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Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

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whineLINE

We here at the Metro Spirit love the Whine Line as much as our readers do, but, frankly, we sometimes get sick of reading about the same old subjects week after week. There is, after all, a fine line between an intelligent and witty observation on a local or national issue and a tired rant about your personal pet peeve that nobody is interested in. Think you know the difference? The Metro Spirit guy does and he’s here to guide you on the path to finer whining. You’re welcome.

Kids, you may have finished school officially for the year but here’s a Memorial Day activity you should consider: Study the people who are being honored for their military service. Visit the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History to see and hear their project of audio recordings of WWII vets. Check your other libraries (Augusta Genealogical Society, public libraries and academic libraries) as well for their recordings and books about these wonderful men and women and their services.

up THUMBS

The anti-meth ad campaign is great. We also need to address people who drive booming cars. There is usually something wrong with these people because they should know that they are disturbing decent people. Maybe if the police pulled over more booming cars they would catch more people selling and doing meth! Rap culture is a disease to our kids and to this city. Pass laws to pull up pants and to stop the loud music, and maybe the city can start cleaning up.

To David Vantrease for starting this paper and having the business acumen to make it succeed despite very long odds. To everyone who has worked at the Metro Spirit over the past 22 years, the hundreds of local Augustan’s who have supported the paper with their advertising dollars, the readers who have supported the advertisers, the Metro Spirit Carrier Team (Joe, Johnny, Ken, Ken and Terry) and all our friends in the media, especially the employees of Beasley Broadcasting (Kent Dunn-a special thanks to you. It was fun...)

by: Tom Tomorrow

I saw a 16-year-old with a dirty tank top, sagging jeans and gold teeth in his mouth. I guess he has decided he’s gone as far as he needs to in life.

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whineLINE I want to whine about fat people in the grocery stores and Walmarts who use those scooters. My husband has a true disability and cannot walk for extended periods, but the fat people always hog the scooters provided in the stores. Being fat is a choice, not a disability. Y’all need to get up off your lazy behinds and walk anyway to lose some of that weight and stop stuffing yourself at the buffets. I am annoyed by people who spend several minutes driving around a parking lot looking for a spot up front. You people are lazy and disgust me! Thank you Richmond County Sheriff ’s Department for ticketing people in fire lanes outside grocery stores. I’m tired of walking around these cars just to get into the store. I am amazed at the amount of people in Augusta that leave the shopping carts next to their cars, blocking another parking spot. Don’t be afraid to walk the extra 15 feet to the cart station, or take it back inside. Your big butts could use the exercise.

I saw Bigfoot walking down Gordon Highway wearing green and white Converse weapons with fat shoelaces, carrying a canned ham under one arm and a space heater under the other singing “Ain’t No Half Steppin” wearing a “Single and Loving It” T-shirt with your mom. My father once told my mother that she was going to hell because she did not believe in creationism. Then he left her for a go-go dancer and never paid child support.

by: Tom Tomorrow

Ahhhh... it’s Saturday night. Time to put on a skirt that doesn’t fit, some heels I can’t walk in and see what’s going on downtown.

6 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

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INSI ER INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

Courthouse chaos Many admire the bravado shown by Richmond County State Court Judge David Watkins in his ultimatums and outrage over the lack of respect shown towards the fact that the new courthouse and law center will bear the name of local legal pioneer Judge Jack Ruffin. It’s refreshing to see an elected official (and a judge, no less) aim criticism in the direction of both City Administrator Fred Russell and Facilities Manager Rick Acree over the lack of planning and organization on how Ruffin’s name would be displayed on site. Watkins refused to

move his court and offices in until the situation was “corrected.” Misdirected “righteous indignation” perhaps, but, hey, why keep score? Watkins is quoted in an Augusta Chronicle report by Sandy Hodson with the following interrogatory: “How do you name a building for someone and not even put his name on it?” Good question. Maybe the judge should look out his window at the city’s largest facility to get an idea how that is done. It’s called the James Brown Arena and the name is reflected not in huge letters on the side of the building, but on a brass

plaque at the front of the campus and, of course, on the sign in front of the main entrance. Hodson also points out that the recently named waterworks and jail facilities (named for the still-living Max Hicks and Charles Webster, respectively), just have signs to tell people what buildings they’re entering. If Judge Watkins really wanted to let the threats and invective fly, maybe he should get Chief Superior Court Judge Carlisle Overstreet in a small room and shut the door for a minute or two. It was Overstreet who reportedly worked hard behind the scenes to thwart the vote to name the courthouse in Ruffin’s honor in the first place. The man didn’t have the guts to take such a stand publicly; instead, he privately pushed commissioners to vote against the action. Talk about irony! Overstreet’s entire judicial career is owed to the black voters and Democratic Party officials who championed him years ago over conservative Republican (and incumbent DA at the time) Mike Eubanks. (If that same election were held today, Overstreet would likely get creamed in a landslide.)

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Judge Watkins, if you ever have the desire to jump on Judge Overstreet the way you did poor old Fred Russell, announce it ahead of time. They might sell enough tickets to put James Brown’s name on the side of the Civic Center in the same size letters Judge Ruffin will soon get.

Media moves Insiders say station management at gospel radio station WKZK pulled the plug on radio talk show veteran Helen Blocker-Adams. She was last heard on the air April 8. BlockerAdams is taking the move in stride and has hopes to be back on the air at some point. WKZK owners say it was a business decision. Monitor Helen’s Facebook page for further updates. Also, word is that WGAC news reporter Scott Hudson is soon leaving his on-air duties to open a retail establishment with his brother, and reportedly has a few literary projects in the works. Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

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Whining in Dining

Eric Johnson

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Ad Out At the commission meeting that officially accomplished AugustaRichmond County’s governmental reorganization (6-4, no surprises), Mayor Deke Copenhaver’s quick pace twice caught commissioners in procedural no man’s land, first by moving on before Bill Lockett and J.R. Hatney had totally had their say about the reorganization, and later by preventing Mayor Pro Tem Joe Bowles from receiving clarification about a vote to approve the Aviation Commission’s approval of a bid for the new FBO terminal at Bush Field. “Mr. Bowles, I’m sorry I called for

The courts, which have been locked and out of commission for about a year, were built in 1990, and though the county has several older courts still in operation, the foundation cracks in the ones at Brigham Park necessitated an $85,000 reconstruction rather than a $3,000-$4,000 resurfacing. “It’s not like you’re going to walk out there and you’re going to fall into a cavern,” said Recreation Director Tom Beck. “You just can’t play tennis on them. If you tried to play tennis and tripped and fell and we were allowing you out there, then we’d be

to go through committee, and we certainly understand why he would do that, but we wanted to put it on there to speed the project up.” The next committee meeting wouldn’t have been until April 11, meaning the commission wouldn’t have been able to give its approval until April 19. Brigham, however, seemed more concerned about sending a message to those trying to stall the reorganization. Earlier, Lockett had argued the reorganization was other-thanordinary business necessitating a two-thirds majority, and he and

“Obviously, [Brigham] preferred it to go through committee, and we certainly understand why he would do that, but we wanted to put it on there to speed the project up.” the vote quickly, but I did already call for the vote,” Copenhaver said, refusing to allow Airport Director Gary LeTellier to elaborate as Bowles had requested. “Well, start looking down this way,” Bowles replied testily. Nothing, however, slows a meeting down quicker than a substitute motion, so when Jerry Brigham irritably made one to send a bid to resurface two structurally unsound tennis courts in District 5 back to committee, everything briefly screeched to a stop.

negligent, and there’s some pretty good sized cracks out there.” Repairs will be funded by a Community Development Block Grant and surplus SPLOST V funds. Beck admitted the project, which was placed on the debate agenda, had not gone through committee. “We had just gotten all the bid information in and just missed the deadline for committee, so we requested it to go on the full commission agenda,” Beck said. “Obviously, [Brigham] preferred it

Alvin Mason had complained about not receiving information from Administrator Fred Russell regarding its cost savings. “We are dragging our feet every step of the way,” Brigham grumbled after the meeting. “We drag our feet and we make everybody stumble. We’re dragging our feet on everything, and I’m tired of it.” Ultimately, Brigham’s substitute motion succeeded only in slowing the meeting down. The courts passed 8-2 and should be ready by early July.

Plugging In

Columbia County works to untangle a switchboard-era law

For over three decades, state law has directed that special taxes applied to phone service be used for the construction and operation of 911 call centers. But because technology has been allowed to outpace the intention of the law, 911 centers have been unable to fund necessary upgrades, costing counties millions and leaving their citizens vulnerable. “The law was written in the ’70s, allowing governments to build 911 centers,” says Deputy Administrator metrospirit.com

Scott Johnson, Columbia County’s legislative liaison. “The law was pretty restrictive on the use of the money. Basically, the money had to be used within the four walls of the 911 center.” Staying within the four walls of the call center means you could put up the building, put in furniture and pay the salaries of the people who worked there, but you couldn’t purchase anything, even components of existing systems, that would be used outside.

In Columbia County, the shortsightedness of the law became apparent when Sheriff Clay Whittle wanted to upgrade his 911 radio system. “One of the things Columbia County was interested in was expanding the use of 911 to specifically include towers if we needed to put up equipment on a tower for the 911 signal to bounce off of,” Johnson says. Given the grant awarded to the county last year, the time seemed

Recently elected Columbia County Republican Party Chairman Brian Slowinski’s attempt to turn the implausibly partisan run-off for the District 4 commission seat into a commanding display of party unity failed spectacularly at the Columbia County Chamber of Commerce’s candidate forum, held among the many dinettes at Grovetown Furniture. The fact that the run-off was partisan at all was already a bit of an embarrassment for the local GOP, since neither of the other three Republicans in the March 15 special election to win the seat resigned by Scott Dean were able to generate more votes than Democrat Vernon Thomas, a 72-year-old painter who played two seasons in the Negro League before having his career cut short by tuberculosis in 1958. Despite Columbia County’s overwhelmingly Republican voter base, Thomas received 28.3 percent of the vote, finishing behind only former assistant school superintendent Bill Morris, who, if not the smartest man in the room, certainly worked hard to come across as the most studious. With such a dapper, front-ofthe-classroom kind of guy fielding questions for the home team, Slowinski had to be feeling good about the odds of making good on his earlier vow of not having a Democrat elected while he was in charge, not to mention his bridgebuilding skills, which he said were key to his role as party chairman. But no matter how nice a table you put it on — and there were plenty of nice tables there at Grovetown Furniture, located next door to the Grovetown Motorcycle Exchange and just down the street from the Jack of Many Trades repair shop — a sack of cats is still a sack of cats, and imposing solidarity on such a quarrelsome bunch proved illusive for Slowinski, a stay-at-home father whose six kids watched the show fanned out around a fittingly large supper table.

METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 9


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WEIRD A 200-exhibit installation on the history of dirt and filth and their importance in our lives opened in a London gallery in March, featuring the ordinary (dust), the educational (a video tribute to New York’s Fresh Kills landfill, at one time the world’s largest), the medical (vials of historic, nastylooking secretions from cholera victims) and the artistic (bricks fashioned from feces gathered by India’s Dalits, who hand-clean latrines). Dirt may worry us as a society, said the exhibit’s curator, but we have learned that we “need bits of it and, guiltily, secretly, we are sometimes drawn to it.” News that sounds like a joke

The manager of the Channel Islands co-operative store in the British territory of Jersey acknowledged to BBC News in November that a shopper’s complaint was justified and that refunds would be made. The customer believed she had been overcharged by about five pounds (about $8) because, while weighing fruits and vegetables, the clerk had been leaning over so that her breasts accidentally increased pressure on the scale. Britain’s Border Agency announced the firing of an immigration officer in January. The man had apparently turned sour on his marriage and, while his wife was on holiday with her family in Pakistan, he quietly added her name to the terrorist list of people not allowed into the country. Police blotter

Timothy James Chapek, 24, was charged with burglary in March after he broke into a house in Portland, Ore., and took a shower. Unknown to him, the resident was in another part of the house and came, with his two German shepherds and a gun, to confront Chapek through the closed bathroom door while calling 911. Fearing the dogs and the gun, Chapek simultaneously

dialed 911 himself, begging that officers come quickly and arrest him. (Chapek, later released on bond, was re-arrested two days later in Chehalis, Wash., while, according to police, loading shoplifted goods into a stolen car.) Great art!

In February, a New York City gallery began offering classes in “anthropomorphic taxidermy,” described as a “Victorian hobby” in which mouse carcasses are not only meticulously cleaned and stuffed, but outfitted in handmade miniature 19th-century clothing, such as bloomers. British practitioners are said to have created elaborate scenes featuring scores of the costumed bodies. Class instructor Susan Jeiven said the mice have to look “classy.” “I don’t like rogue taxidermy.” Least competent criminals

Not ready for prime time: Jason Davis was sentenced in December in Burlington, Iowa, to five years in prison for one crime, but still pending is his August 2010 arrest for shoplifting at Westland Mall, which ended with Davis passed out after making a crime-scene boo-boo in his pants. The weirdo-American community

Salt Lake County (Utah) corrections officer Robert Monson, 38, was charged in December with having sex with a female he had met while she was in lockup. According to the woman, the couple’s trysts were not impeded by her ankle monitor, which Monson insisted was “sexy.” (In fact, shortly after the monitor was removed, the relationship ended.) A 50-year-old man was charged with indecent exposure near Yakima, Wash., in March when he jumped in front of a woman, genitals exposed, but otherwise dressed in a diver’s wet suit, mask and bright orange gloves. metrospirit.com


perfect for the upgrade. Attaching their communication equipment to the five new towers the county is putting up as part of the $13.5 million broadband infrastructure grant would give the 911 system full county coverage with the built-in redundancy offered by the 200 miles of fiber optic cable. Two additional towers will be funded by SPLOST money, and according to Broadband Manager Lewis Foster, the entire broadband system should be operational by April, 2012. Because of the 30-year-old law, however, such uses would not be approved. Basically, they could buy the radio, but they wouldn’t be able to use it. Not only that, but because they aren’t able to spend the money they’ve already collected, they are in danger of accumulating too much of a fund balance, which could end up costing them in the long run. “The law was pretty clear that if you go above a certain amount, you may have to reduce your 911 fees,” Johnson says. It’s one of those governmental knots that’s nearly impossible to untie — the state gives you money, but because they won’t let you spend it the way you need to, they can end up taking it away. So Columbia County partnered with Cobb and Gwinnett counties, who also had 911 fund balances, and sponsored legislation to change the law. “The whole thing was to further the legislative intent of 911,” Johnson says. Cue Johnson, who contacted Representative Ben Harbin to carry the legislation. A separate bill, HB 256, which would redirect money from prepaid phone cards to go to the 911

In the Crosshairs

fund instead of the general fund, was also supported by Columbia County. That bill would generate approximately $8-$9 million statewide. The county’s 911 center, located near the Sheriff ’s Office on County Camp Road in Appling, is housed inside a nondescript brick structure beside the 280-bed Detention Center. It’s the kind of functionallooking building you expect to be full of long hallways and tiny offices, which makes the quiet urgency of the open call center even more startling. The call center itself is laid out in a kind of open circle, with operators monitoring their stations looking out from within a spacious shared middle. Each work station has several monitors, each glowing with specific information. Mounted high above them, large screens are tuned in to different news channels. “We’re kind of unique in that a lot of call centers have EMS, fire and police,” says Lt. Andy Shedd, the communication center’s supervisor. “We are strictly law enforcement.” Fire and EMS calls that come in are transfered to the appropriate agency with one-touch efficiency. Shedd says call volume predictably peaks along with school activity and the rush hour, where officers have a higher viability and more traffic is moving through the area. Evenings are especially taxing, Shedd says, in part because some of that heavy traffic includes people who are discovering break ins. Last year, the call center handled more than 513,000 total calls, ranging from typical emergency calls to non-emergency calls that cover everything from a cat up a tree to reports of robbery, rape and murder. The 911 center is also actively connected to the state and national

crime information centers, where information is inputted into jurisdictional databases that give street-level officers immediate access to a variety of different information. “It will tell me if you’re valid or suspended,” Shedd says. “Also, it will tell me whether or not you’re wanted, either locally or nationally.” It also gives officers extradition information, something that is becoming more important as governments continue tightening their belts. Recently, Shedd says, an officer made a traffic stop, ran the license and discovered the driver was wanted in the Atlanta area. “But they only had a 50-mile radius extradition on him and we were more than 50 miles out,” Shedd says. “So we let him go. Though he had misdemeanor warrants on him, we let him go.” In matters like that, it comes down to cost. Without extradition, the county would have been responsible for feeding and housing a prisoner no one was ever going to claim. While the law change would not necessarily alter the way the Sheriff ’s Office conducts its business, the new radio system would greatly increase efficiency and allow interoperability with any other county agencies that might want to sign on. “It would put us where we need to be,”Shedd says of the radio system. “As of right now, we’ve got an older VHF system with some flaws, and this would hopefully bring us into the 21st century in terms of radio communication from a law enforcement standpoint.” According to Johnson, the system, which would also require extensive training for everyone all the way down to the street-level officer, could cost between $5-8 million.

