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VOLUME VIII, ISSUE 4

TODAY’S WEATHER

Today: Cloud of smoke, speculation that today is, like, the only day. Tomorrow: Smoke clears, theory disproved.

The

Blowfish

HOUSING NEWS:

Seniors start Fantasy Housing Lottery League Page 1st Draft Pick

YOUTUBE NEWS: Tragic Misunderstanding When Brandeis Student Makes Angry Video About JAPs in the Library Page 191,144 Views

ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS: Dirty coal miner takes hot shower powered by natural gas. Page 7

PRESIDENTIAL NEWS: Daniel Acheampong refuses to attend toga party on Ides of March Page 23 Stab Wounds

THEATER NEWS:

Off-Campus Student Attempts to Buy Landlord Tickets to Rent Page $3 a month

JOKE OF THE WEEK:

Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:

Japan Jokes Off-Limits! Page 2 We Join Hillel! Page 3 Missed Connections! Page 3 Housing Algorithms! Page 4

University Mail Goes Viral

Inside This Issue

If this is the only part of this paper that makes sense to you, it is possible that you are holding it upside-down. Questions? Comments? Email us at blowfish@brandeis.edu!

March 24, 2011

WE COPIED THIS FROM THE NEWSPAPER SITTING NEXT TO US

Mailbox Fillings Now Preceded with Publicity Campaigns The mayhem of the Brandeis the collective groan from the campus could be heard from mail room is manifested in space. Staff Writer the multiplicity of messages The QRC isn’t the only organization looking to boost received each day by stuits campus profile through the heavily promoted mailings. dents. The volume has grown so large, in fact, that clubs Members of the Brandeis Tea Party recently scrawled are working to create more interest in their announce“Barack Obama is not a real American!!!” on buildings ments. all around campus to promote their mailed postcards, “Well obviously you aren’t going to get the kind of which said the same thing, also scrawled. Jim Radon, attention you want Chief Partier of the from your average Tea Party said that 3” X 5” piece of the group had to paper without some make the campaign extensive marketas unintelligent as ing beforehand,” possible so that chimed fast-talking “people will look at consumer research it and immediately expert Chad Ojay think ‘Tea Party.’” ’14. “You’re goLTS had someing to need at least what less success two weeks of solid in its campaign to indie marketing. gain new employThat means peoees. The technical ple dressed-up as support team hung things, mysterious motherboards up Facebook groups all around the Liand, if possible, full brary in an effort scale vandalism in to recruit people order to get people who knew what a interested. Then, motherboard was. The State Police’s “Fake Bomb Squad” had not seen action since the Aqua you want to make American Studies Teen Hunger Panic your end product as major Adam Arbor disappointingly average as possible. One of the easiest ’11, however, was not among this number and reported ways to get people to participate in anything is to make a bomb in the library. Campus SWAT teams evacuated them feel as though even the exciting aspects of their life the library and, for good measure, all the dormitories on are crushingly everyday.” campus before the mistake was noticed. Authorities are Club leaders have been taking Ojay’s (very expenblaming all the television kids watch these days. sive) advice. The LBGTQA group Triskelion created The new strategy is not all fun and bomb threats, fake Facebook people to create a Facebook group titled though. Carrie Anton ’13 crooned that “it has really taken “Who’s coming out?” with pictures of Fred Lawrence, all the fun out of checking my mail. Before, each time I David Hackett Fischer and (inexplicably) a Thanksgiving opened my mailbox, it was a moderate but nonetheless yam. They then sent the campus out to look for heterogratifying surprise. Now it is an ultimately anticlimactic normative gender roles. Approximately one minute later, culmination of a long campaign, which was only interwhen everyone had found one, they revealed who would esting because you were being deceived as to its actual be coming out: “You, to become one of the Queer Repurpose.” source Center staffers!” There has been speculation that Also, is anyone going to do something about dining?

