May 1st, 2009
Bush Apologizes: In T h e I s s u e POLITICS Bush Apologizes
RELIGION A Post-Scripture
LOCAL Fountan Of Youth Found
COMICS Credit Crunch Cereal
You Mean Waterboarding Isn’t Like Surfing?
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In Other News Bush And Cheney Vacationing at Gitmo
Washington, D.C. - President Bush called a
press conference today to, for the first time, publicly apologize for mistakes made by his administration during its almost 8-year tenure. At 10:00 A.M. an uncharacteristically grim-faced Bush arrived at the White House Rose Garden to address the national media.
Philosophy Professors in Need of Money Form New Clothing Line
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“My fellow Americans, ” the President began, “I have asked y’all here today hear my apology for a terrible mistake. Y’all have heard me saying that waterboarding is not torture. Well, I just found out that it’s actually torture. You see, for the past few years I was mislead to believe it was a kind of water recreational sport-type game. I’m in charge, you see, but I’m not the expert of everything. I depend on my advisers to tell me stuff. And I was just told recently that waterboarding isn’t like surfing.” Bush then opened the floor to questions from the dumbfounded media. Asked how he learned about the true nature of waterboarding, a type of torture which simulates drowning, Bush answered, “I was talking to Laura about how great our freedoms are and about how great it would be if Castro let everyone in Cuba go out waterboarding like our troops down in Guantanamo get to. She didn’t think that was such a good
idea. So she had to show me why and she got out one of them dictionary books where it tells you what all the words mean. And I figured out that we were making our troops do something that wasn’t very American.” Bush acknowledged to one reporter’s inquiry that it was Vice President Dick Cheney who had first misrepresented the sometimesfatal interrogation technique to him. Asked if Cheney had also misled him concerning other crucial issues, Bush responded, “It’s an unknown unknown. I’ve got some of my staff looking into it. We are going to reach across the isle and work with the Democrat congress to verify that ‘wire tapping’ is playing the piano and that ‘shooting a guy in the face’ is a Texas way of saying ‘quail hunting.’ But I want the American people to know that everything’s still under control in the war against the extremists. My generals on the ground assure me that the caffeinated energy drinks are working.” One reporter asked Bush if he now thought the country would be better off had John Kerry won the presidential election in 2004, before the administration publicly acknowledged waterboarding terrorist suspects. Continued on Page 4...
A Post-Scripture To the Editor of THE ENDING TIMES:
I am the Lord, thy God. You may remember me from my best selling books- the Torah, the Bible, and the Koran. You may know me from my legendary ‘Sermon on the Mount’ tour of 32 A.D. I know I’ve been kinda out of the loop for a few centuries now, but I just can’t sit in silence anymore. I feel I have to speak out through this eventually popular earthly publication, because it’s going to drive me insane if I continue to do nothing. Lately you people have been clamoring about the end times. Every time Israel and X-country-I-promised-the-same-pieceof-land-to start going at it again, it’s the same thing. Everyone from Pat Robertson to that fat blue-haired lady who plays the organ at your church starts saying, “boy, there ain’t no question about it... these sure are the end times. Betcha rapture’s gonna happen any day now.” Well, I know I promised that no living soul would know the day or hour of my return, but I didn’t promise anything about not setting a bunch of piss-irritating rubes straight. No, these are not the fucking end times. Your thinly veiled enthusiasm for the coming apocalypse only serves to reveal your profound ignorance. So stop hoping I’ll show up before that tumor grows malignant or your credit card bill comes in the mail and get comfortable! Everybody thinks I’m gonna have this new heaven and new earth stuff ready in like 6 or 7 days. Do you have any idea how ridiculous that is? I don’t even have the old universe finished yet, and it’s only been 15 billion fucking years! Look around you! This place is still a mess! You might notice I don’t quite have the geography of the Middle East worked out yet. Shit, the whole cosmos is being propped up by nothing more than a few makeshift “physical laws,” as you call them. I’ve still got a lot of work to do, and I’m here to say, I’m taking my goddamn time.