Ron Cross talks about Scott Dean, District 4 and why it’s so easy to pick on Columbia County its anticipated run-off, whittling the Chairman Ron Cross is sitting in “The majority of the calls I had field down to Bill Morris and Vernon his second-floor office in Building were from people wanting to vote for Thomas, the voting turned out to B of the Columbia County someone other than Joey [Brush],” Government Center talking about he says. “I probably had a dozen calls be consistent with what Cross was hearing, with former state legislator the special election to fill the District over a three-week period — people Brush receiving 380 votes and Payne, 4 commission seat, a race that started who said they didn’t know about the who lost twice before to Scott Dean, out last February as a five-way affair others but knew they didn’t want to receiving 225 votes. Only political that left many voters searching for vote for Joey and they didn’t want to newcomer Eric Crawford received guidance and more than a few asking vote for David Payne.” some indelicate questions. Though the special election went to fewer votes, with 51.

metrospirit.com

While Morris was making sure everyone knew he’d “done his homework” on issue after issue, third place finisher Joey Brush had a hard time matching the respectful silence exhibited by the other members of the audience, some of whom had spilled over into the easy chairs and ottomans. Playing class clown to Morris’ good student, he drummed his fingers on the table, repeatedly sighed, then finally earned a few sniggers with his muttered critiques of Morris and criticisms of Chairman Ron Cross, who wasn’t in attendance. So much for the united front. And if that weren’t enough, seconds after the meeting officially concluded, David Payne, the gruff and perpetually indignant fourth place finisher, explosively broke ranks with his party by loudly announcing his endorsement of the Democrat, Thomas. “He knows this district better than anyone here,” Payne proclaimed to the dispersing crowd, many of whom had already turned their attention toward finding the best route back to the coffee pot. Moments later, a frustrated Slowinski cornered Brush and Payne near a tall breakfast table and attempted to usher them into the quiet safety of the sectional sofas. He couldn’t do it, however, before Payne complained about the party’s lack of support and Brush made it clear that, given the opportunity to vote for a bureaucrat or a Democrat, he’d take the Democrat. Apparently Slowinski forgot the old adage about everything coming out at the supper table. “Of course, you’ve got to understand Joey,” Cross continues. “He’s up there throwing names like he’s going to walk into Vance Smith’s office at DOT and demand money and if he doesn’t get it there he’s going somewhere else. Well, that ship has sailed.” As he talks, his computer dings, indicating he’s just received an email, but he resists the urge to glance at the screen. He seems more interested in talking about the special election, which was, in a perverse way, District 4’s opportunity to shine and join the rest of the county. While Columbia County is

METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 11


generally thought of as suburban Augusta, insulated and self-satisfied, the subdivisions and the busy strips of supporting commerce don’t tell the whole story. West of Riverwood and south of I-20 is decidedly rural, often scruffy and historically unhappy with the attention it receives from the commission. But rather than moving toward the rest of the county, the district, which includes Harlem and Grovetown and quite a few unpaved roads, gave up more of the same gripes and grumbles that have always frustrated Cross. “The rhetoric in this campaign, to me, was the most ignorant of any I have ever heard,” he says flatly. Most annoying to him seemed to be the accusation that District 4 isn’t getting its fair share of Columbia County’s legendary bounty. “We went back and checked,” he says. “Of the current SPLOST money we have for transportation, 47 percent is going to District 4.” According to Construction and Maintenance Director Matt Schlachter, that amounts to just under $10 million in transportation projects spent during the last four years, compared to $4 million in District 1, $1.3 million in District 2 and $7.7 million in District 3. In addition, Cross says the district has over $5 million in water and sewer projects lined up. “You just sit back and wonder where these people are coming from with their information, and you hope the public is at least aware enough to know that most of what they’re talking about is not true or is not going to happen.” So, then. What is it about District 4? At this, Cross shifts his weight in his chair and cracks an uncomfortable joke about putting him on the hot seat. “Well, you’ve just got to be careful what you say in that, because I

represent District 4, too,” he says. Clearly, there is some distance between what he wants to say and what he’ll allow himself to say and, before he finally speaks, he waves off a couple options like a seasoned catcher reining in a reckless pitcher. “It’s a typical scenario,” he starts off, adopting the voice of a rural resident. “‘I want to be out on my own and I don’t want to pay much for it.’ And then you get out there and you see the problems with the septic tank and the problems with the well, and over a period of time you say, ‘Why doesn’t the county give us water and sewer like everybody else?’” What they don’t take into consideration, he says, is the fact that the guy in Riverwood or Jones Creek is paying four times the price of a lot because it’s got those features. “It’s just human nature, I think, to try to get the best deal you can and then try to get whatever you can get added to it.” Overall, he says, it’s part of that fundamental human tendency to resent success. “Any time you’re successful — and you can see it in the history of the New York Yankees, you see it in the Packers and you see it in Duke basketball — sooner or later you get to be some kind of villain.” Though he’s speaking about Columbia County, he could easily be talking about himself. While Cross has had his share of public criticism, especially during last year’s bare-knuckle primary against Brett McGuire (McGuire’s announcement was attended by a veritable Who’s Who of the local Republican Party), much of the anti-Cross conversation occurs at the fringe, like the attacks by the Columbia County Taxpayers’ Council, whose website and newspaper ads frequently accuse Cross of deceptive budgeting and

12 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

political favoritism. “What he does with your money may be fraudulent,” one of the teases warns. Another, posted prior to his reelection, demands his trial for the $57 million claim of the Marshall family. The $57 million lawsuit against the county by the developers of Marshall Square was settled last year when the county agreed to purchase the 26-acre residential section of the development for $6.2 million. And then there are the rumors. They usually go something like this: “You’ve heard the one about Cross and Sleeper, right? The one about how they got into a fight on the front

lawn on Christmas Day?” This one has been circulating for quite awhile now, and the destructive implications are not lost on him. Mike Sleeper is married to his daughter and also happens to be a school board member. However, the Christmas Day Cross describes is far less dramatic than the one in the rumor and much more like ones experienced by the rest of us, with too much to eat, too much to drink and too many presents to open. “It’s been that way for 10 or 12 years now,” he says. “But the next thing I know, I’ve got a former commissioner coming in here saying he wants to know if I got

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in a fight on Christmas Day with my son-in-law over the way he was treating my daughter.” The former commissioner also passed on the fact that the person who told him said there was video. “I said, ‘You tell him to take it to Channel 6 or any damn where he wants and show it,’” Cross says. “Well, nothing came out of that.” The latest, he says, is that he’s under investigation by the FBI. “You’ve heard that one, right?” That rumor’s out there, too, and while the rumor mill will undoubtedly continue to churn because that’s what rumor mills do, the more public aspect of the criticism might be turning a touch more civil. At a recent meeting of the Columbia County Republican Party’s executive committee, newly elected Chairman Brian Slowinski invited Cross to sit in as he laid down the law on the executive committee. “In public events you will be respectful of other Republican party candidates — you might disagree with him and you can talk about your disagreement when it comes to

issues, but publicly your name should not be out or used as a Republican Party official,” Slowinski says. “That was the edict I put down.” How did that go over? “Everybody was very quiet,” Slowinski says with a bit of a smile. Of the 22-member executive committee, several are Cross critics, including Jim Bartley, the force behind the Columbia County Taxpayers’ Council. Like most of the commissioners, Cross has kept a respectful distance from party drama, especially since the 2009 rift over the county’s hiring of Oglethorpe Public Affairs to assist the legislative delegation in Atlanta, a move that was unpopular with the executive committee and resulted in the ouster, reinstatement and eventual resignation of party Chairman Lawrence Hammond in early 2010. Recently, the commission voted to renew the contract with Oglethorpe, and while Pat Goodwin, who followed Hammond as party chair, was able to stop some of the bleeding, the wounds have never totally healed.

Mack Taylor

The first true test of Slowinski’s skills as a referee will come at April’s monthly party breakfast, the first he’s organized, which will feature Cross as guest speaker. Though the large and unfortunate shadow of Scott Dean threatened to eclipse the commission and to engulf Cross himself — Cross announced his reelection campaign jointly with Dean and says he was frequently pressured to cut ties with the younger commissioner as his scandal continued to mushroom — Cross remained firmly quiet. Dean, who was never known for waving off reckless pitches, did not make that decision easy. “The first little incident was one of those ‘what the hell were you thinking, how could you be so stupid’ things,” Cross says. “But you could recover from it and be done with it, one way or another. “The other situation is one of those that’s frightening, that you don’t want anyone to have to face, and you hope deep down that it’s not true and that he and his family can survive this,” he says. “But you just don’t know and you have to stay out

of the way.” Staying out of the way has drawn considerable criticism from the public, who wanted some kind of action from the commission. Cross, however, insists that a reaction to the texting was forthcoming, but says the molestation charges arrived first. In spite of the sordidness of the molestation charges and the myriad questions surrounding them, Cross continues to take a wait-and-see approach, and while he maintains that Dean was a good mayor and commissioner, he admits that in many ways he was his own worst enemy. “He, like a lot in that age group, was a little immature,” he says. “He did some things that you wouldn’t have thought a person in his position would do.” Given the severity of the charges against him, that’s not what many of his constituents want to hear from Cross. But for the time being, that’s what they’re going to get. The catcher in him seems unlikely to allow a careless pitch this late in the game.

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MA XIM Levels of Attainment

At an event celebrated for its tradition, it’s not always easy to break new ground

It’s 8:45 on Masters Friday night and Robert Tuchman is sitting at a folding table in the parking lot of the Country Club, squinting at his laptop. Behind him, two black Lamborghinis are parked nose to nose, and, further back, against the brightly-lit media wall brandishing the names of the evening’s sponsors, four pretty girls in khaki shorts and very tight Maxim T-shirts pose for a couple of photographers killing

offering tickets for $550 a pop, $4,000 for a five-person table. By 3 p.m. on Friday he was taking $450, which might account for the stress. Maxim Party tickets at the Super Bowl typically increase in value the closer you get to the event. When he finally looks up from his computer screen, it takes his eyes a moment to adjust. He’s polite, but distracted. Though he says he’s happy with how things have gone and praises Augusta for coming

time until the big guns arrive and an enterprising guy with a camera phone who wandered over from Hooters. Though it’s Maxim’s party — the first Maxim party outside of the Super Bowl — in many ways this is Tuchman’s baby, and he’s looking stressed. It was his idea to export Maxim’s legendary Super Bowl Party to Augusta, and for the last month he’s worked pretty much nonstop to make sure tickets to the event got into the right hands. If you sent an email to maxim@ golftours.com looking for ticket information, you got a reply from Tuchman’s Blackberry. On Masters Tuesday, he was

through for him, he can’t keep his eyes off the computer and eventually he stops trying. All in all, it’s a little ominous. If you have to squint that hard at the numbers, they’re probably not what you thought they’d be. And besides that, he’s inadvertently set himself up at the VIP check-in table and no one has shooed him away. The Maxim Party tees off in 15 minutes, and no one is here but the girls. Tuchman’s relationship with the Masters goes back to his days in corporate hospitality. In 1996 he founded TSE Sports and Entertainment. He sold it in 2006

14 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

to Premiere Global Sports, and while he continued to work for the company, he also began branching out on his own. In 2009 he wrote “The 100 Sporting Events You Must See Live,” a kind of Bucket List for sports enthusiasts. He also wrote a book about the entrepreneurial spirit and did some on-air work for Spike TV. Clearly, he knows sporting events, the guys who attend sporting events and the people who put on the events surrounding the sporting events. And because of all that, he loves Augusta this time of year. It’s no fluke he ranked the Masters as the number one must-see sporting event, ahead of the Super Bowl, the World Series and even the World Cup. Seldom do you get such a concentration of young men with money, which makes it the perfect place to hold a Maxim party. “I wasn’t really planning on getting back involved in this kind of stuff, but I always thought a party at the Masters would work really well,” he said by phone a week before the event. Now president of Skylight Entertainment, he is helping Maxim expand the Super Bowl party by starting here in Augusta. As much as he always thought a party would work at the Masters, he knew it had to be the right party, and he’s walked away from several opportunities in the past. “You couldn’t just create a Green Jacket Party,” he said. “You really needed to have a brand.” Thanks to a friend who moved into a position at Maxim, considered by many to be the premier magazine for young men, he was able to start talking with the brand that made the most sense to him. “I just realized the hardest ticket to get at the Super Bowl was the Maxim ticket,” he said. “I was just really shocked at what Maxim meant to the Super Bowl and what these parties had come to, and I really felt there was an opportunity at a few different events for Maxim to repeat that.” And if this works, he says the Masters experience might never be the same. “I know all the guys who plan these events,” he said. “They’re all watching to see if this thing works, and, if it does, I can guarantee there

will be copycats. Ninety-five percent of the people at the Masters are guys who have nothing to do but go to dinner, go to their houses, smoke cigars and drink whiskey. Why wouldn’t they want a Maxim party?” And when they go to the next big sporting event, why wouldn’t they want one there, too? Neither Tuchman or Maxim are ready to elaborate on just what those events might be beyond the Masters and May’s Kentucky Derby, but Maxim’s Chief Revenue Officer Ben Madden said before the party that events have been one of the fastest growing parts of Maxim’s highly diversified media offerings. “When we look at everything around the brand, especially in today’s world, you have to make sure your editorial product is talking to your audience all the time, whether it’s print, digital, video or social media,” he said. “What we have that a lot of traditional media brands don’t have — we have the ability to bring our brand to life in a very special way, and we see this party as a key component of it. This is just another platform for us to activate the brand.” Maxim came to the United States from the United Kingdom in the late ’90s and has steadily grown in stature by doing less than the competition. Less fashion than GQ. Less journalism than Esquire. Less skin than Playboy. In an age of shameless excess, Maxim has managed to take all that less and turn it into a goldmine of more. It is to many of today’s daydreaming young men what Playboy was to the daydreaming young men of the ’50s and ’60s, and nowhere is that more evident than with the Maxim Super Bowl parties, which have become a kind of Playboy Mansion for the new millennium. This Super Bowl, tickets to the Maxim party were going for more than Super Bowl tickets themselves, and Tuchman and Madden are banking that the Masters can deliver in the same way. “Of course, this is Augusta,” Tuchman said, playing devil’s advocate with himself. “People are used to doing what they do. But if this doesn’t work right now, no one’s going to be able to put a party metrospirit.com


together at the Masters.” By 10:15, the two photographers hanging around outside have been joined by a couple more, but mostly the pictures they’ve taken have been of the girls who have have continued to arrive. It’s really more of a courtesy to the girls, who look a little surprised at where they’ve ended up. According to Maxim, 250 of them have been bussed in from casting calls around the area, including Atlanta and Athens, and they’re all young, dressed to kill and obviously aching to be seen. A few of them are experimenting with heels a little higher than they’re used to, and every now and then one of them tugs awkwardly at their spandex dress. But all of them know how to take a picture, even if the audience is pretty much confined to the photographers, the security guard and a couple of redneck onlookers. Word trickled down at 10 p.m. that someone notable would be arriving at 10:30, but by then the photographers had pretty much moved beyond the event. One guy, a freelancer from Atlanta whose main

