mentioned you enjoy taking time out of your day to eat breakfast there before senators have their office hours. Interviewer: While we are on the topic of food, what is your favorite thing to eat at GDS?

difficult to maintain secrecy. I: Enough to feed the entire village for an entire week? Astounding. And mice communities at other colleges and universities struggle to find food as easily compared to NJIT? I guess your ancestors made the right choice back in the 70s. *Laughs*

Inter viewer : How did the community get to NJIT? Are there any rivalries between local mice communities?

M: Squeak squeaker, squeak squeaky squeaky. I: You have intro courses on trap maneuverability for newborns? So, the community has already adapted to the traps and urges NJIT to try harder. Who would have thought mice could be so daring! I: Any words you would like to share, from your community to the NJIT community as a whole? M: Squeak s q u e a k er squeaky s q u e a k s q u a k e y s q u a k e y squeak. *Nods*

M: Squeaky squeak squeak squeak. Inter viewer : The late 70s was when you migrated from Stevens Tech to NJIT? Any reason in particular? M: Squeaky‌ squeak squeaky. Squeak squeak. I: Ah so the reasoning for the migration was not passed down due to your mother falling to a sticky trap. I am very sorry to hear about that. My condolences. It is good to hear that you still communicate with your family at Stevens. I suppose the rivalry between the two schools is only between students.

I: How did your community respond to the mouse traps?

M: Squeaky squeaky squeak squeak squeak squeaky squeak squakey squakey squeak. I: The Student Senate office is the community’s favorite place to congregate because of the high humidity, aroma, and cookie crumbs on the floor? That is very interesting because before the interview

M: Squeak. Squeaky squeaky squeaky squeaky squeak. Interviewer: The muffins, and food scraps students leave literally all over the campus? Is it really that much?

M: *Laughs in mouse* Interviewer: So, the Campus Center basement is where you host your daily lunch and dinner meetings. What time are those meetings? M: Squeak squeaky?

M: Squeak squeak. Squeakey squeak squeaky. Squeaky squeaky.

I: Haha. Yes, you are right. If everyone knew it might be

I: The average life expectancy of a mouse is roughly four years; similar to how long it takes for a student to earn a Bachelors, I had no clue. So, you want the students to know that although time is short, there is so much to explore and learn while at NJIT and having close bonds with your fellow community members is what made you enjoy your time here. Well said Mihaly. I am sure your words reached the students.

Interviewer: Are there any plans to expand? Where do the majority of the Mice Troup stay?

I: Thank you for your time Mihaly. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. On the behalf of the NJIT community, we thank you.

M: Squeak squeaky squeak.

M: No, thank you.


VECTOR THE SCALAR

Entertainment The

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Week of April 1, 2018

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Sports

NJIT's Josh Allen is the Best QB Prospect Since Jamarcus Russell Despite football being NJIT's most neglected sport, here's why Allen is expected to be a shoo-in for the first round of the upcoming NFL draft... By Adrian Wong | Senior Staff Writer

Josh Allen is the most polarizing prospect in the NFL Draft and it is not even close. Allen is 6’5” and can allegedly palm a watermelon with his massive, 10 ⅛” hands. Furthermore, he looks good in shorts and has been recorded hitting the crossbar from 50 yards away while on his knees. To truly understand the ability of Allen, it is necessary to breakdown his game into the most fundamental components. Starting from the bottom up, Josh Allen has incredible footwork. Most would argue that quarterbacks should be able to plant their feet into the ground and dig in when pressure is coming. Josh Allen does just that, already displaying the footwork of Nick Foles or Christian Ponder. This excellent footwork, combined with his elite vision and quick acceleration makes him an above-average runner. Allen also possesses outstanding shoulders and is always able to square up to his throws. His passes are absolutely beautiful to watch when they are completed in a combine setting without

any defenders on the field. Allen can unofficially throw the ball one country mile, which has not been done by a prospect since JaMarcus Russell was selected first overall in 2007. In addition to his arm strength, Allen possesses the accuracy to throw dots to all levels of the field. The only recent prospect with better accuracy has been Christian Hackenberg. Perhaps most impressive a b o u t Allen is his

decision making. Josh Allen knew that he would benefit from being tall, so as a child, he made the decision to be 6’5” and to have 10-inch hands. He also displayed his decision making on the field when he realized that his arm was stronger than his punter’s leg and threw a league record, 15 arm-punts in a season. Most importantly, Allen is 6’5”, a height considered to be

unteachable. Tall quarterbacks have been incredibly successful in recent years with some, like 6’7” Brock Osweiler who secured a $72 million contract. Josh Allen’s critics generally cite the same points. Some argue that his stats weren’t impressive, however Mel Kiper Jr. excellently countered this point when he said, “Stats are for losers.” Allen is also criticized for playing

against weak competition and still not being able to produce. This is also irrelevant since he is tall and has huge hands. There simply has not been this combination of size and arm strength since JaMarcus Russell and this combo has always proven to be elite. This combo, along with Allen’s footwork, accuracy, and decision making, makes it easy to see that Josh Allen is best prospect since JaMarcus Russell.

