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VOLUME XI, ISSUE 4

TODAY’S WEATHER Today: Cloudy with a chance of vegan meatballs Tomorrow: Still hungry

Inside This Issue STUDENT EVENTS NEWS: Students flaunt existential crises for Louie Louie CK week Pg. 3 seasons

WEATHER NEWS: Hurricane Sandy causes $38,550,203 in incalculable damage Pg. 5 calculators destroyed

ELECTION NEWS: Confused Poli Sci student asks, “Who the hell is Jerry Mander?” Pg. 14 absences

BODY NEWS: Students arrested after public celebration of “Make Love To Your Body Day”

The

Blowfish

WORKOUT NEWS: Paul Ryan releases new workout video, “Don’t Treadmill On Me” Pg. 50 pounds shed

JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: What has two legs but can’t walk? A: A pair of pants NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: The content in this issue was voted on democratically, so you might not be satisfied.

Like us on Facebook! Facebook.com/BDeisBlowfish

Despicable Students! Page 2 Obama Endorsement! Page 3 Fratty Clubs! Page 3 Jill Stein Ballad! Page 4

Big Pulse, Big Polls

The RNC implements a new policy to separate the strong from the weak

The 2012 election has Committee also said officials need not worry about power proven to be very con- surges, since “Brandeis has experienced a huge increase in tentious. With Demo- class size this year, but we’ve still been doing fine.” crats attempting to let just anyone- including people who The Committee also suggested that the Republicans have no right to vote -vote, Republicans have had to step follow their lead as to the login process. “All Americans up their game in many states, advocating for tighter voter who want to vote should need to say they forgot their passID regulations in order to restrict widespread voter fraud. words. Then they need to enter their e-mail addresses, wait However, despite Republicans’ attempts to enact safer for an e-mail to be sent to them, and then follow a link to legislation -- protecting American voters from other, less log in.” Another tip the Elections Committee had to offer worthy American was to leave some voters -- widespread dead links scatvoting took place at tered around the the hands of many site. “If you make more “politically it too easy, voters suspicious” people, won’t really value i.e. Latinos and sinthe privilege of gle women, in the voting,” it cau2012 election. As a tioned. “It’s betresult, Republican ter to make them election officials think they can from various states click on certain have decided to races and then employ an innovaredirect them tive voting system to a page where in 2013, one which they have to log they hear has been in again.” By exa proven success: tending the time it bigpulse.com. In ortakes to vote, the der to make sure the Committee went voting software is in on to explain, place for next year’s voters who don’t election, Republireally care about “All this work just so I can abstain my vote...” can officials reached the election will out to the Brandeis Student Union Elections Committee to be weeded out, reducing voter turnout but resulting in a net ask for suggestions on how to run an election, an opportu- benefit since “people who prefer delayed gratification are nity the Committee eagerly responded to. the ones whose votes really matter.” “The first rule is- voting should be conducted exclusiveEmbracing these policies, Republican officials have ly online. If it’s online, everyone has access to it,” offered already contacted bigpulse in order to set up next year’s a representative of the Brandeis Committee, who asked voting system. They say they are “confident that the elecnot to be named. Addressing concerns that not all Ameri- tion will turn out the right way next time,” citing the most cans have access to internet, the Brandeis representative useful piece of advice the Brandeis Committee gave them: said “Goldfarb is open from 8:30 a.m. to 2 a.m. Monday eliminate the position of off-campus senator. through Thursday, so people can always go there.” The

BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer

Jonesin’ For Knowledge

Disney casts a beloved franchise through a more realistic lens

In wake of the Walt Disney well we forgot too! We think it’s time to address his Company’s purchase of Lureal career.” In the previous films, our hero travelled casfilm Ltd. last week, fans to remote parts of the world on wild adventures seekacross the country, young and old, socially functional and ing supernatural treasures, all the while shirking his otherwise, are both irrepressibly enthusiastic and underresponsibilities as a college professor. “Just imagine standably panicked about the Star Wars franchise’s future. all the office hours he’s going to have to make up!” However, little fonoted Iger. “And cus has been given don’t even think to George Lucas’s about all those other lasting franmidterms he’ll chise, Indiana have to grade...” Jones. MoviegoThe first of the ers were certainly upcoming Indiana shocked by the arJones sequels alchaeologist’s sci-fi ready has a tentaadventure Indiana tive title, Indiana Jones and the KingJones and the dom of the Crystal Perpetually ReSkull, so Disney exsentful Substitute, ecs thought it only where tensions made sense to see are raised between what other genre our hero and his they could destroy. ridiculously paThe Blowfish talked tient substitute with Disney CEO teacher. Here are Bob Iger about the some other issues company’s plans that Indy is exwith our friend pected to face: Indy. “We’re very ex• Addresscited to bring Indiing the student Finals are tough for this Grader of the Last Mark ana Jones back to union to regain the big screen. After 23 – sorry - 4 years, it’s about time grants that were dropped during his absence. that this timeless film icon is brought back.” One ques• Facing criticism for providing his personal, albeit tion during the filming process was whether Harrison Ford arguably inaccurate, accounts of historic events. would be able to go on such dangerous adventures at 70 • Learning about discipline tactics other than “bruyears of age. “We’ve talked to Harrison and he’s definitely tal whippings”. in,” Iger claims. “We were concerned about his physical • Taking a leave of absence after accusations of exconditions, but we’ve managed to work the new stories treme bias against foreign German students. around that.” In this Blowfish exclusive, Iger revealed some planned We contacted George Lucas for any comments on the plot details for the upcoming Indiana Jones films. “Repurchase of his company, but he just sent us a photo of member how Indy was an archaeology professor? Yeah, himself looking very apathetic.

BY HANSEL FRICKLE

Pg. 3 stroke policy

November 8, 2012

STOP US IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS BEFORE...

Never thought of it that way


PAGE 2- OPINION

Hoot Do You Think You Are?!?

BlowScopes

As an official university newspaper, we like to address important university affairs, like poking fun at President Lawrence, mining the annals of Jewish comedy, and making jokes about certain male genitalia. However, we can’t help but feel terribly irritated by the irksome behavior of undergraduate Timmy Lunn, Class of 2016. We have suppressed our bothered opinions long enough and this meddlesome student must be addressed. As a freshman, Lunn has few major responsibilities: make friends, go to class, complete assignments, and simply leave the rest of the community undisturbed. Mr. Lunn certainly failed in his last responsibility. Honestly, we can’t stand him. Last week in Gen Chem, like, two minutes into lecture, in strolls Old Timmy, in sweatpants no less, and just plops down to take notes, all the while chewing gum. I mean honestly, it was a Wednesday. What reason do you have to be late, in the middle of the week? In addition, he’s always wearing this dumb “Bro” hat that barely rests on his head at such a ridiculous angle! Every time we look at him, we suddenly think his hat’s about to fall off but it never does. And to make things worse, Timmy participates in class only to announce his agreement with the professor. Really annoying. And honestly, what a really unprofessional student. And while we’re at it, Timmy isn’t the only student we’re upset with. Sally Dungle, also a freshman, is just really annoying. We followed her around campus while looking for some material, and she truly disrupts the Brandeis community in unforgivable ways. She studies at Farber, like a good student, but clearly does not have proper study etiquette. She had her headphones on, evidently listening to dubstep while studying, and gently tapping her foot on the floor to some disgusting beat. How can any student study efficiently while listening to dubstep? And what’s worse, she ate really crunchy chips, which definitely disrupted the work ethic of other students within her area of the library. Similar vexing manners were likely shown throughout the day, but we lost track of her after she looked back and slowly started to run away. The conduct of these students is simply intolerable. Brandeis students, especially freshmen, are always charismatic, energetic, and socially aware. Timmy and Sally are an embarrassment to this university and they disgrace all Brandeis students. To any students who may identify with their unprofessional conduct, we urge you to be mindful of your actions before we are forced to embarrass you in our new weekly column, “Brandeis Abominations”.

Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - Don’t always assume you’ll outlive your phone battery.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - You can bring a horse to water, but he’s an alcoholic.

Aries: March 20 - April 20 You might get a penny for your thoughts, but after that Mom’s cutting you off.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 You’ll ripen with age, just like that moldy peach in the back of the fridge.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 Still waiting in line to vote? Go home. It’s over.

