VOLUME IX, ISSUE 6
Inside This Issue FEMINISM NEWS:
WGS Professors refuse to read further treatises on “The Role of Wymyn in our Male-Hyjacked Hystory,” saying “I feel like I’m reading a Wyld Stallyns song.” Page 1960
OCCUPY NEWS: People still occupying now declared legally homeless Page 1 percent
FIRST-YEAR NEWS: First-year investigates professor’s policy on Oxford commas Page OED 2nd ed.
POLICE NEWS: BranPo overhears girl say “OMG I’m literally going to kill him,” opens investigation Page 1st degree
Student rep. fixes dining plan, discovers how to divide by zero
Page 500 extra points
JOKE OF THE WEEK:
Q: What’s the difference between an introverted Brandeisian and an extroverted Brandeisian? A: While speaking to you, the introverted Brandeisian looks at his feet but the extroverted Brandeisian looks at your feet.
NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:
The opposite of good is perfect, so we figured we’d stop while we were ahead.
Questions? Comments? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org!
SOMETIMES ISSUES ARE BLACK AND WHITE
December 12, 2011
Festivus! Page 2 Coulier! Page 3 GOP Candidates! Page 4 Eminem! Page 5
Improv-ing Race Relations
New black troupe member enables OKness for racial humor
Improv Troupe The Laught- ing a scene about a farting airline pilot who just ate 20 waffe (“We air on the side burritos, Jordan’s entrance onto the “plane” was met of comedy!”) was thrilled with excited gasps by the passengers. “Oh my God it’s to announce the addition of their first black cast mem- Jay-Z!” shouted one troupe member. Although Jordan ber, Jordan McSimmons ’15. Troupe leader Dennis was visibly frustrated with the scene’s direction, he Leonards ’12 said about Jordan, “He’s really great for went along with the scene anyway. “Yup, it’s me, Jay-Z. the group! I mean, have you seen him? This is just what Now please stay cool because I’ve just finished a big we needed! I can’t tell you how many skits we’ve had tour and I want to get some sleep.” to abandon because we That’s when Stan Boyleston didn’t have any black ’14 shouted, “Wait a minute, members. Inner-city that’s not Jay-Z, that’s a robdramas, BET parodies, ber!” At that moment, the plane Civil War scenes. It’s erupted in chaos. “Please take like the group just got my bling, just leave me alone!” a shot of adrenaline!” shouted Dennis as he shoved Jordan, however, did fake jewelry in Jordan’s face. not share the troupe’s Jordan slowly took the jewelry enthusiasm. “Well, and left the scene. when I auditioned they said that they re“Wait, where are you going ally wanted to do some Jay-Z robber?!?” shouted one black comedy. I was troupe member. Jordan looked really excited because back at the crowd, “Yeah, uh, I love morbid jokes! sorry guys, I’ve gotta bang my But I guess they were bitch ... or whatever.” He then referring to the color muttered under his breath, “Ya There are two kinds of linguists: of my skin. Not cool fuckin’ racists ...” the anarcho-syndicalist and the dead. guys, not cool.” At the time of his interview, Tension further Jordan said his future with The mounted as the group Laughtwaffe (“We assault you began rehearsing towith comedy!”) was uncerGuess Who’s Coming to Improv? gether. For example, tain. “Yeah, fuck those guys.” Jordan had a difficult Meanwhile, Dennis was too time finding his place in a sketch about a farting profes- caught up in his own excitement to comment on Jorsor who just ate 10 burritos. When Jordan entered the dan’s departure; “I mean, think about it! Before we’ve scene, troupe member Kathy Gibbons ’14 shouted “Oh only been able to set sketches in places like Vermont no, a robber!” Jordan looked surprised. “Uh, really? Are or Portland. But now ... now we can do scenes in Deyou sure I’m not a fellow student?” Kathy threw her troit, New York, even Washington D.C. We can do our hands up in disgust, “Come on, Jordan, don’t you know first presidential sketches since Bush left office! This is the first rule of improv? Go with it!” gonna be great ...” The following sketch was equally problematic. Dur-
BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer
Don’t wanna ChicaGo!
