The MQ Volume 20 Issue 1

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“I was never really good at anything, except for the ability to learn.”

— Alex Trebek

Hey, what’s up — oh, it’s just you.

September 24, 2013

Record Low 300 Freshmen Die Training for UnOlympics

Volume XX Issue I

IN THIS ISSUE LETTER FROM THE CHANCELLOR

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CATROOMBA™

4

GUIDE TO PARTYING

6, 7

GRAFFITI HALL RENOVATED TEMPORARY QUADRUPLE DORMS

8 10

NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Even with the high death rate, freshmen are still finding on-campus housing accommodations cramped.

BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM

Staff Writer he Office of the Chancellor was pleased to announce this week that a new gold standard for student event safety has been set by this year’s UnOlympics competition with a mere 300 related deaths, only a small fraction of which were considered inhumane or excessive.

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“This year’s games really proved that students can have a bloody fun time while still being safe,” said Vice Chancellor of Campus Safety Wilfred Hayes. According to Hayes, the school has been well within the federal limits on student homicide for nearly a decade now, but nonetheless this year has seen a marked improvement.

“Most of the deaths were only

tangentially related to the event, anyway, and don’t really count,” said Hayes. “And these numbers are nothing next to death rates from common student activities such as bombing tests and throwing killer parties.”

Parents of students slain during the competition are understandably shaken, but largely relieved that not more people were hurt. “I’m just

thankful that my daughter went doing what she loved most,” said one mourning mother. “Wearing a stupid costume and twerking.”

Common causes of death during the training period for the UnOlympics have included dehydration, heat exhaustion, and complications

See UNOLYMPICS, page 2

Netflix Subscriber Battles “Teen Wolf” Addiction

BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL, GARRETT CHAN, AND ALLIE KIEKHOFER

Design Editor, Managing Editor, and Editor-in-Chief

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iting a lack of interest in Welcome Week activities and a desire to celebrate finally getting ResNet to work, UCSD freshman Liz Chen, 18, began watching the MTV series “Teen Wolf” and did not get up for the next 17 and a half hours.

Chen reportedly took a seat at her dorm room table to eat breakfast at 8 a.m., turning on her laptop to update her LinkedIn and browse Craigslist for surveys she could take to win gift cards. However, the open tab labeled “Netflix” caught her eye within seconds.

“It was like, like I wasn’t sure what I was doing,” Chen said. “I knew that my LinkedIn needed a profile pic, and I was going to ask my friend Ashley to take a good headshot, but I just had to click on that tab first.”

Chen said that she was immediately drawn to “Teen Wolf” because of its unique hybrid take on adolescent desire and supernatural creatures.

“That just hasn’t been done before,” Chen said.

Chen reported that she binge-watched all 17 hours of footage that comprise the first two seasons in a single day, saving time by bringing her laptop into the bathroom and shower with her and “skipping to the hot parts — ­ I mean important plot points,” she said.

“I won’t lie to you — the first three episodes were hard to get through. The teen angst and pining were just not my thing. Plus, lacrosse? Canada

CATHOLIC CHURCH NO LONGER OBSESSED WITH TORRID HOMOSEXUAL LOVE-MAKING Breaking with centuries of traditional papal doctrine, Pope Francis declared the the Catholic Church had become too focused on its standpoint on homosexuality, and that he no longer cared if two men or two women decided to “lie with each other, because, frankly, the Church has done much worse with its clothes on.”

Certain officials in the Catholic Church were not so pleased, however, citing Catholicism’s historical adherence to deliberately glacial change.

“The Great Schism, the Heliocentric Theory — we’ve never been really able to accept that the Church could

be wrong,” one Vatican official said. “So if you think you can rush us on this one, you’re as wrong as we were for judging the gays in the first place.”

Gay Catholics were happy to hear the news, including Boston resident Dave Kearny, who said, “I’m so glad the Pope is changing the way the church its members.

I definitely prefer indifference over actual disapproval.

Sex with my husband is a lot more gratifying that way.”

Kearny then added, “Now, if I could just get everyone else in my community to stop caring that I’m diddling a guy, all would be right in the world.”

PARENT DROPS CHILD OFF AT COLLEGE, LIBERATES SELF

You judge now, but look at Tyler Posey’s jawline. Who can resist that hunk? can keep its national sport, for all I care.

“I never really got into Scott or Allison, since the new girl trope is just done too often, but Stiles and Derek, man, are they hot. Derek needs to have his shirt off, like, now, and Stiles needs to take that never ending chatter to bed, if you know what I mean.”

Chen said she was close to giving up on the show until midway through the fourth episode, when Derek is shot and, as a result, removes his shirt.

“I didn’t realize that he was dying or anything ‘til I read the summary on Wikipedia later on,” Chen said. “All that mattered was his skin. So much skin. And abs and chest and holy crap, is that a back tattoo? I’m dead,” she continued before wiping sweat from her brow and excusing herself to “get some water.”

“Of course, I’m glad that

ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED Charged with battery

Scott found the bullet and everything so Derek didn’t die. I don’t know if I could have kept on watching without the enticement of more shirtlessness.”

Chen was reportedly seen rewinding episode five to watch Derek’s shirtless workout scene over 20 times in an hour.

Chen’s commitment to the show has led her to give up other goals for her first quarter at UCSD, such as learning yoga and meeting her roommates.

“Watching ‘Teen Wolf’ is a full-time job,” Chen said.

“There’s so much theory behind it. All of the werewolf lore is interesting, especially in its comparison to other shows and modern interpretations. And the plot twists are amazing.”

Chen says that she tends to predict important plot points before they are revealed. “I knew that the alpha must have been Peter from the moment he moved his finger in episode

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

six. The uncanny healing abilities of werewolves would have made it impossible for Peter to remain in his burned, unresponsive state for that long.

“I just wish Derek had taken his shirt off more in that episode,” Chen added, as she longingly stared into the distance.

Chen says that in an attempt to integrate “Teen Wolf” more fully into her life, she has begun writing grammatically incorrect and canonically divergent fan fiction, with pieces titled “Derek’s Special Package,” “Mooning Over You(r Ass),” and “Sterek Sex (PWP with a horrible title, but I’m just so uncreative and it’s 3 a.m.).”

At press time, Chen was observed hunched over her computer, typing and muttering something about a “saline tasting deluge” and wondering if the term “thick bratwurst” was a character-appropriate euphemism.

INTROSPECTIVE HIDEAND-SEEKER REALIZES HE’S PLAYING ALONE Just trying to find himself

Sources confirmed that Willy Liu, 48, dropped off his daughter Stephanie at Revelle College Saturday morning, marking the first time in 18 years that he has had “the energy to consider doing something for myself.”

“I’m going to start writing again,” Liu said, referring to his many half-hearted attempts at his mystery series, “Corbin Steel: Street Detective.” He was regularly interrupted by Stephanie’s Saturday piano lessons, Sunday Chinese school, and Monday morning “bouts of general teenage angst.”

Liu admitted that while he truly loves his daughter, he feels that she held him back from pursuing his interests. “I love her very much and unconditionally, but I love writing thrilling chase scenes for Corbin almost as much. Especially on Mondays.”

Stephanie Liu was happy for her father’s newfound “freedom.” However, she was certain that he would most likely return every two weeks to ensure that she was studying hard, and that this would continue until she entered medical school.

ECO-FRIENDLY NEW GOLD IPHONE 5S RECYCLED FROM PRICELESS GOLD ARTIFACTS In an effort to cut costs and reduce their carbon footprint, smartphone pioneer Apple unearthed countless precious gold artifacts of ancient civilizations to manufacture the new iPhone 5S. During Apple’s heavily anticipated press conference, CEO Tim Cook explained the revolutionary process by which the gold iPhone minimizes the tech giant’s impact on ecosystems around the world.

“Instead of mining ores straight from the source, we repurposed gold reserves from museums and remains of lost cultures,” said the executive. “Treasures including King Tutankhamun’s tomb, medieval Danish goblets, and Atahualpa’s lost Incan

gold, which were recently discovered thanks to Apple Maps, were melted to create the 100 percent environmentally sustainable gold iPhone with ethically sourced components without the consequences of the Midas touch,” he continued.

Despite rumors that some of the recycled gold artifacts still carry curses placed on anyone who disturbed the tombs of ancient monarchs, early consumer reports on Apple’s latest installment have been widely positive.

Gold iPhone user Julie Cho was enthusiastic about her recent purchase. “Wow, I finally own a piece of cultural history,” said Cho, as a gray malaise began to cloud the whites of her eyes.

theMQ.org

Page 2

September 24, 2013

Students Doubt Ice Cream Qualified to Lead UC System

Shooting down our hopes of a competent school system wasn’t enough.

BY TREV MALONE Publicity Manager

F

ollowing the appointment of Janet Napolitano as president of the University of California this summer, controversy has arisen throughout the 10-campus system over not only Napolitano’s identity, but in addition, the standards of qualification required to be appointment to the position. Many have argued that the position might be better suited to a living human than to what appears to be either an ice cream flavor or a 19thcentury French monarch.

“As a student, if I can’t even discern who’s running our school, let alone if that person is competent to fill the position, that is a scary thing,” UC Merced senior Tyler Brown commented. Concerns similar to Brown’s have become common among students and faculty members following the appointment of the famed French general, or perhaps three-flavor frozen dessert, as president this past July.

This move has left many students confused over what qualifications — popularity aside — made the ice cream flavor eligible to oversee

200,000 students’ education.

UCSD sophomore Cindy Lin is one of a growing number of students and faculty who are less than enthused about Napolitano’s appointment.

“We get it — you’re vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry — but despite that, I just don’t know how you are going to help keep my tuition down,” Lin said. “I just don’t understand how an entity that cannot read or speak was the best possible option for president — and to think I complained about [former UC president and live person Mark] Yudof.”

The UC system, in an attempt to identify its president, created an emergency committee, led by linguistics expert Joseph Smalls, to conduct research in an attempt to trace Napolitano’s origins.

“We are not ruling out any possible options,” Smalls said. “We currently suspect there may be some connection to the city of Naples, Italy — you know, Napolitano.”

Italian Prime Minister Enrico Letta has been contacted to see if Naples has, in fact, taken a stake in the UC system; however, no responses have been made to date.

Smalls’ research team also suggested Napolitano might

linked to what an anonymous informant called “that Napolitano Dynamite guy.” In response to the anonymous tip, which brought about concerns over the entry of weapons into the UC system, Smalls’ team opened an additional department, hiring explosives expert David Hiram to look for ties between Napolitano and incendiary devices.

Outcry over the appointment has increased, as organized protest groups like “Send Napolitano Back to Baskin Robbins,” “NO on NapolitaNO,” and “Take Our Tuition Dollars Out Of Late 1700s Military Strategy” have become popular outlets for students and faculty alike to express their opinion concerning the controversial move by the UC system.

