VOLUME IX, ISSUE 1
NOW IN GRAY-SCALE!
Bio-Feedback! Page 2 Roommate First Impressions! Page 3 A Cappella Guide! Page 3 Angsty Absentees! Page 4
Today: Ready to be seized. Tomorrow: Just a day away.
Inside This Issue VANITY NEWS:
First-year makes it clear that he was also wait-listed at Tufts Page Student #801
PHILOSOPHY NEWS: STUDY: Nihilism among college students at an all time why Page Uncertain
FAMILY NEWS: SPONSORED: Jonah Goldman ‘15 forgot to kiss his grandmother goodbye Page (212)-459-NANA
Student shops 15 classes on mistaken assumption that higher education is “buy one, get one half off” Page 50% off
Graduating senior to grandma: “...I don’t know, what are you doing next year?” Page Class of 2012
JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: Why is frozen yogurt better than ice cream? A: Because it’s cultured! NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: Once you’ve introduced yourself to the same person for the fifth time, you can probably cross that person off your “Potential Besties” list.
Questions? Comments? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org!
September 5, 2011
Hurricane Turns Awful Dorm Into Safe, Awful Dorm One Family Waits Out the Storm in Shapiro Basement
This past week, Hurricane Irene antly surprised to find the bathroom had bathtubs, which they changed forever from simply being a promptly filled with drinking water to tide them over until Staff Writer family nickname for your great-aunt after the storm had passed, as per FEMA procedure. to the name of the infamous storm When Styper’s roommate Hunter Berkawitz arrived of the summer. One first-year from the Jersey Shore, whose on Monday, the hurricane delay move-in date, he was more home was under mandatory evacuation, decided that rather than a little surprised to see his bed occupied by hundreds of than relocate to a state-sponsored shelter, which are only cans of condensed milk and packets of salt. Berkawitz was filled with old, sick already upset that people and neurotic he’d missed the firstpregnant women, he year ice cream social and his family would (one of only five free wait out the storm in ice cream events his Shapiro Garden during orientation), Level (basement) and the scene really dorm room. put a damper on his After remove-in experience. membering all the He told The Blowimportant facts their fish in an exclusive tour guide told them interview: “What last April, Adam the fuck, this kid and Styper ’15, his mothhis family have been er, his father, his living under my bed younger sister and and on the top shelf his golden retriever, of my closet? Who Rusty, figured there goes to college to wasn’t any safer spend more time place than within with their family? the confines of the And why couldn’t sturdy cinder blocks they have taken shelput into place by the ter in the Tunnel of famed architect of Oppression?” A family seeks shelter in this mold-infest wasteland the St. Louis Arch, New findings Erro Saarinen. Arrivindicate that the ing at Brandeis earliStyper family may er than originally planned, the Styper family’s white minivan not have been under an evacuation order at all. Instead, they (a.k.a. Blanche) was filled to the brim with items purchased at may have just used the early move-in as an opportunity to Bed, Bath & Beyond. go on a memorable family vacation. Berkawitz has put in a Barricading the so-called “windows” of the ground- request to Community Living to change rooms citing as the level room with kosher trays from Sherman Dining Hall, main reason: “It’s like a can of sardines in here!” Community the Stypers set up camp in Shapiro 009. They were pleas- Living refused to comment.
BY DANIEL PIPES
Truth-Stretching Nose No Limit A Tourguide’s Lies Finally Catch Up to Him
tony fibers and singeing his one chest hair. Naturally, his After working as a tour doctor said this was a result of the uncommonly hot sumguide at Brandeis this mer, an unfortunate side effect of global warming. summer, Ari Cohen ’12 Cohen could not have known that he was actually has grown personally, professionally and most notably nasuffering from a disease sally. It all started one known as Pinocchio day in mid-June when Talon Syndrome-DisCohen was talking to a order, or PTSD, which prospective student about occurs when a patient Sherman dining hall and tells too many lies, and found himself uttering the results in his smeller phrase, “There is so much growing, sometimes to excellent food here.” Sudepic proportions. denly, a mysterious growth In its most extreme appeared at the tip of his form, PTSD can be nose. Cohen dismissed it quite serious. For some as a pimple. The followthis summer, the presing week he announced sure of this occupationon a tour: “The commuter al hazard was too much rail schedule is really conto bear. One tour guide venient,” after which his was reduced to a shivernose swelled and puffed ing, huddled mass caup. “How odd,” Cohen reening back and forth thought and proceeded in the corner mutterwith the rest of the tour. ing, “Brandeis is great. During the course No problems” over and of the next few weeks, his over as his nose rhythnose kept protruding in increasingly odd ways and “Did you know the copper used for this building comes from the mically thumped the scraps of the Statue of LIberty?” floor. For obvious reain conjunction with statesons, this student asked ments such as: “Sports are that his name not be released. Here’s a clue though: His really popular at Brandeis,” “The housing lottery isn’t a big initials are A.E., for Alex Edison ’13. Damn! Too late. deal at all” and “That girl’s a pyromaniac.” By July, Cohen’s We can’t go backward, only forward—TO PROGRESS! nose had distended so far that his