Page 1


MOVE 02.08.13 VOLUME 11 ISSUE 17






fratboy Get dating advice from MU 's Twitter King

/cover PHOTOs/Shannon ellioTt design/Brendan Wray AND beatriz costa-Lima EDITOR/DELIA CAI Photo editor/Lauren Kastner

table of contents


4 5 6 7

Loud Minded

Music columnist William Schmitt unveils a perfectly Tuesday soundtrack Dumped: A Documentary

When life hands you lemons, make a film about it Dating Q&A with @MizzouFratBoy

The best relationship advice this side of Twitter Couch Potato

TV columnist Jack Howland bids "30 Rock" farewell The Bleeder and Edward Scissorhands

Sex blogger Brooke Carter tells the backstory of some well-deserved nicknames The Viewing Room

Movie columnist Hannah Bedenkop gives zombie love the benefit of doubt Concert Preview: Keller Williams

Q&A with the man of many genres

Go Wild

Wild & Scenic Film Festival hits The Blue Note Five Ways to Eat Nutella

Not finishing the jar is a sign of weakness Pop Track

Pop culture columnist Joyce Peng recaps the best of the Super Bowl

letter from the editor

Flinch less, love more

So besides the geniuses at Hallmark who actually came up with what should go down in history as the Greatest Marketing Scheme Of All Time Ever, I have this suspicion that most of us have a flinch-gag-repeat reaction to the topic of Valentine’s Day. I know, I know, I could be wrong. Reader, you could very well be someone who is in an extremely healthy, supportive, thriving relationship where you both magically read each others’ minds and implicitly understand the correct ratio of scented candles to chocolate to flowers to eyelash batting to make for the perfect V-day experience. Good for you. You go, Glenn Coco. But for the rest of the population, who has yet to reach those Nicholas Sparks-esque standards of romance for such a day, what are we supposed to do? While Hallmark high-fives itself some more because we’re running around in their evil doily-swathed scheme, trying to buy love — or at least enough chocolate to dull the searing pain — let’s stop. Breathe. And consider all the other amazing, extraordinary loves of your life who often are disguised as something else. The love of your life could (and should) be the bestie who tolerates your 1 a.m. phone calls when you can’t stop crying about about baby Clydesdales. It could be little brothers and little sisters who warm the cockles of your heart because they still think Valentine’s Day is an excuse to eat candy instead of practicing multiplication tables. It could be hilarious Twitter accounts who just get you through the day, like @MizzouFratBoy, or the perfect playlist, or your personal passions for anything from filmmaking and fashion. This week’s issue is a celebration of all those loves — the ones who make everyday life affirming without any of the messy shit (just ask Brooke Carter, if you want a literal example) that comes with romance. Because let’s face it — Nutella will never, ever get a nosebleed on your face.

Lots and lots of love, but even more chocolate,

Delia Cai, Editor

From the MOVE Blogs… Veggie Delight: Spaghetti squash with tempeh “This is absolutely one of my favorite meals to make and eat. It tastes exactly like spaghetti but without all the added carbs. It is extremely easy to make and, of course, is delicious.” -Lauren Ditaranto, MOVE Food

Dorm Eats: Lemmon truffle recipe “So, I’ve started to look at my humble supply of cooking materials as a culinary challenge. If contestants on my beloved Food Network show, ‘Sweet Genius,’ can turn random ingredients like dried seaweed and gummy bears into beautiful desserts, why can’t I transform dorm food into cohesive recipes?” -Savannah Miller, MOVE Food

Chronicles of a Model: Stalkers, obsessors and psychos “Never create just one profile on Facebook. Create a “civilian” account (one for you and your friends and personal items) and one for industry professionals. Send fans to a like page so that they can follow your work and upcoming events. For an industry profile, I recommend to only friend those in your industry and allow fans to subscribe to you — this allows fans to follow you but not clog up your news feed or friend limit.” -Lindsay Laderoute, MOVE Fashion

Review: Nicholas Sparks’ “Safe Haven” “If a hot single dad says he loves you and will protect you, for

God’s sake love him right back. Unless his kids are brats, then maybe you should think about it.” -Katie Johns, MOVE Books Read more awesome blogness at 2 MOV E • 02.08.13

Lights, camera, break up! This Columbia filmmaker tackles everyone’s favorite topic: getting dumped.

loud minded WILLIAM SCHMITT puts Tuesday to music

A soundtrack to the underdog of the week Through my cross-cultural journalism and modern philosophy classes, I have learned that I know nearly nothing. I am inundated with doubt and certain that certainty is a fool’s treasure. On days when these doubts are fiercest, I find a cozy nook and escape through the cover of a book. I have always admired the abilities of storytellers like Mark Twain, the likes of whom can create rich dreamscapes for readers to inhabit and explore. I am a woefully inexperienced novelist, and my short story game is not really up to scratch as I have spent most of my time to this point writing essays, either for class or for life. But I’m going to try something new here. I would like you to make an attempt to tell a story primarily through songs. To assist me, as you read this, play the appropriate song and imagine yourself at that particular point in my imaginary day. I’ll begin on a Tuesday morning. Tuesday seems to be the most unacknowledged of days — this is not a new theory of mine as I have once devoted an ode to coffee to the idea of Tuesday.

"Be (Intro)” - Common You stir as the strings do: a slow luxurious stretch and one last immersion in your blankets before you hop out of bed and discover the pace of the day. The beat builds slowly through breakfast and a shower, and you are gathering energy, mentally preparing for life outside the walls. You step outside and it is absolutely gorgeous. Today is Tuesday, but it is a classic Sunday in appearance with only the telltale wisps of cirrus clouds to prevent your sky from being as blue as a distant sapphire.

”Share With Me The Sun” - Portugal. The Man You’re walking to the first class of the day, and the number of Tigers on campus seems to have doubled since yesterday. It’s finally a little warmer — thank goodness for that — and the general trend seems to be shedding coats in favor of light jackets. The bravest flaunt their recent gym sessions despite goosebumps.

”Overheater” - Tobacco Oh, no. No, no, please no. You did not know there would be a quiz today, and you are not prepared at all. Your brain shoots into warp speed as you frantically search the sparse walls of Middlebush or Waters for anything to inspire inspiration. You don’t end up doing so hot, but you’re done now.

