VOLUME XI, ISSUE 3
TODAY’S WEATHER Today: Let the rain fall down Tomorrow: Reflect on washed up career
Scott Brown asked about ruthless, repetitive campaign: “I’m doing asbestos I can!” Pg. 20 days
FRIEND NEWS: Students suspect Undecided Voter friend just doing it for attention Pg. 2 candidates??!?
RUSSIA NEWS: Russian-Cat President Purrton condemns pussy riot Pg. 3 arrested
HERO NEWS: Shabbat services capture Jewish blue Power Ranger before Saturday brawl with Lord Zedd Pg. 24 hours
ACADEMY NEWS: Seth Macfarlane promises to make Oscars so memorable, he can reference them in cartoons for eternity Pg. 190 episodes
JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public? A: A private tutor! NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: We are rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off us and you have to pick it up.
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Flu Update! Page 2 Medieval Politics! Page 3 Obama Strategizes! Page 3 Apple Apologizes! Page 4
Jehudorm Of Your Dreams
Inside This Issue POLITICAL NEWS:
October 18, 2012
A former president adds his personal touch to familiar housing
Campus experi- Many students were surprised to hear that the building enced a fit of nostalgia was chosen to honor Reinharz, and some were asked why this past week with they weren’t consulted in the decision. Dean Gilbert adthe news that Ridgewood A would be named after former mitted, “We definitely planned on getting student input, I University President Jehuda Reinharz. “He’s like a donor swear. We even set up a bunch of meetings! But you know, satellite. People see the words ‘Reinharz on campus’ and schedules pile up, things get pushed back. It’s hard to get they can’t help but a meeting with throw money at Reinharz... I mean us! We tried tellabout Reinharz. ing them that it The building. was a building, So we just went but people didn’t ahead and named care. It’s hard the building after to break habits him because, lets sometimes.” face it, we were During Fall Fest, gonna do it either parents could be way.” heard embracing When asked the newly chrishow the name tened building. “I change affected just love this Reher living situainharz building, tion, Jessica Hertz son! It’s so tall and ‘15 said “I think sturdy, I feel comI’m gonna be a lot pletely comfortmore careful with able leaving you what I hang up on in its walls,” prothe walls. Apparclaimed one stuently it’s all propdent’s father. His erty of Brandeis mother swooned, as soon as it goes “My goodness up... is that new? this is a handsome I’m pretty sure “I like ‘The Complete Works of Jehuda Reinharz’ just fine, but I could really building. I could they sold a set use some textbooks. just look at it for of tapestries my days! I mean, of course I’m happy at the house with your grandma gave me. But at least someone replaced it with father, but it would definitely be hard to turn down a night this nice Israeli flag.” here...” When asked if he hoped a building would also be named “Is the AC broken? It’s kind of cold in here,” noted in his honor, President Fred Lawrence said, “Oh, gee, I Henry Geltzer ‘14. “And it’s strange... the walls must be could never ask for such a grand gesture. I just want the pretty thick, because my radio isn’t picking up NPR at all. love and respect of you, my peers.” Just in case a residence I used to always listen to the world news report in Village hall was named after him, President Lawrence promised B, but I can never get a signal in Reinharz. And is it really he would write up 1,000 handwritten, personalized “Welnecessary to have special parking for Vespas?” come” notes for each of the rooms.
BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer
The debate committee plans its next stunt to draw in viewers
Just moments after Gov. candidates.” Rommey and President Secondly, to encourage the kind of raucous disregard Obama left the debate stage, for time constraints and civil discourse seen on Tuesorganizers in Washington began planning the format and day, the lecture hall at Lynn will be entirely replaced features of the next election event: the Lynn University with a Sumo Wrestling Stage, complete with a workdebate. Acknowledging that events had been designed to ing WWF-style descending microphone. That way, Joslowly build momentum, Senior Debate Organizer Davis han says, “When candidates start to talk, Bob SchiefJohan said, “The first debate was okay. It was low key. fer can yell over them on the mic, inciting the violence That was our goal. and excitement I think we really everyone wants made a good choice to see.” slipping Jim Leh Lastly, Jorer those Ambien. han discussed Things could only the involvego up from there. At ment of special Romney’s suggesinterest groups tion, we searched in the debate. binders full of wom“While Presien until we came dent Obama and across Candy CrowGovernor Romley for the second ney are wresdebate. And tonight tling, we’d like was definitely more to have repreheated- the audience sentatives from members’ dishevinterest groups eled appearance toss companydefinitely threw the related items The candidates will hire sumo representatives to spar over the “heavier” into the ring. So candidates off their issues mark.” Schiffman down When prompted to discuss plans for the third debate, at Big Tobacco will be throwing lit cigarettes onto the Johan explained, “We want to do more. We want to get mat, while Nolan from Planned Parenthood will be audiences pumped, you know? We believe we’ve laid out tossing lube and condoms.” a tentative format that’ll really get America interested in At press time, Johan said the Committee was toying politics again.” with the idea of replacing Schieffer with Leherer half The first step, according to Johan, is upping their game way through via a tag team high five, which would iniwith the audience’s appearance. The student audience at tiate the substitution. By alternating between Schieffer Lynn University will be entirely replaced with society’s and Lehrer, having doppelgangers of the candidates’ most obscure outcast groups: Lepers, dwarves, hunchfriends walk in front of the camera, and allowing each backs, etc. This, Johan claims, is a crucial aspect of keepcandidate to apply five mild electric shocks to his oping both debaters on their toes. “When a tattered, balding ponent throughout the evening, Johan assured The hunchbacked woman fumbles while attempting to work Blowfish this isn’t one you want to miss. the microphone, you get to see Obama struggle to compliment her. And that’s what it’s all about; challenging our
BY LISA HAMPER
Missed That One
PAGE 2- OPINION
Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...
Judging by the number of emails I’ve received since my last Flu Update, many of you appreciated my frank discussion on marijuana usage. Some of you approved, some were upset, and others asked if I needed some Cali shit. Well it just so happens there are a few more controversial questions on this year’s ballot, and I’d like to address a few of them. In Colorado, there is a question about increasing the punishment for cocaine dealers. I am still torn on this subject, and have not made up my mind about how to vote. Now, I think it’s safe to say that most of us on campus have blown the white lady a few times. What else are you supposed to snort off your copy of Exile on Main Street? But it turns out a lot of these cocaine dealers go into shadier businesses, like jacking cars and selling guns on the black market. If we increase the punishment for these dealers, it might dry up the market and make it harder to get at that glock you’ve always wanted. No matter what your position on cocaine is, it’s important for young users to educate themselves on research that shows a strong correlation between how pure the Whitney is and how high you can soar. In the spirit of full disclosure, this research was not available when I was in college, so sometimes we would just... what were we talking about? All I’m saying is, think before you vote. In New Mexico, there’s a question about limiting the amount of paint thinner that can be bought at once to curb meth production. As a former chemistry major, I can say with certitude that this will seriously hurt the creative process for countless scientists. Paint thinner is a major ingredient for various projects, or it can be used to make a powerful inhalation chamber. If students can’t apply their knowledge to real life, will America have any chem majors left? We should ask ourselves this before the November election. It is hard to believe that we are just six weeks into the semester. Maybe you might be a little homesick. Or maybe you’d rather stay at Brandeis than go home over break. But you know what’ll help? Those sweet, sweet Sugar Boogers. That Primo Turbo. The Lace Gremmies. Stop by, and see what we can offer you.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t get better with age.
Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - The pen is mightier than the sword but try telling that to the fencing team
Aries: March 20 - April 20 The older you get, the more you realize how stupid you were when you were young.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21 Did you donate blood? Well you shouldn’t have done that. Now they have your DNA.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21 Congrats, you registered to vote! Now you’ve just got to become literate.
Be well. Rick Sawyer
Why are you voting this election season?
Cancer: June 22 - July 22 Friends don’t let friends drink alone. That’s how drinking problems start. “It’s fun to pretend we have a choice in anything.” - Bertrand Russell
Leo: July 23 - August 23 - You failed your midterm, but don’t worry: Med School was never gonna happen anyways.