While Napolitano has been criticized, especially for her involvement in the French Revolution, she is not without support.

“The fact that she’s not only vanilla, but also chocolate and strawberry, highlights her versatility as a leader — it showcases her ability to meet the variety of needs from a system as diverse as the University of California,” UCLA sociology

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

professor Lisa Franklin said.

“She has experience cooling people off on a sunny California afternoon or leading French troops into armed conflict — and overcoming her short stature at that — and I feel that her unparalleled experience brings a new, much-needed perspective to the table.”

Although Napolitano has no documented experience in education, she showed strategic prowess during her leadership at the 1805 Battle of Austerlitz, an event her supporters have emphasized in an effort to dissuade opposition.

Upon Googling Napolitano’s name, Smalls and his team learned that she was actually a former head of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, not an ice cream flavor, iconic character played by Jon Heder in a 2004 cult comedy film, or a general in the French Revolution, as previously believed.

“At the end of the day, I’m glad we figured out who she was — after all, that was our job,” Smalls said. “But there is a bigger concern — even if we do know who she is, what on her resume qualifies her to helm an institute of higher education?”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

UnOlympics

from dance-related injuries.

Students have also often been known to avert their gazes so violently away from HAs urging them to join in with dance practice that they break their own necks. There was a slight spike in fatalities due to wild animal attacks with Muir College’s “Lion King” theming last year, but this year’s “Avatar” motif seems to have ushered in more stonings, drownings, immolations and fatal gusts of wind than in previous years.

School officials have implemented an ambitious response to these issues by littering the campus with water bottles and first aid kits as well as providing free workshops on not dying.

Yet many have expressed the sentiment that the school’s tenacious pursuit of safety regulation is killing a longlived tradition and weakening school spirit. “Back in my day, I could walk around campus during the first week and see all my peers practicing their synchronized dance routines, not like all these pansy asses you’ve

got today,” said local geezer and UCSD alumni Jeb Jamerson. “So a couple hundred kids died. So what? Those were the ones who probably would have been weeded out by O-Chem anyway.”

But there are a surprisingly large number of students coming out in favor of the prevention of student slayings.

Georgia Hudson, a sophomore sociology student who was forced to watch while nearly all of her close friends get tortured to death, says she “somewhat agrees” with the school’s introduction of more safety measures. “It’s just that I got these bloodstains on my shoes from the puddles all over campus last year. Is it too much to ask people to clean up after themselves?”

Hayes assures that the school will maintain its record of UnOlympics safety in the future.

“Frankly, anyone who thinks there will be more student fatalities next year is dead wrong.”

TOP TEN

New Features of the iPhone 5S 10. Now with the letter “S” in the product name 9. Allows you to be super shitty to people who still use older iPhone models 8. Makes you believe waiting two days in line to get one was worth it 7. Nostalgia for the days of Steve Jobs 6. Faster processing speed, thanks to removal of phone capabilities 5. Screen cracks immediately upon touch 4. New and improved autocorrect, guaranteed to duck up every interaction 3. Knows at least 40 digits of pi 2. Preloaded trailer for iPhone 6 1. Doesn’t matter, you’re going to buy it anyway Help us design.

Tuesdays. 6pm.

Half Dome.

K ERN I NG

Editor-in-Chief...........................Allie Kiekhofer Managing Editor..........................Garrett Chan Content Editor.................................Kevin Chu Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Associate Graphics Editor..............Sora Chee Copy Editor............................Andrew Deneris

InDesign? We use Open Office.

What’s a grid?

We use Comic Sans

Business Editor..............................Avi Kabani Web Editor..................................Connor Brew Publicity Chair..............................Trev Malone Social Chair............................Hilary Morefield MQ Dad...............................Bora Buyuktimkin Foreign Correspondent..............Wesley Chan Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Dylan Blackie Connor Brew Garrett Chan Hillary Chan Wesley Chan Sora Chee Rosa Cho

Kevin Chu Angelique DeCastro Andrew Deneris James Dohleman Dylan Everingham Jeffery Filice Ryan Gibbs

Alison Gilchrist Avi Kabani Allie Kiekhofer Kyle Koerber Trev Malone Hilary Morefield Audrey Olson

Elizabeth O’Neil Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Kyle Somers Cole Steffensen Howard Wang Katherine Wood

Booster Club Where is everybody?

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. Some EICs end their year with a sappy ed note; I’m going to start my year with one. I learned a lot this production: not to run all the content on Thursday and Friday, not to leave all the graphics for the weekend, that tiny miscommunications can lead to big , gaping holes on pages. But everyone had my — and each other’s — backs.

Kevin wrote more content than I ever did last year. Dylan, Cole and Hillary were cheery, helpful and funnier than ever. Garrett kept tabs on everything, even on his birthday. Andrew and Hilmo (Mofo) were incredibly patient. Sora pulled off training people and churning out graphics at top speeds. Ryan remained calm in the face of confusion. I owe Elizabeth a back rub for managing to pull off a killer design in the face of a missing feature and crazy timing, all while smiling and telling me animal sex facts I never want to hear again. This is going to be a great year, and it’s because of all of you guys. Can’t wait to meet some more of you.

Thanks to Hillary and Sora for the cheese, sauce, and bread, Kevin for skillfully using Takis to lure a crowd to production, Monica and Brian for encouragement and fliers, Cody for bacon cheese (and bologna and cream cheese, I guess), Elizabeth for Mike and Ikes, Garrett and Bora for sharing giving us an excuse to eat mostly cake and cupcakes for two days. Thanks to Rebecca and Catherine for chilling with us before school even started — you guys are pretty legit. And thanks Andrew for buying soda to replace the crappy stuff I brought. I’m sorry you all had to drink so much Dr Pepper Ten.

theMQ.org

September 24, 2013

Page 3

Letter From the Chancellor “Sorry We Suck!”

D

ear Students of UC San Diego,

To all our returners: Wow! I really can’t believe you decided to come back. You really are some of the smartest masochists around. To our newcomers: Welcome to our prestigious institution!

Here, you will spend the next few years of your life learning and living at one of the finest higher education institutions in America, which will guide you and foster your growth so that you can realize your fullest potential.

At least, that’s what they told me to say to new students at Chancellor-Con (a two-week chancelling skills development program, where we swim in an Olympic-sized pool filled with student debt statements).

I don’t really know or care about your futures, to be honest, but it sounds like a really nice thought to have, especially when, in actuality, your administration has been actively ruining your university experience. Surprise!

You know all those classes you haven’t been able to enroll in because there aren’t enough professors to teach them

all? That money’s been going to hire senior managers, a group which has grown by at least 5% in just the past few years, while faculty numbers and services have steadily declined. Obviously, this is a good idea, since senior management has been doing such a good job keeping student fees low and libraries open for nighttime use. (For you continuing students, t h a t

was sarcasm, in case you didn’t catch it. I don’t blame you — your higher education thus far has been shoddy at best.)

This year is going to be one for the ages: We recently closed the Crafts Center, and just over the summer we’ve managed to close off the Graffiti Hall, truly a blight on this campus, and even install security cameras to prevent any future defacing! Sorry, taggers and freshman bonding events; you won’t be able to use it anymore. Maybe you can go to SDSU — just don’t use chalk.

And this corruption doesn’t stop at the UC San Diego level; it goes all the way up to the top! You may have wondered how Janet Napolitano, former head of the Department of Homeland Security, was qualified to lead a statewide institution of higher learning. Here’s how many qualifications she has: Zero. Zilch.

Nada. The only thing she could possibly teach you is how to deport your annoying roommate to another suite, so you can have plenty of alone time in your dorm to stalk that cutie from CHEM 6A, since you have nothing else to do since we’ve cut down on activities.

Remember personal space? Well, you won’t for long. Our Class

Local Teens Report Hanging out Getting “Kind of Old”

BY GARRETT CHAN

Managing Editor he product of hours of extensive investigative research and fact-checking, a new report from the journal American Youth Psychology has reached an unprecedented conclusion: A majority of teens are getting anywhere from “sick” to “really sick” of hanging out.

The study, conducted over the past two weeks in 43 metropolitan areas of the United States, was able to prove that, near the end of August, most young people between the ages of 13 and 19 were “bored” of going to the bowling alley, movie theater, and shopping mall with peers also between the ages of 13 and 19, despite contradictory data showing that the only people most teens described as “worth seeing” were between those ages.

The report cites a “lack of observable change in daily routines” as the cause of this general disinterest among the

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teenage population in “hanging out” at the same places all the time and doing the same things and talking about the same stuff. In fact, the report showed that 86 percent of teenagers know exactly what they and their peers will do on a Friday night in August, what topics will be discussed, and who will go home first because they have “strict parents.”

“Strict parents my ass,” the report detailed. “Everyone knows Anthony’s just bored and wants to go home to jerk off.”

The journal interviewed over 150 teenagers of varying socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds from around the country.

“Every cashier at the Dairy Queen knows my name and my order, because that’s where I go every Tuesday night with the guys,” 17-yearold Terry O’Donnell from Des Moines, Iowa, said. “Do you know how sad it is to be a regular at a DQ?”

The report indicates some teens have considered going to extreme methods to find relief and an escape from hanging out.

“I found a job,” said Katie Wolkwitz of Barstow, California. “I promised myself I’d never work in retail, but I had to get out of the destructive cycle of going to the movies with Vanessa every Saturday, even when I really didn’t want to. After I consented to seeing ‘Turbo’ with her at 11 o’clock in the morning, I told myself, ‘never again.’”

A growing group of teenagers are doing what they largely considered “unthinkable” and “lame” in a 2009 study: voluntarily attending summer school.

Sara Gupta, of Daly City, California, is one of many teens who have found solace in summer school.

“I used to go out every Wednesday evening to get half-off boba with my friends, and then we’d go on Amy’s

Derek is Totally Cheating on Me

BY ALYSSA WHITMAN

of 2017 is dramatically overenrolled, what with housing creating temporary doubles and departments packing students sardine style into classes they need to graduate.

You’ll be brushing shoulders all your way across campus, but hey, at least you might finally socialize. Get it? Because UC Socially Dead! Haha! Ha! But what can you do about all this? Probably nothing.

You might be able to make some concrete change if you would just stop arguing with one another about “the Sun God lineup sucking” and “football” and “which UCSD hip hop dance team is the most dope.” While most of you are already too subjagated to even realize the hopelessness of the destruction happening to your futures, maybe the few of you that can actually feel something can rally. Maybe.

So things around here are looking pretty shitty, at least for the time being. Just remember, though: When you receive your student loan debt statements in the mail, just try to hold back your tears while you smile and tell yourself that this was all worth it.

Deuces, Pradeep Khosla

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“Hey, can I borrow your lighter?” one teen asked a point guard running by.

POINT

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Facebook to look at cute guys who had gone to our high school. We eventually ran out of guys to stalk, and Amy suggested we start burning things in her house, so I decided to take Mandarin instead,” Gupta said. “I think it was a good choice.”