BY DANIEL PIPES

Friday Bloody Friday The Memoirs of Rebecca Black

Inside sources have leaked a passage from Rebecca Later on, I took a gunner’s seat on my company’s swift Black’s new memoir. In this harrowing chapter, the singboat. When Charlies shoot through the reeds, we take off. er/songwriter reveals the events that inspired her new hit We’re cruising so fast I want time to fly. Before I can single, “Friday.” process what’s happening, a bullet hits our driver in the “Get up, soldier. It’s 7 skull producing a fine, a.m.” red mist. He’s hit, but Gotta have my bowl, he’s not dead. Writhgotta have cereal, gotta get ing on the ground, my A-16 assault rifle and he’s starts babbling rounds. But this is no time incoherently: “Wefor Cocoa Puffs. Just the we-we-we-we so exgun today, and hunger. cited, we so excited, Today’s a good day to funfunfunfun-” His die. completely meaningThey had me on body less words slowly die detail that day. Days like as his body becomes this happen all too often. lifeless. I’ve become completely Saturday night. immune to sights like It’s time to start givthis, rummaging through ing some back. I bloody corpses like a dog see flashes of light through a pile of chicken go off in the forbones. Once in a while, est. The tanks go by: though, something gets to fast lanes, switching me. Sorting through the lanes. Charlie pops If we ever get out of here alive, we’re going to go melting dog tags, I see up out of the bush. I into show business together. something I’m not preshoot him dead. The pared for, something I could never be prepared for. gunshots beat on my eardrums and I keep shooting. ParI see my friends. tying, partying, yeah. I can smell the ash floating off of their charred corpses. Partying, partying, yeah. If only I had been sitting in the front seat. If only I had Yesterday was Thursday. Today is Friday. Tomorrow is been in front of that caravan. I could have taken his place. Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards. The days blend I could have taken a bullet for my brother. From that day together in a haze of pain and wet blood. on, I never know which seat I should take. I don’t ever want this weekend to end.


PAGE 2- OPINION

Loose Lips Sink Ships

BlowScopes Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...

Aquarius: January 20 - You find out that it was not the Herpquake that gave you herpes, but rather unprotected sex.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - You will run into an important choice this week. When you collide with it, remember to cover your genitalia or else it/ they will be bruised. Aries: March 20 - April 20 - Eat more corn. It’s healthy for you. Really! Do it and you might actually get something out of it this week.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 What toppings you put on your Quiznos sandwich this week will influence the entirety of your life. If you don’t believe this, but do believe horoscopes, take a step back and look at yourself.

But So Do Tsunamis

We here at The Blowfish consider ourselves to be experts on the science of comedy. OK, maybe we’re not experts per se, but we certainly know how to tell a good joke. Or at least we know when a good one is told. I mean, at the very least you have to admit that we here at The Blowfish are really good at quoting “Arrested Development.” So, as an established figure in the field of humor, we feel as though we must express our concern about the recent trend of jokes about the tragedy in Japan. While we are supportive of anyone who wants to take a crack at being funny (Whaddup, Justice!), it is also our duty to admonish those who abuse this privilege. We’re kind of like The Comedian from “Watchmen,” except we’re not as complex and well-written. So when we saw that Gilbert Gottfried sent out a rapid-fire of 10 jokes about the tragedy on Twitter, we were a little shaken up. While we already consider most of Gottfried’s jokes to be vicious assaults on the field of comedy, the audacity of these “bits” really stood out for us. First of all, Gottfried made the mistake of writing these jokes on Twitter, a written medium that completely removes the effect of his Goddisproving. Does he really think that his sense of humor is fit for the written word? You don’t get many offers

for scriptwriting, Gilbert. In fact, you’re most famous for reading scripted lines as a corporate duck. So unless you start looping audio on your Twitter of it to remind us what you sound like, don’t put your jokes in print. The other “celebrity” who has come under fire recently for making a joke about the disastrous earthquake with a preliminary death toll of 5,300 is 50 Cent. When he’s not performing at Bat Mitzvahs of the moderately upper class, 50 Cent looks for ways both to objectify women, make money off of the stock market and mock horrific tragedies in 140-characters or less. Unfortunately, 50 Cent’s humor is as complex and dynamic as his rap lyrics, which is to say that it’s only tolerable if you’re one beer away from blacking out at a frat party. What we’re basically saying is this: If you want to take potshots at a group beset by suffering, first make sure that you either belong to said group or that said suffering is somehow hilarious. For example, if a molasses factory burst and 40 people died, and you happened to be the same ethnicity as the victims (Masshole), then make a joke about how parting is such sweet sorrow. Or how the workers met a sticky end. Or how slow and steady wins the race. Or you could just spare us.

