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Want to advertise in the Metro Spirit? Call Joe White at 706-373-3636 or email IT WORKS! Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our Production Director paper appear views from across the Amy Christian political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us Lead Designer atŠ 15 House, Gabriel Vega LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without c o v e r d e s i g n permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

Writer Eric Johnson


METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 3

In appreciation of your ongoing support for Junior Achievement-CSRA District and the Achievers Alliance Network®

“Thank You” Accudata Mailing Solutions Aiken Glass and Mirror Augusta Presstech Carolina-Georgia Sound Center for Faithwalk City of Thomson Depot Coca-Cola United Bottling Company Designed by Nature Festival Off Main Hammond-Beyer Health Holley Heating & Air Houndslake Country Club Intellisystems Lincolnton Ventures LLC Medical Outfitter Training Mish Mash Interiors Mulherin Lumber Company Neapolitan Cupcakes & Gifts Phoenix Printing Puddins Place Country Convenience Rotary Club of Columbia County Spec’s Vision Center Thomson McDuffie Chamber Very Vera Please visit these local businesses in support of Junior Achievement-CSRA. Visit to learn more on how you can contribute to the Achievers Alliance Network.


Exterminate for Peace To the Editor: Most copper thieves go into crawl spaces under homes or in attics to steal wiring or copper water piping. I believe that this trend will turn into criminals hiding under homes and in attics to ambush families. Property owners have the opportunity to use deadly force if they catch copper thieves in the act of stealing copper. Georgia’s Stand Your Own Ground law protects property owners from prosecution or a wrongful death action brought by the burglar’s family. Stand Your Own Ground allows one to use lethal force even outside their home to protect their property. Further, it provides immunity: The property owner has no burden to establish self-defense! Local hero, Richmond County’s 84-year-old homeowner Frank Sams, successfully tested this law on May 4, 2007 ( Richmond County judges “slap copper thieves on their hands” and they are out of jail the next day to continue stealing copper. Copper theft victims are rarely compensated for property damages. Anyone who has the audacity to crawl under someone’s house to clip electrical wiring should be exterminated on site. Collectively, we legal, gun-permitted citizens have the power to turn Georgia into a peaceful, low-crime state. If you, dear Georgia property owner, are licensed to carry a gun and you encounter a copper thief or an armed robber in the act of stealing your property, please take advantage of this precious, precious law and stand your own ground! Sincerely, Butch Palmer

He’s Not All Work After All Hey guys: First of all I’d like to start by saying thanks to Eric [Johnson] for coming out and taking the time to sit down and listen to me go on and on about our business. I’m sure parts of it were painful to such a talented writer. I was a little taken back by the pure characterization of me as an “entrepreneur type.” It’s true that I enjoy golf; it’s also true that I’m terrible at it. It’s also not a stretch at all to say I’m pretty much “on” whenever I’m talking about my business because, well, that’s my job. I’m a first-time business owner, so I spend a lot of sleepless nights thinking about what is going right and wrong with what we are currently doing. So it’s a relief when you get to unload on some poor unsuspecting reporter. I really love being in business here in Augusta, especially since our business revolves around helping other local businesses succeed. One talking point I failed to mention is that has put $46,828 back in the hands of local consumers and saved local businesses over $2 million in advertising costs. Oh, and that we’re only eight months old. On a more personal note, though, the entrepreneur part of me comes to a screeching halt the moment my 2-year-old comes running when I pull in the drive. At the end of the day I’m just a regular guy that lives on a regular street in a modest house. I’ve got a great little boy and my best friend as my wife, and that is what I’m most proud of. Oh, and I’m also a Metro Spirit reader. Thanks, Tommy Wafford, CEO AdTriad, LLC &

4 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

whineLINE Rock show. i can write computer code redirecting satellites to crash into one another via my Nokia flip phone in the same amount of time it takes me to get through the prompts at the self serve gas pump. No i don’t want a vanilla strawberry slushie. no thank you on the car wash. uh uh-all good on cigarettes...just want a splash of gas before the end of days be nice Word of Advice - You could save money by transforming your paper into a smaller weekly paper called the Whine Line. It would feature the Whine Line. That’s all anybody reads of your paper anymore anyways, and only so they can boast that they’re smarter than the people who post whines. So let’s cut out the bullshit. Yeah,you like painting somebody elses monsters,did you really think that no one in Augusta has ever seen Alex Pardee paintings?You are a cover band. Everyday I drive by the clock on Broad between 9th and 10th, and everyday it’s still broken. I figure it’s either broken beyond repair, or simply no one cares enough to fix it. Just like the district it belongs to. Best part of the Metro is After Dark. Otherwise, I am asleep. Dear World, I have retired from helping friends and or family move. It seems everytime I offer help, 6 or more people are supposed to show up as well and I end up being the only one. Press conference too follow this announcement.

The on-line METROSPIRIT is a complete waste. So Carlos Santana gets honored at the Braves game and tells all people of Atlanta, Ga they should be ashamed of themselves because the governor signed a bill on immigration. Ok, so we want to make sure you are here legal and that is a bad thing. Hey Carlos, if I came to your house uninvited and decided to make it my home I bet you would call the cops and say I was there illegaly.... hypocrite Just so you know....Swamp People, American Pickers and Pawn Stars might be the best three shows on tv Is it hockey season yet....please Metro do a better job letting us know about baseball that is going on now and other paper does So whatever happened to the Scott Dean case....fill me in please


School’s (almost) out for summer.


School may be out forever for charter school students after a recent Georgia Supreme Court decision effectively abolishing the state’s charter schools.

Where are the ads from the dentist with the smiley face placards????? Wasn’t there plans for a Flying Biscuit to come to Evans a few years ago? What happened to that?

Look at This Car Go to YouTube and search for “look at this car,” then head over to EDBASSMASTER’s channel and see why he’s had 137,187,407 views.


METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 5


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Scientifically speaking, if the name of your business substitutes a “Z” for an “s” there will one day be a shooting there.

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Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

Keep Yer Hands Of f Me Pot o’ Gold.... In our May 5 issue we reported on litigation between the competing owners of Tipsey McStumbles establishments in Aiken and Augusta. Tipsey McStumbles, LLC, the owner of the Augusta pub, brought suit against Christopher Griffin, the owner of the Aiken dram house, in federal court in Augusta. Augusta Tipsey alleged trademark and copyright infringement and filed a motion seeking a restraining

order and injunction against Griffin to prevent him from using the name and associated trademarks of Tipsey McStumbles. Judge J. Randal Hall of the federal court for the Southern District of Georgia granted Augusta Tipsey’s motion by order last Thursday after Griffin failed to appear at a May 2 hearing on the plaintiff’s motion. According to court filings, Augusta Tipsey already owned

and was using the name and logo more than a year before Griffin opened his bar in Aiken, and the artist who created the Tipsey logo testified that he sold the work and the rights to it to the owner of Augusta Tipsey. One factor in a judge’s decision to grant a preliminary injunction and restraining order is the movant’s (in this case, Augusta Tipsey’s) “substantial likelihood of success on the merits.”

Based upon an examination of the evidence presented so far, one legal insider commented that Griffin must have found his understanding of trademark and copyright law inside a box of Lucky Charms and likened the situation to one of the elves from inside the hollow tree trying to start his own bakery and naming it Keebler.

Can You Get a Charlotte Observer Here? Monday morning at 7 a.m., Steve Bailey was busy working in his office at Fitness Plus when he heard a loud banging noise coming from outside. Bam! Bam! Bam! By the time he made it outside the parking lot was empty. Except now, along the side of his business was a row of eight newspaper and magazine boxes. Metro Spirit boxes, Skirt! and Augusta Family boxes, along with The Real Estate Book and a Blanchard and Calhoun Real Estate box. It was a Christmas miracle! But wait. Christmas isn’t until December. Have things gotten so bad that Santa is supplementing his income running a paper route? In Augusta? No, after some digging, we found that wasn’t the case at all. It seems more like Scrooge’s handiwork. The local real estate representative who manages West Town Shopping Center in

Martinez said, “We don’t have the time to manage and monitor six or eight or 10 different newspapers — we’re very busy. But if that should change we’d be happy to give you a call.” Metro Spirit: Do you know why they just dumped them across the street at Fitness Plus? Real Estate Representative: I have no idea, I’d have to get with the property manager on that. MS: Who’s that? Who’s the property manager? Rep: Where’s Fitness Plus? MS: It’s across the street. It’s across Davis Road at the corner of Davis and Washington Road. Rep: Oh, okay. Well maybe that’s a better location for them. MS: Who would have made that call?

Rep: Well, it wouldn’t have been us. I don’t know. MS: Who would be removing boxes from your property? Do you know that? Rep: Probably our grounds people when we asked them to. MS: Huh. Okay. Well. Rep: Lots of times people get two or three of them out, drop two on the ground and they blow all over the parking lot. MS: Who can I ask permission of to put the Spirit boxes back out? Rep: Well, uh, you know, you can ask me but I can tell ya’ that at this time we’re not allowing anything except the Chronicle there. MS: What’s the difference between having the Chronicle there and the Metro Spirit? We’ve been publishing in Augusta for over 23 years?

Rep: We’re just allowing the daily newspaper, the main paper there. Because if we allow the Metro Spirit, then we have all these others that come in. MS: That doesn’t seem fair. So, if you are looking for your copy of the Charlotte Observer (where you can read all about Harry Jones presenting his budget proposal that will lower the Mecklenburg property tax rate by just over a penny and would send an additional $26 million toward CMS operations), the New York Times, USA Today or the Augusta Chronicle, head on over the West Town Shopping Center. The boxes are there in front of the Sunrise Grill. For the 300 or so of you accustomed to picking up your copy of the Spirit there, sorry. Go to to find a map with our remaining locations.

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 7

metro Eric Johnson





The Belair Dunes One woman’s struggle to get her view back

Betsy Ucman is a retired school bus driver and, like a lot of retired people, she likes to sit on her front porch and watch the world go by. In this economy, she says, what else is she going to do? She knows her house is small and her desires are modest, and if she were living in certain areas of Richmond County, she knows the safety issue might prevent her from pursuing even that simple pleasure. But since she lives pretty much directly across N. Belair Road from the University Health Care facility in Evans, she figures she’s about as safe on her front porch as anyone this side of Mayberry can hope to be. But that doesn’t mean she can sit out there and watch the world go by. Ever since the two large mounds of earth and gravel she likes to call “the dunes” showed up next door, her view has been obstructed to the point where she says she might as well just stay inside. The dunes have been there since the lot next door was cleared to make room for what the sign declared was the future home of a First Citizens bank. That was a couple of years ago, and now the sign is gone, the lot is still vacant and the dunes — presently weed infested and buggy — still remain. Having lived there for 11 years, she’s seen a lot from her front porch, and she’d like to see more, which is why she wonders how much longer she’s going to

8 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

have to put up with the obstruction. She wonders why no one has come to level the dunes or push them back further in the lot. During the Christmas parade, all sorts of kids find their way onto the mini mountains. While crews with mowers and weed whackers used to come by every now and then to keep up with the grass, they’ve been coming more and more infrequently and taking less and less care. A call to First Citizens about a year ago resulted in a brush off. “He got testy with me,” she says of her call to the bank. “’I’m within my rights,’ is what he said.” So she called the county. “I didn’t really know who to talk to, but it was someone in government up there,” she says. “I said, ‘I thought you all were taking better care of Columbia County than letting them have these dunes up like this.’” According to Development Services Director Richard Harmon, he hasn’t received any complaints about the dunes, and though he admits they’re an eyesore, he says they’re not really in violation of anything. “I suppose you could declare it a nuisance if you wanted to, but it’s not eroding,” he says. “It’s not grass growing. It’s piles of dirt, and I don’t know of any specific ordinance that would pertain to what’s there.”

First Citizens spokesperson Angela English acknowledged the bank owned the land, and, after consulting with the corporate real estate director, she confirmed that while they didn’t have a firm timeline for starting the project, they would be distributing the dirt sometime soon. “I think we had another location we were able to pull dirt from, so we decided to have it transferred to this lot,” she says. “Since it’s there, we’re just going to go ahead and grade it, since the overall project has been delayed.” When she speaks, it’s as if it’s all just happened. Though Ucman isn’t keen about having a bank next door, she can’t help but wonder how long the dunes

would have lasted if they were near the Government Center or maybe West Lake. Maybe they’ve been there so long people have stopped seeing them, she says, pointing out that the house on the other side of the lot is overgrown and appears to be vacant and the empty lot on the corner of Belair and Marie Street is also overrun with weeds, grass and shrubs. Maybe she and her little area of the county have become invisible. “Isn’t this supposed to be Columbia County?” she asks.

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Fanning the Flames

Time is running out for Harlem’s bid to provide fire service for certain areas of southern Columbia County

Since Columbia County consolidated fire coverage in 2004, they’ve worked hard to ensure everyone in the county is five minutes from a fire station. And, with the exception of a small area south of Harlem, they’ve been successful. Getting similar fire coverage for that area, however, has proved elusive, and commissioners are showing signs of impatience. The county started negotiating a pay per call agreement with the city of Harlem approximately two years ago, and the two governments still haven’t come to terms. “In the last meeting [with Harlem], we were talking about a six-week to two-month process, and that time has passed,” said Commission Chair Ron Cross. “Commissioner Morris is concerned about his region and we’re concerned about response times, so that project is back in the forefront.” Morris, the newly elected District 4 commissioner, said the issue has been at the top of his list since the campaign. “I feel real optimistic that we’re going to be able to nail this thing down in the next couple of weeks,” he said. Not everyone is quite so optimistic. Because the area is so small, the county favored initiating the same pay per call agreement it uses for Grovetown — $1,500 per call — which would basically make the city of Harlem a subcontractor for that area’s fire service. Though apparently eager to participate, Harlem continues to have trouble meeting the county’s requirements. “I think we had worked out everything in our last meeting, but they readily admitted that they didn’t have the qualified staff to have somebody there full time to meet the qualifications, and we can’t accept a lower standard for Harlem than we have in the rest of the county and Grovetown,” Cross said. Harlem City Manager Jason Rizner admitted Harlem was having a hard time meeting the county’s requirements, partly because of the structure of its public safety department. Unlike Grovetown, which has dedicated personnel for fire service, Harlem has a combined public safety department, which means officers are cross trained in fire protection, but are not specifically on call. “We’ve got a group now going through a fire school to get that fire certification, Rizner said. “That will

give us four additional officers that have fire certification.” To save money and to accommodate schedule requirements, Rizner said the group was receiving its training in McDuffie County rather than at the public safety training center in Forsythe. The classes meet two nights a week and last several months. Though Risner said he would like to use the money from the pay per call agreement to help fund paid staffing focused solely on fire and insisted the training should be completed within the next month, it might be too late. “I get the sense that we’re not willing to wait much longer,” said Deputy Administrator Scott Johnson, who has been a part of the negotiation process. “We haven’t given them a deadline, but if they’re going to do it, then we need to negotiate that, and if they’re not, then we need to be making other arrangements, and we realize the time to make those decisions is now.” Those other arrangements would likely involve installing a county fire station to cover that area. According to Emergency and Operations Director Pam Tucker, the first-year cost for such a temporary facility would be just under $375,000. The annual recurring cost would be $364,000. That amount would fund the six firefighters necessary to ensure the station had a supervisory captain and two firefighters working at all times. The pumper truck is already at the White Road temporary station, though the county would have to move in a trailer for the full-time staffing. At one time, Tucker said they’d considered using SPLOST funds to build a permanent station, but one of the stipulations for the use of SPLOST money is that the project have a 20year lifespan, and, given Harlem’s annexation in the area, it’s doubtful such a station would be needed for the full 20 years. The fact that Harlem annexed right up to the property line of the White Road station indicates that it’s probably not an ideal location to build a milliondollar fire station, Tucker said. With a projected 35 calls a year, Tucker has budgeted $52,000 for the pay per call service. Most of those 35 calls are medical calls, and not all are life threatening.

“That’s why the pay per call, to me, is preferable,” Tucker said. “It’s relatively low call volume and it’s not that large of an area.” According to Johnson, the ball’s in Harlem’s court, but the clock is running down. “We’d love to see them do this, but, at the end of the day, we have to make sure that those citizens are taken care

of,” he said. “The people who live in the county need the same level of fire protection that we have everywhere else, and that’s our responsibility, not Harlem’s. If we can get Harlem to help us accomplish that, fine. But we have that responsibility.”

