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THE HILARIAN 04/2011 -2-

































Editors: Ken Menz, Andrew Christopher, Lily Black, Delia Obst and Patrick McCaffrie Contributors: James Apps, Oliver Luckhurst-Smith, Will Maitland, Sujini Ramamurthy and Emily Taliangis. Publisher: Rainbow Press Special Thanks to Yia Yia Maroula for appearing in photos and the Law Library for use of its wonderous facilities. This publication does not represent the views of the University of Adelaide Law School. This publication is not endorsed by the University of Adelaide Law School or the University of Adelaide generally. This is a satirical publication and it is the sole production of the University of Adelaide’s Law Students’ Society.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 -3-

FROM THE EDITORS Summer...what a wistful time. Where sweet-nothings are whispered in the ear of a casual lover under the dappled sunlight of a gentle willow tree. Or more likely Summer will be spent hauling coal in the deepest, darkest depths at the behest of a psychotic People, Culture and Personal Development Manager of your local law firm. Yes, you cannot spell Summer Clerkships without Summer and many of our darling, little readers will be undertaking one of these joyous journeys into the mediocrity of adulthood. So the team here at the Hilarian thought what better way to send you off onto your journeys of photocopying and research than providing you with the Summer Fiction edition of the Hilarian. These marvelous tales of love, life and law will provide you with much needed stimulation as you slowly fall asleep as you search through LexisNexis for a case you will never find. And thus, this year’s team of editors would like to bid you farewell to 2011 and hello to 2012 and the impending apocolypse. Aus Wiedersehen! Ken, Andrew, Lily, Delia and Patrick. THE HILARIAN 04/2011 -4-


Harriet Potta and the

Deathly Word Limit

Chapter 1 Harriet Potta appeared like any other normal 18 year-old girl. She had messy black hair, which would never sit flat no matter how much she brushed it, large round glasses and deep green eyes, which were often called her best feature by her imaginary friends. They would be the most remarkable thing about her, if it wasn’t for the lightening shaped scar on her forehead, the product of a very fortuitous night at Mansions on her 18th birthday. Yet Harriet Potta was special. She was unlike all the other girls out there, but in a way only she was aware of. Harriet Potta was a lawyer. She had only found out the previous January, when her Magic TER was magically higher than 95.5, thanks largely in part to the 10 mystical bonus points she received for being from a disadvantaged socioeconomic background. Nevertheless, Harriet had been accepted into the prestigious Law School in all of Adelsmeade; Ligertwarts School of Lawcraft and Advocacy. “Only the most prestigious and well-respected cauldron of learning in the entire Lawcraft world”, Harriet would often exclaim. However, the only people that would hear her were the Muggles, which is what Lawyers call the non-legal folk. “The Muggles smell like cauliflower and eat their children”, a magical third year Lawcraft student had once told her, “That is why Lawyers were created, in order to rule over the disgusting masses around us”. Harriet could not wait to start!

Yet as Harriet boarded the wizened 192 bus on the enchanted Unley Road, she could not help but feel nervous. “Will I fit in?” she wondered out loud, “Will I make friends at Ligertwarts?” Suddenly a girl with bushy hair and slightly too large teeth turned around and asked Harriet, “Are you studying Law at Ligertwarts this year?” With a note of trepidation in her voice, Harriet said “Why yes I am! My name is Harriet, what’s yours? Are we now friends who will go on several magical quests all the while learning about ourselves” The bushy haired girl considered this and then quickly responded, “No, now fuck off freak”. Harriet was already off to the bad start she feared.

Chapter 2 After five magic hours, (magic hours are billed ten times every six Muggle minutes), the bus pulled up at the Ligertwarts Building, Harriet’s new home of all things law and legal. The Ligertwarts Building was an amazing sight of pre-fabricated concrete and faux-stone walls, all tied together with a misguided 1960s design. Harriet thought it was wonderful, but Harriet did have dicky eyes. “First ‘ears, this way, first ‘ears, this way”, bellowed a voice. Harriet looked over and saw the largest, bushiest man she had ever seen. “Excuse me, sir”, Harriet tentatively inquired, “Are you half giant? I do not mean to pry, but I am new to Ligertwarts and have lots to learn.” “No, I’m just morbidly obese”, he rudely told her, ”Now get into Bonython ‘all for induction before I cut ya”. Things were going worse than imagined.

By KJ Menzling THE HILARIAN 04/2011 -6-

her Highlighter back and forth across the Case. Harriet could not believe her eyes. The parchment now had thick lines of fluorescent yellow across it. “That spell shows you the Lawcraft principle which the Case establishes”, she said smugly. “I nearly have the obiter dicta spell learnt as well”, she added before sauntering off to the front of the hall.

Chapter 3 Harriet was swept up the grand flight of stairs into Bonython Hall. Harriet marveled at the enchanted ceiling, which always looked like plain plaster, no matter what the weather was outside. Thousands of fluorescent light bulbs hung from the ceiling casting a harsh white light around the entire hall. Some even flickered due to the poor maintenance work in the hall!

“What a bitch!” opined Rom. He was about to add further curses when a very old, stern woman with a pinched face approached the podium. “Quiet all, quiet all. My name is Moira McDonnagol and I am the School Manager here at Ligertwarts. Please be quiet as Dean Dumpydore will address you soon. That is all” and she promptly sat down in a stern silence.

Harriet soon found herself next to a tall gangly red-haired boy with a mess of freckles covering his face. “Hullo, my name is Rom, what’s yours?” he said. “My name is Harriet and it’s my first day here. Have you ever seen anything as wonderful as this place before?” Harriet said breathlessly.

“Dean Dumpydore!” Rom exclaimed excitedly. “But he is only the most famous Lawyer this side of North Terrace” he breathlessly added. Harriet felt butterflies in her stomach even thinking about Dumpydore. She was about to add a witty comment when she noticed a sallow-faced man with thick dank hair cupping his boney face. He was staring at Harriet with an intensity that she had never experienced before.

Rom replied “I’ve been coming here for the last ten years as each of my seventeen brothers and sisters have studied at Ligertwarts”. This caused Harriet to become very concerned. “Everyone is going to know so much Lawcraft already and I’m going to be so far behind”, Harriet muttered to herself morosely. “That’s right” said an abrasive voice from behind them. Harriet turned around to see the bushy haired girl from the bus. “I’ve already read all the Textbooks and all of the Recommended Readings and all of the Cases, even the ones that were not on the Magic Reading List”, she said spitefully. This seemed to confirm Harriet’s worst fears.

“Rom who is that man staring at me? He looks like he hates me!” Harriet tentatively asked. “That is Mature Age Representative Snope and don’t worry he hates everyone. He’s a Mature Ager!” Rom added brightly.” This did little to placate Harriet and she looked at Snope again. He stared at her even more intensely. Their eyes locked together and she stared back at him, afraid to break his gaze. Suddenly, Harriet felt a piercing pain where her scar was and everything faded to black…

“Watch this Lawcraft spell I learnt from our Foundations of Australian Lawcraft Textbook” she said boastfully and took out a very thick Case printed on A4 parchment. She pulled her Magic Highlighter out of her pocket and pointed it at the case. She shouted “ratio decideni!” and THE flicked HILARIAN 04/2011



Pride v Precedent A NOVEL A NOVEL


PRELUDE It is a truth universally acknowledged that every high-achieving law student is in need of a good slap. Elizabeth Cathy Eyre was no exception. Fiery and independent from a young age, ElizaCathy loved nothing more than promenading in the Adelaide Hills with her half-brother Heathledge and pouring over current legislation from lands all over the world. But the Eyre’s had fallen upon bad times. Elizabeth’s mother, Mrs Poodgy Busy-Body Bennet Eyre was determined to send Elizabeth to a prestigious school so that she may snare a wealthy mate,

‘I overheard at my Cranford book club that the aristocratic French family will be taking residence at Ligertwood Hall this summer’, she said to her husband, Mr. Bennet Eyre, hoping to pique his interest. ‘Their eldest, Colin James, I believe he’s known to many as CJ, will be studying at Adelaide Law School. Mr. Bennet Eyre, we must get Elizabeth into that school. Oh good heavens!”

