EDITOR-IN-CHIEF VOL. XII
Facebook/Instagram: @xzaviervsimon
Website: www.themodernqueer.com
Instagram: @Isaiahhill15
Facebook: Isaiah Hill
Website:
Tales from the new generation.
This is a photo of me in 2008 when I was 18 years old It is here to symbolize camaraderie with Vol 12's featured guest who just turned 18 this past December I think we can all remember when we were 18, or what we envision for ourselves when we become 18. For me, I was a sophomore in college and juggling my feelings between three guys. Basically, I was trying to recreate the feelings from my first serious relationship I was quite the character
I'm proud that the Modern Queer has reached teenage queer people The fact that they want to step forward and tell their stories is an incredible honor that I do not take lightly For this issue, I want you to see the bigness of the featured guest. I want you to feel his spirit, and understand that there is more to this young man than meets the eye.
Well, without further ado. Please enjoy Vol. 12
XZAVIER V. SIMON Editor-In-Chief
BY XZAVIER V SIMON | PHOTOS BY ISAIAH HILL
Vol 12's feature Isaiah Hill is a unique individual When I sat down and interviewed him, he brought forth my spiritual self and made me ask the question, on more than one occasion, who are you?
To be 18-years-old, the college freshman moved my spirit in a way that many twice his age have not It's not really about what he says, but the energy behind it He may not understand it yet, but there's a higher calling for him and his life I'm appreciative the Creator let us connect before his journey really begins, and for any bond created in the future
This conversation with Isaiah and I, while short, hits a wide variety of topics The one thing that sticks out here is family and his battle to voice his truth I believe we can all relate to stepping out of our families shadows and challenging their teachings and narratives If we don't, how will we ever grow into our own selves?
With that being said, here is the Modern Queer's twelfth feature: Isaiah Hill
CEO in the making Isaiah Hill, how are you today?
I’m good. How are you?
I'm good. You just turned 18 right?
Yeah, I just turned 18
18 is year they say you grown. Dunno who conjured up that narrative. [laughs] Tell us…well tell me, cause this is our first time ever meeting, who are you?
That is the question that I'm trying figure out myself
I'm still trying to figure out what my place is, you know, as being a gay male in America Trying to figure out what I should really do I don't know who I am yet, you know?
There's plenty of time for exploration don't worry. Where are you from and what high school did you recently graduate from?
I'm from Flint, Michigan, born and raised I went to Powers Catholic High School
That must mean you come from money. [laughs]
That is what everybody says but that's not the truth People have this way of thinking that everybody from Powers has money and it's not true A lot of people are actually struggling
Really?
Their parents are struggling to send them to a good school for a better education.
Because we associate paying money with better education.
Some people might not say it's a better education I might say, you know, it's the same education at any public school, but people at Powers be struggling sometimes Obviously there are the rich assholes
I mean they were out here by Northwestern High School before they bought the old Michigan School of the Deaf. We were all like, 'well damn!'
They had to move from the north side is why they did it
We know! [laughs] They didn't want to be around ghetto folk So 18, Powers High, Flint resident Let's talk about you and the University of Michigan
- Flint. You are a freshman majoring in Business Supply Chain Management to do what?
I want to work for like a big company Supply chain is just like focusing on the whole thing I will have like a staff and all that Even the marketing stuff, cause I'm thinking about getting a minor in marketing
You probably should. Do you enjoy your program?
Well, I haven't really actually started, but I had like a beginner business class and it was fine. I haven't exactly gotten to it because it has so many prerequisites to get through
How do you like being on campus?
Well I've been a part of this program called CEO, since the seventh grade.
For real? I used to teach for that program. I wonder how I didn’t run into you before.
Yeah I got the scholarship, so I've been on this campus for a long time. I actually really like this campus It's really liberal, and welcoming I get counseling for free I'm a big mental health advocate
Why are you a big mental health advocate?
Just because I feel like mental health, especially in the Black community, is seen as, you know, ' you don't have nothing to be depressed about your young. ' Like, even though we ' re young, you still go through things You still experience stuff and you have a reason to be depressed I think that is very serious and Black families don't think that it's a priority
I think that's one of those taboo things Black people knew about but didn't or don't talk about openly.
I think that your mental health is just as big as your physical health They have counseling here for free to go see somebody, talk about your issues, whatever. They have like a good LGBTQ community here. You know they give out free condoms and stuff I feel like it's welcoming
If you're big on mental health, how do you keep yourself sane as a new college student?