6911 Career Rushing Yards 488 Career Touchdown Passes 71% Completion Percentage 117.3 Passer Rating 0 Sacks


[Movie starts with the 2004 Paramount Pictures and Nickelodeon Movies logos] [the titles read "Paramount Pictures Presents," "A Nickelodeon Movies Production," and "in association with United Plankton Pictures"] [Seagulls flying across they sky while the screen pans and the open credits start. We then see a pirate on a look-out post. He moves upwards to get a better look at something with his telescope. The screen then shows the view in the telescope of a pirate on a dinghy] Pirate on the Dinghy: [with a trunk] I got it! I got it! I got it! Look-out Post Pirate: [Squints] Dinghy ahoy. [He then looks down to tell someone something] Dinghy off the port bow. Dinghy off the port bow! Two Pirates: Dinghy off the port bow. Dinghy off the port bow! [off-screen] Dinghy off the port bow! One Pirate: Captain, dinghy off the... [He is slammed in the face by a door as the captain walks on deck] Captain: Dinghy. [Lets the pirate in the dinghy onto the ship, along with the trunk] Pirate Formerly on the Dinghy: I got it! I got it. Captain: Where is it? Pirate Formerly on the Dinghy: It's right here, captain. Captain: [Opens the trunk] I never thought I'd see it with me own eye. Tickets to The SpongeBob Movie! [The pirates cheer and they sail to the movie theater, singing the SpongeBob SquarePants Theme Song] Pirates: ♪Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants. Absorbent and yellow and porous is he? SpongeBob SquarePants. If nautical nonsense be something you wish? SpongeBob SquarePants. Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish? SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob Square-Pants. SpongeBob SquarePants. Sponge-Bob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. Sponge-Bob Square-Pants!♪ [The pirates hog the snack bar and get some popcorn. They rush into the theater room, where the movie starts] French Narrator: [We start out on the familiar Bikini Atoll Island.] Ah, the sea. So mysterious, so beautiful. So... uhh... wet. [The camera submerges underwater until it stops in front of the Krusty Krab.] Our story begins in Bikini Bottom's popular undersea eatery, the Krusty Krab restaurant, where... [The camera pans down into Bikini Bottom in front of the Krusty Krab] Police: Back off! Back off! [waves arms to back off at reporters/citizens] French Narrator: Hey, wait a minute. What is happening? [The screen pans out to show the Krusty Krab is surrounded by cops.] Mr. Krabs: Please settle down. [Referring to the Krusty Krab] We've got a situation in there. I'd rather not discuss 'till me manager gets here. Female Fish: [off-screen] Look, there he is. [A black boat with orange flames drives up; SpongeBob's leg, wearing a black boot with an orange snake on it in the shape of an "S," steps out of the vehicle when it is stopped, SpongeBob climbs out of the limousine. He walks toward the Krusty Krab and blows a bubble] SpongeBob: Talk to me, Krabs. Mr. Krabs: Oh. It started out as a simple order: a Krabby Patty with cheese. When the customer took a bite, no cheese! [he cries, but SpongeBob slaps him] SpongeBob: Get a hold of yourself, Eugene. I'm going in. [SpongeBob walks in and sees a fish, extremely nervous, looking at his Krabby Patty.] Take it easy, friend. I'm the manager of this establishment. [He puts a briefcase down on a table.] Everything's gonna be just fine. Phil: I'm really scared here, man. SpongeBob: [Opens the briefcase.] You got a name? Phil: [Nervously] Phil. SpongeBob: [Puts on gloves.] You got a family, Phil? [Phil chokes over his words, unable to speak. SpongeBob snaps.] Come on, Phil, stay with me. Let's hear about that family. Phil: I got a wife and two beautiful children. SpongeBob: [Puts on a headset from the briefcase.] That's what it's all about. I want you to do me a favor, Phil. Phil: What? SpongeBob: [SpongeBob picks a slice of cheese out from his briefcase with some tweezers.] Say "cheese." [SpongeBob dramatically and slowly attempts to put the cheese on the Krabby Patty. He then kicks the door open, Phil in his arms. The crowd gasps. The cheese on the Krabby Patty sparkles.] Order up. All [But SpongeBob]: [Cheer and then lift SpongeBob up on their shoulders.] Three cheers for the manager! Hip! Hip![Honk!] Hip! Hip![Honk!] Hip! Hip! [Honk!] [Honk continues from dream, the screen now shows SpongeBob in his bedroom. He turns off his honking foghorn alarm clock.] SpongeBob: Hooray! Gary! I had that dream again! And it’s finally going to come true! [He runs over to his calendar.] Today! Sorry about this calendar. [He tears off the calendar page for the day before to reveal "March 7." On the page, it has a picture of the Krusty Krab 2 with rainbows and hearts around it.] Because today is the grand-opening ceremony for The Krusty Krab 2, where Mr. Krabs will announce the new manager. Gary: Meow. SpongeBob: Who's it gonna be, Gary? Well, let's ask my wall of 374 consecutive employee-of-the-month awards. [Camera pulls up, revealing many "employee of the month" portraits] SpongeBob E.O.T.M Awards: SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: I'm ready. Promotion. [Goes into the walk-in shower, eats soap, inserts a hose in his head, and puffs up until soap comes out. SpongeBob then pulls out paper-like fabric, which he folds into his pants. The back springs off, revealing his rear, which he covers up. He blushes and walks offscreen sideways. Then he brushes his eyes with toothpaste and wipes off the foam] Cleanliness is next to manager-lines. [Goes outside and runs around in circles] I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion. [The scene is zooming to Squidward's house, and then cuts to Squidward in his bathroom] Squidward: ♪La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, La da dee, la da doo, la da dum.♪ Squidward and SpongeBob: [In unision] ♪La da dee, la da doo, la da dum,La da d...♪ Squidward: Huh? SpongeBob: ♪...ee, la da doo, la da dum, Bum Bum Bum, Da da da...♪ Squidward: [interrupts him, and covers himself ] SpongeBob! What are you doing in here? SpongeBob: I have to tell you something, Squidward. Squidward: Whatever it is, can't it wait until we get to work? SpongeBob: There's no shower at work. Squidward: What do you want? SpongeBob: I just wanted to say I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today. Squidward: Get out! [kicks him out the window] SpongeBob: Okay. see you at the ceremony. [Runs into Patrick, who comes out of his rock] Patrick: That sounds like the manager of the new Krusty Krab 2.[Realizes that he doesn't have his trunks on] Oops. Hold on.[Rock closes, with Patrick on it. Then it opens again] Congratulations, buddy. SpongeBob: Oh, thanks, Patrick. And tonight, after my big promotion, we're gonna party till we're purple. Patrick: Oh, I love being purple! SpongeBob: We're going to the place where all the action is. Patrick: You don't mean...? SpongeBob: Oh, I mean. SpongeBob and Patrick: Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat! [Rock closes up on them, and opens up a few seconds later. They now have Goofy Goober hats on, and a record begins playing on a record player beside Patrick] SpongeBob & Patrick: ♪Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober, yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!♪ SpongeBob: [Notices his watch] I'd better get going. I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion. Patrick: Good luck, SpongeBob. Hey, look for me at the ceremony. I got a little surprise for you. ♪I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah.♪ [Bounces away] [The scene cuts to a large crowd gathered in front of the Krusty Krab. Perch Perkins is on TV, reporting] Perch Perkins: Hello, Bikini Bottom! Perch Perkins here, coming to you live from in front of The Krusty Krab restaurant, for years the only place to get a delicious and mouthwatering Krabby Patty. Until today, that is. That's right, folks. Longtime owner Mr. Krabs is opening a new restaurant called The Krusty Krab 2. First of all, congratulations, Mr. Krabs. [Krabs has a big grin on his face] Mr. Krabs: Hello. I like money. Perch Perkins: What inspired you to build a second Krusty Krab right next door to the original? Mr. Krabs: Money. [Everyone laughs] [Plankton is watching the entire scenario out the window of the Chum Bucket] Plankton: Curses! It's not fair. Krabs is being interviewed by Perch Perkins, and I've never even had one customer! [the word "customer" is heard echoing in the kitchen. Plankton groans and moans while sweating] Karen: Don't get worked up again, Plankton, I just mopped the floors. Plankton: Oh, Karen, my computer wife, if only I could have managed to steal the secret to Krabs' success, the formula for the Krabby Patty. Then people would line up to eat at my restaurant. Lord knows I've tried. I've exhausted every evil plan in my filing cabinet...from A to Y. Karen: A to Y? Plankton: Yeah, A to Y. You know, the alphabet. Karen: What about Z? Plankton: Z? Karen: Z. The letter after Y. Plankton: [Searches through cabinet] W, X, Y, Z. Plan Z! Here it is, just like you said. Karen: Oh, boy. Plankton: [Suggestively] Oh! Oh! Ohhh! It's evil. It's diabolical. [Sniffs it] It's lemon-scented. This Plan Z can't possibly fail! [Goes outside] So enjoy today, Mr. Krabs, because by tomorrow, I'll have the formula. Then everyone will eat at the Chum Bucket, and I will rule the world! All hail Plankton. All hail Plank...! [SpongeBob runs by and unknowingly squashes him] Ow! SpongeBob: I'm ready,promotion... I'm ready,promotion... Plankton: [While being stepped on by SpongeBob]Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! SpongeBob: Eww, I think I stepped in something. [Tries to scrape Plankton off ] Plankton: Not in something, on someone, you twit! SpongeBob: Oh. Sorry, Plankton. [Looks at smeared Plankton and pulls him off his shoe] Are you on your way to the grand-opening ceremony? Plankton: [mockingly] No, I am not on my way over [mocks SpongeBob] to the grand-opening ceremony. I'm busy planning to rule the world! SpongeBob: Well, good luck with that. [Runs off ] I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion. Plankton: Stupid kid. [Later, Mr. Krabs is at a stand in front of the Krusty Krab 2. The crowd is still gathered there, seated] Mr. Krabs: Welcome. Welcome, everyone, to the grand opening of The Krusty Krab 2! Mrs. Puff: We paid $9 for this? Sandy: I paid $10! Mr. Krabs: Now, before we begin with the ribbon-cutting, I'd like to announce the name of our new manager. SpongeBob: Yay! Yeah! Yeah! Now we're talking! Yeah! Mr. Krabs: Yes. Well, anyway... The new manager is a loyal, hard-working employee. SpongeBob : [Thinking] Yes. Mr. Krabs: The obvious choice for the job. SpongeBob: [Thinking] He's right. Mr. Krabs: A name you all know. It starts with an S. SpongeBob: [Thinking] That's me. Mr. Krabs: Please welcome our new manager...Squidward Tentacles! [A banner falls with Squidward's face on it] SpongeBob: Yes! Yeah! [Shaking Squidward's hand] Oh, better luck next time, buddy. Yeah! All right! [Grabs the microphone] People of Bikini Bottom, as the manager of... Mr. Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Hold the phone, folks, I'm getting an important news flash from Mr. Krabs. Go ahead, Mr. K. [Mr. Krabs whispers into his ear.] I'm making a complete what of myself? [Mr. Krabs whispers again] The most embarrassing thing you've ever seen? [Mr. Krabs whispers a third time] And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone? Mr. Krabs: Oh, for crying out loud, SpongeBob! You didn't get the job! SpongeBob: What? Mr. Krabs: You... did not... get... the job. SpongeBob: But... But why? Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a great fry cook, but I gave the job to Squidward because being manager is a big responsibility. Well, let's face it, he's more... mature than you. SpongeBob: I'm not... mature? Mr. Krabs: Lad, I mean this in the nicest of ways, but there's a word for what you are, and that word is... now, let's see... Lenny: Dork? Mr. Krabs: No, wait, that's not right. Not a dork. Pearl: A goofball? Mr. Krabs: Closer, but no, no, no. Fred: A ding-a-ling. Jimmy: Wing nut. Mable: A Knucklehead McSpazatron! Mr. Krabs: OK, that's enough! Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man. Otherwise they'd call it "kid-ager." You understand-ager? I mean, you understand? SpongeBob: I guess so, Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? [SpongeBob walks away] SpongeBob [depressed]: I'm ready. Depression. I'm ready. Depression. Mr. Krabs: Poor kid. [Patrick appears flying on a banner naked with a "Go SpongeBob" flag in his butt] Patrick: Hooray for SpongeBob! Hooray for SpongeBob! [Patrick accidentally hits the stage which sets on fire. Everyone except for Patrick runs away] Patrick: Let's hear it for SpongeBob! Hello? Where'd everybody go? Did I miss something? Did you see my butt? French Narrator: Later that evening... [Later that evening, Plankton is traveling through the sky on his jetpack. He stops in front of a giant castle] Plankton: Time to put Plan Z into effect. Starting at the undersea castle of King Neptune. [Neptune is sitting in his throne by his daughter Mindy, who is sitting in another throne. Neptune hits the squire on the head with his trident] Squire: Oh, right. [clears throat] The royal court is now in session. Bring the prisoner forward. [Guards bring a small prisoner fish shaking nervously] Neptune: So, you have confessed to the crime of touching the king's crown? Prisoner: Yes, but... Neptune: But what?! Prisoner: But it's my job, Your Highness. I'm the royal crown polisher. Neptune: Well, then I guess I can't execute you. Twenty years in the dungeon it is. Mindy: Daddy! [Frees the crown polisher] You're free to go. Crown Polisher: Bless you, Princess Mindy. [runs away] Neptune: Mindy, how dare you defy me?! Mindy: Why do you have to be so mean? Neptune: I am the king. I must enforce the laws of the sea. Mindy: Father, I wish you'd try a little love and compassion instead of these harsh punishments. Squire: That would be nice. [Neptune hits him on the head with his trident] Neptune: Squire, clear the room. I wish to speak to my daughter alone. [Everyone except Neptune and Mindy leave. Neptune then shows Mindy his crown] What is this, Mindy? Mindy: Your crown? Neptune: And what does this crown do? Mindy: It covers your bald spot. Neptune: It's not bald! It's... thinning. This crown does much more than cover a slightly receding hairline. [Puts the crown on a pillow on a stool. While his back is turned, Plankton peeks out from behind the crown, snickering evilly] No, this crown entitles the one who wears it to be in charge of the sea. One day, you will wear this crown. Mindy: I'm gonna be bald?! Neptune: Thinning! Anyway, the point is, you won't wear it until you learn how to rule with an iron fist. Like your father. [He reaches for his crown, but puts the pillow on his head instead.] Mindy: Dad, your "crown"... Neptune: What the...? [Discovers that his crown is missing] My crown! Aah! Someone has stolen the royal crown! Plankton: [We see him leaving the castle with the crown] I got it. I got it! [He flies past Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat, which we get a view of inside. The bar is filled with people eating ice cream. Suddenly, a Goofy

