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Weekly Fun
COPLEY’S COLUMN
What I really want to know is whether there is a definitive date to start trimming up for Christmas. My childhood memories suggest that at school it is the week before breaking up and at home no earlier than the middle of December. However, it now A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking seems that the large department stores trim up in early Novemher faithful aged poodle named ber, invoking the Christmas Cuddles, along spirit, and presumably spending for the company. power, by constantly playing One day the poodle starts chasChristmas carols non stop. ing butterflies and before long, The minute New Years Day Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. has gone; they then begin to Wandering about, he notices a concentrate on Easter, although leopard heading rapidly in his with not quite the same vim direction with the intention of and vigour. Perish the day having lunch. when we have inflicted on us that very ‘local feel’ hymn The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Notic- ‘There is a Greenhill Far Away’ ing some bones on the ground to encourage the sale of Easter close by, he immediately settles eggs in stores from early Janudown to chew on the bones with ary. Another important factor his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap to be taken into consideration is that when I was a child, if the old poodle exclaims loudly, Mum had forgotten to get the “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any traditional flatulence inducing more around here?” sprouts and only realised it on Christmas morning, it was Hearing this, the young leopard hard luck. Now, of course, we halts his attack in mid-strike, a have many shops owned by look of terror comes over him non-Christian people who are and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That only too happy to serve us on was close! That old poodle nearly Christmas Day. I feel desperately sorry for had me!” billionaire golfer Tiger Woods, Meanwhile, a monkey who had having the inconvenience of been watching the whole scene having no rear window on one from a nearby tree, figures he can of his sponsored cars, having put this knowledge to good use had them smashed with his and trade it for protection from own sponsored golf clubs by a the leopard. So off he goes, but wife with obviously no sense the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, of humour. I would have been
ALBERT SNODGRASS
more sympathetic if she had used one of her own possessions such as a rolling pin or the vacuum cleaner. Women these days just do not know their place. Had he not been probably the most famous man on the planet, and had been a caddie at Augusta instead of the main attraction, she would not have given him a second glance. Poor Tiger, in order to keep his family in the fabulous lifestyle, has to travel the world constantly, missing out on the comforts of family life. Who can blame him, therefore, if he is offered some creature comforts from stunning looking young girls, if he avails himself of the opportunity? After all, top level golf is not only very competitive, but also stressful, so the poor man should have the best stress relief known to man, and if his admittedly attractive wife is not at hand to administer it, and there are a few stunners only too happy, then I say ‘Go for it Tiger’ For some feminists to suggest that he changes his name from Tiger to Cheetah is outrageous, and after his unfortunate bump in the car, he will for ever have to shoulder the joke about his putting being better than his driving. The poor man had to make a public grovelling apology, presumably on the advice of his accountant. Having been confined to barracks with the trapped nerve in my neck, I fought the pain barrier to resume my marvellous social life for three days
on the trot. On Thursday, I was anxious to review a brand new band, The Score’ which consists of Brendan Garrity on rhythm guitar and lead vocals, his stunningly attractive girlfriend Hayley on vocals, Keel on drums and my old mate Pete Morgan on bass guitar. They were appearing at the White Swan in Dronfield, an excellent hostelry, and I had arranged to have a drink with Sunny Daye, one of the better acts on the circuit, and she was a bit late going to another White Swan. However, she eventually arrived and agreed with me that the band were very good. Bev and Ray have guaranteed themselves a busy Thursday night in January by booking Sunny, who manages to fill every venue that she appears in, so talented is this lovely lass. On, Friday, it was another full house at another top pub, The Park Hotel on Wadsley Lane, where Vincent performed his Neil Diamond tribute to a happy knowledgeable audience. He was absolutely fantastic as usual. We visited another favourite pub of mine on Saturday night to see my very favourite band Junkyard Dog. The landlord, Andrew, got good value for money as The Score performed during the interval and there were guest appearances by two exceptionally talented singers, Emma Taylor and Mick Birk HOWARD COPLEY
and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of the story... Don’t mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BullS**t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Across
Down
8) Unrealistic theorist (8)
2) Systematic teaching (6)
9) Thoughtful (11)
3) Royal Residence (7, 6)
11) Knock out (4)
4) Cold keeping (13)
12) Arrange (8)
5) Cereal protein (6)
13) Horseless carriage (5, 3)
6) Demand (3)
15) Masticate (4)
10) Assess (9)
16) Acute awareness (11)
14) Key (6)
18) Railway station (8)
15) Beware (6)
19) Dry (4)
17) Torn shred (6)
7) Wheel spindle (4)
1) Illegal demand (9)
Last Week’s Solutions ACROSS: 6) Mix, 7) Harlequin, 9) Therapeutic, 11) Sweep, 12) Pelican, 14) Creator, 15) Crepe, 17) Conspicuous, 19) Hairpiece, 20) Pin. DOWN: 1) Light work, 2) Happy, 3) Albumen, 4) Equilibrium, 5) Rip, 8) Freemasonry, 10) Tarpaulin, 13) Worship, 16) Winch, 18) Yak.