‘Oh please be quiet you tiresome woman, Mr. Bennet Eyre exclaimed to his wife, as he wistfully tried to cut her. But Mr. Bennet Eyre ordered his down-stairs “friends” to sell all of the ducks and Elizabeth was enrolled to start the very next week.


Elizabeth was very well prepared for her first day of class. She soon became known as the haughty wretch in who highlighted and post-itnoted everything. On her break between Torts 1 and Contracts, she took a stroll on North Terrace, where a spray-painted upright piano stood opposite the Art Gallery. Suddenly, a man with devil-may-care dark hair and piercing blue eyes approached her on a white stallion like she had never seen before, ‘My name is French. But you can call me CJ. You must not expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your circumstances but would you please play a tune and this random piano?’ Elizabeth was outraged and said,

‘Mr Bennet Eyre tried ever so hard to cut his wife.’

‘Sir, do you think I am an automaton? A machine without feelings? It is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave and we stood at God’s feet, equal!’

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 -8-

‘Sir, from the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last lawyer in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to go to Supermild Manor with,’ Elizabeth replied with full force of four chardonnays.

Elizabeth excused herself and impetuously drank another three chardonnays to work up the courage to talk to some of the local lawfolk from Kelly and Co.


Elizabeth remembered little from the night before. She vaguely remembered calling her ex-boyfriend while hysterically crying and her phone history proved she’d called him 67 times within 2 short hours. ‘The Beatings of UniSA students were ever so popular amongst the gallant lads at the Spring Law Ball.’

‘Forgive me, Madame. Your ramblings are completely incomprehensible. I must depart’. And the man jumped on his horse and galloped toward Ligertwood Hall. Elizabeth was quite distracted and not herself in class for the rest of the day. To raise her spirits, her quixotic friend, Emma invited her to the Spring Law Ball to cheer her up.


The Spring Law Ball at the Adelaideshire Convention Manor exuded a kind of decadence Elizabeth had never experienced before. Killawarra champagne was gently poured from the ceiling. Plastic decorations, hung from the ceiling like intricate tapestries. Vaguely familiar people she might have met once or twice in high school glared at her from behind the bar. As Elizabeth imbibed her fourth glass of Wolf Blass Chardonnay, CJ approached her and said, ‘My darling Elizabeth, you’re a bit of a prawn but you’re feisty. You possess a certain poise that is mysterious to me. I like that. Would you care to accompany me to the Spring Ball at Supermild Manor this upcoming Friday next week?’.

She decided that a stroll along the crystal clear Torrens would help the melancholy that clouded her thoughts dissipate. While staring into the deep blue depths of the river, CJ emerged from the water. She did not know if it was his seethrough white shirt or the way he shook his curly locks around, but Elizabeth realised she was madly and deeply in love with him. CJ came toward her, Elizabeth felt a flutter of pleasure rise in her breast, as she found her arm drawn within his and pressed against his heart, ‘Time, my dearest Elizabeth, time will allow us to be together” he said in a subdued voice. In a louder tone, Elizabeth replied,

‘You are very kind to take a chance on this distant, legal heart. CJ you are the ratio to my dicta - nay - you are an unanimous judgment from all seven High Court judges. You are my 100% result from TurnItIn, because we completely match”. And so the happy couple returned hand in hand to live happily, in peace, at Ligertwood Hall. When they arrived, they discovered it had been deliberately burned to the ground. Well that’s what happens when you keep a crazy exgirlfriend in the attic! Oh good heavens!

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 -9-

EPILOGUE Elizabeth and CJ had been going steady for almost 5 years. CJ had been made partner at Messers Minter Ellison & Co, whilst Elizabeth somewhat brashly became middle secretary in the Law School Office, proving once and for all that a woman could have it all.

Unfortunately, CJ had an attack of the heart in their curtained bed one night. To hide the disgrace which would surely fall upon her if anyone found out they were sharing a bed out of wed-lock, Elizabeth and her under-over-lady’s maid, carried CJ’s body down to the old Law Library, where his corpse is yet to be discovered.

Elizabeth had fallen pregnant by him however and she attempted to abort the foetus by slipping on a piece of soap. Unfortunately, she hit her head on the side of the bath and died. Her half-brother, Heathledge was stricken by grief and remained till the end of his days at the mound of her grave, reading her favourite cases over and over into the night….

‘Heathledge kept a manequin which he pretended was his dead sister and would dance and dance with it, till he collapsed in a frenzy of ecstacy.’

Graduating soon? If you want to seek admission as a lawyer then you should enrol in Practical Legal Training (PLT) with The College of Law. The College is Australia’s only truly national PLT provider offering programs in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth and Canberra. Our Graduate Diploma of Legal Practice offers:  multiple start dates throughout the year  full-time and part-time options to suit your work situation  flexible online learning platform  Practice Papers included free of charge  online legal job board to help you find work experience  experienced practitioners as lecturers

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THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 10 -



out world,

Here Comes



faster than a

speeding locamotive! A CHILDREN’S THEGUIDE TO ADMIN LAW HILARIAN 04/2011 - 11 -

David was a regular 40 something man. Just like every other man on his street he woke up in the morning, he ate his breakfast and he put on his tie before going to work every day.

Hi kids, I’m David the Ombudsman. I do something, I think.

But there was something unique about David, something which made him quite different to all the other men on his street. He was typically quiet and shrewd, but underneath that bearded exterior lay abilities which very few people had. David had special powers. David had the power to investigate complaints and make recommendations to government agencies by those who felt like they had been treated unfairly by them. David was an Ombudsman! One day, on his way to work, David spotted his neighbour Gabby crying on the steps of her house. David had always liked Gabby as she had always been nice to him when he brought his paper inside. She wasn’t like everyone else on the street who thought David was a bit of a loser.