One student falls in love with the windy city
eat. Why hasn’t Baan Thai expanded its locations to During study abroad, Chicago yet? Everything changed after I went to the most students flock to Perfect for Small Parties movies and saw ‘Footloose,’ a culturally relevant the classic great cities film about a wholesome Midwestern town where of Europe, while some the kids just want to dance. Like me, the title charstudents seek something a bit more exotic, like India, acter, Ren McCormack, was a transplant from BosGhana or Chicago. (Some students labor under the deton. The movie made me realize that even though lusion that Chicago is in Europe). we come from different cultures, we are all united One student, Lily Patricksberg ’13, was finally able by the universal power of the dance.” to get in touch Now that with The BlowPatricksberg fish offices after has experiseveral rounds enced all the of phone tag due best parts of to the inconvinkind of livvient time difing in a forference. When eign country, asked what she the American felt was the most Midwest, she, fulfilling part of like many stuher study abroad dents abroad, experience, she is dreading told us in an afher return to fected Chicago the rest of accent, “I’ve America and learned so much Brandeis. She about the native noted that her culture. Before host family’s I got here, the son was literonly things I ally one of the knew about Chibiggest things cago, excuse me, Girl reflects on her study afraud she was going ‘the Windy City’ to miss about the Midwest. His large muscles, blond as the natives call it, were what I learned from Ferris hair and impeccable lawn-mowing skills were signs Bueller, but now I see that there’s so much more nuof a virility she had never experienced at Brandeis, ance! For example, did you know that here, they call and fears she never will. She was about to describe the T the L? Or that here, their sox are white? Sure, her course work (or lack of it) when our connecduring the first few weeks of my program, it was pretty tion cut short because her time ran out at the local difficult to adjust to the culture shock. I knew I was internationally-themed Internet cafe. supposed to immerse myself in the surrounding culture, but I had a really difficult time finding food I wanted to
BY CARLOS FORRESTER
PAGE 2- OPINION
BlowScopes Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - Dictators are inherently dicks. But Vladmir Putin should have never written that shit on your face.
Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - Sniffing markers is almost harmless but could lead for a loss with clarity to prepositions.
Aries: March 20 - April 20 You are an emotional eater. The sooner you accept this fact, the sooner you will receive a personalized message of support from Oprah. Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - We all want to leave a legacy that will make our future children proud. That includes you, Brandeis Flasher. Gemini: May 22 - June 21 Life is full of break-ups, breakdowns, break-ins and break-outs. Sorry if this is too reminiscent of a Katy Perry song. Cancer: June 22 - July 22 Don’t give in to peer pressure. Remember that you still have finals coming up. Just because you open a bottle of vodka, doesn’t mean you have to finish it … but you probably should. Come on. Just do it. Don’t be such a wuss.