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Downtown Evans Rises Who’s got the vision thing?

When the news broke that Rhodes Financial Services was going to build a five-story office building in the Marshall family portion of the Marshall Square property, many felt the 57-acre development was finally destined to catch fire. “Maybe this is the thing that finally kick starts the development,” Planning Commissioner Thom Tuckey said at a recent planning commission meeting. Developer Don Lawrence is certainly feeling optimistic about the property. He said he sold two lots to Rhodes, two lots to Evans Dermatology, has one under contract and just sent out a contract for another. Commission Chair Ron Cross, however, has his doubts. “I think this is a good step,” he said. “But I don’t know that it’s going to bring in the high-quality retail or some upper-level restaurants or the things that we would like to see over there from the original plan. That’s my feeling, but you’ve got to be at least a little bit optimistic. If you’ve got somebody willing to do that, maybe there is somebody out there that’s willing and able to do something else.”

As far as the 26-acre county site, famously purchased for $6.25 million last July in settlement of a $57.5 million lawsuit by the developers, Cross says he’s still preaching patience. “We have been very strong with the staff and outside parties that we need to be extremely patient with what we do over there,” he said. “Now is not the time to jump into something for the sake of doing something.” Since the county owns the property outright, the only real pressure to develop comes from within, though a complicating factor is the growing momentum behind the amphitheater planned for Evans Town Center Park. “It’s more of a wait and see approach, because of the parking requirements we anticipate from the new amphitheater,” Cross said. “There are going to be a lot of cars if we’re doing something that’s going to seat 5,000 to 6,000 people.” He wants to make sure the county doesn’t build itself into a corner the way many feel Augusta has done with the new judicial center. The limited number of parking spaces at the judicial center has everyone from the tax commissioner to the

commissioners themselves worried about parking. And while it’s one thing to make county citizens walk a bit for a little entertainment, Cross seems to be increasingly comfortable with the idea that the amphitheater might be attractive to more than just county citizens. “Although our main objective is to have upper-level entertainment for the citizens to come to on a regular basis, it could be a revenue-producing item,” Cross said. And the throngs of people who would make it a revenue-producing item are going to want convenient parking. For now, the county plans on using the undeveloped field, but eventually they’re going to have to do something with the land. “The optimal situation would be that you have joint usage parking,” he said. “Something where you could use another business’ parking during the off hours, and that’s going to take a particular set of circumstances. But the fact is, we’re going to be in bad need of parking, and I don’t know if it’s going to be flat parking or if we look at a parking deck in the future or if we don’t do anything, but we’ve got to consider

parking, and we’ve got to consider the long range. Not what’s good for today and three years and five years from now, but what’s good 25 years from now.” Lawrence, who said he was only aware that the county planned to add diagonal parking along the extension of Ronald Reagan Drive, seemed a little surprised by all the talk of parking. “In our settlement agreement with the county, they were required to stick to the Town Center plan that we had developed,” he said. “So even though they own it now, they’ve got to stick to the Marshall Square Lifestyle Center concept — all except the residential portion, which was taken out.” While that might be true, it’s clear Cross and the commission are looking at ways of maximizing the amphitheater’s potential even while downplaying the urgency. “Currently, we’re really more concerned about getting the park finished, getting it dedicated and having the concert,” Cross said. “Then we’ll see where we have to go from there.”

A waitress at a local WH makes fun of a pair of customers, eventually grabbing the male half of the couple around the neck and shaking him. She’s charged with battery. A fight between two men over a

missing $20 escalates into an allout brawl. The melee is caught on surveillance cameras, in which viewers can see the instigator knock several people out with a chair. A chair. Three area Waffle Houses are robbed

CSI Waffle House

There are 16 Waffle Houses in the greater Augusta area, not counting Aiken, Thomson and other outlying areas. Believe it or not, that’s equal to the number of freestanding McDonald’s in the same area.

A quick trip back in time finds just one incident at a locally Micky D’s: a March 2010 armed robbery at a Columbia County location. A similar tour of local Waffle Houses, however, will net a whole lot more.

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 11

at gunpoint between March 22 and April 5 of this year. On May 10 of this year, a Taliaferro County deputy transporting three inmates, one of whom is accused of two murders, stops at the Thomson Waffle House at 3 a.m. to buy them breakfast. The only problem is he leaves his keys in the unmarked SUV and the suspected murderer orders the other two inmates out, then leads police on a three-county chase that ends in Augusta. The same day, a heating and AC repair guy climbs to the roof of a Waffle House on Gordon Highway, where he finds a dehydrated man who apparently had been living there for a while. The man is transported to the hospital. (“We have things like that happening all the doggone time” says Richmond County Sheriff Ron Strength. “That is my first in 35 years, though, of sleeping on the roof of a Waffle House. Definitely the first.”) Three days later, in the early morning hours of Friday the 13th, a man is shot outside that same Waffle House. And that doesn’t even count the Kid Rock free-for-all in 2007 that happened after the rocker and his entourage stopped by a Waffle House location near Atlanta, where they beat the crap out of a guy who spoke to a woman in the entourage. That resulted in Rock pleading guilty to misdemeanor battery and the victim filing a lawsuit. What. The. Hell. We took a look at the Waffle House menu of unfortunate events and — brace yourself — these shenanagins have been going on since the chicken met the egg. Robberies, smack downs, scuffles, you name it. In the ’80s there were armed robberies followed by beat downs — only the assailants were wearing parachute pants and zippered red jackets.

12 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

What does Sheriff Strength have to say about this? “If they are out, especially in a nightclub, they’ll leave there and congregate there at a Waffle House, or eat there. They [The Waffle House] don’t have to have an off-duty officer working there, but you would think upper management would definitely want to do it, because an officer and a cruiser parked there, you can’t say how much it deters, but you know it deters a lot. It’s pretty inexpensive, even if you just wanted to do it on Friday and Saturday nights ($18 an hour). Without a doubt, if an officer is there and they (perp-type individuals bent on reeking waffle hazard) are going to do something, you can bet they’re going to go somewhere else.” Waffle Houses are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Locally, that’s a total of 140,160 hours of slingin’ the hash. It’s said that, when a new one opens, the key to the front door is placed in the poured concrete of the sidewalk outside because the employees will never need it. That’s great for those of us who have a hankering for some scattered, chunked and capped hash browns in the middle of the night. But it also means that us law-abiding customers, as well as the competent and mostly chipper employees (how they do it is beyond us), could easily be sitting next to the next Waffle House combatant of the week. To them we say take your shenanigans somewhere else and leave our cheese eggs and raisin toast alone. Because those of us here at the Waffle House Beat are on to you.

n e w s

o f

t h e


The cure for emphysema is cigarette smoke, according to chemist Gretha Zahar, whose clinic has treated 60,000 people in Jakarta, Indonesia, in the past decade. Zahar (with a Ph.D. from Padjadjaran University in West Java) modifies the tobacco smoke with “nanotechnology” to remove “free radicals” and adjust the mercury levels — and touts her “divine cigarettes” as cures for “all” diseases, including cancer, with only a wink of the eye from the government (which opposition leaders say is in the pocket of Indonesia’s tobacco industry). One pharmacology professor said he had never heard of anyone dying of smoking, which he called a “good, cheap alternative” to expensive drugs.

Inexplicable Fine Point of Iowa Law: Thanks to a loophole recently sanctioned by the Iowa Court of Appeals, Matt Danielson and his wife, Jamie, now own their home in Ankeny, Iowa, outright (value: $278,000) after making just one monthly mortgage payment. Iowa law regards a home mortgage by a married couple as automatically void if only one spouse has signed it, and a thusly voided mortgage is treated as fully satisfied. (The purpose was to prevent one estranged spouse from exploiting the other.) Legislators are currently trying to change the law to leave the discretion of voiding up to judges. Explicable Only as Metaphor: On April 13, a customer who had been watching videos in a booth at the Golden Gate Adult Superstore in downtown San Francisco (and whose name was not released) ran from the store into the street engulfed in flames. No explanation for the fire was given.

Can’t Possibly Be True Nursery school teacher Elizabeth Davies, 48, was fired in February from Hafod Primary School in Swansea, Wales, after accusations that she had sprayed pine-scented room-freshener on kids who passed gas and on Bangladeshis who had come to class reeking of curry and onions. Of the latter, she reportedly said, “There is a waft coming in from paradise.”

Least Competent Criminals Not Ready for Prime Time: Harold Luken, 45, was arrested on April 8 in New York City near a Bank of America after his attempt to rob it failed badly. According to police, Luken walked in at 1:50 p.m. and announced that he had a gun and intended to rob the place — but then merely got in a line and said he would wait for a teller. When he finally got to the window, Luken restated his intention and, as if narrating, announced the handing over of the robbery note. When the teller refused to respond, Luken asked to check the balance in his own account, but the teller again declined, provoking Luken to walk away and shout, “OK, I will go to Citibank (and) rob them instead!” He was arrested minutes later.

Cavalcade of Rednecks In April, Robert Hohenberger, 64, was arrested in Clayton County, Ga., for shooting a neighbor’s dog with a BB gun after complaining that he was tired of the Chihuahua “pooping” in his yard. The neighbor, Leticia Mendoza, told police that her dog was innocent, in that Casey had actually relieved himself inside right before she let him out.

Last Words “(G)o ahead and shoot me,” said Rodney Gilbert, 57, who was embroiled in a domestic tiff with his girlfriend Kimberly Gustafson in Ocala, Fla., in February. According to police, Gustafson, after cocking the gun in a room with several witnesses, then turned to walk away without firing until Gilbert trailed after her, shouting his final words several more times.

Honor Thy Father

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 13

How thinking big and minding the little things is helping a local barbecue and bluegrass festival establish itself as a premier Memorial Day destination

Rain. At last year’s Papa Joe’s Banjo-B-Que Bluegrass Festival and Barbeque CookOff there was rain, and Cathy Varnadore was worried bluegrass legend and 14-time Grammy Award-winner Ricky Skaggs might not venture out on stage because of it. That would have been devastating, not just because Skaggs was the inaugural event’s first headliner, but because he had been the last concert Varnadore had seen with her father before he died. As the organizer of the festival, it was important to her that he play. Her father, Joe Pond, was the “Papa Joe” in the event’s title and the spirit behind its creation. In spite of the rain, Skaggs came out, people stayed to watch and the event — an all-American mixture of competitive barbecue cooking and bluegrass music, two of the things Papa Joe loved most — was a success. The thing about success, though — people expect you to follow it up with something even better, and there’s nothing easy about putting on a festival with the size and scope of the BanjoB-Que. That follow-up, the second annual Banjo-B-Que, will be at the Hippodrome in North Augusta on May 27 and 28. It didn’t make things any easier that Varnadore started out so big. “What we’re focusing on is not ‘what can we have for the people who come here,’ it’s ‘what would it take for these big musicians to want to come here,’” she says. “What would it take for these barbecue people to put this on their list?” Catering to the talent so that the masses will come is a bold opening gambit, one almost guaranteed to lose lots of money. But for those who can cover the initial loss, it’s an excellent way to lay the solid groundwork to make the event an eventual mainstay. “The way I looked at it — do I go out and buy a brand new beer truck that’s in top notch condition and go out there and sell my beer, or do I want to buy a beer tuck that’s used and that I’m going to have to spend money to fix and hopefully I’ll sell enough beer to eventually buy my new truck one day?” She pauses and smiles. “You can do it either way, but I like the first way.” The beer truck analogy is appropriate in more ways than one. Having succeeded her father as president of

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A.B. Beverage, the local Anheuser-Busch distributor, she knows her beer trucks. And because of the company’s leading role in the community, she knows how to think big Big cookers. Big bands. Big date. She’s chosen to plop the festival down on Memorial Day weekend, when many around here have hopes of escaping to the beach. “We did that because there’s so much going on in the fall and we didn’t want to do it in the dead of summer,” she says. “What we’re trying to do over time is make it a point of destination for Memorial Day weekend.” That long-term approach is echoed by Christy Beckham, a marketing professional for A.B. Beverage who is one those who has been instrumental in the creation and execution of the event. “We felt it was a time for us to make people stay here,” she says. “We want to be a destination. We want to be a big, huge festival. We want to be a Bonnaroo.” Besides the barbecue and the bluegrass, this year’s event includes a petting zoo, camel rides, pig races, a carnival and other forms of familystyle entertainment. The wide variety of offerings, she says, is part of the plan to lure the big-name cookers to the event. “There are tons of events that are just barbecue events, and that’s only really exciting to people who are cooking,” Beckham says. “If they have to choose between our event or another event, they get this whole music festival and this whole livestock portion and they’re preferring us even before the money. And then there’s the money on top of it, which is obviously nice for them.” The total payout for the barbecue contest is $40,000, with $5,000 going to the champion and $2,500 going to the winner of each of the four divisions sanctioned by the Kansas City Barbeque Society (KCBS). A $1,000 bonus is also going to the winner of Friday night’s Best Dang Steak cook-off. While barbecue and Memorial Day go together like backyards and beer, Varnadore insists competition barbecue is a far cry from the haphazard, kiss the cook productions most of us attempt at home. And she and Beckham have worked hard to learn the ropes so they can attract — and retain — the biggest names in the

sport. In doing so, they made sure they got the little things down right. Like distributing square water bottles to the judges. Being able to lay the square bottles down eliminates any possibility they could be knocked over and contaminate an entry. That’s important to a judge, and having it sent the judges off with a favorable impression of the competition. “They go out and pass the word around about how great the event was, and then you do that with the barbecue people and they spread the word,” she says. And according to one of the biggest names in competition barbecue, the word has definitely spread. “This is my 11th year in the sport, and hospitality plays a big factor in what I’m doing,” says Kansas City-based Rod Gray, who was last year’s Banjo-B-Que reserve grand champion and the KCBS Team of the Year for 2009. “That’s one of the reasons I’m coming back to North Augusta.” Talking with Varnadore and Beckham before last year’s event was enough to convince him to take a chance on the fledgling contest. “It’s a big gamble to travel that far for a first year event, but I could tell how organized they were and how interested they were in having great teams, and I thought I wanted to get in on the first year, because this sounded like an event I’d want to go to year after year,” he says. And Gray’s not afraid to travel. Last year he logged 55,000 miles going to competition barbecue events. His life, he says, is a blur of mile markers, all of which are strung together by barbecue. The last few weeks are a perfect example. An event in Boulder qualified him to cook the next week in Las Vegas, so he drove back home to Kansas City to pick up supplies. Then it was off to Vegas, then to the National Hardware Show to satisfy a sponsor’s obligation, then to a competition in Prescott, Ariz., then break in Phoenix before going back to Vegas to compete for $125,000. “Then, I’m going to drive home, be home for one day, and then I’m loading up and coming to you guys,” he says. In the world of competition barbecue, money talks — it’s tough to ignore $125,000 — but so does barbecue. While some competitions offer six figures, he’s seen over 100 teams show up to compete for a $3,000 total payout. Gray, who is one of only three fulltime cooks, competes mainly in KCBSsanctioned events like Banjo-B-Que because they provide a standardized system. When you drive hundreds of miles to a competition, he says, it’s best to avoid surprises.