“This isn’t a democracy anymore! -Rick Grimes
“#Yovo!” - Drake
Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - An apple a day keeps your fridge from being full of apples!
Libra: September 24 - October 23 - When you see a small car, don’t assume there’s more than one clown in it.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - Call room service and ask for the maintenance guy.
Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - Leave a fucking voicemail, I need to know whether I care you called!
Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - Yea, your dad knows Tom Brady. And last week Kofi Annan gave me a sponge bath.
“Makin’ sure the Democrabs keep their claws off me money! - Mr. Krabs
“I cant. My family has a driver so I don’t have a photo ID.” -Mitt Romney
“Is P. Diddy still making threats? That shit is scary. - 50 Cent
WANT TO BE TAKEN 2 YOUR NEW FAVORITE CLUB?
Michael Chernin Daniel Tassone Staff Nate Ennis Gordy Stillman Lisa Galperin Alisa Feinswog Alexandra Barr
Elly Kalfus Audrey Stout Alison White Noah Coolidge
YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
we’re looking for people with comedy chops, photoshop skills, or layout experience. EMAIL US AT BLOWMYFISH@ GMAIL.COM FOR OUR MEETING SCHEDULE!
NEWS- PAGE 3
Our medieval correspondents dig deep to uncover the true origins of our democratic process Good eve! Hast thou ever wondered how it is that one man comes to power without the use of bludgeon? Though scarce this process be, some tell of way that men attain greatness without the daily beating of his serfs, without theft of the dead king’s crown. I speak, of course, of election! It would come that one day two free men of the land (never serfs, mind you!) sought power, but not through warfare. Armed only with the pen, they claimed to seek admirable changes to the oppressive system of their time. But alack! As with many an honorable goal, they looked only to personal gain! But before we learn thee of tales of replete corruption, we must first learn thee of corruption’s vessel, and ye may realize that this system is not dissimilar to systems of the future! BY JAKE LOWELL
Just Had To Do It
I. The Campaign Though oft not considered by historians, it was first necessary to gain the support of the people. Nearby towns were sieged by military campaigns ordered by contenders for the throne. By steed and knight of the Holy Standard-Bearer, the Papal Gonfalonier did ride into the towns! Whosoever could strike the most fear into the hearts of the most frail won their allegiance. Serfs would toss their rags, tattered though they were, in the direction No Photo ID you say? Torrents of blood shall rain down from the heavens! of the victor. Yea, this much displeased the losing campaign, and although the serfs had pledged their allegiance to the winner, the losers had not pledged their allegiance to the serfs! ‘Twere often extinguished upon the very mound of dirt on which they stood. II. Debates Alas, it is about this time that Witch of Weather casts her icy breath across the land. As the ninth month of the Roman calendar descended, it is of no surprise that the withered limbs of serfs ached and grew weary, just before the harvest’s completion. Debates were indeed less of a political craft, and more of a dubious means of fabricating hope, a grain of which was smaller than the grain the serfs harvested themselves! “Hear ye,” claimed one candidate. “If thy wretched lepers appoint me thine ruler, I warrant that the squalor in which ye live shall not deteriorate any further!” Praise abound to the savior! But alack! Like most ghouls, flighty and devoid of substance, the newly elected would disremember their promises faster than the plague doth spread! III. Voting Day Many a serf was “encouraged” to participate by being given a break so that they may vote. The Lord of the Manner would thusly break one limb for each serf that dissented. After such castigation, un-beaten serfs were fired, and thus set aflame at the stake. “But my lord, though I was never schooled in arithmetic, nor in anything, it would appear that there are five hundred of us toiling serfs, and we are bestowed but one vote in total, yet his Holiness the Pope of Rome posesseth a count of five hundred, and he is but one man!” “OY! Looks like we’ve got ourselves an Aristotle over ‘ere! And ‘im don’t even believe in the mandate o’ heaven? You know what ‘appens when ya question the Papacy! Looks like I’ve got to hang 10!” IV. Election’s Eve: The die were cast. The rats were cleans’d from the streets. The Eve of Election is upon us! For all the grumble and bumble that this partisan process produceth, the final victor is determined by measure of the longest codpiece.