“Unfortunately, 50 Cent’s humor is as complex and dynamic as his rap lyrics, which is to say that it’s only tolerable if you’re one beer away from blacking out at a frat party.”

Photo Poll:

What’s your favorite Pokemon and do we have free will?

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 This week, your cream of wheat will be replaced with cream of weak sauce.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 You will fall into one of the steaming manholes on campus and find yourself in a paradisian oasis! It sure is hot down there. Sizzzzle! Leo: July 23 - August 23 - You are still recovering from SEA’s “die in.” Just focus on that for now.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - Dance like nobody’s everybody is watching and you will quickly get over your paralyzing fear of public speaking. Libra: September 24 - October 23 - Read the message on the inside of your juicy refried bean burrito’s tortilla wrap, but be careful because if you eat the words you’ll get ink poisoning. And feel really nauseous. Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - The worst part of having hydrodentalplosion is that anyone you come close to, you infect. It’s also the best part

Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - Follow the woman with the orange hair and the fishing pole for a sweet surprise which you will only regret five years from now. Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 - Things aren’t always what they seem. But when you walk in on what seems to be a ritual sacrifice of one of your hallmates, you should probably call the police.

“Charmander, and it doesn’t matter; you’re all going to Hell.” -John Calvin

“Graveler, and international stability depends on people believing that they do..” -Hillary Clinton

“Voltorb … so it goes.” -Kurt Vonnegut

“Dugtrio, and I never really thought about it … no?” -Immanuel Kant

For Reading

Thank You

“Tentacruel, and organization can never be a substitute for initiative and judgement, so yes. ” -Louis Brandeis

“Pikachu, and Pikachu.” -Pikachu

Do You Think This is A Fucking Game?

Editors

Alex Norris Jesse Appell

Abbie Kagan Daniel Tassone

Staff

Yael Katzwer Ben Swartz (AWOL) Gordy Stillman Simon Cramer Elly Kalfus

Stacy Handler Paul Gale Audrey Stout Adam Garbacz

Sarah Azarchi

Kiernan Bagge

Contributors

YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

You’ve Got a Point. Come to the Blowfish Brainstorming meeting Tuesday March 29 at 8 pm in the BMC: Write, Edit, Photoshop, make Websites, or anything else you think is fun or funny!


NEWS- PAGE 3

Hillelrious Let Us Join Hillel

Love Blows The Blowfish Presents “Missed Connections”

In breaking news, The Blowfish is angling for membership in Hillel, after hearing from that guy in class who runs three clubs that it was the Whole Life Ahead of Her cool thing to do. “We know Hillel is really picky,” The Blowfish told The Blowfish in an exclusive interview, while watching the Celtics game on Tuesday night. “Well, actually, they more or less take everyone. But that works in our favor, right?” Earlier this month, Jewish Voice for Peace, a student group promoting the use of peace, love and obnoxiousness to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, was rejected from Hillel’s contemplative vat of brain-space for their stance on Israel. The Blowfish promises no such problem, as The Blowfish takes no positions … outside the bedroom, that is. “I can imagine it now,” The Blowfish told The Blowfish, its anthropomorphized eyes misting up in preemptive nostalgia when thinking about the future membership in Hillel could—nay, will!— bring. “Fast cars. Money falling from the ceiling. An endless supply of water balloons … filled with gold.” Gold, The Blowfish repeated, drooling a little, gold. The Blowfish reminded The Blowfish that it already meets the stringent requirements of maintaining a kosher diet. “The printing presses The Blowfish uses have never printed meat-related articles and dairy-related articles within six hours of each other,” The Blowfish claimed, “but some articles may contain traces of nuts. You know, because the machines use nuts, and even though they aren’t in our paper, you just can’t be sure that a little bit will dust over or something like that.” On an unrelated note, The Blowfish also said it could defeat the Hoot in a long-jump competition and The Justice in anything.“We’re not joining Hillel just because we can,” The Blowfish maintained after downing a shot of cheap whiskey poured into a bottle of more expensive whiskey. “We’re doing it because someone who wants to can’t.” The Blowfish then stood up, dunked a Nerf basketball into a tiny hoop on the wall, flexed and passed out from alcohol poisoning. A spokesperson for JVP offered no comment. Well, that’s obviously not true, but we don’t have space to print everything those guys say.