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assignment is “to get a photo of Tiger and his girlfriend,” dismisses the news, but hangs around anyway, entertaining himself by trying to get a shot of the dolled-up girls in the foreground and a redneck couple in the back. Suddenly, the public relations director starts arranging girls around two self-possessed men in blazers, and for a moment the photographers come alive. Everyone smiles, the shutters click away and then the men, who are identified as being part of the Maxim board, follow the girls inside. Later, they are reidentified as being attached to one of the sponsors, but by this time the photographers are back talking about cameras and complaining about how hack photographers are ruining the industry for professionals like themselves. It’s not that people haven’t arrived. By now, DJ Ross One has started doing his thing and the party is definitely underway, but it all just feels so... ordinary. At least as ordinary as a party can feel with 250 bussed-in girls, a couple of high-dollar sports cars and a media

wall. But the electricity, that LA vibe everyone was expecting, just isn’t here. None of that seems to bother Ben Madden, though. Looking casual and relaxed in an untucked blue shirt, the self-described “40-year-old bald guy” comes out, poses with some girls and looks pleased with himself. While he acknowledges some elements of the evening could be improved upon, he refuses to see the glass as half empty, especially when the evening is still relatively young and the tap is still flowing with girls. “Where the girls go, the guys will follow,” he says confidently, “whether it’s a Maxim Party or a party you want to throw at your house.” He does admit to a certain hastiness about the event — the entire party was planned and executed in about a month — but he doesn’t dwell on it. “Usually, in the VIP ticket sales market, there’s a six-month planning time, because corporate planners and sponsors are planning that far in advance,” he says. “We certainly missed that window, but it hasn’t

seemed to be a problem.” Like Tuchman, he knows an entire industry is watching to see whether or not the party is successful, but he doesn’t look worried that they might have tried to do too much in too little time just to be first off the tee. “We’re in the media business, and you have to be flexible,” he says with a smile. “You can change direction in content delivery platforms overnight, so we’re certainly used to being flexible.” Though he won’t divulge the final ticket sales, he’s remaining committed to the party idea because, ultimately, the numbers just add up. “There are guys renting mansions within 20 miles of here,” he says. “They are paying a lot of money to rent those mansions. It’s 10 on a Friday night and they’ve done their client dinner — why wouldn’t they want to come to a Maxim party?” The fact that he had to fly into Thomson, he says, proves his point. If all those private jets are here, the audience is here. And then he starts talking about aspiration, and when he does that, you get the feeling he might be

METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 15


measuring success with a different ruler than rest of us. These parties, he says, aren’t necessarily about the young male experience. “There’s an aspirational component,” he explains, pointing at the cars. “Not too many guys who are Maxim readers can afford a Lamborghini, but it’s an aspirational component. Just like we’ve got 250 beautiful women in there. That’s an aspirational component for a lot of guys.” Earlier in the day, Corporate Event Director Amanda Civitello said pretty much the same thing

Country Club. And in case you didn’t recognize the difference, there was a temporary sign above the door

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in the Omni Plaza/Evans By 12:30, the Maxim Country Club is in a frenzy of winding featuring Great Pizza & The Best Calzones Ever!! down. The celebrity list peaked low, DINE-IN • DELIVERY • PICK-UP with former American Idol Taylor gluten free Hicks, and now all that buzz about garden fresh fresh baked big fat pizza celebrities is nothing but a memory. salads pastas sandwiches salads wings The go-go dancers in their white knee socks and their little hole-inone fetish dresses are still onstage, coupon expires 4-30 coupon expires 4-30 but they’ve been joined by a good number of the satin and spandex Any crowd, who have given up on the guys and are now up there being sexy before they have to head back $ to the bus and whatever their lives $ were like before they were tapped Up to 3 Toppings for this. each when you get 2 or more Deep on the dance floor, a guy is Dine In or Carry Out dirty dancing with a girl who’s too Get 2 or more for delivery drunk to care that his hands aren’t nearly as uncoordinated as she coupon expires 4-30 is, while at the edge of the stage, two girls enjoy being the center of A Large 2 Topping Pizza and Dozen Wings attention as they romp at the fringes gpb augusta:Layout 1 7/18/08 1:56 PM Page 1 of their sexuality. In other words, it’s basically like the end of any other Friday night. To use the Maxim lingo, the party has remained very aspirational. Though these are supposed to be the alpha males, the young and monied who know what they want and can afford to go out there and get it, it seems as though the true alpha males quartering in Augusta are running solo, which might have been the point all along. Even if you’re a guy who can drop several hundred dollars on a ticket to IT’S NOT JUST A PERSPECTIVE something like this, there’s always something more: the VIP area you can’t get into, the sports cars you can’t afford, all those girls — the miles of leg and deep canyons of cleavage — that you’ll never bring home. It’s all just out of your reach, IT’S A WORLD OF but, this close to the end, most of the guys, including the corporate investment guy sipping his vodka and sweet tea, don’t seem to mind. “Great party,” he shouts over the Substance. Independence. Curiosity. Depth. music. “Lots of women.” “But you’re up here and they’re It’s radio with a human voice. down there.” Tune your radio to 90.7 every day to hear He shrugs. “That’s not their fault.”

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when talking about what it took to bring the Maxim party concept to Augusta. Having planned Maxim Super Bowl parties, which can have upwards of 3,000 guests (the last one was held at the exposition venue that hosts the Texas State Fair and included guests like Marcus Allen, producer Jerry Bruckheimer and singer Chris Brown) she said the Augusta party, with its guest list set at 600, was still a challenge, particularly since they had such a limited time to prepare. “Not everybody can go to the Super Bowl and not everybody lives in LA and can go to our Hot 100 party,” she said. “So it’s nice to travel with it and make something that’s very aspirational very attainable. It’s definitely for those people who have always wanted to go to a Maxim party and get that experience.” To create that experience in Augusta, Civitello took some curtains, some colored lighting, a couple of golf carts and some more sophisticated-looking seating for the two VIP areas and made the Country Club the Maxim

16 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

O N THE WORLD.



P E R SPECTIVES . the latest from WACG and NPR News.

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the Headquarters Branch Library throughout the month of April.

calendar Arts Basic Digital Photography is a sixweek class for adults at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art that meets each Thursday, beginning April 14, from 6-9 p.m. Students should bring their SLR digital cameras and manuals to class. $144 for members and $160 for non-members. Watercolor Portraits from Photographs is a two-Saturday class at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art beginning April 16, from 10 a.m.-3 p.m. Participants should bring a brown bag lunch to each session and a list of supplies will be sent upon registration. $72 for members and $80 for non-members. Sunday Sketch in the Morris Museum of Art is Sunday, April 17, at 2 p.m. Check in in the activities room. Free. Gallery Tour at the Morris Museum of Art is at 3 p.m. Sunday, April 17. Free. Grant Seeker Sessions will be held on Tuesday, April 19, at noon and Wednesday, April 20, at 4:30 p.m. in the conference room at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. For 501(c) (3) arts nonprofits wishing to apply for the Augusta-Richmond County Re-granted funds, these sessions are led by Arts Council Executive Director Brenda Durant and Application Coordinator Patti Ann Smith. Pastel Painting Course is a four-Thursday class for adults at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art that begins April 21 at either 1:30-4:30 p.m. or 6-9 p.m. Preregistration required. $108 for members; $120 for non-members. Art As a Window to the Mind: The Art of Finding Yourself is a discussion on Thursday, April 21, at 6 p.m. led by abstract expressionist painter Laura Spong and Alex

Music Allstar Weekend plays Fort Gordon’s Alexander Hall Friday, April 15, at 7 p.m. Free and open to the community. Mabe, Ph.D., professor and clinical psychologist at Georgia Health Sciences University. A reception will follow. Free for invited guests and Morris Museum of Art members. Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Comedy James Gregory performs at the Imperial Theatre Saturday, April 16, at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $20-$25. Exhibitions “Resonance,” works by Mexican artist Rocío Maldonado, shows April 15-May 27 at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art with an opening reception Friday, April 15, from 6-8 p.m. Opening is free for members and $5 for non-members and a fully illustrated catalogue of the artist’s work will accompany the exhibition and is available for $10. “I Will Tell You a Place: Paintings by Brian Rutenberg” shows through May 15 at the Morris Museum of Art. Lewis and Clark Traveling Exhibit, sponsored by the National Endowment for the Humanities, is at the Headquarters Branch Library throughout the month of April. Vintage Kodak Camera Collection, from the collection of Dennis Cavanaugh, is on the third floor of the Headquarters Branch Library throughout the month of April. Oil and Watercolor Paintings, painted by Joseph Daniel Gray from March 5, 1918-March 18, 1988, shows on the third floor of

18 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

The Harlem String Quartet, hosted by the Harry Jacobs Chamber Music Society, performs Friday, April 15, at 7:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Center at ASU. This group

of prize-winning musicians will play music ranging classical to jazz, from Beethoven to Chick Corea. Tickets available at the door. Master Works of the Great Bs, a Symphony Orchestra Augusta concert featuring selections from Beethoven, Brahms, Bach/Saito and Bartok, is Saturday, April 16, at 7:30 p.m. at First Baptist of Augusta. Tickets are $15-$45, and $7 for students and military with ID the evening of the concert.

Aiken Brewing Company 803-502-0707 aikenbrewingcompany.com Aiken Community Playhouse 803-648-1438 aikencommunityplayhouse.com Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse 706-724-6777 andyjordans.com Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club 706-854-0149 augustasoccer.com Augusta Canal 706-823-0440 augustacanal.com Augusta Choral Society 706-826-4713 augustachoralsociety.org Augusta Coin Club 706-829-5484 augustacoinclub.org Augusta Genealogical Society 706-722-4073 Augusta GreenJackets 706-922-WINS greenjacketsbaseball.com Augusta Ice Sports Center 706-863-0061 augustaicesports.com Augusta Museum of History 706-722-8454 augustamuseum.org Augusta Rugby Football Club arj6402@yahoo.com The Ballroom Dance Center 706-854-8888 thebdc.us Barnes & Noble 706-737-0012 bn.com Bell Auditorium 877-4AUGTIX georgialinatix.com Blanchard Woods Park 706-312-7192 columbiacountyga.gov

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Taking Back the CSRA Gospel Concert is Saturday, April 16, at the USC-A Convocation Center at 7 p.m. Tickets are $20. Rossini’s “Stabat Mater,” performed by the Augusta Choral Society and The Presbyterian Choir, is on Saturday, April 16, at 7:30 p.m. at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. Tickets are $10-$25, and are available in advance or at the door. Music of the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries, featuring Augusta State University faculty and colleagues, is 2 p.m. on Sunday, April 17, at the Morris Museum of Art. Free. Literary Sweet Tea, White Gloves and Alligators: Poetry from the Augusta Authors Club, is Friday, April 15, at noon at the Morris Museum of Art as part of their Art at Lunch series. $10 for members; $14 for nonmembers. Pre-registration required. Used Book Sale at the Appleby Branch Library is from 10 a.m.-1 p.m. on Saturday, April 16. Local Author Beverly Bentley will read from and sign copies of her book of inspirational poetry, “Portraits from the Heart,” at the Headquarters Branch Library on Sunday, April 17, at 2 p.m. Monday Night Book Discussion at the Columbia County Library is April 18 at 6:30 p.m. and includes a discussion of Steig Larsson’s “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest.” Brown Bag Book Discussion, featuring Diane Meier’s novel “The Season of Second Chances,” is Thursday, April 21, at 11:30 a.m. at the Columbia County Library “The Diana Chronicles” by Tina Brown is the subject of a book discussion at the Harlem Branch Library on Thursday, April 21, at 4 p.m. NOOK Tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a NOOKcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. metrospirit.com

Theater “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” shows at 7:30 p.m. April 14-15 and at 1:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. on April 16 in USC-Aiken’s Etherredge Center. General admission adult tickets are $15, senior admission tickets are $12, and student admission tickets are $7. “Glengarry Glen Ross,” a play by David Mamet, shows at Le Chat Noir April 15-16 and 21-23 at 8 p.m. Tickets are $25. “Grease,” part of the Broadway in Augusta series, shows at the Bell Auditorium on Saturday, April 16, at 8 p.m. Tickets are $45-$55. “Crossing Delancey” shows at the URS Center for the Performing Arts in Aiken April 15-16 and 22-23 at 8 p.m. and April 17 at 3 p.m. Tickets are $17 for adults, $15 for seniors, $12 for students and $6 for children under 12. Dance Paul Taylor Dance Company performs at the Imperial Theatre on Thursday, April 14, at 7 p.m. Tickets are $20-$75. Friday Dance is every Friday night from 8:30-11 p.m. at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans. $5. Christian Singles Dance, for ages 18 and over, is every Saturday night at The Ballroom Dancer Center in Evans from 7-11 p.m. $8-$10. Flix “Made in Dagenham,” part of the Movies @ Headquarters series, shows Tuesday, April 19, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. “Bobby Jones, Stroke of Genius” shows throughout April at the Augusta Museum of History as part of the museum’s History Theater Film Series. Free with admission. Special Events Grand Re-Opening Ceremony at MM Scott Park, 1575 Flagler Road, is at 5 p.m. on Thursday, April 14. Tax Day Tea Party is all day Friday, April 15, at the Jessye Norman Amphitheatre downtown.

Roger Enevoldsen performs Top 40, oldies and sing-alongs during the Augusta Canal’s Moonlight Music Cruise on Friday, April 15, at 6:30 p.m. Passengers are welcome to bring aboard refreshments of their choice. Cruises last approximately an hour and half and depart from the docks at Enterprise Mill. $25 per seat; reservations required. Undercover Artist Show is Friday, April 15, at 7 p.m. on the lawn at Walton Rehabilitation Hospital. The event, which benefits Walton’s Foundation’s camp TBI, A five-day spend the night camp for children with traumatic brain injury ages 8-21, features food, drinks, live music and art “undercover” by talented local artist and celebs. Blues, Brews and BBQ is a series of events on Fridays, April 15, 22 and 29, at 7 p.m. at the Columbia County Amphitheatre that includes live music, barbecue from area restaurants and beer and wine. Blankets and chairs are welcome. $5 per person. Time to Care Fair is Saturday, April 16, from 8 a.m.-4 p.m. at the Augusta Common and includes family fun including an ECGRL library booth containing craft tables and library information. EarthFest 2011 is Saturday, April 16, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. at the Columbia County Amphitheatre and includes a raptor flight show at 12:30 p.m., a butterfly release at 1:30 p.m., earth-friendly vendors and children’s crafts. Aiken Kite Festival, held at Citizens Park Champion Field, is Saturday, April 16, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. and includes kite-flying demonstrations, food vendors, inflatables, a motorcycle cruise in, remote-controlled plane demonstrations, face painting and more. The Art of Fine Living is Wednesday, April 20, at 11 a.m. at the Morris Museum of Art. Led by gardening guru Mary Louise Hagler, this event features light hors d’oeuvres and flowers, and participants should bring clippers. $35 for members; $50 for nonmembers. Pre-registration required.