I usually go to my friend Maya for my advice or my best friend Noelle I feel like if you keep everything bottled up, it's going to explode Even if you ' re not talking to a professional, talk to somebody Get your thoughts out I used to write It's something about pencil and paper
You speaking my language! Now let's get into some of the real questions. When did come to the realization about your queerness?
Well, I've always really known
Do tell.
Like in elementary school, I didn't know that I liked guys, but I knew that I felt something towards same sex people I used to like chase boys around Just little kids having fun, but the signs were still there, you know? But eventually I came to the realization that I'm gay. By the time I was in like seventh or eighth grade, I knew
We're sitting here having this conversation in a very public venue, which to me, says that you must be confident and comfortable in it
Yeah. I am now because now I really just don’t give a fuck I really just don’t, you know?
Do all queer people just not give a fuck? [laughs]
At first it was really hard Especially like I had to come out to…well...when I came out to my parents.
Tell me how that went. Talking with family about this particular subject can be a tricky thing.
"In elementary school I didn't know that I liked guys, but I knew that I felt something towards same sex people "
"[My mom] thought that I was doing something [suspect] and that’s when it all started. That's when I just said, ‘yeah, I'm gay.’"
Before I came out to my parents, I came out to close friends and they were obviously they're my friends so they were really warming That really helped having a support system
How was the conversation with your parents?
That is a very long story [laugh]
[laughs] Cause you live with both your mother and father right?
And I have an older brother I wasn't ready to come out to my parents It was kind of like forced I felt like it was forced just because in middle school, I used to get bullied for being gay, but obviously I wasn't out Nobody knew, you know what I'm saying? It was all too myself, but the signs were there And guys would pick on me because they knew and they would see certain things. I had all female friends and I was friends with their girlfriends and they didn't really like that
Bunch of hating ass niggas! [laughs]
[laughs] You know they would say things or whatever At the end of the day, I really just had to get over it But with my parents, I felt I was forced to come out
Was it a conversation that they brought up or did they do what my mom did and pop the question before you were on your way to philosophy class? [laughs]
I was on my way to school and I was going to school early My mom said, ‘why are you going to school early? Who you going to see?’ She thought that I was going to see a guy or something like that She was like, ‘ you ' re probably going to do some gay stuff at school ’
Where is the tea because I swear moms be knowing! But, bold of her to assume
And I was like, ‘well not exactly ’ I wasn't going to see a guy I was going to hang out with the girls cause that's all I had, you know what I'm saying? I was like, ‘well I’m going to school early to hang out with them.’ [My mom] thought that I was doing something [suspect] and that’s when it all started That's when I just said, ‘yeah, I'm gay ’
Ahhh, I understand. When you feel backed into a corner or just get tired of hiding something that shouldn’t have to be a secret in the first place, you do take the 'well fuck it' mentality.
You know we had many conversations with my father, and trying to figure it out. Like, really trying to figure out why They wanted to know why, but I can't give a why
In a real way you shouldn't have to. It just is what it is.
It just is There's no explanation There is no why This is just who I am
Being raised in a Black family myself, there is always this need to have an explanation or rationale for everything. In that conversation with your parents, did you feel like, well, I'm assuming it was a lot of back and forth.
It wasn't just that one day It was over a period of time My junior year of high school we had those hard conversations, and I was still young. I was 16 and I was still trying to figure out stuff for myself
I empathize. For some reason people ask and want answers because they feel they have a right to know. I get that as a parent or whomever, you want to know, but what is forgotten is that we are also in search of answers to those questions and our own. It can be a very confusing, emotional and mentally exhausting period And, it's nobodies business.
At that time I hadn't experienced anything with other people or you get what I'm saying? I was still trying to wrap my own head around it
Did religion come into play during those conversations? I have a friend recently who went through an ordeal with his parents about his queerness and religious upbringing
Religion did come into it I was raised Baptist They tried to do religion They tried to say like it’s a sin I was like, well, if you wanna look at it that way, we all sinning so at that point who really cares Cause like, it's a whole bunch of sins. Getting a tattoo is a sin. Getting a piercing is a sin At the end of the day, we all are sinning so why is my sin bigger than yours?
Well if I remember correctly, it does say he without sin shall cast the first stone. And they took that? [laughs]
[laughs]
I got you. [laughs] How is it now? Is everybody comfortable with it or are there still little moments?
Honestly it’s like kind of like an elephant in the room My senior year I told them that I didn't want to talk to them about it no more I wanted to figure it out on my own and I would come to them if I had anything to say about it or had anything I wanted them to let them know I wasn't coming to them They were coming to me and trying to force me to say stuff that I wasn't comfortable saying yet.