Letter from the Chaplaincy Dear Brandeis Community, In this season of great, ancient holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah, we would like to take this opportunity to highlight a few lesser-known holidays invented in the last 50 years, namely Festivus and Kwanzaa. Festivus, which is a real holiday, is secularly observed on Dec. 23 to celebrate the holiday season without participating in its rampant consumerism. Festivus became an international phenomenon after the seminal “Seinfeld” episode titled “The Strike,” the 10th episode of the ninth and final season. In the show, Festivus is the holiday invented by George’s father Frank. The key components of Festivus include the Airing of Grievances (antithetical to the giving of thanks), the Feats of Strength (simultaneously wrestling with your father and the repercussions of an insecurely attached relationship) and the Festivus pole ($30 on Google Shopping). This beautiful, secular holiday is for those who are weary of the cheap commercial feel of Hanukkah and Christmas. “A Festivus for the Rest of Us!” is the traditional greeting, normally exchanged between successful, attractive people with good teeth. Such is the quality of the holiday. All over the world, the people who celebrate Festivus have fond memories of the first time they learned about it. Charlie Nolan ’14 told The Blowfish, “Some of my fondest childhood memories involve eating ice cream at my grandmother’s house and watching ‘Seinfeld.’ When I saw the Festivus episode, it spoke to me. I was like ‘heck yeah!’ (I was only eight after all). We look forward to the magic of Christmas all year long, but then it comes and goes as quickly as a standard CNN news cycle. It’s crushingly disappointing. And what do we have to comfort us? Sure, Martin Luther King Jr. Day is great, but it can get a bit preachy. Anyways, Festivus is the kind of pragmatic holiday we could benefit from.” So, what is Kwanzaa? What is Kwanzaa ... Kwanzaa is a nationally celebrated holiday relating to African culture. It involves something that looks like a menorah, but it might have less candles than an actual menorah. We’re not actually sure, because we haven’t seen one. This secular or non-secular holiday is celebrated by anywhere between hundreds and millions of individuals. Thanks is generally given for something; use your discretion. It takes place between December and January but it can continue into February. That’s Black History month, isn’t it? Be sure to wish all your friends a very enjoyable Kwanzaa! Happy winter holiday season, The Brandeis Chaplaincy
What is your ideal Christmas gift?
“My parents back together” -Your Little Cousin
“An actual tree” -Charlie Brown
“Some myrrh would be nice.” -Jesus
“To get my picture in The Blowfish.” -Herbie Rosen
“Really, anything!” -Idealist
Leo: July 23 - August 23 Check your mail. You never know when you are going to get a care package from home or when your bank is going to send you a statement (although that is usually every month). Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - Stop taking long-cuts to avoid Rabb steps. You’re not going to get the girls if they think you don’t have stamina.
Libra: September 24 - October 23 - You’re running low on toner. Just thought you should know.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - My mom always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” so … yeah. Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - Soon finals will be over, and you can finally finish writing your masterpiece romantic thriller “All’s Quiet in Bed with Spies.” Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - Siri thinks she knows everything because she’s programmed that way. You have no such programming so you have no excuse, smart ass.
“I really just want to hear about what you got, and you know, compare.” -Frienemy
Happy unspecified holidays from The blowfish?
Special Thanks Dave Coulier Alex Norris Editors
Dan Tassone Jesse Appell
Abbie Kagan Stacy Handler
Yael Katzwer Michael Chernin Gordy Stillman Adam Lapetina Elly Kalfus (AWOL)
Sam Mintz Paul Gale Audrey Stout (AWOL) Scott Oglesby
Yo’chai Re’em YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
That’s it for this year! Check back with us next semester.
PAGE 3- COULIER
Too Coulier for school, but not for Brandeis Catching Up with Comedian Dave Coulier
Recently, when The Blowfish was supposed to be writing this issue, its staff instead was romping through the Internet, enjoying the colorful and mostly inappropriate things they found. This merry band of writers stumbled upon a tumblr all about Dave Coulier or, more aptly, all about one picture of Dave Coulier that has been posted again and again, every fucking day. After a quick perusal of Coulier’s official website, The Blowfish saw that his e-mail was listed. Shooting back whiskey to calm our nerves, these intrepid reporters sent him an e-mail. “Well, that’s the end of that,” they thought but, lo and behold, Coulier responded. One thing led to another and The Blowfish got an exclusive interview with Coulier. Now that was one memorable night. For those of you who live under a rock and/or did not have a childhood, Dave Coulier is the bad-ass who played Uncle Joey on “Full House,” is well-known for his voice work and is a successful stand-up comedian. And, for those of you doubting this, let me put your minds at ease. THIS IS FOR REAL. THIS IS THE BLOWFISH’S REAL INTERVIEW WITH DAVE COULIER. THE BLOWFISH DID NOT MAKE THIS UP! Blowfish: Who are your comedy heroes? Dave Coulier: Jackie Gleason and George Carlin are my comedy heroes. Jackie Gleason still makes me laugh whenever I watch old “Honeymooners” episodes. His facial expressions, body movement, timing, delivery—all genius. And George Carlin was the ultimate wordsmith. He could make us think about things in a way that we never thought [about them] before. BF: What’s your favorite comedy show currently on TV and what is it doing right? What is your least favorite comedy show? DC: I really like “Bill Maher,” “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report.” They talk about current issues and all three of them (regardless of their political affiliation) are so great at what they do. I’m not a fan of reality shows. But then again, those aren’t really “comedy” shows, are they? BF: Does Bob Saget make you as uncomfortable as he makes us? DC: Only when I’m trying to go to the bathroom and he wants to talk to me about something serious. I love Bob. We’ve known each other since I was 18. BF: How should a comedian deal with hecklers?