With slightly over 15,000 members and more than 400 events every year, the KCBS is the world’s largest organization of barbecue and grilling enthusiasts, and according to cofounder and executive director Carolyn Wells, it’s all about food, family, fun and friends. “Our main purpose when we started out was that nothing be taken too seriously and to do so would be grounds for ejection,” he says. “Obviously, we’ve gone a little beyond that now, although we still try to be fun.” While that fun is what gets people interested and keeps people coming back, finding the perfect window of opportunity to present barbecue in its purest form can be a challenge. “In all of barbecue there are five elements: the fuel, the cooking unit, the meat, the seasoning and the most elusive of all — the expertise of the chef. Getting all five of those elements together amongst four meats in one day is a Herculean task… and it’s the best eating going.” She says competition barbecue seems to strike a chord with people, especially lately. Post-9-11 growth has been the strongest the 25-year-old organization has ever experienced, and Wells says it’s because of the role barbecue plays in our culture, especially in the south. “It’s funeral food,’ she says. “It’s wedding food. It’s political food. It’s celebratory food.” All that may be true, but when it’s cooked between Friday night and Saturday afternoon, it’s certainly not inexpensive food. “We all started out with a pup tent and a Weber Kettle,” she says. “But now it’s motor homes and mobile kitchens.” Though Gray does have one of those mobile kitchens, which is air conditioned and wrapped like a tournament bass boat, for longer distance events he’s got a lighter pit on a trailer. “But of course it can’t be normal,” he laughs. “It’s painted 2010 Camaro green and it’s got chrome wheels and a chrome stack. People like to ride in my blind spot so they can take pictures with their phone.” As one of the top names in competition barbecue, Gray is one of the few to navigate the sometimes complicated world of sponsorship, which is one of the things that puts him on the road so much. While most competitors cook in a handful of tournaments, he’ll cook 35 events a year. Plus teach classes. Plus cater the occasional big engagement. All of which, along with his wife’s stable income back in Kansas City, allows him to make his living in barbecue. “The classes, the national sponsors and one really big catering a year is kind of what we put our arms around as my

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career,” he says. “Cooking competitions is what we have to do because the sponsors want us there, and if we do well, it pulls people into the classes.” And then there’s the infomercial. Maybe you’ve seen him on late night TV selling EZ Grills. When he starts using his marketing degree to break down the business aspect, you start to see why he’s been able to make his unorthodox career a success. He hits 32 states and comes face to face with about 2.5 million people each year, is what he tells potential sponsors. “Don’t think of it as barbecue,” he’ll say. “Think of it as people.” One of the things he’s looking forward to about his return to the Banjo-B-Que is the chance to share the experience with his wife, Sheri, who is flying to Atlanta and will catch a ride with him as he passes through. Most of the successful teams tend to be husband and wife teams, though it’s not unheard of for some teams to have several people working together. Cooks typically have their meat inspected at noon on Friday, after which they are allowed to start the cooking process. Depending on the fuel source, some cooks start cooking at 7 p.m. while others won’t start until the wee hours of the morning.

Though Saturday is competition day and can sometimes be intense, Friday nights tend to be more relaxed. “Some of the Friday night dinners are to die for,” Wells says. According to Varnadore, competitors at the Banjo-B-Que will also have the opportunity to compete in the steak cook-off, which is one of the unique nonsanctioned additions that Wells says is the hallmark of a good event. Throughout the barbecue competition, the bluegrass festival will be entertaining patrons on the main stage, which will be decorated with red curtains and chandeliers for a Grand Ole Opry look, and on a smaller side stage that developed in part because of the universal draw of beer. “We had a little screened in porch area where you could try all the craft beers, and some of the musicians were going in there and having a beer and playing a little bit, so we decided to do a side stage.” This year’s lineup includes Doc Watson & Dave Holt, Frontier Ruckus, the Crosstie Walkers, Chatham County Line and the Old Crow Medicine Show. “They’re the pricey ones,” Beckham says. “But they’re worth every penny.” The festival’s association with Old Crow goes back to planning for last year’s event, when they loaded up the

motor home and drove up to West Virginia to see them. “Old Crow wouldn’t do a meet and greet with us,” Varnadore says, “so we drove up and parked our motor home in front of their bus so they had to ask us to move to get out.” That kind of persistence paid off later, when it came to book them for the festival. “They remembered us,” Varnadore chuckles. “So they came down and it was great.” Finding the proper balance between new and old was important to Varnadore, who wanted the music and the event as a whole to appeal to as many people as possible. It’s what destination events do, and it’s what would have entertained her father.

“He would just be tickled,” Varnadore says of her father’s reaction. “He would be right in the middle of it. You probably wouldn’t be able to tell who he was because he’d be in blue jeans and a T-shirt, but he would have loved it.” The Second Annual Banjo-B-Que The Hippodrome, North Augusta May 27-28 Weekend pass, $30; Friday only, $15; Saturday only: $20 in advance, $25 at the gate

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 17

Here Comes the Judge Thomas addresses Augusta Bar Association and, indirectly, commission

A crowd of about 350, including most area judges, a smattering of politicians and tables and tables full of lawyers packed themselves into the Oglethorpe Room of the Augusta Marriott to hear Justice Clarence Thomas give the keynote speech of the Augusta Bar Association’s annual Law Day dinner. Thomas was in town to dedicate the new courthouse, named in honor of John Ruffin Jr. His presence has drawn criticism because of his conservative views, which many feel contradict Ruffin’s civil rights legacy. Conspicuously absent from the speech was the legislative delegation and Augusta’s black commissioners, who though announced as having been there at some point, were not sitting at the commission table with the mayor and several of the white commissioners. Of course, Thomas had no way of knowing the level of strife that has overtaken this particular commission. But in many ways his remarks seemed specifically tailored to Augusta’s leadership, who earlier found themselves volleying more of the usual insinuations. While debating whether approximately 70 transit employees should be swept off the city’s books and transferred to the private company tapped to take over the transit department, Bill Lockett took yet another shot at administrator Fred Russell. “Those employees did not get us in the predicament that we’re in now,”

“We have gotten to the point now where people are drunk on their own opinions.” — U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas

18 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

he said. “And let’s not blame [director] Heyward Johnson for the problems that transportation is having, because Heyward Johnson has a supervisor, and he is our administrator.” Lockett’s distrust of the administrator has been growing more and more public during the restructuring debate, and the frustrations of the entire commission seem to becoming more personal, which is something Thomas addressed. “We have reached a point in our society where, when someone disagrees with another person, that person now has license, much like we do in sports, to demonize the other person,” he said. “That doesn’t happen on the court.” He mentioned Justices Ginsberg and Souter, who he sat next to for nearly two decades. “We don’t often agree,” he said. “One thing we do agree on is that we’re friends. Why? Because the process, the job of making the opinions, is really difficult, and it is done as a team.” He asked the crowd how many people worked with a disruptive or obstructive team member. “Can that team work?” he asked. “No.” Then he spoke with pride about how the court has not degenerated into the “unfathomable conduct” seen so often in today’s public discourse. The court continues to work, he said, because the members agree it is not about them. “We have gotten to the point now where people are drunk on their own opinions,” he said. “They really think highly of their opinions. To the extreme of others. You can not afford that on the court, where the consequences are so great and the stakes are so huge.” Thomas said that he always ends his dissenting opinions by saying he “respectfully dissents.” “There is always room that the other person is right and I am wrong,” he said. “I respect their right to hold a different opinion, because I do not come armed with the gospel.” The process of getting it right is more important than being right as a person, he said.

You’re not entertained? Well that’s your own damn fault then, because there are things going on this week from one end of the CSRA to the other. In the blue corner is the Third Thursday In-Shop Wine Tasting at Wine World in North Augusta, which is known for its regular in-shop events, like this and the First Friday Wine Tasting, as well as special wine seminars and local Tasters Guild events. Including six different wines and assorted cheeses, this event is on Thursday, May 19, from 5-8 p.m., and is $5, with a $3 rebate on the purchase of one of the night’s featured wines. Call 803-279-9522 or visit And in the red corner is the 18th Annual Blind Willie McTell Blues Festival on Saturday, May 21, at the festival site in Thomson. This year’s musical lineup includes Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue, Marcia Ball, Sonny Landreth, Jimmy Hall, Jack Pearson, Mark Miller and Travelin’ Shoes, The Georgia Horns with Chris Crenshaw and Marcus Printup and Crosstie Walkers. Gates open at 11 a.m., with music going on from noon-9 p.m. Don’t forget your tent , plenty of suncreen and hydration (and not just with beer) or you might just die — and not just from being in musical nirvana. Advance tickets $25. Visit

illustration: Gabriel Vega METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 19

calendar Arts

Terra Cognita at the Morris Museum of Art, featuring New Yorkbased artist Daniel Rozin discussing his high-tech installations and sculptures, is on Thursday, May 19, at 6 p.m. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Call 803-441-4380 or visit


Art Greene Photography Exhibit is at Sacred Heart Cultural Center through June 30. Call 706-826-4700 or visit Painter,PhotographerandVideo Artist Christopher Kuhl will display his work in the second floor gallery at the Headquarters Branch Library throughout the month of May. Call 706821-2600 or visit Cynthia Cox Exhibition of landscapes in pastel and oil shows throughout the month of May at the Aiken Center for the Arts. Call 803-2780709 or visit “Resonance,” works by Mexican artist Rocío Maldonado, shows through May 27 at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art and a fully illustrated catalogue of the artist’s work will accompany the exhibition and is available for $10. Call 706-722-5495 or visit


North Augusta on Thursday, May 19, at 7 p.m. Visit A Night in Italy, presented by the Augusta Opera and featuring food, singing waiters and silent auctions, is Friday, May 20, at 7 p.m. at the Julian Smith Casino. $40. Call 706-364-9114 or visit 18th Annual Blind Willie McTell Blues Festival is Saturday, May 21 at the festival site in Thomson. Musical lineup includes Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue, Marcia Ball, Sonny Landreth, Jimmy Hall, Jack Pearson, Mark Miller and Travelin’ Shoes, The Georgia Horns with Chris Crenshaw and Marcus Printup and Crosstie Walkers. Gates open at 11 a.m., with music going on from noon-9 p.m. Advance tickets are $25. Tickets available locally at the Chamber office or visit WonderfulWorldofSongConcert with South Boundary and Aiken Singers, benefiting the Aiken Center for the Arts, is Tuesday, May 24, at 7 p.m. General admission tickets are $12; $10 each for two parents of each child; student tickets are $5. Call 803-641-9094. Hopelands Summer Concert Series is each Monday evening, MayAugust, at 7 p.m. at Hopelands Gardens in Aiken. Call 803-642-7630 or visit


Brown Bag Book Club, this month featuring “Winds of Change” by Martha Grims, meets Thursday, May 19, at 11:30 a.m. at the Columbia County Library. Call 706-863-1946 or visit

Midday Music, in the sanctuary of First Presbyterian Church at the corner of Laurens and Barnwell streets in Aiken, is on Thursday, May 19, from noon-1 p.m. Free. Lunch is available for $8 per person. Call 803-648-2662 or visit

Harlem Book Club, this month featuring “Plain Perfect” by Beth Wiseman, meets Thursday, May 19, at 4 p.m. at the Harlem Branch Library. Call 706-556-9795 or visit

Outdoor Summer Concert Series, presented by North Augusta Cultural Arts Council, features the Savannah River Winds at Maude Edenfield Park in

Author Signing, featuring Tiece Mickens and her newest book “Checkmate 2,” is Saturday, May 21, from 1-3:30 p.m. at Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit

20 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

Survival of the Fittest: Nutrition Designed for Your Workout is a nutrition seminar at the Wilson Family Y on Thursday, May 26, at 6 p.m. Learn how to load before your next event. Free to members; $10 to nonmembers. Call 706-922-9622 or visit

Author Discussion, featuring Melissa Marr and her new book “Graveminder,” is Sunday, May 22, from 1-3 p.m. at Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit

Christian Singles Dance, for ages 18 and over, is every Saturday night at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans from 7-11 p.m. $8-$10. Call 706-8548888 or visit

NOOK Tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a NOOKcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. Call 706-737-0012 or visit



“Becky’s New Car,” a production of the Fort Gordon Dinner Theatre, shows May 20-21 and 26-28. Dinner is served at 7 p.m., and the rated PG-13 comedy about a middle-aged woman who gets a shot at a new life begins at 8 p.m. Tickets are $25-$38. Call 706-7938552 or visit Auditions for The Fort Gordon Dinner Theatre comedy “Here on the Flight Path” by Norm Foster are Monday and Tuesday, May 23 and 24, at 7 p.m. Auditions will consist of cold readings and some improv. Call 706-793-8552 or e-mail


Friday Dance is every Friday night from 8:30-11 p.m. at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans. $5. Call 706854-8888 or visit

Mad Max Mania Movie Marathon is at Headquarters Branch Library on Saturday, May 21, beginning at 11 a.m. Showing back to back Mel Gibson movies. Popcorn and drinks provided. Call 706821-2600 or visit “Rabbit Hole” shows Tuesday, May 24, at 6:30 p.m. as part of the Movies @ Headquarters series at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-2600 or visit “James Brown: Soul Survivor” shows throughout May at the Augusta Museum of History as part of the museum’s History Theater Film Series. Free with admission. Call 706-722-8454 or visit

Special Events

Third Thursday In-Shop Wine Tasting at Wine World in North Augusta includes six different wines and assorted cheeses. Held Thursday, May 19, from 5-8 p.m., the event is $5, with a $3 rebate on the purchase of one of the night’s featured wines. Call 803-279-9522 or visit

The Aiken Garden Show will be Friday-Saturday, May 20-21. The show will feature speakers, workshops and tours of private gardens. $20 at the door or $18 in advance. Call 803-641-6777 or visit LIFE Healthy Lifestyle Expo 2011 is Saturday, May 21, at 9 a.m. at the USC-Aiken Convocation Center. Call 803-643-6901 or visit BusinessAfterHours,anAugustaMetro Chamber of Commerce event hosted by and held at Virginia College, is Monday, May 23, from 5:30-7:30 p.m. Free for chamber members; $25 for non-members. Call 706-821-1300 or visit Women as Managers, a Women in Business Luncheon from the AugustaMetro Chamber of Commerce, is Tuesday, May 24, at 11:30 a.m. at Augusta Marriott Hotel & Suites. $25 for chamber members; $35 for nonmembers and walk-ins. Call 706-8211300 or visit Tasters Guild Planning Meeting and Wine Tasting at Wine World in North Augusta is Tuesday, May 24, at 7 p.m. Free for members; $5 for non-

members. Call 803-279-9522 or visit TheCottonBall,featuringdinner, dessert, drinks, live music and a raffle at the home of Dr. and Mrs. Greg Gay at 1316 Comfort Road, will be on Thursday, May 26, from 6:30-9:30 p.m. Admission to the Cotton Ball is by current, new or renewing membership in Historic Augusta, Inc. Memberships start at $50 for individuals and $75 for couples. Call 706-724-0436 or visit Brick Yard Market is each Friday from 6-9 p.m. at Hammond’s Ferry in North Augusta and features fresh produce and goods, as well as live music in front of Manuel’s Bread Cafe. Call 803-380-1323 or visit Saturday Market at the River, located at 8th Street Plaza, downtown Augusta, is each Saturday, April 16Oct. 29, from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. Visit


Breastfeeding Class is Thursday, May 19, from 7-9 p.m. at Babies R Us. Sponsored by University Hospital. Preregistration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit

Infant CPR Class is Thursday, May 19, from 7-8:30 p.m. at University Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-774-2825 or visit Saturday Express Lamaze Childbirth Preparation Class is Saturday, May 21, from 8:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. at Trinity Hospital of Augusta. A tour of the Family-Focused Childbirth Unit is also included in the class. Pre-registration required. Call 706-481-7727 or visit Asthma Care Management, a community health education class, will be Saturday, May 21, at 1:30 p.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Free. Call 706-772-2432 or visit Trust Birth Augusta will meet Monday, May 23, from 7-9 p.m. Contact Lynn Reed at 706-833-5101. La Leche League will meet Tuesday, May 24, at 7 p.m. at Inner Bean Cafe, Davis Road. Visit

Drinks of all kinds will be served at Historic Augusta’s Cotton Ball on Thursday, May 26, from 6:30-9:30 p.m., but Mint Juleps will be the beverage of choice at this membership drive event that also features dinner, dessert, live music and a raffle. Call 706-724-0436 or visit

Infant CPR is Tuesday, May 24, from 7-9 p.m. at Trinity Hospital of Augusta. Pre-registration required. Call 706-481-7604 or visit

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Car Seat Safety Class is at Martinez Fire Rescue on Wednesday, May 25, from 5:45-8 p.m. $10. Preregistration required. Call 706-721-7606 or visit Big Brother/Big Sister, a class that offers educational and interactive activities so children will be prepared to welcome a new baby into the family, meets Thursday, May 26, from 6-7:30 p.m. at Doctors Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-651-2229 or visit How Top Stop Chronic Heart Burn, a seminar with Dr. Robert Scheirer, is Thursday, May 26, from 6:30-7:30 p.m. at Doctors Hospital. Preregistration required. Call 706-651-4343 or visit Joint Efforts, a informational class about knee and hip pain causes and treatments sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday at 11 a.m. at Augusta Orthopaedic Clinic. Call 706-481-7604 or visit