Goober Clock speaks] Goofy Goober Clock: Hey, all you Goobers, it's time to say howdy to your favorite undersea peanut, Goofy Goober. Kids: Howdy, Goofy Goober! Goofy Goober: Hey, fellow Goofy Goobers. Time to sing. Goofy Goober: ♪Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober, yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah.♪ Goofy Goober and Kids: ♪Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!♪ [We then see SpongeBob sobbing at the Nut Bar] SpongeBob: All right. Get it together, old boy. I know. I'll just stop thinking about it. Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad. [Patrick walks up to him] Patrick: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager! [SpongeBob starts crying again] Wow, the pressure's already setting in. SpongeBob: No, Pat, you don't understand. I didn't get the promotion. Patrick: What? Why? SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs thinks I'm a kid. Patrick: [slapping his forehead] What?! That's insane! SpongeBob: I know. Patrick: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'm a kid! [Waiter walks up to him handing him a Goober Meal] Waiter: Here's your Goober Meal, sir. Patrick: I'm supposed to get a toy with this. [Waiter throws one at him] Thanks. SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm gonna head home, Pat. The celebration's off. Patrick: Are you sure? SpongeBob: Yeah. I'm not in a Goober mood. [he starts to walk away] Patrick: Okay, see you. Waiter: [hands Patrick a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise] And here's your Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, sir. [SpongeBob starts to walk back to Patrick] Patrick: Yum! SpongeBob: A Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those. Patrick: Now you're talking. Hey, waiter, we need another one over here. Waiter: [Handing SpongeBob one] There you go. SpongeBob: Ooh! [SpongeBob and Patrick gleefully eat rapidly and get ice cream on the waiter] Both: Buuurrrp! SpongeBob: Boy, Pat, that hit the spot. I'm feeling better already. Patrick: Yeah. SpongeBob: Waiter, let's get another round over here. [then the waiter gives them two more. They eat them and get more ice cream on the waiter] Oh, Mr. Waiter. Two more, please. [Then the waiter gives them two more] Both: Whoo! [they eat the sundaes and get even more ice cream on the waiter] SpongeBob: Waiter. [Then they eat two more. By this time, the waiter is covered in ice cream. We see Patrick finishing his ice cream] Oh, waiter. [singsong] Waiter. [slurring] Wai-toor. [yelling angrily and pounding on the table. The bowls are stacked sideways] Waiter! Waiter: [puts a scoop of ice cream on a sundae] Why do I always get the nuts? SpongeBob: [Up on stage holding a lollipop] All right, folks, this one goes out to my two bestest friends in the whole world: [We see Patrick and the Goofy Goober up on stage, too] Patrick and this big peanut guy. It's a little ditty called... Both: "Waiter!" [All three faint. The next morning, SpongeBob wakes up to find the waiter trying to get him up] Waiter: [To SpongeBob] Hey. Hey, get up. Hey, come on, buddy. I wanna go home. Come on, pal. SpongeBob: [After recovering] Oh, my head. [He looks drunk] Waiter: Listen to me. It's 8 in the morning. Go scrape up your friend and get going. SpongeBob: My friend? [Sees Patrick lying on the floor. He looks drunk, too] Patrick. Hey, what's up, buddy? [Then realizes something] Wait, you said 8:00. I'm late for work. Mr. Krabs is gonna be...[Disgustedly] Mr. Krabs. [At the Krusty Krab 2, Mr. Krabs is pinning the manager pin on Squidward's shirt. Then he pulls up a telescope to him] Mr. Krabs: Now, pay attention, Squidward. As new manager, you've gotta keep a sharp eye out for paying customers. [Looks through the telescope] Squidward: Yawn. Mr. Krabs: What's this? King Neptune is riding toward the Krusty Krab at lunchtime! He's got money! [Outside, King Neptune gets out of his coach and closes the door on Mindy] Neptune: Stay in the coach, daughter. [Gets out of the coach] This won't take long. Mindy: Daddy, please. I think you're overreacting. Neptune: Silence, Mindy. I know what I'm doing. [Turns around to leave, but bumps into the Krusty Krab sign pole] Ow! Squire! [The Squire, who was with them in the coach, pops onto the scene] Squire: Yes, Your Highness? Neptune: Have this pole executed at once. [Inside the Krusty Krab 2, Mr. Krabs is changing the price of the Krabby Patty] Squidward: A hundred and one dollars for a Krabby Patty? Mr. Krabs: With cheese, Mr. Squidward, with cheese. [Trumpet plays. Neptune comes into the Krusty Krab] Neptune: [To the customers] Greeting, subjects. I seek the one known as Eugene Krabs. May he present himself to me at once. Mr. Krabs: I'm Eugene Krabs, Your Highness. Would you like to order something? Neptune: [lightning flashes] Nay! I'm on to you, Krabs! You have stolen the royal crown, you cannot deny. For, clever as you are, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene of the crime. [Holds up a piece of paper and shows it to Krabs] Mr. Krabs: "I stole your crown. Signed, Eugene Krabs?!" [Eyes widen] Neptune: Relinquish the royal crown to me at once! Mr. Krabs: But... But this is crazy! I didn't do it! The Phone: [Plankton begins impersonating Mr. Krabs' voice] Ahoy, this is Eugene Krabs. Leave a message. Clay: [He impersonates another voice] Hi, Mr. Krabs. This is Clay, the guy you sold Neptune's crown to. Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown. [Mr. Krabs tries to stop the machine by breaking it but it continues to play]I sold it to a guy in Shell City, and I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown. [Mr. Krabs rips the phone from the cord, but the phone still works for a brief moment] Which is now in Shell City. Goodbye. Mr. Krabs: Heh, heh... Don't you just hate wrong numbers? Neptune: My crown is in the forbidden Shell City?! [Screams] [Outside, we see that Plankton is behind it, holding the phone] Plankton: Plan Z. I love Plan Z. King Neptune: [Continues screaming] Prepare to burn, Krabs. Mr. Krabs: [sobbing] Wait, Neptune! Please, I'm begging you! I ain't a crook! Ask anyone, they'll vouch for me! King Neptune: Very well, then. Before I turn this conniving crustacean into fishmeal, who here has anything to say about Eugene Krabs? SpongeBob: [SpongeBob is burping around and looking all drunk] I've got something to say about Mr. [burps] Krabs. Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, you've come just in time. Please, tell King Neptune all about me. SpongeBob: I have worked for Mr. Krabs for many years and always thought he was a great boss. Mr. Krabs: You see? A great boss. SpongeBob: [offscreen] I now realize that he's a great big jerk! I deserve that manager's job! But you didn't give it to me, because you say I'm a kid. Well, I am 100% man! And this man has got something to say to you. [blows a long raspberry] There, I think I made my point. King Neptune: Anyone else? No? Well, then. [Fires at Mr. Krabs] SpongeBob: Huh? Mr. Krabs: Ooh! Me pants are on fire! Me underwear's on fire! I'm on fire! [he dives into a bucket of water] Oh, yeah. King Neptune: And now, Eugene Krabs, [prepares to blast Mr. Krabs again] you... will... SpongeBob: Wait! I'm flattered you would do this on my account, but being manager isn't worth killing Mr. Krabs over. King Neptune: Quiet, fool! Mr. Krabs stole my crown, and now it's in Shell City. That's why he must die. SpongeBob: Doesn't it seem a little harsh to kill someone over a crown? King Neptune: You don't understand. My crown is a symbol of my kinglike authority. And between you and me... my hair is thinning a bit. SpongeBob: Oh, Your Highness, I'm sure it's not that noticeable...