This Issue of the Botetourt Squat funded entirely by donations from the William and Mary Student Body
The Botetourt Squat Vol. 2, Issue 2
‘Is It News?
Botetourt Beat WHERE SIZE DOESN’T MATTER
₰ William and Mary Police to begin issuing “parking tickets.” ₰ Student discovered drunk on campus, students “horrified.” ₰ Student’s Macbook breaks, immediately becomes useless vegetable. ₰ Powerlifting team member shits pants during competition. ₰ Art student drunkenly spills paint on campus. Gets an A. ₰ Freshmen heads explode during the Great Banner Crash of 2011. ₰ Freshman tarred and feathered after posting complete schedule on Facebook. ₰ Occupy Dog Street cancelled due to overwhelming stench of horseshit. ₰ Botetourt Squat wins every flag football game. International Relations Club swears revenge. ₰ Wawa institutes new policy of sobriety test at front door, instantly goes out of business. ₰ Naked man found humping tombs in Wren crypt. ₰ Ents discovered in nature reserve. ₰ William 4 Mary site goes up. Townies immediately swarm. ₰ Tribe Square discovered to be rectangle. ₰ Squat loses funding after first issue is widely unpopular among students, students fund second issue. ₰ Large gorilla takes over Sadler Terrace. ₰ Wawa gives students freshmen 15; Sadler, Caf give students freshmen -15. ₰ Empty Crim Dell makes for awkward skinny dipping, survey says. Accept our apologies for printing the Beat, again.
November 11th, 2011
WU-TANG CLAN EVICTED
This is the last known photograph of the members of the Wu-Tang Clan
Latest victims of Williamsburg three person policy BY TOM BOMBADIL SENIOR CLAN CHRONICLER
At 4:30 Tuesday morning, Williamsburg police responded to a complaint at 711 Richmond Road. The initial caller, a Herman Cain, described a “violent noise, perhaps a gunshot,” emanating from the house. Responding officer, Joey (from Friends), reportedly arrived on the
scene and found several men and women involved in a domestic dispute. The officer approached the group in an attempt to break up the altercation but was met with resistance by Raekwon “The Chef” and Ghostface Killa. Witnesses say that they could hear the pair yelling “straight from the slums of Shaolin! Wu-Tang KILLAH BEES ON A SWARM!” and other indecipherable rants.
Officer Joey quickly called for back up, and after a brief exchange of fire with the Clan, the police were able to get every member to lay down their arms, except one Ol’ Dirty Bastard, who fled the scene and is still being pursued by police. Despite a preponderance of evidence, including possession of illegal firearms; resisting arrest; possession of marijuana, cocaine, and various narcotics with intent to distribute; prostitution; several unregistered vehicles; possession of stolen goods; sodomy; and unpaid parking tickets, the Wu-Tang Clan was released without any charges. A statement released by Williamsburg police simply read: “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with.” However, in an act that shows serious balls, Williamsburg exercised its majoritarian tyranny and voted to evict the Clan for violating the infamous “three man rule.” They deemed through an investigation of their own that permanent residents of the house include The RZA, The GZA, Ghostface Killa, Inspecta Deck, Raekwon “The Chef”, U-God, Master Killa, Method Man and the elusive Ol’ Dirty Bastard. The council stated that they would allow ‘Ol Dirt to stay in 711 Richmond Road if he could testify as to the meanCONTINUED PAGE 3
72% of Students Want to See Banner dubbed “Most Reliable” Web Service in Annual Poll Live Dinosaur, Even If It’s I.T. Department Head William Jobs. Jefferson victim. “The only thing that Scary and the Wren Building itself Banner should win is the biggest piece “Revolutionary” Course “Banner go hand in hand. We are still running of shit award.” Registration Website it on its first and only server, a Texas “Those of us who know Banner Instruments calculator from 1704, in are not surprised in the slightest,” said still going strong the basement of Wren. Chris wouldn’t President W. Taylor Reveley. “He has BY SCHLONGDONG MANHAMMER
TOTALLY USELESS TROLL
Want To See Dinosaur
No w ay
Banner, the name of the online software William & Mary uses to have students register for courses, has been dubbed “Most Reliable William & Mary Course Registration Website” for the 318h straight year. Banner was designed in 1693 by Sir Christopher Wren using a primitive version of Microsoft Paint. Although more modern technology has been developed recently, the administration sees no reason to change. “Why fuck with the champ?” said
have wanted it any other way.” Students expressed concern at the lack of a competitor in the field, citing troubles they have had while trying to register for classes. One sophomore typed in the CRN of an Classical Roman Literature class, only to have a coffee-stained painting of Thomas Jefferson appear on his screen and shout, “closed, bitch!” Others reported having to wait for word of their course submissions to “cross the Atlantic,” ostensibly by boat, and reach King George III before their registration could be confirmed. “It’s just embarrassing,” said the
grown into quite the mature young man.” Representatives from the Guinness Book of World Records will be on campus Friday to verify the record. The Botetourt Squat recommends gently asking your obstinate professors for overrides.
