GOES WELL WITH A GOOD PINOT NOIR!
VOLUME XI, ISSUE 2
TODAY’S WEATHER Today: 100% Humidity Tomorrow: You should really board the ark.
iPhone 5 features exclusive sneak preview of the iPhone 6 Pg. 3hr Battery Life
POLITICAL NEWS: Student defends redneck comment with claim, “Some of my best friends are Republicans!” Pg. 1 Friend
DAYCARE NEWS: Lemberg study finds children not enthused with airplane applesauce bombings Pg. 8 Spoonfulls
RELIGION NEWS: Gospel shows Jesus had no mercy on nagging mother-in-law Pg. 32 A.D.
FOOTBALL NEWS: NFL fires scab refs, polls audience for tough calls
Pg. 5yrd Penalty
JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: What did the fisherman say to the card magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod! NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: We printed this on Yom Kippur, so if anything offends you: we’ve already a-tonered for our sins
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Rules You Should Know! Page 2 Romney Apologizes! Page 3 TA Strike! Page 3 Sherman Sting Operation! Page 4
Yesterday’s Goal, Today’s Shame
Inside This Issue TECHNOLOGY NEWS:
September 27, 2012
Brandeis gets desperate in a public plea for attention
Brandeis Univer- Students woke up with piles of embarrassing posters begsity awoke in a post- ging for attention from the famed show’s hosts. Among the drunken haze Mon- worst were, “Looking for Social Justice? It’s Just-Us!” and day morning after a week of pursuing Today Show hosts “Willing to Bare our Innermost Parts on Live TV!!!” All Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb. “I only need ya for an hour, around campus, Brandeisians clad in yesterday’s clothes baby!” the University could be heard shouting at the hosts opened their dorm doors, prayed that no one else was daily. But when Brandeis awoke Monday morning to an awake, and stuffed their ill-conceived signs in the nearest empty bed, it was trash can. less than enthusi “Ughhh my astic. “We begged throat is soooo the Today show for sore,” remarked what?!?” the ghost one freshman of Ollie cried the girl. “I shouldn’t next morning. have been so “Well, Matt Lauer loud, for those seems like a recameras.” spected journalist Reports conand Al Roker is firmed that stuone of America’s dents were emmost recognized barrassed and TV personalishocked upon ties...” Upon hearviewing a video ing that we were that somebody actually vying for uploaded to the an appearance on Today Show the show’s fourth Website, which hour, with Kathie features hunLee and Hoda, dreds of stuOllie muttered, dents unabash“I would die of edly contorting Kathie Lee and Hoda are already pre-gaming for Pachanga. shame if I weren’t their bodies and already dead.” screaming at the It all started when Kathie Lee thought Brandeis looked top of their lungs. “fun and quirky” at a party. Box of Franzia in hand, “You can tell this was shot with a camera phone- you she slithered up to Brandeis and made her move: “Hey can’t do anything these days without somebody uploading Brandeis, we’ve seen you flirting with the top-tier school it.” Senior Olivia Janson said she learned her lesson the list and we’d like to get to know you a little bit. Interested hard way. in some fun?” Within two minutes, the school emailed When called upon to comment on the campus-wide everyone on its contact list begging them to support their shaming, President Lawrence spoke earnestly about callhookup. “It’s between us and five other guys!!! She can’t ing those two “lovely ladies,” and the possibility of filming have us all, even though that’d be kinda hot. Let these la- a fifth hour of the Today Show back at his hip new Watch dies know that what we lack in size, we make up for in Factory apartment. “I’m not opposed to sloppy seconds,” passion!” he added.
BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer
The Brandincci Code
The Student Union tries to make sense of its epic voting procedure
It is common knowledge to “We were convinced for the longest time that the Sphinx anyone watching the news that held the key, because Sphinx has six letters, the exact democracy don’t come easy number of characters in 23 N, 20 E. But then we were like, these days. Iraqi elections have spurred bombings and as‘What the hell are we doing? This is ridiculous...’ Why sassinations. Egypt has been plagued by vote-buying, ballotwould the Scroll of Knowledge be buried in the Sphinx, stuffing, and Clinton-shaming. Even the United States took which was built under the reign of Pharaoh Khafra, who a few centuries to only built the decide that everysecond largest one should have pyramid in the a say. But none of Giza Necropothese hardships lis. Then it hit were the result of us! The larga failure to interest was built pret election reunder Pharaoh sults. So how did Khufu!” The Brandeis accidenhardest part of tally overlook the the journey, and landslide victory where it all went of “Abstain” durwrong, was in ing the most recent the process of Student Union comparing each elections? The anstudent’s vote swer required the with the Scroll kind of investigaand trying to tive journalism for account for the which the Blowsemiotic hierofish has become glyph shift from legendary. the Early Dynas The Brandeis tic Period to the “Why didn’t King Tut install WiFi?!?” University voting Protodynastic process is relatively simple. Students select who they think Period. The Union officers expressed their desire that the would best represent their interests, and that’s that. Where the Brandeis community both know why the polling error difficulty arises, we discovered, is in the interpretation prooccurred, and that the Student Inion is incredibly regretcess. The Blowfish sat down with Student Union officers Jesful of these transgressions upon Democracy herself. sica Olian ‘14 and Mark Smith ‘15 in the hopes that someone When asked what she regretted most, Olian said, could elucidate the origins of our democratic problems. “Working with that crackpot mapmaker Vincento Sforza! “The vote was 23 abstentions and 20 for the leading canHe damned us from the start, with his tiny monkey who didate. Of course we immediately recognized those numbers kept stealing his own compass!” as a latitudinal and longitudinal address. Unfortunately, 23 As a fail-safe mechanism for future political debacles, North and 20 East directs us to Al Kurfah, Libya. We knew the Union has recently decided to retire the Scroll in fawe had to fly there and work with Libyan Elected Assemblyvor of the Freemason Square and Compass, which the man Mohammed Magrief in order to infiltrate Egypt’s ancient Union says can tell how many people didn’t even vote. pyramids and look for clues,” said a crazed Smith.
BY HAL SUMNER
Smells Like Lavender
PAGE 2- OPINION
Let’s Be Clear...
Students were in a state of shock last week after receiving President Lawrence’s email condemning student-faculty relations. After accepting that our dream of hooking up with the DILF in Upper Usdan would never be realized, it occurred to us that we already thought this was a rule! Just so we have it on the record, here’s a list of other things you probably shouldn’t do, whether they’re officially banned or not.
Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...
10. No Student-Professor Relations We know that your teachers are sexy: Their knowledge, their power over your grade, their thick, rigid pointers, the list goes on. Recently, Brandeis has officially banned acting upon the obvious lust that we feel towards our much older advisors. Unfortunate, yes, but necessary.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 -You will find the ‘x’ that marks the spot. But there’s nothing there, so don’t bother digging.
9. No Cheating Just because the boy next to you in Biology always gets As on his midterms, does not mean it is okay to take a glance. Grades have to be earned on your own. That means no plagiarizing, no iPhone help during tests, and certainly no more paying nerds to do your work in exchange for Dr. Who role-play.
Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - Live a bolder life. Literally.
8. No Stealing from the C-Store Come to think of it, I guess its not that obvious... 7. No Masturbation in the Library Studying is stressful and masturbating can be an easy stress reliever, as SSIS has told you, however, not in the library. The librarian has told you time and time again, “no spills!”
Aries: March 20 - April 20 You’re like a fortune cookie: disappointing, vague, and probably not Asian.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21 If Life give you lemons, squirt them in his eyes. Seriously, that guy is a sexual predator.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21 Exercise self-restraint by getting a restraining order.
6. No Drugs in Class True, there is a first year seminar called Drug Discovery and Development. It is not a class where the assignment is to try a new drug before next class, where the teacher discusses which drug is best for you, and where your midterm is graded on a curve of who can get the most intoxicated. You can find that class at Hampshire.
5. No Auto Theft The Waltham police leave their cop cars all over campus and they always leave their keys in the ignition. It’s a horrible tease to students because everyone fantasizes about taking one of those for a wild ride. Think of the ladies you could pick up if you rolled around in a police car! 4. No Homemade Abortions On the Brandeis campus, self-abortion is too easy. There are liberal pre-med students everywhere! Whatever they offer you, don’t let them try their new homeopathic abortion witchcraft on you. 3. No Bribing Professors Your history teacher may be hinting that she needs a new Altima, but please do not indulge. Using economic means to get better marks is not as effective as exploiting your body. 2. No Homicide Killing people--not okay by US law, not okay by every religious text, also not okay by Brandeis, no matter how many times they raise their hand in discussion section. 1. No Pouring Jello Packets into Massell Pond I know what you’re thinking: “That would be so cool!” We could jello-fy the pond. Actually, The Blowfish does not, not endorse this. Double negative. Let’s call that a typo.