Photo Poll:

What was your reaction to Obama’s re-election?

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 Next week’s Quinceañera and Bar Mitzvah are only distractions from your inevitable mortality. “Looks like it’s time for my first beer.” -Mitt Romney

Leo: July 23 - August 23 - It’s always a good idea to have a concession speech in your back pocket, just in case.

“NO! NO! NO! I’m President!!!” - Fred Lawrence

“I get to live!” -Bo the Dog

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - Next time you’re in a pickle, just eat your way out

Libra: September 24 - October 23 - You can watch Disney moves all you want, you’ll never get back your childhood.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - Spring forward, fall back, find treatment for vertigo.

Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - If you forgot your yearbook appointment, don’t sweat it, you’ll probably be forgotten anyway.

Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - Sure you might get an encore, but CPR fails half the time.

“No spoilers! We’re still voting” - Alaska

“Ugh, more vegetables...” -Cookie Monster

For Reading

Thank You

“Now I’ll neiiighver get to live in the White House!” - Rafalca, Romney’s Horse

LOOKING FOR A FOUR YEAR COMMITMENT?

Editors

Michael Chernin

Daniel Tassone

Nate Ennis Gordy Stillman Lisa Galperin Alisa Feinswog Alexandra Barr

Elly Kalfus Audrey Stout Alison White Noah Coolidge

Emily Breitbert

Rachel Hirschhaut

Staff

Contributors

YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

Neither are we! we’re looking for people with comedy chops, photoshop skills, or layout experience. EMAIL US AT BLOWMYFISH@GMAIL.COM FOR OUR MEETING SCHEDULE!


NEWS- PAGE 3

Rules Are Rules: Why We Endorse Obama

Being invested in the political sphere, The Blowfish takes it upon itself every four years to endorse the presidential candidate who it believes would best serve the country. The Blowfish takes the position that we, as a country, need a strong leader- someone who will make tough decisions. These decisions, The Blowfish believes, should be made not only on the domestic level, but on the international level as well. This country needs a leader who will control the army, navy, and also the air force. That leader is a President. According to the Electoral College, that president is Barack Obama. Given careful analysis of a variety of political, social, and economic factors, The Blowfish has endorsed Barack Obama for President. The country, as we have determined by watching the polls, wants Barack Obama as its president. According to the Constitution, Barack Obama could either have been reelected or voted out of office. The Blowfish, understanding that such a leader should have the ability to conduct foreign affairs, sign executive orders, and live in the White House (previously lived in by other important leaders), The Blowfish takes the position that the President, in this case Barack Obama, would be the best person for this multifaceted job. In the interest of journalistic integrity, The Blowfish feels motivated to justify to its readers why Mitt Romney did not receive the endorsement of this publication. First off, Mitt Romney did not win the 2012 Presidential Election. This means he is ineligible to lead the country as President of the United States. Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, Romney received less than 270 electoral votes, which as the Constitution delineates, is the minimum number of votes a man must receive to become President. Lastly, his Mormonism, a factor which seems to have been largely ignored by this country, contradicts with the divine right of this Christian nation to prosper under Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. After a brutal election season marred with smear tactics, lies, incessant ads and desperate emails, The Blowfish has come to the conclusion that Barack Obama won the election. Staying true to our convictions, that this nation needs a president rather than having no president, we hereby endorse Barack Obama for the 44th President of the United States of America.