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, November 11, 2011 § PAGE 2
Godless staff of The Botetourt Squat loses funding, favor
BY DR. RALPHY MOMO SENIOR RESIDENT NIHILIST COLUMNIST
The fact that such a bilious publication as the so called “Botetourt Squat” was ever funded by any branch of this academic establishment is a complete farce. Again, I find myself shocked at the level of charity the unceasingly and quite sickeningly benevolent administration continues to show its students. Yes, it’s understandable, the administration tries its utmost to please everyone, but at what cost? To sacrifice the College’s reputation just to humor a couple of self-proclaimed ne’er-do-wells with a penchant for schadenfreude is unarguably irresponsible. Fortunately the College recognized this before it was too late and nipped what was sure to be a venus fly trap of scatology, sure to bloat itself with a cornucopia of reckless immature and offensive colloquialisms, right in the bud. Thanks to the wisdom of the Student Affairs and Activities Office, no longer will The Squat be able to mooch off of the College’s undying kindness. Though the College was able to realize its mistake, how can anyone feel secure knowing that it made a mistake like that to begin with? It certainly begs the question of whether or not coffee is the only substance in those precious porcelain mugs of theirs. Maybe it is forgivable that there was a failure to ensure a respectable quality to the paper; the administration is a trusting one and takes students at their word; there is an honor code after all! But how, pray-tell, could the higher-ups forget that there is already a humor publication on this campus? The Pillory, anyone? Is there some kind of con-
The Botetourt Squat ‘Chances Are, It’s News’
300 Chandler Hall, The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185 THE SQUAT - firstname.lastname@example.org NEWS - email@example.com PHOTOS - firstname.lastname@example.org BEAT - email@example.com OPINIONS - firstname.lastname@example.org VARIETY - email@example.com
Ryan Novak, Editor-in-Chief Zack Quaratella, Chief-of-Staff Jordan Obey, Managing Editor Sarah Lohmann, Arts Editor Jake Douglas, Copy Editor Rigel Kaufman, Staff Writer Tim Planert, Staff Writer Aiden Benshimol, Staff Writer
Ben Reynolds, Managing Editor Ryan Novak, News Editor Nitin Iyengar, Beat Editor Pratik Sinha, Senior Staff Writer John August Bridgeford, Staff Writer
Layout by Zack Quaratella and Ben Reynolds. Disclaimer: This is a satire newspaper, and should be read as such. Not intended for readers under 18, or people who don’t understand satire. Not intended to be read by Student Affairs. Special thanks to our lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure this monthly hardship. Any people represented in this paper are fictional, unless given express consent to the writer or editor. Please don’t sue us. We don’t have money.
spiracy taking place? Have we finally entered bizzaro world? It seems so. Why on earth does this campus need another humor publication? My personal theory is that members of the administration were certainly aware of this, but after trying to present this fact to the nefarious members of The Squat, they were threatened with physical violence by those barbarous bastards. One cannot help but shudder at the thought of it. Those cretins should be removed from this campus, hell, they should be excommunicated. Not like it would matter, if they ever had religion, they must have lost it long ago. The loss of their funding, however, clearly was not enough, if you, dear reader, are reading this. Those resilient braggarts managed to delay their own
inevitable humiliating deaths. Fear not, however, for the unquestioningly fucked up karma those cats are boiling themselves in will certainly catch up to them. Karma has a way of doing that. Biting you right in the tuckus right when you feel like you’re on top of the world, that is. Everybody gets theirs, and though they may be too stupid or possibly too arrogant to realize when it happens, they most certainly will. They laugh now, and I most certainly hope it’s an all so sweet and satisfying laugh, because soon that laugh will turn harsh and raw and become a choke as they suffocate in their own bullshit. For now though it seems they won’t give up, as if they owe it to someone not to. As if they are a part of something that has any semblance of value. §
Millions of hungry Americans saved by Alpha Phi Omega eating contest BY PUBLIUS SENIOR HUNGRY CORRESPONDENT Saturday, November 5, Alphi Phi Omega hosted its first annual eating contest, with the proceeds going to Feeding America. Dozens of pairs of contestants showed up to stuff their fucking faces with excessive quantities of cookies and whipped cream pie, astounding onlookers with their ability to consume thousands of calories in a matter of seconds. “This will definitely draw attention to food distribution inequality,” said onlooker Tomas Iglesias ‘12, “way too many people in this country are completely oblivious to the fact that their over-consumption literally steals food from starving children.” Contestant Jake Douglas ‘14 stole the show, consum-
News In Brief Lamb Reported Missing From Petting Zoo On the night of October 25, 2011, a lamb, known as Ezekiel Lambtamb, was reported missing from the Petting Zoo set up on the Sunken Gardens. The Petting Zoo, set up to provide stress relief for students cramming for a Math Powered Flight quiz, had closed for the night when the lamb was reported missing at 7:45 PM. Ezekiel, described as “plump,” and “well-marbled,” was last seen munching on grass near the far end of the gardens, and authorities
ing an astounding 3,500 calories of wheat, milk, and butter based sweets that otherwise could have been made into healthy bread. His partner, Ryan Novak ‘14 consumed 2,500 calories in under five minutes. “The four dollars we contributed will go a long way toward feeding poor people in this country,” said Douglas, after gorging himself shamelessly. 46.2 million Americans currently fall below the official poverty line, according to 2010 Census Bureau estimates. “Issues of wealth distribution inequality are at the center of the APO contest,” said Professor Zack Quaratella, “there is more than enough food to go around worldwide, especially in the United States. The problem is that wealthier people choose to consume more food. If there wasn’t this excessive demand, millions of people wouldn’t go hungry.” APO was not available for comment. §
are asking for anyone with information regarding his whereabouts to come forward, and added that the zoo’s owners were “very, very upset”. Rumors of the disappearance of Pablo, the Zoo’s Alpaca, are currently unconfirmed.
New Lamb Burgers at The Caf “All the Rage” Students flocked to The Caf, on October 26, 2011, to grab one of the school’s hottest new dining options: lamb burgers. The burgers appeared on the menu that morning without fanfare, but by lunchtime news had spread
of the new item, and students showed up in droves to grab a burger described by President Reveley himself as “succulent, plump, and well-marbled”. The Fresh Food Company, which supplies meals for the Caf, issued a statement saying “We here at Fresh Food are always looking to expand students’ culinary horizons with gourmet and exotic meals, and will continue to find new sources for ingredients in any way we can. Not to be outdone, Real Food on Campus announced that the Sadler Center would be serving “Pablo’s Special Alpaca Burgers” on Wednesday nights beginning October 27.