”Blue in Green” - Miles Davis aaron pellish | reporter In early 2011, Julian McFarland noticed a very odd coincidence occurring in his group of friends: all of them, including himself, were getting dumped. And most of them were eager to talk about it. “You have friends that can’t help but talk trash about their exes,” McFarland says. “That’s sort of what gave me the idea.” McFarland, 28, then decided to collect tales of heartbreak from friends and strangers and discuss them in his upcoming documentary, “Dumped.” He started gathering and interviewing his friends’ stories but soon began soliciting the tragic stories of Columbia locals with a very amusing flyer that promised to “save your dignity, or your life.” It encouraged people to reflect on emotional scars from the past in a healthy environment. McFarland says the hardest part of the process was finding older people willing to discuss their heartbreak. “(Older people) are kind of paranoid and shut in,” he says. “So you can’t really interact with them that easily.” For the interviews, McFarland spent a year coming up with a total of 52 carefully-sequenced questions to ask his various romantically-scorned subjects. He says most people, especially men, were initially hesitant to open up to him so candidly. “They generally started off slow, but by the middle part of the questions, they really start to run with it,” McFarland says. Jason Frost, a friend of McFarland’s and an interviewee for the


documentary, felt that it was uncomfortable to discuss his emotions in such a public way. “It was a lot easier when we had beer in us,” Frost says. “It’s not really a guy thing to do to sit around and just 'wah wah wah wah’ about your problems,” he says. McFarland thinks the documentary will be as entertaining as it will be emotional, and it could even serve as some cinematic relationship advice. “People like to stop and look at the crash at the side of the road,” McFarland says. “People are attracted to destruction. I think the film can advise people to take more time with their relationships. It can serve as a self-help video but with some trashy entertainment.” McFarland has not yet completed “Dumped,” but said he hopes it will be ready in time for True/False Film Fest 2014. The film will be McFarland’s first, although he is working on other projects as well, including movies about zombies, alcoholism and telemarketing. “He’s definitely dedicated (to filmmaking),” Frost says of his friend. “That’s all he does.” Whether or not he makes it big at True/False next year, McFarland says he plans to continue his passion for filmmaking throughout his life. “If it ends up being where I have to pay for my own films and fundraise or do a job I don’t really care about, I’m fine with doing that the rest of my life,” McFarland says.

Expect Skrillex dominating, Kelly 55th Grammys will Clarkson being awesome and probably fail to impress Frank Ocean getting snubbed. The Grammys have the wonderful power and pleasure of being, simultaneously, America’s most and least relevant music award show. Despite the fact that the voters appear to be out of touch — though in a really abnormal, peculiar “wanting to be hip but failing” sort of way — there really isn’t much competition. So what everyone is left with is a couple hours of TV during which really popular artists perform and then intermittently give awards people will pretend to care about for a week before committing to mental trash bins. But I’m still in the stage in which I pretend to care. So here are my predictions which, because they’re based on pretty much nothing besides a want for weird things to happen, will likely not come true. But it’s the thought that counts. First, Skrillex will win every award for which he is nominated. If I’ve learned anything in my year and a half at MU, it’s that the only thing that can be universally agreed upon is how sweet it is when Skrillex makes laser noises with a computer. Because lasers are awesome, and lasers should win a Grammy. Record of the Year should go to “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” by Kelly Clarkson for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that none of the other songs nominated are even the best on their respective albums. It would seem disingenuous to give anyone the impression that they were

somehow the best of the year. Also, that song is really catchy, and Kelly Clarkson is a nice reminder of a time when people thought “American Idol” was cool, which is something I think everyone should be reminded of at least occasionally. Album of the Year should go to Frank Ocean because Channel Orange is the best album of the year. But it will probably go to Mumford & Sons because people love banjos and accents. fun. could win, but I don’t see it happening. Sometimes the Grammys throw curveballs, though. fun. will win Best New Artist, despite the fact that they released a studio album in 2009 (apparently to the Grammys, “new” doesn’t mean what it means to everyone else) and should obviously not be eligible. Everyone else is recent enough to deserve it, Frank Ocean being the best of them, but he probably won’t win because the Grammys just want to make me mad. And that’s pretty much anything anyone really cares about. It’s worth noting that LMFAO is actually nominated for an award, which is probably the most embarrassing thing to happen in American popular culture since that time Justin Timberlake showed everyone Janet Jackson’s nipple. Speaking of which, Justin Timberlake will be performing, and that’s the only truly important thing going on, anyway. brad babendir | senior staff writer

You’re feeling down, and your GPA is now wounded. Better get over to the Student Center for lunch.

”Rosa Parks” - OutKast Ah, that is so much better. You consider dropping out of school to start a business around the restorative powers of pizza. Something about the vibrant spice of the pepperoni and the reassuring warmth of the saucy cheese has the sparkle back in your eyes. Everything seems vivid and comfortable. You’re definitely ready to hit up that class. Not only will you breeze through the lecture, but today might be the day your crush notices you.

”Her Theme Song” - TiRon & Ayomari There she is. You swear she’s the most attractive woman ever to descend from her Olympian heights. You get a little lost in her hair before snapping to immediate attention at the back of the chair next to her when she gives a hint of a turn. The lecturer’s drone becomes indistinguishable from the murmur of the couple to your left, and you begin to doodle while imagining candlelit dinners with Ms. Angel.

”Got ‘Til It’s Gone” - Janet Jackson You absentmindedly follow her out of the hall, and she is greeted by a man you presume to be her boyfriend. Better walk really fast in the opposite direction, just in case they notice you.

”Laptop Therapy (Jackie Blue)” - Charles Hamilton Finally, you’re back home. This Tuesday really sucked, but you’ve got your laptop and an empty apartment. Better order another pizza to wash down your sorrow as you turn up the tunes.

”Vanished “ - Crystal Castles You dance around the empty space between your room and the kitchen. Your feet stomp away the troubles of the day, and you are suddenly the most graceful being in town. You clean yourself up and lay yourself down.

”The Light” - CunninLynguists Suddenly, everything is better. Your space heater is your best friend, and you can catch a glimpse of the sliver of moon that remains out your window. Eight hours until you’re ready to tackle Wednesday. Thank you for reading.

