Page 1

VOLUME X, ISSUE 5

TODAY’S WEATHER Today: Rain Tomorrow: A witch’s funeral

The

Blowfish

Unemployed grad accepts penny for his thoughts Pg. 1¢

ACADEMIC NEWS: Student asserts individuality by writing paper in Helvetica instead of Times New Roman Pg. 12-pt. font

SOCIAL NEWS: Student hides out in campus center to avoid returning to room Pg. 5 roommates

MORAL NEWS: Guy who exclusively uses styrofoam plates has special place in hell Pg. 666

TRAFFIC NEWS: Girl almost dies crossing South Street Pg. 365 fucking days per year

JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: What is blue and smells like red paint? A: Blue paint

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: Come on, Guys. It was a joke!

Read us online! www.issuu.com/theblowfish

Health care debate! Page 2 Perspectives! Page 3 Cover letter mad-libs! Page 3 April Fools! Page 4

Higher Tuition, Take a Hike

Inside This Issue JOB NEWS:

April 5, 2012

Why is this issue different from all other issues?

Brandeis tuition hikes engage outdoorsmen

After receiving the the school, most observers said they didn’t interpret the e-mail about the in- message that way. Given that the school has increased the coming tuition hikes number of students while making no attempts to add housat Brandeis, some students are understandably upset. After ing, and already charges far more than most households are all, hiking takes away time from social justice and eating, able to provide, it seems unlikely that the university would which are Brandeis’ most popular extracurriculars accord- need to raise their costs. ing to the Wabash survey. The outdoorsmen on campus, Though concerns have been raised over the possibility however, are excited by the idea of tuition hikes. “Finally, that the university meant to announce rising tuition costs, our tuition money is recogmany find this reading of the nizing the importance of e-mail ridiculous. Bill Jeroski hiking, a great pastime that ’15 told The Blowfish, “If we don’t do enough of,” this were about money, why Mountain Club member and would people be so upset? I Irish revolutionary Michael mean, really. This place is a Collins ’13 told The Blowbargain. My father has no fish. problem with the bills here, Students are eager to go and he’s only a corporate to Blue Hills and start dislawyer. Come on, we’re praccovering some of the windtically lower-middle class. ing trails that spider-web the I don’t think the university lovely New England scenwould have even notified us ery. “The university said that of that kind of change. The hard times are ahead of us, hike must be referring to tuand that really excites me,” ition-based mountaineering.” Carl Severe ’15 told The “Also, the e-mail said that Blowfish. “I want to really Brandeis was going to do work up a sweat on these these tuition hikes because all hikes. Otherwise, why boththe other schools were doing er going?” it,” said James Moore ’14. And they say money doesn’t grow on trees. But what if some people “So they are clearly referring can not afford the physical hazards of the hikes? Susan to the physical activity of hiking. After all, from a universiTompkins ’11 told The Blowfish, “I don’t come from a ty management standpoint, it makes no sense simply to use place with a lot of mountains, so I don’t think my family other schools as a reference for price decisions, as there is can support me through all of these new hikes. Frankly, no correlation between how one institution is run versus it’s scary; I feel betrayed. I mean, we already have a pretty another.” steep hill here. Don’t we have enough of a hike schlepping Regardless, one can only hope that when these tuition from one end of campus to the other?” hikes actually take place, they happen during freakishly While some have suggested the tuition hikes might unseasonal warm weather like of two weeks ago rather be referring to raising the price of attending classes at than the freakishly unseasonal cold weather this past week.

BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer

Black Marketing 101

Students turn to black market for commencement tickets

Last week’s announcement Students have been overjoyed to find a plethora of illegal of the 2012 commenceitems in the black market that they never even thought they Amateur Surgeon ment honorees has made needed until they saw them. “It’s called impulse shopping the impending event that much more of a reality. Unfortu- because you never know when something disastrous will nately, students who are lucky enough to have all of their happen,” said black market marketing expert Debra Matgrandparents still living are a few commencement tickets thew in an interview with The Blowfish. “I am so glad that short. Faced with the prospect of choosing among their I have a large family,” gushed Mark Smithson ’12. “Withrelatives and foregoing parts of their inheritances, des- out them, I never would have realized how much I needed perate students have appealed to the development office to have a grenade collection.” for extra tickets. The development office’s only response, When asked how they were responding to the black-marhowever, was a pre-emptive solicitation for alumni dona- ket situation, Campus Police responded: “We’ve handed tions. Seniors therefore had no other choice than to turn out 14 tickets in the past week to students parking in the to the black market to wrong lots.” When The score the extra comBlowfish pressed the pomencement tickets. lice to find out about stuSome students are no dents venturing into the strangers to the black black market, the police market process, having responded: “Look, let’s used the market to score stick to what we know: illegal substances, such parking.” as hard-core antihisWhile the developtamines and comprement office is not happy hensive study guides that students are going for PSYC 1a. Others outside the system to were new to the comacquire tickets, they are mercial underworld happy that this means and approached it with less work for them. One extreme caution. Stustudent, who asked to redents who knew a guy main anonymous (Elissa who knew a guy were Mark ’12), went to the instructed to go to the black market intending “How many tickets can I get for this kidney?” creepy, dilapidated hut to buy tickets for her by East and knock on the door in a repetitive motion. grandparents and instead came back with a baby. “He was When someone answers the door, they need to say: “‘The cheaper and cuter,” she argued. Students are discovering Blair Witch Project’ sucked but ‘Cloverfield’ was even the black market and the joys of midget-dust (a form of worse.” Upon hearing the catchphrase, the doorman ad- PCP that sends you to the ground rather than flying like the mits the student into a series of labyrinthine tunnels that angels) thanks to the ticket shortage. connect to a large underground market. BEMCo, however, has had to respond to far more calls “Look, I have a lot of family members,” complained than they are used to. “Students have discovered that kidAriana Blumowitz ’12. “I needed enough tickets for my neys are like gold in the black market. The right kidney mother, father, three sisters, two brothers, four grandpar- could sell for upwards of 12 commencement tickets,” exents, three great-grandparents, eight aunts, eight uncles, plained Sam Weinstein ’13, a member of BEMCo. “We’ve 21 cousins and my neighbor. Where else was I supposed have had numerous calls from first-years, complaining that to turn? And, while I was there, I was able to stock up seniors jumped them, drugged them and stole one of their on some livers. Everyone loves some chopped liver with kidneys. It’s vicious, man. On the other hand, less students their knishes.” does alleviate the housing problem.”

BY FREDDIE HALL


PAGE 2- OPINION

Blow / CounterBlow

BlowScopes

Last week’s arguments before the Supreme Court have brought the issue of Obamacare to the forefront of public debate. Among the most controversial sections of the Affordable Care Act is Article IX Section 9.376 of the bill, which requires all waiting-room literature be published within the last six months.

Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - Surprise parties would be way more surprising if they did not take place on our birthday, just saying.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - Maybe you can’t be a triathlete, but you can always be a try-athlete!

Aries: March 20 - April 20 - Men can get their eyebrows waxed too. No big deal.

Pro:

Con:

This measure is clearly within the constitutional power of Congress. As a society, we have a vested interest in a literate, informed citizenry. Everyone has a right to up-to-date reading material. Without this law, medical practitioners and the fashionpolice state media will continue to subject their patients to the same glossy, dog-eared pages that have been sitting in their waiting rooms for decades. Most of the free perfume samples don’t even work anymore! A little dignity please. What does it say about our health care system when patients are trapped for hours on end in a little windowless room and are then told to pee in a cup? It’s practically waterboarding. Where is the personal agency? Where is the liberty? The least we can give them is a little light, up-to-date reading material. I mean, without this measure, women will be walking around thinking that their outfits are “trendy” when they are actually from like five seasons ago. My wife thinks that gladiator sandals are still in style and I don’t have the heart to tell her that they’re not. But they’re not.

