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From the Publisher Months ago we announced the return of former music writer Andy Stokes, who was going to begin contributing a weekly music column. I think we got two out of him. Then… nothing. I didn’t notice at first, but when I did I asked Amy [Christian, arts editor/she who must be obeyed] what was up, she said he was worried he couldn’t keep up the pace or something. I’ve been meaning to reach out to him but keep forgetting. So this week we’ll test the boundaries of plagiarism (Phil Kent, seemed to work out okay for you) and rip off his FB thread. I’m not sure if this will be a weekly feature or not. We’ve hacked his voicemail and private IMs. They may be next week. Enjoy! Joe White
Surprise, surprise... Don Delillo doesn’t have a Twitter account. Can someone explain the act of putting the Monster energy drink logo somewhere on their truck? That concept seems really, really stupid. I hope there’s something I’m missing. Sleeping on the couch is for winners, that’s who it’s for.
Came THIS CLOSE to stopping and asking if the crazy antiabortion protesters downtown needed Masters tickets, how many, and which day. I’m as inspired by the movie Chariots of Fire as anyone, but come on, Usain Bolt’s grandmother could moonwalk faster than these whitebread suckas! I need a powerful elixir.
Just occurred to me I haven’t slept in like 36 hours and I feel EXCELLENT. Of all the weird s**t my doberman has unearthed/ discovered and brought back to pay tribute to his supreme overlord (me), this has got to be standing record. I think it Hey Augustans, how about those other 51 weeks of the dates back to the Paleolithic Era, which translates from Latin Congratulations to Jason Collins on becoming the all-time year, when those pathetic-looking ticket scalpers standing as “the brief chart reign of Young MC.” (photo of stainless at the base of all the exit ramps take down their “Masters gay leader in all available basketball stats. tickets needed” signs and resume selling Augusta Chronicle steel flask) newspapers? Happy 137th birthday, Barbra Streisand. You Happiest (30th!!!) birthday to one of the smartest, most SUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!! understanding and most talented people I’ve ever known. I’d rather puke coat hangers than be headed into this I love you, little brother, you’re a huge inspiration, and also I need someone to come up with a way for me to wear the s**thole for 10 hours. hugely important, to me. Sweatpants of Shame to work all week. All these spam ads on Facebook are getting (someone) “Bartending tonight, come and see me!” “Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is ridiculous(ly) (rich). - Everyone you know who bartends. Go see them. knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.” Accidentally pouring OJ over your cereal is God’s medium for --Brian O’Driscoll suggesting that maybe you shouldn’t leave the house today. Why would anyone need an extra Facebook app to remember any of their friends’ birthdays? Isn’t Facebook You know how squirrels get really indecisive and pull a triple studder-step in the half-second before meeting your The people have spoken, and for some inexplicable reason already that? Idiots. they keep wanting to bring back Crystal Pepsi. car tire? I wish cats did the same thing.
To New Residents of Augusta Cinco de Mayo may be celebrated where you come from. May not. But you live here in Augusta now and we here at the Metro Spirit want to give you the 411. (That is the information. You see, years ago when you needed to find someone’s “home” phone number, you would dial 411 and a human being would answer the phone and say “Information, may I help you?” and you would give them the person’s name. If you were lucky they would give you the correct number. If they gave you the incorrect number, you’d call back and tell them. Information would respond, “We’re sorry about that. We’ll be sure and credit your account. Here is the correct number.” Years later they would actually ask if you would like to be connected, as if by magic!
2MAY2013
Of course at the end of the month when your phone bill came you would curse 411 and their $37 in Information fees. But we digress.) Augusta was founded on the fifth of May by Javier Oglethorpe in 1735. To commemorate this historic date, we come together at Mexican restaurants and sing karaoke alongside complete strangers from Hephzibah and Harlem. We drink margaritas the size of a baby’s head and marvel at the wife beater and gold chain combinations. We yell into our cell phones and try to get the waiter’s attention five tables over. At the end of the chaos we marvel that the bastards got our check right. It’s the Augusta Way. Now get out!
AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989
METROSPIRIT
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