The Botetourt Squat
Friday, November 11, 2011
NASA Discovers Tatooine, Obama raises Threat Level to Dark Orange BY FATHER PADRE JUNIOR “CLEAN” CORRESPONDENT NASA announced Thursday, in the obscure town of Jackson Hole, Wyoming, the discovery of a solar system identical to that of Tatooine, the planet featured in the popular no-longer-science-fiction saga, Star Wars. The Kelpler Telescope—which began searching the skies in 2009 for ‘Earth like planets’ in our vicinity of the Milky Way Galaxy—made the discovery. This ‘circumbinary planet’ (a planet orbiting two suns) confirmed the long predicted assumption made by George Lucas of this type of solar systems existence in the late 70’s, but at an estimated 200 light years away, is shockingly not so far, far away. In a press conference held early this morning on the revival of the widely unpopular Bush-era color-coded threat level system, a haggard and disheveled President Obama stated that “There is no threat from the people of, damn, I mean, I mean, [sighs] the planet of Tatooine.” Afterwards
he refused to answer any further questions about the discovery, but later explained that the “Department of Homeland Security has predicted an increase in the number of foreign threats to our nation,” as a reason for reinstituting the color-coded threat level system. The Department of Defense also recently released a field manual on steps to surviving an infestation/invasion by zombies, clones, and trade federation droids to the public. A large number of militia groups are already forming, seeking both protection and revenge. When asked what the ‘rebels,’ as they are calling themselves, hoped to accomplish one angry 28 year old from California replied “We are preparing to overthrow the empire and eradicate every Gungan in the galaxy until the damaging affects of Jar Jar Binks have been fully reversed.” While a confirmation of life has yet to occur, one NASA insider estimated that with ‘hyperdrive’ like technology, an envoy from the planet could arrive with-
in a week. Incidentally, following the announcement from NASA, the American Christian radio host/crazy person Harold Camping, claims he discovered the error in his calculations from his March prediction and has stated that the end of the days will begin on November 12, 2011. §
The Botetourt Squat accepts full resposibility for any and all damage created by this article, including stress and emotional harm inflicted, lost time, property, and friendships. Email botetourtsquat@email. wm.edu for speedy compensation.
Class of ’66 alumni still “DTF,” drink all the Mountain Dew BY GOLDEN HAIRED NINNY CHIEF METEOROLOGIST Friday, October 22nd. The stench of the elderly was in the air as the alumni of the college, in the wake of William & Mary’s spectacular near-victory during homecoming, were treated to what could only be described as a “party.” It is a widely known fact that the average person over 60 goes harder than the average William & Mary student. William & Mary alumni are no exception, as there is little else to turn to after 4 years of pent-up frustration, anguish, and burgeoning inferiority complexes. So there should be little surprise that
there were those who became drunk and disorderly. But what happened next was truly terrifying. What started out as a loose coagulation of tipsy ‘66ers reminiscing about old times quickly devolved into a throng of hammered and horny seniors. “It was terrifying,” said one Jordan Obey, “there were people there who had two or three beers. Some of them even had four! It was more than I had ever seen anyone drink on this campus!” The horde began to make its way to WaWa, making catcalls and shouting lewd remarks at any female in sight, and saying that they were “DTF.” This reporter is not entirely sure what DTF means, but has
Omega Beta Delta wins Homecoming parade BY FATHER PADRE FRATT FRUBERRY OR SOMETHING In a Ferris Bueller-esque parade takeover, OBD stole the show at this year’s homecoming parade; an event that President Taylor Reveley could only afterwards describe as “succulent.” Disguised as the triangle players in the Berkeley Middle School Drum Line, the formally banned fraternity members snuck onto the parade rout. With the assistance of strategically placed alumni, the oddly tall triangle players broke ranks and commandeered the nearby Kappa Sig float. After throwing off the clearly inferior frat bros, the OBD brothers ripped off their cowboy marching band get-ups, and blasted some Aerosmith—real hardcore. Accompanied by cheers from the crowd and cries of pain from the conquered Kappa Sig members, the newly dubbed Overly Big DangerToSociety float rolled onward to victory. As if to exemplify the magnificent transformation from outlaws to heroes, OBD began shooting off fireworks from their off campus house, while brothers on the float hurled opium pipes, roofies, and horrendously dirty laundry. While showered with broken glass and illegal drugs, the crowd ate up the underdog story and increased their fevered cheers to a frenzy-like state. Not wishing to disrupt what was on
track to be the highlight of the event, the WMPD acted quickly only to remove the Kappa Sig brethren and usher the float onwards. As the alums of OBD began a slow clap in the crowd, the float eased to a stop in front of the announcer/judge’s table. One judge, so moved by the glorious return of OBD, was reduced to tears, which soon spread to the proud parents of the OBD members in attendance. President Reveley stepped down from the table and approached the brothers. After a “moderately flaccid handshake,” with Reveley, the President of OBD fell to a knee. Reveley then placed the wreath on the bent neck of the OBD President. According to numerous eyewitnesses, as Reveley bent down, a single tear cascaded elegantly down his left cheek. Following a moment of silence for OBD brothers past, the crowd broke past the WMPD barriers and swarmed the float, lifting aloft both the presidents of the school and the frat. A formal re-commencement event has yet to take place, but inside sources from Reveley’s office tell of plans to allow OBD first choice pick of rooms in the new 23 million dollar frat complex to be constructed on Yates Field. § Long live the glorious sons of Omega, Beta, and Delta. May their keggers reign eternal!
it on good authority that he will find out when he is older. One resident of the Bryan Complex, Adrianna Hillas was walking back to her dorm when she encountered the teeming mass. “That definitely never happened,” she said, “and I’d better not see this interview in that fucking piece of shit paper that you guys are wasting your time on.” This reporter found it truly tragic how Ms. Hillas could not come to terms with the horrifying reality of what occurred. The mob rampaged on, visiting old stomping grounds, going to theme parties in the Units, and even attempting the famed “Triathalon.” A police barracade at the entrance of Colonial Williamsburg stopped
the horde from running rampant through its historical streets. If anyone has any information on what the “Triathalon” actually is, please email this reporter at your convenience. The scene truly was horrific; one can only imagine the number of Class 01’ alumni’s newborn children were scarred forever. Luckily, the campus prepared for such an eventuality, and the walking orgy was quickly distracted with an emergency fireworks display before any serious harm could occur to Morton Hall, the only building left untouched by the marauding ‘66ers. Oh, and they drank all the Mountain Dew. §
CONTINUED from WU-TANG -ing of his verses. Residents attested to the suspicious nature of their new neighbors. “Constant rap music was playing so loudly I couldn’t even hear Antique Roadshow,” one resident stated, “and that’s just not fair!” “Yeah, I was wondering how three people could own 26 cars and 5 motorcycles,” said another, “it just seemed a bit implausible.” The council was split on the eviction vote, with Councilman Scott Foster recording one of the “nay” tallies. Foster said in a statement that “the law is bullshit; the Wu-Tang Clan were trying to turn a new leaf by attending college. The
Council has essentially burned the Constitution and pissed on its ashes.” Students have shown their solidarity with the Clan by playing their favorite Killa Bees songs out of their shitty laptop speakers. Anal RAs have been cracking down in their freshmen halls. The Williamsburg police department requests that anyone who knows the whereabouts of Ol’ Dirty Bastard to call them immediately. They express a wish to apologize for any inconvenience the encounter from Tuesday may have caused, and to return ODB’s pistols and crack. § Yah yah yaaaaaah yaaaaaah Yah yah yaaa Shimmy shimmy yah
Pumping iron with Jake Douglas Tips for true fitness Taking a yoga class in between heavy lifting days is a great way to destress and improve your core. Jake Douglas is a fitness instructor at the College of William and Mary, and he is a professional self-help columnist.