Brick Yard Market is each Friday from 6-9 p.m. at Hammond’s Ferry in North Augusta and features fresh produce and goods, as well as live music in front of Manuel’s Bread Cafe. Saturday Market at the River, located at 8th Street Plaza, downtown Augusta, is each Saturday, April 16-Oct. 29, from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. Health Car Seat Class, teaching the proper selection, use, installation and progression of car and booster seats, is Thursday, April 14, at 5:45 p.m. at the MCGHealth Building. Preregistration required. The Weight is Over Weight Loss Surgery Seminar is at 6 p.m. on Thursday, April 14, at Doctors Hospital’s h2u building. Preregistration required. The Daddy Class, a baby care class just for expectant fathers, meets at 7 p.m. on Thursday, April 14, in Suite 310 of Medical Office Building One, 3623 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Preregistration required. Center for Women Tour is at 7 p.m. on Thursday, April 14, in Suite 310 of Medical Office Building One, 3623 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Women’s Center Tour is Thursday, April 14, at 7 p.m. and meets in the University Hospital lobby. Free, but pre-registration required. Weekend Childbirth Education Class meets Friday, April 15, at 6:30 p.m. and Saturday, April 16, at 9 a.m. in the third floor education center at University Hospital. Free, but pre-registration required. Short and Sweet, a two-day childbirth preparation class for expectant parents, meets at 9 a.m. on Saturday, April 16, and at 1 p.m. on Sunday, April 17, in Suite 310 of Medical Office Building One, 3623 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Preregistration required. Heart Disease and Stroke, a community education class led by

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health educator Amiyana GadsdenBarrett, is Saturday, April 16, at 1:30 p.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Free, but pre-registration required. Mom-to-Be Tea, a celebration for expectant mothers, meets Sunday, April 17, at 2 p.m. in University Hospital’s third floor Women’s Center classroom. Free, but preregistration required.

first floor community room of MCGHealth Cancer Center.

Thursday, April 21, at 5 p.m. in the University Breast Health Center.

Living Well with Diabetes Adult Support Group meets Thursday, April 14, at 5 p.m. in dining room 1 of the University Hospital Cafeteria.

Blood Cancer/Stem Cell Support Group for patients, families, friends and caregivers is Thursday, April 21, at 5:30 p.m. in the first floor community room of MCGHealth Cancer Center.

Cancer Survivor Support Group meets at 6 p.m. on Thursday, April 14, at Augusta Oncology Associates, 3696 Wheeler Road.

Breastfeeding Class is Tuesday, April 19, at 7 p.m. in room 5306 of MCGHealth Medical Office Building. Free, but pre-registration required.

Brain Injury Support Group meets the second Thursday of every month from 6-7:30 p.m. at Walton West Transitional Living Center. The next meeting is Thursday, April 15.

Ready & Able, a three-session class for women in their third trimester of pregnancy and their partners, meets Tuesdays, April 19, 26 and May 3, at 7 p.m. in Suite 310 of Medical Office Building One, 3623 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Pre-registration required.

Support for People with Oral, Head and Neck Cancers meets Tuesday, April 19, in the first floor community room of MCGHealth Cancer Center at 6 p.m.

Cancer Screenings and Prevention: What You Should Know meets at 10 a.m. on Wednesday, April 20, at Augusta Primary Care South Senior Health Center, 2357 Tobacco Road. Pre-registration required. Breastfeeding Class is Thursday, April 21, at 7 p.m. at Babies R Us. Free, but pre-registration required. Babies, Bumps and Bruises, a newborn care class for expectant parents, meets at 7 p.m. on Thursday, April 21, at Doctors Hospital. Pre-registration required. Support Look Good, Feel Better, a national program that helps female cancer patients restore their appearance and self-image during chemotherapy and radiation, meets Thursday, April 14, from 5-7 p.m. at the American Cancer Society office. Free, but preregistration required. ALS Support Group for patients, families, friends and caregivers is Thursday, April 14, at 11 a.m. in room BP4306 of MCGHealth Medical Office Building. Preregistration required. Breast Cancer Support Group for patients and families is Thursday, April 14, at 5:30 p.m. in the

Prostate Cancer Support Group meets Tuesday, April 19, at 7 p.m. at Augusta Technical College, Building 600, room 612. Bi-Weekly Support Group for those suffering from depression and anxiety as a result of chronic pain and/or illness, sponsored by Family Counseling Center of the CSRA, meets Wednesday, April 20, at 2 p.m. at the center’s office. North Augusta Alzheimer’s Support Group meets Wednesday, April 20, at 6 p.m. at First Baptist Church of North Augusta. What Is Next?, a support group for patients and family of those recovering from brain and spinal cord injuries, meets Wednesday, April 20, in the Howard Board Room at Walton Rehabilitation Hospital. Trauma Support Group meets Wednesday, April 20, from noon-1 p.m. Meeting locations alternate, so call for more information. Amputee Support Group meets the third Thursday of every month from noon-1 p.m. at Walton Rehabilitation Hospital. Open to new patients, experienced prosthetic users, family members and others. The next meeting is Thursday, April 21. My Mom Has Breast Cancer, a support group for children, meets

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Skip to My Lupus, a group for those with lupus and similar autoimmune disorders, meets Thursday, April 21, at 7 p.m. at Aiken Regional Medical Centers.

Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meets each Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. in Suite 110 of Medical Office Building 2, 3624 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Education Becoming a Dentist, part of the Simplifying the Health Professions workshop series offered by Georgia Health Sciences University, is Thursday, April 14, at 5:30 p.m. at the John S. Davidson Fine Arts

Chain Reaction Bicycles 706-855-2024 chainreactionbicycles.net City of Aiken: cityofaikensc.gov H.O. Weeks Center: 803-642-7631 City of Augusta augustaga.gov Columbia County Government: columbiacountyga.gov Special Events: 706-312-7192 or 706-312-7195 Community Development and Improvement Corporation 803-663-6848 foreclosurehelpforsc.org Consumer Credit Counseling Service 706-736-2090 cccsaugusta.org CSRA Humane Society 706-261-PETS csrahumanesociety.org Doctors Hospital 706-651-2229 doctors-hospital.net The DuPont Planetarium, USC-Aiken 803-641-3654 http://rpsec.usca.edu/planetarium/ East Central Georgia Regional Library System: ecgrl.org Headquarters Branch: 706-821-2600 Appleby Branch: 706-736-6244 Columbia County Branch: 706-863-1946 Harlem Branch: 706-556-9795 Maxwell Branch: 706-793-2020 Diamond Lakes Branch: 706-772-2432 Wallace Branch: 706-722-6275 Family Counseling Center of the CSRA 706-868-5011 Fort Gordon fortgordon.com French Club 706-737-6962 Georgia-Carolina Toastmasters 803-593-6605 Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art 706-722-5495 ghia.org The Greater Augusta Arts Council 706-826-4702 augustaarts.com Hammond’s Ferry 803-380-1323 hammondsferry.com

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Magnet School. Open to all area parents, students and teachers. Beginners Internet is a class held Thursday, April 14, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Free, but pre-registration required. Richmond County Republican Party monthly breakfast is Saturday, April 16, from 9-11 a.m. at the Holiday Inn on Gordon Highway. NACA Home Save Workshop is Saturday, April 16, from 9-11 a.m. at InterFaith Christian Center in Hephzibah. A free workshop held by Neighborhood Assistance Corporation of America, the largest HUD-certified nonprofit mortgagecounseling agency in America. If These Rocks Could Talk: Historical Geography and Archaeology of the Savannah River Floodplain is Saturday, April 16, at 10 a.m. and Sunday, April 17, at 3 p.m. at the Augusta Water Works Raw Water Pumping Station on the Augusta Canal. Participants will learn about the ancient people who inhabited the Savannah River valley along the Piedmont fall line. $2. “The Other Tubmans” shows at 11:30 a.m., 12:30 p.m. and 1:30 p.m. on Saturday, April 16, at the Augusta Museum of History as part of the museum’s Voices of the Past series. Free for members or with regular museum admission. Laney-Walker Neighborhood Association Meeting is Monday, April 18, at 7 p.m. at Dyess Park. Free and open to the public. Beginners Computer is a class held Tuesday, April 19, at 3:30 p.m. and Tuesday, April 26, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Free, but pre-registration required. Personal Financial Workshop, offered by Consumer Credit Counseling Service, is Tuesday, April 19, from 5:30-6:30 p.m. at the CCCS Office, 1341 Druid Park Ave. in Augusta. A free workshop held each Tuesday. Mortgage Default and Foreclosure Counseling, held by the Community Development and Improvement metrospirit.com

Corporation, is Tuesday, April 19, from 6-8 p.m. at the H.O. Weeks Recreation Center in Aiken. Free. Homeowners should bring a current mortgage statement and any other legal documents, recent pay stubs and/or other proof of household income, most recent utility bill, bank statements and tax return with W2s. Beginner’s Internet, a computer class for adults, is Wednesday, April 20, at 10 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Pre-registration and a valid PINES card are required. Getting Started with Facebook, a two-session computer class for adults, is Wednesdays, April 20 and 27, at 6 p.m. at Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Free, but preregistration required. Rocky Creek Neighborhood Association Meeting is Wednesday, April 20, at 7:30 p.m. at Ascension Lutheran Church. Computing for Beginners, a threesession computer class for adults, is Thursdays, April 21, 28 and May 5, at 10 a.m. at Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Free, but preregistration required. Resume Writing and Online Job Searching Seminar is Thursday, April 21, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Pre-registration required. “Worlds in Motion” shows each Saturday in April at 7 and 8 p.m. at the DuPont Planetarium at the Ruth Patrick Science Education Center, USC-Aiken. Tickets are $4.50 for adults, $3.50 for seniors, $2.50 for 4K-12th grade students and $1 for USC-A staff and students.

private garden of Mr. and Mrs. R. Daniel Blanton. Reception begins at 4 p.m. with tea seating at 5 p.m. Reservations are required.

Rollerway. Tickets are $10 in advance, $15 and the door and kids 12 and under get in free.

10th Annual United Way of the CSRA Golf Classic is Monday, April 18, beginning at noon at Jones Creek Golf Club in Evans. Registration, including green fees, practice balls, awards, cart, goody bag, beverages, lunch and dinner, is $125 per person or $450 per foursome. Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 8:45 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of a personal item which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Sports The Augusta GreenJackets play the West Virginia Power April 15 at 7:35 p.m., April 16 at 7:05 p.m., April 17 at 2:05 p.m. and April 18 at 7:05 p.m. Tickets are $1-$13. MedWAR Southeast 2011, a wilderness adventure race that combines wilderness medicine with adventure racing, is Saturday, April 16, at 8 a.m. at Fort Gordon. $260 per team. 10th Annual Swamp Stomp 5K Race at Phinizy Swamp Nature Park is Saturday, April 16, at 8 a.m. Pre-registration, by April 14, is $23 or $17 without a T-shirt; race-day registration is $25 or $20 without a T-shirt.

New Volunteer Orientation is Saturday, April 16, at 9 a.m. at the CSRA Humane Society’s Pet Center.

Eighth Annual Best Dam Ride, beginning a J. Strom Thurmond Lake and Dam, is Sunday, April 17, with registration beginning at 7:30 a.m. and the ride beginning at 8:30 a.m. 25-, 60-, 80- and 100mile century option with a 15-, 36- or 50-mile mountain bike ride on the Historic Bartram Trail. Rest stops along the way with breakfast from Sonic and a meal from Motts Barbeque at the end of the ride. $30 per rider, with children 12 and under riding free with a paid adult rider. Register at active.com or Chain Reaction Bicycles.

Taking Tea with Alice, a garden tea to benefit Sacred Heart Cultural Center, is Sunday, April 17, in the

The Soul City Sirens play the Chattanooga Rollergirls Sunday, April 17, at 6 p.m. at Red Wing

Benefits Youth Awareness Walk for Sickle Cell is Saturday, April 16, at 8 a.m. on the Riverwalk in Augusta. All donations and proceeds go to Huisman Sickle Cell Foundation of Augusta.

The Augusta GreenJackets play the Delmaura Shorebirds April 19-23 at 7:05 p.m. Tickets are $1-$13. Group Run begins each Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. at Nacho Mama’s. Threeand four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Hockey Skills & Drills is every Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Augusta Ice Sports Center. $10-$15. Held every Thursday. Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Riverview Disc Golf League meets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Augusta Rugby Football Club meets every Tuesday and Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at the Julian Smith Casino ballpark. New players are welcome. Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6 p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Kids Rhyme Time Story Time, for ages 5 and younger, is Thursday, April 14, at 10 a.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Participants will celebrate National Poetry Month with rhyming stories, songs and a craft. Free. Groups of six or more must pre-register.

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Prints for Everyone, part of the Morris Museum of Art’s Toddler Time series, is Thursday, April 14, at 10 a.m. or 11:15 a.m. Free for members; $4 per participant for nonmembers. Pre-registration required.

4:30 p.m. in which participants will take measurements of the creek and dip net for animals as they wade. Free for members; $2 per child for non-members. Preregistration is required.

Go, Go Power Rangers, a Fun Friday event for kids, is Friday, April 15, at 3:30 p.m. at the Augusta Headquarters Library. Participants are invited to bring their own toys to play with and share with other participants.

Teen Poetry Workshop is Tuesday, April 19, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library.

Mickey’s Magic Show, part of the Disney Live series, shows at the USC-A Convocation Center on Friday, April 15, at 3:30 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. Tickets are $15-$42. Busy Bees, for those ages 5 and up, is a Reed Creek Park program on Friday, April 15, at 4:30 p.m. that teaches participants why bees are important to ecosystems. Free for members; $2 per child for nonmembers. Pre-registration is required. Ceramics: Shhh! It’s a Secret, is a class for those ages 7-8 at the Gertrude Herbert that meets Saturdays, April 16 and 30, from 9:30-11 a.m. in which participants will make gifts for Mother’s and Father’s Day. $22.50 for members; $25 for non-members; $5 supply fee. Pre-registration required. Easter Egg Scramble at Blanchard Woods Park is Saturday, April 16, from 10 a.m.-noon. $1 per child. Jazz4Kids, an introduction to jazz music and culture geared toward those ages 5-10, is a free performance, lecture and demonstration that is at 6 p.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library in Hephzibah on Monday, April 18. Easter Egg Hunt Story and Craft, for those ages 8 and younger, is Tuesday, April 19, at 10 a.m. at the Augusta Headquarters Library. Bunny Fun Craft Workshop, for ages 3-5, is Tuesday, April 19, at 11 a.m. at the Appleby Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Creek Exploration, for those ages 5 and up, is a Reed Creek Park program on Tuesday, April 19, at

Wilderness Survival Skills, a Columbia County Library program offered in conjunction with Reed Creek Park, is April 20 at 1 p.m. and April 21 at 4 p.m. For those ages 611, pre-registration is required The Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages 5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at the Augusta Soccer Park. Storytime in the Gardens, a free program for children 8 and under, is held Tuesdays through May at 4 p.m. in Hopelands Gardens in Aiken. Free. Toddler Time, free play for children ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:30-11:30 a.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m. and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the children’s department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. The Volunteen Program at MCGHealth, a six-week handson program for high school students ages 15-18, is now taking applications for its summer session. Application deadline is April 30. Hobbies Adult Craft Workshop, in which participants will make an Easter basket, is Saturday, April 16, at 1 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. $5 materials fee and preregistration required. Aiken Brewers Club meets Tuesday, April 19, at 7 p.m. at Aiken

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Brewing Co. For anyone in the CSRA interested in the crafting and appreciation of homebrewed beer. Augusta Coin Club meets Thursday, April 21, at 7 p.m. at America’s Best Value Inn on Washington Road. Free. Augusta Genealogical Society meets every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday at 9 a.m. and Sundays from 2-5 p.m. at the society’s Adamson Library, 1109 Broad St. Free.

skills, is every Wednesday at noon at the Cotton Patch downtown. Free. French Club meets each Thursday at 7 p.m. at Borders. Free. Southeastern Filmmakers, a social organization for those interested in the art and craft of independent filmmaking, meets the third Tuesday of each month at 6:30 p.m. at Lost in the 50s, 610 Edgefield Road in Belvedere, S.C. Free.