Like any good American, I firmly believe that everyone should be responsible for their own reading material, assuming, of course, that it meets the moral standards of the Jefferson County School Board. Ultimately, what individuals choose to read is not an issue for the public sphere but can be solved through the free market. Let the Kindle and the Nook fight it out and leave me the hell out of it. I mean, how do you even turn on the damn thing? Oh—I see—you press the big button in the center … and oh, look at that, all of my books are on this cute little shelf. That’s actually kind of cool. But I digress. It is not for the government to decide how doctors conduct themselves in their place of business because their medical degrees and that whosie-whatsit oath give them license to set up their waiting rooms anyway they choose. Wasn’t that what Roe v. Wade was all about? Besides, magazine subscriptions are a waste of our health care dollars because they cut into the lollipop and novelty band-aid budget. I don’t need some magazine to tell me how to raise my children or what color palette works best with my complexion. That’s what my staff is for.

Sincerely, Robert McCrandall Taurus: April 21 - May 21 You say you don’t have control but it’s right there on your keyboard.

Sincerely, Allison Alterman

Photo Poll:

What’s your superpower, other than being white men?

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 Knit a row, purl a row. Repeat 500 times and you’ve got yourself a scarf!

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 Never trust a swivel chair that turns counter-clockwise.

“Infallibility.” -The Pope

“My ability to gestate life.” - J. Scott van der Meid

“Making ladies.” - Professor Henry Higgins

“Concealing the fact that I’m a cripple.” - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“I can find pot anywhere on campus.” - Ed Callahan

“I have so much money. Also bat ears.” - Batman

Leo: July 23 - August 23 Your “come hither” look could use some practice. You’ll know when you get it right. Try putting your eyebrows into it. Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - As Tax Day approaches, be prepared. Remember, the best way to keep the IRS away is to pay your taxes and/or sacrifice your firstborn to them. Libra: September 24 - October 23 - All hail QWERTY! All hail QWERTY! All hail QWERTY!

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - How is it that Barney and his sister Baby Bop were the sole survivors of the total annihilation of the dinosaurs? Conspiracy?

Don’t pass over this great opportunity to join The Blowfish!

Editors

Jesse Appell Yael Katzwer Stacy Handler

Dan Tassone (AWOL) Abbie Kagan (AWOL)

Staff

Michael Chernin Gordy Stillman Adam Garbacz Scott Ogelsby

Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - Remember, it’s not slutty if everyone is doing it. Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - Congratulations! From now on you will be able to tell the future, but you will only be able to see when your shoelaces will become undone.

For Reading

Thank You

Paul Gale Audrey Stout Elly Kalfus Nate Ennis

Contributors

Jordan Warsoff

You?

YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

Interested in photo-shopping? Join us at our next meeting on Tuesday, April 17, at 8 p.m. in the BMC, third floor of the SCC.


Prospective’s Perspective: March 30, 2012 - 10:32 p.m. It’s almost time! In just a few hours, I’ll be headed to Brandeis University, a very promising New England college to which I have been accepted, to experience a day in the life of a regular old college student! I’ve contacted my host and he says that he is a midyear, which I assume means we’re pretty much the same age. He says that he lives in a village, which is awesome. I heard that Brandeis had a castle, but it has a village too? It’s like a medieval playground! I can barely sleep I’m so excited! March 31, 2012 - 8:30 a.m. Finally at Brandeis! I’m a few hours early, but better early than never, right? I keep calling my host, but he’s not answering. Probably in class. That ol’ busy bee! I’ll bet he’s working hard! I can’t wait to meet him and learn his discipline! March 31, 2012 - 10:49 a.m. Still no word from my host. But it’s OK, I like wandering around the campus! I’ve got my sleeping bag, my pillow, my laptop, my backpack, my homework (from LAME high school!), my photo albums that I’m going to show my host and a map of Boston in case I get lost. I should’ve brought some snacks though. I was so excited that I forgot to eat breakfast! Oops! No matter though, my host has probably got TONS of snacks, as I hear most college students have the munchies. March 31, 2012 - noon Not quite sure where my host went …That’s OK! I’m sure he’ll be back soon. He gave me his number to contact him, but it keeps going straight to voicemail. I’m also not sure where the dining halls are. I haven’t had anything to eat yet. They said that all you needed was WhoCash, but I’m not sure what that is or how to get it. Does Brandeis have its own currency or something? But you know what? They’re probably just teaching me to be independent, like a real college student is, right?