Theory.” And me? I ended up on some obscure TV series raising three little girls with two men. BF: What is your favorite impression to do? DC: I like doing very obscure impressions. Right now my favorites are several characters from “Napoleon Dynamite” and Bob Einstein (the Marty Funkhouser character from “Curb Your Enthusiasm”). BF: Does free will exist, and who is your favorite Pokémon? DC: Of course free will exists! I don’t know … the blue one? BF: We know you probably get this question a lot but we want to lay the rumors to rest. Is it true that you are the inspiration for Justin Bieber’s smash hit, “U Smile”? DC: Yes, I am. I’m also the inspiration for “My Adidas” by Run DMC and several songs by Coolio (who else!). BF: Do you think there’s a “wrong way” to go about approaching stand-up comedy? DC: My only advice to anyone who’s just starting is that you need to find your true identity on stage. In the beginning, we all emulate someone; I emulated Robin Williams. I found that I had a lot more comedic freedom being me. BF: Did Uncle Joey ever do any impressions that were too subversive for family television?
DC: Yes. I once did an impression of a pair of talking underpants. It kind of looked like the DC: Have fun with them. An talking hat in “Harry Potter”—but a lot dirtier. audience wants to have fun and laugh. Your job as a comedian is BF: “Full House” was about three men who to give them that experience. If lived together in San Francisco and raised a you let them know that it’s not family. Is that legal? fun, you’ve just shot yourself in the foot. You have to remember DC: I think it was legal then and is still legal that when you’re standing in now. Bob (Saget) and John (Stamos) and I used front of an audience, you have to make jokes about that all the time. Although, the power. Don’t let the heckler if John and Bob asked me to move-in with them remove you from power. You today, I still would. can dismantle them just as easy with a joke and smile on your Print this out 365 times and you’ll have a year’s BF: You were on “The Surreal Life” when face. In other words: Don’t Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen fell in stoop to their level. worth of his tumblr love. Did that experience change your view on love forever? What effect did Charo’s breasts have on BF: What is the most beautiful thing you have expeyour view of love? rienced today? DC: Looking out the window and seeing that my 14-year-old yellow lab can still take a crap. BF: How did you get your start in comedy? DC: I started in grade school, writing sketches and parodies with my friend, Mark Cendrowski. I could always mimic teachers, students, friends, coaches, etc. Mark’s dad gave us an 8mm camera and we used to shoot funny movies, like “The Coke Addict” about a kid who was addicted to Coca Cola. I was always the actor and Mark was the director. I’d say it worked out OK for both of us—he’s one of the most successful directors in television and directs “The Big Bang
DC: Brigitte Nielsen would walk around “The Surreal Life” house naked. She’s a large, tall woman! It was like seeing a telephone pole with two pumpkins attached. Charo’s breasts blocked my view of love for several “Surreal Life” episodes. BF: Why do you think www.samepicofdavecoulier.tumblr.com is such a successful blog? DC: It’s so simple and so dumb that it’s brilliant. How long do you think they’ll keep posting that? BF: We don’t know, Dave, but we hope the answer is forever.