The Botetourt Squat
Friday, November 11, 2011
SA embezzles money to fund Siamese nurseries as meth lab fronts BY DR. RALPHY MOMO SENIOR BOB WOODWARD
Apparently there is a student organization more corrupt than even the nefarious Botetourt Squat; that’s right, all eyes are on you, Student Assembly. It seems that a total of $1,920 in revenues from Homecoming T-shirt sales was inconsequentially “lost” over the week by an unnamed member of the Undergraduate Council. All of this money will be reimbursed to the senior class by the Student Assembly. The money that has gone “missing” was meant to fund lovely events that were going to be avoided like the plague by the majority of the senior class. We’ve traced the money to one of the greatest schemes this publication has ever seen in its two months of existence. According to various anonymous and nonexistent resources, the money was in fact not lost by an unnamed individual, but an individual who has no name. How convenient. Absorbing nameless persons into your ranks to avoid the prickly little fingers of liability is nothing short of ingenious. “It’s hard to direct anger at someone without a face and a name, it’s especially difficult to track them down and break their shins, nonetheless hold them responsible for anything, they got no name! They’re cogs man, just cogs. All part of the corruption machine,” an anonymous source who prefers to remain nameless but who we assigned the moniker “Deep Shit” explained in a text message. “Anonymity is the power to do whatever you want, the Student Assembly knows that better than anyone, and you boys at The Squat better wise up too,” Deep Shit went on to say. The evidence suggests that ol’ blundering nameless over at the Undergraduate Council got the shoulder tap to not necessarily pilfer the dough, but rather look the other way while someone else did.
“Who actually made off with the cash doesn’t matter, it was probably just another one of the Student Assembly’s nameless finger men, what matters is Pratik Sinha is the fucking man. why they would take the dough and what they’re He will tutor you in calculus or economics because he is a fucking wizard planning on doing with it,” an anonymous female with that shit. with a seductive voice called into Squat HQ. He has plans to own the world’s largest ping pong emporium. So why would the Student Assembly steal from itself? “It’s all so perfect. You raise money, He will accept any friend request on Facebook. you stage a robbery of that money, you act dumbHe has a superpower that nobody knows about. founded, cry a little bit, and maybe even flash a firstname.lastname@example.org tle thigh, bada bing bada boom! The next thing you ADVERTISEMENT know the Student Assembly is reaching into its reserves and refunding the crap out of you. All of a sudden you have twice as much money as you raised,” Deep Shit aggressively speculated. The truth behind Deep Shit’s accusations only became more apparent as Squat staff members tried to call into the Student Assembly. “What? Who is this? The Squat? Fuck off! I don’t know anything about any slush fund!” was one of the many responses given to The Squat as it asked for comments about the situation. Luckily for The Squat, full cooperation was not needed to gather incriminating information. As members of the Student Assembly gladly explained just how unwilling they were to have any contact whatsoever with The Squat, they inadvertently exposed their shriveled, sagging guilt. “Who told you about the slush fund? Did those pricks tell you about Siam too? Not all of the nurseries are fronts for meth labs you know, we do some good things over there!” spat Student Assembly President Kaveh Sadghian ‘12. As of right now, it has yet to be determined just how much the Student Assembly has managed to embezzle, nor has it been found just how many and which exact Siamese Nurseries/Meth Labs are in cahoots with Student Assembly. An investigation ADVERTISEMENT into the matter is currently underway. §
Charlie and Einar are fucking awesome!