Follow us on Instagram + twitter: @ManeaterMOVE 02.08.13• MOV E


Couch potato JACK HOWLAND

on the legacy of the most quotable sitcom of all time

R.I.P. ‘30 Rock’ I’m still in mourning. The final episode of “30 Rock” hit airwaves last week, and I’m not quite done grieving yet. I tearfully rewatched the third season like a 1950s war widow looks through handwritten love letters. I quoted an episode at lunch and almost cried into my bowl of tater tots. I know I should have been prepared for this — after all, sitcoms have a short life expectancy — but when something dies, it still stings. It’s like the punched-in-the-gut feeling I got when those rat bastards at Nickelodeon pulled the plug on “Hey Arnold,” or when I realized that, as a 14-year-old, I should probably sell my LEGOs. Saying goodbye to something you love is hard. When that thing is the ingenious “30 Rock,” it needs to be honored like a damn Purple Heart recipient. So if this is a death, consider this my eulogy. “30 Rock” was one of the most inventive, unconventional, wellwritten sitcoms of our generation. Laugh track be damned. To hell with character development and emotional depth. The program was like a live-action game of Mad Libs – characters’ words were twisted, rearranged and thrown into gut-busting puns. Rational thinking and logic could be suspended if it followed the show’s one rule: be funny. And funny it was. Sure, the series started poorly. NBC really should have paid its first season viewers like researchers pay test subjects. But deep underneath muddled storylines and butter-knife-dull dialogue was a program with promise. By its third season, the sitcom about a crappy comedy show was actually quite a good one itself. It was like “Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip,” minus the Aaron Sorkin gravitas. When I first tuned in, I was a sophomore in high school. At the time — around season three — the series was taking home as many golden statues as Daniel Day-Lewis when he plays a real person. Critics deemed the material inventive. Fans basically hailed creator Tina Fey as the second coming of Christ. For my friends and I, it quickly became the show that made us seem funnier than we really were. I personally owe the writers of “30 Rock” a serious debt. I’ve recycled, reused and shamelessly stolen material from the sitcom’s characters like a freaking train robber. There were just so many quotable characters: the executive Jack Donaghy, who said things like “synergy”; the idiotic actor Tracy Jordan, who had the filter of a gleefully profane 13-year-old; and the sweet NBC page Kenneth Parcell, who said things equally wholesome and odd. But perhaps the most iconic and referenced “30 Rock” character was Fey’s Liz Lemon. Playing the head writer of a half-assed, lazy variety show, Fey delivered week in and week out. She was ballsy. She wasn’t afraid to rap poorly and often. Hell, she carried the series and made it the most quotable sitcom of all time. Now, as much as it pains me to say it, we have to lay “30 Rock” to rest. We have to bury it in the ground right next to “Seinfeld,” “Friends,” “Hey Arnold” and even my old LEGOs. I don’t know about the rest of the TV-watching world, but I’m going to remember the series for its whipsmart dialogue. I’m going to remember it for its profoundly unprofound wit and charm. Nothing ever mattered in the world of “30 Rock” except pure, unadulterated escapism — and that’s the way it should be. I hope the series will run in syndication for years to come. I hope DVD box-sets will be released as soon as possible. But for now, all that’s left to do is say goodbye to Fey’s crowning achievement. And since quoting a biblical verse is probably frowned upon — and probably sacrilegious too — I’m just going to leave you with the simple wisdom of Tracy Jordan: “We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show. You have no idea what’s going on.” Thanks for being so cool to us, “30 Rock.” Rest in peace.

Dear MizzouFratBoy,

I’ve been exclusive with my significant other for a year, but I’m curious about changing it to an open relationship. How do I bring that up … delicately? Sincerely, Monotonously monogamous

Dear Monotonous, Open relationships are for 60-year-old swingers who are tired of fucking the same person for the last four decades. Either you are with someone, or you aren’t. If you’re tired of fucking the same person for the last year, then you’re tired of that person period. I suggest temporarily breaking up and testing the market. If you are meant to be together, you will know it eventually.

Dating advice from

MizzouFratBoy MizzouFratBoy | guest editor

MU’s favorite Twitter personality offers wisdom and wit to answer your most agonizing relationship problems.

Dear Mizzou FratBoy,

I spend at least two hours getting ready before I go out – between the makeup, hair styling, outfits and six-inch heels. Is it worth it? Does any of it actually end up making an impression? Sincerely, Trying hard or hardly trying?

Dear Trying, You want to know how long it takes me? Twenty minutes. Shit. Shower. Shave. Sperrys. Done. The overdressing at Mizzou is getting a little ridiculous. Spending hours getting ready just to go to the bar and get drunk, spill beer on yourself and fall on the street is a huge waste of drinking time. I’ve always had the theory that girls get dressed up to impress other girls. As long as you look clean and carry yourself confidently, you don’t need to overdo it in my book. It is kind of funny to see girls fall in 6-inch heels though, so you can keep those coming.

Dear MizzouFratBoy,

So I’m crazy about this guy in my economics lecture, and we have study sessions together all the time. Thing is, I think he only sees me as a study buddy! How do I get past that? Sincerely, Forever friendzoned

Dear Friendzoned, Ah. The age-old study buddy. I think we’ve all been in this situation. I personally have actually conquered the study buddy dynamic, and this is how you do it: 1. Exchange numbers. “Studying” is by far the easiest way to get someone’s number. 2. Study with them every chance you get. Study dates are my favorite because you only have to talk when you want to. If the conversation is going great, then you talk for hours and don’t get any studying done, which is your goal anyway. If the conversation isn’t coming as easily, then you put your head down and study. No awkwardness at all. 3. Once established as a study buddy, slide in simple questions like, “What are you doing this weekend?” When they reply that they’re going out or want to do something but don’t have plans, then you say you were thinking the same thing. Meet them at a bar or suggest going to a party or equally something casual and social. DO NOT ASK THEM OUT ON A DATE UNTIL YOU HAVE HUNG OUT WITH THEM OUTSIDE THE STUDY SETTING. 4. Once you have hung out with them in public a couple times, studying may become more frequent, and you can ask them on a date. The best first date is something you both have interest in instead of just asking them out to dinner or a random movie.

Dear MizzouFratBoy,

My friends and my girlfriend get along with each other about as well as Tigers and Jayhawks do. What do I do? Sincerely, Victim of tug-of-war

Dear Tugged, Hate to break it to you, but you’ve got to dump the girlfriend. I have lost so many friends to girls over the years, and then they break up and don’t know what to do. You can’t waste the best years of your life trying to make Tigers and Jayhawks be friends. It will never happen. Ever. Your friends are the best judges of your girlfriend. If she’s the one, your friends will like her, and you will be like one big happy pack of tigers prancing around the countryside. It’s easier to find a new girlfriend than a new group of friends.