Hi Davidstopped.“What’sthematter,Gabby?”,hesaid. kids, I’m Gabby. I have a cup full “Oh nothing” Gabby sobbed, picking up a tattered of rainbows! box from beside her leg. “I just got this Birthday present from my mum overseas but it’s been ruined by the postal service!” She shook it, and a loud clatter of broken glass came from the box. “That can’t be right” said David. “Did you speak with the delivery man or someone from the Post Office about it?” “I did. They said there was nothing they would do about it. And now the vase I’ve always wanted is ruined. You can’t help me, can you David?” David handed Gabby a small card with a telephone number on it; “I think I can, Gabby. Call me in an hour or so when I’m at work” THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 12 -

An hour later, when David was settled into his office cubicle the telephone rang. He picked up the receiver. “Hello. Postal Industry Ombudsman’s Hi Office, this is David speaking” kids, I’m Gabby’s crushed “David? You’re the Ombudsman? I box. Help me get cant believe it!” Gabby said from the compensation! other end of the phone. “Perhaps you can help me!” David smiled. They spoke on the phone for hours and hours and after Gabby filled out a lengthy complaint form he was ready to investigate the matter further. “Oh thank you David! I’m sure I’m going to be compensated fairly now that I know you’re looking after it for me!” Gabby shrieked. “No worries Gabby. We will have a full inquiry into your situation and have some results for you as soon as possible!” 18 months later David knocked on Gabby’s door. He was carrying a big spiral bound document. “Oh hi David” Gabby sighed. “What’s that you have under your arm?” “Well” David said. “We looked into your complaint. And while we could only recommend that postal workers treat packages with more care and diligence we were also able to highlight to Australia Post that their maximum compensation sum of $50 for damaged mail had not been changed since 1987.” Hi “Oh” questioned Gabby. kids, I’m money. Gabby “We recommended to them that they adjust won’t be getting this rate according to the CPI to $100.06” me back! “Wow, you didn’t have to do all that David” said a very blank Gabby. “No worries Gabby!” shouted David, “Nothing’s too big for the Ombudsman!”

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 13 -

A. Christopher A Statute of Great Stature Chapter 1

It was one of those hot summer afternoons in the Ligertwood. Most students had gone home, the student lounge was almost empty and the scent of failure and Paco Rabanne was in the air. This was Linda’s favourite part of the week. The stress of coffee hour was past and all the doughnuts had been sold. Satisfied with her work at Briefs, Linda pondered on whether to treat herself to a Sara-Lee Chocolate Pudding or a Sara-Lee Sticky Date Pudding after work. Events such as these were the few things that excited Linda these days. Just as Linda was ready to close the counter, a tall stranger approached her on the other side of the partition. Could this be the man Linda had been waiting for her whole life?

Chapter 2

“Hello,” the tall stranger said. “It sure feels great knowing its Friday, doesn’t it?” Linda didn’t know how to respond to such a personal question. No one had ever been so direct and upfront with her before. Both angry and confused, Linda decided to ignore him.

“It sure feels great knowing its Friday, doesn’t it?” he repeated. Linda had had enough. For too long had men treated her like this. Expecting her to be at their beck and call, rub their feet, cook them stew. Well, not this time, she thought. Linda finally raised her head from the register to give this man a piece of her mind when she met his gaze. Maybe it was the heat of the Ligertwood, or maybe it was the effects of her sixth jam filled berlina, but the eyes of this stranger pierced her soul more deeply than any other, and Linda immediately felt as if she was floating on air. She needed to speak, to make a noise at this mysterious stranger.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 14 -

Chapter 3

After what felt like an eternity, Linda responded. “Hi there, can I help you with anything.” Linda felt her glasses begin to slip from her nose as she began to perspire from sheer bashfulness. Luckily, the glasses were attached to a stylish yet thick elastic cord around her neck she had bought last week from Lincraft so she was not to make a fool of herself. “Maybe you can,” the stranger finally replied. “I think I need something sweet to finish this week off. What would you recommend?” Linda’s heart almost skipped a beat. “What about a Curly Wurly”, she suggested. “Hmmm,” he sighed. “That is sweet. But I’m sure there’s something else here that is probably sweeter. Something I want to taste. Something that wants to be tasted. Something that’s never been tasted before.” The tall stranger looked into Linda’s eyes once more. It was then that she noticed his glorious face. Patches of orange facial hair randomly grew at irregular thicknesses and freckles dotted the spaces surrounding. Oh how Linda would have loved to connect the freckles to the patches. Oh what fun she would have, she thought to herself. It was at this moment that the man gave her a furtive smile and walked away. “But what about your sugary treat,” she wailed. But it was too late. He had disappeared. Who was he? She needed to find out.

Chapter 4

After a few minutes of staring blankly at the wall, Linda decided to take action. She started to close up Briefs and changed her socks. Her tinea had been flaring up recently and she didn’t want anything to get in her way. Just as she was about to run to the front desk, Linda’s most regular customer, Gert, approached her. “Linda, I saw you talking to Warwick. Looked like you two were pretty hot and heavy,” she said whistled stuffing her mouth with Caramel TimTams. “You know who he is? Tell me please? I think he’s my destiny” Linda replied. “He’s just a weirdo that hangs around the statutes on the lower level of the Law Library.” That was all Linda needed to know. She left Briefs in a frenzy, leaving the basket of cakes and muffins on display despite Gert being in such close proximity. She didn’t care anymore; she was in love with a man called Warwick. What a distinguished name, he might even be an Earl, she pondered.

Chapter 5

Linda arrived at the Law Library at last. Of course she would find Warwick here, she thought, in a place of such great learning and knowledge. She made her way to the bottom level and ran immediately to the statutes. There he was, standing there, in his three quarter cargo pants and Futurama t-shirt, waiting for her. “You found me, my something sweet.” He said with a smile, yellow-brown teeth gleaming in the fluorescent light. “What can I say, I’m pretty good at following,” Linda replied, stealthily adjusting her Victorian undergarments. “Can I offer you something to drink? A glass of snowdrop perhaps?” He said, pulling a bottle out of his rugged Billabong backpack. “Oh yes please,” Linda responded. Linda took a swig of the warm liquid and let it glide slowly down her throat. The bubbles tickled her insides in what Linda hoped would be a sign of the incandescent pleasure to come. “Oh Warwick, I’ve been waiting so long for you to arrive in my life.” “And I you, Linda. Now, put that snowdrop down and kiss me.” Using his fingers, he pushed her hard against the bookcase of New Zealand Statutes from 1902-1978 and kissed her. His breath tasted a mixture of snowdrop and masculinity, and Linda couldn’t get enough. With one hand she grabbed the back of his neck in a tight embrace and with the other, tenderly stroked the calluses on the backs of his knees. Warwick responded by sliding his hand slowly down her torso untll it was just above her obiter. Firmly yet gently he began to caress this sensitive area, making Linda moan in transcendent delight. Wanting to equally please, Linda moved her hand down to his region. Warwick noticed her intentions and loosened the drawstring of his pants, allowing them to fall to his knees. Linda gasped. She had never seen a man’s organ before but knew his dictum was something special. Placing his dictum inside her obiter, Warwick and Linda made love by the statutes, climaxing with Warwick releasing his ratio over both Linda and the texts. “Will I ever see you again Warwick,” Linda asked, she knew he was too good to be true. “Probably, I’m unemployed and I don’t go anywhere,” he replied. This was music to Linda’s ears, Linda thought to herself. Music to her ears.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 15 -



The Wicked People of Bligertwood Once upon a time there was a place called Bligertwood. The residents of Bligertwood were very evil and did only wicked things like answer questions in tutorials and stand for positions on the LSS. 2 The people of Bligertwood had turned away from God and they knew not of his message of love. 3 But there was one man in Bligertwood who knew of God’s message of love. His name was Joseph. Joseph had three close friends, Eliza, Catherine and Jacob. They were good people and lived by God’s will and understood his message of love, and property law, which was proof that they were not only goodly people, but intelligent too.