Period sex is gross, RE: “Keeping the sexual life fluid” BY THE WHISTLEBLOWER MOST HIGH SENIOR STAFF WRITER
Krystyna Holland? Behind-closed-doors columnist? Yeah, you! I hate to break the news, hon, but your artful exposé, “Keeping the Sexual Life Fluid,” in last month’s Flat Hat demands this modest reminder: period sex actually is legitimately gross. Let’s examine the logic of your argument here, and see what fundamental truths rise to the surface. You claim the number one obstacle that keeps people from hooking up is someone getting their period. This assertion presents two possibilities. One, you’re correct, and ladies pouring heavy torrents of blood out of their vaginas “like a scene out of Kill Bill” really does prompt men to question the advisability of “parting the Red Seas.” Do you honestly think the other sex (your partner included) is okay with this? It may be easy to forget that sexual liberation does not equal indiscretion. Ryan Novak ’14 thinks “period sex is totally grody.” And he’s right. Krystyna, why the tits is your name spelled with two y’s? But that’s totally getting off the subject. Let’s back up a bit. Ryan Novak ’14 thinks “period sex is totally grody.” And he’s right. Christina, I’ll admit it; I once fell prey to one of your compatriots. It was the most disturbing experience of my life. There’s nothing quite like carnal knowledge of unrealized baby paste. Readers, if you haven’t had
the trauma yourselves, it going to be difficult to explain what precise sensations accompany the sight of blood trickling off the tip of your penis and your pubic hair matted with gore not exclusively blood. Yeah, I told you: it’s gross. Have you guys seen the movie Se7en with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman? Remember when Kevin Spacey made that dude fuck the prostitute with a knife on his dick? Yeah, it was kind of like that, except with more scrambled eggs. Anyways, the other possibility is that you’re wrong, and the stubborn persistence of menstrual cycles throughout history is not the primary reason kids on this campus aren’t getting laid. I know it’s tough trying to get your nut, Christina. The field is mediocre at best, and the Botetourt Squat boys just aren’t putting out. But that’s no justification for suggesting women everywhere should subjugate their men to the yoke (in regards to my previous egg reference, no pun intended) of the menstrual monstrosity. You mention that you thought the “sex was really good[,] like, really good.” I’m happy that, unlike the rest of this college, you got an orgasm from somebody other than righty or lefty. Really, I am! But I’d like to pose this question. In the throes of the ecstasy you so explicitly describe, did you ever once look into your partner’s eyes? I think you would have seen a loss of innocence comparable to a boy losing his first puppy to the wheels of a freight train. I myself was rendered mute for at least half an hour, in-
consolable for a week. As God says in Leviticus 20:18, “if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.” We’re both fucked, Christina… uh, I mean, we’re both sinners. At least I’ve repented. God’s a really sharp guy. Believe me, He knows exactly how disgusting period sex is; He INVENTED menstruation. You have been corrupted by this most foul menstrual humor; yet, there is hope. The fact that you feel the need to assert that it’s encouraging that your partner still finds you sexually attractive is a telltale sign you have some inkling of the horror your kind has inflicted on that poor boy and many like him. You mention that “you highly doubt that anyone would want to be forever known as the ‘Period Girl.’” Well, Christina, if you don’t shape up your act soon enough, that Period Girl is going be you. You may fittingly declare, “methinks this writer doth protest too much.” Who the hell am I to reprimand you, a Behind-closed-doors columnist for the Flat Hat? Well, Krystyna, who the hell are YOU to advocate using menstruation as a sexual lubricant? Only the truth will set us free from the tyranny of the uncouth, so I’m reining you in, mister. Whistleblower OUT. §
The Botetourt Squat
Friday, November 11, 2011
Your Ad Here! For just pennies on the dollar your words and thoughts could be right here.
Thousands of students will feel your presence right before they burn our paper. Email email@example.com for more information.
INTERVIEW: Old man miffed after alien abduction did not end in anal probing BY DR. RALPHY MOMO SENIOR SHORT STRAW CORRESPONDENT
As this journalist’s shitty luck would have it, last Tuesday an ill-advised interview with a creepy octogenarian who claimed he was abducted by aliens was conducted. The only thing more apparent than his old person stench was his unsurprisingly irate behavior. It took all of this journalist’s courteous professionalism to focus as the senior citizen spittled a light yellow liquid all over his worn Miami Heat jersey, a direct effect of refusing to wear dentures. “Dentures tamper with the process of oral sex giv’n, son, if you weren’t a [derogatory term for homosexual] you’d know that!” he spat, after the suggestion of wearing dentures was made. After the angry spittle was wiped off this journalist’s glasses, the interview finally began: Botetourt Squat Rep: So, you say you were abducted by aliens. Is this true, or are you just batshit crazy? Grumpy Octogenarian: The two are not mutually exclusive boy-o. Hehe! Yeeaah! Squat Rep: It says on your written statement about the alleged events that once you were recovered after being missing for weeks all you had to say was, “Pussy fucking aliens, punk bitches too spineless to stick it up my ass.” Care to elaborate? GO: Listen, if them aliens are gonna go through all that trouble to abductotize me they gotta follow the rules of the abductee-abductor relationship... and probe my ass. He then proceeded to whip out some pistachios and chomp on them without deshelling, an impressive task for a man without teeth. Squat Rep: Well sir, I think it is safe to say that there are people who would consider not getting anally probed a positive thing. What do you say to that? GO: Hipster queers, all of ‘em. He unashamedly spits up some pistachios. Squat Rep: Right, it also says that you are trying to sue “Space ‘n Shit.” First, for what reasons are you planning to
Grinning, vanishing cats confound campus, grin Giant cats riddle students and disappear inexplicably, slowly BY SCHLONGDONG MANHAMMER SENIOR CHESHIRIST
This past weekend, there was an abnormal spike in the count of unexplained mutant kitty-cat sightings on campus. Through the nights of Thursday, October 27 and Monday, October 31, the William & Mary Police Department was overflowing with reports of the strange beings. “Initially, students seemed wary of the animals,” said Officer Joey (from Friends). “We were able to gather that the cats almost universally featured a pale-skinned face with flat whiskers and a black dot where the nose would generally be. They also had two large bulges coming from the torso/abominal area, and many reports stated that those body
sue? And secondly, how exactly does one sue space? GO: With a great fuckin’ lawyer am I right!? Man, I don’t know, I’m suin’ for a whole plethor-a of reasons. Did you know, there ain’t shit to see in space? Just a whole lot of nothin’ and lame ass aliens that won’t give your ass the time of day. All they wanted to do was know about “human behavior” and try to develop some kind of intermaplanetorium relationship. Squat Rep: They wanted to know about human behavior? That actually sounds quite interesting. What did you tell our celestial visitors? GO: I told ‘em what I told my kids when they
were young little shits, life ain’t about nothing but making love to beautiful woman, getting your ass fondled from time to time, and pistachios. And if no one wants to fondle your ass, you sue ‘em. You sue em real good! Also, “The Price is Right.” The rest of the interview proceeded with the senior citizen attempting multiple times to aggressively persuade this journalist to “play key hole” with his “corn hole.” § The Botetourt Squat in no way endorses the views expressed by either individual, but instead asks you to be good, generous people.