NEWS- PAGE 3

Blofiles in Courage

Flat-footed student overcomes orthopedic obstacles

Franklin Marlon ’12 has overcome a lot of orthopedic obstacles in his life, most of which stem from his chronic flatfootedness. His parents first became aware of his foot issues when he learned to walk at the age of one, a normal point in the developmental process. They shrugged it off as a normal side-effect of being a wobbly-ass toddler. A few years later, while wearing sandals and playing nicely with the little Smith girl down the street, his parents couldn’t help but notice that his feet did not have the same graceful arch as his companion. The Marlons were told that the flat-footedness was most likely a result of their terrible genetics. Marlon has been forced to deal with a number of setbacks resulting from his condition, namely dating. Marlon revealed to the Blowfish, “I asked out this really pretty girl. She took one look at my feet and shook her head. All she said was, ‘I feel like you wouldn’t be able to give me the kind of support I need.’” Doctors say his foot can be represented on a bilateral cross-section, using an index of five standard deviations from the average arch width. “What could I do? How could anyone ever love me with my poor support system.” Everywhere Marlon goes, he remains in the shadow of his handicap. Marlon recounted a horrifying experience while studying abroad. What should have been an enlightening experience in a country known for its cheese and tendency to surrender was instead a footrelated nightmare. During his junior year in France, a simple visit to the Arc de Triomphe reminded him of his less than triumphant arch. “It was horrible! I started shouting at the tour guide in broken French. I had just started French two years ago, so at the time I only knew four foot-related curses. I had to re-use a few of them.” In his darkest hour, a Jewish Marlon recalled turning to the church for support. “I prayed to the archangel of arch angles, but nothing happened. So then I drank a lot of alcohol. That also didn’t help.” After years of interpersonal therapy, though, Marlon says he is ready to re-enter the social scene. “I know it will be tough and it’s going to take a lot of work. I’ve been rejected so many times now, I don’t really have anything left to lose. Flat-footedness will no longer be my arch enemy! To hell with my insecurities. I’m going to be an archaeology major!”