Dear Mizzou FratBoy,

What counts as cheating, and are you obligated to always ‘fess up? Sincerely, You can rationalize anything, right?

Dear Rationalizer, The easy answer is anything that you wouldn’t want your significant other to do is cheating. Every couple has their own definition. I think you should ‘fess up, because you really shouldn’t keep anything from each other besides PIN numbers and Facebook passwords.

Dear MizzouFratBoy,

My sorority sister and I are crushin’ on the same guy. Sisters before misters, or should I go in for the kill? Sincerely, Sorry I’m not that sorry

Dear Not Sorry, Leave it up to him. May the best sister win. Agree to leave all jealousy at the door and scoop up some other guy if you lose. You’ll both be over him soon enough and laugh about it eventually. Trust me.

Dear MizzouFratboy,

What happens when that one-night-stand — who you were never supposed to encounter, ever — turns out to be your partner for a semester-long journalism project? Sincerely, Certified J-school nightmare

Dear J-school, Hahahahaha that sucks. I’ve always found the best way to relieve awkward situations is to make them more awkward. Throw a joke in there like “Well we could meet at my house, you know where it is.” Or “We should exchange numbers. Only 6 months late, right?” If you have to deal with this person all semester you better get over the awkwardness quick. Or just continue it to a two, three or four-night stand.

Dear MizzouFratBoy,

Let’s be honest — it’s been a while since the last time I’ve, uh, ridden the tiger with my significant other. We’re just both too busy! What should we do? Sincerely, Might as well stop shaving

Dear Shaving, Riding the tiger is just a silly made-up Mizzou tradition. Everybody should do it once, but wanting to ride Truman on a continual basis is just absurd. Okay but seriously. If you can’t find time to express love when you’re in college, there’s something wrong going on. Somebody wants out of the relationship. College is the easiest time in your life to hook up, whether it be with a significant other or not. Make it happen.

Dear MizzouFratBoy,

Why does it seem like guys in frats get all the girls, like all the time? Sincerely, Unaffiliated but unfulfilled

Dear Unaffiliated, Where should I begin? It’s easy to blame it on the money, clothes, attitude or another stereotype of frat guys. But here’s the real answer: Fraternities and sororities force people to be in situations that makes them less socially awkward. My first homecoming I had to pomp and build shit with dozens of random girls for hours. Eventually, you simply learn how to talk to girls. There were awkward dudes in my pledge class that became ladies’ men during pomping. After homecoming, it’s the involvement of the Greek community through a variety of events and organizations that forces interaction. By your junior and senior year, you literally will know or at least recognize ¾ of the people at the bars. My advice to you would be to make friends with girls (or whoever you’re into) in organizations or classes, and use simple steps given to Friendzoned above to win them over.

valentines coitus jams The top sex — uh, six, albums for making whoopee

MISSY ELLIOTT – UNDER CONSTRUCTION Alone this Valentine’s Day? Alone in general? Screw social norms, and screw yourself! Turn off the lights, light some candles and play “Work It” on repeat until the deed is done.

4 MOV E • 02.08.13

JONAS BROTHERS – JONAS BROTHERS We have to face the fact that some people aren’t having sex. Some people are even choosing not to have sex. What better band to listen to, in this case, than the patron saints of purity? On the plus side, you get to fantasize about Nick Jonas’ rockhard abs whilst abstaining from sin.

BEYONCÉ – 4 (DELUXE EDITION) Studies show that listening to “Dance for You” at high volumes can cause many of the typical signs of a sexual encounter: sweating, trembling, twitching and making primal noises. These are all typical responses when one listens to Beyoncé. All hail the queen.

the viewing room HANNAH BEDENKOP

Hook-up horror stories

on the revitalization of the zombie movie

'Warm Bodies' warms the heart

MOVE’s anonymous sex blogger highlights the merits of going solo. brooke carter | sex blogger

My roommate Noelle* and I were grocery shopping the other day, and while looking at some cheap Valentine’s Day paraphernalia, she sighed and said to no one in particular, “Why is Valentine’s Day even a thing?” Here’s the deal: Noelle and I are both single, and we thoroughly enjoy it. We go out when and where we want and do ridiculous things in public without fear of judgment. So why does V-Day make us feel so … shitty? I try not to be bitter around Feb. 14 because it’s such a cliché, but it’s hard not to be when the guy you dated in middle school denies he ever knew you or when your hookup history includes a guy who asked midcoitus, “Do you like John Mayer?” To quell those feelings of insecurity and loneliness that inevitably creep up on us, I would like to share two tales of “romance” that might ease your suffering and make you think that maybe being single isn’t so bad.

The story of The Bleeder

I want to start off with the most cringe-worthy tale in my repertoire. Last year, I met an older guy named Alex* at a party. As the night was winding down, we decided to head back to his place for an adult slumber party. Alex is not an ordinary fellow. Unlike most college boys just trying to get it in, Alex does not have sex unless he is in a committed relationship. Since this was not the case, most of the night was spent with our hands in each other’s pants. Not great. Suddenly, a weird look crept across his face, and he immediately stopped everything and bolted out of bed. Totally freaked out, I debated putting my clothes back on and leaving until Alex came back … with tissues. Because he just had a nosebleed. On my face. You would think that after this little incident, I’d never want to see this guy again. You would be incorrect. We hooked up on and off for a while, where he proceeded to bleed on me two more times. Recent update: Alex now has a girlfriend, and I am still single.