Alzheimer’s Support Group meets Thursday, May 19, at 3 p.m. at Westwood Nursing Facility in Evans. Call 706-863-751 or visit Blood Cancer/Stem Cell Support Group will meet Thursday, May 19, from 5:30-7 p.m. in MCGHealth Cancer Center’s first floor community room. For more information, call 706-721-1634 or visit Skip To My Lupus meets at Aiken Regional Medical Center’s Dining Room A on Thursday, May 19, from 7-9 a.m. Call 803-282-9193 or visit Let’s Talk Cancer Support Group will meet Tuesday, May 24, from 5:30-7 p.m. at MCGHealth. Call 706-721-0550 or visit Parkinson’s Disease Support Group will meet Tuesday, May 24, at 6 p.m. at University Hospital. Call 706863-6355 or visit Insulin Pump Support Group meets Thursday, May 26, from 6-7 p.m. at University Hospital. Call 706-8683027 or visit A.W.A.K.E.,asleepapneasupport group at MCGHealth, meets Thursday, May 26, from 7-9 p.m. Call 706-7210793 or visit Moms Connection meets every Tuesday from 1-2 p.m. at 1225 Walton

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Way (the old Fairway Ford dealership), room 1010C. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meets each Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. in Suite 110 of Medical Office Building 2, 3624 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Call 706651-2229 or visit


Computer Hardware Basics is a two-session class at Diamond Lakes Branch Library that meets Thursdays, May 19 and 26, at 10 a.m. Free, but preregistration required. Call 706-772-2432 or visit OnlineJobSearchingisacomputer class at the Wallace Branch Library that meets Thursday, May 19, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-7226275 or visit Basic Resume Writing Class is at Friedman Branch Library on Saturday, May 21, at 10:30 a.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-736-6758 or visit Beginner’s Internet, a free computer class at the Headquarters Branch Library, is Tuesday, May 24, at 6:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit

Getting Out of Debt is a class offered at the Maxwell Branch Library that is Tuesday, May 24, at 6:45 p.m. Spend an hour with a certified credit counselor learning about various kinds of credit. Pre-registration required. Call 706-793-2020 or visit Survival of the Fittest: Nutrition Designed for your Workout is a nutrition seminar at Wilson Family Y hosted by Doctors Hospital on Thursday, May 26, at 6 p.m. Free to members; $10 to non-members. Call 706-922-9622 or visit


New Volunteer Orientation is Saturday, May 21, at 9 a.m. at the CSRA Humane Society’s Pet Center. Children may volunteer as long as they are always accompanied by an adult. Call 706-2617387 or visit Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 8:45 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of a personal item which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or visit


The Augusta GreenJackets play the Greenville Drive on Thursday, May

19, at 7:05 p.m. The GreenJackets also play the Savannah Sand Gnats May 25-26 at 7:05 p.m. All games at Lake Olmstead Stadium. Tickets are $1-$13. Call 706-922-WINS or visit The Symphonic Chorus of the CSRA Golf Tournament is Friday, May 20, beginning with lunch at 11:30 a.m. at Forest Hills Golf Club. Featuring prizes, raffles, auctions and 19th Hole Party. $300 for teams or $80 for individuals. Call 706-826-4713 or visit MoonlightMusicCruise,featuring entertainment by Karen Gordon, jazz keyboard and vocalist, will be held Friday, May 20, at 7 p.m. $25 per seat. Call 706-823-0440 or visit TheSpringBlastSeries6v6Soccer Tournament is Saturday, May 21, at Patriots Park in Columbia County. Team ages are 14-adults (boys, girls, men’s, women’s and co-ed). Cost is $150 per team. Registration deadline is May 18. Call 706-312-7415 or visit http:// Group Run begins each Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. at Nacho Mama’s. Threeand four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners.

Camellias are sure to be on display during The Aiken Garden Show, this Friday-Saturday, May 20-21, from 8:30 a.m.-5:30 p.m. each day. The show will feature speakers, workshops and tours of private gardens. Tickets are $20 at the door or $18 in advance. Call 803-641-6777 or visit

Call 706-414-4059 or email jim@

p.m. Saturday Sunset Cruises, lasting three hours, are at 5 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-823-0440 or visit

Hockey Skills & Drills is every Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Augusta Ice Sports Center. $10-$15. Call 706-8630061 or visit


Introduction to Art Workshop, designed to introduce students to visual art through experimentation using a variety of media, styles and techniques, will be held Thursday, May 19, and Saturday, May 21, at Fort Gordon. Workshop is open to children of personnel. Art supplies included. Call 706-791-4455 or visit cyss.php.

Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit RiverviewDiscGolfLeaguemeets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-215-8181 or visit AugustaRugbyFootballClubmeets every Tuesday and Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at the Julian Smith Casino ballpark. New players are welcome. Email arj6402@ Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well

Bring plenty of business cards to the Augusta-Metro Chamber of Commerce’s Business After Hours at Virginia College on Monday, May 23, from 5:30-7:30 p.m. You’ll need them at this power networking event. Free for chamber members; $25 for non-members. Call 706821-1300 or visit

as a helmet, are required. Call 706-7246777 or visit Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6 p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at

Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706-826-5809 or email alsalley@ Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered daily at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3

Pond Exploration, a wet and muddy program at Reed Creek Nature Park, is Thursday May 19, from 4:305:30 p.m. For ages 5 and up. Free, but Pre-registration required. Call 706-2104027 or visit Movies on the Lawn, presented by Family Y of North Augusta and featuring family friendly movies, is Friday, May 20, at 8:30 p.m. in Hammond’s Ferry’s Boeckh Park. Free. Call 803-278-0882 or visit Summer Reading Kick-Off is Saturday, May 21, from 10 a.m.-5


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Aahhh... the 1970s and ’80s: A time when the word “mad” only applied to the names of Mel Gibson’s movies. Hearken back to those good ole days at the Headquarters Branch Library on Saturday, May 21, at 11 a.m. during their “Mad Max Mania” Movie Marathon. Popcorn and drinks will be provided. Call 706-8212600 or visit

Collage Creative Arts Camp, beginning Monday, May 23, is registering now. Call 706-738-7527 or Summer Camp at Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History, beginning Monday, May 23, is registering now. $125 per child. Call 706-724-3576 or visit Family Y Day Camps, at all area branches, run weekly thoughout the summer beginning May 23. For ages 5-17, pre-registration is required for all camps, and a deposit of $15 per child per week is charged upon initial enrollment in a camp program. Register at any Family Y location or online at Summer Art Camps at the Aiken Center for the Arts, for those ages 4 and up, will be conducted weekly June 20 through July 25 and feature a different theme each week. Half-day and full-day programs available. $117$193.50 for members and $130-$215 for non-members. Pre-registration is going on now. Call 803-641-9094 or visit Story Time at Diamond Lakes Branch Library, including books, stories, songs, games and more, is each Tuesday at 10 a.m. Pre-registration required for groups of six or more. Call 706-772-2432 or visit

p.m. at the Columbia County Library. Participants will get their summer reading folders and enjoy activities such as a water slides, climbing walls, sumo wrestling suits, face painting, sidewalk art, belly dancing and live entertainment, popcorn and drinks. Call 706-863-1946 or visit TheProtectedAnimalsofGeorgia is Saturday, May 21, from 11 a.m.-noon at Reed Creek Nature Park in Martinez. For ages 5 and up. Free for members; $2 for non-members. Pre-registration required. Call 706-210-4027 or visit Time to Care Family Fair is Saturday, May 21, from 11 a.m. -4 p.m. at the Augusta Common. The fair will feature over 40 displays, kids’ crafts and activities, and stage entertainment. E-mail or Time with Tina Terry, a story time, puppet show and other educational fun time with the local newscaster, is Saturday, May 21, from 2:30-3:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit

24 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

Parent’s Night Out at Wilson Family Y and Family Y of Augusta South is Saturday, May 21, from 6-9:30 p.m. $10 for Family Y members; $15 for non-members. Pre-registration is required. Call 706-922-9622 or visit

required. Call 706-736-6244 or visit

“More Than Meets The Eye,” a presentation of USC-Aiken’s DuPont Planetarium, is Saturday, May 21, at 8 p.m. Visitors will learn how they can identify objects in the sky using the naked eye, binoculars and telescopes. Call 803-641-3313 or visit planetarium/.

SafetySpecialisTuesday,May25, at 10:30 a.m. at Appleby Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-7366244 or visit

“Yogi Bear” shows Monday, May 23, at 2 p.m. as part of the Monday Matinee Movie series at Diamond Lakes Library. Call 706-772-2432 or visit Auditions to attend The James Brown Academy of Musik Pupils’ J.A.M.P! Music Camp will be held Tuesday, May 23, from 6-8 p.m. at C.H. Terrell Academy, 2230 Broad Street. Call 706-7366216 or visit FlowersandBugsCraftWorkshop is Monday May 24, at 11 a.m. at Appleby Branch Library. Pre-registration

Critters of the Night at Silver Bluff Audubon Center is Monday, May 24, at 7:30 p.m. $5. Call 803-649-7999 or visit

“Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” Movie Marathon is a teen program on Wednesday, May 25, from 1-5 p.m at the Headquarters Branch library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl. org/teens. Jazz4Kids is Wednesday, May 25, at 2 p.m. at the Columbia County Library. Call 706-495-6238 or visit Nurturing Nature Walk at Reed Creek Nature Park, for ages 3-5, is Thursday, May 26, from 10-11 a.m. Free for members and $2 per child for nonmembers. Call 706-210-4027 or visit

The Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages 5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at the Augusta Soccer Park. Call 706-8540149 or visit Storytime in the Gardens, a free program for children 8 and under, is held Tuesdays through May at 4 p.m. in Hopelands Gardens in Aiken. Free. Call 803-642-7630 or visit Toddler Time, free play for children ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:3011:30 a.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m. and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the children’s department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. Call 706-7370012 or visit

Homeschool Playgroup meets each Thursday at 10:30 a.m. at Creighton Park in North Augusta. Call 803-613-0484.


Games for Seniors at the Weeks Center in Aiken include Rummikub each Thursday from 9 a.m.-noon, Mahjong each Thursday from 1-4 p.m., Bridge each Friday from 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m., Bingo each Tuesday at 9 a.m., Pinochle each Tuesday from 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; and Canasta on Tuesdays and Fridays from 11:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Call 803-6427631 or visit Line Dancing is each Tuesday at the Weeks Center in Aiken at 10 a.m.

Where Acquired: Goodwill in Martinez What It Started Life As: These pine steps were obviously used for a short dog with long nails.

Call 803-642-7631 or visit Silversneakers I is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 11:15 a.m., while Silversneakers Yogastretch is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 11:15 a.m. at the Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit Ceramics Class if offered at 9 a.m. on Mondays or Wednesdays and 6 p.m. on Mondays or Tuesdays at the Weeks Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit Fit 4 Ever is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Mondays,

Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10-11 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit

Saturday at 9 a.m. and Sundays from 2-5 p.m. at the society’s Adamson Library, 1109 Broad St. Free. Call 706-722-4073.

Yoga I and II is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 8:45-9:45 a.m. and on Mondays and Wednesdays from 5:30-6:30 p.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit

Georgia-Carolina Toastmasters Meeting, for those who want to brush up on their public speaking skills, is every Wednesday at noon at the Cotton Patch downtown. Free. Call 803-593-6605.


The Augusta Coin Club will meet Thursday, May 19, at 6:30 p.m. at America’s Best Value Inn on Washington Road. Visit Augusta Genealogical Society meets every Monday, Wednesday and

French Club meets each Thursday at 7 p.m. at Borders. Free. Call 706-737-6962. If you would like to see your organization’s events listed in our calendar, please email Amy Christian at The deadline for each Thursday’s issue is the previous Friday at noon.

Chris Powell

The Story: These steps were purchased for $5.03 at the fancy Goodwill and after a good bit of sanding and a new coat of paint, they became the steps to a threeyear-old princess’ bed. Total Cost: $18.33.


Thrifting is an occasional feature on the art of thriftstore surfing and the deals said art produces. If you own a thrift-store find, send us a picture, along with its story, to

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TEK Is There Any Such Thing as Privacy Anymore?

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We are entering a new world of working the Internet. The tech experts call it the era of the Modern Web. It’s mobile, it’s social. You use apps like Zillow to get the prices of homes on the Hill as you drive down Walton Way. Applications like FourSquare allow you to discover nearby restaurants or shopping deals… or even identify yourself to all the singles at Somewhere In Augusta before you even walk in the door. However, over the past couple of weeks, some of the ugly in the technology world underscores how our newfound productivity can create significant vulnerabilities to our online security. Several big system hacks have been in the news lately, but the big one of course is Sony’s Playstation Network and Online Entertainment servers. See the Sony Playstation blog for complete details, but, in summary, the personal information of over 77 million users was accessed in one form or another. In another news story, we were informed that the iPhone maintains a record of everywhere we’ve been for the last month. Not to be left out, Android phones also periodically contact Google with technical information on usage. So what does this mean? Is our identity in danger? Does this mean an end of privacy? I don’t think so. First of all, I believe that it’s an unrealistic expectation that you can operate on the Internet in complete anonymity any more than you can expect to drive down Washington Road without anyone seeing you. The best value of social networking is using technology to augment and be more productive in the relationships we currently have.

Building relationships is a personal activity. How can you possibly build a relationship with an anonymous individual? You can’t… and Internet predators consistently exploit this fact. I believe that it is important to keep the link between our online presence and the real world. That said, privacy must continue to exist when you go online just like it does when you go into your house and shut the door. Private networks must continue to remain private, and if you share your identity with someone, you have the right to demand to understand how that data will be used. Do the necessary controls exist for online privacy? We’re probably not there yet, but I think it has more to do with the maturation of new technology than an overt conspiracy to destroy our privacy. So how should one guard their online identity? In short, the same way you guard your individuality. Be aware of what you are doing online. A good rule of thumb is to assume everything is public unless you can verify otherwise. If you engage in e-commerce, make sure it’s from a reputable site that is secure. Connecting to an unmanaged, public wi-fi without the appropriate protection exposes all your data. Don’t think that there aren’t predators out there sipping on their coffee waiting for the next score. And of course, advertising yourself on a singles app connected to a Facebook account friended to your spouse… very bad. For specific things you can do to protect yourself, Google “online privacy” to get started. As for me, until next time, I’m off the grid.

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Always a bridesmaid... raunchy chick flick comes in second to “Thor,” which tops the weekend box office for a second week. RANK TITLE


































“Bridesmaids” Sam Eifling The Girl’s Version of “The Hangover” Anyone who ever slagged Judd Apatow for stacking his comedies overwhelmingly in favor of dudehood (only in his universe does Seth Rogan get Katherine Heigl knocked up) may take heart that he listened. Either that, or sharing the producing credits with four other people, two of them women, lightened his touch on the comedienne-driven “Bridesmaids.” Gone are the three gears for women (loons or nags or sexpots), replaced by a half-dozen excellent female roles. Comedies don’t usually give this much latitude to women. Also, perhaps not coincidentally, comedies usually are nowhere this funny. Kristen Wiig stars as Annie, trudging through a life of quiet desperation in Milwaukee. She has no boyfriend but does have dreamy Jon Hamm making overconfident love to her and then shooing her to the stoop. She lost her bakery in the recession and splits an apartment with goony British siblings to keep from moving in with her mother (Jill Clayburgh). At least she has her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph), who — o, bittersweet joy! — finally gets engaged to her

longtime boyfriend. As the maid of honor, Annie meets the rest of the bridal party: the Disney-honeymooning Becca (Ellie Kemper), the weary mother of three Rita (Wendi McLendon-Covey) and sister of the groom Megan, played by Melissa McCarthy, whose physicality and physique recall Chris Farley, only wittier. Hackles rise when Annie encounters the immaculate Helen (Rose Byrne). She also refers to Lillian as a best friend, and her charm, poise, wealth, taste and penchant for upstaging Annie seem effortless. Thus we set off on a journey in two parts. The first is Annie trying to hold her deteriorating life together, even as she flakily woos a gentle and good-humored cop named Rhodes (Chris O’Dowd). The second is a frenemy relationship burgeoning

between the aggressively perfect Helen and the ever more marginalized Annie. The screenplay (by Wiig and Annie Mumalo, who both have those coproducer credits as well) navigates neatly between the hilarious and the poignant. “Bridesmaids” is the comedy for the thinking person who also wants to see women throw up into one another’s hair, or to discuss the displeasure of having penises brandished too close to their faces. But it’s more than just bodilyfunctionalia that drives the story. If Wiig and Rudolph aren’t actually donate-akidney friends in real life, they sure fake it well. This is not, in any serious way, a romantic comedy, but their camaraderie has that sort of easy spark. Wiig’s oeuvre

wouldn’t suggest that she could pull off a semi-dramatic lead as deftly as she does, nor would director Paul Feig appear to be certain to transfer his TV chops from “The Office,” “Nurse Jackie” and “Arrested Development” to features. Yet it all clicks. If anything “Bridesmaids” tends to err on the side of dawdling; it would have felt crisper if it were less patient. At more than two hours long, it indulges a few gags for a beat too long. That’s mostly a quibble. Pretty much whatever “Bridesmaids” tries, works. It gets more laughs in more ways than almost anything in recent memory. The fair sex just got its “Hangover.”