BY JACKIE STRAWS

No Strings Attached US Installs Puppet Government in Libya

After a series of air and missile strikes, the ousting of Libyan Dictator Moammar Gaddafi seems imminent and the International community is beginning to plan a transitional puppet government in Gaddafi’s absence. Several eligible puppets from “The Muppet Show” and “Sesame Street” are on the shortlist. In an interview with Obama, earlier this week, the president had much to say. “We are searching for a person of fine fiber, good material and machine washable. Also, the European Union and the United States expect no underhanded dealings between this new leader and other, unseen players.” Among the the runners was Yoda, but the advent of CGI technology removed him from the running. “A jack-ass George Lucas is. As a puppet better off I was,” commented the bitter Jedi Master. Attempts to interview Animal, another major contender, were met with incoherent growls and yells and the loss of several interns to the Muppets’ rage. The United States will be heavily scrutinized due to their mixed success with other puppet regimes. President of Afghanistan Kermit the Frog reportedly beat a government official who was late in getting his clothes from the dry cleaners. The official is reported to be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and a rug burn at the sight of the attack. A source close to the frog says he has been more irritable because his job is “not that easy.” Miss Pigathia Piggy, the on-again off-again love interest of President The Frog, is a front runner for Foreign Minister in the new Libyan republic. Miss Piggy is said to have close ties to Hilary Clinton, supporting her in her decision to stay with a man with no apparent interest in her. Governing team Bert and Ernie also plan to make a move to Libya. The two were recently expelled from Iran for “providing proof against President Ahmadinijad’s statements on the prevalence of homosexuality in Iran,” according to Iranian State News. The puppet population of Libya is received that they will be receiving the representation they have always craved. One member of this community, Mohammed al-Jouroob, made a short statement to the press from a hand in an undisclosed location yesterday afternoon: “We are glad to see that the United States is choosing a well-respected, zany cast of characters to govern Libya. We are tired of Americans associating the Arab puppet population with extremists like Ahmed the Dead Terrorist, who has truly become a caricature of himself.” Mr. Aloysius Snuffleupagus could not be reached for comment.

BY TIM TOMSON

Formerly Tom Timson

Dear cute girl from Spanish class, Hey, so we’ve had Spanish class together for the last two semesters but have never exchanged more than a few words, most of which were in broken Spanish. I’ve always admired your positive attitude for so early in the morning and your keen fashion sense. You’re also pretty good at Spanish, which is also quite appealing or, should I say, caliente. ¿Tienes un novio? Si no—llámame! Dear awkward guy with curly hair and glasses in Jewish Fella A Capella, I think that you’re simply wonderful. I go to a lot of JFA performances, some might even say that I’m JFA’s biggest fan. How would you feel about coming to my family’s Passover seder this year in Brooklyn? Dear girl who lives on Deroy 2, We were in the same AIDE group ... Dear guy in red shirt who was at the Ziv 128 party last weekend, Our eyes only met briefly but it was the most significant moment of my life. I want to marry you. Dear girl passing around the JVP petition, I want to be officially endorsed by you in a hookup. I already asked you, but you said no. A little hypocritical, don’t you think? Dear guy in my chem lab, You are a sex machine. Watching you clean your beaker always gets my Bunsen burning. I just want you to know you can c-clamp me any day. I’m even up for a little covalent bondage ... Dear girl who lives on Cable 2, I don’t know if you ever notice me, but I’ve been into you for some time. I get a pretty good look at you at night through your window from outside, and I’m just crazy about you. I’m having a hard time asking you out, though, because I think you accidentally filed a restraining order against me. You should look into that so I can keep looking at you. Dear guy on The Blowfish staff, You are so cool and smart and funny. I totally want to date you and have sex with you all the time. Also, I’m completely real and not just in your head, unlike the other girls.