Georgia-Carolina Toastmasters Meeting, for those who want to brush up on their public speaking

Harry Jacobs Chamber Music Society 706-790-9274 hjcms.org Highfields Events Center 803-649-3505 psjshows.com/highfields.php Huisman Sickle Cell Foundation of Augusta 706-210-8839 or 706-860-0379 Imperial Theatre 706-722-8341 imperialtheatre.com James Brown Arena 877-4AUGTIX georgialinatix.com Just Breathe Yoga Studio, Aiken 803-648-8048 justbreathestudio.com Laney-Walker Neighborhood Association 706-306-5027 Le Chat Noir 706-722-3322 lcnaugusta.com Medical College of Georgia: mcghealth.org SafeKids East Central: 706-721-7606 Breast Cancer Support: 706-721-4109 Oral Head and Neck Support: 706-721-0550 Trauma Support: 706-721-4633 or 706-721-3264 Blood Cancer/Stem Cell Support: 706-721-9134 Becoming a Dentist Workshop: 706-721-8331 Volunteer Services: 706-721-3596 MedWAR 770-289-5500 medwar.org The Morris Museum of Art 706-724-7501 themorris.org NACA 706-855-7464 Nacho Mama’s Group Run 706-414-4059 jim@enduranceconcepts.com North Augusta Arts and Heritage Center 803-441-4380 artsandheritagecenter.com

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Masters 7 Cinemas 2824 Washington Road, Augusta; 706-736-4444; georgiatheatrecompany.com

April 14: Drive Angry (R) 4:40 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (PG-13) 4:30 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:40 p.m.; Unknown (PG-13) 4:15 p.m., 7:00 p.m., 9:35 p.m.; The Roommate (PG-13) 5:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; The Green Hornet (PG-13) 9:30 p.m.; True Grit (PG-13) 4 p.m., 6:40 p.m., 9:25 p.m.; Yogi Bear (PG) 4:50 p.m., 6:50 p.m.; Tangled (PG) 5:10 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 9:50 p.m. April 15: Hall Pass (R) 4:40 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:40 p.m.; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (PG-13) 4:15 p.m., 6:50 p.m., 9:30 p.m.; Unknown (PG-13) 4 p.m., 6:40 p.m., 9:25 p.m.; Gnomeo and Juliet (G) 5:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Just Go With It (PG-13) 4:30 p.m., 7 p.m., 9:35 p.m.; The Roommate (PG-13) 7:20 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Yogi Bear (PG) 4:50 p.m.; Tangled (PG) 5:10 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 9:50 p.m. April 16-17: Hall Pass (R) 1:30 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:40 p.m.; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (PG-13) 1:10 p.m., 4:15 p.m., 6:50 p.m., 9:30 p.m.; Unknown (PG-13) 1 p.m., 4 p.m., 6:40 p.m., 9:25 p.m.; Gnomeo and Juliet (G) 12:50 p.m., 3 p.m., 5:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Just Go

Phinizy Swamp Nature Park 706-828-2109 naturalsciencesacademy.org Reed Creek Park 706-210-4027 reedcreekpark.com Richmond County Republican Party 706-738-7625 Riverview Disc Golf League 803-215-8181 augustadiscgolf.com Rocky Creek Neighborhood Association 706-833-7426 Sacred Heart Cultural Center 706-826-4700 sacredheartaugusta.org Saturday Market on the River theaugustamarket.com Skip to My Lupus 803-282-9193 skiptomylupus.org Soul City Sirens soulcitysirens.com Southeastern Filmmakers henndude@yahoo.com southeasternfilmmakers.com Symphony Orchestra Augusta 706-826-4705 soaugusta.org United Way of the CSRA 706-724-5544 uwcsra.org University Hospital: universityhealth.org Women’s Center: 706-774-2825 Breastfeeding Class: 706-721-9351 Look Good, Feel Better: 706-731-9900 Diabetes Support: 706-868-3241 Prostate Cancer Support: 706-868-8758 North Augusta Alzheimer’s Support: 803-278-5611 My Mom Has Breast Cancer: 706-774-4141 University of South Carolina-Aiken: usca.edu Etherredge Center Box Office: 803-641-3305 Convocation Center: 866-722-8877 Walton Rehabilitation Hospital: wrh.org What Is Next?: 706-826-5877 Amputee Support: 706-823-8504 Brain Injury Support: 706-533-3904 Stroke and Outpatient Support-Aiken: 803-644-6140 Stroke and Outpatient Support-Augusta: 706-823- 5250 Spinal Cord Injury Support: 706-823-8504 Undercover Artist Fundraiser: 706-826-5809 Wheelchair Tennis Clinic: 706-826-5809

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With It (PG-13) 1:20 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 7 p.m., 9:35 p.m.; The Roommate (PG-13) 7:20 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Yogi Bear (PG) 12:40 p.m., 2:50 p.m., 4:50 p.m.; Tangled (PG) 12:30 p.m., 2:50 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 9:50 p.m. April 18-20: Hall Pass (R) 4:40 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:40 p.m.; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (PG-13) 4:15 p.m., 6:50 p.m., 9:30 p.m.; Unknown (PG-13) 4 p.m., 6:40 p.m., 9:25 p.m.; Gnomeo and Juliet (G) 5:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Just Go With It (PG-13) 4:30 p.m., 7 p.m., 9:35 p.m.; The Roommate (PG-13) 7:20 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Yogi Bear (PG) 4:50 p.m.; Tangled (PG) 5:10 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 9:50 p.m.

Regal Augusta Exchange Stadium 20 & IMA X 1144 Agerton Lane, Augusta; 706-667-9713; regmovies.com April 14: Scream 4 (R) 12:01 a.m.; Born to Be Wild 3D (G) 12:45 p.m., 2 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 5:45 p.m., 7 p.m., 8:30 p.m.; Arthur (PG-13) 12:30 p.m., 4:15 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Hanna (PG-13) 12:15 p.m., 4 p.m., 7 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Soul Surfer (PG) Noon, 1 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 4:05 p.m., 5 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8 p.m., 10 p.m., 10:30 p.m.; Your Highness (R) 10:20 a.m., 12:05 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 2:35 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 7:50 p.m., 9:50 p.m.; Hop (PG) 12:10 p.m., 12:40 p.m., 2:40 p.m., 3:40 p.m., 5 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 7:55 p.m., 9:45 p.m., 10:15 p.m.; Insidious (PG-13) 1:15 p.m., 4:45 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Source Code (PG-13) 12:25 p.m., 1:25 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 4:25 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 9:35 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 1:10 p.m., 3:55 p.m., 7:50 p.m., 9:50 p.m. (IMAX), 10:25 p.m.; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:20 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 10:05 p.m.; Limitless (PG-13) 12:35 p.m., 4:35 p.m., 7:05 p.m., 9:40 p.m.; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 1:05 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 10:40 p.m.; Paul (R) 12:55 p.m., 4:50 p.m., 7:35 p.m., 10:05 p.m.; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 12:50 p.m., 4:10 p.m., 7:35 p.m., 10:25 p.m.; Red Riding Hood (PG-13) 1:20 p.m., 5:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 10:10 p.m.; Rango (PG) Noon, 2:35 p.m., 5:15 p.m., 8:05 p.m., 10:45 p.m. April 15-16: Atlas Shrugged (PG-13) 12:10 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 4:50 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:30 p.m., 11:50 p.m.; The Conspirator (PG-13) 1:05 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 10:15 p.m.; Rio (G) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 1 p.m., 2:20 p.m., 2:50 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8 p.m., 9:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m., 11:40 p.m., 12:10 a.m.; Scream 4 (R) 12:15 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:30 p.m., 2:40 p.m., 4 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 9:45 p.m., 10:05 p.m., 10:35 p.m., 12:15 a.m., 12:30 a.m.; Born to Be Wild 3D (G) 12:45 p.m., 2 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 6 p.m.; Arthur (PG-13) 12:35 p.m., 4:15 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:55 p.m., 12:35 a.m.; Hanna (PG-13) 12:15 p.m., 4 p.m., 7:05 p.m., 9:45 p.m., 12:20 a.m; Soul Surfer (PG) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 3:05 p.m., 5 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8:05 p.m., 10 p.m., 12:30 a.m.; Your Highness (R) 12:55 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:10 p.m., 12:20 a.m.; Hop (PG) 12:40 p.m., 3:40 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 10 p.m., 12:15 a.m.; Insidious (PG-13) 1:15 p.m., 4:45 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 9:55 p.m., 12:25 a.m.; Source Code (PG-13) 12:25 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 10:35 p.m.,; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:20 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 7:40 p.m.,; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 10:25 p.m.; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 5:10 p.m., 10:40 p.m.; Win Win (R) 1:20 p.m., 5:20 p.m., 7:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 5:30 p.m., 10:30 p.m.; Rango (PG) 12:05 p.m., 2:35 p.m., 8:05 p.m. April 17: Atlas Shrugged (PG-13) 12:10 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 4:50 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:30 p.m., 11:50 p.m.; The Conspirator (PG-13) 1:05 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 10:15 p.m.; Rio (G) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 1 p.m., 2:20 p.m., 2:50 p.m., 3:20 p.m. 4:40 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8 p.m., 9:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Scream 4 (R) 12:15 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:30 p.m., 2:40 p.m., 4 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 9:45 p.m., 10:05 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Born to Be Wild 3D (G) 12:45 p.m., 2 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 6 p.m.; Arthur (PG-13) 12:35 p.m., 4:15 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Hanna (PG-13) 12:15 p.m., 4 p.m., 7:05 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Soul Surfer (PG) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 3:05 p.m., 5 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8:05 p.m., 10 p.m.; Your Highness (R) 12:45 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:10 p.m.; Hop (PG) 12:40 p.m., 3:40 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 10 p.m., 12:15 a.m.; Insidious (PG-13) 1:15 p.m., 4:45 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Source Code (PG-13) 12:25 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:20 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 7:40 p.m.; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 10:25 p.m.; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 5:10 p.m., 10:40 p.m.; Win Win (R) 1:20 p.m., 5:20 p.m., 7:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 5:30 p.m., 10:30 p.m.; Rango (PG) 12:05 p.m., 2:35 p.m., 8:05 p.m. April 18: Atlas Shrugged (PG-13) 12:10 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 4:50 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:30 p.m.; The Conspirator (PG-13) 1:05 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 10:15 p.m.; Rio (G) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 1 p.m., 2:20 p.m., 2:50 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8 p.m., 9:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Scream 4 (R) 12:15 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:30 p.m., 2:40 p.m., 4 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 9:45 p.m., 10:05 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Born to Be Wild 3D (G) 12:45 p.m., 2 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 6 p.m.; Arthur (PG-13) 12:35 p.m., 4:15 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Hanna (PG-13) 12:15 p.m., 4 p.m., 7:05 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Soul Surfer (PG) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 3:05 p.m., 5 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8:05 p.m., 10 p.m.; Your Highness (R) 12:45 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:10 p.m.; Hop (PG) 12:40 p.m., 3:40 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 10 p.m., 12:15 a.m.; Insidious (PG-13) 1:15 p.m., 4:45 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Source Code (PG-13) 12:25 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:20 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 7:40 p.m.; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 10:25 p.m.; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 5:10 p.m., 10:40 p.m.; Win Win (R) 1:20 p.m., 5:20 p.m., 7:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 5:30 p.m., 10:30 p.m.; Rango (PG) 12:05 p.m., 2:35 p.m., 8:05 p.m. April 19: Atlas Shrugged (PG-13) 12:10 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 4:50 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:30 p.m.; The Conspirator (PG-13) 1:05 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 10:15 p.m.; Rio (G) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 1 p.m., 2:20 p.m., 2:50 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8 p.m., 9:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Scream 4 (R) 12:15 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:30 p.m., 2:40 p.m., 4 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 9:45 p.m., 10:05 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Born to Be Wild 3D (G) 12:45 p.m., 2 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 6 p.m.; Arthur (PG-13) 12:30 p.m., 4:15 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Hanna (PG-13) 12:15 p.m., 4 p.m., 7:05 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Soul Surfer (PG) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 3:05 p.m., 5 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8:05 p.m., 10 p.m.; Your Highness (R) 12:45 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:10 p.m.; Hop (PG) 12:40 p.m., 3:40 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 10 p.m., 12:15 a.m.; Insidious (PG-13) 1:15 p.m., 4:45 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Source Code (PG-13) 12:25 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:20 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 7:40 p.m.,; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 10:25 p.m.; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 5:10 p.m., 10:40 p.m.; Win Win (R) 1:20 p.m., 5:20 p.m., 7:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 5:30 p.m., 10:30 p.m.; Rango (PG) 12:05 p.m., 2:35 p.m., 8:05 p.m. April 20 The Grateful Dead Movie (not rated) 7:30 p.m.; Atlas Shrugged (PG-13) 12:10 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 4:50 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:30 p.m.; The Conspirator (PG-13) 1:05 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 10:15 p.m.; Rio (G) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 1 p.m., 2:20 p.m., 2:50 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8 p.m., 9:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Scream 4 (R) 12:15 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:30 p.m., 2:40 p.m., 4 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 7:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 9:45 p.m., 10:05 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Born to Be Wild 3D (G) 12:45 p.m., 2 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 6 p.m.; Arthur (PG13) 12:30 p.m., 4:15 p.m., 7:10 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Hanna (PG-13) 12:15 p.m., 4 p.m., 7:05 p.m., 9:45 p.m.; Soul Surfer (PG) Noon, 12:30 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 3:05 p.m., 5 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8:05 p.m., 10 p.m.; Your Highness (R) 12:45 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 7:20 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:10 p.m.; Hop (PG) 12:40 p.m., 3:40 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 10 p.m., 12:15 a.m.; Insidious (PG-13) 1:15 p.m., 4:45 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 9:55 p.m.; Source Code (PG-13) 12:25 p.m., 3:20 p.m., 5:40 p.m., 8:10 p.m., 10:35 p.m.; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:20 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 7:40 p.m.; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 10:35 p.m.; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 5:10 p.m., 10:40 p.m.; Win Win (R) 1:20 p.m., 5:20 p.m., 7:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m.; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 5:30 p.m., 10:30 p.m.; Rango (PG) 12:05 p.m., 2:35 p.m., 8:05 p.m.

METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 25


THE

8

BOX TOPS

British comedian Russell Brand hits the jackpot, starring in two of the top three films at the box office for the weekend ending Sunday, April 9. RANK

TITLE

WEEKEND GROSS

TOTAL GROSS

WEEK #

LAST WEEK

1

HOP

$21,696,000

$68,152,000

2

1

2

HANNA

$12,370,000

$12,370,000

1

-

3

ARTHUR

$12,223,000

$12,223,000

1

-

4

SOUL SURFER

$11,100,000

$11,100,000

1

-

5

INSIDIOUS

$9,740,000

$27,097,000

2

3

“Born to be Wild” Sam Eifling

So much cuteness, so little time in latest IMAX offering. The 45-or-so minutes that an IMAX movie devotes to its subjects aren’t enough to delve more than about waist-deep into any topic. This is why you don’t see IMAX documentaries about the financial meltdown or the proliferation of toxic gas wells. Rather, you see movies about “Everest” and “NASCAR” and “Arabia” and “Dolphins and Whales” and “Sharks” and “Bears” and “Mummies,” and they tend to be mind-blowing, immersive snapshots of things that can pacify a theaterload of kids for at least half an hour. Into that tradition comes “Born to Be Wild,” which carries precisely the right amount of message to balance what could easily have been called “Baby Elephants and Adorable Orangutans.” The story follows two animal orphanages, both about 40 years old, both run by extraordinary women who have dedicated their adult lives to nurturing helpless baby animals and then returning them to the wild once they can survive unaided. Morgan Freeman narrates the story, so you know it must be true.

The parallels between the orphanages are striking (and, importantly, allow the film to stay frisky by jumping from one to the other). In Kenya, Daphne Sheldrick, a local by birth, takes in baby elephants whose mothers have been poached. Along with a team of zookeepers who feed the donkeysized pachyderms out of comically oversized baby bottles, Sheldrick oversees their recuperation and socialization into fine upstanding juveniles. Meanwhile, in Borneo,

German-Canadian primatologist Birute Galdikas has over her decades of studying orangutans also built a massive home for young apes left motherless by deforestation. Her intimate knowledge of orangutan development has allowed her to design tasks (e.g., climbing and nestbuilding) to mimic the training they would have received in the jungle. Suffice it that between chopping down rainforests and murdering elephants for their tusks, the human race would come out of this movie looking pretty low indeed if not for these teams of animal caregivers. They sing to baby orangutans. They play soccer with the elephants. The orangutans are especially expressive — they’re basically furry miniature people with lanky arms and agile lips — but the scale of the projection allows us to get eyeball-to-eyeball with the elephants, as well. What we derive over these 40 minutes is a glimpse into animal societies and personalities that would be nearly impossible to capture so well if they were in the wild.

Technically the filmmakers quietly dazzle with some seemingly ungettable shots, not least a series of steady pans upward through the Indonesian forest to follow orangutans scaling the spindly trees. Director David Lickley allows the two orphanage owners and one of the keepers to voice over the footage, but never do we stop for something as dull as a pure interview. There are too many baby apes to bathe, too many elephants to run with. The cuteness abounds. Children will get the score — the animals are in trouble, and they need our help — but really, this one is for parents or anyone else with a soft spot for youngsters in distress. Parents, take your kids. Then take your parents. Sam Eifling is a freelance writer living in Vancouver, British Columbia, where he is working on his master’s at the University of British Columbia’s journalism school. His review of the recent Nic Cage unintentional comedy “Drive Angry,” which appeared in the Arkansas Times, is a must-read.

MOVIE REVIEW 26 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

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Opening Friday, April 15 Drama “The Conspirator,” rated PG-13, starring Robin Wright Penn, James McAvoy, Tom Wilkinson, Evan Rachel Wood, Kevin Kline, Alexis Bledel. Directed by Robert Redford, this historical drama about the aftermath of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination is a movie we never thought would make it to Augusta… except maybe as part of ASU’s film series.

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“Rio,” rated PG, starring Jesse Eisenberg, Wanda Sykes, Jane Lynch, Jamie Foxx, Will I Am, Anne Hathaway, George Lopez, Tracy Morgan. This animated film, packed with celeb voice talent, dares to compare itself to Oscar best-picture nominated “Toy Story 3D.” And while it may make almost as much money at the box office as Woody and Buzz did, it’s difficult to believe that a movie about a parrot learning to fly could make grown men tear up the way the Pixar instant classic did. Note to animated movie producers: Stop trying so hard — you already have a built-in audience.

Horror “Scream 4,” rated R, starring Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courteney Cox, Anna Paquin, Kristen Bell, Hayden Panettiere, Emma Roberts. Most everybody who wasn’t killed off in the first three movies is back for the latest installment in this franchise. Seems like the movie’s makers have also scooped up a veritable Who’s Who of young Hollywood as well, but, 11 years after “Scream 3,” will anyone still care? Hells yeah!

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“Harper’s Island: The Complete Series,” 2009, not rated One season, 13 episodes, 29 bodies. This CBS series about a wedding party stranded on an island is pure cheese. Some deaths, like Harry Hamlin’s Uncle Marty’s in episode one, are played for laughs. Other deaths, such as those of throwaway characters Cal and Chloe in episode 11, turn out to be surprisingly heartbreaking. All 13 episodes, however, will give you the creeps. Don’t ask too many questions or expect the outcome to make much sense; just sit back and enjoy one of the most addictive murder mysteries to hit mainstream TV in a long time.

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45

Amy Christian

ART

Seeing beneath the surface

photos jW

Acclaimed artist Rocio (pronounced Row-CEE-yo) Maldonado may live in Mexico City, one of the largest in the world, but she craves quiet. And though she readily admits to her role as an observer, if you happened to visit her at her home there, you would never, ever find her watching an episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” While most of us consider popular entertainment like that

shallow, Maldonado sees it as even more destructive. “You don’t even see the surface of what you’re looking at — you see what the producers, the people who make it, want you to see. You’re looking at a product. It becomes nothing,” she explained during a recent conversation at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art, where she has taken a break from hanging work for an upcoming show. “You get much more looking at a shell, and not even a whole shell, just a piece. Everything today has to move, and move fast, but it takes a year for nature to change.” Like nature, Maldonado’s work takes a great deal of time and just as much patience. Her graphite on

rice paper drawings are patterns that require layer upon layer of application. Her sculptures are giant shells created with twigs

display in the Museum of Modern Art in New York City, came to the Gertrude Herbert in a roundabout way. Her exhibition is curated by Dr. Teresa Eckmann, assistant professor of contemporary Latin American art history at the University of TexasSan Antonio. Eckmann’s mother Dorothy, also an artist, happens to live in Augusta and has a fiber retrospective show in the CreelHarison Gallery at the same time. “It was a logical connection between the two galleries,” Dorothy Eckmann explained. “I also work with organic materials and natural materials, so it was a nice blend.” Maldonado first met Teresa Eckmann when the professor was working on a book called “NeoMexicanism: Mexican Figurative Painting and Patronage in the 1980s.” Maldonado’s IHOP AYCE Spirit Ad 4.3x5.369 All youwork, can vastly eat from her garden tied together with different from her work of today, was a synthetic form of raffia. Some included in the book as well as an of the twigs even have leaves and exhibit. The two became friends. flower buds still attached. “Teresa will give a gallery talk “All of my work takes a long time [during the exhibit opening],” to do,” Maldonado says. “But it gives Dorothy Eckmann explained. you time to have a thought.” Other drawings of Maldonado’s Maldonado, whose work is on included in the exhibition are studies

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together with the same raffia-like material used in her shell sculptures, lie on the floor of the GHIA exhibit space. Maldonado says they’ll stay during the exhibit so visitors can flip through them. It’s all part of her philosophy of making something out of nothing. Even the paper that contains her shell drawings was found discarded in a hotel kitchen. “I took it because the size was good,” she shrugs. The best description of her work, Maldondo says, came from her son Raul. “I like something my son said about my shells,” she says. “‘It’s twice a life,’ he said. ‘It’s one natural thing trying to be another.’” The seriousness of Maldonado’s work belies the sense of humor this quiet woman has. When talking about her sketchbooks, she says that she and her assistant often joke about going into business selling

“You can see the differences between the Greek ideological and this one,” she says, pointed to a lesssculpted male body. “This is not a gym body.” When discussion of ideas behind her work turns serious again, though, Maldonado seems for a minute at a loss for words. “Aren’t you trying to see something besides the obvious?” Dorothy Eckmann asks. “I think obvious things are not so obvious,” Maldonado responds. “Common sense is not so common.”

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them to giants. When giving a guided tour of her figure drawings, most of which are studies of other artists’ images, she points out the differences between the idealized figures the Greeks portrayed in their works to other, more recent works.

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of shells, the human form and faces, the latter of which can be found in humongous sketchbooks she and her assistant made themselves. These books, decorated with brightly patterned plastic restaurants in Mexico use as tablecloths and tied

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Rocio Maldonado: Resonance Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art Exhibition: April 15-May 27 Opening Reception: April 15, 6-8 p.m. 706-722-5495 ghia.org

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sightings Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Molly Davis, Elizabeth Andrews and Beth Bargeron at the Par 3 Party at the Augusta Common.

Cedric Smith, Donna Briscoe, Angela Jones and Randy Hunter at the Par 3 Party at the the Augusta Augusta Common. Common Cedric Patrick Smith, DavisDonna with Kristina Briscoe, and Angela Keith Jones Rester and at the Randy Rock Hunter Fore! Dough at the after Par 3party Partyat at the The Augusta Country Common Club.

Derrick and Laura Smith with Amanda and Josh Rhoden at the Par 3 Party at the Augusta Common.

Noreen Reese, Amanda Leonard, Mary Moses and Malisa Copenhaver at the Mayor’s Masters Reception at the Augusta Common.

34 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

Jack Hudson, General Tom Hendrix with honoree Larry Mize and Mayor Deke Copenhaver at the Mayor’s Masters Reception at the Augusta Common.

Alexi Owen, Will McKnight, Merelisa Rouzer and Leah Bell at the Masters Golf Tournament at Augusta National.

Robert and Nadria Alicea, Suzanne Cliett and Jeremy Cruba at the Masters Golf Tournament at the Augusta National.

Lisa, Josh, Lindsey and Noah Hudson at the Mayor’s Masters Reception at the Augusta Common.

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Bethann Jenkins, Julie McGee, Kenzie Dicks and Stuart Carter at the Maxim Country Club Party.

Marc Cedric Lynk, Smith, Natalie Donna Richards, Briscoe, Rebecca Angela Powell Jones andand Tyler Randy Fazio at theHunter Rock Fore! at the Dough Par 3concert Party atat the the First Augusta Tee of Common Augusta.

Jamey Lyons, Kim Dennard, Lauren Dennard and Paige Hyman at the Rock Fore! Dough concert at the First Tee of Augusta.

Cedric Maxim Smith, Girl Tif fany Donna Harnes Briscoe, with, American Angela Idol’s JonesTaylor and Randy Hicks and Hunter Erica Anderson at the Par at3the Party Maxim at Party the Augusta at The Country Common Club.

Ashley Timmerman, Carmelita Melecio, Kevin Hefner and Kate Hamlin at Surrey Tavern.

Erin Selby, Robert Tanner and Suzanne Franklin at French Market Grille.

Caitlin Shawver, Natalie Sleister, Kate Bissell and Katie McKagen at the Pizza Joint in Evans.

Jennifer Marshall, Cassie Magill and Mallory Lanier at a Master Mulligan on Monte Sano.

Dee Kelly-Harriott, Russ Saul and Becky Kelly at a Master Mulligan on Monte Sano.

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CRISP

Todd Schafer

CONSIDERING COOKBOOKS I was 13 when I discovered my love of cookbooks. My mother had quite a collection, and they varied from huge tomes like “The Joy of Cooking” and Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” to small, notebook-type cookbooks like “Tea Time at the Masters” and “Betty Crocker.” “The Joy of Cooking” started me on my way to being a chef. It taught me about exotic ingredients, cuts of meat and all the differing cooking techniques, from braising to roasting. The art of French cooking was a complete mystery to me at that age. I had no experience with French food, my mother being either to busy or too confounded to cook Julia’s offerings, and it inspired me to discover all I could about French cuisine.

It sparked my imagination with words like poele, ris de veau and charcuterie. There was a whole other world of cooking out there, and I wanted to find out everything I could about it. The first cookbook I ever bought, at the age of 15, was by Escoffier, the father of modern French cooking. It was completely over my head, but I slogged through it and, in the years to come, especially while I was at the Culinary Institute of America, it proved an invaluable resource. “On Food and Cooking” by Harold Mcgee was required reading at the CIA, and it gave me the science behind cooking. I still refer to it to this day, even though it is somewhat dry and reads like stereo instructions.

Even after all these years, I am still inspired and excited by cookbooks. I still look to them for ideas and inspiration, whether I am cooking dinner at home for three or at the restaurant during Masters for 2,000. I have written countless menus in the last 20 years or so, and cookbooks help me every time. They provide me with ideas on which way to go with an ingredient or a technique that I previously hadn’t thought of. My new favorite is “The Flavor Bible” by Karen Page and Andrew Dornenburg. It is a veritable encyclopedia of ingredient affinities. Does caviar go with cantaloupe? You bet it does, and you can find that pairing in “The Flavor Bible.” I don’t always go for books by famous chefs, but you can’t go wrong with anything by Thomas Keller or Charlie Trotter. I like to call it cookbook porn, because of its incredibly striking images that make you hungry instantly. These books are not for the novice cook because of the intricate techniques and ingredients used, but they help you imagine what food can become when it is at its highest form.

My favorite all-time cookbook author is James Peterson, for his incredibly detailed information on sauces, soups, fish and shellfish and his cuisine-specific book, “Glorious French Food.” For all things sweet, I have only one book to recommend: “Desserts” by Pierre Herme. The man is a genius. It is remarkable to me because it is just his “basic” pastry guide, yet everything in it is flawless. For those of you with a love of cooking, cookbooks will be an invaluable resource of inspiration and guidance. They are the best way to discover your inner chef.

Todd Schafer is the former executive chef and continues to be part owner of Bistro 491 in Surrey Center. He and his family currently live in North Carolina but plan to return to the CSRA in the near future.

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Kevin Hart Laught at My Pain Tour May 14 Sugarland Incredible Machine Tour June 23 Keith Urban Get Closer 2011 World Tour AUGUST 13

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ACROSS 1 Henry II player in “Becket” 7 Something that might get a rise out of people? 13 Clinch 16 Clinch, with “up” 19 Arrange again 20 Suburb of San Diego 21 “Livin’ on a Prayer” band 23 Chinese restaurant offering / Wonderland affair / Group on the left? 25 Indigenous 26 Neo, for one 27 Baltimore specialty / Effortless task / Move on all fours with the belly up 29 Admit 31 Skins, e.g. 32 Ancient city NW of Carthage 36 Most red, maybe 39 Firmly fixed 43 Plunging / Play hooky / Vulgar 47 Scrunchies 51 Tip reducer? 52 Northern flier / Mixer maker / Put on the line 55 Buffoon 56 Lure 58 Idiots 59 “Up to ___,” 1952 game show 60 ___ Hunt, Tom Cruise’s character in “Mission: Impossible” 63 Sénat vote 64 God of shepherds 65 Dials 67 Yellowish brown / Bit of “dumb” humor / Many a forwarded e-mail 72 Hot cider server 74 Seat for toddlers 75 Time, in Torino 76 Indo-___ 80 Item for a mason 81 Previous 84 Idiotic 86 Wonderment 87 Cause of congestion / Detective’s challenge / Loony 90 Style of chicken 93 “Naturally!” 94 Winnie-the-Pooh possession / Baked entree / Sweetie

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49 Times to remember 50 Med. land 53 Cornelius who wrote “A Bridge Too Far” 54 Creature worshiped by the Incas 57 As one 61 Appended 62 Zip 64 101-Across, e.g. 66 Alias initials 68 Bit of homework 69 Actress ___ Flynn Boyle 70 Rub out 71 Stimulating 72 Gladly 73 Old cry of dismay 77 Barks 78 Anticipate 79 Yucatán youth 80 Howe’er

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82 “Treasure Island” inits. 83 Words before any month’s name 84 Fortune profilees, for short 85 “Uh-huh” 88 ___ bono (for whose benefit?: Lat.) 89 “___ Bangs” (Ricky Martin hit) 91 Check, as text 92 Bklyn. ___ 95 Kind of power, in math 98 Outs 99 Speech blocker 101 One going into a drive 103 Hall’s partner 104 Santa ___ 105 Bugged 106 They take vids 107 ___ plaisir 108 “Oh, pooh!” 109 Butcher’s trimmings 110 Soulful Redding 111 Slime 112 Venezuela’s Chávez 113 Colonial land: Abbr. 115 Rose’s beau 116 ___ Bay (Manhattan area) 117 Sp. titles 120 But: Lat. 121 Some evidence

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xclusive


Ball

Matt Lane

Schedule

*All times are tentative and subject to change.*

Perfect Timing We start off in crunch time for high school baseball, as teams across the two-state area look to solidify their post-season status. But before we talk about the game to watch, let’s acknowledge the best in the area: Thomson and Aquinas. Both are itching to return deep into the playoffs like last year and see if this year’s edition of their teams can finally take them over the top.