The Hand Of God Writing This Very Letter
Besides, most of you wouldn’t be so eager for the end of the world if you knew what it’s really going to be like. I tried to spell it out for you by calling it the End-of-theFucking-World. As in, end of everything, right down to your precious, precious Lincoln Towncar, Bob Jones University, yes, even Larry the Cable Guy. Come the rapture, I will have your goddamn car along with everything else. You think a few suicide bombers and some televised beheadings are the apocalypse? Just you wait. We’re gonna have plague and pestilence and a thousand-year living death that’ll make you yearn for the days when you could just hop on a bus in Tel Aviv and end it all. What’s that you say? You’re gonna be skipping out on that part? Well, that’s funny, you don’t seem to be one of the 144 thousand adult male Jewish virgins I invited to chill at my place while the shit hits the fan. Kirk Cameron cannot save you. Now, somebody’s going to say, God, you’re so all-powerful, you could make the rapture happen now if you really wanted to. Well, there it is. I don’t want to. Look, I just got up, I’ve got a serious hangover, and all I want to do right now is drink my fucking coffee, not ferry all your fat asses up here just because you absolutely have to see your
dead grandmother again this instant. And, no, I’m not going to do it in a few minutes, either. After I finish my coffee, I’m going to sit here and read the morning paper, then watch endlesss reruns of sports on ESPN. I’ve got plans for this evening, too. Buddha and Abraham Lincoln are supposed to come over. We’re gonna get drunk on communion wine and play darts on my novelty David Koresh dartboard. Tomorrow night my girlfriend Venus and I are going to rent The Da Vinci Code. This Sunday, I’m planning to paint another coat of gold on the house, since it’s supposed to be my day off. That’s another thing you tools don’t seem to get. Every Sunday, when I’m supposed to be resting, you all seem to start praying for shit. And usually its for something that should have been taken care of earlier in the week, like, “Oh Lord, we pray you would help the victims of that terrible tsunami that hit last Tuesday,” half of whom are already dead from exposure, by the way. It’s almost like you’re all congregating together or something, every Sunday morning, just to annoy the hell out of me. Look, I know there’s a bunch of you who are really upset I haven’t come back yet, Continued on Page 4...
Local Student Discovers Fountain of Youth As an experienced second year freshman, I have taken the liberty to inform all the incoming freshman about
the Fountain of Youth! It is inside every single one of you…all you have to do is procrastinate! I have, after smoking, going to Wal-Mart, picking up some Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food, changing my mind, picking out Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream instead, going home, smoking some more, made a compilation of various tricks to use so you can stay in college, the happiest years of your lives, and leech off the government forever! 1. Take as Little Hours as Possible!
This is the first and most important step in the is process. Everyone knows that you must have at least thirty-six hours to graduate from a freshman to a sophomore. Now, to be considered a “Full Time Student,” one must take at least twelve hours a semester. If one would take only twelve hours a semester, that’s only twenty-four hours! This means, you will defiantly be secure for at least one extra semester. If you keep doing this every year, you’ll never graduate! 2. Fail…But Not Everything!
Since you will only be taking twelve hours a semester, you must be careful with this one. Take some of your classes that you need to graduate, some classes that are really easy and not needed (such as Aerobics), then take a crazy hard class that you still to graduate (like Japanese as your foreign language). Go ahead and pass the classes you need for your major, get easy A’s in the easy classes, then fail the hard classes. Fail those classes so you must take them over again because they are a requirement for your major! This way you are taking two steps forward and one step back, metaphorically speaking. 3. Change Your Major!
Sure, sure, most of you know what you want to major in, but go ahead and accept now that you will end up being a teacher. Now that that’s out of the way, go ahead and change your major as much as possible! Every major has special requirements, and if you keep switching majors, you’ll have to keep taking extra classes for them. If these changes keep happening, you’ll never get ahead, and remember, you can always “change your mind” and go back and forth to the same majors! 4. Take a Semester Off!
School can be stressful, especially with all those hangovers during your nine o’ clock class. So, take a semester off. Don’t take more than one semester off, though, student loans kick in after six months of being out of school, and we’re trying to manipulate the government, not give them money! Just take a semester off every other year… or semester for that matter! By doing this, you are prolonging your school life forever! 5. Always go on to Higher Learning!
If and when you decide to graduate, make sure to apply to get your masters. Just because you graduate does not mean you have to grow up, and since you’ve ran up such a large student loan bill, you can’t stop going to school until you have gotten a job that will pay you enough to pay back those loans. Plus, if you follow the latter tools in graduate school, you will probably die from alcohol poisoning or won the lottery before graduating.
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“Are you kidding?” Bush replied. “Y’all didn’t hear about all the times Kerry was out waterboarding on Cape Cod? Man, that guy must have been a fascist maniac!”
and I promise I’m going to do something about that. Just not right now. Maybe after I get back from that trip to Valhalla I keep promising myself I’ll take. Or maybe after Tom Cruise converts back out of Sci-
A part of this unbalanced breakfast
entology. He’s honestly a really good actor, and I’d hate to have to draw the line now and throw him in Hell. Point is, stop asking if we’re there yet, or I will pull this cosmos right over, mister, and we’ll just sit here until you all shut the hell up! Yahweh