BY SYLVIA GRALL Salt Shaker

April 1, 2012 - 8 a.m. Good morning! I feel so well-rested! Unfortunately, I dropped my phone in that public water hole in Massell quad, so I haven’t been able to contact my host. Luckily, I still had my sleeping bag so I camped out on the “great lawn.” I figured someone’s bound to find me! They sure don’t joke about those New England winters. I tried to wake up earlier but a layer of frost encrusted me to the ground. Oh well! That means more sleep! I’m getting so much more sleep than in LAME high school! And more time sleeping means less time hungry! April 1, 2012 - 11 a.m. Good news! My host finally found me! APRIL FOOL’S!!! Nah, but I really don’t know where he is. I’m sure he’s just joshing me. That’s what college kids do. It’s all in good fun, right? I think this is what they call hazing. But man, I should really be getting some dinner soon. They say there’s an Einsteins burgers in Shapiro, but all I see is a big empty lounge with some vending machines. Weird. If only I had some cash on me … Guess I’m broke … just like a real college student! April 2, 2012 - 4:58 p.m. I think it’s Monday? I’m not sure if I’m supposed to stay this long, but hey, the more college experience the better! I was so disoriented from hunger that I fell off a ledge by the castle and broke my watch, so I’m not quite so sure what time it is. I also now hear a wheezing sound whenever I breathe in. I guess Brandeis really took my breath away! Haha! But really, I really should not move too fast or suddenly, or else I’ll start coughing up a lung. And still no sign of that Ruboloff dining hall! I’ve been looking everywhere for it, but it seems to have eluded me! Maybe it’s because I’m having trouble seeing now. I feel so weak … April 3, 2012 - 4:58 p.m. I hope this wasn’t too terrible of an idea … I wanted to get a better look at campus, so I thought I’d climb that big brick tower they have by the castle. That’s what the rungs are for, right? Anyways, I’m here at the top, but I can’t really see much because of all this smoke. I hope everyone in the tower is all right! Should I call the police? This smoke is really irritating my lungs too. I shhhhhjdschkinbam Did I just fall off that tower? I can’t really feel anything at the moment. And how the hell have I kept my laptop on me this whole time? I’ve lost essentially everything else I brought here, including my dignity! Does this mean I’m ready for college? April 4, 2012 - 12:28 p.m. Well, I’m finally back home. And by home, I mean the hospital. I’m not really sure how I got here, but since I’ve kept my journal active, maybe I can retrace my steps. No? I don’t remember typing that last one. Come to think of it, I still don’t think I’ve eaten in a while. But all in all, I’m happy with my experience at Brandeis! I didn’t get to meet anyone, but that means I experienced it all for myself and I can have an unbiased opinion. And I’ve officially slept outdoors during a New England winter, so I should be prepared for anything! And that means that actual housing will be so much better! All I have to say is thank you Brandeis! This visit has helped me make my college decision! I’m going to Williams!

“You really have to rub it in, don’t you?”

We Got Your Cover Letter Covered

Since most Brandeis students now find themselves in dire need of an internship and/or job, The Blowfish has provided the following template to help these poor, lost, otherwiseunhirable souls: Dear _______________ (Sir/Madam/Made-Up Pronoun) I would like to present myself as a candidate for _______________ (pretentious job). I heard about the position through a posting on _____________ (sketchy website). I believe that the position would be a _______________ (ingratiating adjective) opportunity for me to pursue my interests in ______________ (irregular activity that makes you unique), _____________ (normal activity that you do in a non-normal way) and _____________ (first activity repeated again in order to maintain rule of threes). Throughout my time at _______________ University (school ranked higher than Brandeis), I have been involved in _______________ (made-up social justice club), which has given me the skills necessary to be a _______________ (similar ingratiating adjective) asset to your organization. As _____________(important position) in ______________ (obscure club), I have developed important leadership skills. I learned how to work well with ____________ (popular minority group), delegate _____________ (meaningless noun) and ____________ (meaningless item added to maintain rule of threes). I interned with __________________ (lowly non-profit/government agency with fancy title) last semester, and they told me that I had great ____________ (basic skill everyone possesses). I am also fluent in ____________ (extremely obscure foreign language no one will ever test you in), which came in handy. I am extremely interested in this position given my passion for __________ (do-gooder cause) and ____________ (normal administrative task). Given my ______________ (self-aggrandized skill), _____________ (self-aggrandized skill), and ________________ (synonym for other skill to continue rule of threes), I believe I am a strong candidate for ________________ (pretentious position). Thank you ___________ (superfluous modifier) much for your time and consideration. _____________(Magnanimous closer), _____________(Name of someone more qualified)