Special Species Throughout the election process, one crucial difference has distinguished the two candidates: special interest groups. Obama’s got women, Latinos, and PBS fanatics, while Mitt has the Forbes Top 50 and most Fortune 500 companies. To really win this election, Obama knows he needs to connect with a few more specialty groups. Here are some leaked stump speeches that aim to target these minority groups: Guys Who Pee Sitting Down Hello, gentlemen. Now I know I’ve said time and time again that I want every American to stand with me this election season. But let me be clear, what you do in the sanctity of a bathroom is a private matter. I am completely laissez-faire when it comes to male peeing etiquette. This is a call to all men- the ones with stage fright, the ones with the small zippers, even the guys who curve upward. I’ve seen your struggle, and you inspire me. People Who Watch The New Normal Hahahaha! Oh, sorry, hello. You just caught me watching one of my favorite shows, The New Normal. Boy, does that show get it or what? I love how they don’t oversaturate you with comedy. They understand that part of the reason you’re watching is to learn valuable moral lessons. And you know what else is a valuable moral lesson? Perserverence. Despite the fact that your friends tell you that The New Normal is just a halfshow/half-succubus clutching it’s overly-serious hands to the success of Modern Family, riding its coattails like an underconfident and exploitative hog, you stick to your guns that there’s only one good show about a gay couple, a cheeky old person, and a baby, and it ain’t the one with the hot Hispanic lady. I support your steadfast conviction. People Without a Facebook Hey you, over there in the corner! Mind if I join you? Y’know, I respect you and your brave decision to forego modern means of communication. I know I’ve got a big presence online, but all that stuff comes from the interns... except for my pinterest account. I can’t get enough of those fall design ideas! But when it comes to Facebook, I stand with you. Like I always say, there’s nothing worth saying that can’t be communicated by two tin cans tied by some string. Like we did in the old days! If you want to see the pie-in-the-window America you yearn for, then ride your single-gear bike down to your nearest polling station and give me your vote. And then pray that I don’t have to privatize the U.S. Postal Service, because that shit is really weighing down our budget. Friendzoned Men Hello, gentlemen. I notice there are a fair amount of you from the seated urination address. And, again, I thank you for your support. Guys, I know how it is. You put in the work. You woo and please and do everything you can do to get Sarah to like you in more than just a “let’s watch The New Normal tonight!” kind of way. Take it from me. When I was growing up, Michelle always shot down my advances. She was even unsure of whether or not she wanted to marry me! So you know what I did? I fucking killed Osama Bin Laden! I mean, I did a few things before that too, but man that really sealed the deal. If you want to do the same, I hear a lotta people really hate this Kim Jong-Un character.
PAGE 4- P.S. 110. Lizard genus 111. Part of N.Y.C. 112. Run out, as a subscription 113. ___-bodied 114. Brooks 115. Canadian tribe 116. Attack 117. “Holy cow!” 118. Frosts, as a cake 119. Amerada ___ (Fortune 500 company)
Holidays Reborn A lot of holidays could be renamed to reflect how we really think of them. In honor of Columbus Day, we took the opportunity to re-christen some of our favorites!