PAGE 4- POLITICS
Gettin’ Jiggy wit Mitt BY CARLOS FORRESTER
Heating up the Republican Primary
Perfect for Small Parties
Why no Asians? We asked. “It’s simple, really,” our source told us. We all know that politicians will often have that one smoking-hot “It’s his fun time, but all these girls seem to want to talk about is his aide to help them through the rough patches of the campaign. But many who have seen the steely-eyed death stare of Mitt Romney massive election.” While some might suggest that Romney’s attracmight wonder if the former Massachusetts govertion to multiple women is due to his religious affilianor has any ardor at all. Indeed, at recent tour aptions, our source waved his hand. “No, I don’t think pearances in Iowa, EMTs rushed the stage to rescue it’s more of a ‘More, man!’ thing than a Mormon Romney, assuming that he had gone catatonic, only thing.” The staffer did confirm that the laundry mato discover that the Republican candidate had simchines were running night and day because of all the ply blinked. But, as Blowfish reporters have disspecial underwear they had to clean. covered, Mitt Romney is only cold and calculating In responses to those who claim that using these outside the bedroom. Or, in the words of one camgirls’ bodies, time and dignity for personal gain is impaign staffer, “That man doesn’t have an aide. He moral, Romney’s staffer asserts that in actuality it is has aides!” just capitalism. “These girls would normally be getThe steamy windows of the campaign bus and the strange bestial noises that have issued forth from ting fucked by the capitalist system and have no job. Now, they are getting fucked by one of the winners of it in recent days have now been retroactively exthe capitalist system, and we call it a job.” plained. In a tell-all exclusive Blowfish interview, “The ladies love me. I just hope Romney refused to respond to attempts to contact a senior member of Romney’s campaign assured the voters will, too.” him directly but, after some lubrication and a stroke our reporter that Romney’s extreme discomfort (or two, or three, or a hundred) of good luck, our inwith the locals disappears when the bedroom door trepid reporter managed to get some words out of him. closes. “There are a lot of blondes in Iowa that you can tell are dumb Do you believe in your ability to fix the economy? “Oh, fuck yes!” right when they open their mouths,” the staffer confessed, “but what he replied. Mitt is doing with these girls could hardly be described as talking. “In fact, it could most definitely not be described as talking,” our Do you want the responsibility that comes with being president? “Give it to me, Baby!” he said. source clarified. Clearly, all it might take to create a Utopia in America might be to “It’s sex,” he concluded. turn every inch of this country into a bed, a woman or both. The normally frosty Romney takes all comers, except for Asians.
Cain Train Makes it Rain Herman Cain gets in the holiday spirit to raise campaign funds
BY ESTHER FRIED In attempt to raise holiday cheer and reWears a beret vitalize an unsteady campaign, former presidential candidate Herman Cain announced last week that he would begin selling “Herman’s Candy Cains” this month. “Just call me Herman ‘Candy’ Cain,” he announced as he gazed into the eyes of a random woman who kept glancing around to make sure he was indeed staring at her. “Everyone wants to lick my candy cane and place it in their mouth! It’s delicious, sweet and contains no artificial ingredients. Except Xiloteuber 47, but that’s in everything these days.” Cain then went on to describe the dimensions of the Candy Cains: “They will be 9 inches long and 9 inches in diameter, just like my penis.” “What was that?” asked a horrified woman in the crowd. “Nothing!” Cain replied. “Stop putting words in my mouth. I said that they will be 9 inches, like my pension, which is a document related to finances. Finances are related to income, and income is related to taxes. 9-9-9, people, 9-9-9!!! No more questions.” Candy Cains went on sale last week, much to nearly everyone’s chagrin and Bill Clinton’s amused chuckle. Unfortunately, there were numerous complaints about the taste of the Candy Cains. Those who were brave enough to buy the product complained that they could detect the faint taste of tomato paste mixed with second-hand smoke. A brief investigation revealed that this was due to the fact that this holiday treat was produced in the same Bangledeshi factory that produced Godfather’s Pizzas. Presidential candidate Rick Perry also tried to get in on the holiday fun with much less success. He introduced “Perry Pops,” but they seemed to miss the point of the holiday theme. He also repeated an embarrassing gaffe during his promotional tour when he kept forgetting the name of the third pop’s flavor (it was the EPA, and it tasted like smog). When asked if he would raise funds with candy, Mitt Romney responded “Hahaha no, I don’t like anything that makes children smile ... other than corporate paychecks.”