What are you atoning for this Yom Kippur?
Cancer: June 22 - July 22 You should only “YOLO!” once a night, then it gets annoying. “But they like to fight!” - Ash Ketchum
“Infantilizing your teenage daughter.” - Baby Bottle Pops
Leo: July 23 - August 23 - If you pass by a bottle and don’t recycle it, it’s like you littered.
“Nothing... God Forgave.” - Rick Ross
Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - Bumper cars are a good way to tap dat Aston Martin.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - Expand your social horizon by allowing 18 inches of personal space.
Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - When smacking a stranger’s butt, just be sure to yell out “Nice Pass” and a random number. Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 - If you sense you’re doing something wrong, check if you’re using Internet Explorer.
“Fuckin’ one minute? I’ve been around since---” - Billie Joe Armstrong
“I’m a-tonin’ every day, for the babes who’re DTF!” -The Situation
Libra: September 24 - October 23 - Lose all dignity by defending scooters as an “efficient form of transportation.”
“Atonement... that was a shameless sob-fest. -Keira Knightley
DON’T BE LIKE SCUMBAG STEVE!
Michael Chernin Abbie Kagan
Nate Ennis Gordy Stillman Adam Garbacz
Elly Kalfus Audrey Stout
Alison White Eve Markvardt Lisa Galperin
Alisa Feinswog Noah Coolidge Sam Mintz
YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
we’re looking for people with comedy chops, photoshop skills, or layout experience. EMAIL US AT BLOWMYFISH@ GMAIL.COM FOR OUR MEETING SCHEDULE!
NEWS- PAGE 3
The Mitt Hits The Fan
Our favorite Republican nominee takes a moment to clarify some ill-conceived statements
Hello Brandeis Student Body, Hey? ‘Sup? I know you are all busy listening to your Aaron Carter on the Napster, but I need a moment of your time to clarify a few comments I’ve made. It is important that I address you, the college student, because you suck the most vigorously from our government’s teet. Now, those in the poorstream media will probably take that comment and turn it against me, which is why I’m writing to set the record straight today. Please read closely because I won’t repeat myself... and even if I do I might say something completely different. First, I’d like to address those infamous comments I made about the 47%. The tree-blowing yuppies on the far left would like you to think I was referring to the 47% of Americans who are supported by the government through unemployment programs. That is not what I meant at all! I was strictly referring to those who are literally being kept alive in government hospitals. Patients on life support expect us to give them food, shelter, healthcare... and our government just can’t support that responsibility. So we need to kill 47% of them. I’m not saying these people will vote for Obama because they’re small-minded or lazy. I’m saying that they’ll vote for him because he’s the only candidate who won’t instantly kill them in his first week of office. “I hope Biden gets out on the campaign trail soon...” More recently, I’ve been made to look like a fool after I suggested that airplanes were unsafe because their windows don’t open. I still don’t know why no one can follow my logic. When a plane is on fire, it needs to be grounded. When it’s grounded, you need to leave the vehicle with dignity. Right now there is a slide mechanism in place, but the only adults who use slides are the ones who can’t afford a live-in babysitter. Not only can I afford a babysitter, I paid an entire doppelganger family to raise my children. So the slide isn’t an option for me and my wife. Meanwhile, a roll-down window serves multiple functions: you can use it to escape, to get some fresh air, or to order at the Sky-Starbucks I had built a few years ago. It’s just more practical. I’m a little afraid to bring this up after so much time has passed, but I really need to clarify my assertion that “corporations are people”. Some pothead politicos would like you to think I was saying that corporations should be given the same rights as people because they’re such an integral part of our economy. But the truth is, I’m a paraphiliac- I am sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and corporations are my Christian Grey. I’d expect you free-love liberals to have a little more sympathy for my identity, but apparently you people can’t envision a world where corporations are as sexy as people. Are you blind to their billowing stacks? The smooth rhythm of their grinding gears? Haven’t you ever fantasized about a big industry tying you up and forcing you to work a 12hour shift in the dark? Corporations are people, my friend... especially after a few drinks. It’s funny, people accuse me of being robotic when I’m actually a very complex individual. Maybe if you gave me a chance to finish my thoughts, you’d see the opportunity to elect your first wealthy, homicidal, Paraphiliac-American as president. Unless we’re counting Grover Cleveland, he oversaw the Washington Monument and that thing is basically a tribute to my people. Yours Cordially, Mitt