The story of ‘Edward Scissorhands’ Bobby* was a cute friend of a friend who I met two summers ago at the beach. He was shy and sweet, and I could tell from his demeanor that he was inexperienced. Whenever I encounter a boy of this variety, my brain immediately says, “Corrupt him, Carter. Corrupt him now.” But don’t worry. This story doesn’t end the way you think. One night, we left a party together to go back to our mutual friend’s beach house. While everyone else had passed out on the couch, Bobby and I went into my room and started making out. And it was bad. First of all, he had cottonmouth. Kissing him was akin to making out with a vacuum cleaner (actually, the vacuum scenario probably would have been more pleasurable.) Second, since Alex was inexperienced, we stuck to simple handiwork. I failed to mention this boy had the longest, skinniest fingers I’ve ever seen. He also may have had untrimmed fingernails, but my memory is hazy. The only logical explanation for what happened next is that in Bobby’s view, the female anatomy is like the Earth’s stratosphere, and his fingers are like a rocket ship that must gather enough speed to penetrate it and enter outer space. Because that is exactly what he did — over and over and over again. After a couple of forceful thrusts with his Edward Scissorhand fingers, I was dying and needed to escape. I faked a quick O and focused my attention on him, where he proceeded to shout, “Oh, man,” until he finished. I then promptly kicked him out of my room. My girlfriends now refer to this gentleman as “The Jackhammer.” While these stories are not ones I’m likely to pass on to my grandchildren, these are stories that must be shared, my sexual friends. And while not all of us have a Valentine this year, take solace in the fact that masturbation never disappoints, unlike that dipshit significant other who forgot to make romantic dinner reservations. *Names have been changed to protect the innocent and etc.

10 Steps to the

Perfect Valentine's Day

carolin lehmann | reporter


Andrea Morse, the owner of Cherry Hill Massage in Columbia, shares her best at-home massage tips with MOVE. Get comfy: Since spa beds aren’t found in dorm rooms, give the massage on your bed. For a simple neck and shoulder massage, sit on a chair backwards. Play relaxing music: Some of my favorites are Iron and Wine, Sigur Ros and Bon Iver. They’re not corny but nice and chill. Oil up: Olive oil, almond oil (which can be found at Target), body oils — they all work. Just add some lavender, chamomile or eucalyptus essential oils for scent. Oils are moisturizing to the skin and are easy to massage with since they help your hands glide. Be gentle: Use whatever amount of pressure your significant other is comfortable with. For relaxation, just massage the superficial layer — this is called a Swedish massage.

Between dinner and that perfect little black dress, Valentine’s Day can be pricey — this year, try an affordable DIY massage.

Or not: If they have a lot of tension, use more pressure for a deep tissue massage … Gentle pulling of the arms releases muscle tension as well as the compression of bothersome areas. Get handsy: Two little known areas of the body that make for great places to massage are the hands and feet. These body parts are often overused by students between typing up homework, writing and walking to and from class. Don’t worry: As long as you’re not walking on someone or massaging their inner elbows or knees, they’ll be fine. It’s very hard to injure someone with a massage. Never use utensils during a massage: Just use your hands. Keep it short and simple: Take 15 to 20 minutes. Switch places: You can’t just give — you have to receive, too.

People really love zombies, don’t they? Zombies have spawned their own genre, generating video games, films and television shows. Hell, “Community” even did a zombie episode, so that means they are officially a staple of pop culture — and ripe for parody. Some say zombies are on their way out because, let’s face it, most of the material is pretty been-there-done-that nowadays. But “Warm Bodies” is a refreshingly charming spin on the stereotypical zombie movie, and it serves as proof that this genre might not be finished with us just yet. “Warm Bodies” is adapted from a book written by Isaac Marion. The movie version is written and directed by Jonathan Levine, whose last project, “50/50,” was one of the best movies of 2011. Levine is quickly becoming one of my favorite modernday directors due to his ability to blend humor and drama with just enough sincerity to make you want to take it all seriously. Nicholas Hoult stars as R, a so-called “corpse” living in a post-apocalyptic world with his fellow corpses. R may be a pasty zombie, but he still has thoughts, a few feelings here and there, and a wry sense of humor that keeps the movie on track. In the film, the non-zombies have built a giant wall around the city to keep corpses out but still have to send scouts out for supplies. It’s during one such trip that R comes across Julie, a human played by Teresa Palmer and, after eating her boyfriend’s brain, R decides she’s worth saving from his corpse-y friends. How sweet. Thus begins R’s path to redemption. As he and Julie bond over his vinyl collection (zombies can be hipsters, too) and his increasing ability to communicate, the human side of him starts to reappear. He becomes self-aware. He feels temperature, and he even dreams. The changes in R start to affect the corpses around him, including R’s best friend M (Rob Corddry). And while no movie has ever been quite so obvious with its “all you need is love” message, “Warm Bodies” still manages to outweigh the cheese with charm. Hoult does a stellar job of emoting, seeing as he’s basically a walking vegetable for the first third of the movie and is therefore unable to talk about his feelings. The rest of the cast is pretty strong too, with brief-but-solid performances by Dave Franco, Analeigh Tipton and John Malkovich. Bonus points go to Teresa Palmer’s portrayal of Julie, which was an appropriately flustered one given that Julie clearly finds herself thinking about how cute her zombie captor was on more than one occasion. Yep, “Warm Bodies” pulled a “Beauty and the Beast.” It made you forget to blame Stockholm syndrome for the love story. The movie was mostly endearingly cheesy, so it might come as a surprise that parts of it will definitely scare the crap out of you. While the corpses are kind of rough looking, they’re nothing compared to the Bonies. Good lord, the Bonies. These are a group of characters in the film that represent the other less “princely” end of the corpse spectrum. Once corpses give up all hope, they peel their skin off and becomes Bonies, and they are like scarier, faster and less-clothed versions of the grim reaper. You see one such corpse peel the skin off its face, and you’ll want to barf a little bit. But then R will pop up and say “don’t pick at it, you’re making it worse!” Then you’ll remember that, at its heart, the movie’s still a comedy. “Warm Bodies” gets by with the charisma of its star and the cutesiness of the love story at the basis of it all. The dialogue can get a little slow and awkward in places, but it fits since R is trying to teach himself how to talk again. The humor was pretty steady, too. All in all, I’d say that this foray into the zombie romance genre was a success. Let’s hope that Hollywood doesn’t find a way to run it mercilessly into the ground, like it’s been known to do with a certain vampire saga that shall remain unnamed. “Warm Bodies” is one of the better movies to come out in 2013 so far, and it’s definitely worth a trip to the theater.

valentines coitus jams

USHER – CONFESSIONS Some schools of thought believe that Usher actually invented sex. However, do not hold Usher responsible for any cases of immaculate conception that have occurred from listening to “Burn.”

THE XX – COEXIST If you like to stare into the eyes of your partner in complete silence from the jump to the finish, then you should be listening to The xx when you do the dirty. This album is for people who like to roll over and write poetry post-orgasm.

