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Issue 4.04 Rethe 2009 Volume 8.Earwig Keeping TCF (Not the Bank) Informed Since 2003!


Note: It’s been 5 years since the last issue of the Elven Ranger, and it’s time for an update!

BREAKING NEWS WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Keep tabs on your favorite Fellowship members-superheroes and mortals alike! EDWARD CULLEN VS. FRODO BAGGINS A once-in-a-lifetime match-up that’s anyone’s game! (ish)

The Fellowship Needs More Sleep Recent discoveries have led to the conclusion that TCF (not the bank) members have been suffering from lack of sleep. The most likely cause to this recent epidemic is attempting to gain careers outside of Middle-Earth. Other symptoms of college include; increased stress, lack of exercise, poor health and food habits, and hermit-ism.

THEN AND NOW Remember freshman year when many of us were lowly….freshmen? Compare the pop culture of 2001 and 2009!

WHAT TIME IS IT? It’s not long now until the event of the century! Are you ready? Check out the countdown clock!

Latest studies have shown that the Fellowship’s average sleep lies somewhere around four hours a night. This is most likely caused by their overloaded schedules and todo lists. The best remedy this publication offers is Eternal Summer Vacation (better known as ESV). Our double-

blind research results have shown 93.7% of college related symptoms can be cured by just one dose of ESV (see our ad). In our latest interview with Sauron (better known as Disco Gollum) he informed the publication that “my eyes are so bloodshot I no longer require my red contacts.” Further reports have told us that Legolas has had to cut his shower schedule in half (down to three a day), Strider has had to postpone his superhero activities, and Rabid Merry has had to plan less aerobic classes, all just to gain a little more shut-eye. Some injuries have even occurred. Vampire Pippin had fainting spells due to her poor blood-consuming habits, and the Prince’s Scribe has been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome.

In some extreme cases, hermit-ism and frostbite have occurred during emergency cave-dwelling Z sessions in order Z to finish studying Z Z without distractions from others. In conclusion, since ESV has yet to be invented, the only way to help the situation is to make sure you attend the ten-year Corrupted Fellowship reunion that is to occur on the tenth anniversary of the Official Fellowship Day. Though this is only a cure to hermit-ism, at least it’ll be a good time! -The Prince’s Scribe


College getting you down?


The secret to life, the universe, and everything!



ESV comes in a variety of different flavors, such as bubble gum, grape, French fries, cold pizza, sweaty men, and our newest flavor, zebra road kill!


Try ESV and spend the rest of your days in the sun!*


Be sure to pick up your ESV dose at a convenience store near you!! Coming June 15th, 2035 at 3:02 pm *Side effects include, but are not limited to: constant itch, sleep walking, social awkwardness, explosive diarrhea, erectile dysfunction, gangrene, scurvy, brain tumors, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, and instant death by spontaneous combustion.


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Where Are They Now


>Status updates so you don’t need to be a Facebook stalker

Karyn Anderson (Gollum) attends Oakland University and Oakland Community College, and is majoring in Health Sciences with a concentration in Physical Therapy. She graduates in May 2010, and currently works at Clarkston SCAMP in the fundraising office.



Bryanna Flaherty (Pippin) attends California State University Channel Islands, which she is proud to announce was once a mental institution.


Lisa Fouladbash (Galadriel) graduated from the University of Michigan with a major in Ecology. She is planning on attending graduate school next year, and is currently working at Dinosaur Hill while searching for other work. Richelle Gable (Legolas) attends Central Michigan University, and is majoring in English with a minor in Cinema Studies. She graduates in December 2009, and is hoping to start a career in publishing, ideally in youth literature. She will be studying abroad in Ireland for three weeks, summer 2009. Brittany Kasner (Arwen) attends the University of Michigan and is a majoring in Chemical Engineering. She graduates in May 2009, and has a job lined up in Allentown, Pennsylvania at Air Products.