How the Gingrinch Stole Christmas
’Twas the night before elections And all of Georgia was sleeping With guns under their pillows For Democrats acreeping. And on the dark streets Old Newt was out stalking, Breaking decorations And stealing kids’ stockings, Shattering ornaments And cheating the tax code, Stealing from charities, Devouring Rocky Road.
Don’t worry, Cindy Lu Hu, Gingrich probably won’t be president
So then, what happened Back in the day? To make Newt Gingrich Feel this way? What caused his grumpy, grouchy demeanor? Did he inhale a bit of bathroom-stall cleaner? His contempt was surely prompted by somethin’ That changed this southern belle to mean country bumpkin? It all began one Christmas night When Newt and his mommy had a big fight “Christmas cookies are for Santa!” “NO! No! They’re mine,” he wailed and bantered. Since then he swore To the kids in the world To eat all the cookies In his constituencies So now his office is stacked high and wide, Some Entenmann’s boxes with goodies inside, All for Newt, the Red elephant himself, Not sharing with boys, nor girls, nor Christmas elves. And that’s why Republicans don’t like to compromise.
PAGE 5- P.S.
Happy White Ghetto Christmas, Bitch!
Eminem sends us an exclusive track for this Holiday Season BY EMINEM
Enjoys Walt Whitman
A’ight listen up, this rap is crazy as shit, I’m back with this gentile holiday hit. You think Christmas ain’t hood? Well suck a dick, Better yet, give my big candy cane a lick. I’m dreaming of a poor, angry, white Christmas, Chestnuts roasting on your grandmama’s broke ass. It’s as cool as talkin’ about your bitch-ass wife excessively Or rappin’ about your homosexual attraction to Dre obsessively. But I got mad hos jumpin’ up in my sleigh; I jingle balls all day with my man Doc Dre. And I never even had Christmas because my mom is shit, If it was a bottle of whiskey then maybe she’d remember it. Pull a Santa Clause on Kim, put that bitch in my sack, Throw her down a chimney, now who has the last laugh. Yeah ... that’s right, I’m morbid as hell! If you ever cross me I’ll throw your ass down a well. Santa gave me coal, I gave him a black eye, He jacked my milk and cookies so I made him beg to die. La-la-la, to grandmama’s house I go, Bring my ho, steal her dough, gangstah flow and make it snow. Strippers workin’ that north pole, payin’ their way through college. Your trailer home next to mine? Shit looks like ga’bage. You wanna sing “Don we now our gay apparel”? I’ll shoot you in the face with my double-barrel. Frosty the Snowman needed a magic hat, Make me come to life and gimme a gat. If I was Jewish I’d be playin’ with my dreidel, Bitch don’t take my gelt or it could be fatal. And you’re screamin’ “Aww Shady, where’s the chorus, where’s the hook?” Fuck you, man. It’s time to close the book.
5 Tips for Graduating Early 1. Make sure you’re not just quitting school by mistake. Did you check your status on Sage? I mean, did you really check? We don’t mean to be condescending, but you’ve been putting off that QR requirement for every semester since you got here. We hope you finally made your way to Coiner. 2. Subtly slip your graduation status into every conversation. Let’s face it, it’s kind of cool that you’re getting out of here a semester early. Why not remind everyone else of your good fortune? Someone complaining that they have to get up early. “Yeah, I’ve got to head out early too ... six months early!” Your friend talking about her summer plans? “That sounds like fun. Maybe I can do that in February and tell you what it’s like.” Professor threatening you with a bad grade? “You better be nice to me, I’m gonna be an alum tomorrow! Do you want my donation dollars?!” 3. Nab all the jobs before your friends get their dirty hands on them. It’s a tough job market out there, why not get a head start on your search? The sooner you start, the sooner you can give up and try taking those LSATs one more time. 4. Stay in shape so you can still physically walk at graduation in May. Sure you’re graduating early, but everyone knows you’ll be back to walk with your fellow classmates in May. That is ... if you can physically get off the couch. We know how tempting it is to stuff your face with Nutella every day while you watch “The Price Is Right,” but this lifestyle might be hard to combat without your access to Gosman. Promise you’ll spend 15 minutes a day on the Wii Fit, OK? 5. Make sure your parents are aware of your plans. Parents are easily confused; you wouldn’t want them to unnecessarily pay another semester’s tuition. Or, on second thought, make them think you are transferring and have them write a check to the new school, which you have actually just made up, because your new bank account is under that name. Just a thought if you’re having trouble finding a job.