[King Neptune removes his paper bag covering the top of his head, revealing a huge bald spot that shines] Bald! Bald!}} [Everybody keeps on saying: Bald! Bald! Bald!] Fred: My eyes! King Neptune: [places the paper bag back on his head] All right, all right. SpongeBob: King Neptune, sir? Would you spare Mr. Krabs' life if I went to get your crown back? King Neptune: You, go to Shell City? [laughs] No one who's gone to Shell City has ever returned. What makes you think you could? You're just a kid. SpongeBob: But I'm not a kid. I can do it. King Neptune: Run along. I have a crab to cook. SpongeBob: No! I won't let you. King Neptune: Very well, then. I'll have to fry you both! Mindy: Daddy, stop it! Can't you get through one day without executing someone? King Neptune: Mindy, I told you to stay in the carriage. Mindy: Where's your love and compassion? [Holds SpongeBob] Look at this little guy. He's willing to risk his life to find your crown and save his boss. King Neptune: But, daughter, I... Mindy: Please, Father? At least let him try. What have you got to lose? Might I remind you of your special problem? [She removes the paper bag, once again revealing the shiny bald spot] All: Bald! Bald! Bald! Fred: My eyes! King Neptune: [places the paper bag back on his head] All right. Very well, Mindy. I'll give him a chance. But when your little champion fails to return, I get to splatter this crab all over the walls. Mr. Krabs: Huh? King Neptune: And as for you, be back here with my crown in exactly 10 days! [Patrick pops up] Patrick: He can do it in 9! King Neptune: 8! Patrick: 7! King Neptune: 6! SpongeBob & Mr. Krabs: Patrick! [They tackle him] King Neptune: Six it is, then. Patrick: [Being choked by Mr. Krabs] Fi--ve. SpongeBob: Patrick, shush! King Neptune: Until then, the crab shall remain frozen where he now stands! [He points his trident at Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs: No, wait! I'm begging you! [King Neptune freezes him] Squidward: Who turned on the AC? [gasps] Mr. Krabs! Oh, no, this is terrible! Who's gonna sign my paycheck? King Neptune: Come along, Mindy. Mindy: Listen, you guys, the road to Shell City is really dangerous. There's crooks, killers and monsters everywhere. And what's worse, there's a giant Cyclops [she imitates the Cyclops stomping] who guards the outskirts of the city and preys on innocent sea creatures. Don't let him catch you, because if he does, he'll take you back to his lair, and you'll never be seen again. [While Mindy is explaining, Patrick is staring at her] Patrick: She's pretty, SpongeBob. Mindy: Here, take this. SpongeBob: What's in here? [Opens bag and few winds blow at his face] Mindy: It's a magical bag of winds. I stole them from my father. Patrick: [To Mindy] You're hot. Mindy: Once you find the crown, open the bag of winds and you'll be blown back home. Neptune: [from outside] Mindy! Mindy: I'm coming. Good luck, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Wait. How did you know my name? Mindy: Oh, I'm gonna be queen of the sea one day. I've learned the names of all the sea creatures. Patrick: What's my name? Mindy: That's easy. You're Patrick Star. [Patrick's cheeks turn red and he blushes shyly from head to toe] Neptune: Mindy! Mindy: I gotta go. I believe in you guys. SpongeBob: Thanks, Mindy. [Now to Mr. Krabs] Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward and I... Squidward: Pass. [He walks out the door, and leaves his hat behind] SpongeBob: Patrick and I... Patrick: Hi. SpongeBob: ... are gonna get that crown back and save you from Neptune's wrath. You've got nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands. [Mr. Krabs turns his eyes and looks at them. They are drooling, and look very stupid. Mr. Krabs moans out of doubt] Patrick, let's go get that crown! [They run into a secret room under the Krusty Krab 2, and run into the Patty Wagon] SpongeBob: Feast your eyes, Patrick. Patrick: What is it? SpongeBob: The Patty Wagon. Mr. Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of its features. Sesame-seed finish, steel-belted pickles, grilled-leather interior. And under the hood, a fuel-injected frenchfryer with dual overhead grease traps. Patrick: Wow! SpongeBob: Yeah, wow! Patrick: Hey, I thought you didn't have a driver's license. SpongeBob: You don't need a license to drive a sandwich. [They start the engine, and crash through the side of the Krusty Krab 2, a word that says "KER-PATTY!" appears] SpongeBob and Patrick: Shell City, here we come! [Later, Plankton enters the Krusty Krab, looking satisfied with himself. Mr. Krabs is still there, frozen] Plankton: Ding-a-ling. Hey there, old buddy. [Sarcastically] Freeze. [laughs] One secret formula to go, please. No, no, don't trouble yourself. I'll get it. [goes into the kitchen and walks out with the bottle with the Formula inside it]Well, I'd like to hang around, but I've got Krabby Patties to make... over at the Chum Bucket. Plan Z, I love ya! [Mr. Krabs' tears fall to the ground as Plankton leaves] [The next scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick riding to a nearby gas station in the Patty Wagon] SpongeBob & Patrick: ♪Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober, yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!♪ [They stop at a gas station right before the country line. Past the county line, Bikini Bottom's beautiful landscape is replaced by barren locations. SpongeBob is wearing an aviator's outfit at the wheel and honks his horn to wake up the two hick gas station attendants, Floyd and Lloyd.] SpongeBob: Fill her up, please. Floyd: What'll it be, fellas? Mustard... or ketchup?! [Floyd and Lloyd slap their knees and crack up, rocking in their chairs.] Patrick: Are they laughing at us? SpongeBob: No, Patrick. They're laughing next to us. [Floyd and Lloyd continue to laugh as they advance towards the Patty Wagon. Then, Lloyd bends down and Floyd uses him for support.] Floyd: Where you two dumb kids headed, anyway? Patrick: Kids?! SpongeBob: Now, Patrick. For your information, we are not kids. We are men. And we're off to get King Neptune's crown in Shell City. Floyd and Lloyd: Shell City? Lloyd: Ain't that the place that's guarded by a killer Cyclops? SpongeBob: That's right. Floyd: Lloyd, take off your hat in respect. Respect for the dead! [The two "nyuk" and slap their knees again.] Floyd: You two dipsticks ain't gonna last 10 seconds over the county line! SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that. [He and Patrick get back into the Patty Wagon and pass the county line. A boat jacker stops them] Boat jacker: Out of the car, fellas. [SpongeBob and Patrick obey and the boat jacker drives off in the Patty Wagon] SpongeBob: How many seconds was that? Lloyd: [checks his watch] Twelve. SpongeBob and Patrick: In your face! [SpongeBob and Patrick slap their knees and laugh like Lloyd and Floyd, who don't seem to care. Patrick makes a loud noise with a blow horn.] SpongeBob: That's what I'm talking about. Yeah! Patrick: Who's the kid now? [SpongeBob runs around Patrick and flaps his arms like chicken wings as Patrick continues to honk the aerosol can.] Floyd: They're dead. [SpongeBob and Patrick continue their laughing as they walk down the road. They give each other a high-five, and Patrick honks his can once more.] [The scene changes to a crowd entering the Chum Bucket back in Bikini Bottom. Perch Perkins is in front, once again reporting on TV] Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here with an incredible news flash. Plankton is selling Krabby Patties at the Chum Bucket. How is this possible? Let's find