And honestly, I don't even know like, if I wasn't forced to come out, would I even be out right now, you know what I'm saying? But when my parents knew, I was like, I don’t give a fuck everybody can know now [laughs]
It sounds like those moments with your parents forced you to get comfortable in it, or at the very least, forced you to gain greater awareness of self. Okay, knowing all of that, what was the push that made you say, I wanna sit down and share my story?
It's a lot of people in this world, or it's like people in Flint who aren't comfortable, who aren't ready, who don't think that there's people out there like us And, if I can help somebody cause I wish somebody could’ve help me, you know? If I can help somebody, then you know, I want to give back
I was a sophomore in college at 18. My identity was wrapped around being gay and being a student, and you're saying you wanna help people. How do you define yourself at this point in your life?
Labels have always been something that I didn't really like. Even though I am gay, there's a lot of things to me When you see me, you shouldn't see, ‘oh he's a Black gay male ’ You should see a lot more things cause there's a lot more to me than just me being gay.
I agree 100%.
It's important, but it's one of the many important things that come with Isaiah Hill. [laughs] With that being said, I live my life not to live under being a gay Black male I’m going to be who I am and I'm going to continue to do what I do
I’m glad you didn’t because the gay life and external pressure can make you foreign even to yourself.
I didn't change myself I'm still the same person I dress the same, act the same, hang out with the same people, you know what I'm saying? But I just like dudes
Have you had any struggles because of your racial identity mixed with your sexual one?
That's a good question Well, with racial identity, one time in class before I even get started, you got Powers right? You deal with a lot of different people with lot of different beliefs. A lot of different conservatives and a lot of different liberal beliefs Some of the white males can be really Racist?
Not even racist though Ignorant then?
Ignorant to the fact and not just about race, but about sexuality, mental health, all that I was in class one day and this dude said that he hated gay people. He didn't know that I was gay. I didn't know him He could walk past me and I wouldn't know nothing about this boy [laughs]
Wouldn’t know a thang [laughs] Okay Keke
Exactly [laughs] He said something really crazy My teacher, me and her had a really good connection and she knew who I was, immediately kicked him out It really showed me that in the world there are people who really just don't care about you. It don't matter They might not know nothing about you, but the first thing they hear about you is being gay and you ' re automatically dead to them
The unfortunate reality, yes.
With me being Black, I'm already considered below average because of my skin color Now I'm adding being gay. Now you ' re less of a man because you like men which isn't true obviously, you know what I’m saying?
Unfortunately I do. The argument is that Black queerness is destroying the idea of Black masculinity, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. If anything, we are expanding and broadening its definition, because there are some very manly queer men, transgender and otherwise. But this is a good segway into your definition of masculinity.
I hate toxic masculinity!
But what does that mean to you?
Toxics are like, for example, I have an older brother [who I'm] really close with I love my brother; that's my nigga for life But, I told him he has toxic masculinity.
[laughs] I must be talking to the black sheep of the family.
Like, say for instance, he won't get his eyebrows done because that's considered gay And I'm like, you know you like girls, who gives a fuck? Go get your eyebrows done It's like your masculinity is so fragile that you ' re scared to wear pink or you ' re scared to do something because you'll be labeled as gay Which means in reality you ' re scared of what other people think of you
And perhaps hiding something
That's what I think about toxic masculinity. People need to live their life and do what the hell they want to do instead of worrying about what anybody else think about them
What have your experiences been like with the queer community in Flint? I assume that you are sort of new on the scene. How has that experience been, if you've had any experiences with them at all?
The Flint community there's not a lot of African Americans who are out, and I don't really deal with the [down lows] because they're toxic [laughs] I don't have that many experiences with people in Flint because I haven't really I haven't met somebody who's worth my time because guys want sex That's one, again, one important part of many other important things to complete the relationship.
Well I am under the suspicion that we as gay men live in a certain paradox. That on one end of the spectrum we all say we want relationships. On the other end of the spectrum, we are gunning to fuck each other
Exactly
What are your thoughts on that?
I think especially in this generation with the Only Fans, all this stuff out, I really think that the Black gay community, for males it's just wrapped around sex It's so much more to a relationship You got to find the gray area You've got to find the middle part Honestly like, that's not even a problem within the gay community though. That's the problem in the world.
"My dad wakes up at four in the morning and starts my mom car. It's the little things that make you care for somebody."
Why do you think we're focused on experiencing each other only through sex?
Because we ’ re guys [laughs] Damn!