glasses needed to be refitDespite its enormous growth, Cohen’s new schnoz ted, and friends refused to hug him for fear that an embrace went relatively unnoticed on move-in day. There was would result in the loss of an eye—or worse. simply too much going on: friends who had not seen each By the end of the summer, Cohen’s nose had grown so other in months finally got to see that cute new haircut or long that small animals started using it as a high dive, and a that really ugly new haircut. Most students were too busy cricket named Jiminy began following him around trying to speculating about what happened to Rebecca Rabinowteach him the difference between right and wrong, not unlike itz’s deviated septum to care about yet another BrandeiCohen’s philosophy professor. sian with an uncommonly large nose. Other strange things started happening, too. Every time Cohen wore a Brandeis t-shirt bearing the Brandeis seal, the word “truth” became flaming hot, burning through the cot-
BY GLADYS CRAYFIELD Likes cantaloupe
PAGE 2- OPINION
Letter from the Body
BlowScopes Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars... Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - Be cognizant of the fact that if you press insert in Microsoft Word you will overwrite the letters that you have already typed. This can be frustrating but the way out is to press insert again and this will make it stop. Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - You will learn how to read, and then all of this will make sense.
Aries: March 20 - April 20 - Beware of large crowds and the musical stylings of The Village People. Flash mob. Tuesday.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21 Go ahead and buy that fancy perfume you’ve been eyeing. You deserve it.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21 The guilt is taking its toll on you and you don’t even know what you’ve done.
The Blowfish checks in with the ol’ bag of bones Dear Brain, Hey there, this is your body. Thought it was time for a check-in. How have you been? We’ve had a pretty relaxing summer, haven’t we? I know it’s been a while since we’ve had a formal chat but I could really use your attention right now. To be honest, I would have liked your attention last Saturday when we were hanging out with our ex, but you kinda dropped the ball on that one. I’m not blaming you for the herpes, I’m just saying that I rely on you for all kinds of important decisions. Take your decision to spend another semester at Brandeis, for example. Hey I get it, Brandeis suits you well. I always notice how vibrant you are after a stimulating hour with Professor Sarna. But let’s think for a second about the damage you’re doing to me in the process. First of all, I couldn’t help but notice your decision to take “First Aid and CPR” as a P.E. course. Does that require any physical activity? While I’m not setting any records for speed, agility or endurance, couldn’t you have at least picked something like “Dance Dance Revolution?” It’s just kind of embarrassing. I also see that you didn’t sign up for any classes in Upper Campus this semester. Are we really at the point where we’re choosing our classes based on the locations of stairs? You’re worse than those tubby adults on the spaceship in “Wall-E.” Save the excuse that it was “just a coincidence,” you’re an English major! To be honest, I don’t think that Brandeis even has the necessary resources to take proper care of me. When we’re home, waste disposal feels like a day at the spa! I honestly thought you were wiping our tush with a newborn lamb for the first few weeks back at home. My fears about dinner at Taco Bell are actually a thing of the past. In fact, I revel at the opportunity to spend some quality time with that vixen colloquially known as Charmin Ultra Soft. When we’re at Brandeis, however, I’m only given what feels like the scraps of a failed Papier-Mache sculpture. Is that what they’re giving you to make the campus more green? It’s too far if you ask me! So Brain, I know that it’s too late to back out from another semester at Brandeis, but please think about the future. I noticed that you want to study abroad next semester. That’s great! But please, think about me before you apply to that Club Med program in the Bahamas. Always Yours, Body
What was the highlight of your summer?
Cancer: June 22 - July 22 For God’s sake—just relax and be cool! Don’t blow this!
Leo: July 23 - August 23 - If you see a dog, try petting it because dogs are really nice animals. If you give it a hug or some food, maybe it will be your friend.
“Having you on me.” -The Beach
Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - Hell is real and you are on the path to its eternal fires. Turn away from sin before it is too late. “All ye who sin shall lose the privilege of ice cream and be forced to imbibe ice cream soup.”
Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - You should invest in quality sharpies. Sharpies are super useful which will make you happy. Ultimately, it’s all about the simple things in life. Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - The cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber will be a hilarious edition to your dorm... until it comes to life.
“It wasn’t a good year for me or my family.” -Frosty the Snowman
“Going to Six Flags. Everything was just...simpler.” -Ban Ki-moon
“The increase in tempo at 7:45.” -Vivaldi
Libra: September 24 - October 23 - You have so many people to please, but you have to start by pleasing yourself...in whatever way you decide.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - Remember the secret handshake, otherwise you won’t be able to get into that speakeasy party this weekend.