Opening Friday, May 20

Going to the movies this weekend? Here’s what’s playing.

Action “Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, rated PG-13, starring Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush. Director Gore Verbinski and actors Kiera Knightly and Orlando Bloom are out, but Depp is back as Capt. Jack Sparrow. In addition to some new faces, Sparrow finds himself surrounded by... zombies! How can that be bad?

Rom-Com “Midnight in Paris,” rated PG-13, starring Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Kathy Bates, Marion Cotillard. Directed by Woody Allen, this fanciful movie set in France has an all-star cast, including the country’s first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.

The Big Mo May 20-21 Main Field: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) and Thor (PG-13); Screen 2: Fast Five (PG-13) and Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) Screen 3: Water for Elephants (PG13) and Rio (G). Gates open at 7 p.m.; shows begin at 8:30 p.m. (approximately) Masters 7 Cinemas

E W “The Princess Bride” (1987) “So I Married an Axe Murderer” (1993) Two of the most quotable movies Hollywood has ever produced are also two of the most entertaining. Mike Myers’ “Axe Murderer” doesn’t hold up quite as well after almost 20 years, with Nancy Travis terribly miscast as the girl of Charlie MacKenzie’s dreams, but it contains enough pluses to balance out Travis’ huge minus. Including in those pluses are a young, hot Anthony LaPaglia as Charlie’s best friend, and Charlie’s dad Stuart (also played by Myers), who gets all the best lines. Piper down! “The Princess Bride” is the better movie. It’s so good, in fact that it inspired an Avett Brothers song (“Find My Love” — listen to it yourself and see if you don’t recognize the poison scene). Everyone cites “Inconceivable!” as its most quotable line, but I much prefer “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” And not just because it’s uttered by a much younger, much hotter Mandy Patinkin. — MS




30 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

May 20 Arthur (PG-13) 4, 9:30; Hop (PG) 5:10, 7:25, 9:45; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 5:20, 7:35, 9:50; Limitless (PG-13) 4:20, 7, 9:35; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 6:50; Mars Needs Moms (PG) 5:30, 7:45, 9:55; Rango (PG) 4:40, 7:10, 9:40; I Am Number Four (PG-13) 6:40, 9:25 May 21 Arthur (PG-13) 4, 9:30; Hop (PG) 12:40, 2:55, 5:10, 7:25, 9:45; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:50, 3:05, 5:20, 7:35, 9:50; Limitless (PG-13) 1:20, 4:20, 7, 9:35; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 1:10, 6:50; Mars Needs Moms (PG) 1, 3:15, 5:30, 7:45, 9:55; Rango (PG) 12:30, 1:30, 3:30, 4:40, 7:10, 9:40; I Am Number Four (PG-13) 6:40, 9:25 Regal Augusta Exchange May 20 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 9:45, 10:10, 10:35, 11, 11:25, noon, 12:50, 1:15, 1:40, 2:05, 2:30, 3:55, 4:20, 4:45, 5:10, 5:35, 7, 7:25, 7:50, 8:15, 8:40, 9:05, 10:05, 10:30, 10:55, 11:20, 11:45, 12:10, 1; Bridesmaids (R) 9:50, 10:50, 12:40, 1:45, 3:30, 4:35, 7:05, 7:35, 9:55, 10:25, 12:45; Priest (PG-13) 10:45, 11:45, 1, 2:10, 3:15, 4:30, 5:30, 7:30, 8, 9:45, 10:15, midnight, 12:35; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 10:15, 11:15, 12:55, 1:55, 3:35, 4:40, 7:15, 7:45, 10, 10:35, 12:40; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 11:50, 2:35, 5:15, 7:55, 10:40; Thor (PG-13) 10, 10:30, 11:05, 12:45, 1:20, 3:40, 4:10, 4:55, 7:10, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20, 10:50, 12:30, 1; Fast Five (PG-13) 10:20, 11:20, 1:25, 2:25, 4:25, 5:20, 7:20, 8:20, 10:15, 11:15; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG13) 10:55, 1:30, 4, 5, 7:10, 9:40, 12:15; Water for Elephants (PG-13) 2, 7:40; Rio The Movie (G) 10:05, 12:25, 2:45, 5:05, 7:25, 9:45, 12:05

May 21 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 9:45, 10:10, 10:35, 11, 11:25, noon, 12:50, 1:15, 1:40, 2:05, 2:30, 3:55, 4:20, 4:45, 5:10, 5:35, 7, 7:25, 7:50, 8:15, 8:40, 9:05, 10:05, 10:30, 10:55, 11:20, 11:45, 12:10, 1; Bridesmaids (R) 9:50, 10:50, 12:40, 1:45, 3:30, 4:35, 7:05, 7:35, 9:55, 10:25, 12:45; Priest (PG-13) 10:45, 11:45, 1, 2:10, 3:15, 4:30, 5:30, 7:30, 8, 9:45, 10:15, midnight, 12:35; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 10:15, 11:15, 12:55, 1:55, 3:35, 4:40, 7:15, 7:45, 10, 10:35, 12:40; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 11:50, 2:35, 5:15, 7:55, 10:40; Thor (PG-13) 10, 10:30, 11:05, 12:45, 1:20, 3:40, 4:10, 4:55, 7:10, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20, 10:50, 12:30, 1; Fast Five (PG-13) 10:20, 11:20, 1:25, 2:25, 4:25, 5:20, 7:20, 8:20, 10:15, 11:15; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG13) 10:55, 1:30, 4, 5, 7:10, 9:40, 12:15; Water for Elephants (PG-13) 2, 7:40; Rio The Movie (G) 10:05, 12:25, 2:45, 5:05, 7:25, 9:45, 12:05 Evans Stadium Cinemas May 20 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 11:30, 12:15, 1, 2:30, 3:15, 4, 5:30, 6:15, 7, 8, 8:30, 9:15, 10; Bridesmaids (R) 12:35, 3:40, 6:40, 9:35; Priest (PG-13) 12:30, 2:40, 4:50, 7:25, 9:45; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 1:10, 4:10, 7:05, 9:50; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 1, 4, 7, 9:40; Thor (PG-13) 12:45, 1:30, 3:30, 4:20, 6:30, 7:15, 9:15, 10; Fast Five (PG-13) 12:50, 3:50, 6:50, 9:55; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 11:45, 2:15, 4:50, 7:25, 9:55; Water for Elephants (PG-13) 1:10, 4:10, 7:10, 9:50; Rio The Movie (G) Noon, 2:40, 5:05, 7:30, 9:55; Soul Surfer (PG) 12:05, 2:50, 5:20 May 21 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 11:30, 12:15, 1, 2:30, 3:15, 4, 5:30, 6:15, 7, 8, 8:30, 9:15, 10; Bridesmaids (R) 12:35, 3:40, 6:40, 9:35; Priest (PG-13) 12:30, 2:40, 4:50, 7:25, 9:45; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 1:10, 4:10, 7:05, 9:50; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 1, 4, 7, 9:40; Thor (PG-13) 12:45, 1:30, 3:30, 4:20, 6:30, 7:15, 9:15, 10; Fast Five (PG-13) 12:50, 3:50, 6:50, 9:55; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (PG) 11:45 a.m.; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 2:15, 4:50, 7:25, 9:55; Water for Elephants (PG-13) 1:10, 4:10, 7:10, 9:50; Rio The Movie (G) Noon, 2:40, 5:05, 7:30, 9:55; Soul Surfer (PG) 12:05, 2:50, 5:20

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 31


Amy Christian


Banjo-B-Que Of fers Music Fans More Than Bluegrass When the gates open for the second Annual Banjo-B-Que on Friday, May 27, festivalgoers will find amateur cooking contests — steaks for the adults and burgers for kids, kids activities including a petting zoo and carnival rides, special events such as a pig race, and arts and crafts vendors. What they’ll also find, and what is sure to be one of the biggest draws to this Memorial Day weekend festival, is some of the best bluegrass and Americana music in one place at one time. In addition to Friday night’s big name — John Popper of Blues Traveler visits with his new band the Duskray Troubadours — is a local band who graced the stage last year. “I guess they liked us or our price was

Old Crow Medicine Show

32 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

right so they asked us to come back,” laughed Crosstie Walkers’ Don Powers. “I guess it was a little bit of both.” Powers and the rest of the members of the Crosstie Walkers, who have been together for an astounding 20 years, understand a little bit about what it means to put on a festival the size of the Papa Joe’s Banjo-B-Que. “We run, in fact you’ll find us this weekend at the Blind Willie McTell Blues Festival. We’re the guys who took the festival over in year six from the county,” he said. “We’ll be on stage for the festival, we booked all the acts. Our association with the Pond family [Banjo-B-Que is named for Joe Pond, whose family owns AB Beverage] is they have served our festival every year.”

Those two reasons made the members of Crosstie Walkers eager to reciprocate the support they received. “We thought it only fair that we come in and play for the initial festival,” Pond said. “We understand how it is to build a festival from the ground up so we wanted to be involved in any way possible. They’ve got a good idea.” That good idea, admittedly, has a lot to do with good music. Friday night, when the Crosstie Walkers perform, other bands that will grace the stage that night include The Blue Dogs, The Whiskey Gentry, Sibling String and Popper’s band. Saturday’s lineup is so vast it required a main stage and a saloon stage for acoustic music, and features Bloodkin,

Charlie Parr and the Black Twig Pickers, Little Roy and Lizzy, Frontier Ruckus, Chatham County Line, Peachtree Station, Old Crow Medicine Show, and Doc Watson and David Holt. “We’ve done some shows before with Chatham County Line, so we knew those guys and they are absolutely one of our favorites. Dynamite,” Powers said of the co-billed band. “And, of course, Old Crow... they don’t put on a bad show.” And for those who might shy away from an all-bluegrass all-the-time lineup, Powers explains that many of the bands, including Crosstie Walkers, don’t strictly adhere to one genre of music. Popper’s new project, for instance, is described as Americana roots music. Old Crow Medicine Show combines

bluegrass with alt-country. So how would Powers describe Crosstie Walkers? “We like roots music, American music, and that covers a broad range,” he said. “I guess we’re alternative-country-folkacoustic-based music, but a couple of our guys have pop sensibilities. It all kind of blends together to kind of give us a unique sound.” “When we were children we liked Simon & Garfunkel, the Byrds, and all that speaks to harmony,” he continued. “The Band and Bob Dylan have probably been as big an influence on our music as any single professional artist. It’s hard not to be influenced by The Band or Bob Dylan, so we’re in a long line there.” One thing Powers said audience members will always see at a Crosstie Walkers show is “a guy out front singing and playing acoustic guitar.” It just might not always be the same guy, Powers said, since all five members — Charlie Knox, Tommy Powers (Don’s brother), Scott Roberts and Greg Purvis — write. “We all sing and we all write, so most

of the time when you hear different people singing it’s usually because they have a connection to the lyrics,” he explained. “Typically, Charlie Knox is our lead singer, but if we have a song where it makes more sense for another person to sing we’ll do it, especially if the other person has written the lyrics.” With five members, who have five families with a total of 17 children under the age of 21 (not to mention jobs), Powers said one thing keeps them coming back despite other demands. “We make no pretense, we’re in the business for the love of music,” he said. “If the job doesn’t suit us we don’t play it. If all five of us can’t get together, we might do a trio or a quartet gig. We do it for the comfort of playing, the comfort of being together. We rarely play in a public place for money unless it’s these festivals.” Festivals like Banjo-B-Que make it easy to indulge in their love. “What makes Banjo-B-Que and Blind Willie so much fun is that these events are run by high-quality sound technicians, so we can get on a big stage and make music in a big way,” he said. “It’s a whole lot more fun when you have somebody

John Popper

tending to that and all you have to worry about is coming in and playing.” Papa Joe’s Banjo-B-Que Bluegrass Festival and Barbecue Cook-Off North Augusta Hippodrome Friday, May 27, 4:30 p.m. Musical lineup includes John Popper and the Duskray Troubadours, The Blue Dogs, The Whiskey Gentry, Sibling String, Crosstie Walkers Saturday, May 28, 11:30 a.m.

Musical lineup includes Old Crow Medicine Show, Doc Watson and David Holt, Frontier Ruckus, Chatham County Line, Sibling String, Charlie Parr and the Black Twig Pickers, Crosstie Walkers, Little Roy and Lizzy, Peachtree Station, Bloodkin Weekend pass, $30; Friday only, $15; Saturday only (advance), $20, Saturday only (gate), 25

Crosstie Walkers

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 33

sightings Michael Johnson

Laura Lee, Jef f Young and Julie Chenault at Pops! Under the Stars at University Health Care System’s Evans campus.

Cedric “Good Smith, Times”’ Donna Jimmy Briscoe, “JJ” Walker Angela , DeShonda Jones and Mincey Randyand George Hunter Sneed at the Par at Somewhere 3 Party at the Augusta in Augusta. Common

Keith Reynolds, Tamarie Reynolds and Ginger Reese at Coyote’s. Shirley King, Debra Dean, Miss Georgia United States 2011 Lubov Patouga and Evon Green at the Relay for Life at Westside High School.

Ashton Schultz, Monica Glessner, Tammy Taylor and Caitlin Barry at The Country Club.

Brent and Leah Liming at the Pizza Joint in Evans. Photo jWhite Augusta Rugby’s CJ White, Chris Layton, Ken Stephenson and Chris Cary at the Marine Mud Challenge at Fort Gordon.

CedricStarling, Smith, Donna Rebecca Jmiha Briscoe, Williamson, Angela Jones and Randy at the Gene O’Dell and Stacy Hiebert Hunter at the Par 3 Party at Marine Mud Challenge at Fort Gordon. the Augusta Common

Our OYSTERS are the Best Ever!

Tara Lemay, Robyn Green, Raye Winsor and Stephannie Nelson at the Marine Mud Challenge at Fort Gordon.

Happy Hour MON-FRI 4:30 p.m. - 7 p.m. Food & Drink Specials

Remember, our gift certificates make great graduation gifts!