Cumpton Returns Home

Thursday, April 14 Greenbrier vs. South Effingham, 5 p.m. Grovetown at Thomson, 6 p.m. Friday, April 15 Harlem vs. Josey, 5 p.m. Evans at Statesboro, 6 p.m. Aquinas vs. Twiggs County, 5 p.m. Burke County vs. Butler, 5 p.m.

Brandon Cumpton returns to Augusta as a member of the West Virginia Power, the Pittsburgh Pirates Class A affiliate, who take on the Augusta GreenJackets April 15-18 for a four-game series. Cumpton finished strong at Greenbrier, leading them to back-to-back state titles his junior and senior years. He then went on to Georgia Tech, where he played three seasons before being taken in the ninth round by the Pirates in last year’s draft.

Saturday, April 16 Grovetown at Evans, noon Greenbrier vs. Marist, 1 p.m. Lakeside vs. Effingham County, 3 p.m. North Augusta at Midland Valley, 1 p.m.

Game to Watch

Monday, April 18 Aquinas at Hephzibah, 5 p.m. South Aiken vs. Brookland-Cayce, 7 p.m.

Greenbrier hosts South Effingham on Thursday, April 14. After dropping the earlier match-up against the Mustangs by a score of 4-1, the Wolfpack continued a brief cold spell at the plate for a few games with their once red-hot bats that saw them routinely score in the double digits with ease. Greenbrier sets their sights on redemption to stay atop the Region 2B-AAAA rankings, a sub-region that could become fiercely competitive quickly.

P O T

Tuesday, April 19 Aquinas vs. Hancock Central, 5 p.m. South Aiken vs. White Knoll, 7 p.m. North Augusta at Aiken, 7 p.m. Wednesday, April 20 Aquinas at Washington-Wilkes, 5 p.m.

5 1. Thomson 2. Greenbrier 3. Aquinas 4. South Aiken 5. Evans

Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown, which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-TalkSports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@ gmail.com.

40 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

Also receiving votes: North Augusta, Burke County, Harlem, Westside, Silver Bluf f.

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earDRUM Welcome Back It feels so good to be back in print after a little layoff. I’d like to thank everyone at the new Metro Spirit for giving me the chance to continue writing about one of my true passions in life — local music and, specifically, the symbiotic relationship between the artists/ bands/DJs that make up our local music scene and the ever-expanding downtown Augusta entertainment district. I’ll try to keep you updated about upcoming shows at various venues and give you my take on things I see and hear along the way. Represent, represent: Augusta has become quite the concert town lately, with lots of big acts performing here recently. On vacation last week I picked up a brochure for the Savannah Music

Festival and noticed that their headliners included, among others, Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings, The Avett Brothers, Wycliffe Gordon and Band of Horses. Three out of four is not too bad and I’m working on bringing BOH to Augusta, too, I promise. Augusta’s own music and arts festival, Westobou, is lining up a similarly top-notch program for this year. You can stay tuned for the full lineup here: westoboufestival.com. See ya downtown! — Coco Rubio Coco Rubio owns downtown’s The Soul Bar, as well as Sky City. To contact him, email coco@soulbar.com. Passionate About Music Augusta, to me, is a city passionate about music. While

many who read the Metro Spirit have either been to or read about concerts I’ve booked and promoted here over the last five years, I still enjoy telling the story of what led me to promoting concerts and eventually bringing shows to Augusta. In 2003, I lived in Montgomery, Alabama. I lamented the fact that no one booked rock acts in there at all, so I took it upon myself to figure out how in the heck one went about doing so. As I began to have some relative success, agents often pushed me to work with their acts in other markets. Fast forward to 2006, for my 30somethingth birthday at the Tabernacle in Atlanta. An agent friend was kind enough to ask Live Nation to put me on their guest list for Disturbed that night. I was chatting with radio and label friends between sets when I was introduced to 95 Rock’s program director, Chuck Williams. After I listed some of the acts that I was working with at the time, Chuck made the pitch for me to start booking shows in Augusta. He

gave me his card and later told me he assumed he would never hear from me. But the following Monday, I called to ask him how a HinderTheory of a Deadman show would do on a Tuesday in Augusta. Chuck put me in touch with one of the owners of The Mission at the time, Joe White, and we ended up having a near sold-out show! I was hooked. I immediately fell in love with Augusta and have since booked some of my favorite shows of my promoting career in Augusta, acts such as Deftones, Cage the Elephant, Dinosaur Jr., Hinder, Buckcherry and many more. I’ve watched the live music scene grow in Augusta over these last five years and consider myself very fortunate to have developed working relationships and, more importantly, friendships with people such as Chuck and his lovely wife, Sandy, Matt, Jordan, Troy, Sanj and Sam at 95 Rock, Steven Uhles, Coco Rubio and staff at Sky City, Jason, Lewis, Alex et.al. at The Country Club, Charlie and Dakota at Coyote’s, Jonathan at Rock Bottom Music and, of course, my publisher.

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As long as you will continue to support the shows, I plan on bringing the best new artists from all over the world that I can find and also increase my efforts to getting bigger acts and from more diverse genres. Thank you for five years of tremendous support! — Steve Hall Steve Hall has become one of the most sought after music promoters in the Augusta area, and is responsible for much of the growth he’s seen in the area’s live music scene. Family Chemistry I watched Augusta band Sibling String open Rock Fore! Dough during Master’s Week and grinned the whole time. Jacob Beltz and the guys owned their moment with an inspiring set of original tunes that left many in attendance suitably impressed. Their music deftly combines styles in a way that I predict could open them up to a broad demographic of music lovers. Folksy and soulful with a taste for the slow burn coupled with occasional bursts of bombast. That’s what they achieve with confident, beautiful songwriting by

Beltz and a unique sonic footprint unusual for a rock band (double bass, violin, acoustic guitar, electric guitar and drums). In addition to a scheduled appearance at yet another highprofile show (aside from RFD, the band also appeared at last year’s 12 Bands of Christmas) with BanjoB-Que in late May, they have scheduled appearances at Tipsey McStumbles in Aiken on April 21, The Blue Horse on April 22 and The Playground on April 23. They also hold court most Wednesdays at Joe’s Underground. After this upcoming spate of shows, the band will be slowing down their tour of Augusta to focus on a full-length recording. If the results contain half the musical magic of their live performance this past Masters Week, it will be very special indeed. — Brian Allen Brian Allen has been a staple behind the skins since 1987 in bands including Neato Torpedo, Debt of Nature, Turtleneck, Hellblinki Sextet, 48 Volt and American Skin, just to name a few.

The end of the Avetts… as I know them, at least Amy Christian I fell hard for the Avett Brothers back in 2006. It was love at first listen when I happen to come across their song “Talk on Indolence,” which was included in a music magazine’s compilation CD. Not normally a bluegrass fan, I had ignored a friend’s recommendation but popped the CD in when I recognized their name. What I heard was unlike anything I had experienced before. The Avetts are to bluegrass what the Pogues were to Irish music, which is to say just a little bit mixed in with a whole lot of other stuff and a punkreminiscent attitude. So I changed my mind about attending a local show that was coming up and, again, it was love at first sight. It helped that I was in the front row, witnessing the numerous broken banjo strings, the guitar throwing, the banshee wails and the writhing around on the ground that

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made up an adrenaline-drenched Avett Brothers bar show. That was it for me. I was in the first stages of a love affair — you know what I mean. When you almost become obsessed with anything and everything that has to do with your beloved. I listened to them constantly, sought out nearby shows, read everything in every magazine I could find. It’s been a great five years filled with lots of good memories. The two times my daughter got to meet Scott Avett, one of which is memorialized in a picture of the three of us giving thumbs up to the camera with ridiculously goofy grins on our faces. The times I interviewed members of the band, everyone but Seth. I still have the tiny cassette tape with the recording of my hour-long conversation with Scott for a story I did about them before their Imperial Theatre show in 2007. I still take it out and look at it from time to time,

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but I haven’t listened to it since then. Lately, however, I feel that we have been growing apart. Their live shows, always characterized by immediacy, infectious energy, spontaneity and a strong sense of connection between the performers and the audience, have become more and more sanitized as they play bigger and bigger venues. Their latest show, on March 27 at the Bell, was technically almost flawless and, to me, that was one of the reasons I just didn’t enjoy it very much. In fact, I came away from that show so disillusioned that I think I might have to break up with my three boys from North Carolina. There was nothing really wrong with the show, I guess. It was great by another band’s standards. But by Avett Brothers standards? It was OK. The between-song banter with the crowd seemed pre-rehearsed and disingenuous. Even Scott, the one member of the group who always seemed to enjoy and even crave interaction with fans during shows, seemed remote. Hell, he hardly even opened his eyes most of the time and barely smiled. What happened? Was it them or was it me? I can’t fault them for focusing on their newer material — they actually opened with my daughter’s favorite, “Kick Drum Heart” — since they also included older favorites like “Hard Worker.” But during the latter song, a d-bag wearing a polo shirt (no popped collar, surprisingly) and flip-flops leaned over and yelled at my husband, “What album is this on?” Really, dude? I’m not an original Avetts fan; I haven’t been with them from the start. But I know enough to realize that I liked them better when it was just a stage, rather than a team of security personnel, separating the band from the fans. I still love the songs and will probably continue to see them live as much as I can. But it’s just not the same anymore. But don’t worry, guys; it’s not you, it’s me. Well, actually, I guess it is you.

metrospirit.com

Blues music series is anything but a downer Amy Christian For many, blues music conjures up images of wailing guitars and plaintive voices, performers singing of lost love, dead-end jobs, failing health and tough times. As the name of the genre implies, the music can be kind of a downer. So it’s fitting that this year’s version of a popular music series in Columbia County called Blues, Brews and BBQ begins on tax day, April 15 because, other than giving their money to the feds, it doesn’t seem like the folks living out that way have much grief to wallow in. The most it seems they can usually complain about is the traffic. According to county Community Events Specialist Keela Fruehling, the music has a surprising effect on the crowds who have flocked to the series since it began in 2009. “It’s very popular and it’s actually one of my favorite events,” Fruehling said. “It’s a really good

energy out there. It’s music that anyone can enjoy.” This year, North Carolina group Trunk Junkies opens the series with its mix of Southern rock, country and blues. Fronted by Mark Curtis, their song “Picnic Blues” should go over well at this event given that participants will be treated to food from Edmunds Barbecue as they listen. “We’ve got some really good bands this year,” Fruehling said. “It’s that type of music you can really get into.” The series continues on April 22, with music by Columbia, S.C.’s The Kenny George Band and food from Red Oak Manor, and concludes on April 29 with music by local band Tommy OD and the Survivors and food from Shane’s Rib Shack. And because participants will need something to wash the music and the food down with, Evans’ Vineyard

Wine Market will provide drinks. “Vineyard selling beer and wine,” she explained. “Vineyard has a unique selection of beers; they have beers that I’ve never even heard of.” It is this combination of music, food and drinks that Fruehling said ensures that participants leave feeling good. “It is laid back in that everybody has their lawn chairs, but it’s also fun and carefree,” she said. “Everyone has a little drink in their hands, so it’s a good, entertaining atmosphere out there.” Blues, Brews and BBQ Columbia County Amphitheatre Fridays, April 15, 22 and 29 7 p.m. $5 706-312-7192 columbiacountyga.gov

METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 43


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Party People. We ran into some IT issues as we were laying down the text for our new Nightclub Listing page. One computer wouldn’t talk to another computer. We have 45 minutes to finish the paper and send it to the printer‌ or no paper. Sooooo. Executive decision. Head to metrospirit.com and we will have the listings there. In the meantime, here are some pictures of Waffle House.

46 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

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One of the best storytellers I have ever heard, and definitely one of the most hilarious, Larry Miller delivers each week with the appropriately titled podcast, This Week with Larry Miller. It is one of the many top-rated podcasts on the Ace Broadcasting Network, owned and operated by Adam Carolla. At first, the name Larry Miller might not ring a bell, but as soon as you see his picture you’ll say, “Hey, I know that guy!” Larry has been in tons of movies and TV shows — 107 to be exact. The Nutty Professor movies, “Necessary Roughness,” “Seinfeld,” “Pretty Woman,” “Suburban Commando,” “Bee Movie”… the list goes on and on. It’s funny; in a majority of his roles, Larry plays the smarmy character, the jerk, and that couldn’t be further from the way he is in his personal life. He is probably one of the sweetest guys you would ever want to meet. Larry has been a well-known stand-up comic and actor for over 20 years, and that basically provides the content of his show. He has a story for everything and a story about everyone. If you bring up Milton Berle, he will tell you about the time he used the bathroom right next to Milton and declined on taking a sneak peek at the goods. If you talk about Atlanta, Larry will tell you that Atlanta is the biggest drinking city in the United States. He’s been around. As Larry lets you know, he has a wonderful life. Loves his wife, adores his kids and realizes just how fortunate he is. This is where this particular podcast separates itself.

In tone, the laughs aren’t at other’s expense… they usually are at his. Larry has a sincere approach. He doesn’t complain about working 14-hour days, having to rush around

from city to city, leaving his family at home or missing his kids’ baseball games. As Larry puts it, “It comes with the job.” But mostly, Larry makes you laugh each week. It basically works this way: Sit in front of open mic and talk for 30 minutes about whatever pops in your head. That’s it; he talks. It feels intimate, as if you both are sitting there enjoying a glass of scotch together, shooting the breeze. For the side of Hollywood that you would hear from your best friend, download This Week with Larry Miller. I recommend “Larry Hits Level Five!” to find out the wonders of the “fivefecta.” Matt Stone is webmaster for Beasley Broadcast and can be heard weekdays from 3-7 p.m. on 95 ROCK.

METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 47


dark AFTER

Brittney James

Master’s Week, otherwise known as Spring Break for 45-year-old men with money, came to an end Sunday and most of the golf fans left Sunday night or first thing Monday morning tired, hung over and spent. I had the good fortune of working in nightclubs and private hospitality houses around Augusta. Since I was asked to keep a journal by MS, here is a random compilation of things I witnessed first-hand. Prostitutes. Tons of prostitutes. All these men want to do is eat, drink, watch golf and get laid. And party. I saw a Playmate-looking one working the tables at a local seafood joint. At a chain bar and grill, one particularly inebriated working girl was being ushered around by her

handler, a fat, curly haired “lady.” As I approached the table to drop off drinks, the gentleman sitting there pointedly asked, “Honey, are you asking us for sex for money?” Oops. A pretty girl in a tight dress can make thousands a night during the Masters. The real partying starts on Wednesday. I was working a hospitality tent just off the National. A 60ish gentleman from Columbus, Ohio, on his birthday trip to the Masters paid for by his buddies, opted to stay in the tent and talk to me as opposed to going to the tournament he had flown to Augusta to see! He was chain smoking and drinking beer after beer. Wednesday was his only

chance to go. He was flying out in the morning. His buddies tried to goad him into leaving and going to the course but they eventually gave up and left him with me. I actually enjoyed him. He made great conversation. And like a lot of the out-of-town men I met Masters Week, you can actually have a conversation without them hitting on you. They are probably surrounded by beautiful women all the time so it’s not like they are on hallowed ground with me. (I know how that must sound, but sorry… it’s the truth.) First he tells me he owns a produce company. WTF does a “produce company” even do? Then he tells me he also owns a high-end strip club in downtown Columbus, Ohio. He put his 25-year-old girlfriend through law school. He told me he knows it’s all about the money but he certainly didn’t care. He says he tells her, “I don’t care what you do when you go out. You can wear the outfit I bought for you. You can stay out until 5 a.m. for all I care. As long as you come home to me, I don’t care.”

He has a personal masseuse come over to his house every Thursday for his-and-her massages. And no drugs. No hooking. He doesn’t care what his girls do when they leave his club, but while they are there its first class all the way. It’s insane the things you learn Masters Week. Back in the club, one European was yelling at me above the music, “Where can I get the blow?!” Friday night was insane. Shoulder to shoulder. Made a bucketful of money. Some of the local girls are paid to walk around and flirt. I received three serious job offers, over 20 business cards with promises to move me to all corners of the earth, but the very worst thing that happened to me was on Sunday. In the hospitality house a patron was complimenting me for being courteous. “Look at that smile! You’re a Georgia Peach!” Ugh. Brittney James is an Augusta bartender and F&B warrior. Her journal will appear occasionally in the MS.

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CLUB LISTINGS 209 on the River facebook.com/group Applebee’s applebees.com Club Argos myspace.com/clubargos Club Rehab facebook.com/pages/Club-Rehab-inAugusta-Ga/325338301013

Cotton Patch eatdrinkbehappy.com Country Club augustacountry.com Crums on Central crumsoncentral.com Doubletree Hotel doubletree.hilton.com Fox’s Lair thefoxslair.com French Market Grille West frenchmarketwest.com Helga’s Pub & Grille facebook.com/group Joe’s Underground facebook.com/pages/JoesUnderground/

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The Contenders H av e B e e n C h o s e n .

LET THE BATTLE BEGIN. Each week two B.O.T.B. contenders will face off. Try both flavors and then vote for your favorite. Each week’s winner will move on in our bracket until the last flavor standing is our 2011 Champion!

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METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 51


advice goddess Amy Alkon

The Larva of the Party I love to dress up and go socialize with people. My boyfriend, however, can only smile friendly and chitchat for about 20 minutes before he seats himself in some corner and starts reading the host’s books. Last time we went to a dinner party, I found him alone in a room petting the owner’s dog! I do introduce him around and encourage him to be more outgoing. I think if he’d just make more of an effort to talk to people, he’d have a better time. He says he’s not miserable but just can’t do this social stuff for long. I love having him with me, even though he’s kind of not actually with me. So, can it work with a self-proclaimed introvert and a party girl? — Social Butterfly It’s a party! You’re in your element, making the rounds, meeting tons of new people, racking up invites to parties after the party,

and your boyfriend’s, well, probably in that little crawl space under the host’s stairs. Sartre once said, “Hell is other people at breakfast.” An introvert sees no reason to narrow it down to a particular time of day. My own introvert boyfriend is charming and fun one on one, but his favorite kind of party is one that’s canceled, and his preferred RSVP would be something Ving Rhames said on the set of “Out of Sight”: “I don’t want to talk to anybody I don’t already know.” Ever since Freud decided (sans evidence) that introverts were repressed, narcissistic trolls under the bridge, extraversion has been considered the ideal and introverts have been seen as socially stunted. Introversion is also wrongly conflated with shyness, but shyness is fear- and shame-based — quite different from seeing no reason to

say anything to strangers unless you or they are on fire. More and more, research points to a strong biological basis for personality. Brain imaging shows distinct differences in introverts and extraverts. Studies by neuroscientist Debra L. Johnson and others found that extraverts, who get energized from external stimulation like meeting new people, have increased blood flow to rear areas of the brain for sensory processing (like listening, touching, watching). Introverts, who tend to be more pensive and introspective, and are easily overwhelmed by too much external stimulation, showed more blood flow altogether (indicating more internal stimulation) over more complicated pathways, with more activity in frontal regions for inward tasks like problem-solving, reasoning and remembering. Put that together with a Chinese study adding evidence

that introverts get socked with a higher level of cortical arousal from stimuli, and you get the idea that urging introverts to be more outgoing is a bit like urging scissors to be more like a stapler. So, can it work between you and a boyfriend who probably researches the host’s wallpaper so he can dress to blend into the background? Well, maybe — if you’re independent enough to show up to most events without him as Your Date™. There will, of course, be times when it means something to you to have him there, and the compromise then is his to make. Be sensitive to his feelings, try to get there early (when the houseplant-to-guest ratio is greatest), and be okay with him eventually slinking off to read “The Life History of the Dung Beetle” or talking to the dog (who’s sometimes the most interesting person at the party).

putting your dogs between you and these guys. It is easier to have a “relationship” when conversation is “Woof,” “Sit” and “Treat?” instead of “So why do you think you have issues with intimacy?” It’s possible you’re just one of those intense dog people, like the woman who had her French poodle’s headstone inscribed “Disappointed by humans, never by my dog.” Well, okay. But I bet she never had a boyfriend who peed on the rug, chewed her expensive shoes

and licked up his own vomit.

Must Love Dogs in Bed The guy I’m dating says it’s “disgusting” and “troubling” that I let my dogs sleep in the bed with us, and he refuses to stay over unless they sleep on the floor. Trust me, this is not a simple matter of buying my dogs a nice dog bed, but a matter of an otherwise great guy not understanding or respecting my relationship with them. (This happened with the last two guys I’ve dated.) — Two-Dog Night

A guy can respect that your dogs are important to you and still feel that the ideal bedmate isn’t something that spent the evening licking a dead squirrel and then going around sniffing all its friends’ butts. If your priorities are such that you’d kick a great guy out of bed before you’d roust a Great Dane, you’d better understand and accept that you’re narrowing your choice of men. You might consider whether you have some ulterior motive for

Rolf Holmquast, Sagittarius “My bat box I built out of recycled barn wood.”

what’re you

LOOKING

©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email adviceamy@aol.com. Also visit advicegoddess.com and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).

George Eskala, Libra “An idiot over here [his cameraman].”

at?

52 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

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free will Rob Brezsny

a s t r o l o g y freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In her blog, Jane at janebook.tumblr. com answers questions from readers. A recent query went like this: “Who would win in a steel cage match, Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny?” Jane said, “Easter Bunny, no question; he has those big-ass teeth.” But I’m not so sure. My sources say that Santa has more raw wizardry at his disposal than the Bunny. His magical prowess would most likely neutralize the Bunny’s superior physical assets. Likewise, Aries, I’m guessing you will have a similar edge in upcoming steel cage matches — or any other competitions in which you’re involved. These days you’ve simply got too much mojo to be defeated. Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“Dear Rob: Last January you predicted that 2011 might be the best year ever for us Bulls to commune with the invisible realms and get closer to the Source of All Life. And I have been enjoying the most amazing dreams ever. I’ve had several strong telepathic experiences and have even had conversations with the spirit of my dead grandmother. But that God character remains achingly elusive. Can’t I just have a face-to-face chat with his/ her Royal Highness? — Impatient Taurus.” Dear Taurus: The coming weeks will be one of the potentially best times in your life to get up close and personal with the Divine Wow. For best results, empty your mind of what that would be like. Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I was reading about how fantasy writer Terry Pratchett made his own sword using “thunderbolt iron” from a meteorite. It made me think how that would be an excellent thing for you to do. Not that you will need it to fight off dragons or literal bad guys. Rather, I suspect that creating your own sword from a meteorite would strengthen and tone your metrospirit.com

mental toughness. It would inspire you to cut away trivial wishes and soul-sucking influences that may seem interesting but aren’t really. It might even lead you to rouse in yourself the zeal of a knight on a noble quest — just in time for the arrival of an invitation to go on a noble quest. Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Over the years I have on several occasions stood at a highway exit ramp with a handmade cardboard sign that reads, “I love to help; I need to give; please take some money.” I flash a wad of bills and offer a few dollars to drivers whose curiosity impels them to stop and engage me. I’ve always been surprised at how many people hesitate to accept my gift. Some assume I have a hidden agenda; others think I’m crazy. Some are even angry and shout things like, “Go home, you freak!” If a comparable experience comes your way anytime soon, Cancerian, I urge you to lower your suspicions. Consider the possibility that a blessing is being offered to you with no strings attached. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“Nearly all men can stand adversity,” said Abraham Lincoln, “but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” According to my analysis of the astrological omens, that thought will have extra meaning for you in the coming weeks. So far in 2011, you have gotten passing grades on the tests that adversity has brought you. But now come the trickier trials and tribulations. Will your integrity and impeccability stand up strong in the face of your waxing clout and influence?

start a blazing fire in a fireplace and throw in the photos of all the supposedly attractive people you used to be infatuated with even though you now realize that they were unworthy of your smart love. In other words, Virgo, it is a perfect moment to destroy symbols of things that have drained your energy and held you back. There’s an excellent chance this will provide a jolt of deliverance that will prime further liberations in the coming weeks.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The style of dance known as the samba seems to have its origins in the semba, an old Angolan dance in which partners rub their navels together. In the African Kimbundu language, semba also means “pleasing, enchanting,” and in the Kikongo tongue it denotes “honoring, revering.” In accordance with the astrological omens, I invite you Libras to bring the spirit of semba to your life. Use your imagination as you dream up ways to infuse your intimate exchanges with belly-to-belly reverence and enchantment. Be serpentine and worshipful. Be wild and sublime. Bestow your respectful care with all your slinky wiles unfurled. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

In the Philippines, there is a geographic anomaly I want to call your attention to: a volcanic island in a lake that’s on a volcanic island in a lake that’s on an island. Can you picture that? Vulcan Point is an island in Crater Lake, and Crater Lake is on Volcano Island, and Volcano Island is in Lake Taal, and Lake Taal is on the island of Luzon. It’s confusing — just as your currently convoluted state is perplexing, both to you and those around you. You could be aptly described as fiery earth within cool water within fiery earth within cool water within fiery earth. Whether that’ll be a problem, I don’t know yet. Are you OK with containing so much paradox? Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

It would be a good week for you to assemble a big pile of old TVs you bought for $5 apiece at a thrift store and run over them with a bulldozer. It would also be a favorable time to

of sparrows swirling toward a tangerine cloud at dusk? Are you skilled at giving gifts that surprise and delight others? When your heart isn’t sure what it feels, do you sing songs that help you transcend the need for certainty? Have you learned what your body needs to feel healthy? Do you know any jokes you could tell to ease the passing of a dying elder? Have you ever kissed a holy animal or crazy wise person or magic stone?

For the Navajo, the quality of your life isn’t measured by your wealth or status, but by whether you “walk in beauty.” It’s an excellent time, astrologically speaking, for you to evaluate yourself from that perspective. Do you stop to admire a flock

“He who wants to do good knocks at the gate,” says Bengali poet Rabindranath Tagore in one of his “Stray Bird” poems, while “he who loves finds the gate open.” I agree completely. That’s why I advise you, as you get ready to head off to your next assignment, not to be burning with a no-nonsense intention to fix things. Rather, be flowing with the desire to offer whatever gifts and blessings are most needed. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“Once bread becomes toast, it can never become bread again.” Today I saw that piece of wisdom scrawled on the wall of a cafe’s restroom. I immediately thought of you. Metaphorically speaking, you’re thinking about dropping some slices in the toaster, even though you’re not actually ready to eat yet. If it were up to me, you would wait a while before transforming the bread into toast — until your hunger got ratcheted up to a higher level. The problem is, if you make the toast now, it’ll be unappetizing by the time your appetite reaches its optimum levels. That’s why I suggest putting the bread back in the bag. For the moment, refrain from toasting. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t try so hard, Pisces. Give up the struggle. As soon as you really relax, your subconscious mind will provide you with simple, graceful suggestions about how to outwit the riddle. Notice I just said you will be able to “outwit the riddle.” I didn’t say you will “solve the riddle.” Big difference. Outwitting the riddle means you won’t have to solve it, because you will no longer allow it to define the questions you’re asking or the answers you’re seeking.

METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11 53


austin R

H

O

D

E

S

Tweet First, Ask Questions Later After showing the world how the decision to “embrace technology” is advancing the participation and appreciation of golf worldwide last week, the Augusta National caught an errant drive to the back of the head, via Twitter of all things. After a low-level, tournamentweek security guard (a female security guard, no less) mistakenly denied locker room access to Bergen Record [New Jersey] sports columnist Tara Sullivan Sunday night, she takes to her Twitter account and broadslaps (as opposed to broadcasts) the following: “Bad enough no women members at Augusta. But not allowing me to join writers in locker room interview is just wrong.” Sullivan explained in a followup column (hours after the Tweet) thusly: “We walked into the clubhouse

and followed as McIlroy made his way to the locker room. At the final portion of the hallway, the one that ended at the locker room door, I was told by a female security officer that I was not allowed in. “That was it. “Rather than disrupt the deadline efforts of my working colleagues, I stopped there. I looked around for any official Masters representative, but didn’t see anyone. I asked the security woman again why they had such a policy, and she told me it was because there was an open bathroom area in the locker room. My response was, ‘yes, just like all of the pro locker rooms I routinely go into.’ “She apologized for the rule, saying it was not her policy, while insisting that the male security guard at the next doorway would bar me also.”

54 METRO SPIRIT 4.14.11

What followed was a minimeltdown in the tabloids and on the web, and about a gazillion inaccurate posts from all over the world complaining about Augusta National  policy on everything from golf equipment to pimento cheese. I am told the McIlroy locker room exchange lasted  just a few minutes, which means whatever kind of “search for relief ” from a tournament official Sullivan undertook must also have been quite brief.  Rather than personally seek out Media Director Steve Ethun, a man whose cell phone number is in every Masters media guide and at the bottom of every single email he sends to credentialed media, Sullivan decides to misrepresent tournament policy to the world via Twitter. There are some people who are hard to find on Sunday night of Masters week; Steve Ethun is not one of those people.   The man answers his phone whenever it rings, 24 hours a day. I know that because I have called it. But Ethun did in fact speak with the columnist about the mistake, as she later explained in the same piece: “Shortly after I tweeted what had happened, I also approached the media desk for an official reaction. An apology was translated to me shortly after, and before long, Ethun met with me personally.

“‘I apologize,’ he said. ‘It was a complete misunderstanding by tournament-week security and you should have rightfully been given access per the standard practices of major sporting events.’” I am not going to suggest Sullivan has an agenda.  I am not going to make the accusation that she was using the security guard’s mistake to make herself the sideshow story of the day for Sportscenter.  I am not going to bring up the point that using the episode to beat the dead horse that is the debate over gender-exclusive organizations would be silly.  I am not even going to call the woman an “ingrate” for accepting the incredible service and hospitality shown to all members of the media (stars and working stiffs alike) at the Masters, and then pitching a fit when something didn’t go just right. However, I am going to say something much worse:  Sunday night, Tara Sullivan was a sloppy journalist. She allowed her emotions to cloud her journalistic integrity because she didn’t ask questions of the right people. She made erroneous assumptions and published them. Those assumptions would have been cleared up in a microsecond had she just taken the time to do her damn job.

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