out. [He goes inside] [Inside, Plankton is watching his new customers] Plankton: Step right up. Plenty for everybody. Perch Perkins: Excuse me, Plankton. Perch Perkins, Bikini Bottom News. Can I get a minute? Plankton: Anything for you, Perch. Perch Perkins: All of Bikini Bottom wants to know, how did you get the Krabby Patty? Plankton: Well, Perch, before my dear friend Eugene Krabs was frozen by King Neptune... [voice breaking] I'm sorry. He confided in me a secret wish. "Sell the Krabby Patty in my absence at the Chum Bucket," he said. "Don't let the flame die out." [sobs] By the way, act now and you get a free Chum Bucket bucket helmet with every purchase. Here you go, Perch. [He plants a bucket helmet on his head] Perch Perkins: Thanks. Plankton: Bucket helmets for everyone! Man: [happily] My helmet! [Plankton enters his lab, where Karen is] Plankton: Karen, baby, I haven't felt this giddy since the day you agreed to be my wife. Karen: I never agreed. Plankton: Evil Plan Z is working perfectly. Nothing can stop me now! Karen: Nothing except SpongeBob and his pink friend. [Displays SpongeBob and Patrick on the road on her computer screen] My sensors indicate that they're going after the crown. If they make it back, Neptune might discover some fingerprints. Tiny fingerprints. Stubby, tiny fingerprints. [Plankton looks at his hands] Plankton: Evil Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I've already hired someone to take care of those two. He's a vicious, cold-blooded predator! [Miles away, we see a hitman wearing sunglasses traveling on his motorcycle down the road.] Dennis: [takes off sunglasses in another one] Sesame seed. Floyd: Hey, mister, does that hat take ten gallons? [The gas station attendants smack their knees and laugh more. Dennis, very annoyed, stomps up to them and tears their lips off. The hillbillies looks at each other as Dennis drives away.] [Meanwhile, an exhausted SpongeBob and Patrick crawl down the road, sweaty and tired, but still cheering. Patrick's blow horn stops working and he tosses it behind him.] Patrick: Going on. SpongeBob: Yeah! Moving on. Just keep going. Patrick: Yup. SpongeBob: Gonna get that crown. Patrick: Oh, yeah. All right. SpongeBob: Yeah. Victory. Patrick: Are we there yet? SpongeBob: We must be close by now...Patrick, look. [He points to a billboard and reads it.] We're doing great! Shell City's only five days away! [A leaf blocking part of the sign comes off, revealing 2 more words] Patrick: By car. SpongeBob: I wish we still had our car. Patrick: SpongeBob, look! Our car! [We see the Patty Wagon in front of a beat-up bar. SpongeBob and Patrick are about ready to get in the Patty Wagon, but SpongeBob notices that the key is missing] SpongeBob: The key! Patrick: Where do you think it is? [A fish is kicked through one of the Thug Tug windows and lands next to SpongeBob and Patrick, with many broken bones. His leg twitches. The two look through the broken window, and see thugs fighting, becoming drunk, and playing pool. The inside is a disaster. Everything is cracked or splintered, and the dim lights make everything look red. "R.I.P." is written in spray paint on a wall with a dead or knocked out fish below it. They see the Boat jacker playing pool with the key hooked onto his belt.] SpongeBob: There it is, Pat. The key! Now, how are we gonna get it? Patrick: I know. Walk in and ask him for it. Thug: [From inside.] What are you looking at? [Punching sounds and pain cries are heard] SpongeBob: Patrick, that's a terrible idea. Patrick: Sorry. SpongeBob: I know. I'll go in and create a distraction, and you get the key. Patrick: [Becomes cute] Ooh! Ooh! Wait!, I wanna do the distraction! SpongeBob: Okay...I guess it really doesn't matter who does the distraction. [Patrick puffs out his chest as he bursts through the swinging doors, while SpongeBob crawls underneath them. Patrick clears his throat.] Thug in background: You see me walkin' back?! Patrick: Ahem! Can I have everybody's attention? [Everyone clusters around Patrick with angry expressions, ready for a fight.] I have to use the bathroom. Boat jacker: [confusingly] It's, uhh...right over there. [He points behind him and notices SpongeBob reaching for his key. SpongeBob looks up at him for a second before scuffing around on the ground, searching for something.] SpongeBob: Stupid contacts. [He holds up an imaginary contact.] Oh, there it is. I better go wash it off. [Runs away] [Inside the restroom, Patrick is going to the bathroom. He finishes as SpongeBob comes in] SpongeBob: Patrick! You call that a distraction!? Patrick: [flushes the toilet.] I had to go to the bathroom. SpongeBob: Well, I got my hands dirty for nothing. [He pumps the soap dispenser, and the top is pushed off by pressure from bubbles forming inside of it.] Patrick, check it out! [He pumps more.] Patrick: Whoa. Both: Hooray! Bubble party! [Bubbles float all around the bathroom and ragtime music plays as SpongeBob and Patrick dance with bubbles. Patrick juggles them, as SpongeBob gives him more to juggle. Then, SpongeBob lays on his side and balances one on his foot. Patrick balances one on his head. But one bubble drifts out the door and into the pub. Victor, the bartender sees it.] Victor: Hey! Who blew this bubble?! [Victor punches it, and it pops.] You all know the rules! Everybody in the main area of the Thug Tug: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar. One Patron: [falling behind] ...bar. Victor: That's right! So who blew it?! [SpongeBob and Patrick frantically pop all of the bubbles] Victor: So... Nobody knows? Tough Guy #1: Maybe it was... Victor: Shut up! [Throws a chair at him] Somebody in here ain't a real man. [SpongeBob and Patrick attempt to sneak out, but Victor sees them.] You! We're on a baby hunt. And don't think we don't know how to weed 'em out. Now, everybody line up! DJ! Time for the test. [The DJ gives a thumbs-up to Victor and plays a CD.] No baby can resist singing along to this. [The Goofy Goober theme song plays] Patrick: [Nervously] SpongeBob, it's the Goofy Goober theme song. SpongeBob: [In a raspy voice] I know! [SpongeBob and Patrick try to resist to sing along] Goofy Goober: [On record] ♪Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober, yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!♪ [As the song goes on, Victor walks down the line to see the patron's responses to the songs.] Tough Guy #2: [coughs] Victor: It was you! You're the baby! Tough Guy #2: No, no! I only coughed, I swear! [Victor points with two fingers from his eyes to the thug's to show that he's watching him. Then, he walks on. Tough Guy #2 sighs in relief.] Victor: DJ! Turn it up louder! SpongeBob: [trying not to sing] Don't sing along, Patrick! Patrick: I'm trying. Trying so hard. [Victor notices his and SpongeBob's struggle and starts singing mockingly] Victor: ♪I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah! You're a Goofy Goober, yeah! We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah!♪ [SpongeBob and Patrick are about to sing... when some double-headed twins sing instead] Siamese Twins: ♪Goofy, goofy, goober, goobers, yeah!♪ Victor: [a disc scratch and the song stops. He laughs.] Well, well, well. Which one of you babies was it? Both of the twins: It was him. He did it. I've never even eaten at... ♪Goofy, goofy, goober, goobers, yeah!