PAGE 4- P.S. 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

34

35

31 37

36

41

38

39

53

49

55

56

59 63

65

57

66

72

67

85

77

78

106

107

108

71 74

75

81

86

87

91 95

76

51

68

80

84

46

61

73

79

45

58

70

69

94

50

60

64

44

33

43

54

17

40

48

52

62

32

42

47

16

29

28

30

15

82

88

89

90

92 97

96

83

93

98

99

103

104

100

101

102

105

109

110

111

112

113

114

115

116

117

118

119

120

28. Family diagram 33. Current Hebrew month 34. Tater 35. Allocate, with “out” 36. Acid related to gout 38. Clue weapon 39. Half a matched set Across 40. Parenthetically (3 wds.) 1. Jerk 42. Desert sight 2. Hokkaido native 43. Small lizard 3. Weather-related 44. Rice dish: Var. 4. Can North and South Korea one day 45. Flared dress be ___ brothers? 46. Bucks 5. Fleabag 49. Large quantity 6. Edible tubers 51. Sitar accompaniment 7. Muscular power 54. Very, in music 8. State familiar to the Virgin Mary 55. Easily ripped off 9. Spanky, Alfalfa and gang 56. Thai money 10. Asian nannies 57. Cow, maybe 11. Frappes 58. Invalidate 12. Its motto is “Industry” 59. Scalawag 13. Pitching style 62. Opposite of avant 14. Two-seater 63. Sweet liqueur 15. Part of the small intestine 64. Come of age 16. Varnish resin 65. Of birth 17. He shared the 1933 Physics Nobel 66. Let fall with Schrödinger 67. Sailor 18. Islet 68. Like freshly-minted dollar bills 27. Quartz 73. Tap problems

Happy April Fools Day! Are you still reeling from the effects of your topsy-turvy day of mischief? Do this and be more confused!

74. Falling flakes 75. Actress Sharon 76. Pepsi rival 77. Columnists’ page (hyph.) 78. Embargoes 81. Walked unsteadily 83. Things within view 86. African flies 87. Tinier 88. Anti-U.S.S.R. weapon 89. Straights 90. Bypass 91. Spine line 94. Demolished, in Derby 95. Bring out 96. Library microfilm 97. Like most people 98. Not as good 100. Student getting one-on-one help 103. Creole vegetable 104. Spelling of “Beverly Hills 90210” 105. Crones 106. Jupiter’s Greek counterpart 107. Euros replaced them 108. Charlotte-to-Raleigh dir.

59. Get up 60. Rouse 61. Big ___ Theory 62. Instructions Part II 69. Bluenose 70. Biblical landing place of Noah’s Ark 71. Emanation 72. Those who reject 74. Needles 76. Corn holder 79. Arab leader 80. Protestant denom. 81. Innocence Proj. evidence 82. Not “Shop B” 84. One of a D.C. 100 85. “___ never happen!” 87. Gently persuasive (hyph.) 91. Church part 92. Wednesdayish 93. 1990 World Series champs 94. Decline 97. Prize 99. South American monkey 101. Mine entrance 102. Instructions Part III 109. Quite 110. Bagpipe sound 111. Big laugh 112. Auto wheel adjustment (hyph.) 113. Repeat 114. Clear, as a disk 115. Therefore, to Descartes 116. Accustom 117. 46 Across 118. More rational 119. Ph.D.’s work: Abbr. 120. To be, to Caesar