1. Goes on and on 5. Carve in stone 9. Blossom support 13. People person, forshort 18. Bank claim 19. Extra 20. Conclusion 21. Soul 22. Creole vegetable 23. Tiny hairs 24. Makes worse 26. February 14threnamed? 29. Cozy corners 30. Make certain of 31. Valuable stone 32. Declarant 33. Particle-detectingdevice 39. Dadaism founder 42. Large lot 43. Overseas 44. Way, way off 48. Homer’s exclamation 49. Hello and goodbye
52. May event, for short 53. Heartthrob 54. Cook, as clams 56. Results of blizzards 58. Noah’s grandson 59. Two-timer 60. Political escapee 62. Seismic sea waves 64. Ash Wednesday renamed? 68. In a violent or sudden manner 70. Draw squiggles 71. Body art, briefly 73. Soup legume 74. Followed 76. Fencing move 78. Novelist Joyce Carol 79. Airport pickup 81. Groovy 84. Expire 85. “... or ___!” 86. Single-principle philosopher 88. “Blue” or “White” river 89. Boar’s mate 90. Secretly affixed one’s name to a document 93. “Jo’s Boys” author 96. Ring bearer, maybe 97. Boron, arsenic, phosphorus and others 102. John ___ Mill 103. Easter renamed? 108. The study of the body’s defense system
1. Boston newspaper 2. Missouri Senate candidate 3. Masses of floating ice 4. Big mess 5. “Beowulf,” e.g. 6. Nemesis of the Phantom Stranger 7. Shrink in fear 8. Tumble 9. Bunch 10. Forum wear 11. Irascible 12. Fold, spindle or mutilate 13. Cracker topper 14. Legislate 15. Flexible 16. Arab leader 17. Low in pitch 19. Sounds before a car crash 25. Chipped in 27. Peak moment 28. Pool site, maybe 32. “Don’t go!” 34. Investment vehicle, for short 35. Castrated horse 36. Final notice 37. Cemetery sights 38. Affirmative action 39. Highlights of the Super Bowl 40. Campus military org. 41. They’re game 44. Former capital of Kazakhstan 45. Where the animals live, pl. 46. To me: Fr. (2 wds.) 47. 1990 World Series champs 50. Bacchanal 51. Picasso contemporary Joan 53. Discovery 55. Annie, e.g. 57. Ongoing quarrels 58. Art subject 60. And others, for short 61. Back-to-work time: Abbr.
62. Stressing over romance, say, in HIMYM 63. “Magic Tree House” book series illustrator Murdocca 65. Eastern ties 66. Beat badly 67. Field worker 68. ___ gin fizz 69. Fiathful, to a Scot 72. Quartet after a desertation 74. Give off, as light 75. Barely beat, with “out” 76. Ownerless half-wild Asian canine 77. Tree 79. Oaf 80. Setting for TV’s “Newhart” 82. A.T.M. need 83. Fraternity candidates 86. “All for one and one for all,” e.g. 87. Arduous journey 90. Trumpet relative 91. Game expedition 92. Like some humor 93. Hindu self 94. Sugar bowl cubes 95. Charitable undertaking 98. Intimidate, with “out” 99. Dig, so to speak 100. Holes in the head 101. Little ones 102. Fodder holder 103. Brain area 104. Eye 105. Court attentiongetter 106. Lady Macbeth, e.g. 107. Building additions 109. Delay
Solution to “Yom Kippur: Sinful Foods”
CEO Tim Cook takes a moment to apologize for a few company missteps BY HEATHER LOCKHORNE
Loves A Good Trumpet Solo
Apple CEO Tim Cook recently expressed his regret over the new Apple Maps program. “Unfortunately, nobody has a patent on screwing up a crucial piece of technology, so we can’t sue anyone over this,” Cook said candidly. Following this announcement, he took the time to apologize for a few of Apple’s other missteps:
BY JO HARTZ
Loves Her Cat
- The new pinwheel sound effect, “Na na na na na na” - The fact that Mac OSX Yetti was so hard to find. Chinese workers developed cataracts, had blurred vision, and couldn’t see the product as it was manufactured. - Prematurely revealing Steve Job’s hiding location with the “Where’s Steve?” Maps tool - Partnership with Facebook that requires users to update their statuses and “Like” 2 pages before powering on - Siri’s insistence on telling you about her day - The Voice Memo’s automatic translation of notes into overly aggressive German - A default live-feed that sends video footage to a jumbotron in Silicon Valley - Upon turning on, Siri calculates and announces your weight via speakerphone - Alarm regularly assesses which morning wake-up times support users being the most productive and auto-sets accordingly
“If there weren’t bugs to fix, you wouldn’t be half as excited when we release our updates!”