FRANK OCEAN – CHANNEL ORANGE Whatever your sexual identification may be, “Thinkin Bout You” is perfect from the foreplay to the post-play.

zack nolan | reporter 02.08.13• MOV E


tongue in chic MADISON FELLER

A night with Keller Williams

on dressing for Valentine's Day

When: tonight at 9 p.m. Where: the blue note tickets: $18-$20

Paint the » town red

We caught up with this Virginia-based artist to talk about festivals, the Redskins and being a man of many genres.

kyle primack | reporter

Valentine’s Day is probably the No. 1 hit or miss holiday in America. Generally people fall into two categories: those who are absolutely gaga over the day, decorating their rooms with heart streamers and chocolate candies, and those who wish to eradicate Feb. 14 from the calendar altogether. I’ve come to find, though, that either group can make the holiday work perfectly for them, whether it’s spending the night out at a fancy dinner with someone special or buying up the entire section of Ben & Jerry’s and watching “The Notebook” with friends. Everyone can find something exciting to do on Valentine’s Day, and, on top of that, everyone can look freaking fantastic doing it. If you happen to find yourself with romantic plans next Thursday, it’s no secret that you’ll want to look your best. Nothing is more attractive than confidence, and what better way to show it than with a knockout outfit? If you and your significant other are going out for the evening, toss aside your standard little black dress and opt for something a little more theme-y. A fire engine red dress oozes Valentine’s Day spirit and is guaranteed to make you feel like a million dollars – even if you don’t have that much to spend on your date. If you’re feeling extra feminine, look for one with lace or pleated detailing. Appropriately placed cutouts can also be a good pick if you’re looking for something a little more playful and sultry. To top off the ensemble, let me suggest a comfortable pair of flats, especially if you’re not normally found rocking six-inch stilettos. Let’s face it, nothing is fun about tripping over your heels on your walk home and having to lie to your date that, no, your blisters don’t hurt that much. If you can’t resist adding a few inches to your stature, a great alternative is a pair of lace-up wedge booties. They’re much easier to walk in and will keep your feet warm just in case Missouri decides to throw a blizzard your way. For all of you out there who completely ignored the last couple paragraphs in protest of all that is Valentine’s Day, hear me out: this holiday is not just for those head-over-heels in love. Grab your friends, head downtown and celebrate the fact that the money you would’ve spent on a gift for your significant other can now be spent on a brand new outfit for yourself. Heart sweaters have been spotted everywhere this winter and are the perfect comfy pick if your girlfriends are just heading over to Sparky’s to grab some single ladies sundaes. On the other hand, if you plan to dance the night away, step up your game with leather leggings, a sheer long sleeve shirt and — since you don’t have to worry about kissing anyone — a bright red (or hot pink!) lip. Valentine’s Day is your time to go big or go home, so get out there and show the world why you’re just too awesome to be tied down. And if you simply want to use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to go on an emotionally-cleansing shopping spree, try heading on over to your favorite superstore. Valentine’s Day is all about over-the-top femininity, and what better way to rock such a look than with Prabal Gurung’s new Target collection, all inspired by the different stages of love. Gurung’s line is super price-friendly (some of his pieces start at just $19.99!) so you don’t have to worry about breaking the teeny-tiny college bank. The entire line, which includes adorably printed tops and sleek colorblock dresses, will be available on Feb. 10 — just in time for the big day. No matter what your plans for Valentine’s Day, remember this is your day to be bold. Text that cute kid whose eye you always catch in the library. Call up an old flame that’s been on your mind recently. Slip into your flirtiest outfit, swipe on some mascara and let the sparks fly. Here’s wishing you a fairytale ending that would make even Taylor Swift jealous.

Since the 1990s, Keller Williams has been making music — not for the money and fame but to share his passion and love of music with fans. As a lover of all music, Williams embraces new and current genres that inspires today’s generation, and, because of that, he finds new ways to identify with the audience. MOVE: You’ve played at music festivals like Bonnaroo, All Good Music, Summer Camp and, of course, the late and great Mile High Music Festival. What is your favorite festival? Keller Williams: Wow, there are so many different festivals. I would say the High Sierra Festival held out in Quincy, California has been great. The fastest way to get there is to fly from Reno, and it is a couple hours away from San Francisco. I think one of my favorite festivals I actually went to before I got on the bill is the Telluride Bluegrass Festival in Telluride, Colorado. M: Can you tell me a little bit about your latest project, More Than a Little? KW: It is deeply rooted in soul-funk music. There are six of us, and we stick to the traditional setup of guitar, bass, keys, drums, vocals and back-up vocals. The back-up vocals are headed by two ladies named Tonya (Lazenby Jackson) and Sugah (Davis), and instead of being in the background, they are at the front of the stage. M: How has the music industry changed since you hit the scene in the ‘90s? KW: There has been a shift in musical style. Folks that attend live shows are of a younger crowd. Since the ‘90s, the computer revolution has crept in slowly and taken over the live music scene. Music in general has changed for the better, especially for music lovers. It is the best time to be a music lover because you can virtually get any song for free ... It hurts most artists in terms of money sales. I did not get into the business for money, and there is always something special and unique about live music and the live experience. M: What are your thoughts on electronica and dubstep music? KW: I am a fan. It starts with the live experience and what people and artists are experiencing together. It encompasses all that a live show has to offer. Electronica has a certain type of formula — the buildup and the

Wild & Scenic takes on Columbia


February’s first film festival will appeal to avid tree-huggers and environmental activism hopefuls alike.

heather finn | staff writer Wait – True/False isn’t the only film festival hitting up CoMo this February? You heard right. The Wild & Scenic Film Festival, hosted by Missouri River Relief, brings double the film festival to this dreary winter month this weekend with its third annual appearance in Columbia. The festival originally started in Nevada City, Calif., before spreading across the country with the help of clothing retailer Patagonia, says Steve Schnarr, program manager for Missouri River Relief. Calling the festival both a “fundraiser” and a “friend-raiser,” Schnarr says the lineup of eight environmentally-themed films will both call members of the community to action and leave them with a sense of hope. “Some of (the films) are eye-opening, revealing things going on around the world,” Schnarr says. “Others are celebrating the actions that people have taken. (The festival) gives us a chance to highlight what we do all year long, but also bring new people together.” So if you just simply can’t wait for T/F, this is the perfect way to get your film fix this weekend — we’ve even previewed the lineup for you:

The Films:

“The Craziest Idea” Thirty years ago, the idea of removing the dams from Washington’s Elwha and White Salmon rivers was crazy at best. “The Craziest Idea” captures these removal projects — the largest in history — and the reactions of those to whom the removal of the dams meant the most.