Frat the Cusp of Greek Life With the recent revival of Alpha Epsilon Phi, it’s clear that students are in need of a reason to exchange their freedom for the approval of testosterone-charged alpha-males. But we’ve gotta wonder, does the campus really need another frat when there are so many other in-groups to choose from? For those interested, we offer these 10 clubs that are frattier than the frats. 1. Tron- These friz kidz are notorious for their time-honored fraternal traditions. Whether you’re looking for a beer-charged naming ceremony or a group that truly appreciates your Ray-Ban collection, you can find it in Tron. And when their disks aren’t high, they probably are. We’re talking about marijuana. 2. Chabad- This is a rowdy bunch of Jews. The regulars at Chabad know that Shabbat means it’s time to paaaaarty. They eat, drink and celebrate tradition. To be honest, the only reason they’re not number one on our list is because they accept everyone. 3. Midyears- Midyears live life with full swag. They start their freshman year out in some exotic place working on their tan and show up looking like all they do is GTL. Next, they move into their guaranteed pad in the village, the hottest crib in all of Brandeis. Then they top it all off with shirts that casually ask: “School started in August?” Such cool bros. 4. Starving Artist- Don’t be phased by their G-rated activities: these guys are always getting into treble. Singing may seem like its an activity for the shower and choir boys around Christmas time, but this group brings it to a whole new level. They also drink a lot: water is very important before a performance as it clears the throat. 5. The Justice- Everyone knows a good Frat will give its members access to an elite network of powerful figures. In this regard, The Justice is king. Where else can you casually hob nob with Andrew Flagel without the hassle of bribing his secretary with fine Italian leather? 6. Voice Male- Another a’capella group. This group may be all male, but that doesn’t mean the ladies are out of luck. If you’re lucky, this group of strapping young lads promise to make any of their groupies “sing”. Alternatively, they’ll be happy to “mail” you a “big package”. Pick your innuendo. 7. Brandeis Reconstructionist Organization (BRO)- If you’re looking for a group of bros, this is the place to go. Literally. Sure these guys aren’t sticklers for tradition, but in the end it’s all about community. 8. Crew Team- The hazing for this mock-frat is borderline torture. They require all members to wake up at 4:30am daily. Also, physical torture in the form of stair climbs and endless laps is common for all members. They claim to have this “practice” to get their members into fit, physical shape, but it’s clearly a front for their hazing. 9. Greek Awareness Club- These guys were wearing togas before John Belushi was born. In fact, they wore togas before most people were born. They’ve been around a while. 10. Go Club- They may not look like your typical “frat bros” but if you “wanna go,” this club meets on Wednesdays from 7-9 in Upper Usdan. Be warned, they won’t be down to “take this outside.” But they are always ready to go, and are down for a good time no matter what time of day (as long as it’s from 7-9.)

Unfriend Lawrence

In the midst of Hurricane Sandy, President Lawrence’s Facebook page got a lot of attention from concerned students. While our President handled the public with grace and dignity, students were more interested in a Youtube-style debate. We present one of these exchanges for your consideration below:


PAGE 4- P.S. 113. Type of relationship referred to in the social sciences 117. Pertaining to leaves 118. Moviemaker 119. Paternally related 120. Allow 121. “Blazing ___” 122. Fit together

Elections Turn Us Into Monsters This crossword commemorates the two biggest events that happen in October- elections and Halloween.

Across 1. Hollow part of a bird 7. One who leads a Spartan lifestyle 14. “-ly” word 20. Summer beverage 21. Winegrower’s estate 22. The color of granite 23. Leave 24. Live small or die state? 26. Sailed 28. Circuit 29. Hand-woven rug from Sweden 30. 30-day mo. 33. “My man!” 34. Em followers 35. Conduct 39. Old-time entertainer 43. Valuable fur, of a weasel 44. Plunder 45. Tools for curling your hair 49. ___ de Janeiro, Brazil 50. Checked out 51. Opera singer Lily ___ 52. Impede the flow of traffic

57. Grand Canyon material 60. Ecological units 61. Checkers, e.g. 62. Suffix meaning “followers” 63. Type of thermometer 64. Casual comment 66. Brainless Brandeis state? 72. Billionaire corporate investor Carl 73. Puts into law 74. Party pooper 75. Triangle side 76. Fish hawk 77. Ancient Lebanon 82. Parodied 85. Brandy flavor 86. Keg tap 87. “Aladdin” prince 88. Pokes fun at 90. Punish with an arbitrary penalty 92. Helium and neon, e.g. 95. Member of spiritual movement which originated in Jamaica 97. Put an elastic band on 99. Take the odds 100. “___ Dalloway” 101. “Lord of the Ring’s” tree 102. A pint, maybe 103. Iranian money 105. Suffix to the 108. Keys state with hit man?