T.A.king A Stand
A recent Teacher’s Assistant strike reveals just how much we rely on these unsung heroes BY LESLIE FRANKEN
Not Sure What To Make Of It
Recently Brandeis teaching assistants, in solidarity with the Chicago teachers union, unionized and went on strike. Without teaching assistants, various departments are now facing unprecedented challenges. Science labs now run in 10-hour sessions without the TAs helping to manage them. Professor Adam Atom of the chemistry department explained, “without a regular supply of slave labor–I mean TAs–we now have to spend hours overseeing the lab groups rather than the research we are supposed to be doing.” General chemistry professor, Cynthia Novak wondered aloud, “Where does it say that I have to show up to class and teach?” Provost Goldstein further stated “without TAs, professors have to teach. If they are busy teaching, then they won’t have time to submit to prestigious science journals or produce delicious butter substitutes.” While labs have become more onerous, some classes have actually become easier. Professor Coiner’s Introductory Econ class, known for having some of the most skilled and productive teaching assistants, is now significantly easier. “I can’t assign so much homework for each chapter if I actually have to grade it all. I’ve got more blue books than Republicans have tax breaks! WE NEED A FUCKING HOMEWORK CEILING IN THIS CRAZY ECONOMY!” Other departments are encountering different problems, realizing that some of their highly awarded faculty actually don’t know their way around Brandeis. For example, Professor Andreas Teuber of the Philosophy dept was nearly 40 minutes late to his first class without TAs. Thankfully for the department, he was able to convince most of the class that it was part of the day’s discussion on time as a philosophical concept. Only minutes before print did The Blowfish learn that it was complete bullshit. Fully paid tuition including room and board are being offered to anyone who will stand in as a teacher’s assistant, even for one class. “Working is hard work,” commented an anonymous professor. Added President Lawrence, “We’re worried about professors also going on strike... but please, please don’t print that. We don’t want to give them any ideas.” This issue will remain unresolved until the TA’s get their requests met: bathroom breaks, thoughtful letters of recommendation, and a pat on the back weekly. There is little negotiation at this time and a resolution seems far off.
We check in with our fashion correspondent on the streets BY ED LAURIE
Now Accepting Calls
Being gangster is all about balance. Too much swag and you appear out of touch; schizophrenic. Too little swag, and you’re in Steve Urkel territory. It can be tough for the 21st century guy out there. The Blowfish recently sat down with Harvard swagologist Kenneth “Nothin’ But Net” Kowalski, in an effort to clear up some common misconceptions. On the concept of how much gold to wear, Kowalski says, “You don’t want to go overboard. You’re trying to get the girl’s attention, not damage her retinas. One chain is enough... unless your name requires you to have two chains.” Another sensitive issue is crotch-grabbing. Kowalski says, “You can never grab your crotch too frequently. What you want to do is subtly remind the female that your genitalia have not gone anywhere in the time that you’ve been either walking up to her or speaking directly to her. Too little crotch-grabbing and she might forget you have a penis.” Lastly, Kowalski discussed the concept of perfecting the gangster limp. Rather than describe the delicate balance, The Blowfish has reprinted a graph from Kowalski’s new book, “The More Sex You Have, The Less Likely Your Dick Will Fall Off.”
PAGE 4- P.S. 125. Barbershop quartet members 126. Opera feature 127. ___ Knievel 128. 18-wheeler 129. Not impressed 130. Back 131. “Get ___!”