PAGE 6- P.S. 99. “Revenge of the ___” 100. Multiple copies of Hitchcock’s 1958 film 101. Set straight 102. Ten, in binary 103. Soldier for hire 104. Baltimore bird 105. Part of A.D. 106. Golf peg, use to tie up limbs? (2 wds.) 107. Soggy fisherman’s tool? (2 wds.) 108. Txts, e.g. 109. Put in map close-ups (2 wds.) 110. Lays down the law (2 wds.)
Holiday TV Thanksgiving traditions meets prime-time programming! Across Clues 1. Protected from the sun 7. “Okay, back to work!” 16. Prejudice 20. Space rocks 21. “Unlike other books, Frankenstein is ____ original” (2 wds.) 22. Poentially offensive, briefly 23. World heritage site overseers, abbr. 24. Born French, Spanish treasure? (3 wds.) 25. Wine-producing valley 26. Gassy discharge 27. Recog.’s a minister’s house? (2 wds) 28. “___ my wit’s end!” (2 wds.) 29. Between ports 30. Prima donna’s solo (2 wds.) 32. “Little we see in Nature that ___” (2 wds.) 34. Holiday roast meets Elle Woods flick? 37. Okla., before 1907 38. Printing paper size, specifically 17½ inches by 22½ inches 39. K-5, schoolwise 40. Mid-6th-century date 42. British sailor 45. “The law is ___...,” said Dickens (2 wds.) 47. One who works in an auction house (2 wds.)
49. Those, in Madrid 50. Shirt size, abbr. 51. What symbols like “@” stand for 53. Official from Law&Order, say (2 wds.) 54. “Prince ___” (“Aladdin” song) 55. Get-out-of-jail money 56. To me: Fr. (2 wds.) 57. Jewish rite 59. Relatives’ meal meets TBS cooking and entertainment show? 66. Forest growth Plural suffix with “bass” and “ball” 68. “___ on Down the Road” 69. Bristle 70. Rum-soaked desserts 73. Do sums 74. Affirmative vote 75. Six-stringed instrument 76. Laissez-faire economist (2 wds.) 80. Cutting remark 82. Helsinki residents 83. U.S. currency 84. Shutout symbols in a sports game 85. Makes out in public, abbr. 87. Band with the hit “Barbie Girl” 89. Site where the pilgrims landed meets Sylvester Stallone movie? 95. “I’d like to propose ___....” (2 wds.) 96. “If you wanna know how shoes feel, you have _____!” (3 wds.) 97. ___ way, shape or form (2 wds.)