“A Liter of Light” This film follows the inspiring mission of the MyShelter Foundation as it works to bring light to an impoverished Filipino community. The foundation illuminates the electricity-less neighborhood homes by employing a local man to fashion plastic water bottles into innovative light bulbs. A mere two minutes long, the film quickly communicates its uplifting message and is sure to leave viewers hopeful and inspired. “Second Nature: The Biomimicry Evolution” Set in South Africa, “Second Nature: The Biomimicry Evolution” delves into the concept of imitating nature in order to solve human dilemmas. In the film, Janine Benyus, named on Time Magazine’s 2007 “Heroes of the Environment” list, explores how the study of nature has the ability to improve human engineering skills.


6 MOV E • 02.08.13


drop. You don’t need to know the material, such as lyrics, to get it, unlike a rock album where you want to sing along. I listen to a lot of those artists. M: Where was the craziest venue you ever played at? KW: The very first Bonnaroo I remember it was crazy. At the time, the jam scene was at its height. As we got called up, we were told that thousands of people were in the audience. It was a surreal experience. M: What do you do when you are not on the road? KW: I have two kids. They are 4 and 8 years old. I do the normal dad things and I am home every week from Sunday to Thursday. I take them to school (and) play an array of sports and a lot of Xbox. When they go to sleep, I work to perfect my craft. It is always a work in progress, and you always have to move forward. I am currently putting together a live record. M: What are your thoughts on the Washington Redskins coming from Virginia? KW: I think (Robert Griffin III) is the absolute fucking shit. RG3 is amazing and our savior. I didn’t agree with the coach keeping him in the rest of the NFC Wild Card Game, but it is going to be a great next couple of years. Hail to the Redskins! M: What do you look forward to most this year? KW: The collaborations. I have three different ones along with my solo career. I call my solo career my day job. There is a handful with Keller & The Keels and More Than a Little. When I started in the business, I couldn’t afford work with others, but after a few years in the industry, it’s nice to get back to the original idea, and that is to collaborate.

“One Plastic Beach” Richard Lang and Judith Selby Lang take recycling to a whole new level. This film follows the Langs’ journey as the pair collects pieces of plastic from a Northern California beach and use them to make works of

When: sunday, feb. 10 Time: 2 to 6 p.m. Where: the blue note tickets: $10 general, $6 students schedule: Doors open at 1 p.m. Film begins at 2 p.m. intermission at 3:15 p.m. film discussion, social hour & silent auction at 5 p.m.

art. By showcasing the couple’s creativity and drawing attention to beach pollution, “One Plastic Beach” simultaneously engages viewers and raises concern for the larger contamination issue at hand. “Chasing Water” In this film, viewers follow filmmaker Pete McBride as he carries out his personal journey to uncover the mysteries of the Colorado River. As he travels the river’s course from the source to the sea, McBride reveals the distress and depletion the Colorado has undergone while acting as a main source of water to more than 30 million people in the southwestern United States. With unique cinematography showcasing breathtaking landscapes, “Chasing Water” artistically attempts to help both McBride and his viewers understand the mighty Colorado. “Yelp: With Apologies to Allen Ginsberg’s ‘Howl’” A quick, three-minute-long play off of the classic Ginsberg poem, “Yelp” ridicules our generation for its dependence on technology. Though it may seem silly and dramatic, the film makes an undeniably good point about society’s technological addiction. “White Water, Black Gold” Much like “Chasing Water,” this film follows the personal journey of its filmmaker. The documentary follows David Lavallee as he spends three years exploring the connection between Canada’s oil industry and a diminishing water supply. “The Wolf & The Medallion” Using his letter to his 4-year-old son as a script, filmmaker Jeremy Collins chronicles his own adventures to a canyon on the border of China and Mongolia in his film, “The Wolf & The Medallion.” Schnarr says this film was put together by an artist/rock-climber from Kansas City. “It’s kind of like a collage — a montage of drawings and paintings,” he says. “It’s really cool.”

ways to eat

5 Nutella Dating, dumped or desperate: whatever your relationship status is on Thursday, your emotional status will definitely be satisfactory as long as you have Nutella. A host of angelic creatures may not literally sing to you from the sky when you take a bite, but that’s what imagination is for, right?

Try these Nutella-filled recipes to soothe any amorous sorrows (or maybe to win the heart of your Valentine). colette rector | reporter

Brownie cupcakes with Nutella and Ghirardelli topping

Nutella whipped cream


1 box of brownie mix 10 squares of Ghirardelli chocolate 1/3 cup Nutella



2 cups fresh whipping cream 1/3 cup powdered sugar 1/3 cup Nutella

Make brownies as directed on box. Fill 12 cupcake liners halfway with brownie batter. Bake for time as directed by brownie box or until inserting a toothpick will come out clean. Melt Ghirardelli squares in microwave for one minute. Mix in ½ cup of Nutella. Spread Nutella/Ghirardelli mixture over cupcakes, and let cool completely.


Put a mixing bowl and beater in the freezer for 15 minutes. Place whipped cream and sugar in a mixing bowl, and mix on medium speed for 3 minutes. Beat in Nutella. Continue mixing until stiff peaks result. Chill until served.

Nutella and Peanut Butter Captain Crunch Sandwich

Nutella cookies



2 slices of bread 1/2 cup of Nutella 1/2 cup Cap’n Crunch Peanut Butter Crunch

3 sleeves of Ritz crackers 1 cup Nutella 24 oz. white almond bark



Spread Nutella on bread. Add cereal.

Spread teaspoon of Nutella in between two crackers. Refrigerate for 15 minutes to set. Melt almond bark in microwave or on stove top. Dip crackers into almond bark with tongs and let set on wax paper. Serves 40.