♪ [They cover each other's mouths.] Victor: Well, looks like we got ourselves a double baby! [The thugs surround the twins, crack their knuckles, and lunge at them in unison. SpongeBob and Patrick escape the Thug Tug.] SpongeBob: Man, that was a close call. Patrick: Guess what I got. [Pulls out the key] SpongeBob: The key! Shhh... [Cut to the Patty Wagon rolling down the street as it becomes night. Back in Bikini Bottom the next morning, Squidward is enjoying the time without SpongeBob] Squidward: Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here. [He laughs to himself and closes the window. Pan over to the side of his house, which opens like a garage door. Squidward comes out on a recumbent bicycle. He pedals down the road and past a fish wearing a Chum Bucket Bucket Helmet.] Nat: Morning. [Squidward notices he is wearing a Chum Bucket helmet] Squidward: Some people have no taste in headgear. [He stops at an intersection, and glances at a husband and wife with their baby in a stroller, showing it to another fish, who shakes a rattle at the giggling baby. All have helmets on.] Huh? Babies too? [He rides up to another person driving in her boat.] Excuse me, miss, but where is everybody getting that horrid headwear? Evelyn: [She looks around confused] Who said that? Squidward: Down here. Evelyn: [Finds Squidward] Oh! Well, I got it at the Chum Bucket. Plankton's giving them away free with every Krabby Patty. Squidward: Chum Bucket?... Free?... Krabby Patty?... Plankton?... Giving?... With? [At the Chum Bucket, Plankton is enjoying his day and watching his customers. Squidward bursts in] Squidward: So you're selling Krabby Patties, eh, Plankton? Plankton: That's right, Squidward. [Pulls out a helmet] And there's a free bucket helmet with every purchase. Care for one? Squidward: No. You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio. Plankton: And what's that supposed to mean? Squidward: It means you set up Mr. Krabs. You stole the crown so Neptune would freeze him and you could finally get your stubby little paws on the Krabby Patty formula. [Plankton looks at his hands] It was you all along. But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with my paycheck. And I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, King Neptune! Plankton: We'll see about that, Inspector Looselips. [laughs and presses a button on Karen] Karen: Now activating helmet brain-control devices. Squidward: Huh? What? [A satellite goes up on the Chum Bucket, causing the bucket helmets to start to control their wearers] Wearers of Helmets: All hail Plankton. Squidward: [Eyes widened] What's going on here? Plankton's Slaves [Wearers of Helmets]: All hail Plankton. Plankton: Seize him, slaves! Slaves: All hail Plankton. Squidward: I'm getting outta here! [Runs for the door, but more slaves burst in and corner him] Slaves: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. [Squidward, cornered, screams in horror as Plankton's slaves capture him] Plankton: [laughs evilly] Who can stop me now?! Who?! [Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are still traveling in the Patty Wagon. They are laughing at something Patrick has done] SpongeBob: Come on, Pat, one more time. Patrick: Okay. [Imitates Victor] We're on a baby hunt. And don't think we don't know how to weed 'em out. [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh] SpongeBob: Weed 'em out! Patrick: What a jerk. [They drive along a pile of skulls] SpongeBob: Whoa! The road's getting kinda bumpy here. Patrick: You know, SpongeBob, there's a lesson to be learned from all of this. SpongeBob: What's that, Patrick? Patrick: A bubble-blowing double baby doesn't belong out here in man's country. SpongeBob: Yeah. [Then realizes something] Wait. We blew that bubble. Doesn't that make us a bubble-blowing double baby? [Both think about this until he spots a free ice cream stand] Patrick: Hey look! Free ice cream! SpongeBob: Oh, boy! [heads the stand, oblivious to the piles of skulls surrounding him] Patrick: [Talks to a skull] How you doing? Wait a minute. [Patrick looks at his surroundings and looked worried] Wait a minute. SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Yeah? Patrick: Make mine a chocolate! SpongeBob: Got you covered. [To the old woman] Two, please. Old Woman: Certainly. You kids enjoy. [she takes out a fake ice cream] SpongeBob: Actually, we're men, lady, but thanks. [Gets bowl] Hey, Patrick, let's... [His hand is stuck on the bowl, which the old woman is still holding] You can let go now. I said, let go, please. [the bowl sticks to his hands like glue] What is this? What kind of old lady are you? [A huge frog fish comes out of the ground, revealing that the old woman was its tongue. When the frog fish is about to eat SpongeBob, he breaks lose and falls into the Patty Wagon] Patrick: Did you get the ice cream? [frog fish roars] SpongeBob: Step on it, Patrick! [Patrick drives the Patty Wagon at top speed away from the pursuing frogfish, losing the wagon's flag in the process, as he and SpongeBob scream] Dennis: [He arrives at The Thug Tug, and notices soap on SpongeBob's footprint. He unmasks himself ] Hmm... [He blows the soap, forming a bubble. Images of SpongeBob and Patrick giggling appear in it. Suddenly, all of the thugs appear] Victor: Hey! [Dennis turns around] You may not know it, cowboy, but we got a rule around here about blowing bubbles. [Snaps his fingers and all of the thugs say the rule] All Thugs: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every... able-bodied...patron... [The thugs trail off as Dennis punches Victor, who screams and flies into the Thug Tug. The Tug tilts back and quickly sinks. Dennis drives away as the Thugs watch in fear.] [Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick still fleeing from the frogfish] Old Woman: Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream. [SpongeBob and Patrick scream] I'll let you pet Mr. Whiskers. [A cat on a tongue is shown] Mr. Whiskers: Meow. SpongeBob: [He and Patrick scream at the cat] Jump for it, Patrick! [They jump out of the Patty Wagon, which the frog fish eats. It smiles but stops when a tongue grabs it. A gigantic eel eats the frog fish and slowly dives back in. SpongeBob and Patrick stare in disbelief ] Well, we lost our car again. Patrick: Never mind the car, where's the road? [echoes] Road, road, road, [the echo turns out to be Patrick repeating] road, road, road, road, [SpongeBob stares at him] r... Sorry. SpongeBob: There's the road. [The road is shown on the other side of the trench] On the other side of this [Looks down the trench in front of them] deep, dark... dangerous... Patrick: [after seeing a fire] Hazardous. SpongeBob: Hazardous... Patrick: [after seeing a tentacle and hearing a roar] Monster-infested. SpongeBob: Yeah, monster-infested... [Gulps] trench. Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look! [Shows SpongeBob a flight of stairs leading down] Here's the way down. Well, we're not gonna get the crown standing here. On to Shell City. [Patrick takes the first step and a monster growls. He is shocked at first but he proceeds to step on it over and over, making more growling sounds] Hey, look, it's making noise. SpongeBob? [Sees him about to leave] Hey, where are you going? SpongeBob: I'm going home, Patrick. Patrick: But what about Mr. Krabs? SpongeBob: What about us? We'll never survive in that trench. You said it yourself, this is man's country. And let's face it, Pat. We're just...kids. Patrick: We're not kids! SpongeBob: Open your eyes, Patrick! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream. We worship a dancing peanut, for corn's sake! We don't belong out here! Patrick: We do not worship him! SpongeBob: [Pulls down his shorts] You've been wearing the same Goofy Goober Peanut Party underpants for three years straight! [We see Patrick's underwear with the Goofy Goober pictures on it] What do you call that!? Patrick: Worship? [Gets tears in his eyes] You're right, SpongeBob. We are kids! [Runs off while sobbing then falls down] SpongeBob: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home. Mindy: But you can't go home! [SpongeBob and Patrick see Mindy riding a coach driven by seahorses] Spongebob: Mindy! Patrick: Mindy?! [Struggles to put his shorts on] SpongeBob: How much did you hear? Mindy: I heard enough.