WRIGHT Back to college days for me My heart is pounding, hands sweating. My tennis friends are all gathered around the table with fingers crossed, wondering what is taking our server so long. We’re waiting to see if my check card is approved or declined. Because I stay home with The Kids, The Man puts money in my account each week and it’s usually enough to get me from Thursday to Thursday. Yes, we do have separate accounts. Trust me, it’s better for everyone. Let’s just say that he is much more fiscally responsible than I. We switched banks about a month ago, abandoning the mega bank for a lovely local one. The employees actually know our names. I believe they actually want us to bank there. Last week, after visiting the downtown branch at Enterprise Mill, the teller thought that he forgot to put my cash in the little envelope. He tracked me down. He called our house, The Man’s office and finally got me on my cell phone. I assured him that I did, in fact, have my cash and thanked him (full of shock and entirely impressed) for calling me. That made up for the fact that he didn’t give me a lollipop. With a new and smaller bank come adjustments. Getting everything transferred over and set up has been a process. My weekly money used to automatically transfer from The Man’s account to mine. It’s fixed now, but for the first few weeks he just had to remember to do it. He didn’t always remember to do it. At the gas station last week, the pump was dispensing gas so slowly. Like molasses. I was cussing it. Why in the world is this thing so slow? This is going to take forever. And then it stopped. At $5.34. What. The. Hell. I call The Man and he admits that he forgot to transfer the money. The pump was not broken. It only allowed me to have $5.34 in gas because that’s all the money I had left. Do you realize that’s around 1.5 gallons? I was so low, that little bit of gas barely got me to the empty line. The anxiety that comes with all of this brings back a feeling all too familiar. In

college, my friends and I perfected the art of a well-written check. You know you did it, too. Back then, if we were out of cash, meaning the back account was empty, we’d go to the grocery and write a check! It took at least a week for it to clear, and by then we’d have money again. You can’t do that anymore because most places electronically scan the check, taking your money immediately. Speaking of college and grocery shopping, did you know that if something at the store is expired they give it to you for free? I certainly wouldn’t want week-old sausage or milk but don’t think we didn’t show up at midnight looking for things that “expired” only minutes before. Back to yesterday. We finally see our server. She presents all of the credit card folders, including mine, and hands us all pens. It went through! We all high fived and cheered. Yes! Our first automatic transfer of funds was a success! I sent The Man a text letting him know and headed to the grocery store. Where my card was declined right there in the middle of the self-checkout that I frequent several times per week. I must’ve had a little money left from the previous week — just enough to cover my Speedy Gonzales lunch special. The transfer did eventually go through at about 5:10 yesterday evening. I’ll just have to budget better next week. Or start making my list based on expiration dates and start shopping at midnight.

Fringe Thanks to all our loyal clients and their referrals, we have expanded! Come see why we are Metros Best Hair Salon 2011 We want to welcome to our team Robbin Johnson & Crystal Story.



F R I N G E H A I R O N L I N E . C O M


101 Maple Drive · Martinez (next to Firehouse Subs on Columbia Rd.)

Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl). She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 35

CRISP Knuckle Sandwiches Fine dining chef opens bare-bones op on Broad

Joshua Detchemendy says he has always worked in fine dining. He opened the Broad Street Market, which is now Frog Hollow Tavern; worked at the White Elephant for a year or so (the power bill at the White Elephant was higher than his rent is now); and spent a couple of years in kitchens at Bistro 491, Atlanta and even Spain. So what did Detchemendy choose as the third restaurant he has taken on to run? A sandwich shop so small you have to step outside to change your mind (buda boom). Located on the well-traveled sidewalk between the Firehouse and Sky City/ Mellow Mushroom in downtown Augusta, Knuckle Sandwiches sort of fell in his lap. “Josh Williamson, who owns Firehouse, called me because he knew Joseph, who had Munchies here, was closing up shop and moving his stuff out and he called me,” Detchemendy said. “He had already had this concept for a couple of years and I said I’d put the menu together.” What they created is a downtown joint open for the business folks for lunch and the party people in the middle of the night. “We’re open Monday through Friday for lunches, 11-3, then Wednesday night through Saturday night. I open at 9 [p.m.] and a lot of times I don’t get out of here ‘til 4 [a.m.],” he said. “But you know, if I sell 50 sandwiches from 3-4 [a.m.], you know, which I do, that’s

where the money is… right now at least. It took me two restaurants to figure out downtown Augusta.” Opening up a business downtown is a risky venture, but Detchemendy feels good.

so I was able to pay small loans back, $500 to $600 on the equipment. The hood vent alone was about $8,000. We had to put it in, put in the return and put new fans on the roof.”

Joshua Detchemendy “It’s doing well so far, so we’ll see.” Not necessarily a ringing endorsement, but chefs generally fall into two categories — die-hard self promoters or laid-back cooks. Detchemendy definitely falls into the latter. So what goes into opening a restaurant on a shoestring? “We haven’t done any advertising yet at all,” he said. “I just got to where the first few months here everything was going back in the place. We opened with nothing. We opened with a kitchen. Put the kitchen in and we opened and I was selling food with no tables no chairs. There wasn’t anything in here and my first night I sold 80 sandwiches.” “But you know, I know everyone around here — I grew up here — I have a lot of support,” he continued. “Now we’ve put in tables and chairs and a lot of the kitchen stuff I got loaned to me…

So, a former restaurant had to be completely rebuilt. Basically by hand… Detchemendy’s. “The old stuff had to be ripped out; nothing in here was usable according to the fire department,” he said. “I had to buy the coolers, freezers. I’m slowly putting stuff in here — and now we are finally at the point five months in that a little bit of money is making its way to my pocket, you know?” On Feb. 11, comedian Brian Posehn was performing next door at Sky City. You may know Posehn from Sarah Silverman’s show on Comedy Central, or as a part of HBO’s “Mr. Show,” or you may not. But chances are, if you see him, you’ll go “ohhh, that guy!” “One night I looked up and the comedian Brian Posehn was standing in line,” Detchemendy said. “He hung

out for an hour and loved the place. He went straight from here to his plane and tweeted about how much he loved the place... Oh yeah, and my PBR-B-Q at Knuckle Sandwiches in Augusta was &$5#ing delicious. Pabst Blue Ribbon and pulled pork, hell yes! ...and it wound up on Huffington Post. My business doubled overnight. I didn’t know about it for a week or so after it happened. I was busy in here getting the place set up and people started coming in saying, ‘Did you know Brian Posehn is tweeting about you?’ It was pretty cool.” It might be cool, but it’s not surprising to anyone who’s had the PBR-B-Q — pork shoulder marinated in Pabst Blue Ribbon and then braised. After cooking, the pulled pork is put on a bun with melted cheese and served with a side of barbecue sauce and the hottest, most peppery french fries ever. It’s by far the most popular sandwich in the place and for good reason — it’s addictive. No one knows what the rest of the menu tastes like because they can’t stop ordering the PBR-B-Q. Knuckle Sandwiches, 1149 Broad Street, is open for lunch Monday-Friday and late night Wednesday-Saturday. There’s only room for a few diners at the tables, so plan on motoring on. Call 706-434-8860.

Okay, my favorite pizza is BBQ, no onions or chicken, add pepperoni pepperoni and double feta cheese because my favorite food is cheese even though it has lots of fat in it. Eli Bruni, 19 Neighborhood lifeguard, server at Pizza Joint in Evans and UGA freshman.


Restaurant Franchise News Pizza

Rick Poston and partner Woody Johnson of Warner Robins recently opened Marco’s Pizza on Fury’s Ferry Road. Another is on the way in Grovetown with the goal of having six in the market in the next couple of years. Poston has been busy lately. He held a ribbon cutting Tuesday, April 26, of this year at his new Marco’s Pizza location in Warner Robins. According to the Seeking Alpha website, Poston said the growth of Marco’s reminds him of another pizza chain he’s familiar with — Papa John’s. Poston said he built many of the Papa John’s locations in middle Georgia. “When I opened the first [Papa John’s] on Tom Hill Sr. Boulevard in 1993, it was store number 289. Now there are thousands.” Opening Marco’s “reminds me of the early days of [Papa John’s] taking off,” said Poston. Shawn Skrip will be the manager

Metro Spirit: Out of curiosity, what weight did you compete at? Shwan Skrip: 155 and 181. MS: How much could you bench? SS: Close to 400. Biggest deadlift was around 600 and my biggest squat was just shy over 6. MS: What makes Marco’s Pizza different? SS: It’s 100 percent fresh. Our cheese is never frozen. We sell salads and subs and we sort of have an Italian twist. I’m from Minnesota and up there there’s practically a pizza place on every corner — all kinds of different styles of Italian. I’ve had pizza my entire life and I’ve never had toppings until coming to work here. I was training at a store in Bonaire and the manager Jeremy over there had made a pizza for me with chicken and meatballs on it, and I’m like, “I don’t think I want to try that.” He said, “Try


for the Augusta region. Skrip is in the process of moving his wife and four kids up from Albany, but it’s not the first time he’s been to Augusta. He competed here three or four times when he was into power lifting. What?

it, try it. You’ll like it.” Ever since then that’s pretty much all I’ve had. Marco’s Pizza is open seven days a week, lunch and dinner. Dine-in and delivery available. Call 706-945-0191 or visit

Jimmy Johns

706.922.1992 DUIs / Traffic - Misdemeanors Felonies - Drug Possession ALS Hearings

7013 Evans Town Center Blvd. M


“Why are our sandwiches so good?” Mark Munoz, co-owner of Jimmy Johns, across from Regal Cinemas in Augusta, repeats the question just posed to him before saying, “Everything is fresh everyday. We don’t let our bread get over a couple of hours old, we slice all our meats, all our vegetables. We don’t have a very complicated menu. We like to keep everything fresh and do everything by hand.” Jimmy John Liautaud started the company as a 19-year-old, paying $200 a month rent and using a refrigerator, a chest freezer, an oven and a meat slicer. The first Jimmy John’s opened in a garage in Charleston, Ill., on Jan. 13, 1983, with no menu. It didn’t need one since it only sold four sandwiches and

CRIMINAL DEFENSE Free Initial Consultation

Cokes (for 25 cents). The Augusta Jimmy Johns opened seven months ago. “I bought into it so I’ve been into it about nine months,” Munoz says. “We started two months ahead for training up in Champaign, Ill., to learn how to make the bread. It’s actually pretty difficult to get it right. It’s hard work but it’s enjoyable.” This isn’t Munoz’s first venture into the food and beverage industry. In fact, you could call him a veteran. “I’ve been in the restaurant business for forever and a day,” he laughs. “I was at the Holiday Inn for a while working with Scott Stencil. He left and came back and I followed him to TGI Fridays and worked there for about 12 years. I didn’t think he was ever going to leave, you know? So, I loved working there but I








wanted to have my own thing so I joined Ryan’s for a couple of years. Nothing bad to say about Ryan’s but it just wasn’t the right fit for me.” Like many veterans, Munoz suffered from burnout, but didn’t stay gone for long. “I got out of the restaurant business altogether for a couple of years and just decided I was tired of working so hard










for other people,” he explains. “It’s good to be your own boss. Nobody’s to blame but yourself, you know?” Jimmy Johns is located at 1129 Agerton Lane, 706-922-4444 or The location offers dine in, catering, online ordering and delivery.

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 37

gourmet R




Gourmet Relay is a weekly column in which local cooks share a recipe with Metro Spirit readers, then pass the tongs off to another cook of their choosing, who will be featured the following week.


Last week’s Gourmet Relay featured Raymond Wingo and his Out of This World Spaghetti & Meatballs recipe (which really was). Readers might imagine this would be a hard act to follow, but it’s a piece of cake for Joni Clay, who owns Raes Coastal Cafe. Clay, who has a 17-year-old son named Shadrick and a Jack Russell Terrier named Skip, loves her restaurant but really enjoys her group of “walking girls” who often get together for exercise... and the occasional glass of chardonnay. Family is also important to Clay, so she knew exactly which recipe to share with Metro Spirit readers — one she and her sister Julie came up with. Girlie Nuts (go ahead and laugh... we’ll wait) is a creation Clay calls the perfect spiced nuts recipe and gets its name because they are “sugar and spice and everything nice.” A great snack, Clay says the recipe also makes the perfect gift for just about anyone.

Girlie Nuts Whisk one large egg white with one tablespoon water. Toss three cups of pecan halves in mixture and coat. In another bowl, mix 1/2 cup sugar, 1 tsp. nutmeg, 1 tsp. ground cinnamon, 1/2 tsp. salt and 1/2 tsp. ground cloves. Toss with nuts until they are well coated. Lay flat, in a single layer, on a cookie sheet (use parchment paper to avoid a messy clean-up). Bake at 300 degrees for 35 minutes. Let cool and and then crumble. Store in air-tight container.


heirloom silver vintage crystal professional staff


3113 Washington Road • Augusta, GA 30907 38 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

WORKING IN OPPOSITION By Daniel A. Finan / Edited by Will Shortz

Blind piece Some encls. “Great Scott!” Pianist Myra Numbers game

DOWN 1 Hold on a mat 2 Chop-chop 3 N.R.A. concern 4 Mr., in Milano 5 March Madness activity 6 Lane marking 7 Millennia-old Jordanian city that’s a World Heritage Site 8 St. Clare’s home 9 Asian title 10 Walsh with 2004 and 2008 gold medals in beach volleyball 11 Golf’s Aoki 12 D.J.’s considerations 13 Like stars at night 14 Secs 15 Asia’s ___ Sea 16 Ideal 17 Covered for, maybe 18 Baby bottles 20 Doo-wop syllable 24 Masked people wield them 29 ___ latte 31 Courses people look forward to? 33 Part of L.A. 35 Radial alternative 39 Through 40 “O my prophetic ___!”: Hamlet 42 Genus of holly 43 One in a harness 45 Palm features 46 ___ circumstances 48 Actress Hagen 49 Suffix with audit 50 Union locale 51 Barbecued bit 52 More clichéd 57 Ambitious track bet 58 ___ sponte (legal term) 60 Fizzler 61 Actress Cuthbert of “24” 62 Reason for a TV-MA rating 65 Sense of humor 66 How some practical jokes go 68 Windblown soil 70 Like House elections 71 Animal shelter? 72 Pomade alternative 73 ___ a time 78 International bully 80 Actress ___ Ling of “The Crow” 81 Et ___ 82 “Long,” in Hawaii 84 Lead-in to -meter 85 Jet’s noise 87 Giving it 110%, so to speak 88 Certain N.C.O.’s 91 Targets of martial law 92 Modern locale of ancient Illyria 93 Loafers, e.g. 94 One asked to R.S.V.P. 96 Heart meas. 100 Snag 102 Fútbol cheer 103 Oklahoma city 104 In order that one might 106 Pivotal times 107 Incinerated 108 Express shock or happiness, say

































123 127





90 96




102 103 104 110

115 116










“Great Scott!” Sommer in Southern California Jazzy James or Jones “___ le roi!”



108 109







113 119
















109 112 113 115



















86 91




















41 45












116 Athos, Porthos or Aramis 120 Signs of ineloquence 122 Utterance of a finger wagger












126 127 128 129 130

previous week’s

ACROSS 1 Rides 5 Nickname for Joseph Haydn 9 Part of a girl scout’s uniform 14 Home for 22-Across 19 Needle case 20 Tender areas 21 Fix, as a hem 22 Pitcher Hideki ___ 23 Capris? 25 Dweller along the Tigris 26 Ending with sea 27 See 66-Across 28 Kind of intake 30 Domes to let in London? 32 Southern city known as the Horse Capital of the World 34 It may bring a tear to your eye 36 Squeezes (out) 37 Verizon forerunner 38 Pre-2004 purchase from G.M.? 41 “___ Only Had a Brain” 42 Cruise stops: Abbr. 43 Convention conclusion? 44 “Spaceballs” and the like 47 Sour notes? 50 “___ Poetica” 53 Accustom 54 Toy rocket company since 1958 55 Verdi aria “___ tu” 56 Fractions of acres? 59 Boston Tea Party issue 60 He wrote “None but the brave deserves the fair” 63 Towers in the high country? 64 “Flashdance” actor Michael 66 “King ___,” song premiered on 27-Across on 4/22/78 67 Month before Tishri 69 “___ Do Is Dream of You” 70 Shabby wares sold at an expo? 74 Featured singer on Eminem’s “Stan” 75 Shipwreck site 76 Org. whose functions follow forms? 77 “___ evil …” 78 Lead singer of the fictional Pussycats 79 Famous answer giver 81 HBO’s ___ G 83 What socialists campaign for? 86 Pokey 87 Unkempt types 89 First player listed in “Total Baseball” 90 Shakespearean assents 91 B and O, for presidents #43 and #44? 95 Battlefield sorting system 97 Spanish pot 98 Crucifix letters 99 Batter’s need 101 Career criminals? 105 Eastern wrap 106 Actor Robert who played the villain in “Licence to Kill” 107 Rick who sang “Never Gonna Give You Up” 110 Overly air-conditioned room, facetiously 111 Material for a biographer with a recorder? 114 Monkeys 117 Disco ___ 118 ___ Gay 119 Church gift 121 Best-looking rear ends? 123 ___-dink 124 Key key 125 Sub-sub-players

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 39

free will Rob Brezsny

a s t r o l o g y

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

French artist Claude Monet used to work outside in all kinds of weather. When I look at masterpieces like “Snow at Argenteuil” or “The Magpie, Snow Effect, Outskirts of Honfleur,” I like to imagine he was so engrossed in his work that he barely registered the bitter chill. I bet you’ll be able to achieve a similar intensity of focus. You could be so thoroughly absorbed in an act of creation that you will be virtually exempt from any discomfort or inconvenience that might be involved.