Nutella strawberry-banana smoothie Ingredients:

10 oz. strawberries with stems removed 3 Tablespoons sugar 2 bananas 1 cup ice 3/4 cup yogurt (flavors optional) 1/2 cup Nutella


Make sure the strawberries are washed and the bananas are ripe. Mix all ingredients in a blender until smooth. Chill until served. Serves 4.


pop track

ciao for now MOLLIE BARNES on spotting Italian trends

I saw Italians wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army pants and flip-flops Italian word of the week: mimetizzazione - camouflage I felt something over here I have never felt before: the urge to buy a pair of camo pants. You heard me — camouflage, which has been the ultimate fashion faux pas my entire life up until this point. It’s apparently really big over here, and I had an internal struggle the other night about buying them because they were aesthetically pleasing. But I was also morally opposed wearing anything with camo on it for most of my life, let alone camo pants. But when in Italy, you must do as the Italians do. Another thing many Italians do that Americans don’t as much is eat an entire pizza in one sitting. I’m not talking about the entire Gumby’s pizza that you ate after hitting up Harpo’s last Friday night after you got home and were a little less than sober. I’m talking about going out for a fancy dinner, sitting down and eating an entire pizza with a glass of wine on a date with a well-dressed Italian partner. Somehow, everyone remains supremely skinny and fabulously dressed. I am convinced these Italians are magical unicorns or another extremely rare breed. The evidence to prove this: my mini trip up to Lake Como on Sunday. The international group, Erasmus Student Network, sponsored this trip. We got to go to Como, the place where George Clooney and many other rich and famous have their private villas. We went on the super touristy boat ride around the lake, walked around the center of the city and then went up the mountain to get a really great view of the lake with Swiss Alps in the background. To get up to this lighthouse viewpoint we had to first take the Funicolare, a short little railway, and then hike the rest of the way up on a cobblestone path. If you read my last column, you’d know I am not the best at packing. Therefore, I was wearing boots that were, well, better suited for stylish walks to and from class and on the metro rather than long hikes up a vertical mountain. It’s safe to say that some of the others from the group and I were near passing out when we finally made it to the top. Yet there the magical unicorn creature-humans were perched without a hint of exhaustion. These Italians can eat entire pizzas for lunch, gelato for midday snack and smoke several times a day. And yet, they still made it up the hill in half the time I did, IN HEELS. I am determined to catch one of them transitioning into a superhero or something when they think I’m not looking. One of my personal favorite trends is what a friend and I dubbed “The Italian Face”. There were a bunch of party pics on a screen at this massive club we went to called Alcatraz, and maybe 1/15 people were smiling in the pictures. The rest had that signature model half-open mouth look going on, and they all executed it perfectly. Even the Italian babies at Lake Como were doing “The Italian Face” in pictures. Not all of the Italian trends and customs I’ve experienced are magical, however. The whole closing-everything-down-at-lunch thing is somewhat inconvenient when the store that sells shoes for €10 – $13.00 in the U.S. — isn’t opening back up until after your train leaves. I also caught a woman trying to pick-pocket a teenage boy on the train standing next to me. I couldn’t even say anything as she reached her hand out toward his pocket. My self-defense lessons did teach me to take a mental picture of her face to be able to describe her if need be. She saw me staring her down and stopped. As this was my first witness to a potential pick-pocket, I was surprised at how wealthy and old this woman looked. Studying abroad really shows you that people are usually not what they appear to be. Sometimes you might even find a magical unicorn attempting to pick-pocket you.

Clydesdales, crazy seniors, goats rule 2013 Super Bowl ads JOYCE PENG on last

weekend’s top 10 ads

Space babies? A Doritos-obsessed goat? A model kissing a nerd? Yep, when things get weird, you know it’s time for Super Bowl commercials. America’s cultural obsession with these ads is just as big as the football itself — though maybe not as big as Beyonce — ever since the ground-breaking “1984” Apple commercial. Here are my picks for the top 10 commercials of Super Bowl XLVII.

10. Audi: “Prom” The classic high school plot line of the geek getting the girl never gets old. In this Audi commercial, a dateless teen suddenly becomes confident after his dad tosses him the keys to the Audi to take to prom. I got nostalgic watching this ad, and I didn’t even love high school.

9. Toyota: “Wish Granted” Anything with Kaley Cuoco in it is awesome, and in this Toyota commercial, she’s a genie who magically pops out of a family’s RAV4 and grants them wishes. Though a bit lengthy, the ad is cute and original.

8. Best Buy: “Asking Amy” Amy Poehler is top-notch in this Best Buy ad as she rambles off a bunch of embarrassing questions to an employee. This commercial speaks

to all of us who are ever confused in an electronic store but are too afraid to ask questions, like “What’s LTE? Is it contagious?”

7. Got Milk: “Morning Run” I never knew milk was so precious that it makes “The Rock” ignore a bank robbery and an alien attack just to get milk for his daughter and her friends. Nice, effective plot that encourages everyone to drink milk.

6. Taco Bell: “Viva Young” Enveloped in a Spanish version of fun.’s “We are Young,” a bunch of retired seniors sneak out, party and act young again, ending their wild night with some Taco Bell. This commercial is unique and hopeful, letting audiences know that they don’t have to look young to act and feel young.

5. Coca-Cola: “Security Camera” The idea is ingenious: pick out various footages from security cameras around the world and showcase the hopeful, caring and unique side of humanity, such as tackling a store robber, handing a homeless person a bag of potato chips and dancing to street music. It’s a brilliant commercial that makes any day brighter.

4. Doritos: “Goat 4 Sale” I always look forward to the Doritos commercials because they always emphasize how obsessive people (or in this case, a goat) are about Doritos. Apparently it’s come to the point where the goat deals with its owner in its

own violent, goat-like way when its chips vanish.

3. Blackberry Z10-“Can’t Do” This Blackberry commercial shows the new phone perform so many functions that it's impossible to fit them all into 30 seconds. So it shows you what it can’t do instead, such as teleporting and setting you on fire.

2. Jeep: “Whole Again” Any commercial that salutes the troops is a winner. Oprah narrating is an excellent choice, and the script is beautifully written, emphasizing the plight of families when loved ones are gone fighting. It definitely brings out appreciation and sympathy for the soldiers and their families.

1. Budweiser: “Brotherhood” Okay, I have to admit — I cried at this one. Budweiser makes quality commercials every year, and this one hits the spot hard. It shows that sometimes a horse can be a man’s best friend, and once that bond creates and strengthens, it will never, ever be broken. Overall, this year’s crop of ads was fairly decent, with lots of imagination, good acting and smart plot lines. Though we can all disagree on which ones were the best, I think we can easily say that every commercial was better than GoDaddy’s. Just saying. 02.08.13• MOV E


MOVE Issue 017  
MOVE Issue 017  

MOVE Issue 017