The report did note one positive trend, though: 15 percent of disillusioned teens decided to devote time previously reserved for hanging out to volunteering, with some finding positions at hospitals, pet shelters, and nursing homes.

“I love it here; I love seeing these old folks every day,” stated Ralph Tanaka, 18. “Some people here are 90, 95 years old, and they’ve lived so much.

Most of them are really quite healthy, and could still do a lot of cool things if they didn’t sit around all day eating, napping, talking with their friends, and watching TV. I know they’re old, but it’s a lot of potential that’s being wasted.”

H

Sixth Grader

e’s totally cheating on me with Jenny. He said he’d ONLY hold hands with me during P.E., and then he disappeared for, like, a year, and I swear I saw him go behind the volleyball courts holding Jenny’s hand.

Anyway, that was the first sign. But THEN he stopped responding to my texts. You know that bubble that comes up when a person’s typing and then if they stop typing and delete their text it goes away? Yeah, that happened ALL the time. I think he was thinking of messaging me but got scared of the commitment. We were starting to get pretty serious. He let me borrow his favorite pencil, and I drew a heart with our initials in his composition book with the weird hand grenade on it. He said he thought it was cute.

Then on Wednesday, or whichever day he had his basketball game, which I couldn’t go to because I had dance, otherwise I for sure would’ve, Jenny made her AIM status “tire swings r scary lol@ Derek :]” and I don’t even GET that so I can TELL it’s an inside joke.

Our first inside joke was that we were gonna have a pet fish together that was a Goldfish cracker. It’s an inside joke. I can’t explain.

COUNTERPOINT

Yes, He Is

BY ROBERT SHIELDS

L

NSA Analyst

ook honey, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but Derek has definitely been going out with that girl Jenny.

In fact, it’s been going on for exactly 32 days now: I’m surprised you’re just catching on.

Let’s start with the text messages. On Sept. 10 at 9:14 p.m., Jenny sent Derek a photo of herself wearing her Green Day T-shirt. Derek’s computer records show he spent 7 of the previous 22 hours listening to Green Day, so Jenny was likely trying to attract him. Derek’s response to Jenny’s MMS, “<3 Awesome,” confirms our hypothesis. We have the messages on file, if you’d like to see them — as you’ve probably heard, our information isn’t as classified as we intend for it to be.

Speaking of messages, your guess about the “disappearing message bubbles” phenomenon is highly inaccurate.

Derek wasn’t afraid of commitment. 17 out of 22 times you saw that bubble appear, it was because he meant to message Jenny but accidentally started typing in his thread with you.

And the “hand grenade” notebook that you defaced was Derek’s collectors’ edition Green Day notebook. Based on the footage we obtained of him erasing it in his room at 4:13 p.m., we’re skeptical that he thought it was “cute.”

Anyway, once I discovered those messages, I dumped their phone records. Turns out

they’ve called each other 78 times in the past 30 days. We recorded their conversations, as you’d imagine, and it gets steamy — in their most recent conversation, which took place at 2 p.m. today, Derek referred to Jenny four times as “babe” and once as “hot tamale cakes.”

I even pulled up their phones’ GPS data; they were in fact both behind the volleyball courts not once, but three times between 11 a.m. and 11:45 a.m.

— the 45-minute block when your P.E. class meets — and our viewing of the school’s surveillance cameras confirm they were macking pretty hard back there. Sorry, you’re officially the other woman.

Also, you might want to find a more clever hiding place for that bad report card — really? Inside your pillowcase?

That’s so cliché. No wonder Mrs. Gonzalez gave you a C. And before you ask, yes, this is more important than catching terrorists. I mean, come on, who doesn’t love middle school drama?

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theMQ.org

Page 4

September 24, 2013

Critics Praise Mystery Masterpiece “Trash Pile” in Mandeville Center

EDITORIAL

Now That I’m No Longer Mayor, Harassing Women Isn’t the Same

BY BOB FILNER

Former San Diego Mayor

W

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

“If you squint and drink a little more, it kind of looks like a pile of trash,” one student said.

BY HILARY MOREFIELD

Social Editor ecently discovered “Trash Pile,” a foot-tall sculpture comprised of various found materials from Mandeville Hall’s basement floor, has been hailed by UCSD students and critics worldwide as a masterpiece and an emblem of the future of modern art. UCSD’s art department even went so far as to call it “the single greatest work of urban conceptual art in this day and age.”

What at first appears to be a pile of dirt, grime, garbage, and used art supplies swept haphazardly into the corner of the building is actually an experimental expression of urban decay that dismantles the definition of art itself.

“Trash Pile” is a monumental contemporary work that uses the most banal objects of the everyday to generate a brass commentary on the modern consumer. Art critic Melissa Ming compared it to “Andy Warhol and Marcel Duchamp having a quick and dirty back-alley hookup.”

The work, now widely

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seen as a textbook example of the artistic effort to redefine what constitutes an “art object,” was initially discovered by chance, only recognized a few days after its installation by visiting curator Dominique Cross.

“I first saw it when I was walking over to throw something in a trash can, and I just walked right by — I didn’t even give it a second glance,” Cross said. “But after passing it a few times, I realized that I was simply feeling the precise apathy the artist was aiming to evoke!”

The artist behind what UCSD art professor Harris Mendoza calls a “magnum opus” remains unknown, though some suspect it to be the handiwork of the prestigious and exclusive VIS 3 undergraduate guerrilla sculpture collective. The underground group has been the source of numerous key avant-garde three-dimensional pieces from the last decade, often spontaneously exhibited in UCSD’s major public areas.

Since its installation, “Trash

™

Pile” has been unofficially named by the San Diego art community the most successful and provocative work to come out of what French modern art magazine “Poubelle” calls Mandeville’s “mecca of contemporary genius.” Critics have agreed that the work has surpassed the depth of both “Stained Notebook Paper” (2008) and the popular appeal of “Half-Empty Art of Espresso Cup on Bench” (2010).

In a bout of controversy surrounding the work, members of Mandeville’s late night janitorial staff last week attempted to relocate the now-infamous sculpture to a nearby dumpster in the early hours of the morning.

Thankfully, undergraduate student Tina Wu, who was working late in the photo lab, was able to stop them before they desecrated the momentous piece. The staff members involved in the “Trash Pile” heist were fired on the spot for the willful destruction of a culturally valuable object.

Visual Arts facilities director Alexander Adler spoke on the matter: “[The janito-

rial staff] tried to fight back, claiming that ‘they were just doing their job,’ but the universal acclaim and fame surrounding ‘Trash Pile’ tells us otherwise,” he said. “It’s a shame we had to let them go, but we cannot risk having uninformed employees working in the presence of, and possibly disturbing the creation of, cutting-edge art.”

“Trash Pile” will be temporarily removed from its original location in Mandeville next Tuesday for display at the San Diego Museum of Contemporary Art’s annual MASTERCRAFT exhibition, after which it will return to Special Collections at the UCSD Visual Arts Facility.

“We want to assure the UCSD community that ‘Trash Pile’ will, in the long term, remain on campus,” Adler said. “While we recognize its importance in the worldwide modern art movement, it is equally important to keep it close to the site of its artistic inception — after all, we certainly can’t count on simply finding another ‘Trash Pile’ laying on the ground.”

The Original CatRoomba™

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Product Disclaimers Your CatRoomba™ may speed toward and crash through a window when it sees a cat; it will conveniently vacuum up the smaller shards of broken glass.

Your CatRoomba™ may chase its own tail. If it vacuums up its own tail, discard and purchase a new CatRoomba™ for $399 plus shipping and handling.

hen I resigned from office on Aug. 23, I knew a lot of things in my life were about to change. I was losing my job, my personal income, and the unlimited Wolfgang Puck restaurant vouchers that are issued to all higher-ups in government. But you know what I didn’t see coming? Ever since I left politics — after decades of working as a Freedom Rider, on campaigns, as a representative and as mayor of San Diego — harassing women just hasn’t been the same.

Back in the day, when I was mayor, I really felt like my the government that I served and that served me had my back. It was such a friendly atmosphere: You’d go to work down at City Hall, head into a meeting, and on the way out, you’d lightly brush your hand against your communications director’s butt, continue down the hallway, and one of your buddies would give you a high five — a fist bump, maybe. It just felt good.

Those days are long over.

The era we live in has destroyed the climate of tolerance, open-mindedness and positivity toward sexual harassment in the workplace, and in politics especially. Nowadays, people call you a “sexist” or a “pig” just for copping a feel! I mean, that was practically a handshake back when I was in Congress, and now it’s “anti-feminist” and “wrong.”

And it’s not just the political landscape that has completely turned its back on sexual harassment, a time-honored tradition that I believe long ago earned its place as an essential element of politics. No, a much larger and more frightening group has suddenly and with-

out warning begun to close the door on gender inequality: the American public.

My first week out of office, I wasn’t sure what to do. Politics had betrayed me; I thought I’d try business. So I went down to a McDonald’s, hoping to find solace in the unshakeable American fast food industry.

I approached a cashier at the counter, asked her if she’d like me to shake her fry basket.

What happens? She just asks me if I want fries. I don’t want fries.

Then I see her manager approaching. Great, I figure.

The cashier misunderstood.

Guess McDonald’s hasn’t been adequately training their staff, but no matter; I’ll talk to the manager. Manager asks me, “Sir, can I take your order?”

I look at her, smile, and say, “How ‘bout if we head to the back of this McDonalds and you let me peel your potato?”

The manager just rings me up for a small order of fries and asks me to pay, leave, and not come back.

After being let down by capitalism, I didn’t know where to turn. I went to pick up my grandson from school and thought maybe the education system would have my back. After all, my gubernatorial campaign made education reform a top priority. I walked up to the principal’s office and knocked on the door, and the principal let me in. “Can I help you?” she asked. “Actually, I was hoping I could help you,” I said, winking. “How ‘bout you and I head down to the cafeteria and you swipe my Lunch Card for me?”

I was escorted off of the school’s premises.

I feel proud to have been a part of what I see as the golden age of harassing women in the workplace, and the growth of antipathy toward sexual harassment is nothing short of alarming — it is a widespread, organized condoning of discrimination against an increasingly marginalized harasser community. As a former Freedom Rider and a U.S. citizen, I urge my fellow harassers — my fellow Americans — who have not yet been brutally ostracized from politics to take action and fight for the rights we have long enjoyed and that we do not deserve to have taken away.

