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The spooky eye PRODUCED BY THE CAMPUS EYE ANOKA-RAMSEY STUDENT NEWS

OCTOBER 2020


THE SPOOKY EYE 2020

Content editor: Jonathan Ness Copy editor: Anthony Erickson Cover design: Evelyn Kastner Layout: Karissa Anderson Staff writers: Nolan Bethel, Jake Eik, Seth Jorgenson, Ian McEachran Adviser: Melody Hoffmann, PhD

MUSIC IN HELL GETS WORSE Coldplay and Pearl Jam added to Satan’s Spotify playlist

OUR MISSION The Spooky Eye is published by students on the Coon Rapids campus at Anoka-Ramsey Community College. The purpose of the Spooky Eye is to provide “fear mongering news” to the campus. The Spooky Eye provides student reporters, photographers, and designers with an opportunity to impose their haunting biases on others. The staff learns how to make facts and quotes mean whatever they want them to mean. And most importlatny, we gain experience at the expense of other peoples’ reputations. CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS If you find an factual error or typo and wish to bring it forward, we advise that you don’t. The campus ghost is really bored and has no problem tracking you down at home.

Find the non-satirical version of our work at thecampuseye.com

@TheCampusEyeARCC @The_Campus_Eye @TheCampusEye

Anoka-Ramsey Community College Coon Rapids Campus 11200 Mississippi Blvd NW Coon Rapids, MN 55433

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“Satan’s Power Playlist” now on Spotify


D.A.R.E works with movie reviewer to distribute vape juice Reformed drug addict and movie reviewer, Tim Heidecker, is new D.A.R.E. spokesperson. Jake Eik, staff writer It’s everyone’s favorite time of year again, Halloween. COVID-19 concerns may keep some families and trick-or-treaters inside for the holiday this year, so D.A.R.E. is working with its new celebrity spokesperson, Tim Heidecker, to help save Halloween. Heidecker has partnered with the drug awareness program to hand out holistic vape cartages and vape pens for Halloween. “I’ve always been a big fan of D.A.R.E, Heidecker said. “They’ve always had a message that I could get behind, and that’s family friendly, which is very important to me. “I’ve also had addiction problems with drugs in the past as well, so it felt like god gave me perfect fit for me,” he continued. In the past, D.A.R.E has worked to warn parents about dangers that children may face trick-or-treating. The organization is also playing catch-up after its reputation

was tarnished in the 90s. “Now I know that people consider our program to be a failure, D.A.R.E spokesperson Nacy Friedman said. “I admit, we probably could have done a better job in the 90s scaring young people away from drugs, but we have a plan to get us back on top.” D.A.R.E. is working with Heidecker’s physician, Dr. San, to produce a nutrient-rich vape juice. The credibility of Dr. Sans is under question by close friends of Heidecker. “I wouldn’t trust Tim when he’s with that Dr. San, who isn’t even an actual doctor by the way, a friend who asked to remain anonymous, said. “He is just some guy that Tim met and got crackpot health advice from.” According to the anonymous friend who has no connection to “On Cinema,” “D.A.R.E should be introducing children to won-

Reformed drug addict and movie reviewer, Tim Heidecker, is the new D.A.R.E. spokesperson. Image courtesy of Abso Lutely Productions

derful world of Popcorn Classics movies like ‘Creature from the Black Lagoon’ or ‘Oh, God!,’ for example.” D.A.R.E will be distributing

vapes and cartridges over the next few weeks through registered D.A.R.E locations across the U.S. For more information, visit the D.A.R.E website.

Man’s Face Bended Over Positive ‘Airbender’ Film Review entire cast.” The other man accused of assaulting Cartnert, Mark Higson, “I thought the graphics were said, “He gave a good review on nice and there were pretty cool a bad movie. Him to say that ‘The action scenes,” Cartnert said, Last Airbender’ was a good movie from his hospital bed on Oct. 7. is just not right.” These kinds of positive comPassersby said that a moviegoer ments led to a physical altercashould not be beaten for liking a tion with two other men at the movie. local movie theater, The Bin. “I saw two guys beat up that one a tenth anniversary screening on “That dude has a bad opinion,” Seth, Jorgenson staff writer guy behind an alleyway,” moviegoOct. 6. Jack White, one of the men who er, Tim Hillbird, said, “For liking a A man was hospitalized after he The victim, Jeff Cartnert, is an is accused of beating up Cartnert, movie? Ok, I guess.” shared his positive commentary on electrical engineer that works at said. “The movie ruined a great “Avatar: The Last Airbender” at Tires-X. show, and they whitewashed the A still from “Avatar: The Last Airbender”