“Lovin’” -Danny Zuko
“Crikey, that was six months ago!” -Australian
Do you have a Category 5 hurricane brewing in your head?
Jesse Appell Abbie Kagan
Daniel Tassone Stacy Handler
Yael Katzwer Ben Swartz Gordy Stillman
Elly Kalfus (AWOL) Paul Gale Audrey Stout (AWOL)
YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
Then stay away from windows! Also, come to the Blowfish Brainstorming meeting TONIGHT September 5 at 9 pm in SCC 315: We want you if you can Write, Edit, Photoshop, Tap Dance, or anything else you think is fun or funny!
NEWS- PAGE 3
Resolved: Wanda and Michelle were randomly assigned to be roommates for the entirety of this year. Are they destined to become best friends and braid each others hair every Thursday night? Or will they despise each other with bitter contentment until one drives the other to madness?
I just got back from the new renovations of Charles River, and let me tell you, it’s great! Believe me, this is a long ways up from the fetid cesspool people lived in last year. If you can even call it living, that… it was more like surviving. I had a BFF who pitted herself in a Darwinian struggle against her room that grew mold better than a Petri dish and had its own weather system. But none of that now! The walls are newly painted—I didn’t even know such a shade of white existed!—and all the desks have been replaced with new ones that have hard, flat surfaces. Before, when we wanted to store ice cream, we used to dig trenches in the cold, unforgiving tundra that blanketed the floor-regions of the room. Now, they have this newfangled box we can put the ice cream in, and even a tri-divot electricity-hole in the wall! I’m not saying Grad is heaven—Ridgewood is—but anyone living there can expect to be physically aroused by how much better off they are than those who came before. ~Wanda Machiatto
I honestly can’t say much about the renovations, so my opinion might be flawed. All I really know is that there is a bed, and that the bed is more comfortable than a slab of concrete, because I also passed out on a slab of concrete while trying to trek the three miles uphill to Rabb for my classes through a snowstorm. Seriously, they should have renovated the building and added in one of those Futuramastyle tube transport systems, or at the very least some sort of airport moving conveyor-belt thingy, because it doesn’t matter if the paint is new if I can’t see the paint over the wild hallucinations brought on by the physical stress of attending classes on a semi-regular basis. So come on, ResLife, we know you’ve got a giant crane somewhere and Sachar Woods is just sitting there minding its own business. How about we let the squirrels all pile into a double and make life easier for all of us? ~Michelle Morgan-Freeman
To A Cappella or Not Cappella Jewish Fella A Cappella
Pro: You can bring them home to Bubbe. Con: Their talent is not equal to their level of schtick.
Rather Be Giraffes
Your guide to Brandeis’s favorite pastime
Pro: It’s the a cappella group Barbra Streisand would be in. Con: It’s the a cappella group Barbra Streisand would be in.
Pro: Makes the ladies swoon. Con: Makes grandmas swoon as well.
Voices of Soul
Pro: The unathletic will finally have a mascot. Con: Giraffes are silent.
Pro: Hipster cred. Con: Isn’t it obvious?
Pro: Let out your inner Aretha Franklin out, Ilana Rosenbloom! Con: People always questioning why you don’t look Korean.
Pro: Great chance to practice your Hebrew accent. Con: Don’t type into google!
Too Cheap For Instruments
Pro: Good for those on a college budget. Con: Also too cheap for clothing. Hope you’re comfortable with your body image.
Pro: First ever Jewish supreme court a cappella group. Con: Justice robes are hard to shake your booty in.
Pro: All you can sing! Con: More isn’t always better.
Pro: One man powerhouse. Con: There’s only one member.
The Choral J. Shapiros
Pro: Very well-funded. Con: Every member must be named Shapiro.
Target the one who pushes your buttons (and not in a good way) To the boy with the yellow baseball cap on the ’DeisBike: I see you quite often as I walk to class, but you zoom by and don’t even notice me. I know you don’t notice me because you nearly run me off of the path every time. You’re a douche. I hope you wipe out. To the girl at the next table who constantly talks too loudly about her boyfriend: We get it already. You have a boyfriend. To the guy who sits in front of me in Econ and goes on Facebook: Don’t you think it’s a little inappropriate that your profile picture features you in a bathtub surrounded by bottles of beer?
To the girl who has been flirting with me for all of orientation: I hope you’re not going to pull this shit for the next four years, because you know I will never seal the deal. I am a fragile person with low self-esteem and I need to be held as often as possible. So don’t be an asshole and please give me a real hug. To the freshman wearing that fine-ass lanyard: Daaaaammmnnnn! You look FINE in that fine-ass lanyard.