An Up-Jill Battle It’s not easy to keep your spirits up while campaigning for a Green Party candidate. You know your loss is inevitable, but for some strange reason you feel the need to fight the good fight. While we’re not quite sure where this tenacity comes from, dog-gonnit we respect your ability to ignore all rational thought. So please, enjoy this battle song in support of Jill Stein. [To the tune of “Like A Virgin”] I made it through the debates Somehow I made it through Didn’t know how lost I was Until I found you I was beat incomplete I was sad, no more red white blue But you made me want Yeah, you made me want To elect youuu CHORUS: Like a virgin Voting for the very first time Like a virgin When I’m voting For Jill Stein

Down 1. Word after financial or first 2. Frozen water 3. Weight training unit 4. Use a dagger 5. Bacteria that need oxygen 6. Common cold’s cousin 7. Teen’s bane 8. Abandon 9. Aviary sound 10. C2H5OH 11. League members 12. Foot 13. Baby with a bow 14. ___ Wednesday 15. 551, to Ovid 16. Crossword-clue abbr. 17. Forever, poetically 18. Trust 19. Overwhelmingly 25. Flower supporter 27. Blouse, e.g. 30. Jacques’ “after” 31. Ladies’ man, slangily 32. Deep black 34. Big pictures, abbr. 36. Earth deposits 37. Ontario neighbor 38. Above 40. Near Eastern Judaic Studies minor 41. “Pumping ___” 42. Popular steak sauce 46. Decrees 47. Genealogy 48. Poison plant 51. Most swanky 53. Dwell on 54. Gulf V.I.P. 55. Second chance 56. Was familiar with 58. Comedian Laurel 59. Old-time gumshoe 60. Archie’s blonde girlfriend 63. Retreat, like a hairline 64. Long, long time 65. Wood-marking tool 66. Jazz musician Jackson 67. Excellent server

68. Chronicle 69. Remove, as a brooch 70. Eastern wrap 71. 1973 Supreme Court decision name 76. Basket willow 77. Whizzes 78. “And ___ thou slain the Jabberwock?” 79. 1911 Chemistry Nobelist 80. From early Peru 81. Bond, for one 83. Gigantic 84. “... or ___!” 85. Street map 89. Adorned 90. From Niger or Nigeria 91. Backrub 92. Four quarts 93. Pupil surrounder 94. “Buona ___” (Italian greeting) 96. Increase, with “up” 97. Blooper 98. Records 99. Tasteless 104. ___ Minor 105. Get to one’s feet 106. Aardvark fare 107. Casks 109. Adam’s donation 110. Suffix with tutor 111. Rap’s Dr. 112. “Do the Right Thing” pizzeria owner 114. Didn’t straphang 115. Lunched, say 116. Took by hand

Solution to “Holidays Reborn” G L O B E

A I K E N

B E R G S

A R P D O H S T E C A S S L A L E N O A T E L S

S I L O

A T M A N

L U M P S

S S N C A F O R U R E G E A C S H A M D E O O T P B A T I L E S M E C O C O T A R T U N O S E E T

E P I C I R A M O N L O U T

T A L A

C R I N G G E E L O D R I G N Y G E I M N I N T

L L O A B G E

O G L E

H S E C A A D Y D E M R C O A B M I I F T R E O U R D O N S U O T S T E R S E A O K F A Y E R Z I

T O G A U R N S H O E R I R O N I C

E M C D A A G R A V N I Y S T A N T E R O A D D Y F N I T S U N E A D D D L E D P I P P Y N I L E G N E D D O R E G G O L E L L S E S

Gonna give you my vote, girl My fear is fading fast Been saving this ballot for you So democracy can last You’re so green and serene Make me hope, yeah you make me try Oh your campaign thawed out Yeah, your campaign thawed out What was ready to cry [Repeat Chorus] Oooh, oooh, oooh You’re so green and serene Ill be yours till the end of time Cause you made me feel Yeah, you made me feel That Jill Stein pride! [Repeat Chorus] Like a virgin, ooh, ooh Like a virgin Feels so good inside When I’m voting, and your name’s there, and You love me Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ooh, baby Cant you hear me voting For the very first time?

How’d you like her to hug YOUR tree?

E N A C T

L I T H E

E M E E R

B A S S

A L M A A T A

F A R M Y A R D S

A M O I

R E D S

P S Y C H

A D O R E

N A R E S

T R Y I E O W T Y K E S

Volume XI, Issue 4  

November 8, 2012

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