ON SALE THIS WEEK! WESTLIFE
Pop royalty Westlife celebrate their triumphant return to the top of the charts with the announcement of their first live concerts in two years, returning to Sheffield Arena on Sunday 9th May 2010. Tickets, priced £38 (subject to booking fee) go on sale at 9am on Friday 11th December. Revered for their spectacular live shows, created with visionary William Baker (Kylie, Leona, Bjork) Westlife are thrilled to be returning to the stage two years since their last concert tour. The show will include fan favorites, the band’s biggest hits and brand new tracks taken from their first new album in two years, ‘Where We Are,’ released November 30th 2009. Westlife are among the world’s most prolific touring acts, with eight sell out world tours already under their belts. Their most recent concert tour, 2008’s ‘Back Home Tour’ visited arenas across the UK and New Zealand, culminating in stadium shows in Ireland, including a sell out show at the legendary Croke Park in Dublin. On the show’s arrival at London’s Wembley Arena, it was declared that the boys had sold more tickets at the venue than any other act and had played a record number of dates there, an amazing 25. The tour will support the band’s brand new album ‘Where We Are’, which was recorded during much of 2009 in studios across Europe and the US. The record features work from pop’s finest craftsmen, including grammy nominated Ryan Tedder (Leona Lewis, Beyonce) Steve Robson (James Morrison, Take That) Steve Booker (Duffy) Louis Bian-
CIRQUE DE SOLEIL
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caniello and Sam Watters (Whitney Houston, Anastacia.) and Shaznay Lewis, who co-writes a track with band member Mark Feehily. These stellar production teams have helped the boys create a new and contemporary sound, whilst retaining those classic Westlife soaring melodies and rousing lyrics. Featuring the already massive hit single ‘What About Now,’ as seen on The X Factor, it’s a collection bound to excite fans and pop enthusiasts alike. No pop band can compare to Westlife’s extraordinary success. During their 11 years at the top of pop’s hierarchy, the band has sold over 40 million records globally. In the UK alone they have scored nine multi-platinum albums and a record breaking 14 No.1 hits (behind only Elvis and The Beatles). They have also picked up innumerable awards and appeared on hundreds of magazine covers around the world. They are the only recording artists to win the prestigious ‘Record Of The Year’ an incredible four times (other top awards include two BRITS and an MTV Europe Award). Tickets go on sale 9am on Friday 11th December priced £38 (subject to booking fee) in person at the Arena box office, by phone on 0114 256 5656 or online at www.sheffieldarena. co.uk
INFORMATION & TICKETS FOR ALL EVENTS CAN BE FOUND AT
www.sheffieldarena.co.uk Tel: 0114 256 5656 or in person at the Box Office
Clowns. Technical expertise and extravagant design are woven together by uplifting spectacuBetween whirlwind and lull, lar costumes, amazing lighting, prowess and poetry, Saltimhumour and enchanting music and banco takes spectators on an al- magic. Full of colour, amusement legorical and acrobatic journey and amazement, Saltimbanco is into the heart of the city. a fun show for the whole family Following the critically acclaimed to enjoy. UK tour of Quidam , Cirque Du Saltimbanco —from the Italian Soleil, is to return to the UK with “saltare in banco,” which literally an arena tour of its vibrant signameans “to jump on a bench”— ture production SALTIMBANCO, explores the urban experience in created by Franco Dragone. This all its myriad forms: the people timeless Cirque opus hits the UK who live there, their idiosyncraArenas for the first time with a series of exclusive shows opening sies and likenesses, families and groups, the hustle and bustle of up in Sheffield for 5 shows from the street and the towering heights Thursday 20th until Sunday 23rd of skyscrapers. A signature show, May 2010. it is inspired by the urban fabric Tickets, priced £40 & £50 go on of the metropolis and its colourful general sale from 9am on Friday inhabitants. Decidedly baroque 11th December 2009 from the in its visual vocabulary, the Sheffield Arena Box Office on show’s eclectic cast of characters 0114 256 56 56, online at www. sheffieldarena.co.uk and in person draws spectators into a fanciful, dreamlike world, an imaginary at the Sheffield Arena. Saltimbanco is Cirque du Soleil’s city where diversity is a cause for hope. longest running major touring Phil Bowdery, President Of Tourshow which has toured the world since 1992 to wide-spread acclaim ing at Live Nation, promoters of the show commented: “We are and has enjoyed sell-out success across the world in Europe, North thrilled to be bringing Saltimand South America, Australia, Jabanco to cities across the UK. pan, and New Zealand performing The show is a signature Cirque to over 11 million fans. du Soleil sensation, it’s a vibrant, In the UK, The Times hailed the uplifting, colorful show, one of show “Gracefully athletic theatre” the most prolific in Cirque’s reper, America’s Variety Magazine toire. Created as an antidote to the added “Human exuberance and violence and despair, this phantasphysicality, the performers enmagorical show proposes a new thrall with one act after another””, vision of urbanity, overflowing whilst the New York Times was with optimism and happiness.” equal in its praise stating “Myth The world premiere of Saltimbanmeets magic...... An unearthly co was held in Montreal on April mixture of commedia dell’arte and 23, 1992 and featured a cast of rock-concert razzle....” 36 performers. During its 14-year Classic Cirque at its best, tour under the big top, the show Saltimbanco is a thrilling and visited some 75 cities on five kaleidoscopic celebration of awe continents, for a total of more than inspiring artistry and agility. It 4,000 performances given before features breathtaking acrobata combined audience of over 11 ics and unbelievable athleticism million people worldwide. during solo spotlights and epic ensembles. With a cast of over 50 Tickets for the Sheffield Arena high-caliber artists hailing from engagement, 20th-23rd May 20 countries Saltimbanco is set 2010, go on general sale at 9am to enthrall. From the seemingly on Friday 11th December priced impossible balancing, jumping £40 & £50 (subject to booking and spinning during the Chinese fee). Tickets available online at Poles or the Russian Swing to www.sheffieldarena.co.uk, in the gravity-defying Bungees and person at the venue box office Trapeze, the crowd pleasing or through the ticket hotline on Juggling and Acrobatic Bicycle, 0114 256 56 56. to the celebrated and very unique