We R Who We NPR

NPR Jazzes up Membership Drive In Wake of Federal Funding Crisis fun way to spice up her sex life in the bedroom. Keillor responded, “In Lake Wobegon, there was once a Lutheran As you may know, National Public married to an Episcopalian and, whenRadio (NPR), a major figure in the lives ever the Lutheran was in the mood for of a broad coalition of baby boomers, intercourse, he’d nail a list of 95 sexprecocious hipster teens, college proual positions he wanted to try with his fessors and pretty much anyone with partner on the door of the house. Now, a Prius, is in danger of losing federal the Episcopalian took a look at this list funding after the budget bill recently and said ‘I Anglican’t do any of these passed in the House following a comthings!’ What ever happened to the pletely partisan vote. As NPR gets more simple missionary position to facilitate and more desperate, they have decided reproduction?” to really kick up their fundraising to a Ira Glass of “This American Life” whole new level of vociferousness (yesfame will auction off his iconic, overterday’s “Word of the Day!”). This isn’t sized glasses in addition to personal your grandmother’s membership drive. driving lessons. According to TAL conTo this end, The Blowfish has procured tributor Sarah Vowell, Glass is a very a secret upcoming fundraising schedule good teacher who helps you confront featuring America’s favorite NPR peryour fears by offering you insightful, sonalities. inspirational stories that make you feel Diane Reemes is working with Bark like you’re not alone. This way when Music Company on a YouTube video This isn’t the show, this is just what Garrison Keillor does with his time off. you get yourself into a head-on collision that they hope will go viral. In the video with an Escalade, you’ll see the beautiReemes will team up her oldie but goody gal pals and cruise around in a 1970 ful irony of the whole situation and understand that the whole ordeal is really just yellow Ford Pinto while singing “Party in the USA” and gettin’ her groove on. a metaphor about the greater human condition. During her drive, she will spot Karl Casell, a beefy older gentlemen, whom she Lastly, NPR would like to remind listeners that if you enjoy any of these services catches eyeing her sweet digs. While he looks old, she discovers that he is actuyou should throw them a dollar or two. Remember, if every person who scored ally young at heart after he makes a series of cultural references based on the because of Keillor’s sex advice or learned how to drive a stick with Ira babbling week’s news. He’s too shy to ask her out in person, but by the end of the video in their ear, NPR would have nearly enough money to cover the costs of Clik and we see that he has left a charming message on her home answering machine! Clak’s weekly shipment of lube and lug nuts. Once NPR raises enough money they NPR would also like to attract a younger audience by starting a sex advice plan to buy back Juan Williams from the Fox News pirates who have been holding show featuring Garrison Keillor. Listeners will call in and describe their sexual him captive for months. problems and Keillor will respond in a thoughtful, folksy manner with lots of personal anecdotes from his beloved Lake Wobegon. One caller asked for a

BY DONUT-HOLE JACKSON Has a Fairy Godmother


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Giving Back We Make a Donation of Crossword Clues to These Organizations Across 1. “Hamlet” has five 5. Stinging insect 10. Commotion 14. In conflict with, with “of” 19. Corner piece 20. Arm 21. Assistant 22. Approval 23. Wino 24. Pacific island nation 25. High-hatter 26. Prepare, as tea 27. Group that caters to both genders 31. Blows it 32. Band’s helper 33. Song for two 34. Put one’s foot down 36. Footnote word 37. Blow off steam 38. And others, for short 39. “Act your ___!” 42. W.W. I soldier 45. Keats, for one 46. Bones linking the scapula and sternum 48. Amscrayed 49. Experts who study

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50. “The Brady Bunch” housekeeper 51. Baltic capital 52. À la mode 58. Tarnish 59. U-turn from WSW 60. Violin bow application 62. Mysterious 63. Closer 64. Nursery fixtures 65. The “A” in A.D. 66. Delhi wrap 67. Dog-___ 68. Crossbeam 69. Oman’s neighbor 74. Get-up-and-go 75. Level, in London 76. Aroma 77. Southern thicket 78. Confession 79. Beanies 80. Signs like “@” 83. Kind of duty 84. Water sprite 85. Fixin’ to 90. Ohio’s state insect 93. Vaporize 94. Esoteric 95. Baby bottle 96. It may be organized 97. “Don’t get any funny ___!” 99. France’s longest river 100. “Come in!” 101. Bother 102. “Don’t bet ___!” (2 wds.) 103. Impulse 105. Benzene derivative 106. African antelope 107. Auditory 108. Line of stitches 110. Cushion Solutions to “A Woman of Her Words”

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telepathy 53. Alias 54. Calculus calculation 55. Brewer’s need 56. Got up 57. Mother Teresa, for one 58. Archaeological site 59. Cork’s country 60. Basic education, familiarly 61. Organization that hosts Relay for Life 70. “It’s no ___!” 71. Coastal raptor 72. ___ Wednesday 73. “___ we having fun yet?” 74. Rodeo ride 77. Brother of Abel 78. Mites 81. Battering device 82. Determining age of organic material (2 wds.) 86. Adam and ___ 87. Lengths of the same magnitude 88. Little devils 89. Ancient 91. “___ the fields we go” 92. Not under 93. x, y or z 94. “___ and the King of