Squat staff likes “The Throne” Of all the cool publications on cam-
parts began to emerge from the black pus, the staff of the Squat likes to think fur as it became later in the night. This that “The Throne” is by far the best. No is where these creatures differ from do- other publications make our stay in the bathrooms of Swem better than it does. mesticated pet cats.” Now that we’ve hopefully gotten “One of them had its pink ears fall off your attention, Throne writers, please in front of me and I got scared. But then know that someone appreciates you. it started sucking my dick,” said SamuAlso, could you guys make those el “Two Beers” Canhammer ‘14. “It was toilets flush more quietly? § awesome!” Numerous others confirmed the reports that the mutant kitties were strangely sex-crazed. Some of their actions are not fit for print. Interestingly, on the same weekend one year ago, a similar surge in sightings was reported. Since then, however, the Taking a shot between classes is a creatures have stayed out of the public great way to destress and brace yourself eye. At the time of printing, a task force for an afternoon of horror. dedicated to the preservation of these specimens was in the assembly process. Ryan Novak not is a fitness “We want to know what makes these instructor at the College of William beautiful animals emerge specifically on and Mary, and he is not a this weekend every year, and make that professional self-help secret ingredient last forever,” said Jake columnist. Balls ‘13, leader of the task force. §
Not pumping iron with Ryan Novak Tips for true fitness
ARTS AND LEISURE
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, November 11, 2011 § PAGE 6
William and Mary debate team embraces nihilism QUITS EN MASSE “The debate team at William and Mary doesn’t give a fuck.” So it would seem, as evidenced by their new slogan, “Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torment of man.” After years of dealing with polo-induced polio, the members of the prestigious debate team have finally made a tribe choice: giving up. Debate, known for its roots in the ancient art of lying, has always been an activity consistent with bitching, straw-man arguments, and statistics. As if by divine intervention, all the debate team’s members finally had enough of arbitrary hypothetical argument and decided to do something better with their lives; that is, they stopped doing anything. One member elucidates, “Life is meaningless. C’thulu will swallow your soul. Herman Cain will win the 2012 election.” A bleak existence indeed. Local students and teachers alike are baffled by the extreme shortage of fucks given. Just a few weeks ago, students had the audacity to miss class in favor of going home for fall break early. Yes, you heard right, students opted to see their parents rather than actually going to class. Projections show that fucks are indeed at an all time low, and expected to fall to just one single fuck given by 2012. For those not in the know, nihilism is the belief
700 600 500 Fucks Given
BY PARTICLE MAN-SKYLORD SENIOR TOWELETTE MOISTENER
Projected Decline in Fucks Given Projected decline in fucks given
400 300 200 100 0 2005
Coldplay “fans” could be heard crying in anguish in all parts of the globe after the release of pariah-album Mylo Xyloto in October. Following Viva La Vida, critics wondered whether Coldplay would return to its piano ballad roots or continue to venture into the realm of pop rock. The band stunned observers by choosing a third way: uninspired nonsense. The album’s intro gives way to “Hurts Like Heaven,” an echoey uptempo tune that while doubtlessly ripped from more-or-less indie post-punky synth pop groups ala MGMT/TDCC/TNAF, still manages to redeem itself with annoying listenability. Luckily, this shitty album review was salvaged immediately by the nap-inducing “Paradise.” “Charlie Brown” confuses the fuck out of us with its title, but seamlessly repeats the same modal structure that we find throughout the album. “Us Against The World” is a perfect copy of Coldplay’s earliest sad-piano-weeping tunes, with the notable lack of novelty. Martin’s voice fades into the shamelessly recorded “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall,” which features lyrics that would feel perfectly at home in a Miley Cyrus song (“I got my records on... I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song.”) Sure to be the al-
that LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. Indeed, one could go as far as saying that nihilists think EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS GOING TO DIE. Depending on what particular niche of nihilism a person falls into, they could also harbor thoughts such as EXISTENCE IS A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION, GOD IS ONLY A PHANTOM CREATED BY MAN TO ASSUAGE THEIR PRIMAL DESIRE TO LIVE BEYOND DEATH, or in some cases, MORALITY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT THAT RESULTS FROM CASTRATING TRUE HUMAN NATURE. Despite the recent outbreak of nihilism, Squat readers should fear not. The single fuck projected to exist in 2012 will be ours exclusively, and we will ration it to all of our valued readers at a premium, using
the profits to invest heavily in fuck-giving bonds and oversaturated fuck stock destined to fail, eventually losing 40% of our net fuck worth, only to be bailed out by the government, with all of our kingpins getting off scot-free. Then, for the hell of it, we’ll all get a few million in fuck kickbacks. §
Mylo Xyloto released; distraught Coldplay fans cry deeply while listening to “The Scientist” bum’s “smash” hit, “Teardrop” will fit perfectly into BY PUBLIUS RESIDENT HIPSTER DICKHEAD
any Top 40 station’s mid-afternoon set. “Major Minus” features repetitve lyrics, structure, and little in the way of dynamics. It should be skipped without hesitation if one ever has the misfortune to listen to the album all the way through. “U.F.O.” is another Parachutes throwback, but doesn’t last nearly long enough to alarm first time listeners before the near-satanic “Princess of China” hits their unsuspecting eardrums. A terrifying mix of ripped RnB patterns and modern shit-pop, “Ft. Rihanna” just asks to be blared out of countless minivans as they cruise toward local middle schools. “Up In Flames” grasps at production value and ends up with some shitty drums stuck underneath your average sad-weepy Coldplay song. “Don’t Let It Break Your Heart” is most offensive because it is followed by the not-so-bad “Up With The Birds.” Sadly, everything in Mylo Xyloto has been done before, and done better. We shouldn’t expect too much in the way of innovation from Coldplay, of all bands, but any album should bring something interesting, at the very least, to the table. Mylo Xyloto disappoints, not fantastically so, but just enough to leave a slight taste of bile in our mouths. Chris Martin famously stated, in what now seems like a truly telling interview, that “rock bands shouldn’t keep going past 33.” Chris Martin is 34. §
Live as long as you please, you will strike nothing off the time you have to spend dead. - Michel de Montaigne All things are subject to to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power, not truth. - Friedrich Nietzche
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, November 11, 2011 § PAGE 7
Cogito, ergo nihilo BY EDITORIAL STAFF A SERIOUS CONCERTED EFFORT BY THE EDITORS
The adult rhinoceros takes time out of its busy day to not give a fuck about your lifestyle.