TOP TEN

Goals Janet Napolitano Has for the UC System 10. Replace shuttles with drones 9. Neapolitan Napolitano Tuesdays! Students can visit her with a list of grievances and, in return, she hands them a scoop of Neapolitan ice cream 8. Change UCSD’s mascot to something else because Triton is a filthy Greek and Sun God is definitely something foreign 7. Finally arrange that coup on the CSU system 6. Get Silent Tree to finally start talking 5. Revolutionize UC military organization and become the first emperor of the University of California 4. Build a fence around each UC campus to keep out CSU students and Mexican immigrants 3. Blame all future UC failures on policy and fiscal precedent set by Mark Yudof 2. Create a deportation major. When she says you’ll get out in 4 years, she isn’t kidding 1. Figure out why the hell she was hired

theMQ.org

September 24, 2013

Page 5

Jesus Releases New Unapologetic LP, “Kanyesus”

Recent English Major Graduate Finds Freelance Work with Yelp

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

Hartman’s academic counselor’s office got a one star rating because they encouraged him to pursue a degree in literature.

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Every knee will bend before me, and every tongue shall give glory to God,” Jesus said. “I was about to say almost the same thing,” Kayne retorted.

BY SORA CHEE AND MONICA BHIDE Graphics Editor and MQ Crazy Uncle

E

ver since His unexpected debut with “Resurrection” more than two millennia ago, Jesus has been on a steady rise in the world of hip-hop with his eclectic — and almost biblical — collection of lyrics. His newest LP, “Kanyesus,” is proving to be the most popular release in Jesus’ immortal career so far, as the album has held steady in the No. 1 position on the Billboard 200 chart of bestsellers for three consecutive weeks.

However, whether Jesus’ bold and sacrilegious lyrics are a meaningful stance against Kanye West’s stately hip-hop empire or a blindly egocentric move is up for debate.

“Jesus Christ; He really crossed the line this time. I mean, I know hip-hop artists

creating feuds is no new thing, but this album just seems like an aimless, unprovoked attack on Kanye — and it’s so self-promotional,” an indignant worshipper of West, who will remain anonymous until he receives parental consent to comment, wrote on the popular anti-Jesus music forum AtheismRocks.com.

“Also, it seemed as if He thought He really could surpass the amount of influence that Kanye’s misogynistic music has had on His listeners’ morals and life decisions.

The guy’s got a lot of hubris — I mean, if Common can’t do it, who is He to think He can get that message through?” he added.

Yet, many supporters have welcomed the LP with enthusiasm and encouragement.

“We learned a great lesson from ‘Kanyesus.’ It teaches us to be artistic, to challenge but also love our enemies, to embrace sexism and violence with our heart,

even in the face of doubt, and to lead a simultaneously thrilling and abstinent lifestyle vicariously through His music,” San Diego area priest Father John said during a sermon Sunday.

“We also believe that His producer just nailed it. My Lord, that was some divine planning,” he added.

Christ is no stranger when it comes to controversy: He has been known to be crucified for inordinate use of gospel in His works. In His newest single, “Kanye Walks,” which features rapper Ludacris, Christ raps about moments of adversity from His modest upbringing in the dark alleys of Nazareth. Throughout the song, Ludacris sporadically chimes in with gospel hymns that seem out of place, if not superfluously avant-garde.

Whether Christ’s album is a strategic effort to self-promote or a divinely inspired work of art is unclear, but what is clear is that His work

is becoming a canon of its own, inspiring a growing cult of hardcore fans who refer to themselves as members of “Christianity.”

“I still think it’s art. I don’t exactly get it, but I want to feel self-validated for appreciating His work, so I call it ‘art,’” 15-year-old listener Asher Fallon said as he blasted “Kanyesus” on surroundsound speakers in his room in a rebellious outcry against his parents, who had mistakenly bought him a Macbook Air instead of the 17-inch Macbook Pro that he’d specifically asked for.

“Sure, I’m rebelling against my parents by being a ‘Christian’ and listening to Him — I know it,” Fallon continued. “The truth is, He’s probably making all this shit up and doing this whole egotistical, spiritual-leader thing just to bring some vague message to fans so they can feel like they’re part of a bigger community.”

Area Woman “Too Lazy” to Shave Legs for Fourth Consecutive Day

BY HILLARY CHAN

Staff Writer mid swirling rumors of her forgoing socially constructed daily feminine ablutions, Bedford Heights, Ohio, resident Frances Jones made her poolside debut today, confirming small-town suspicions that she has gone four consecutive days without mustering the will power to shave her legs.

“I used to shave regularly, until one morning, when I realized that the time I spent shaving was better spent doing other stuff, like not shaving, or sleeping in,” Jones told reporters. “Although I did suffer a minor panic attack from the sight of my leg hair growing in at a rate of one millimeter per day, I noticed that my thighs still looked amazing in my polka dotted culottes, and that was … four days ago, so I haven’t touched a razor since.”

Jones, whose neighbors are now referring to her as a “natural woman,” announced she had no plans to shave until she “could no longer slip on her stretchiest pair of leggings on due to the traction caused by [her] leg hairs,” and noted that she had become more productive allocating her newfound free time elsewhere.

“There is just so much to do, all the time,” Jones said of her increasing lack of desire to take the “un” out of “unkempt.” “Instead of spending most of my morning hunched over the edge of my bathtub, carefully tracing the contours of my legs with an uncomfortably sharp razor, I’ve been able to keep up word-for-word with ‘Gilmore Girls,’ answer all my emails immediately after reading them, and add filters to the

A

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Jones’ radical feminist statement sparked a later successful women’s suffrage movement in her hometown. daily morning post-wake up selfies I take.”

Fellow community pool patrons seemed keen on embedding Jones’s low-maintenance aesthetic in the context of the feminist struggle.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said self-described “college bro” Matty Ramone.

“I swear, passages from ‘The Feminine Mystique’ are written with her leg hairs. But whatever. Body chocolate is the ultimate equalizer.”

Meanwhile, feminist bookstore owner Cynthia Wareham was more ecstatic. “It’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful!” exclaimed Wareham on what she calls Jones’ “natural fleece.”

“Such brazenness, such growth clearly symbolizes the seeds

planted during the modern women’s movement, one that will, one day, sprout into a future in which women can safely walk outside to purchase supermarket brie without wearing pants at all.”

However, Bedford Heights dunce Sherman Sanders was less than enthusiastic about what sociologists are calling Jones’ daring refusal to conform to standards of body manicuring that women have adhered to for over a century. “My cottonmouth is getting worse,” Sanders muttered upon being reached for comment.

Despite strong reactions from outspoken town citizens, Jones maintains that her razor boycott is informed solely by

“being able to keep up with the my Netflix Instant Queue” and not a statement addressed to the cripplingly closed-minded mentality often associated with life in a small town.

“I guess I believe that women should be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of a nice, cool breeze running through the hairs of her appendages without criticism toward her appearance,” Jones said.

“My body is my business,” she continued. “If I want to hide mini Cheese Nips in the thick forest of the hair that sprouts naturally from follicles on my legs, I can’t help but not pamper, and if you’re not okay with that, then fine — but I’m not sharing those Cheese Nips with you.”

BY ANGELIQUE DE CASTRO

I

Staff Writer

t is 11 a.m., and I’m sitting here watching 2013 UCSD graduate and literature/ writing major Casey Hartman prepare for another long day on the job as a freelance writer for popular community-based business-review site Yelp, Inc., in his parent’s detached garage.

“It’s abundantly — no — immeasurably better than my old job, working as a blogger for Wordpress,” Hartman says as he combs back a bedhead.

“The follower count was always low, and there was hardly a community to feel present in. With Yelp, I don’t know, it’s different — well, not just different — I feel like I’m part of an alliance, an army, an amalgamation of authors, all agog amid the amazing array of affairs we must review.”

In addition to his impressive, if eager, alliteration skills, the voluntary, unpaid posts Hartman composes in collaboration with the business review giant accumulate an average of 5.5 “Useful,” 9 “Funny,” and 6 “Cool” ratings.

Hartman also leaves room for copy editing other users’ reviews in his spare time. “You will not believe the amount of ‘*your’s’ and ‘*than’s’ I’ve had to comment after other freelancer’s reviews,” he says, taking a slow sip of coffee. “But it’s all in a day’s work! I’m sure my fellow freelancers — not to mention consumers at large — silently, even subconsciously, thank me for my efforts behind the computer screen.”

Hartman’s mother, Linda, now joins us, first taking her son’s empty coffee mug, clearing up several bags of chips from his desk, wiping a cookie crumb off of his mouth and handing him a tie. She tells me she finds “wavering but moderate joy” in watching her son finding a practical use for his “almost $100,000 college degree.”

“Finding work, let alone work that you love, and with a schedule as flexible as Casey’s — especially as a graduated writing major — is hard nowadays,” Mrs. Hartman says.

“Though it would be nice if he were getting paid.”

Hartman immediately perks up at his mother’s words, and he cuts off her last sentence: “Moooom!” he cries.

“What did I say about using passive voice?”

Upon cracking open his 15inch Macbook Pro, Hartman spends eight hours each day meticulously proof-reading past reviews and organizing his ratings in a complex tallymarking system. He says he completes two or more “business evaluations,” as he likes to call them, per day, each running around 1000 words or longer. His reviews are known to include everything from fierce haikus about restaurant appetizers to speculations about physical chemistry between business employees.

“I considered myself to be a bit of an overachiever in my undergrad years, so why lose that work ethic?” Hartman says.

“Who knows? Maybe a publisher from Knopf or something will notice me and offer to compile my reviews into a hardback manuscript, or a coffee table book at the very least. I mean, my hero, Jack Kerouac, used to be a gas station attendant and dishwasher before he became famous, so really, I’m 10 steps ahead of him already. At this point, it’s only a matter of time.”

Writing an average of 15 reviews per week has allowed Hartman to build up an impressive freelance portfolio, but recently, he has had to confront the issue that he is running out of accessible businesses to review in San Diego.

“As I’ve reviewed more and more businesses in the vicinity, it has gotten harder; I can’t always count on my dad being available to give me a ride to the new lemonade stand opening two blocks down, and if I walk, by the time I get there they might be sold out,” Hartman says. “So with a job like this, I’ve got to be ready to do a review at the drop of a —” he continued, before stopping abruptly, perking up at the sound of an ice cream truck, grabbing his laptop, and running out the door.

Page 6

theMQ.org

THE

September 24, 2013

MQ’s

Pizza Party

Guide to Partying

Parties to Attend Now that you know what a party is, and have your killer outfit all planned out, you just have to figure out where you’d have the most fun. We’ve compiled a list of San Diego’s most bangin’ party locations and listed their pros and cons, so you can pick your favorite like your parents did with your siblings.

Tree Party

Pros

Last time, you got laid in the broom closet There’s always some classroom having one Markers make easy access for drawing on napping people If Timmy’s mom gives you quarters, you can play Pacman while you wait You don’t have to worry about a ride because Mrs. Feldman is picking you up

Cons

The sex happening in the broom closet is really distracting you Everyone just brings soda.

And that idiot Marvin brought cranberry juice? And no vodka?

