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I AM NO BAND GROUPIE GIRLFRIEND by tori cote

First off, I want to say that I do not hate band girlfriends. They make the band happy and are probably really good girlfriends that would make their boyfriends nachos if he was having a bad day. Band dudes need a significant other to inspire them to write songs, make art, and support them. These are just my reasons for not wanting to be one. 1) I don’t want to go to all of your shows, even if I think your band rules. There are a lot of bands I want to see, considering I love music too, and sometimes I want to go to their shows more than your shows. I’ll always support you, but you can’t expect me to Instagram a pic of you at all of your shows saying how much I love you because that is not what I’m all about here. 2) It’s cute if you want to write me a song, but I don’t want a song for an audience where everyone is screaming all the words. I like something personal and introspective, don’t give me that “Hey There Delilah” bullshit. We are both better than that. 3) As a little lady trying to be taken seriously in the music industry, sometimes I want to be seen independently from the bands spotlight. It’s cool to have a boyfriend in an band, but it’s not so cool to be seen as a band groupie when trying to work in the industry. 4) Band boys are too sensitive and I am sensitive in a different way and believe me this just doesn’t work. 5) I am well dressed sometimes but other times I wear oversized sweaters with tights and kneehighs and like to pretend that it’s an outfit I can wear and people will actually like it. Depending on how involved band girlfriend is with the band, than she might have to dress the part. I do not want to dress any part ever, sorry. 6) Sometimes band boyfriends have to leave you for a while when they go on tour and it’s really sad. I don’t like being left anywhere. In fact, I’m better known for my ability to leave a situation then waiting on my butt at home for you to come back. Long distance relationships can work but they are also long, hard, and sometimes sad and anyone who has been in one can agree with me. 7) Sometimes band practice takes priority over date night or date time and you get kinda annoyed but you aren’t supposed to say anything because you knew what you got yourself into and the band is super important!! At the end of the day, it’s your decision if you want to live the life of a musician’s girlfriend. Even though I can easily list the reasons why I hate it, we all know I will realistically do it again. The best I can do is wish you luck. And that you might appreciate a cocktail more now than ever.

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The Miscreant - Issue 41  

Featuring Jeffrey Lewis!