Down Clues 1. Diving equipment 2. Adjective that politicans lack 3. ‘Soul’ to 4 down, with Romanian currency? 4. French philosopher 5. How you make ‘a-sketch’? 6. Mich. classical music group 7. President Acheampong 8. Painted with rouges 9. Specific group of wise ones (2 wds.) 10. Polite response to an older woman (2 wds.) 11. In no uncertain terms 12. Description of multiple empty sets (2 wds.) 13. “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” 70’s singer 14. Ancient Greek stringed instrument 15. First privately funded plane to go into the universe beyond Earth, abbr. 16. Cause for a trip to the podiatrist 17. Confused (3 wds.) 18. Dressed 19. Emulates Ella Fitzgerald 30. Above, to a poet 31. What the ancient Egyptians built many of 32. “Where is the life that late ___?” Kiss Me Kate song (2 wds.) 33. When procrastinators get around to doing it 35. Car starter 36. Sandwich order, abbr. 41. Investment vehicle, for short 42. Book part 43. Cuba, por ejemplo 44. Injure 46. “___ want for Christmas ...” (2 wds.) 47. The Far East 48. “___ that’s it!” (2 wds.) 50. Verbalizes 51. Adjust 52. Rocky peaks
55. Blooms 56. “With a wink and ___...” (2 wds.) 57. Girl whose party it is, for short? (2 wds.) 58. Level, in London 60. Religious leader 61. Biblical ark builder 62. Close 63. Conceited 64. Victory cheer! (2 wds.) 65. Makes pictures bigger, abbr. 70. Not good 71. Ratifications 72. Voting 75. Capacity for survival 77. Like some points 78. Debtor’s note 79. Walked unsteadily 80. Garden fence not in the front? (2 wds.) 81. Invite trouble (3 wds.) 82. “Hope” or “truth” ending 85. Continue ranting (2 wds.) 86. Quantities of medicine 88. Scrabble word meaning African tea leaves 90. Louts 91. The first car produced by German brand at the turn of the 20th century? 92. Emphatic affirmative (2 wds.) 93. They make you cry 94. Slants 95. Alicia Keys’ third concert tour, name after her third album, of the same title (3 wds.) 98. “Pick a number from ___ ten” (2 wds.) 100. Flew in the formation of geese 101. Length times width 103. N.Y.C. subway inits. 104. Pained sounds Soulutions to “Scary Singles”
Infinite Plane with Plain Einstein’s gets Physics-cal
The closely-connected worlds of fast-food service and theoretical Still, students have been awakened to the idea that other coffee chains could physics have been rocked these past few months with the poinhabit the space that the current shop occupies. Indeed, the concestential discovery of quarks that exceeded the speed of light. sions contract has been under siege by competitors. The Blowfish Physics majors were amazed by the potential impact of the recently obtained through semi-legal methods (our reporter was experiment, but all other students (read: people with lives) inolder than 18, but the employee who gave her the records didn’t stantly asked the next obvious question: What does that mean think she was) the list of coffee chains that might take Einstein’s for campus hub spot Einstein’s Bros. Bagels? place. Heisenberg’s Coffee is a prime contender, though their qual“Einstein’s theory having flaws certainly explains the cofity was highly uncertain: Customers reported that they could only fee I had this morning,” Jamie Breuggenburger ’14 opined. “I ever know their exact place in line or how fast the line was moving, thought it tasted a bit weak. Then I put it through a battery of but never both. Additionally, Aramark is considering J.J. Ruthertests and determined it actually was too weak; there were too ford’s, or J. J.’s for short. Focus groups responded poorly to the many weak nuclear forces at work and the strong force was product choices available, however, as the chain specializes in plum nowhere to be found.” pudding, which scientific results have confirmed is super gross. After searching for what seemed like a lifetime, The Blowfish Additionally, there were several misheard sentences to the tune of managed to track down Aramark representative Tyler Higgs“Gonna grab my girlfriend and go down to the J.J.’s.” A third canBoson. Aramark, who runs the concession, defended their “Neils’,” was simply described as “a bore.” “The muffins weren’t this didate, choice of chain restaurant. “What students need to realize is There is, however, a potential super-collision of legal issues that Einstein’s is still relatively better than most of the other good at the patent office” threatening the transfer of stores. “If there really are violations of coffee chains out there,” Higgs-Boson said. “It’s certainly betthe laws of physics occurring, then Einstein’s is hardly to blame,” ter than that Newton’s Cradle coffeehouse we had before Einstein’s. But, said Blowfish legal advice columnist Liza Hurr. “There is an intense gravity we’re always on the lookout for the next big thing. The next big legitito the situation. These court processes could potentially suck the entire coffee mate thing, that is. We didn’t bite on String Theory Coffeehouse.” chain down into a black hole of bankruptcy.”