Siam” 96. Baby holder 97. Wading bird 98. Crosspiece of a ladder 101. Two squared 104. Charity which provides underpriviliged children with essentials (3 wds.) 109. Tear open 111. Length times width, for a rectangle 112. Bits 113. Angler’s hope 114. Fraternity letter 115. Currency, in Myanmar 116. Express 117. Fertilizer compound 118. Charger 119. “... or ___!” 120. More upscale 121. Disease cause Down 1. Kuwaiti, e.g. 2. Hue 3. ___ Rose 4. Wind catcher which hangs above the royals 5. ___ the Pooh 6. Wreath for the head 7. Wallop 8. “Frasier” actress Gilpin 9. Best built 10. Disrespects 11. Add color to 12. “American ___” 13. Debate features 14. Dolt 15. In the cards 16. Open hearing, in law 17. ___-friendly 18. Cuts off 28. Make sense (2 wds.) 29. Hot-blooded 30. “Fantastic!” 35. Member of a ruling clique 37. Arizona Indian 38. Runaway bride 39. “Not to mention ...” 40. Catches on 41. “___ quam videri” (North Carolina’s motto) 42. Yoga gear line 43. Caulking material 44. Absurd 45. “The Office” receptionist 46. Task 47. Wispy clouds

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A B A T V E E I S N T E F A R D E S T S H E I F N T D I R E I S T

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T R M U E E N

The Awful Housing Truth You Deserve Your Crappy Housing, So Deal With It

The DCL, Dudes with Crazy aLgorithms, more comBY SCOUT TRADSKIN Tried to Stop the Beat, Failed monly known by their alias Department of Community Living, has been publicizing false information concerning their “random” assignment of lottery numbers for room selection. This long-believed conspiracy of arbitrary distribution of lottery numbers has gone on for far too long, and it is finally time to expose the shocking truth behind the lies. The Blowfish had one of its own, Ivanner Idgewud, go behind the scenes and apply for a job at DCL for the sheer purpose of learning the method behind their madness. After many long hours sitting at a desk answering phone calls from angry parents inquiring why their children have to live in dorms without air conditioning, sufficient closet space or a sous chef, Ivanner stumbled upon a confidential file containing a complex mathematical formula. Analysis of the formula (and many numbers entered into a calculator) produced the truth: DCL uses a complex formula to determine the lottery number that each earns. No, blowing your CA in the laundry room while waiting for your towels to dry doesn’t count as “earns,” you dirty slut. What are the variables in such a formula, you may ask? DCL uses a complex mathematical algorithm that factors in your potential for a successful career, life expectancy and number of times you will unknowingly drink urine. But most importantly, your social status. Let’s face it: nobody wants to pre-game in a Ridgewood filled with

losers. I mean, it would be a real waste of valuable space to give nice rooms to people who won’t ever have a friend visit and see it. Don’t got a friend? Get a grad and trim your knuckle hair because DCL has proven statistically that you are just way too fucking gross to live on campus. Ever wonder why every fraternity and sorority ends up with at least five suites around campus, reppin’ their Greekiness? Do they really have that many members? Uh no? But of course, we at The Blowfish don’t want to hate on DCL for giving them all good numbers, because how can we judge good math? If DCL’s Dumbass Classicistic Logarithm determined that students would rather party in a Greek-affiliated housing arrangement, they are clearly more worthy. Is there a cure for such an unjustified process or a way to right this? Not at all. The only hope students have is to try desperately to increase their social standing from sophomore to junior year, in the hopes that the DCL will recognize that the more Facebook pictures they’re tagged in/more Facebook invitations they get/more active scrabble games they have on Facebook must signify a rise in social standing and thus possibly translate to a better lottery number. Now, the biggest question of the semester comes down to this: was your lottery number better than your SAT score? If you scored a perfect 2400, The Blowfish sincerely hopes that you did not get a higher number.

“Get a grad and trim your knuckle hair because DCL has proven statistically that you are just way too fucking gross to live on campus”

March 24, 2011  

Spring 2011, Issue 4

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