Letter to the Editor: Do not read this letter BY SILENCE DOGOOD CONTRIBUTING WRITER/CON-MAN
It may be improper to inform you Readers that the College of William and Mary is the most sexually deprived campus in America, but it is indeed necessary. In my long tenure here at the College, I can attest to this hard-to-swallow assertion. The “Behind-the-Doors” column attempts to ameliorate this real problem with elaborate stories of sex on campus, but really only exacerbates the sexual fallacy in which we live. Let’s be honest: we need more libido on this campus—immediately. First a few words for men: you go to the second oldest college in the nation, prove that chivalry is not dead. Let us remember: it is not sexist to be a gentlemen by holding the door for all persons, letting a women enter an academic building first, or taking a girl out on a coffee date. It’s called being classy. Man up and be a gentleman. If the men can do this, then we may see an exponential increase in campus-wide LLs (libido levels) amongst the women. Secondly, let me address women on this lovely campus: sorry ladies, but W&M guys don’t have cooties. Loosen up and enjoy a good makeout for what it is worth. It seems as though all the “catches” on campus have LDRs (long distance relationships), in spite of their flirtatious demeanors. Cum [sic] on ladies, end your long distance relationships and enjoy those around you. If you can tell someone, “yeah I have a boyfriend, but we’ll probably break up after the holidays,” then you shouldn’t be dating him in the first place. Stop hiding your sexual depravations and go get yourself a steamy makeout session Thursday nights at the Leafe, or if you’re feeling really sexy, perhaps on the back porch at College? Don’t underestimate the DFMO (Dance Floor Make Out) or the HDBMS (Hot Deli Booth Make-Out Session). Both are good for the mind, body, and soul and will definitely slake your sexual sweet tooth. Be true to yourself and make out with that cute boy in your Bio class before we are all old and wrinkly. Since I am an equally observant sex columnist, here are a few thoughts for LGBTQ student body: you all don’t need any advice. The heterosexual community would be less strung out if
both the men & women released their load every once and while, and the LGBTQ folks know this oh so well! Lastly, a suggestion for the whole student body: take the extra forty minutes to freshen up, work out, and look good. Let’s put this to practice. With finals coming up in a few weeks, let’s break the precedent that “it’s OK to look like shit,” and instead look presentable. Nothing’s worse than seeing that hot girl from Bio Class in sweats and a look of extreme sleep deprivation. We can all fix the amount of sexual deprivation on this campus through a communal initiative; starting with individual choices I’ve appropriately named “Tribe Sex Choices.” Why the harsh language you ask? On campus, W&M could change the horrible reputation we have as a boring, sexually deprived colonial hellhole. Don’t believe me? Just look at what the personification of the “Southern Belle” has done to the national ranking of universities like Vanderbilt, Emory, Wake Forest, and, of course, UNC. It’s the true triple threat, hot, blonde, and smart, that makes the creepy/old horny men turned on and feeling generous. I argue that W&M students have just as much to offer as their “Southern Belle” and “Prep/Bro” counterparts if they’d just pick their nose out of their text books. Who knows how much more fun this “boring little Colonial town” would become? Don’t wait, go and get some. The Botetourt Squat takes no responsibility for the extreme sexual frustration and out of control libido of the letter writer to whom we have no connection. Quite frankly, we printed this article for some cash to print the newspaper, and you can thank our lack of funding for this problem. We find this writer’s opinion appalling and pedantic. At the same time, we’d like our readers to know that we’ll print literally anything, including articles, letters, drawings, and neo-Nazi manifestos. Send your delicious material to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just walk to the edge, peer in the depth of your eternal soul and know that the nothingness you see is reflected a thousand times over by death. We, as a staff, believe in nothing. Dear reader, fret not, for in nothing we find not sorrow, despair, or fear but inexplicable joy! We revel in the darkness, we rejoice in the depth of blackness. People tell us that in light, we are blessed with perception of the natural things around us. They say that these senses give us answers, that we can use them to understand the universe around us. Hubris, simple hubris. I posit that our senses do nothing but leave us confused, scared and with only more questions. What answers do you have, read reader? What knowledge are you sure of? Nothing. Nothing can be known, for this knowledge is only ascertained through the pathetic senses we rely on. Ants we are, marching happily to an enternal ignorance. Many wonder why we choose to believe in nothing. What happiness can we achieve from this viewpoint on life, you ask? Well, dear reader, the eternal happiness some believe in only as myth and unattainable in this existence can be achieved through nihilism. Disasters happens, life happens, love happens, death happens, but with nihilism that eternal sickness can be cured. Think not of death as a disease, but as a way to bring you closer to the darkness that will embrace you so tenderly. We urge you to love life today and everything that comes with it, including its final stages. Fear not death, for such an inevitability can suddenly seem not so bleak. There are other great benefits to the Dark. As officially affiliated nihilists with The Free Nihilist Guild, we also get free tshirts, coffee mugs, baseball hats, and a monthly newsletter entitled Nihilism Today. We can’t do this anymore, nihilism is fucked up. Don’t be like us, dear reader, please don’t. At first it’s all t-shirts and eternal nothing, then all the sudden you start destroying things for fun and calling your grandmother stupid. It’s horrible. Simply horrible. We hate our lives. §
Frats to receive new housing
BY GOLDEN HAIRED NINNY water.” BAD SANTA Mr. S. Fucker then went on to say “I’m really going to miss this In a rather expected develop- place. We’ve put a lot of time and ment, the on-campus Fraterni- effort throwing parties here, getties, perhaps best known for their ting it to look just right, when we work on the Units, are to be giv- could’ve been doing fun things en new housing. like playing Magic: the GatherMany students have experi- ing or watching Digimon. But enced their unique methods of now I think we’re leaving it in decoration and interior design- capable hands- disgruntled stua veneer of urine, vomit, blood, dents with shitty housing numand broken dreams. bers who only have alcohol to When asked why they used turn to.” such abhorrent materials, Some This reporter could only reFucker there said “There’s an im- spond “Um… I was only askportant symbology behind it. It’s ing for directions to Unit D, but like, this campus is a part of who that’s… that’s cool too, I guess. we are. And in coating the Units I’m going to walk away now.” § in our bodily fluids, we become a part of campus. Also, the autumThe Squat clearly doesn’t nal browns, reds, and yellows reseem to understand the idea ally provide a lovely juxtaposiof section headings. tion with the summery greens of all the trees and rancid Crim Dell
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, November 11, 2011 § PAGE 8
Intramural team crushes meager opponent, wears uniforms to game BY TOM BOMBADIL SENIORITY-NEUTRAL SPORTS WRITER
There is an old adage in intramural sports at the College of William and Mary: “Game time is forfeit time.” There is an even older adage in intramural sports at the College: “Don’t be a total dick.” Unfortunately, the men and women of The Wedding Crashers didn’t get either of those memos. An hour and a half before their matchup against The Dinwiddie Second Lowers, The Crashers arrived at Busch field and began their warm-up rituals. They started by igniting a massive bonfire in the parking lot behind the Caf. Around the great fire they danced, and as they worked themselves into a bloodthirsty fervor they burned their opposing team captain’s effigy. Once the straw doll was incinerated completely, The Crashers began smashing the windows of all the vehicles around the parking lot, yelling “materialism is greed: GREED IS DEATH! DEATH TO CAPITALISM!” A crazed member of the team then doused the great fire with his body, and after the embers cooled, jumped off in a disturbing show of endurance. Another member, reportedly The Crashers’ free safety, opened her purse and produced several voodoo dolls.