Well, not even as we guys cause I hate that ' men will be men ' type stuff Honestly, some people can be sex driven You look at a heterosexual couple, usually the guy is more sex driven than the female, which isn't exactly accurate
No it is not. [laughs]
You have two guys together, the sex drive is going to go off the chain
What defines a relationship then, and what are you looking for in a man to be in a relationship with?
That's a good question Let me see [laughs]
You are odd ball. [laughs]
Well, in a relationship, obviously you have the basic stuff like trust When it comes to being the perfect guy for me, you have to show me that you love me for me. You also gotta be caring. It's not like a perfect science I don't know like the exact type of dude I want, but like you ' ve got to have these moments of care; these moments of you doing the little things that matter
For example the little things to me: my mom and my dad have been together for 30 plus years My dad wakes up at four o 'clock in the morning and he starts my mom car before she goes to work It's the little things that make you care for somebody. I just want somebody that is truly down for me and only me
Moving on a bit, what are your goals and aspirations outside of school?
I really want to before I'm 30, I really want to make six figures
Well that gives you about 11, 12 years.
That's always like, well, good luck
The way the world works now, you could literally blow up and be famous overnight, so I wouldn't discount it.
I dunno I wanna figure out how I can use my major or use my degree to help people What can I do to better somebody else? I don't know what can I do with a supply chain management degree to help people
Well you getting it, you don’t know what you wanna do? [laughs]
I have no idea Another big dream, which is really a stretch...I want to open up a nursing home.
What's the thought process behind that?
My mom she wanted to open up a nursing home called Floras, which is her grandmother's name. I think I want to open up some kind of business to help people Like open up like a shelter I don't know, like something to help people
You obviously feel very strongly about this.
Cause I feel like there's so many homeless people in America Statistically we up there I really want to figure out what can I do to help these people; to help others.
I'm gonna shift the tone for a second so bear with me. Listening to you talk and sitting in your presence, there's been changes in your energy. I keep getting the vibe that there's a deeper persona to you. Why, I guess for lack of a better word, the lack of authenticity or the covering?
What do you mean?
It feels like you structured your life in such a way that doesn't really reflect the real you. There's something behind this smile that means so much more. Like there's a deeper part of you that wants to show itself.
I have so much family on Facebook, and I came out to my family, but I haven't exactly came out to the world. Facebook is a lot of like people that I went to middle school with that talk shit about me I haven't exactly posted a lot of me being gay I've hinted towards it but I've never exactly like came out I feel like the whole coming out thing is so irritating to me
It’s definitely played out. We need new terminology for that.
Like the fact that I got to come out, like ugh! You don't come out to your parents if you straight. Instagram I never really looked into like a deeper meaning towards it I just post the picture that I think is post-able
And they are! [laughs]
But like, I'm not good at expressing myself through social media Except for Twitter I tweet a lot
What is it about Twitter that gives you freedom in this big sort of way?
I feel more comfortable I feel like it's more easy to stay stuff The audience is better, you know what I'm saying?
Are you comfortable with something like this magazine then? Are you ready for that to make that kind of leap?
I feel like the only thing that's holding me back is like my family really Cause like, I only came out to my immediate family and I told you that it's still very unfinished. I'm definitely not scared. I definitely don't care no more.
Yeah, but you're hiding something. Who are you?
You know, you gotta really have to like talk to me about spiritual type stuff Like you, I gotta feel your connection, you know what I'm saying?
But there's something you came to do. You look 18. You act 18, but your spirit is older. Not only older, but grounded and levelheaded. There’s way more to you.
I guess you could say I’m old school
There it is. It’s a look in your eyes. That’s that look of someone who knows more than they let on. It's a mark of spirit So looking at your journey and looking at people who may be older than you, who are not out, who are not as comfortable and confident as you are, and those who are younger, what sort of words of wisdom and encouragement can you give them based on your experiences?
Honestly, wait until you ' re ready. Don't let anybody impact your decision following your coming out process Because when you look back on life you ' re going to remember like you ' re coming out process
That’s very true.
Even though I hate the fact that you gotta come out, it is considered to be something important I definitely remember the first person I told you know the tea [laughs] Take your time and honestly it doesn't matter what the world's perception on you is It just matters what you think about yourself and the people you love
Also with family, don't always think that just because it's blood that they’re your family Family is a choice You get to choose your family
Thank you for doing this It may not seem like it, but it's a very, it's a very big step So, thank you for agreeing to do this Thank you for trusting me to tell your story in this way. Also, I look forward to what the future has in store for you.
Thank you.
"Family is a choice. You get to choose your family."