The Angel Cometh 4 One day, while Eliza was with the washer-women in the River of Torrens and Catherine was bathing in the waters to cool the burns on her hands after her failed attempt to prune the burning bush, an angel appeared before them. 5 The angel looked exactly like an ordinary human being. The angel approached Eliza and said “Lo, I am an angel of the Lord”. 6 Being confused, Eliza asked “How do we know that you are an angel of the Lord?” The angel then turned to her and said, “If I wasn’t an angel, then how could I do this!” And with that, the angel threw his hands up towards the sky as lighter fluid spewed forth from his sleeves. 7 “But from wherever did the lighter fluid come from?”, exclaimed Eliza, “You are the real deal”. The angel replied “I have a message to deliver to you from God. Bligertwood is an evil building and God wishes to destroy it and all the evil people inhabiting it”. Catherine was eavesdropping on them and waded over to the angel “But what of the Asian studies students on Level 5? Do they not deserve to live?” 9 Before the angel could answer the sky opened and a voice thundered from the skies, “Especially the Asian studies students!” bellowed God. 10 Catherine inquired further, “Please don’t be angry God, but why are you so determined to destroy the Asian studies students? They are not like the other citizens of Bligertwood. They are good and true people, with really nice food, although a tad studious”. 11 “Behold”, answered God with frustration, “They are Asian studies students not Asians, although most are Asian. It is just that they always hog the elevator and never take the stairs! With bags on wheels as well! I am just worried that the world I created is changing in ways that I don’t like or understand”. 8

And with that the clouds closed again. The angel said to Eliza and Catherine “Apologies, he’s been a bit tense lately. Anyway, the key take-away from this is that God will destroy Bligertwood in the first week of university of the year. Please, take yourselves, Jacob and Joseph and escape as quickly as you can”. 13 And then a cloud of smoke appeared and the angel seemed to disappear into thin air. “How mysterious!” exclaimed Catherine, “he’s just like a magician or something”. 12

The Sacking of Bligertwood 14 Soon it was the Monday morning of the first week of the university year and God knew that almost all of the evil inhabitants would be in Bligertwood. 15 God knew that he did not have long as many of Bligertwood’s residents would not be present for long. 16 God opened his cabinet of destruction and surveyed the many tools at his disposal to destroy Bligertwood: fire, lightning, earthquakes, floods, corporate law, plagues of locusts, plagues of commerce students or nuclear holocaust. After a long day, Jacob, Catherine, Eliza and Joseph were sitting in a seminar room waiting for their tutor to arrive. As they were goodly people, they knelt down and prayed to God. 18 Suddenly, God’s voice thundered down and gave them their final instructions. “I tell you; in 5 minutes I will send my wrath to destroy Bligertwood. You must run from that place as fast as you can and never look back, for if you look back then your flesh will be turned to stone in an instant”. 19 “Five minutes! I thought we would get more notice than that!” shouted Joseph. They all sprinted down the stairwell of Bligertwood so that they could make their escape. 17

As they rounded the last corner Jacob bumped into Fotina and they were both sent tumbling to the ground. 21 “Watch where you are going!” cried Fotina, “this is not a race-track you know!”. “Sorry Fotina but this whole place is about to be destroyed by God so you’d better get out of here!”. 22 With that, Fotina leapt to her feet and joined Jacob. As the group was running away, Fotina stopped. “What are you doing?” yelled Jacob. “One can never leave the Front Office!” cried Fotina, “What if a student needs help? Who will be there to make their reasonable request seem onerous?” 20

As Fotina turned to return to Bligertwood, Eliza cried out “Fotina do not look back!”. But it was too late. 23

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 16 -



Fotina turned around to look at the Bligertwood building one last time. As Fotina turned around the clouds opened and God, as he had warned, turned Fotina into stone. 24

The Rebirth of Bligertwood 25 The group looked back at where the Bligertwood building used to stand and fell to their knees beseeching guidance from the merciful Lord. Suddenly the clouds opened and God said unto them “I now task you with rebuilding Bligertwood so that it stands bigger and better than ever before”. 26 “But Lord”, Jacob replied, “we are not architects and nor do we have art or design qualifications”. “That will not matter. The uglier the better” decreed the Lord in all his wisdom. 27 Acting on God’s instructions, Jacob, Catherine, Eliza and Joseph did their best to rebuild the Bligertwood building as best they could. 28 And, when they were finished, God affixed a neon sign to their creation which would shine like a star in the night sky to guide all travellers on their way…

The Lesson of Bligertwood 29 This story explains how the Ligertwood building came to be. It also teaches us to never turn away from God and that we should always follow his instructions or else he might go crazy one day and destroy everything. 30 After all, God can be vengeful and prone to overreaction when he gets stressed, as well as inconsistent and confusing at times .

“Join us next time to hear Patrick McCaffrie’s list of Top Ten Best Bible Passages about unscrupulous lawyers absuing the poor!” - Sandy the Ligertwood Angel


and get  ready  to  go  places

Interested to  fnd  out:   who  we  are? what  we  do? what  it’s  like  to  work  in  a   leading  commercial  law  frm?

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 17 -






THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 18 -

I sure am glad I’ve finished my property assignment.

What is this! There are no more cover sheets for my assignment...

It was a lot of work, Snowy, but there’s nothing like a job well done!

A mystery on our hands...

Let’s go to the Front Office. They’ll be able to clear up this conundrum before the 2pm deadline!

Closed? But it’s only midday!

You’re making a mistake Tintin! Nothing good ever comes out of going to the Front Office.

Wait, what’s that folder? I’m sure that wasn’t there before.

Oh Tintin, nothing comes Oh Tintin, nothinggood good comes outout of of the theLaw LawLibrary... Library... it smells like2-week-old 2-week-old it smells like sausage rolls strawberry milkdown down there. there.

Top Secret! And there’s a letter inside...

Excuse me sir, sir. II have have aa Excuse me questionabout aboutaaCLR. CLR. question

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 19 -

43 CLR 153...hmmm..what could that be??? A Colorado number plate? A cleaner’s phone number...? I suppose it could be something to do with the Law Library. I think we should go downstairs and investigate Snowy!

ARGGHGHG Blistering barnacles! Tintin! ARGGHGHG Blistering Barnacles! It’s me, Captain Haddock, you harbeus Tintin! It’s me, Captain Haddock, you corpse-hands. habeus corpse-hands.

Well helphelp Well can canyou you me mystery? withwith mymy mystery? What CLR 153? 153? What is is 43 43 CLR

CaptainHaddock, Haddock, what Captain what are aredoing you doing working you working here?here?

you you asbestos ridden II don’t don’tknow know asbestosratio decidendii! ridden ratio decidendi! I’m where’s my my rum? rum? I’m drunk... drunk...where’s

Tintin AAGGH AAGGH you you fidgeting fidgeting Ligertwood! I workI work here here don’t I, Ligertwood, asdon’t a Law Library I, as a Lawlackey. LibraryI’m broke youI’m see... lackey. broke you see...

Gosh, this is all a bit tricky. Maybe the computer will be of more help.

Bought all all the Bought the reccommended recommended textbooksfor fortorts Torts,and and now textbooks now I I can’t afford a drink... ca’t afford a drink...

Alright, I’ll refresh my News Feed one more time and then I’ll look up what a CLR is.

Hello, what’s this? A message from ‘Mysterious Cloaked Stranger…I thought I turned chat off…

Mysterious Cloaked Stranger What are you doing on the computer? Why arenʼt you solving the mystery? I got distracted... so whatʼs 43 CLR 153? Itʼs page 153 of volume 43 of the Commonwealth Law Reports. Arenʼt you meant to be a 4th year? Oh right... so where exactly would I find that? Downstairs of course!