“The Dinwiddie Second Lowers will pay for their insolence!” she screamed, ripping the limbs off of each doll. After this show of what can only be described as anarchy mixed with pagan ritual, the team calmly retook the gates of Busch field with quiet determination painted on their bloodied faces. Team Captain Bill Parcells led his team in a unique stretching circle involving a series of rods and levels. Three team members appeared to be in obvious physical discomfort, while two others perished. The Wedding Crashers still had an hour and ten minutes until their scheduled match against The Dinwiddie Second Lowers, so as a part of their warm up exercise, they paired up and began smashing their heads against each other, apparently attempting to intimidate their opponents who had not yet arrived. As if the scene was not horrifying enough, The Crashers stripped naked and rubbed oil all over their bodies. At this point, the iron fist of the IM Police Black Ops Task Force came down on The Crashers. They shrunk under the fantastic authoritarian power of the IMPBOTF, who surrounded the team with threatening objects like orange sweatshirts and nets before commanding, “please put clothes on; nudity is frowned upon in IM,” adding, “this isn’t varsity.”
The Wedding Crashers acquiesced and put their cloths back on, but quickly resumed smashing their heads together. This continued for a full hour until The Dinwiddie Second Lowers arrived. The Lowers, who actually took the time to make uniforms, and The Crashers took the field in what would prove to be the most lopsided match that IM allowed that night. The Lowers defeated The Crashers 35-0 in just under six minutes of play. Said the captain of The Lowers, “we expected this to be an easy game on the gridiron; we’d heard that The Crashers talked a big game but really are just a bunch of nihilists. Everyone knows nihilists suck at flag football.” Parcells responded “there is winning and there is misery,” before speeding away on his moped. The Lowers are 1-2 after their victory over The Crashers, who fell to 0-3. §
Brown bag disrupts Student Assembly meeting Super, deserved thanks brown bag incident in the near future. The brave poto: Matt “Frat” Rubern Kevin Silverman licemen from the local foot patrol took up the dauntBY MAMMARY GLADYS IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND STAFF WRITER
At last week’s Student Assembly meeting, a mysterious brown bag caused an obvious disturbance as the council attempted to discuss important university-wide policies and as presenters struggled to express their ideas. Members of the audience waiting to make their presentations on issues ranging from local security to Wall Street protests sat uncomfortably in their squeaking spinning chairs as the brown bag loomed ominously on the front table. “I couldn’t help but notice the bag,” said an audience member as he fidgeted, shifty-eyed, still anxious from the looming effects of the brown bag, “it was just THERE, you know. It just sort of looked at you, but, like, didn’t look at you at the same time... cause it didn’t have eyes and all.” The bag first made its presence known when it was placed, unheard, on the corner of the table closest to the audience. No body seemed to see the perpetrator and some members of the council believe that it was there the whole time. “It was there from the beginning,” a council member claimed, “nobody noticed at first because we were all caught up in the excitement of the riveting Assembly meeting. There’s nothing more exciting than the beginning of the first Assembly meeting of the month! We were all joking and laughing. But the joke’s on us I guess. The joke’s on us.” The ominous presence of the bag even caused a few members of the audience to leave the room, some temporarily, yet some could not take the judging “eyes” of the bag for a moment longer. “Never have I felt so... on the spot,” one student said. “It’s nerve wracking!” another exclaimed. It was an emotional meeting for all involved, and the brown bag will live in all of our nightmares. However, we can be assured that there will not be another
ing task of disposing of the bag. “We made sure the coast was clear, then just snatched it before it could cause any more harm,” assured the head police officer, “It is currently being properly disposed of. Nobody will have to worry about any other disturbances from that brown bag.” As meetings are now being thoroughly monitored and a new “No Bag” policy is currently circulating through executive council, our students and faculty can rest assured that no more brown bags will be plaguing our governmental gatherings any longer. § The Botetourt Squat editorial staff has no snide remarks to make about this article. We believe that brown bags are heinous and should be removed from any gathering of political importance, lest they sway the proceedings. Brown bags represent the nothingness in our souls and in our hearts. Our brave hearts.
Carly Shira Aaron Buzek Tim Abhiram Harshalli Dona McKelvey Katie Landen Taylor Nelson Michael Willson Taylor Hurst Ethan Pearlstein Snufalufagus Jones Eric Gasperoni Pratik Sinha Anita Wright ALAN TENNENT Zach Moore Zak Golberger Suzan Ok Shawn Holloway Rebecca Roberts Daniel Pefrino Jordan Suttire The Pillory Will Marsh Kaye Benner Skip Gilmour Nathan Wiser Peter Ronson Sara Rock Sarah Faszewski (inscrutable signed name) Mike “World Socialism” Crumpler Preston “Free Speech Badass” Lyon David St. John (maybe?)
The Botetourt Squat Staff would like to thank the above people and the many others who remain silent donors. We were truly humbled by the gratitude displayed by the Tribe community. Such a strong show of support makes us appreciate the community we have forged here on this campus. It was unfortunate circumstances that brought us to beg our fellow students for funding, a situation that no College sanctioned student publication should be placed in. We hope that future issues will be supported by the tuition we already pay and through the proper channels. Thanks again for those who donated, talked to us, or even made awkward eye contact with us as we yelled at them for money. -BS Editorial Staff