Halfway through, the vibe is killed when everyone falls asleep The host forces you to share with Joseph These kindergarteners read a lot of books to earn this party and you’re eating literally all the food

Pool Party Pros

Reliable source of fresh air Helps you “branch out” among your peers You can learn so many awesome facts about different kinds of trees Maybe the hot guy will get a splinter and it will get super infected so you’ll have to apply a tourniquet and amputate his leg Wolves probably can’t climb trees

Cons

Pretty dead during the winter You gotta find somebody who can bring a tree Hazard of fornicating couples falling from the less stable branches You never know when they’re going to finish chopping down the tree Nowhere to cook the pizza

Pros

Party

Pros

Holds way more alcohol than cups do Stacy always ends up bringing out her sex toys Since Tupperware® is vacuum sealed, now you don’t need to throw out those half-finished beers When you’re trying to find the right lid, at least you’re not thinking about your miserable life for a second Our Tupperware® party will be happening on Tuesday at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge

Cons

I save too much money on my groceries now that I have Tupperware® containers to store my leftover food I don’t have any use for my antique china because my Tupperware® makes such great plates and bowls I have too much cabinet space! My stacking Tupperware® containers are so space efficient that my cabinets are empty I have so much Tupperware® that I can’t buy any more All of my friends keep bothering me asking to borrow my amazing Tupperware®

No line for the bathroom, so you can pee right where you’re standing If you drink enough pool water, you’ll get pretty messed up If no one talks to you, you can just go underwater and pretend you’re drowning Finally, one where you can show up naked Maybe the hot guy will need mouth to mouth

Cons

You have to buy waterproof cups Someone accidentally deflated the pool Your head is stuck in the filter, AGAIN Where the hell did all these people come from? Get out of my pool!

Giardia

September 24, 2013

theMQ.org

What to Wear to a Party

Common Signs You’re at a Party Right Now

Looks matter. You can’t just walk into a party and expect everyone to hang out; you have to rock the perfect ensemble.

Fashion is a jungle, and parties are also a jungle, and if you lose at both, you’ll get eaten alive by some weird plant.

The best way to learn about parties is by being at one!

But if you’re having trouble knowing whether you’re at the coolest rager or just some stranger’s funeral, look for some of these indicators that you’re supposed to be having a good time.

A spice rack so you'll easily be the hottest one there

A party dress

A bib to catch all the alcohol spills

Wrist

guards, just to be safe

Anything that maximizes the ratio of body hair shown to skin exposed

That outfit you saved up to $24.99 on because you bought it at Ross®

A smile! (and something tight around the crotch)

A life vest, in case of emergencies

Try something else other than your air of desperation for once and see how it works out

Page 7

People are giving you weird looks for reading a newspaper because you’re at a party. In fact, why aren’t you socializing right now? Go socialize

You’re surrounded by Democrats and Republicans

You feel more obligated than usual to pretend to care about your peers

That total bitch Becky is here, and ugh, she is, like, more of a goddamn mess than usual, which is saying A LOT

Everyone’s on their phones desperately trying to post blurry party pics to Instagram to prove that they’re actually at a party

Some guy with a guitar in the corner has started playing “Wonderwall” for the fifth time

There are hookers and cocaine all over the floor

For once, you aren’t the only one around who’s totally wasted

Party hats, cleavage

Rollerblades, so you can move around the party quickly and thereby maximize your social networking

Determining Your Designated Driver So the night’s finally winding down, and you’re ready to start partying. How do you determine who gets to shuttle a Toyota Camry full of drunks to and from your sick kickback? Let our fun and flirty flowchart help you decide!

Have you been drinking?

NO FUCKING WAY I’M GOOD TO GO!

No Yes... a bit...

Wanna drink?

How many fingers am I holding up?

No...

Yes

Two

Yes

Really?

Start Drinking

Well, it’s not technically two, it’s a finger and a thumb.

On a scale of 1 to 10, is this water or vodka?

No

Water

Come on...

Vodka

No, it’s vodka.

No. Wake up and go home.

You’re sober enough to walk.

Wait, don’t walk away!

You cannot DD.

theMQ.org

Page 8

September 24, 2013

Awesome New All-White Graffiti Covers Graffiti Hall

Someone took a cue from Napolitano and began whitewashing the school.

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER AND DYLAN BLACKIE Editor-in-Chief and Staff Writer

S

tudents were shocked and amazed when recent photographs of Graffiti Hall surfaced showing that the hall had been redecorated entirely in brand new, all-white graffiti, along with several video surveillance cameras.

The area, which includes a hallway and stairwell underneath Mandeville Center, is famous as one of the only places on campus where UCSD students are free to visually express their thoughts and opinions without fear of punishment. Artwork in Graffiti Hall reflected both the collective and individual voice of UCSD students beyond their voice in the administration,

with spray paint renderings that varied from images of phalluses to written messages like “go fuck yourself,” “UCSD Crew 2014,” and “TITS!” The new all-white graffiti and camera installation have been met with mixed reviews, with some arguing that it claims an unfair monopoly over the space and others praising its boldness and modern, minimalist aesthetic.

“I think the new artwork is awesome — finally, someone came in with some new ideas,” Muir College fifth year Daniel Hong said. “Yeah, the old graffiti was cool, but I think it was playing it safe.

This all-white allows for the viewer to see the art and ascribe meaning to it in a far more personal, individual way — and the cameras, damn! It’s just a fascinating study of the viewer’s gaze and

the art gallery as a medium.”

Some initially speculated that UCSD Chancellor Pradeep Khosla was somehow involved with the new Graffiti Hall artwork, even suggesting that he had devoted funding to the installation.

“I don’t know if it’s true about Khosla, but if it is, it’s awesome,” Sixth College sophomore and art history major Sarah Mehra said.

“This school has a reputation for diverting funding away from academics — especially arts and humanities — and toward administration, so it’d be really cool if Khosla was finally turning that around.”

When reached for comment, Khosla responded via email, stating that “You have reached the UC San Diego Office of the Chancellor. Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla is vacationing and will return to his

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

office on Sept. 24, 2013. Please direct any pressing inquiries to Associate Chancellor and Chief of Staff Clare Kristofco at ckristofco@ucsd.edu.”

While it is as of yet unknown whether the changes to Graffiti Hall were brought about by a commission from the UCSD administration, students have already begun trying to uncover the identity of the artist responsible for the work. A sign at the entrance to Graffiti Hall stated only “Graffiti Prohibited by Law.” Despite the widespread acclaim for “Graffiti Prohibited,” no source has been able to confirm the identity of the artist known as “Law.” Some sources have claimed that the artist is also responsible for other works, among them “Underfunded Public Schools” and “Record High Rates of Incarceration.”

God to Write, Release Updated Millennial Edition of Holy Bible

CORRECTIONS

Hiding our shame in the corner of the paper.

We forgot to publish issues this summer. We were finding ourselves.

In our last issue we described the sky during Chancellor Khosla’s speech as azure. It was actually more of a pale cerulean.

In our last issue we incorrectly referred to soccer player Janie Elodie as a "mean, fat bitch" instead of a left fielder.

We apologize for the inconvenience. We are also looking for a new soccer writer.

We were informed that a statistic about birth rates in our last issue was incorrect, but we checked with numerous reputable sources, and we were actually right. So suck it, Cindy.

We apologize for accidentally revealing Geisel Library's launch codes, though we'd like to point out that it's their own damn fault for making the code “1234.”

In our last issue, we incorrectly stated that the Sun God Festival is an alcohol-fueled bacchanalia when it is actually a celebration of music and springtime, and also a drug- and alcohol-fueled bacchanalia.

We apologize for the person who appeared in over 20 photos in our last issue. We don’t know who he is or how he got into our pictures; we swear we didn’t see him at the time.

All the articles we published last issue were false and made up. They might be in this one, too. Our reporters are highly suspect. Half of our staff were let go. Please come write for us.

We’re just really, really sorry.

In this issue we may have several typos. We might have goten them all but we’re not sure.

Last issue, we totally pretended we didn’t like you, but really, we had, like, a huge crush on you.

We apologize for losing your acceptance letter to Stanford. Enjoy UCSD.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Welcome Week Events and Going to a Car Dealership 10. You’ve done too much research on this beforehand 9. Your dad insists on going with you 8. Only horrible smalltalk the entire time 7. You always have to ask the same five questions 6. People trying to get you to buy a car 5. You spend a lot of it crying in the bathroom 4. Free pens that break after one use 3. You’re always ready to walk away 2. It’s your only chance to talk to someone for the next three months 1. You’re just as desperate as they are

TOP TEN

Ways to Deal with Your New Roommate

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“And the Serpent questioneth, ‘Would you like to Supersize that?’ To which Eve replied, ‘No, thank you, for I am on Paleo.’ ” —Genesis 3:1

BY KEVIN CHU Content Editor

S

ources close to God, the almighty ruler of Heaven and Earth, have leaked that the author is writing an updated edition of the Bible to appeal to the new millennium. The new edition, to be released December 25, will name the summer film “Grown Ups 2” as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, replacing former fanfavorite, “Conquest.”

The upcoming revision will also feature a washed-up former “Saturday Night Live” cast member riding a fat brown donkey, representing the slapstick comedy so crucial to this modernized first harbinger of the End of Days. The donkey will also reportedly be farting and defecating wherever it

steps, as well as slipping comically into a large pile of feces every couple of minutes.

“The Creator found ‘Conquest’ to be a bit outdated,” said Random House publishing agent Jane Cromwell in an exclusive interview. “The Lord of Lords really wanted to spice up the new Bible in order to appeal to a broader audience.

And besides, no one really gets ‘conquested’ anymore, and I don’t think anyone else will anytime soon, especially since the Bush family missed their opportunity.”

Cromwell also stated that another major factor in the Lord Almighty’s decision to make “Grown Ups 2” a Horseman was its box office performance, where it was ahead of the Guillermo del Toro blockbuster “Pacific Rim” in ticket sales for most of its opening weekend.

“I think what the new horseman really represents is a decline in cultural taste and a rise in mob mentality; a symbol of not only the ludicrous vapidity of modern entertainment, but also the shallowness of the society responsible for such banality, which results in a swift, silent and guilt-ridden acquiescence to the absurd new low it has created,” Cromwell said.

“But that fat pooping donkey?

Comedic gold.”

The New Millennial Version edition of the Bible will also reportedly update the long-outdated language, promising to be the first edition to use popular acronyms, such as LOL (Lord is Love) and OFWATIH (Our Father Who Art Thou In Heaven).

Some popular Bible stories will also be updated to make them more relatable to mod-

ern audiences. For example, the story of Samson will remain relatively the same, except that Delilah tricks Samson into cutting off his hair by telling him his sacrifice is for Locks of Love.

“Eve is still going to be tempted, of course, but this time by an Apple iPhone 5S,” Cromwell said. “I mean, it has a free Verizon data and calling plan, that’s going to make more sense than falling for a lame-ass piece of fruit.”

Cromwell hopes that these new updates can help the Bible take over the bestsellers list once again.