PAGE 4- P.S. 7. Halley of comet fame 8. Catch some rays 9. Sign of spring 10. ____-Rooter 11. Adolescent 13. Sanyo founder 16. Region 17. Past tense of 17 Across 19. “Point of No Return” duo 21. Rather, informally 22. Hebrew Letter 24. Ode title starter 26. Tex-Mex menu choice 27. USNA grad 31. Mudder, but not fodder 32. Fashion 33. ____ salts 35. Certain Prot. 36. Hosp. scan 39. Wheat, in Dijon 40. How one might eat fried worms 43. Deﬁnitive manuals 44. Emporium 45. Monopoly buy 47. Equal 48. Very small shoe size 50. Quotable Evan 51. U.S. accident investigator 52. Sufﬁx with expert 54. Spanish king 56. Consumed 57. Tiny
Hurricanes and Famous Dames A tribute to famous catastrophies that have destroyed everything in their path, and famous
Across 1. Similie Center 4. Arthur of Tennis 8. Like lemons 12. 2,000 pounds 13. “____ dead?” (‘60’s query) 14. Indonesia’s ____ Islands 15. To a sickening degree var. 17. Join forces 18. “The Awful Truth” ﬂoods NYC last weekend? 20. Long time
21. Dutch painter Jan 23. Alaska natvies 25. Workplace watchdog org. 26. Looks after 28. British cultural inst. 29. Black cuckoo 30. Last car? 34. Largest amusement park in Jp. 35. Navy exams abbr. 36. Up-to-date 37. Muscle contraction chem. 38. (null) 40. Spanish gold 41. Young and others 42. German co-discoverer of calculus 44. Preﬁx with drama 45. Hearth goddess
46. “Excuse me...” 47. Toilet training word 49. “Taxi Driver” destroys Cape Cod? 53. Access 55. Backbreaking event? 58. Bigfoot’s shoe size 59. Rub out 60. Sault ____ Marie 61. Depend (on) 62. Belgrade native 63. Shoebox letters
Soulutions to “Heroes to Some...”
Down 1. ____ glance 2. Turf 3. Movie about Alvie Singer 4. Org. 5. Gibson Model ____ 6. Erich Weiss
‘The Tree of Life’ Inspires Students to Branch Out While students find themselves preoccupied with Although graduate student Hilary Brocha made a similar decision after seeing the stacks of class syllabi and panicked by upcoming film, she says it was the result of a somewhat different interpretation. “Well, the whole tests (a midterm in three weeks?!?), some people movie is an argument for the existence of God, right? I mean, that guy who kept queshave managed to find yet another source of anxiety. Many tioning his faith was so unhappy. And that scene with the of the school’s best and brightest students are not reporting to dinosaurs? Powerful shit, man. Malick went so far to show class. In fact, they haven’t been spotted on campus at all. No, us the potential of God’s power. After receiving his message they weren’t abducted by Somali pirates this time. In fact, a I knew I was meant to quit Brandeis and enter rabbinical small but noticeable group of film connoisseurs have decided school. I bet that film inspired a lot of people to pursue God.” to redefine their life paths after viewing Terrance Malick’s The movie also gave Lisa Breele ’12 the courage to conexistential masterpiece(?) The Tree of Life. front her father and, you guessed it, withdraw from Brandeis. Jeremy Skeeler ’13 had this to say about the film’s impact “I saw so much of my father in Brad Pitt’s character, and on his life: “Well y’know, I really identified with the way that seeing him projected on the screen like that made me realize main dude kept on questioning God. I could really identify the power my dad holds over my life. I always wanted to with him, y’know? And then those dinosaurs came on the go to Hampshire and pursue a degree in Native American screen and I just knew. If God doesn’t even exist, why should Dermatology, but he insisted that I go to a more structured I try to impress Him? I should be like those dinosaurs and school like Brandeis. But I feel like Malick was using those live off the land.” Skeeler says that it was this epiphany that dinosaurs to send me a message. He was saying ‘Lisa, you inspired him to leave Brandeis. “As soon as I left the theater need to appreciate the past. You need to figure out how NaI logged onto Sage and pushed the ‘Eject’ button, which im- A lone dinosaur contemplates his existence tive Americans treated skin diseases, oppressive father be in a cold, cruel world mediately withdraws you from Brandeis. And it’s weird, they damned!’” don’t even ask if you’re sure. You just click it once and you In order to discern the true take-away message for the film, get a letter from President Lawrence explaining that ‘he’s not mad, just very disapwe asked Malick which theory he thought was the most accurate. Unfortunately, he pointed.’” told The Blowfish, “Yes. Exactly.”
BY JEFFREY BENHAM Avoids Watermelon