Yom Kippur: Sinful Foods These sins and foods go great together! Across 1. Kind of lettuce 5. “By yesterday!” 9. Bad atmosphere 15. Gender abbr. 19. ___ retentive 20. Defensive spray 21. A lichen with flattened fronds 22. Doing nothing 23. Eye affliction 24. Aid in a swindle 25. To do with heart 27. “Pumping ___” 28. Graceful fliers 30. Inhabitant 31. For use on a scale 36. Drinking sound effects 37. “___ rang?” 38. Craze 39. 20-20, e.g. 40. Female pronoun 43. Tough thing to swallow meets chocolate dessert 51. Garden perennials 53. A slive, especially of bread 54. Matter of law 55. Aquatic plant 56. Minimal
60. Produces milk 63. Billiards stick 66. Jolting movement 69. Like some socks 70. Hunger meets summer dessert minus the rhubarb 73. Taking the place (of) 76. Victorian, in a way 77. How living cells get water 81. Cruising place 83. Porterhouse, e.g. 85. Swimmer’s path 86. A.T.M. need 87. Needle cases 90. Insidious Arnold 93. Laziness meets more-thantwo veggie dish 99. Code word 100. Greyhound, e.g. 101. Ballade conclusion 102. ___-Atlantic 104. Not sleeping 107. Annihilations 113. Storage shack 116. Old king of Crete 117. Dour 118. Relating to 23 North 20 East (see Blowfish) 122. Prowl 123. Dig 124. War god
Down 1. Alkaline 2. Foreword, for short 3. Marshy inlet 4. A family of fish 5. Dilettantes 6. Cavalry weapon 7. Biting 8. “Honey,” for example 9. Finish, with “up” 10. Anger 11. Down’s opposite: Abbr. 12. English county 13. Cheese nibblers 14. “Ah, me!” 15. Piano keyboard center 16. “Farewell, mon ami” 17. What “yo mama” is 18. Boston’s ballers 26. Inflexible 29. Bohemian, e.g. 32. Sun hat of India 33. “Gimme ___!” (start of an Iowa State cheer) 34. Zeroes 35. Bills, e.g. 39. Kicker’s aids 40. Become unhinged 41. Best-selling Xbox videogame series 42. “Cogito ___ sum” 44. Spot in the water 45. Conk out 46. Secretary, at times 47. Egg cells 48. Affectedly creative 49. Fall (over) 50. To be, to Caesar 52. Type of radio show 57. Opened a bit 58. Scattered 59. Big brass 61. Barber’s job 62. Ancient 64. Gave a line 65. Loan sharks 67. Profit, in England 68. Canadian tribe 71. Scalawag 72. Bumpkin
73. Little devils 74. Catch 75. Prefix with type 78. Aforementioned 79. Ancient Andean 80. Actor Green of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 82. Did some noshing 84. “The ___ Daba Honeymoon” 88. Surefooted goat 89. Conveyed 91. Brandeis cultural club for Hindus, Janes, and Sikhs 92. Cut, maybe 94. Capital of Georgia 95. Red Sox pitcher, would-be 1986 World Series MVP 96. “___ Maria” 97. “Cheers” regular 98. Like 103. Shovel user 104. Book of maps 105. “...sugar is sweet and ___ you!” 106. ___ pole 107. Patsy’s “Absolutely Fabulous” pal 108. Accustom 109. Persian water wheel 110. Antipasto morsel 111. Ancient kingdom on the Nile 112. Whiff 114. Large Rwandan ethnic group 115. “Our Time in ___” (10,000 Maniacs album) 119. “___ what?” 120. “___ we having fun yet?” 121. Tripper’s drug
Solution to “Club Mashups!”
An undercover sting operation reveals the grave truth about your favorite superstore
that on average, people steal seven pounds of food per meal, not Waltham police and the CIA have partincluding the weight of the containers. “I stole--I mean, I watched nered in an undercover investigation of people steal entire platters,” RalSherman phbaum commented through a Dining Hall. There have been mulmouthful of greenish bananas. tiple arrests this week of students A fourth of the Brandeis popusmuggling ridiculous amounts of lation is incarcerated in Waltham food back to their dorm rooms. Aupolice station, including 24 prothorities say, “We knew that people fessors, four prospective students, stole---a lot---of food in Sherman,. and every member of kitchen staff. Like, a lot. But we had no idea how There is nobody serving food in much until this case.” Specialists Sherman now. “It’s like the apocain Washington DC are still not sure lypse in there, man,” remarked an what the students have done with all unreasonably hungry student with the food. bloodshot eyes who came to Sher Information came out that the man from the park just outside of undercover cops included that guy Brandeis. in the corner with salt and pepper The acapella group, Starving hair, the girl with the computer in all Artists, hasn’t practiced in days. black, and even the nice lady at the Friends of the singers say that they front. The agents placed nano camerare quite literally starving because as on every tray. The next meal, potheir reserves have run out. lice were shocked to find how much Chabad and Hillel took pity on film went missing and assumed that the students, noting that they had the students found out about the inalready been fasting for three days vestigation. Upon further inspection A near-perfect replica of Sherman built with all the stolen items and threw a banquet on Yom Kipthough, the CIA agents discovered pur for all students. It began before the fast was actually supthat the trays were regularly lifted as well and that the students posed to end, but everyone agreed they had already done their were actually unaware of the investigation. time. Statistics major Daniel Ralphbaum ‘14 did a study and found BY HEATHER LOCKHORNE
Loves A Good Trumpet Solo