So many books! No wonder nobody bothers coming down here.

the lighting sure is Gosh, harsh down here Snowy!

There’s a

There’s a downdownstairs stairs to the lito the brary?


Here it is! Hello, what’s this at the citation… it’s a document labeled top secret…”

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 20 -

What’s this? opium den?

Gee gosh Snowy! The

crusty old dean is going


to turn the law library into an opium den for Hong Kong sailors!


We recieved an ...that the law school   anonymous email board is meeting at saying to meet 1:57 in Brief’s Cafe for you at this exact a discount coffee to time to tell you... formalize the new Law Opium Den

No, I’m Thompson!

Not if we can help it, dear Tintin.

Tompson and Reuters, what a pleasant and unnecessary surprise!

But it’s 1:56. Quickly, we haven’t a momen

And I’m Reuters with a ‘P’.


Evidently, Thompson.

Oh dear, who left that piece of asbestos lying there? Looks like we’ll be suing the Law School

It’s the crusty old dean and the head ofthe international opium smuggling group Mrs Heisenberg. C’mon Snowy, let’s see what we can eavesdrop on.

Do we have an agreement? For 20,000 Sylvdarian florins you will give us the entirety of the Law Library to convert into the dankest opium den this

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 21 -

Look, there’s the meeting.

Yes, yes. But no one can know of our agreement until I have left the Law School. If the populace was to discover our plans there would be pandemonium! A few more days of no assignment cover shoots and this Library will be all yours!

game’sup, up,crusty crustyold olddean! dean! Thegame’s The IIknow about your your little little knoweverything everthing about planand andI’m I’mgoing goingto toalert alertthe the plan authorities immediately. authorities immediately.

But doing this? But whywhy areare youyou doing this? Why Why are are you youdestroying destroying everything everything worked towards? you’veyou’ve worked towards?

Tintin! students toinsee in Ofallallthe people to see Tintin!Of this this foyer! foyer! It’s It’s too too late latefor for you youto stop up. Our nefarious scheme is in to stop us. Our nefarious scheme motion there be no slowing us is in and motion andwill there is nothing down. Tiedo... himtie to him the chair you can to theHeiny! chair!


I can chew through these ropes and save the day!

What does this have to do with the cover

Because I need to get out of this soul-sucking Law School. With those florins I’ll be finally able to open up the discount chemist I have always dreamt of.

  Really Tintin? Is that what you will do for your Property assignment? ...have you not seen the time?

With no assignment cover sheets no one can hand up their assignments on time. Hundreds of students will failand I can justify the Law Library sale to the Board of Governors and make my escape!

Got you! You do know there are cover sheets on MyUni that you cover sheets on MyUni that you can just print off. As plans go, this is not a very good one.

This assignment was optional and redeemable. So it really doesn’t matter at all.


That’s right Tintin. You’re past the date and going to get a 5% due deduction off your final grade!

Golly, it’s 2:12pm! I’m past the deadline!


Fin. No books or animals were harmed in the making of this comic.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 22 -

Dress for Success

As Summer Clerkships descend upon us, many of our readers will find themselves ready to go out on a Friday for a bucket of unwooded chardonnay, but don’t have the time to go home and change. Fear no longer! Our style editor, Bitzy Boo, and guest editor, Lauren Conrad, demonstrate how you can go from office drab to party fab in seconds!

BEFORE Office Sensible!

I Am Business!

Lauren: Look at Lily. All scraggy haired and bug-eyed, like an accountant’s Raggedy Anne doll. She look like she’s just finished a hard day of refreshing her Facebook news feed and her posture, really reflects this. She needs Lauren and Bitzy to the rescue!

Lauren: Andrews looks like a cross between an 80-year-old Anthony Lapaglia and some sort of mole person. You know, like ethnic gone wrong? Bitzy: He makes me want to vomit in my motuh and then swallow and then vomit even bigger. By the cut of this suit, I’m guessing his law firm has no business casual on Fridays! Even when 45 degrees out!

Bitzy: Totally Lauren. Absolutely agree. Her workwear may be sensible and discrete for an office environment, but a complete FAIL for partying!

Lauren: I’m not afriad to say that this will be the greatest challenge of my life.

Lauren: This will be one office makevoer I don’t think anyone will forget.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 23 -

AFTER! Office to Drinks in 60 Seconds! Office Bore to Tropical Whore!

Lauren: Wow what a transformation! By letting your hair down from its ponytail, you’re telling your colleagues “I’m a care-free gal”. Unbuttoning a few top buttons shows you are ready to party!

Lauren: Lily looks sensational. So en vogue. This look can be achieved by accessorising. The must have looks this summer? Plants! A fresh fern frond plucked from your law firm’s reception is my pick!

Bitzy: To dress up a dull outfit, add a stylish bow draped carelessly around your neck. To do this, simply place a tie around your neck and tie it in a bow. Bows! Cute.

Bitzy: The cute pink clutch, the aviators and the beautiful blue belt all add some pizzaz to a once drab outfit. And all from lost property!

Lauren: For even more of summer look, spice Lauren: Seriously, one word. Contact lenses frenzy! things up with a cute pair of espadrilles! THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 24 -

AFTER! Simply Sullen to Sexy Stallion!

Legal Clerk to Clerk Kent!

Lauren: OK. Wow. Andrew looks amazing. He is wearing his normal suit jacket back to front, to make a slick, stylish silhouette in black. Teaming it with a waist belt from his office pants really finished the look.

Lauren: Andrew looks sexy. I mean really sexy. Bitzy: The best part is, it’s so easy for guys to achieve! Office stationary is so often overlooked in the rush to get to the six o’clock swill. Placing post-it notes in vertical lines is instantly slimming. Highlighters are also great for a quick nail polish!

Bitzy: And the scarf found in a Partner’s office really helps to add that dash of colour. And his posture has dramatically improved. He’s no longer the Lauren: The hat stolen from a cleaner screams little office girl he was before. He is ready to stop I’m ready to party. Something which the sleeves. acting for a party and starting to party! rolled-up will definitely indicate . THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 25 -

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! While Hallowe’en is not traditionally celebrated in Australia, the Adelaide Law School likes to celebrate it by sacrificing one year’s LSS team to welcome in next year’s team. So let’s hear if they have any final words before we set them alight on a pyre in Taib Mahmud Court.

President - Megan Comerford Friends, Romans, country men... I have a dream…. That next year people will know the LSS exists. I have a dream…. A dream that hand in hand we will be allowed into the Professions Hub. I have a dream…that Flinders will agree to something we propose. I am humbled to have been your President. I’d like to thank God, Charles Darwin and the Dean. During my ruling and reign, I have negotiated with the faculty to better all aspects of student life. We are now harder, better, faster, stronger … And if the faculty tries to stop us, god help them, we will fight them on the beaches, as we float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. We fight for our microwave, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. I have dedicated my every effort to ensure the support of the next LSS. And they are a good team led by a good President. I meant Sophie, not me, because I’m still the President I think for another 6 weeks. So watch out. We can do things! I was elected by the people of Ligertwood to do a job. I was not elected by the factional leaders to do a job, though they may be seeking to do a job on me, that’s a separate matter. Today I seek a mandate for the Adelaide people to move the Adelaide Law School forward. Together we can move forward. Moving forward is the most important thing we can do. Let’s move forward. I leave you now. While we walk through the valley of the shadow of Ligertwood, you’ll fear no evil, as I am with you. My will shall be done in a commercial law firm as it is in the law school. But for now, the kingship, the power and the glory are MINE. Now and forever until November 30. So do not ask what the LSS can do for you, but what you can do for your LSS because, friends together, yes we can!!!!