“It’s important to keep updating and rereleasing popular classics so that future generations can really appreciate these treasures of literature,” Cromwell said. “After all, we’re talking about the best-selling fiction work of all time.”

10. Probably with gloves because, like, seriously, there is blood everywhere 9. Two eyepatches 8. A less overt way than you handled your last one 7. Wait until they’re changing to start conversation 6. Urinate on your side of the room to establish dominance and mark your territory 5. They’re going to catch you masturbating at some point. Might as well get it out of the way in the beginning 4. Don’t startle it. Remember, it’s more afraid of you than you are of it 3. Gentle caresses and kind words to comfort yourself 2. Treat them like the secret dorm cat you wish you were brave enough to have 1. Have sex with them a few times in the first few weeks, and afterwards continuously be aware of how you’re sleeping in the same room with them but not having sex

theMQ.org

September 24, 2013

Page 9

Nations to Deal with Syria After Catching Up on “Breaking Bad”

Get Involved! Join A Club!

Jimmy's Special Friends Hello! My name is Debra Grendel, and my son James, or Jimmy, as he likes to be called, is coming to UCSD this year!! So I started this club for him to make sure that he has some friends to talk to this year. He’s very shy, and he likes race cars, and his favorite meal is mac and cheese, but with rotini instead of elbow macaroni. Come talk to him! :-) (Thursdays at 6:30 p.m., Revelle Dorms)

The “I Can’t, I Have a Club” Club Meet with other people who are too busy with club activities and meetings to actually have a social life. Meetings will discuss topics such as how busy you are because of clubs and what club activities are making you so busy. (Tuesdays at 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge)

Photography Miming Club Cameras too expensive? Get all the practice for shooting — without the camera! PMC is a new organization on campus dedicated to teaching amateur photographers proper camera positions and stances, so that if they do buy a camera one day, they will be ready.

(Mondays at 5 p.m., location varies) a PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Obama tried to convince reporters that watching the series would help him identify those who work with dangerous chemicals.

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER Editor-in-Chief

I

n a press release Monday, the United States and Russia formally issued a joint statement saying that they would “figure out” Syria as soon as they were caught up on “Breaking Bad,” which will air the last episode of its twopart final season this Sunday, Sept. 29 at 9 p.m. This statement follows what was widely seen as a successful deal by the U.S. and Russia in which Syria would give up its chemical weapons; however, progress halted when Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad failed to cooperate in a timely manner, and the deal was further stalled by the U.S. and Russia’s preoccupation watching episodes of the AMC show.

“As nations with a strong stake in global affairs, we cannot and will not comply with Syria’s failure to give up the chemical weapons it used on civilians,” the statement read.

“And as soon as we are caught up on ‘Breaking Bad,’ we will be vigilant in letting Syria know that chemical weapons are unacceptable.”

“I understand the frustration over what some might call a complete failure to confront what is almost certainly the use of chemical weapons in Syria,” Secretary of State John Kerry said at a press conference Monday. “But it is important to understand that we, the United States, are almost finished with Season 4.

“Season 4, episode 10,” Kerry continued. “So that’s three more episodes of Sea-

son 4, and then Season 5, part 1 has eight episodes, and so far, Season 5, part 2 has aired six episodes, so that’s ... 17 more episodes. Yep. And the final episode airs in five days.

That’s doable. That’s doable for sure.

“We understand the pressing nature of the situation in Syria, and we want to make it clear that we are doing everything we can to watch these remaining episodes in a comprehensive yet efficient way,” Kerry said.

The U.S. Department of State issued a report concluding that if the cabinet watches 3.4 episodes each day for the next five days, they can catch up on all 17 remaining episodes and can make the “Breaking Bad” finale party that will be held at the United

Nations Office in Geneva, Switzerland this Sunday.

“And then, we’ll definitely talk to Syria,” Kerry continued.

Sources close to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin reported that he was caught up only to the first half of Season 5, having taken a hiatus to watch all of “Orange is the New Black.” When reached for comment, Putin said, “Mike is a badass. He should have his own show.”

Both Russia and the U.S. have indicated they would like to involve the U.N. in demanding Syria relinquish its weapons, and at press time, they had called a U.N. meeting to both discuss the possibility of formally condemning Syria, as well as decide what to watch next, “Mad Men,” “The Wire,” or “Dr. Who.”

Third-Year Student Enthusiastic to Start Another Mediocre Year of School

Mock A.S. Council Our mission is to facilitate and encourage students to grow and develop through their involvement in student government, its services and auxiliaries. We promote student engagement in all areas of campus life through leadership, advocacy, and service in order to build and strengthen our community. (Wednesdays at 6 p.m., Price Center West Ballrooms)

Smoke-Free UCSD Enforcement Club

z

Help crack down on smokers around campus. You don’t even have to attend one of our weekly meetings, just follow these simple anti-smoker tips: 1. Walk up to the offender. 2. Snatch the cigarette or “weed cigarette” from his or her mouth. 3. Throw it back in their face! Evildoers deserve to be punished!!!! (Tuesdays at 8 p.m., outside the UCPD offices)

Pre-Med Club Come have your dreams crushed by coming to an eventual realization that a 3.9 GPA is not good enough and med schools just want you to be "different" and maybe you're just not good enough. Is this even what you WANT in life?! OH DEAR GOD WHAT AM I DOING. (Wednesdays at 8 p.m., Old Student Center)

Pre-Meds Anonymous Come and talk about how you feel after attending a meeting of Pre-Med Club. Tissues and soundbytes of encouraging parents and friends are available.

(Wednesdays at 9 p.m., Old Student Center)

Post-Pre-Meds Come readjust to your new life after you drop out of the medical school application process and become a normal member of society again. We can help you choose a fun, easy major to get into, like Communications, or Marine Biology, and teach you normal activities you might not be familiar with, like “sleeping,” or “not crying.”

(Wednesdays at 10 p.m., Old Student Center)

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Losing Your Virginity and Getting Your Wisdom Teeth Out UC San Diego pamphlet propaganda only works on 8 out of 9 students.

BY GARRETT CHAN Managing Editor

R

ested and somewhat refreshed after 11 weeks of summer vacation, thirdyear UC San Diego student Liza Yim reported that she was, in very certain terms, “excited to get back into the dull, anesthetizing grind of being at school.”

Yim, who as a freshman entered UCSD’s bioengineering program, reportedly began to lose sight of the dreams she had of “applying for medical school, or going into pharmaceuticals, or, like, repairing cleft palates in the Third World, or something.”

“I got a lab position doing research right away, and it seemed cool at the time — bone marrow research,” Yim said. “But after two months of washing petri dishes, making cultures, and listening to grad students tell me over and over about osteoblasts, I knew it wasn’t my passion — it wasn’t

for me.”

Yim will be entering her third year in the bone marrow lab, hoping and praying that this will finally be the year she actually “gets interested in this shit.” Yim is also reportedly anticipating the joys of her classes to come this quarter with bated breath.

“I’m taking fluid dynamics with Miller, which I heard is really hard, so I’m looking forward to hours of studying for the quizzes, only to achieve middling scores that will keep me guessing all quarter,” she said. “Will I get a B- or a C+? I can’t wait to find out.”

Hoping to bolster her résumé, Yim is considering a variety of co-curriculars, in addition to the productive, cornea-stimulating hours she already spends in the lab playing “Minesweeper” on the old XP machine she’s allowed to use. With consideration and deliberation, Yim has narrowed down her choices.

“I think doing Engineers

Without Borders would be fun. It’s always great to go to those first GBMs where the soda’s warmer than the pizza,” Yim said. “And everyone’s so excited to meet you, and you can’t remember anyone’s name, but you just know that the business chair really sees something in you, leadership potential, or whatever, that could really make a difference to the org.”

Yim then remembered that she was already a member of EWB, and that she hadn’t gone to a single meeting since the middle of last winter quarter.

Professional development aside, Yim knows that her personal life this year, like last year, will be “tepid.”

When further questioned, she muttered, gazing forlornly at nothing in particular, “David Cruz has been in most of my classes the past two years, and I usually try to sit behind him. Maybe this time he’ll turn around and look at

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

me when I drop my pencil.

“Maybe I should drop something heavier, like my graphing calculator, or my iPad. That should work, right?” she continued hopefully.

Yim then sighed and gave a resigned smile. “Still,” Yim said, “I know something good will happen to me this year.

I’m gonna be more outgoing, and make friends in my classes. I’ll form one of those really awesome study groups, where you have fun and build lifelong friendships while learning.”

What Yim did not realize was that she was inadvertently quoting a passage on a brochure she had picked up at a study skills seminar last year, and she gleefully continued to fantasize about how the year would turn out.

After a few minutes of naïve daydreaming, Yim was seen walking into her class, sitting down in the back row, and immediately falling asleep.

10. Your mother scheduled it for you 9. Your dentist recommended you get it done before you turn 20 and gave you a referral 8. You are really sleepy for a full day after 7. Your dad filmed the hilarious aftermath and uploaded it to YouTube 6. You masturbated beforehand 5. Now you have your teeth in a jar 4. You woke up six hours after, alone and disoriented 3. You had to watch an informational video before you did it 2. You still feel that empty hole inside you 1. In the end, the promise of ice cream doesn’t make it worth it

THE MQ

Who needs friends when you have deadlines?

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome

theMQ.org

Page 10

September 24, 2013

HDH Introduces “Temporary Quadruple” Bed Sharing Program

EDITORIAL Walking Back Home from Five Guys, Which Has the Best Cajun Fries!

BY ALAN PROST

Just Bought Five Guys decided that I was hungry and wanted to get some food, since I’d been in class all day from noon to 2 p.m. and I had just walked like over a mile from campus, so I went in to order a cheeseburger, Cajun fries, and a soda, and while I waited, I snacked on those free peanuts that they give you — what schmucks they are to give away food for free like that — and messed around with the crazy soda machine that they have, the one where you can choose basically any combination of Coca-Cola product with any flavoring, but my order came up crazy fast, so I had to abruptly stop at mixing vanilla-flavored Diet Sprite with cherry-flavored Cherry Coke and sit down with my meal, which I devoured in mere minutes, maybe less, starting by delicately slipping the burger out of its wrapper into something more comfortable — my mouth, haha — and then finishing by eating a two-person serving of the Cajun fries by myself in even less time, which was badass until I realized I’d have to run home to down some of my roommate Craig’s 2-percent milk (Craig claims he’s watching his figure) and because I always forget how spicy those Cajun fries can get, especially with two orders of ‘em; luckily, I learned in bio last year, or the year before maybe, that

I

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“If I poisoned everyone else, I would wonder how long I could live in a single before they filled it up again,” thought every person simultaneously.

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER

F

Editor-in-Chief

acing unanticipated overenrollment and an ensuing housing shortage, UCSD Housing, Dining, and Hospitality Services announced last week that it has instituted “temporary quadruple” rooms in several freshman dorms, with one bed to be shared between every two roommates.