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Steve Krause (Quickbeam) attends the University of Michigan and he is looking at majoring in German to possibly pursue a teaching career. He plans on graduating in 2011. ? Rachel Morton (Frodo) attends Wittenberg University and is majoring in English Education. She graduates in May 2009, and is hoping to teach in Japan for a year. Marsha Palmer (Fifi the Elf) graduated from cosmetology school and is attending Oakland Community College when her time allows. She is working at Bo-Rics hair salon and is looking into a degree in optometry. Katie Pendock (Skye the Elf) attends Oakland University and is majoring in Electrical Engineering. She plans on graduating in 2011.


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Adam Renico (King of the Dead/Fluffy Foods) attends Grand Valley State University and is majoring in Finance and Business Economics. He graduates in May 2009, and is hoping to start a career as a financial analyst. He is getting married in the summer of 2009. Julie Savage (Strider-Man) attends Bowling Green State University and is majoring in Technology in Architecture. She graduates in August 2009 and will be going to graduate school for the next two to four years. Becky Schmitt (Merry) attends Oakland University and is majoring in Elementary Education. She graduates in December 2009, and currently works at Sears, as well as student teaching with fifth graders in Lake Orion, several times a week. Kristin Wing (Gimli) attends Purdue University and is majoring in Electrical Engineering. She graduates in December 2009, and currently has a co-op with the US Army TARDEC in Warren, MI. Jeff Zebrowski (Saruman) attends the University of Michigan and graduates in December 2009. He plans on attending nursing school in 2010.

Keep in touch and look for more updates in the next Elven Ranger! Good luck, everyone!

Twilight vs. My Fellowship’s Story TWILIGHT








Shiny Vampires

Hairy Hobbits


Creepy Edward Songs Spew Songs



Sharp Objects






Rabid Hobbit

Total: 2


Total: 7

My Fellowship’s Story Moral: TCF always wins!!!

Thenand andNow Now Then Hair Retro-fashion Hang Outs Movie Series Animated Movies Oscar Winners Teen Heartthrobs People’s Sexiest Man Book Series Kid’s Shows Hospital Dramas News Systems Games Hip Hop Teen Idols Weird Al Hits President Gas Cars Networking Videos Movie Info Search Engines Fads

A look at how far we’ve come since the beginning of TCF….or not



Long hair 1970s McDonald’s LOTR/Star Wars Shrek A Beautiful Mind Orlando Bloom Pierce Brosnan Harry Potter Teletubbies ER Real News Playstation 2 Halo Beyonce Hilary Duff Saga Begins Bush/Cheney $1.75 Hummer 2 Face to face Watching on the TV Videohound Google Badger, Badger, Badger/ Peanut Butter Jelly Time

medium/short hair 1980s Culvers Batman/Harry Potter Wall-E Slumdog Millionaire Robert Pattinson Hugh Jackman Twilight Yo Gabba Gabba Grey’s Anatomy Fake Comedy News Wii Rock Band/Guitar Hero Rihanna Miley Cyrus White & Nerdy Obama/Biden $3.98 Smart Cars Facebook Youtube IMDb Google Lolcatz/ Demotivational Posters

“What Time is It?”

days until the 10 year TCF reunion …mark your calendars…12/21/11…. one year before the end of the year…

TCF says:

You’ve been rickroll’d!!☺ ☺! !!!!!!!1!!!!!!!

“Never Gonna Help You Up” --a parody by the Children of Shelob--

We’re no strangers to hate There are no rules and I will cheat A full-out war is what I’m thinking of Because you made me smell your really stinky feet I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna help you up Always gonna push you down Always gonna run around and desert you Always gonna make you cry Always gonna say goodbye Always gonna tell a lie to hurt you

We’ve known each other for so long My nose has been aching, I’m not too shy to say it. Inside we both know what’s been going on You have B.O. and with Old Spice you must spray it And if you ask me how I’m feeling Don’t tell me you’re too congested to smell Never gonna help you up Always gonna push you down Always gonna run around and desert you Always gonna make you cry Always gonna say goodbye Always gonna tell a lie to hurt you

lol idk. Thanks for reading!

Elven Ranger 4.04  

Our fourth issue from Rethe, 2009! (after a 5 year break!)