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GHOST LEAVES CAMPUS DUE TO BOREDOM With students learning online due to COVID-19, the campus ghost trades in his haunts for training younger ghosts. Nolan Bethel, staff writer Jasper, the unfriendly ghost, used to haunt both students and faculty on the Coon Rapids campus. On Sept. 16 he decided to leave the empty school, shifting his focus towards Halloween. Jasper was known to be an absolute menace in his prime. At Anoka-Ramsey, he found joy in frightening innocent people. His favorite targets were the PSEO students. They were younger, making them much easier to scare. Jasper was never on good terms with the custodians. Late at night when everyone else had left, Jasper played tricks on the overnight

crew. He was truly an unfriendly ghost. When the campus community started studying from home this fall, he made a decision that would change his never-ending life. One month ago, Jasper put on his mask and floated beyond the school walls. He left campus to pursue his lifelong dream of joining the Halloween Council and becoming a ghost trainer. “Jasper is a great fit,” Count Dracula, president of the Halloween Council, said. “We have been looking for a ghost for quite some time. He is doing a lot of

great things for us such as ghost training.” “The young ghosts are learning many things from their wise teacher,” Dracula said. “There have been a few issues because

Count Dracula, Halloween Council president. Not pictured: Jasper.

Jasper is so unfriendly, but nothing we couldn’t handle.” Jasper tested positive for COVID-19 last week, so his trainings are conducted over Zoom. “Ah ah ahh,” Dracula added. In previous reporting done by The Spooky Eye, the Ghostbusters have been doing their best to catch Jasper for a very long time, but he is very illusive. “We got him to leave the school, but we are not sure how,” the Ghostbusters said in an official statement. “Nothing was working and one day he was gone. We marked that as a win.”

SALMON STRIKES AGAIN A collection of horror stories from your worst nightmares Jonathan Ness, staff writer

A spooky fridge. Image courtesy: C. Michael Gibson, MD.

The Sound of Snacking T’was barely midnight when I heard the sound. A deafening creek from down the hall. I got out of bed, phone flash4

light in hand, to find my roommate getting a midnight snack. I let the midnight hunger devour me as well and poured myself a bowl.

Shutting the Demons Out I felt the draft out from behind me. It was cold and unrelenting. So, I shut the window, and all was warm.

She Spilled My Coffee, Again I sat comfortably on my chair, reading the Book of Mormon, in a mood only God could kill. I reached out to grab my coffee and felt fur instead. In slow motion I turned, watching my coffee fall to the floor. The culprit stood in front of me, proud of what she had done. All I could do was weep.

Salmon Strikes Again Patiently they sit and stare, tails flicking in tune with the clock. Tick, left, tock, right. Each moment they meow louder and louder. My heart beats faster than the slow hand, as my shaky hands open the can of their meal. I present them their sacrifice as their stinky salmon feast fills the air. I turn to walk away, feeling

relieved of my duty, when I feel a pressure on my foot. “No, it can’t be!” Yes, it is. They want more.

The cat who spilled my coffee, again. Image courtesy of Monika Malek.


VERMIN SUPREME ELECTED U.S. PRESIDENT Ian McEachran, staff writer

Amy Richfield and Susan Tomega pose with Vermin Supreme. Image courtesy of the internet.

U.S. voters elected the self-proclaimed “Friendly Fascist,” Vermin Supreme for U.S. president, shattering anyone’s expectations. Supreme attributes his victory to his pony policy and his zombie energy plans. “Finally my time has come to start my new boot nation,” Supreme, the first Libertarian president of the U.S. said. Supreme often wears a green rain boot as a hat. U.S. voters celebrated Supreme’s landslide victory. Streets were flooded with people wearing rain boot hats. Improumtu parades were filled with people chanting “Ponies, ponies, ponies” throughout city streets. Supreme’s win has been picked up internationally, with

some newspapers, like the Polish Gazeta Wyborcza running the headline, “America elects a Pony President!” The paper’s editor-in-cheif expressed bewilderment at the headline news. “I don’t understand. How can Americans just care so little for their country and vote a fool into your head position?” the unnamed editor said. U.S. Vice President Shrek replied to the international questioning. “Think of the world as swamps. Stay out of mine before I go and comes into yours,” Shrek said. “The international community is unjustly questioning Vermin before they even see what his policies do.” The U.S. military has increased its presence in Europe