The two-bed “temporary quadruple” room configuration was introduced shortly after a plan to convert single rooms into temporary doubles, which quickly proved unpopular among students.

In a burst of unprecedented creativity, HDH chose to rectify the situation by doubling the room’s occupancy while keeping everything else the same.

The quadruple is only one of several creatively laid out dorms that will hopefully “foster a climate of trust,

mental and physical closeness, and body heat,” according to a statement issued by HDH spokesperson Melissa Falter.

“College can be a frightening new experience for students,” Falter said. “We felt incoming freshmen would be the most satisfied with their rooming situations if they had someone to cuddle with at night.”

A proposal to initiate allco-ed housing was considered but ultimately rejected, due to concerns that any procreation, which would lead to an increase of the UCSD population, would cause even more devastating housing, food, and lecture hall shortages.

Students will have various options to manage sharing a temporary quadruple, and HDH has issued a pamphlet with information and tips on how to share the room. Tips include increasing storage by hanging less commonly used

items out the window, eating fewer calories to avoid taking up too much dorm space, and, as is already expected of all UCSD students, going home on weekends.

Students are also encouraged to experiment with each of their roommates in turn to determine whose body type is most conducive to spooning.

“HDH understands living situations will vary; roommates should make this work in whichever way is best for them,” the pamphlet reads.

“While some roommates will maintain a platonic relationship, others may find that a romantic relationship is more suited to our bed sharing program.”

HDH has also turned some former double rooms into triple rooms, and a similar sharing program is available to students.

“It’s the same kind of deal.

To save floor space, there’s one large bed, which is actually two twin beds pushed

together, and the three residents can share the space however they want to,” Falter said. The HDH suggests options such as “sleeping in shifts,” “entering a sexual relationship,” and “just sort of lying next to each other.”

An important piece of the HDH plan stipulates that students will not be allowed to request roommate changes for the first three weeks after move-in.

“We want to encourage students to explore all options in those first three weeks — you never know when something might change between you and your roommate, sometimes for the better,” Falter said, winking.

For those students who are adamantly opposed to bed sharing, HDH is, as a last resort, also offering a $1,000 dining-dollar stipend to students who give up their on-campus housing. The program is being referred to as the “Die-Alone Plan.”

UCSD Housing’s Guide to What to Bring to College Condoms

Gel Pens

In case your balloon supply is running low.

Available at: Party City, bathroom underneath Pines

You’ve got to be kidding yourself if you think you’ll survive college without gel pens.

Available at: You haven’t bought your gel pens yet? Good. Luck.

A Healthy Supply of Paperweights

Herpes Cream

Annotated Bible

Shower Shoes

UCSD recommends each student bring 306,500 paperweights to last through fall quarter.

Available at: The foot of most trees, babbling brooks

This’ll help when you’re feeling down and need a good laugh.

Available at: Motel 6 Hotel Supply Store

A Door for Your Bathroom

You’d be surprised how many freshmen forget to bring this dorm-room staple.

Available at: If you’re quick enough, a public restroom.

Crotchless Dora the Explorer Underwear

‘Cause they go so nice with your Isa the Iguana nipple clamps.

Available at: GapKids Spring Collection.

Goldfish Costume for a Mid-Sized Dog.

You’ll need this if you plan on bringing Buster. 10-gallon tank optional.

Available at: Ursula’s Halloween Costumes in UTC. You’ll need to dress him up in a little human costume first so they’ll let him in.

You know what you did. We don’t need to tell you why you need this.

Available at: Your parents’ nightstand, Price Center Bookstore

UCSD recommends you buy cross trainers for speedy showers.

Available at: Shoe stores, RIMAC gym lockers.

Dignity

We recommend bring plenty of this, since it’s hard to come by on campus.

Available at: Out of stock

Body Pillow with an Image of Your Roommate Screen Printed on it

For when your roommate gets tired of spooning.

Available at: www.customink.com

milk has casein which binds to the capsaicin to get it washed out of your mouth because its hydrophobicity interacts with the oil-like nature of capsaicin, which is caused by the presence of abundantly and appropriately located hydrophobic amino acid moieties, like valine, leucine, and isoleucine, which, as we all know, are essential amino acids, which obviously means that they can’t be created in the body due to the lack of appropriate cellular machinery, so as a result, they’ve got to be obtained through outside consumption of nutrients, like, well, virtually all meats, or supplements, but then, you’ve got to take care when you’re ingesting supplements; after all, many of them don’t undergo regulation by the Food and Drug Administration given, of course, its stipulation that they don’t claim to diagnose, treat, or prevent any disease, so theoretically, you could just throw some extra white powder — powdered sugar, flour, cocaine, what have you — that’s lying around and claim some weird effect like, I don’t know, it makes your muscles bigger because it was harvested from the canopy of the tallest tree in the Amazon jungle; in other words, complete bullshit, though it’s not all bad; honestly, those Vitamin A supplements I’ve been taking are totally worth the slight inconvenience, stares, and alienation I’ve faced ever since I developed orange skin, because I think I can actually kind of see a little better — at least, supposedly my vision improved between my two most recent checkups (on which I totally didn’t cheat) at that Estonian doctor by the freeway on-ramp next to the Somali deli who gets a little too excited to check for hernias by skipping straight to it and asks me to turn my head to the side and cough like 20 times.

TOP FIFTEEN

Ways to Make More Space in Your Triple 15. Ask your parents to leave 14. Balance one bed halfway out the window 13. Choose one roommate to alienate so they never want to come in 12. Secede from the union and try to conquer the rest of your floor 11. Store a closet inside another closet 10. Limit yourself to three pairs of socks 9. Eat all of your roommates’ food 8. Downsize guitar to a ukelele 7. Remove extraneous limbs 6. Buy fun-size everything 5. Finally make the switch to Internet porn 4. Leave your attitude at the door 3. It’s time to let your secret dorm orca back into the wild 2. Hollow everything out for storage 1. Move into the crawlspace above your room We kinda need new photographers, too.

Diorama of Your Own Dorm

In which there’s a smaller diorama of your dorm, in which there’s a smaller diorama of your dorm, and so on.

Available at: We don’t know where to buy this, but it’d be damn cool, right?

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.

theMQ.org

September 24, 2013

Page 11

Area Man “Just Lays There” For Six Hours a Day

Freshman Begins New Chapter in Life, Unaware Things Will Get Weird

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“College is so awesome!” exclaimed Chun, “This nice man in a rabbit mask I just met offered to take me to an ‘adult playground,’ which is perfect because I just turned 18!”

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

Research was temporarily halted as scientists tried to figure out whether “lay” or “lie” was grammatically correct when describing the patient.

BY TREV MALONE

S

Publicity Editor

cientists have yet to determine the unusual syndrome of middle-aged San Diego native Samuel Vasquez, who, between the hours of 11:30 p.m. and 5:30 a.m. every day, “just sort of lays there doing nothing.”

Scientists are unsure exactly as to the cause of Mr. Vasquez’s lack of movement; however, multiple theories have been presented. Researcher Dr. Ivan Werner has hypothesized that the syndrome is a modified version of a comatose state, which he is calling a “dead state.” Warner’s research has prompted a nationally funded research venture.

“We call it a ‘dead state’ because we think he might actually be dead during those periods, which could open up a whole new world of scientific possibility,” Werner explained. “A subject being

able to alternately become dead and reanimate is truly fascinating and holds much promise for further research into mortality and human longevity.”

Vasquez began to attract the attention of researchers after his wife, Judy Vasquez, made several 911 calls upon finding Mr. Vasquez in his “dead state” and perceiving him to be deceased.

“We were watching [popular Canadian home renovation show] ‘Love It or List It, Too’ on HGTV, and I looked over and him, and he’d stopped moving,” comments Mrs. Vasquez. “He was just lying there. I cried all night, and then in the morning, he got up for a minute, told me to stop making so much goddamn noise, laid back down again, and went right back into that same state.”

Werner and his team of researchers have looked for a possible cause of Vasquez’s apparent lapse in vitality, with

some initial reports naming the high volume of “Love It or List It, Too” episodes Vasquez and his wife watched each day as a possible catalyst for his recurring condition.

In their observations of Vasquez during his “dead state,” researchers have also noted a loud groaning sound that emanates as air escapes from his mouth in short, repeated bursts. They believe to be either a deterrent to intimidate predators or perhaps a mating ritual.

“We believe the subject, by making these noises, may be saying, ‘I am a strong creature, and though I am in a ‘dead state,’ approaching predators should fear my call and retreat,’” Werner said.

Werner also explained an alternative theory, which suggests that the sound functions as a mating call: “He might also be saying something like ‘I am a strong, virile predator; please mate with me.’” Upon further study, these cries were

found to deter both predators and other subjects.

Researchers have also noted that upon leaving his “dead state” at 5:30 a.m., Mr. Vasquez’s demeanor has been described as “cranky” and “sluggish.” He has also vocally declared a craving for a hot black liquid he called “cup o’ Joe,” which, once consumed, restores his behavior to that observed shortly before the dead state.

Mr. Vasquez has been approached by numerous researchers who wish to research his condition more closely. Werner hopes his detailed inquiries into Vasquez’s symptoms will help to prevent more people from suffering from similar conditions.

“I am particularly interested in why he closes his eyes throughout the dead state.

It’s almost as if — ah, shit,” Werner said. “Was he just sleeping the whole time? Jesus Christ. Yeah, shit. He was sleeping.”

I PROMISE I’LL MAKE THIS BRIEF PLANE BREAKS DOWN ON RUNWAY, PASSENGERS FORCED TO GET OUT AND PUSH Operations at San Diego International Airport were interrupted for 30 minutes earlier today when a Spirit Airlines 737-800 suffered a double engine failure just before takeoff.

Making matters worse, the passengers of Flight 523 to Dallas/ Fort Worth were forced by the flight crew to push the ailing plane over a quarter of a mile back to the gate, which prides itself on making the experience of air travel as similar to that of riding a public bus as possible.

At a press conference held later that day, Spirit spokesman Jacob Rattinger explained that a tug back to the gate would have been too expensive for the discount airline.

“Our airfare is only good for travel between the two airports on the ticket. Any transportation you need beyond that is your problem,” Rattinger said. “This is how we keep our prices at the level our customers deserve.”

Many passengers were angry about having to push their own flight to the gate, calling it “dangerous” and “inconvenient.”

“I can understand making the college weightlifting team push the plane,” one exhausted passenger said. “But did they really need to make the babies do it too?”

Other passengers felt that they were not adequately compensated for performing such arduous manual labor.

Passenger Brian Legge complained, “I pushed that fucker over 1,000 feet of taxiway and they still wouldn’t give me free peanuts!”

AREA EVENT AFFECTS LOCAL MAN Earlier in time, local neighborhood resident Robert Brown witnessed an atypical event that neighbors confirmed occurred. At the time, Mr. Brown was doing an activity, one he had done for most days of his adult life, when the event attracted his attention.