Patrick: Did you see my underwear? Mindy: No, Patrick. Patrick: [About to pull down is shorts] Did you want to? Mindy: Look, guys, you may be kids, but you're the only ones left who can get that crown. SpongeBob: What do you mean, the only ones left? Mindy: Things have gotten a lot worse since you left Bikini Bottom. [Pulls out a magical clam, which opens up revealing Bikini Bottom now] Or should I say, Planktopolis. Slaves: All hail Plankton. Plankton: [Holding a whip] No resting! This monument celebrating my glory isn't gonna build itself. Move faster! SpongeBob: Oh, my gosh! Patrick, look! Plankton's turned everyone we know into slaves. [We see what everyone is doing work for Plankton] Squidward, Sandy, Mrs. Puff, [SpongeBob gasps] even Gary. Gary: Meow Plankton. SpongeBob: Can't your father do something? Mindy: My father's too distracted by his bald spot to do anything. [The magical clam shows Neptune's bald spot about to be sprayed by the Squire with hair growth spray] Neptune: Squire, will you hurry? [The Squire is nervous. He closes his eyes and accidentally sprays Neptune's eyes, which grow hair. Neptune screams in pain] Mindy: [She closes the clam] So you see, you can't quit. The fate of Bikini Bottom rests in your hands. SpongeBob: But... But we're just... Mindy: Hey. It doesn't matter if you're kids. What's so wrong with being a kid, anyway? Kids rule! You don't need to be a man to do this. You just gotta believe in yourself. You just gotta believe! [Swims up into the sky, then comes back down] SpongeBob: I believe. Mindy: That's the spirit! SpongeBob: I believe that...everybody I know is a goner! [He and Patrick begin sobbing] Mindy: Come on, guys. [They don't stop] Guys... [They still don't stop] Guys? [they both spray tears to each other's mouths] Ew! Narrator: Meanwhile. [Dennis is next scene crashing threw a bunch of skulls and laughs and one skull becomes a skull-and-crossbones symbol. Scene cuts back to Mindy] [Spongebob and Patrick are now rocking and sucking their thumbs like babies] Mindy: Guys? [No answer] Oh, boy. Think, Mindy, think. [Then she comes up with an idea] Yup, I guess you're right. [SpongeBob and Patrick look at Mindy] A couple of kids could never survive this journey. [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other and they cry again] That's why I guess I'll just have to turn you into men. [SpongeBob and Patrick stop crying] SpongeBob: You can do that? How? Mindy: With my mermaid magic Horses: [neighing, subtitles read: "Mermaid Magic?" Mindy shushes] SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Patrick? She'll use her mermaid magic to turn us into men! SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray! [Singing] We're gonna be men! We're gonna be men! We're gonna be men! Mindy: Good. Now, let's get started. Close your eyes. SpongeBob: [He and Patrick close their eyes] Are we men yet? Mindy: Not yet. Uhhh... spin around three times. SpongeBob: [He and Patrick spin like doing ballet] I think it's working. Mindy: Good. Now, keep your eyes shut. [Grabs two blades of seaweed] With my mermaid magic and my one tailfin [Patrick giggles. Mindy puts the seaweeds onto SpongeBob and Patrick], I command the two of you to turn into men! Open your eyes. SpongeBob: [He and Patrick open their eyes] I don't feel any... [Notices that Patrick has a "mustache"] Oh, my gosh, Patrick, you have a mustache! Patrick: So do you! SpongeBob: Wow. [He and Patrick play with each other's "mustaches"] Mindy: So now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City? [SpongeBob and Patrick still adore their "mustaches"] Guys! SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah? Mindy: I said, now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City? SpongeBob and Patrick: Heck, yeah! Mindy: Are men afraid of anything? SpongeBob and Patrick: Heck, no! Mindy: And why? SpongeBob and Patrick: Because we're invincible! [Jump off trench] Yeah! Mindy: I never said that! [As they fall, SpongeBob and Patrick do tough moves] SpongeBob: [Realizes something] Patrick? Patrick: Yeah, buddy? SpongeBob: Why did we jump over the edge instead of taking the stairs? Patrick: Bec... well... [They scream after realizing they are falling] SpongeBob: [A branch catches them and stops them from falling and they land safely on the ground. SpongeBob stops screaming but Patrick continues screaming] Patrick. Patrick: [Stops screaming] Huh. Are we dead? SpongeBob No, far from it, my friend. We're safe and sound at the bottom of this trench. [We see roaring monsters around the trench] Patrick: The mustaches worked! SpongeBob: Do you know what that means? [He and Patrick stand up] We are invincible! SpongeBob & Patrick: ♪Now that we're men, we can do anything.♪ [An eel flips them in the sky and is about to eat them] ♪Now that we're men, we are invincible.♪ [A squid catches them but crashes in a tall piece of coral] ♪Now that we're men, we'll go to Shell City,♪ [they slide down the coral and fly across 3 slow monsters. They then fall in a see-through fish]♪ get the crown, save the town, and Mr. Krabs.♪ [They walk out of the end of its gut. The fish closes it] ♪Now that we're men,♪ [walking between sea urchins] SpongeBob: ♪We have facial hair.♪ SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Now that we're men,♪ Patrick: [An urchin rips Patrick's shorts off ] ♪I change my underwear.♪ SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Now that we're men, we've got a manly flair.♪ [walking over volcanoes that switch on and off ] ♪We've got the stuff. We're tough enough to save the day.♪ [playing hopscotch over lava rocks] ♪We never had a chance when we were kids. No! No! No!♪ [They dodge a monster's head, a green hand and a monstrous boulder] ♪But take a look at what the mermaid did.♪ [They dodge a giant green crab who can't even get a chance to pinch them] ♪Ha! Ha! Ha!♪ [They walk onto a road which turns out to be a big, blue, one-eyed angler fish's fin. The two begin dancing and slapping their bodies] SpongeBob: Yeah, go, Pat. [a green 3-eyed fish and a red squid appears with the purple one-eyed angler fish. While SpongeBob and Patrick continue slapping their bodies and legs, the green 3-eyed fish beckons a big orange fish, a purple lobster/dragon, a green one eyed monster with 3 arms on its head, a snail with its eyes on its shell, a big yellow monster with an eye on a stalk and a clam with one eye in its mouth] Patrick: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. SpongeBob: Oh yeah. Patrick: Yeah, go SpongeBob. [They both finish by touching the tip of their toes] Ah! Monsters: Hooray! ♪Now that they're men, We can't bother them. Now that they're men, they have become our friends. Now that they're men, there'll be a happy end. They'll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown. They'll pass the test♪ [they slap their bodies] ♪and finish the quest.♪ [and again] ♪They'll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown!♪ [The group happily reaches the top of a trench as SpongeBob notices a sign] SpongeBob: "Shell City, dead ahead." We did it, Pat! We made it past everything! Even the hideous, disgusting monsters. Monsters: Huh? Aww. [They begin to walk away. SpongeBob notices] SpongeBob: Not you guys. You guys are awesome! [Monsters just keep walking] Well, Patrick, we m N w w m Th D m D w w w m D N m D m m Th m m m m w w w w m w m D m m w m w m m D w w m w w Th w D O w Th w m H m m w m m m D W D w D

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Vol. XCIV Issue 10  
Vol. XCIV Issue 10  
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