and Asia, driving the international community to adopt the pony policy. Supreme plans to give every U.S. resident a pony. He is putting pressure on Congress to create a new government program that will be tasked with tagging, tracking, and administer the use of the ponies. The purpose of the ponies is to “increase happiness and decrease the crime rate,” Supreme said. “If everyone has a pony what do you have to be jealous of?” Top psychology and law enforcement agencies find no flaws is the pony purpose outlined by Supreme During his 4-year term, Supreme wants to look further into zombie energy and technology. He seeks to get the U.S. 100 percent reliant on zombie technology by 2021. Not to forget the U.S.’s robust

space technology, NASA will be tasked into looking for a rubber planet. According to Shrek, the rubber planet will allow every human to wear rainboots on their head. The mission is named “New Sole.” It is a mission that appears to rival that of Elon Musk’s Mars mission. U.S. citizens are hopeful about their future with Supreme’s leadership Citizens said they are hopeful of ushering in a new era of thinking and of human history. Zombies and boots are on the horizon. Some people speculate that international influence will be used more forcefully than in the past. The international community continues to watch the U.S. in caution and awe of Supreme’s plans.

U.S. president Vermin Supreme. Image courtesy of the internet.

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horror icons

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Jonathan Ness, staff writer

Mummy dies tragically young, after getting stuck in an escalator Three years ago today, Mummy died on a mall escalator. Mummy was out shopping for new ceremonial wrappings. He stopped for an edible wrap at Wraps N Raps, the first SoundCloud rapper-themed wrap restaurant. As the lyrics to “Flappy Wrappy” played him out, the Mummy headed out to shop. However, Wraps N Raps would be the last meal for Mummy. An elderly woman tripped him with her walker, causing him to fall onto an escalator. While Mummy begged and pleaded, no one would help him free his ceremonial wrappings from being sucked in. The tragic death of Mummy proves humanity is the real monster.

Dracula lands job at blood bank Dracula has never been a stranger to blood addiction, and after hitting a new low decided to get help. With years of therapy, Dracula was finally comfortable enough to work at a blood bank and is one happy vampire.

Freddy Krueger becomes spokesperson for melatonin Melatonin’s new slogan “So tired, you’ll get lost in the REM,” has been a major hit for the company. All this spearheaded by Krueger. 6


horror icons

Frankenstein hosts new show for Comedy Central

Godzilla goes on diet, finally slims into new 200XL swimsuit

Who knew the abomination of mankind could have such a brilliant sense of humor. Check out Frankenstein’s new show “Ugh,” premiering Oct. 31.

Devouring cities can be hell on the body, and Godzilla is no stranger to obesity. He was once 100,000 pounds. In an effort to live healthier, Godzilla spends less time eating and more time fighting monsters. Now he’s looking better than ever. Just check out those abs.

Wolf Man goes back to college, opens new hair salon. Also looks fabulous in new perm. After years of uncontrollable hair growth, the Wolf Man descended into a deep depression. He felt powerless over his looks. Now, he has never looked better. After going back to college, the Wolf Man emerged with an Anoka-Ramsey Cosmetology degree, and opened his own hair salon called, “The Pack.” 7


TOP 5 BIDEN SNIFFS Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been caught sniffing everything from children to lunch. Here are his thoughts on some of his worst sniffs. Jonathan Ness, staff writer 1. Children

3. Texas

5. Trump’s floppy hair

“God, I wish they were aborted.”

2. Food on the Rust Belt Train Tour

“Conservatives always smell the worst”

4. Me

“It smelled like every bad, expensive cologne sprayed on someone. Get some AXE, man!”

“It was all fish. I hate fish” “I sent my clone back in time. He said he would not recommend Obsession from Calvin Klein.”

Thank you for reading The Spooky Eye. Visit thecampuseye.com for actual news. 8

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The Spooky Eye 2020 Extended Edition  

Written and produced by The Campus Eye, Anoka-Ramsey Community College's student news organization. We are located in Coon Rapids, Minnesota...

The Spooky Eye 2020 Extended Edition  

Written and produced by The Campus Eye, Anoka-Ramsey Community College's student news organization. We are located in Coon Rapids, Minnesota...

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