Never before could such an occurrence have been anticipated by him, especially given his neighborhood, a fact that he was eager to point out.

“I was just out and about performing the events of my daily life when this event distracted me and drew my attention,” Brown said. “Faster than I could recite ‘War and Peace’ from memory, it grew and became even more distracting than it had been before, and I had to stop the activity I had previously been partaking in.

In fact, everyone else around me had to immediately stop their activities, too. It was a very conspicuous occurrence.”

Previous occurrences of this event drew sparse attention, and most observers hardly noticed anything going on, but work Brown had done years ago, which was tangentially related to the situation, played into the interest of national media outlets. When the event resurfaced near his hometown, it brought up further hints that Brown was at least associated with its instigators, if he had not spearheaded the event entirely.

“I can assure you I had absolutely nothing to do with this,” Brown insisted. “But I am truly and emphatically sorry for any involvement I had with ‘The Lone Ranger.’ Johnny Depp should never have been cast as a Native American.”

VACATION TOTALLY RUINED BY LAME-ASS PARENTS, RULES

LOCAL POOL CELEBRATES MILLIONTH PERSON TO PEE IN IT

Despite initial excitement for the event, local teen Dana Shapiro was reportedly very disappointed with her recent family vacation to Sydney, Australia, claiming it was ruined by her “totally square” parents and their “dumb-ass rules.”

Shapiro, who was in the coastal city for the first two weeks of September, was allegedly angered by the fact that her parents still enforced curfew while they were abroad and were “damp — like not even wet, just damp — blankets” about her “having any fun, like, whatsoever.”

“Like, this cute surfer, Tyler, who looked exactly like James Marsden, by the way, invited me to go party with his friends, but, like, my mom and dad said no because he was taking me to the sketchy part of town,” said Shapiro. “But like, it’s not even really that sketchy, because I walked there and there was a bookstore AND a Pottery Barn. And there was a mall that had a Cheesecake Factory, too. And it was super busy!”

At press time, Shapiro was speaking with her “BFFs” on the phone, telling them about how her parents “like, ruined [her] life with how bad they were on the trip,” that she “hated them and they suck and she’d rather stay with Aunt Ruth even though she smells nasty,” while simultaneously attempting to track Tyler down to break into the hotel pool for what she described in a text message as a “secret midnight didgeridoo session.”

On Friday, September 20th, a community center in South La Jolla held a festive celebration in recognition of a total of one million people having urinated in its pool. The person to receive the honors was local resident Joshua Snyder, who visited the pool at the end of his morning workout routine.

“As soon as he began peeing, we noticed the spike in our pH monitor,” head supervisor Geraldine Rutherford said.

“The automatic balloons we rigged a few months ago rained down on the pool area, and the celebration began.

“We’ve been waiting a while for this,” Rutherford added.

“The advent of the seniors’ swim diaper has really cut down on our urination numbers.”

The lucky pool defiler’s prize reportedly included a yellow certificate and a pamphlet on waterborne illnesses commonly found in human urine.

The celebration was wellreceived until the more literate swimmers read the accompanying banner, which read, “Pee U! Urine Luck!” Following this, the pool goers began to run across the pool deck in order to escape what was until then a pleasant pocket of warmth in an otherwise frigid pool.

“I can’t believe I missed it by thirty seconds,” explained Jamal Williams. “If I had just held it in for longer, I could’ve had the whole pool to myself.”

“Jamal!” added Jamal’s mom, pulling him away from the now urine-polluted waters.

Snyder was unable to reached for further comment, being too far buried in his arms and self-loathing.

BY JACK BEEGAN

M

Staff Writer

oving into his new Eleanor Roosevelt College residential hall, freshman Donald Chun began “a new chapter in life,” completely oblivious to the fact that this chapter would usher in what many historians will refer to as a “weird part” of Chun’s lifenarrative.

“Ah, another milestone in my personal saga of American youth! Who knows how big this could be for me? The Pacific Ocean could very well be my Walden Pond!” Chun said, naïvely ignorant of the nights he will spend unable to sleep as his roommate, William Campbell, masturbates furiously in the bunk below.

“And I couldn’t ask for better people in my building!” he went on, motioning to the structure in which he will first try Robitussin and spend hours listening to My Bloody Valentine albums on loop late into the night.

Critics believe this new section will be marked by dense academic jargon, an “almost Camus-worthy” amount of existentialism, and at least one painfully awkward sexual encounter. “That last part’s got me really excited,” said Lisa Richie of the popular blog “Lisa Likes Books and Sometimes Other Things Also.” “Heavy breathing, nervous laughter, and uncomfortable silences expressed with ellipsis; aw man I can’t wait! “’Cause you know what

happens in those uncomfortable silences?” Richie continued, laughing. “You know. I know you, so could, you know, I’m, uh, I’m not really sure what happens in those silences — of course, sex, but, well, like, what I’m trying to ask is, how you get to the, the, ‘sex point,’ or whatever.”

Anticipation and resulting speculation as to the content of the popular serial’s new installments abounds even among the literary elite. “This far, Chun’s had a very short leash so I can’t wait to see all the embarrassing shit he does with all his new freedom,” said one source who refused to give their name but repeatedly referred to themselves as a “big shot at a little paper that rhymes with brew porker.”

The anonymous editor then proceeded to throw out a handful of pretentious craftspeak to shore up their credibility, including the terms “denoument,” “bildungsroman,” and “book.”

“Most importantly, I’m just really happy I have the opportunity to reinvent myself and not deal with the bullshit of high school, you know? I’m really happy to be in an environment where I can focus on what really matters,” the currently undeclared Chun said before staring blankly at first year Bioinformatics student Natalie Alvarez, who lives on Chun’s floor and will briefly kiss him one night in winter quarter before throwing up all over him and avoiding him the rest of the year.

TOP TEN

Ways to Impress Your Classmates on the First Day of Class 10. Announce your office hours after the professor does 9. Tell your professor about how you learned similar material in your AP classes in high school 8. Make and hand out your own syllabus for the class 7. Bring your rock collection, they’re gonna go nuts for your wicked feldspar 6. Write your SAT and AP scores on your forehead so that people know you’re willing to talk about them all the time 5. Use college ruled paper to take your notes 4. Say “here” just before they call your name in roll call to show that you’re a master of the alphabet 3. Proudly tell everyone that you got into UCSD 2. Ensure that the passive voice is always used by you 1. Preface all questions with “My Dad told me...”

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Welcome Week Events You Totally HAVE To Go To! Sponsored by

20th Annual Sun God Virgin Sacrifice Come out and listen to the thumping beats of DJ Dreamz as you dance the night away while a randomly selected virgin is mercilessly slaughtered and you are all bathed in their blood. Come early and get FREE glowsticks!

and

September 24, 2013

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Pretend You’re Touring Berkeley Tour See all the great sites of UCSD, the school you attend, while hearing all the great facts about UC Berkeley, the school you wanted to go to! Stand in front of the Rady School of Management and hear all about the protests held at Sproul in the 1960s! Gaze upon Geisel and hear about Sather Tower!

Deportation Seminar with Janet Napolitano

That One Thing You Wanted to Go to

That Took Place at the Same Time as This Thing You Thought You Wanted to Go to but Was Actually Super Lame

You read that right, we are FINALLY hosting our own educational session on deporting illegals with the best in the biz, new UC President Janet Napolitano! You've seen the infomercials, and now YOU can hear from "Lady Border Enforcer" herself the best ways to dispose of untrustworthy immigrants.

RSVP on Port Triton.

That would have been sooo cool to go to, like seriously. You could’ve gone to this, but noooooooooooo, the other thing sounded so “practical” and you were patting yourself on the back for going when it was really just a lecture of things you already knew. Is that Cammy? She totally went to that, even — is that a free water bottle?? Uuuuuuugh, I’m so jealous.

PIKE’S Drink the Night Away Party!

Delta Gamma Fun Night!

Girls: free entrance. Guys: $50 and a 30-pack of beer. If you are under 21, Shasta will do. If you can't buy Shasta, one burrito for every PIKE member will be okay. If you can't get burritos, help a brother LIFT! Three Muscle Milks for every bro that does 15 reps of 50 pounds or higher on the dumbbells.

Your choice, your night!

We here at Delta Gamma have the best sisterhood bonding events ever! Girls: free entrance. Guys: $50 and a 30 pack of beer. If you are under 21, Shasta will do. If you can't buy Shasta, one burrito for every DELTA GAMMA member will be okay. If you can't get burritos help a sister LIFT! Three Muscle Milks for every sis that does two reps of five pounds or higher on the dumbbells. Your choice, your night!

UCSD Socialize Event

Meet-n-Greet with the Only Attractive Boy on Campus

Meet 3rd-year economics major Chase Dawson on Library Walk as he signs photographs of his Facebook profile printouts. If you think that’s not appealing, let me tell you, his jawline is smooth like butter but hard like granite, with the eyes of an ice queen. And when he pushes his hair back?

Whoo. Watch that and try to keep your pants dry.

This event will take place throughout the entire year.

Location: IN YOUR ROOM, ALONE. Don't leave ever.

Time: ALL THE TIME. Note: Rooms will change on a per year basis.

Two Truths and a

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All-You-Can-Eat Campuswide Buffet

This icebreaker is a classic twist on the two truths and a lie game. It’s a great way to get to know your classmates and bond over your universal adoration of your favorite widely available carbonated beverage. The only lie you’ll hear in this game is someone pretending not to love Shasta!

Meet near the dumpsters outside of any campus dining hall for this awesome opportunity to spend your dining dollars in an unusual way! Bring a plate, and once you get to the dumpsters, ask for Mike. Pay him five dollars and he’ll swipe your UCSD ID card, at which point you can proceed into the dumpster area and feast! Enjoy.

Clubs That Are Also A Capella Groups

Awkward Friends of Convenience Exchange

A fun student organization festival where you can meet all 20 organizations that also technically count as a cappella groups! Meet the Work Whistlers, a group of student workers who sing during shifts. Or the Wednesday Night Karaoke Sistas, an all-female a capella group comprised entirely of sisters from the Chi Epsilon sorority.

This is the place to bring all of those friends you added on Facebook during move-in and exchange them for people who actually get you. And don’t forget to come back to our Week 1 exchange once you realize the friends you made during Welcome Week didn’t quite cut it, either.

Condom-Penis Ring Toss

Vitamin D Absorption Festival

Learn important safe sex tips as UCSD SHS shows you how to correctly put on a condom in this fun and educational lawn game. Bring condoms; friends will be provided upon arrival.

Students at UCSD boast the seventh-lowest rate of Vitamin D deficiency, thanks in no small part to our annual Vitamin D Absorption Festival. Convene on quads throughout campus to fight off oncoming osteoporosis and a general pasty appearance by standing and letting your skin take in the nutrients it really, really, really needs. Event lasts through the day.

© 2010 UCSD ICRA