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 26 -

Vice President (Education) Gabrielle Golding

The Beginning . ..

In Semester 1, while the AULSS Activities Team were planning on how to not get us banned from another potential Law Ball venue, the Education Team were working hard towards getting the First Year Law Students ready for their big year ahead with introductory tutorials.

These introductory tutorials were appropriately titled ‘How to be Awesome at Law.’ We were .. . enough to host two former high-achieving Adelaide University Law students, Daniel Kiley ... and Chris Shute. Daniel and Chris gave a fantastic presentation on how to prepare for Law exams, and mentioned things that First Years ought to know, which your lecturers won’t necessarily tell you (e.g. just because you got 99.95 for your TER doesn’t mean you’ll get that kind of mark for your Torts I assignment – be happy with a 65C, and own it!). Even in my fifth year, I still learnt a lot from their presentations, and I know that all of the First Year Students who attended were grateful for their time.


The Middle

Throughout the year, we have advocated on behalf of a number of students with their education concerns. We have also promoted external education opportunities open to students, including Murdoch University’s Chinese Law Programme coming up in early 2012, which a number of students applied for. Recently, I was pleased to hear that from 2012, all compulsory Law lectures (excluding First Year lectures) will have an online class enrolment option available. This is very exciting news for those of you who are having problematic timetable clashes, and for those who prefer to listen to lectures at weird hours of the night, or in bed on your laptop!

The End

Our main project for Semester 2 has been the development of the AULSS Law Elective Subject Guide, which is to be released online by the end of the year. The process of putting this Guide together has been lengthy, and has benefitted greatly from those students who completed the AULSS’ online elective subject survey. We are grateful to those students who took the time to complete the survey – your feedback will be very beneficial to future Law students in assisting them choose what electives are right for them. Finally, I am especially thankful to Evelyn Johns (Education Representative) who has been a great support throughout the year. I wish Molly Snaith (Vice-President (Education) Elect) all the best for the role in 2012!

Activities - Sophie Waples Once again, 2011 brought you a whole range of social events which allowed you to cut loose and celebrate being an awesome law student. Oakbank, ‘Lawsome’ and scrabble-filled pub-crawls, inducting the first years into the life of a law student at their first year drinks, indie/hipster themed quiz night and the annual trivarsity SALSC Law dinner with French CJ as the guest speaker filled the weeks of this year. And who could possibly forget the annual, notorious, dangerously fun and personal reputationdestroying Law Ball. The Ball was held at the Grand at Glenelg and saw more than 850 attendees put on their sparkling masks and rock the dance floor. The Activities Team has loved bringing you all these events and seeing you enjoy yourselves so much. Thanks to Joseph Scales, your Activities Director for Semester 1 of this year, and Activities Representatives Tash Hayes, Alyce Ricciardi and Richard Hordern-Gibbings for all their hard work this year. With Annie Reeve leading the new team as your Activities Director, and Edward Gainer, Kate Healy and Robert Cannizzaro as your representatives for 2012, you can be guaranteed even bigger and better activities in 2012! Plans include bringing back the First Year Law Camp and introducing an O-Week Party, amongst others. Get ready for another big year... THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 27 -

Competitions - Jon Black-Tiong Competitions have finished for the year in what has been a fun and relatively smooth year. Thanks should go to all the competitors and volunteers who put in the time and effort to compete, in what was hopefully a challenging but enjoyable experience. In particular congratulations should go to the finalists and winners of each of our competitions listed below. I would encourage anyone who is interested to enter next year. Competitions, while perhaps challenging and daunting ultimately provide a valuable learning experience and you get to meet some great people and speak before lawyers and judges within the Adelaide Community, including this year Chief Justice Doyle of Australian Supreme Court.



Finally thanks to Katie Aust, Michael Calabrese and Justin O’Donohoe the Competitions Representatives whose contributions were invaluable in bringing these comps together. Finalists Kelly & Co Open Moot Warwick Ambrose, Michael Norris & Tyson Reid Allens Arthur Robinson Witness Jonathon Liong Examination Clayton Utz Negotiations Michael Tsiavlis & Michael Norris Freehills Client Interviewing Igor Popov & Ellen Beattie Cowell Clarke First Year Moot Lisa Christo, Eva Stockigt & Melissa Wegener

Winners Lloyd Wicks

Sam Blackman Bec Schultz & Megan Comerford Hugh Bond & Tim Hitches John Eldridge

Social Justice - Emmanuel Njuguna The Social Justice team is all about raising awareness of the alternatives to a Corporate/ Commercial legal career. To do this, the team and I have worked on creating events and pointing out initiatives that can point law students in the right direction. Over the course of the year, we were able to organise 2 breakfasts, one on Human Rights Law and another on Environmental Law. Both of these were sold out and were really informative sessions. We also have sent out info via the President’s emails about some interesting events and programs with a Social Justice twist. We’ve also been able to share information about volunteering and work experience opportunities. Overall it’s been a great year; we’ve been able to get a lot done. The team and I have been really encouraged by the number of students who have shown interest in the events and initiatives that we launched, who says that all law students are soulless?

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 28 -

Found on MyUni James Apps shares with us a rather descriptive Course Profile he found for an elective on MyUni. SCHOOL OF LAW

Human Rights Internship (3 units) COURSE OUTLINE

COURSE AIMS In this course students should gain the following graduate attributes: 1. A practical understanding of the various medical problems associated with living in the Third World; 2. Knowledge of the dynamics of the gastrointestinal tract and bowels; and 3. The ability to speak with locals in bastardised English e.g. “Where doctor? Sick. Very sick (make gesture of finger moving backwards and forwards towards exposed tongue). Owww. Owwww in belly (point to belly). Medicine. I need medicine. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? MED-ICI-NE (make gesture of swallowing pills and ignore laughter of nearby schoolchildren)”. ASSESSMENT The portfolio has four components: 1. An agreed colonoscopy and gastroscopy at Bumrungrad Hospital Bangkok (approximately $3000) (worth 60%); 2. A reflection on said procedure, focusing on recovery on Khao San Road in bed bug ridden hostel; (pass/fail); 3. A discussion of successful interactions with tuktuk and moto drivers (approximately ¼ page) (worth 10%); 4. A list of useful local phrases e.g.;

I cannot eat anything from the sea. I am allergic. If I eat it I will die.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 29 -

That means no oyster sauce or prawns, mind! (approximately a page) (worth 30%).

DATES Last day to obtain human rabies immunoglobulin (HRIG) after animal bite without dying – day after bite. Last day to treat malaria after onset of following symptoms: fever and flu-like illness, including shaking chills, headache, muscle aches, and tiredness; nausea; vomiting; and diarrhea – uncertain, but probably once jaundice has set in. Last day to withdraw fail (WF) – 25th February 2012.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 30 -

9 Legal Personalities You Must Know before graduating... Will Maitland

George Ligertwood

Supreme Court Judge in South Australia in the mid 20th Century and eponymous patron of the worst blight on the Adelaide skyline since that of fellow Supreme Court Judge, Thomas Napier.

Sir Isaacs Isaacs

Prof. John Williams

Incumbent Dean of Adelaide Law School Ex-High Court Judge and flagrant and Con Law specialist. Secured Dean- homosexual. Dissidently inclined. ship in bloody coup against Rosemary Owens. (See Hilarian, Issue 1 2011, p4).