“I don’t know what I’m looking for,” sings Brendan Benson in his song, “What I’m Looking For,” “but I know that I just want to look some more.” Those words could come out of your mouth. You’re so enamored with the endless quest that you’ve lost sight of what the object of the quest is. That probably means you’re at least somewhat out of touch with the evolution of your primal desires. Check back in with the raw, throbbing source, please.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

What’s going to happen for you in the coming week will be the equivalent of the ability to see infrared light or detect ultrasonic sounds that only dogs can hear. You just may be able to figure out how people’s unspoken feelings have been covertly affecting your destiny. You will intuit lucid inklings about the probable future that will help you adjust your decisions. You might even tune in to certain secrets that your own unconscious mind has been hiding from you. CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Devilish laughter revels in chaos, says Loyola University philosophy professor John Clark. “It’s an assault on excessive order, authority and seriousness.” Angelic laughter, on the other hand, “expresses delight in the wondrousness of life and in the mystery of the order and fitness of things.” Revel equally in the devilish and the angelic varieties of laughter. Seek funny experiences that dissolve your fixations and celebrate your life’s crazy beauty. The healing that results could be spectacular. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

Last year a group of wealthy Germans asked their government to require them to pay higher taxes. “We have more money than we need,” said the 44 multimillionaires. They wanted to help alleviate the ravages of poverty and unemployment. Make a comparable move. In what part of your life do you have more abundance than most people? Are there practical ways you could express your gratitude for the extravagant blessings life has given you? I think you’ll find that raising your levels of generosity will lead to you receiving more love.

40 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

When it’s flood season, the Amazon River rises as much as 60 feet. At that time, the adjoining forests earn their name — várzea, a Portuguese word meaning “flooded forests.” The river’s fish wander far and wide, venturing into the expanded territory to eat fruit from the trees. Be like those fish: take advantage of the opportunities provided by a natural windfall. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Provocative new influences are headed your way. Meanwhile, familiar influences are about to burst with fresh offerings. It’s likely that both the faraway and nearby phenomena will arrive on the scene at around the same time and with a similar intensity. Try not to get into a situation where they will compete with or oppose each other. Allow them to complement each other. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Are you desperate for more companionship? Are you prowling around like a lusty panther, fantasizing about every candidate who’s even remotely appealing? If so, I have some advice from the poet Rumi: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Foster the search for intimate connection, identify the patterns within yourself that are interfering with it. This is good counsel even if you’re only moderately hungry for closer connection. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

If you live in the U.S., your chocolate almost certainly contains insect parts. The FDA allows manufacturers to include up to 60 bug fragments per 100 grams of chocolate. A lot of basically positive influences have a similar principle at work:

Unpalatable ingredients get mixed in, but not in such abundance that they taint the experience. You may be unusually tuned in to the unpalatable side of some good things in your life. Don’t overreact. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I went to a literary event in which young poets read their work. One poet, Shelby Hinte, began her segment by talking about what inspires her. “I like to write about women who are more interesting than me,” she said. As you slip deeper into an extra fertile phase of your cycle, adopt a similar voracity for influences that surprise, fascinate and educate you. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” said science fiction writer Arthur C. Clarke. If you were able to time-travel back to medieval England with a laptop and a

solar-powered battery charger, the natives might regard you as a wizard. You will get a vivid glimpse of amazing things you could accomplish in the future. They may seem fantastic and impossible to you. Be alert for expanded states of awareness that reveal who you could ultimately become. ARIES (March 21-April 19)

I received this email: “Dear Chosen One: I rule a small kingdom that exists in a secret place. You have won our ‘naked’ lottery. Please come claim your prizes. We will carve a statue of you out of butter and strawberry jam. Then you will be caressed as a monarch on a pile of TVs and sung songs to by our reincarnation chorus.” You may soon receive an invitation as puzzling. Hold off on accepting it until you find out more about it and make sure it doesn’t distract you from a less flashy but more practical opportunity.

SLaB photography: jWhite illustration: Gabe Vega METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 41

West Augusta French Market Grille West NOLA in the Garden City Malibu Jacks beach themed restaurant & bar


Wild Wings live music 7 nights a week




Rack & Grill true pool hall







Cue & Brew



Cadillacs cozy neighborhood spot


Hooters Hooters



Somewhere In Augusta sports bar & grill

Shannon’s old lounge / new look

Robbie’s Sports Bar true pool hall



Allie Katz good cheap drinks

Sidetrack Bar & Grill by the railroad tracks D




Country Club dance hall and saloon










Carolina Ale House sports themed restaurant feat. outdoor covered bar




Road Runner Cafe in front of Coyote’s


















South Augusta

Coyote’s great live music and DJs


Limelite Cafe extensive beer selection

Doubletree Hotel

Surrey Tavern the original neighborhood bar

Sheehan’s Irish Pub





Verandah Grill at the Partridge Inn Augusta’s best balcony



The Vue upscale dance club with occasional bands



The Hill




Crums on Central live jazz on weekends Helga’s Med student heaven

42 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11










1102 block deep restaurant & bar


Metro Coffee House coffee, beer, liquor, people Cotton Patch eat, drink, be happy

The Highlander real British pub

Tipsy McStumbles confess later



Frog Hollow Tavern upscale restaurant & bar locally sourced

Cafe 209 soul food & lounge


Tropicabana salsa no chips



Sector 7G laundromat turned landmark



Blue Horse Bistro jazz tapas

Pizza Joint 40 beers on tap and slices BR





Mellow Mushroom plus full bar

Sky City large music venue




Discoteque girls dancing nightly


Firehouse proud downtown dive

Fantasy Showgirls girls dancing nightly



Soulty Sounds jazz club

Fox’s Lair coolest basement bar in America HW


Soul Bar pure funk GO RD


Playground rock-n-roll Stillwater Taproom bluegrass before bluegrass was cool Wheels cool & on the corner

The Sportsman old school pool hall and burgers The Joker Lounge girls dancing nightly

The Loft liquor with attitude

Bar on Broad contemporary South Beach vibe

Joe’s Underground live music underneath Broad St.

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 43

Thursday, May 19 Live Music


French Market Grill West Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground Charson Malibu Jack’s Wayne Capps One Hundred Laurens Mike Frost Jazz Trio Rose Hill Stables Preston & Weston Sector 7G Signs of Hope, Hate Your Guts, Ironwill, Be Easy, Decollator Sky City Faster Pussycat, Dizzy Reed, Venrez, G City Rockers Surrey Tavern Sibling String Wild Wing Thomas Tillman Band The Willcox Four Cats in the Doghouse



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Cadillac’s Karaoke Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Candy Stripers Cabaret Club Sparx Playlist with Shannon Cocktails Lounge Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Fox’s Lair Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia HD Lounge Karaoke Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) Karaoke Pizza Joint, Evans DJ Kris Fisher

The Playground Open Mic with Brandy Shannon’s Karaoke Soul Bar Boom Box Villa Europa Karaoke with Just Ben Wheeler Tavern Karaoke Wooden Barrel ‘80s Night Karaoke

Friday, May 20 Live Music Augusta Canal Karen Gordon Cotton Patch Chadd Nichols Country Club Jason Jones Coyote’s Jeremy Graham Band Doubletree Hotel 3 Sides of Jazz French Market Grille West Doc Easton Joe’s Underground Stone Dogs Malibu Jack’s David Heath Perfect Picture One Hundred Laurens John Kolbeck The Playground False Flag, Obraski Shannon’s Preston & Weston Sky City Zach Deputy, Funk You Stillwater Tap Room Big Daddy Love Surrey Tavern The Unmentionables Wild Wing Roshambeux The Willcox Kenny George

Events Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4

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Club Sparx DJ Rana and Music Explosion Cocktails Lounge Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub Karaoke with Libby D. and Palmetto Entertainment Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill Karaoke Islands Bar & Lounge Caribbean Night with DJ Spud Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke Palmetto Tavern DJ Tim The Place on Broad Rock DJ Rebeck’s Hideaway Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe Karaoke with Steve Chappel Sky City First Friday ’80s Night Soul Bar Pop Life Tropicabana Latin Friday Wooden Barrel Karaoke Contest

Saturday, May 21 Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Blue Horse Bistro Live Music The Cotton Patch Brant Quick Country Club John Karl Coyote’s Best Damn Country Tour with Brian Davis, Chase Rice, Florida Georgia Line Joe’s Underground Ruskin Malibu Jack’s South Atlantic P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Shannon’s Live Music Sky City Eat Lightning, DJs Matto & Buzzell Surrey Tavern Tony Williams and the Blues Express Wild Wing Rockit Ride

Events Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Club Sparx DJ Wreboot House Party Cocktails Lounge Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge Reggae Night with Island Vybez The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke One Hundred Laurens DJ Kenny Ray The Playground DJ Fugi

Sky City DJ Joycette Tropicabana Salsa Saturday Wooden Barrel Kamikaze Karaoke

Sunday, May 22 Live Music Crums on Central Jim Perkins Jessye Norman Amphitheatre Candlelight Jazz w/ Three Sides of Jazz with Special Guests P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Wild Wing Matt Acosta

Events Caribbean Soul Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Peggy Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke, Salsa Dancing

Monday, May 23 Live Music Sector 7G Scale the Summit, This or the Apocalypse Soul Bar Metal Monday Surrey Tavern Dave Matthews Tribute Band

Wednesday, May 25 Live Music 209 on the River Smooth Grooves Cadillac’s Live Band Joe’s Underground Sibling String Shannon’s Preston & Weston Wild Wing The Endalls The Willcox Hal Shreck

Events Club Argos Santoni’s Satin Dolls Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Trivia Cocktails Lounge Augusta’s Got Talent The Cotton Patch Trivia and Tunes with Cliff Bennett HD Lounge Open Mic Laura’s Backyard Tavern Karaoke The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Place on Broad Jazz DJ The Playground Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern Karaoke with Tom Mitchell Somewhere In Augusta The Comedy Zone Wheeler Tavern Trivia

Upcoming Events Applebee’s (Evans) Trivia Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke HD Lounge Game Night Malibu Jack’s Team Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Somewhere In Augusta Karaoke with Charles Wild Wing Trivia and ’80s Karaoke

Tuesday, May 24 Live Music Cocktails Lounge Live Music Joe’s Underground Ruskin Sector 7G Go Radio, Sparks the Rescue, This Century, Select Start Wild Wing Sabo & Mike The Willcox Hal Shreck

Events Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Karaoke with Big Tony Fishbowl Lounge Dart League HD Lounge Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Denny

Blurring the Line, Stillview, Nine Day Descent Sky City May 26 New Familiars Stillwater Tap Room May 27 Them Bones (Alice in Chains Tribute Band) The Playground May 28 Lakes of Titan, The Good End, Awaken Sky City May 28 Minus the Bear, Skysaw, The Constellations Sky City May 30 Norma Jean, For the Fallen Dreams, After the Burial, Stray from the Path, Motionless in White Sector 7G June 1 Shine for Scott Benefit w/ Wesley Cook, The Vellotones w/ George Croft, Eryn Eubanks & the Family Fold, Publik Fax w/ Richard Smith, Grady Nickel Welfare Liners Stillwater Tap Room June 10 Josh Roberts and the Hinges Stillwater Tap Room June 17 Papa String Band Stillwater Tap Room July 8 Blair Crimmons and the Hookers Stillwater Tap Room July 15 Dave Desmelik Band Stillwater Tap Room July 22 Keith Urban James Brown Arena August 13

Lakewood, Atlanta May 20 Of Montreal, The Buckhead Theatre, Atlanta, May 20 Paul Simon Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta May 21 Panic at the Disco The Tabernacle, Atlanta May 27 James Taylor Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta May 27 Deftones The Tabernacle, Atlanta May 28 The Monkees Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 3 Miranda Lambert, Josh Kelley, Ashton Shepherd Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Alpharetta June 4 B.B. King, Buddy Guy Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta, June 5 Katy Perry Arena at Gwinnett Center, Duluth June 7 Josh Groban Arena at Gwinnett Center, Duluth June 8 Loretta Lynn Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre, Atlanta June 10 Willie Nelson CoolRay Field, Lawrenceville June 12 Mumford & Sons The Fox Theatre, Atlanta June 12 Phish Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Alpharetta June 14-15 Uriah Heep Variety Playhouse, Atlanta June 14 Adele The Tabernacle, Atlanta June 17 Jo Dee Messina The Frederick Brown Amphitheater, Peachtree City June 18 Daryl Hall & John Oates Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 19 New Kids on the Bloxk, Philips Arena, Atlanta June 22 Chris Isaak Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 22 Steve Miller Band Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 24 Skid Row Wild Bill’s, Duluth June 25 R. Kelly Philips Arena, Atlanta June 25 Dinosaur Jr. Variety Playhouse, Atlanta June 26 Florence and the Machine The Fox Theatre, Atlanta July 1 Jennifer Hudson Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta July 2

Elsewhere Flaming Lips The Tabernacle, Atlanta May 19-20 Kenny Chesney Aaron’s Amphitheatre at METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 45

earDRUM Nothing Wrong With Being a Homer No one... under any circumstances... should ever leave Augusta (and if you do, I warned you). So I’ve spent the last two weeks giving you a few examples of what I think represent the magnitude of musical talent here in Augusta. While I’ve done my best to do the artists in question a no-strings attached solid, I am quite sure that they deserve better than I can give. That’s just how good Julia Easterlin and Veara handle business. A comment on one of my Lokal Loudness posts a few months ago stated “aren’t you that a-hole who thinks everyone should stay in Augusta?” Is my homerism showing that hardcore? The answer is yes and no. Yes I think a truly inspired and talented artist can make a run at sustainable success from right here in Augusta. However, I do

believe there are benefits afforded by taking your act to the broader audiences of larger cities. I’ve always held that any artist hoping to make a dent would need to leave home and pound the road relentlessly (hats off to NoStar). Never really bought into the idea that an artist had to move their base of operations to Atlanta or Nashville to kick it up a notch. Turf War in particular may be proving me wrong... at least anecdotally speaking. Turf War moved to Atlanta some months ago. It would appear that networking they accomplished while still here in town has paid off in spades for the band (Black Lips do not a bad corner man make). Their particular brand of garage angst has endeared them to like-minded folks in the capital

city and put them on the radar as a band to watch in the ATL. I have it on good authority that their shows here in town are now better attended than before they left. That’s pretzel logic! Chad Radford from Creative Loafing recently reviewed a track by the band with this piece of wisdom. “Summer Time Booze” embraces the slow Southern garage-punk lineage that the group has become a part of since migrating to Atlanta from its hometown of Augusta.” My question is this: Weren’t they already a part of that southern garagepunk lineage before they ever left town? Did they have to move to Atlanta to become a real live band? When they formed in Augusta, were they a tree falling in the woods? Were they one hand clapping?

Can we all just give ourselves some credit? I know I’m a total homer here. I can’t help it. I fell in love with original music right here in Augusta on the rooftop of a Chinese laundry. I discovered DIY with Then They Told Stories, Inspeted by 12, The Fungoes and The Crawling Pegs. I remember when downtown Augusta was owned by pawn shops and kids trying make artistic statements through music and I remember the thrill of a Saturday night at Squeaky’s Tip Top. Those experiences inspired me to value music made at home. If that’s a crime... sowhat. God bless Turf War! See y’all at the rock show Brian Allen

Festival Time in the CSRA It’s music festival time around these here parts with the 18th Annual Blind Willie McTell Blues Festival taking place on Saturday, May 21, in Thomson with the funky jazz sounds of Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue headlining the event along with performances by Marcia Ball, Sonny Landreth, Jimmy Hall & The Prisoners of Love featuring Jack Person. Also in the mix are regional acts Crosstie Walkers and the Georgia Horns. Papa Joe’s Banjo-B-Que Bluegrass Festival returns to the North Augusta Hippodrome on Friday, May 27, and Saturday, May 28, and is packed with big name acts like Doc Watson & Dave Holt, Old Crow Medicine Show, John Popper, Chatham County Line, Bloodkin, Frontier Ruckus and also local band Sibling String. Oh yeah, they’ve got some delicious barbecue, too! The next couple of weeks at Sky City are proof that more and more top-notch touring bands are stopping in Augusta than

46 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

ever before. Faster Pussycat with special guest Dizzy Reed (of Guns N’ Roses) play on Thursday, May 19. Acoustic reggae one-man band Zach Deputy shares the good vibes on Friday, May 20. Indie-rock darlings Minus The Bear bring their prog-pop sound to town over the long Memorial Day weekend with a concert on Monday, May 30. Pretty cool, too, is the fact that opening band Skysaw features former Smashing Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlin. These kinds of shows are exactly why we opened Sky City three years ago in downtown Augusta.Thanks for the support. Noel Brown (The Cubists, Night People, Shaun Piazza Band) screened his wonderful short film “Guidestones” a few weeks ago at Augusta State University revealing the mystery and controversy surrounding the giant granite monument in Elberton, Ga. This documentary is ready made for Georgia Public Television and a tour of indie film festivals. It’s simply that good.