Down 1. Pouches 5. Campus military org. 9. Branch of biology 14. Headed for overtime 18. Pablo Neruda’s land 19. Advil target 20. Valuable violin 21. “___ want for Christmas ...” (2 wds.) 22. Prenatal test, for short 23. Old Chinese money 24. Type of bar Solutions to “Famous presidents & their tools” 25. At no time, poetically I S M E W O R T A B 26. Instructions Part I E L A M T O N A L J O K E R A M I R C U 29. Russian assembly L I F E U S 30. Banned fruit spray C O N C I S E N E S S P E A N U T P A T E N T L E A T H 31. Chutzpah R U M S O U S E F E R 32. In need of iron S T O R E 34. “Adult” literature A C C O M P A N I M E N T M E D A L C H O U D 37. One of the Ninja N E O N N A Z I S M C O C K A D O O D L E D Turtles U S E H E C K L E L E N T O V E 40. Hat edge E G A D H E R 41. Antiques from im- M E S S I N A T R U M A N I L A F O L D E R portant eras (2 wds.) R E C U R B A R F E D D Y I 43. Fitness centers I R A N M I A M I D O G T A G S 44. Faux ___ Y E S S 47. Ally of Carthage L A R G E I N T E S T I N E E S T A N T E E M I R S C U 48. Be nosy E E R I E T O A S T M I S T R E 49. Filming site S A R A N R O I L T I R O 50. Inclined C L A S S I F I E D A D S T R A U M 52. End of the yr. R U S T M E L D G E N T E E L N E 53. Fills A L E E P R E Y O N A I R A G A 56. Drunken orgy P A R R S E R E G Y P S E L feast 1

2

3

4

17

5

18

22

6

7

8

23

35

36

42

49

55

50

56

60

37

38

32

40

71

45

53

54

58

65

72

59

66

63

67

68

73

79

81

87

90

91

92

96

97

102

103

69

74

80

86

95

41

62

85

101

31

44

57

14

25

29

52

61

78

13 21

39

51

64

70

12

28

43

48

11

24

27

30

34

10

20

26

33

9

19

82

75

83

84

88

89

93

98

94

99

104

100

105

106

107

108

114

115

116

119

120

121

123

124

125

109

110

111

112

117

122

126

15

I

16

T

B

E

S

R

E

R

N

Y

46

T

47

S

O O L

D

D

S

76

77

N G

O

U

E

S

L

T

S

S

113

A

S

118

E

S

E

Friar’s Foolery

Medieval origins of April Fools Day

Hast thou ever desired knowledge of the upon the next ship to Persia for indefinite servitude. And what good huorigins of the April Day of Fools? The infamour did the monks possess! For it was all in the spirit of jest. mous day of trickery! Whence friars would Throughout the month of April, the friars would make amends to all of crawl down from their hilltop the peasants. The foolery of the monasteries and reign tomfoolery first of April was all but a test to upon those unfortunate enough determine who was pure of heart to have not paid their tithe to the and deserved eternal salvation. Holy Roman Church! ’Tis comWhenever the serfs would cry mon legend that the friars are a in revolt, the monks reminded: pious and humble folk, but alack! “’Twas the decree of Pope InWith what vigor they defy their nocent X that brought this pesnature and become jesters of tertilence upon ye!” Alas, how the ror! peasants were played like the It did begin one April, when strings of a lute. They were ignoall men’s souls were at rest. Berant of conspiracy! fore the morning cock did make ’Twas not until the Papal Conhis call, a dozen friars totaling clave of 1665 that it was undescended upon the village of the earthed that the friars did act seemingly innocent. And when of their own accord! Six feet of the peoples did awake from their earth did separate Pope Innoslumber of ignorance, oh, how cent X from his pontifical office! their town hath changed! Burn’d Thus, using the logic of Richard livestock did litter the ground! Ferrybridge, ’twas impossible Shyte-holes, previously covered, that His Holiness did make dewere unearthed—releasing odors crees from beyond the grave! In the likes of which Mephistophthe subsequent years during the eles himself could not endure! Reformation period, the April The tops of their homes were Day of Fools lost its ties to the Upon seeing this image, Martin Luther was inspired to write the 95 Theses. removed and, due to their poor Holy Church. construction, three good blows of the mouth did expose them to the eleIn the contemporary age, it is but common knaves that continue such ments! And if these atrocities were not enough, the Brotherhood did seize practices of trickery that the monks of yore first began! Alack! How the the town’s youth, ere their parents could act in opposition, placed them times hath changed!

BY MARCEL HAZLETT Possum Wrangler

S

P

April 5, 2012  

Spring 2012 Issue 5