Mary Gaudron

First Australian-born Chief Justice of the First female Justice of the High Court and High Court. Renowned for his plethoric first female on this list. proclivity to utilise verbosity in the formulation of judicial arbitration.

John Stuart Mill

British utilitarian theorist who believed certain aspects of life belong in a ‘private realm’. Effectively: ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’.

Michael Kirby

Lord James Atkin

Justice on the King’s Bench of AustralianWelsh origin. Told us that escargot and carbonated gingiferous beverages do not mix. THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 31 -

Lionel Hutz

The apotheosis of a lawyer. The pinnacle of legal success upon whom all ardent aspiring law-students should fix their gaze.

The Hilarian Editors

A group of cynical bastards who have nothing better to do with their time than write mildly-humorous satire involving one-line gags that deconstruct the joke in the very course of telling it.

The UnAustralian Team Patrick McCaffrie INTRODUCTION


The annual announcement of the AFL’s All-Australian Team brings together the best players of the year and is a substantial achievement for any AFL player. The announcement of the team is now a permanent part of the calendar and individual players are honoured to be selected. While the All-Australian Team has a long tradition, another annually announced team is less well-known, or respected, or liked.

Paul Bower (Carlton), Raphael Clarke (St. Kilda), Antoni Grover (Femantle)

Please welcome “The UnAustralian Team”. This is a collection of the worst 18 players in the League. But, rather than simply throw together several players from Port Adelaide, Richmond and the Brisbane Lions, which would be too easy, the panel set ourselves a challenge by including at least one player from each AFL team.

With a combined average of 0.3 contested marks per game and 1.5 clangers per game, these three are five times more likely to fuck everything up than they are to take a mark against an opponent. Collectively they are also twice as likely to give away a free kick then they are to earn one. Paul Bower brings an appreciable sense of panic to any backline, as though he is acutely aware just how out of his depth he really is while Raphael Clarke has lived up to his potential of consistently failing to live up to his potential. And Antoni Grover will provide dedicated and competent service to this side, much like his Muppet name-sake does for balding, moustachioed Mr. Johnson at Charlie’s Restaurant.

Half-Backs Michael Firrito (North Melbourne), Alipate Carlile (Port Power), Tom Williams (Western Bulldogs) Michael Firrito was supposed to be the next Glenn Archer for North Melbourne; uncompromising, tough, physical and imposing. Unfortunately for North Melbourne, as it’s eventuated, in the words of my former clarinet teacher explaining to my parents why he was refusing to teach me anymore – “he can’t play!” Firrito’s failings will be exacerbated by Alipate Carlile whose defensive role seems to extend only as far as openly blaming his teammates for his mistakes. The addition of Tom Williams completes the backline in much the same way that

Centres Andrejs Everitt (Sydney Swans), Ricky Dyson (Essendon), Bradd Dalziell (West Coast Eagles) These three are so allergic to the ball that they each average barely 10 disposals a game. Dalziell manages to get lost in whichever position he plays; earlier this year he got so seriously lost in round 4 this year that he hasn’t been seen on a field since. Ricky Dyson’s services are so valuable to Essendon that they offered him as trade bait; there were no takers. And Everitt brings a sense of fragility to this line-up in that he won’t make it on the field if it’s too windy, too still, too light, too dark, too wet, too dry or too noisy.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 32 -

Half-Forwards Karmichael Hunt (Gold Coast), Brad Miller (Richmond), Lynden Dunn (Melbourne) With an average of less than one goal a game these three make up the least effective half-forward line in the competition. They are statistically more likely to give away a free kick than kick a goal. Hunt’s defection to the AFL has been an unmitigated disaster while only Richmond would be stupid enough to select a player that Melbourne had delisted. On that note, Lynden Dunn may soon find himself at Richmond after his underwhelming performances.

Forwards Leigh Brown (Collingwood), James Sellar (Adelaide), Amon Buchanan (Brisbane Lions) Collectively these three forwards are about as likely to score as Helen Keller on her infamous ‘blind’ date with singer Ray Charles. James Sellar is doing his best to disown his status as a first round draft pick while Amon Buchanan is trying hard to poison every member of any team he is a part of. Leigh Brown, despite announcing his retirement, earns his place in the side through sheer determination. No player this year has evinced a greater desire to make this team than Brown and his efforts deserve recognition.

name is Mark Blake; the longer he plays the closer he comes to pipping Barnaby French for the title of worst ruckmen ever to play AFL. Brent Renouf rounds out the ruck combination with the title of luckiest footballer to have a premiership medal since Andrew Eccles. Sherman and Tambling present an interesting midfield combination given Sherman’s history of racial vilification and Tambling’s race. But, given their omplete lack of ability, it’s certain not to affect them.

Interchange Richmond Richmond’s entire list comprises the bench of this year’s team and while there are a lot of them, it’s still uncertain whether many of them would see much game-time.

Coach Justin Westhoff Given that Geelong’s Brad Scott won a premiership in his first year as coach we figure that an inexperienced coach is exactly what this team needs so we’ve appointed the most inexperienced coach we could find. The move from playing to coaching can be difficult but we’re sure Justin can manage it, or at least he can’t be a more disappointing coach than player.


Followers Mark Blake (Geelong), Justin Sherman (Western Bulldogs), Richard Tambling (Adelaide Crows), Brent Renouf, (Hawthorn) While it is difficult to identify the weak links in Geelong’s list, one name does stand out and that

That’s it! Congratulations to everyone selected and we eagerly await the result of this year’s much anticipated game between this year’s side and the division 3 under 15 champions from Heathcote in country Victoria. While the Huntly Hawks are hoping to go back-to-back, the selection panel are hopeful that this year’s team can produce a more concerted effort to wrest back the

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 33 -

there just ain’t

nothing delightful about

turkey A Rant By Emily Taliangis


Before you question why I have chosen the worst experience of my life thus far as a topic for this short story, let me quickly justify by explaining that it was the best idea of two terrible ones.

Being the clever pair we were (note use of past tense), we decided to boycott traditional means of transport, such as an airplane, realising we could take a mere 4 ferries and two buses to Istanbul, for approximately one quarter of the cost.

Perhaps it makes me disgustingly ungrateful in admitting that my worst life experience was an overseas trip gone wrong as opposed to the tragic death of a loved one or experience in guerilla warfare etc. But it is the unfortunate truth, and the truth is what I have chosen to share with you.

Let me tell you, I would now give any sum of money to never hear the words ‘bus’ and ‘Turkey’ in the same sentence again. We may have saved 30 Turkish Lira in the short term, but that is a very small amount compared to the medical expenses I have since acquired due to a recently diagnosed bus phobia.

welcome to ferry land

After three weeks of “backpacking” through the Greek Islands, my friend and I decided that it was time for some sort of cultural travel experience. We had heard fantastic things about Turkey from fellow backpackers (usually drunk Aussies and New Zealanders) and were very excited to discover that we could get there cheaply.