Dave Holt and Doc Watson

Congratulations to John Robinson and Leela Hoehn on their rock ‘n’ roll wedding this weekend at Lake Olmstead. John told me a year ago after a Turf War gig that he was planning a band move to Atlanta and that he was going

to marry Leela. Nice to see that he’s a man of his word. Make it last forever! See ya downtown, Coco

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Brittney James

Real Life Is Better (and Worse) Than TV I work in a soap opera. I live in a soap opera. An every weekend soap opera. In the bar business, and the bartending business, you see the very worst of people. I don’t know how on earth these girls can stand doing it for 10 or even 15 years. Does anyone ever stay sober? Loud, sweaty and drunk is no way to go through life. These days it seems like everyone cheats. Maybe it’s just me projecting… I’ve had to deal with a dog jumping the fence one too many times. Now I have to keep one eye on him at all times. Why not dump him? Oh, I am. Just not yet. He’s fun and I’m not finished with him.

Wow, look at that hot bartender.

Sit, boy. Stay.

This weekend I was put in the middle of one guy friend showing off his new little underage fling as his recently-made ex watched from a distance with her tribe of supporters. It’s sad to watch both of them pretend not to care who the other one is dancing with as they steal glances at each other. Wow. “Steal glances at each other?” I’m a dork. Thank god for the lake. Wind. Beer. Loud music and the beating down sun. The lake is my newfound therapy. Let’s hope it’s working.

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FIGHT! Ali Zimmerman, a 10th grader at Westminster, turned to kickboxing to rehab her ankle after hurting it playing soccer. She is shown with sparring opponent Edgar Nickson of North Augusta, who is two-time IKF junior welterweight world kickboxing champion, at Greubel’s Mixed Martial Arts.

Ali Zimmerman / Saturday, May 7 / 3:42 p.m.

Photography: jWhite

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 49

the download Matt Stone

Matt Stone can be heard weekdays from 3-7 p.m. on 95ROCK.

Kevin Smith, Ralph Garman take on Hollywood

it’s time to rock.




One of the most successful podcast networks out today is the Smodcast Podcast Network from film director Kevin Smith. Smith is best known for his cult classic film “Clerks,” and has now gone on to have a very successful career in Hollywood. Smith’s network includes seven different podcasts, and by far my favorite is Hollywood Babble-On. Hollywood Babble-On teams Smith with Los Angeles-based radio personality Ralph Garman. Garman spends his mornings on the Kevin and Bean Morning Show on the World Famous KROQ in L.A. Some TV nerds may know Garman as the host of the 2003 television show, “The Joe Schmo Show.” Besides being able to do an impression of every actor in Hollywood, to put it simply Garman is hilarious. Garman and Smith hook up each Saturday night at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club to go over the week’s celebrity headlines in front of a live audience. I had a chance to sit down with Garman and get the low down on the show, his relationship with Kevin Smith and his hatred for Chelsea Handler. Metro Spirit: How did you get hooked up with Kevin Smith? Ralph Garman: Kevin had always been a regular guest on the K & B Show, and we always hit it off with our mutual love of movies, comics and pop culture. As we became better and better friends, it became clear to me that we had a great chemistry and would make a great team. I suggested we do a radio show together, and he liked the idea, but we couldn’t convince the station management to give us a time slot. When he decided to launch his podcast network, we knew HB-O would be a good addition and it

50 METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11

really took off, almost right away. MS: What’s the best part of doing Hollywood Babble-On? RG: Working with Kev. We truly have such a great time every week. We get to spend 90 minutes, every Saturday night, just trying to make each other laugh. What a sweet gig. MS: You’re great on Kevin and Bean. What’s the biggest difference about doing the podcast, besides being able to drop the C-bomb (which he does a lot)? RG: The K & B Show is fun, but it’s their show, and I just chime in from time to time. HB-O allows me to take the lead. I get to “drive the bus,” which allows me to call the shots about content and, along with Kev, I get to control the presentation and style of the show, too. MS: You have a hilarious hatred for Chelsea Handler. Scenario: Chelsea offers you a part in her latest big-budget movie, which you play her love interest... you in? RG: No. F***ing. Way. I’m lucky enough that I don’t need the money, and I get to do plenty of stuff that satisfies me creatively, so I have the luxury of being able to pick and choose my gigs. Even if I did need the money, I’d sell an organ first before I contribute to her continued raping of all things comic. MS: Your impressions are great. Who is your favorite? RG: Wow. So hard to choose. If I had to pick one, I’d have to say Sean Connery. It’s not my best impression, by far, but I get to say the most hilariously crude, inappropriate things when I do him. Download the latest Hollywood Babble-On to get caught up on all things in entertainment and I promise you this: You will be addicted to this show.


Thursday Thomas Tillman Band Friday Night Rocks with Roshambeaux Saturday Blue Jeans Brunch 11am-3pm Rockit Ride Sunday Blue Jeans Brunch 11am-3pm Matt Acosta Washington Road just past I-20 • 706-364-WILD (9453) w w w. w i l d w i n g c a f e . c o m


Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-Talk-Sports 1630 AM. He can be reached at

Matt Lane

Matthews 2.0 After providing the area the early favorite for 2011’s Inside Railroad Job of the Year award — a category they’ve dominated for some time now — Lakeside High has found their man to fill the baseball coaching vacancy. They didn’t have to thumb through their evaporating Rolodex long to find a name familiar to the program. The last time we heard from Jay Matthews on the high-school level, he was leaving as Lakeside’s head baseball coach and moving over to Riverside Middle School. It was a move that had more to deal with the full-time commitment expected of a high school head coach than wins and losses. You can only slice the pie so many ways before you run out of it, and, as much as he enjoyed the day-today with the players, increased attention was necessary at home. “It’s an opportunity to continue to coach and work with kids, but in the same sense, you don’t have the 12-month commitment it takes for the high-school program,” said Matthews. “It’s something, when my kids get a little bit older, I may give another shot.”

You can get a formidable read on a coach by listening to what his fiercest competitors have to say about him. And at the time of Matthews’ resignation, that sample size was vast. Even the iconic Jimmie Lewis of Harlem had something to say on the prospect of Matthews not returning to coach on the high-school level. “If he don’t, it will be a travesty,” Lewis said. “He needs to be in the high-school ranks somewhere, because he’s a dang good coach.” Well there you have it. A former player and coach from the school who is wellrespected and liked by his peers as well as his competitors. An amiable guy who is finally back in a position where he can log the hours necessary of a head coach. Let me speak as a local high school baseball fan by saying good luck, but, as you know, beware. While cheers from the stands during games might sound a lot like, “Let’s go Lakeside!” or “Big bats this inning, Panthers!” You already know what you’re actually hearing is, “Tread softly or reap the booster’s club big stick, coach!”

ASU Athletics Provide Excitement Year-Round With the Jaguars baseball team making their recent push to the conference championship game, they’ve shined a light on what an impressive year it’s already been for ASU. And the success doesn’t even include what the golf team, ranked sixth nationally, has done because they play as an independent. That means they basically play the entire regular season with a huge target on their backs. But more on them in a minute. Including the Jaguars’ appearance in the Peach Belt championship baseball game, they became the fourth ASU team in 2010-11 to advance to the league’s championship game, joining men’s basketball, softball and men’s tennis. And while I have Joey Warren, ASU’s indefatigable media relations director for athletics, to thank for reminding me of that last stat, I also must pass great thanks to the members of the baseball team who gave us an endearing story whether we were ready for it or not.

ASU Golf Schedule

Note: All rounds take place at Golden Ocala Golf Club, Ocala, Fla., all day. Live scoring is available at

Thursday, May 19 — NCAA Florida Regional, First Round Friday, May 20 — NCAA Florida Regional, Second Round Saturday, May 21 — NCAA Florida Regional, Third Round

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While Ashton Kutcher should fit well into his new role on “Two and a Half Men,” Rob Lowe would have been a home run. Hey, Carlos Santana. There is a better way to go about doing things. Shut up and just play the guitar. Book Recommendation: “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand. Do it.

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Now it’s onto the NCAA Regional for Head Coach Josh Gregory and company, as they begin defending their title in Ocala, Fla., as the No. 2 seed in the threeday 54-hole regional. They must finish in the top five to advance to the NCAA Championships. Best of luck to the Jags.


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advice goddess Amy Alkon

Extreme Meekover Women always insist they’re looking for a “nice guy,” but they waste no time running past one to get to a jerk/bad boy. It really seems they’re drawn to guys who treat them badly. My most egotistical friends score with women like crazy, and I’m a nice guy who’s alone. If my experience is any indication, what women really want are domineering users who have sex with them and toss them aside. — Nice and Tired of It Dateless guys like to blame their situation on how “nice” they are. Night after night, they rock themselves to sleep, whimpering, “Am I just too wonderful to be anyone’s boyfriend?” when the question they probably should be asking is, “Why doesn’t the needy suckup get the girls?” Self-proclaimed nice guys are often snakes in worm’s clothing driven by crushing wimpiness, fear and desperation. Instead of taking the straightforward approach to hitting on a woman, the so-called nice guy offers to do a bunch of chores for her — not out of the goodness

of his wimpy little heart but to bribe her into wanting him. “Nice” versus “jerk”/”bad boy” is actually an oversimplification. NYU personality psychologist Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman has been digging into the nuances, which he laid out in his talk at an evolutionary psychology conference I attended in April at SUNY-Binghamton. Kaufman described the classic jerk as “narcissistic, selfish, thrill-seeking and chauvinistic,” noting that narcissists tend to be a bust in long-term relationships (they’re all about being admired instead of being a partner), but they’re “masters at first impressions.” He cited research that suggests a whole lot of us find narcissists highly likeable at first. They tend to dress with personal style (flashy or expensive clothing), they have self-assured body language, they come off warm and charming, and they pepper their conversation with witty remarks. But, in the research, those who initially found the narcissists charismatic, well-adjusted

©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email Also visit and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).

and fun saw their true colors upon further interaction. Regarding your contention that women want “domineering” men, Kaufman laid out research that shows they actually want men who are “assertive” as opposed to “dominant.” What’s the difference? Well, a guy who says to his date, “We’ve got to leave right now” as opposed to tying her up and throwing her in the trunk. Kaufman summed up his talk by describing the ideal man as strong without being aggressive and demanding, and sensitive without being meek, wimpy or submissive. He described this man as “the Prestigious Man,” and gave George Clooney as an example: confident, achievementoriented and extroverted while also being caring, generous and helpful. Kaufman emphasized that kindness and assertiveness aren’t mutually exclusive, and having both in one man is especially important to women. He also noted that the Prestigious Man has genuine self-esteem, based on his accomplishments.

So, the answer for you and other nice guys is… become George Clooney? No, nor should you start hitting on women with “Hi! I’d like to have sex with you and throw you away like used Kleenex!” But, think about where a guy who might say that is coming from. He’s having fun, shaking things up. He isn’t living in fear of rejection. And he doesn’t take rejection as a statement of his worth. What you need to do is borrow from the bad boy’s successful tactics; work on being more self-assured and, until you start to feel it, do your best to act self-assured. To ramp up your Prestigious Man/Clooneyness, Kaufman suggests you do something socially valuable, something to help humanity. As a bonus, if there’s one place you’re less likely to find narcissistic, self-serving jerks competing with you for the ladies, it’s the volunteer world. In time, you just might convince some cute volunteer girl to come home with you to help you put Bactine on that rash you got from tucking your tail between your legs.

METRO SPIRIT 5.19.11 53

austin R






Googling Gunshots I was going to write this week about another murder at Augusta’s 100 percent Section 8 apartment complex and crime haven River Glen Apartments. I submit the following, all words taken from Augusta Chronicle stories that appeared as I Googled “Augusta, River Glen, shot, crime.” I do this in response to a call I received from former River Glen Manager Kelli Pierson, who tells me her pleas to construct security fencing and install security cameras property wide went ignored. She resigned from the job after having a gun stuck in her face by a masked man apparently upset because she assisted lawmen who were gathering information in a double homicide last November. Owned by PK Management, the residents at River Glen better have their affairs in order and the coroner on quick dial. PK clearly has shown little interest in security. 5-30-2010: Richmond County police were called to River Glen Apartments

early Saturday after a man reported that someone shot at him. According to a report from the sheriff’s office, the 22-year-old victim said a man driving a green Chevrolet Monte Carlo with a white front bumper fired six or seven shots at him from the car shortly after midnight. The victim said he then fired six shots at the vehicle, hitting it behind the driver’s door. 3-21-2010: A 16-year-old Lucy C. Laney High School student was wounded by a stray bullet Sunday at River Glen Apartments. The teen was shot in his right thigh about 2:30 p.m., while he was walking in the courtyard by the “J” building at 201 E. Telfair St., a Richmond County sheriff’s report says. While officers were investigating, there was another report of gunfire at the apartment complex, Cochran said. A bullet entered an occupied apartment, but no one was injured.

Investigators are looking for Omar Zakaria Morris, 18, of 420 East Boundary, in connection with the second shooting. 1-29-2010: A young Augusta man who shot his best friend to death was convicted of murder Wednesday and sentenced to life in prison plus five years. The Richmond County Superior Court jury deliberated about two hours before finding Michael O. Faulks, 20, guilty of murder and a weapons violation in the Jan. 4, 2009, slaying of 22-year-old Jamar White. Assistant District Attorney Falin Rogers said Thursday there was no evidence the two friends were in any dispute before the shooting. That night, White knocked on Faulks’ River Glen apartment door; Faulks opened the door and shot White. 1-21-2010: An Augusta woman told police someone pushed their way into her home at River Glen Apartments Wednesday and shot the wall. The intruder fired one round through the living room wall with a rifle after the woman grabbed her cell phone to dial 911, according to a Richmond County Sheriff’s report. The intruder then ran from the home. 4-24-2008: Three men were arrested and a fourth — now hospitalized — could be charged in a series of shootings Tuesday night. Two of the men were arrested after an hourlong standoff at an Augusta

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apartment complex and charged with aggravated assault. Marlon Dean Brown, no age given, of the 2000 block of Blackstone Street, and Moses Mathis Jr., 27, of the 200 block of East Telfair Street, surrendered to deputies after barricading themselves inside a unit at River Glen Apartments, according to Richmond County sheriff’s Sgt. Calvin Chew. Investigators suspect one of the men shot Tashan Wayne Jacobs in the back after an argument outside Mr. Mathis’ apartment about 9 p.m., Sgt. Chew said. That shooting followed one about three hours earlier, when the victim and several other men came to Mr. Mathis’ apartment and several gunshots were fired. Last, this from a feature article on mixed-income residential complexes: 4-6-2007: In 2006, the number of police dispatches to apartment complexes that are required to rent to low- to moderate-income tenants was relatively normal and didn’t indicate a high level of crime, said Catherine Walker, the assistant director of Augusta 911 Emergency Services. However, in east Augusta, River Glen, which housing officials say is 100 percent low-income, had more than 600 police calls. The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

i’ll take it!


3061 Washington Rd. Augusta, GA 30907 • 706-860-1111 •

Metro Spirit 05.19. 2011  

The Metro Spirit is a free weekly newspaper that serves readers in the Augusta and North Augusta area. Editorial coverage includes Richmond...

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