It all started with what we thought was an easy ferry trip from Ios to Paros. After a substantial amount of time spent searching for our allocated seats on the cruise balcony, we discovered (through the swearing abuse of a Greek deckhand) that our budget tickets meant we were to stay outside, all night, on the freezing deck. Our sunburned bodies were not prepared for the freezing wind, nor were our permanently

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 34 -

hung-over heads and stomachs prepared for the continuous rocking which would send us into a night of non-stop seasickness. When the ferry finally docked in Paros, we all but fell to the floor, kissing the land at our feet. I quickly came to regret doing that in realising what a shit-hole Paros actually is. I mean, what is the point in a Greek Island without any clubs?

laundry service

We had about six hours to kill. Not yet ready to stomach food, we went on a search for 1) a Laundromat and 2) an Internet Café. By this stage of the trip our clothes had turned a slight brownish colour and our parents were probably concerned as to whether we were still alive due to a purposeful lack of contact on our behalf. We must have covered the entire island, our backs sweating under the load of our backpacks, when we finally came across – can you believe! – a joint Laundromat and Internet Café! We handed (or rather threw) our entire backpacks over to the man in charge, and settled behind two computers. After an awkward hour of listening to overweight men groan at the porn playing on their computer screens, we were handed our backpacks and all of our clothes which had been shrunk to a size only Barbie could wear. We were too tired to care.

sleeping beauty

To kill the next four hours, we sat at the port where our next ferry would arrive, staring out at the open water. I won’t bore you with the next three ferry trips, in that they were much the same as the one previously mentioned. One lowlight I must mention was falling asleep in our two hours waiting on Kos (another shithole Greek Island) on what we thought was a park bench but turned out to be in someone’s front yard. This was realised when we awoke and discovered an elderly Greek woman shaking a dirty tablecloth onto us, out of her kitchen window. Covered in breadcrumbs, we boarded the final of four ferries, which would finally take us to Turkey.


Well, the fun times certainly didn’t stop there. After nearly 48 hours of seasickness/ homesickness/becoming sick of each other, our feet reached Turkey’s south-eastern coast at Bodrum. Believing that we could finally stomach solid food, we purchased two delicious-looking Turkish kebabs from a street vendor. Perhaps we should have foreseen that this would be a terrible decision before a 10-hour bus ride to Izmir, followed by an overnight 16-hour bus ride to Istanbul. What I would have given during those bus rides to be seasick on a ferry as opposed to suffering extreme gastro on a Turkish bus without a toilet, having to pay the Turkish bus driver to stop every 20 minutes so we could pathetically empty our stomachs on the side of what is perhaps the world’s busy highway.

istanbul to constantinople

By the time the bus finally arrived in Istanbul, we could barely walk for lack of energy. We immediately collapsed into an excuse for a taxi, having to fight off four Turkish men who wanted to join us for the journey, and headed towards Sultanahmet where we had, for once, been organised enough to have booked accommodation (at the equivalent of five Aussie bucks per night might I add!) Well, it quickly became evident that we would be getting what we paid for (or more so what we didn’t pay for) as we were shown to our beds. These so-called beds happened to be part of a collapsing three-tiered bunk on a rooftop that was home to clucking chickens, shaded by torn plastic sheeting. This also happened to be the one night in the entire year that Istanbul was completely drowned by storm.

and that’s the tooth

We settled into our ‘beds’ with every intention of sleeping for the rest of the week but were awoken promptly at 5am by the Muslim call to prayer. We checked out of the shithouse accommodation within approximately 10 minutes. I am still furious because I left my favourite shoes there. I think I might have to wrap this story up; I seem to be developing some sort of nervous rash.

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 35 -

How to Watch Law and Order SVU Like One BITCHEN’ MOTHERFUCKER. Sujini Ramamurthy I always hoped that studying law would be much like watching Law and Order SVU. And indeed, I have found that boning up on the Torrens System is very similar to being stabbed in the urethra with a hat pin by a man dressed as an Inuit-themed china doll. These congruencies extend to the requirement of a good set of notes. These notes are considered especially heinous.

on perps until they urinate all over the Manhattan SVU’s magnificent carpets, bought for a steal at auction after the 2002 Ansett Airlines collapse. Those kids know a bargain when they see one, I’ll tell ya! George Huang: Dr. Huang is so hot that one look at his face will melt your knickers and cause them to stick to your skin. Such an occurrence will require hours of painful reconstructive surgery which and leave your bits looking like the face of Michael Douglas, fashioned into a leather coin purse, after several days of prolonged sun exposure.


Eliot Stabler: Stabler is an NYPD detective with a ten-finger forehead. You could probably land a light aircraft on that thing. Seriously bish, get a fucking fringe. Stabler is a devout Catholic, which is why his brood is the size of a small Arab nation. This is also why he is unable to openly admit his love for the sultry eastern temptress, Dr. George Huang. This makes him frustrated. So frustrated, in fact, that he often whales

I love you Sujini. Come and help me investigate the secret life of Alex Mack...

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 36 -

Donald Cragen: Captain Cragen has the face of an infant. It is one of the most horrifying sights ever, because once you have glimpsed upon his creepy manbaby face, you can only picture him sucking from the withered teat of some venomous harridan who was friends with Calvin Coolidge.

Guest Stars

Misha Barton: Barton plays a heavily pregnant prostitute who is strangled with a skipping rope by a John, played by Kevin Sorbo. However, none of this really matters because you will never be able to pay attention to anything other than her

surly man voice. Barton sounds like she swallowed an entire Orson Welles and then smoked an entire carton of cigars. She most probably did. That fat ham. Hilary Duff: HiDuff guest stars as a single mother who neglects her baby and then buries it in a shallow grave. Hannah Montana, you is one depraved hoe. I heard she is having a baby for real, and frankly, I was horrified. Fortunately, to ensure that she doesn’t attempt to do the same IRL, Duff has undergone countless hours of counseling with Lindsay Lohan’s mother, or White Oprah as she prefers to be known.

Plot Lines

Usually involves something like an Eastern European war criminal being raped with a severed ostrich penis by his estranged nephew, who is discovered because the bite marks on his discarded pastrami sandwich match the ones found in that chewed up copy of “Eat, Pray, Love” found in the abandoned bus station in 1998. Something like that... And they told me that I would go onto great things after the OC...

THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 37 -

Homophobia in Adelaide Lily Black In 1972, George Duncan, a lecturer at Adelaide Law school, was attacked and thrown into the Torrens by 3 police officers in a homophobic act. He drowned. The failure to prosecute suspects and the moral outcry at his murder led to South Australia being the first state to decriminalise homosexuality in 1975. Many people in my life are gay. Seriously, was there something in the water in the late 80s? I am aware that some people hate or dislike gays but rarely does this affect me. Recently however, I had my first encounter with those anti-gay protesters on North Terrace. You know, the ones that have popped up all of a sudden and make a really wonderful addition to our progressive city. One of their signs said ‘Hell is an awful place. We are warning you’. Derrrrrrr. A co-editor was with me at the time and I told him I wanted to write an article about homophobia in Adelaide. He replied I could not do so without considerable bias or danger that it would become a cursing rant about how some people deserve to die… I therefore want to say this. Have people’s attitudes towards homosexuality changed since the 70s? Hmmm... The legalisation of gay-marriage would definitely indicate it has if it ever happens. I want to finish with a quote from Norwegian Prime Minister, Jens Stoltenberg which he made at Oslo Cathedral earlier this year. I know it’s corny but also beautiful: “Our response is more democracy, more openness, and more humanity”.

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THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 39 -




The Hilarian

Bringing you hours of intergenerational fun since 1924. THE HILARIAN 04/2011 - 40 -

Issue 4 2011  

Need something good to read as you toil away over summer? Lose yourself in the Hilarin's Summer Fiction Edition! With articles from JK Rowli...