VOLUME VII, ISSUE 5
Today: Cold in the morning, tolerable in the afternoon, rain likely. Tomorrow: It’s New England, dude, what do you think?
NOW ECO-FRIENDLY: 50% RECYCLED JOKES
Academic Differences Lead to Informed Student Protest
INTERNATIONAL NEWS: Liechtenstein, seeking attention, declares independence from Austria, France, and “All y’all.” Page 1719
VEIL OF IGNORANCE NEWS: Stripper accidentally strips away all preconceptions, forms perfect government. Page 32
HUMANITARIAN NEWS: Zipper breaks; kid still wearing Halloween costume. Page 12 Days
CONFLICT NEWS: Talks between warring dance factions break down Page 1, 2, 1 2 3 4
JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A: It’s not hard! NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: To the people who have been stealing our Tostitos: we know who you are and are currently deciding how best to enjoy your deaths.
Questions? Comments? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org!
C-Store Expansion! Page 2 Israel Weeks Coincide! Page 3 No-Shave November! Page 3 Justice Training! Page 4
Inside This Issue Entire week of Student Events activities hijacked by Somali pirates Page 7
November 11, 2010
vited to campus. Noam Chomsky’s forthcomOne such scholar is Dr. DJ Jazzenstein, a professor of psying speech at Brandeis has chology and cut-rate MC for any events you might be hosting Staff Writer been the object of controversy in the near future. Dr. Jazzenstein has spent his whole life refor nearly a week now. As campus groups froth and foam over futing Chomsky’s work and relishes the chance of facing the whether or not his positions are valid, The Blowfish has been rival academic on home turf. “I think it’s extremely obvious exhaustively interviewthat the campus is behind me ing activists, pacifists on this one,” marveled Dr. and itinerant sign holdJazzenstein. “As I was walkers. What we found was a ing across the windswept campus divided by Noam Shapiro Plains the other day, Chomsky’s controversial several students offered me views in the field of linmessages of encouragement guistics. to the effect of ‘Yeah ProfesJonathan Allen ’13 took sor DJJ, if that bastard tries some time off from carryto do to you what he did to ing a large sign (which Skinner, just tell him he read: Don’t Take My Synshould take his insufficient tax out of Context) and distinction between schools screaming obscenities at of behavioral psychology passersby to speak with and shove it up his ass!’ I was us about his problems immediately comforted.” with Dr. Chomsky. “The Jazzenstein hopes to confront very idea that grammar Chomsky by throwing twocould be universalizeable week-old tomatoes at him. is insulting!” explained The tomatoes, while rotten, There are two kinds of linguists: Allen, flecks of spit formwill nevertheless be 1,326 the anarcho-syndicalist and the dead. ing around his lips. “Intimes newer than the paper sulting not just to me, but Jazzenstein is referring to. to any children I might have, and any children they might Despite the fact that a vast majority of the campus dishave! Not that they have to have children, of course, but it agrees with his linguistic analysis, Chomsky is expected to would be nice to pass the family name down!” draw a large crowd. One student hoping to attend, Sally ArAllen is far from alone in his condemnation of the in- mada ‘14, said it best: “Whether you agree with Chomsky or ternationally-known linguist. At a counter-rally held today, not, it is so exciting to be part of this discussion on linguislinguistics majors, along with both of their friends, protested tics. Academics all around the world are watching to see what against the supposed achievements of Chomsky. Signs were happens here tonight. Isn’t that so much better than if we had printed with such diverse slogans as “Johnson and Lappin him talk about some issue that had nothing to do with his acawere RIGHT,” “Generative grammar? More like DEgenera- demic career? I am proud to be at Brandeis today.” tive Grammar” and “Minimalist Program? More like HorseIn other news, Israel is an apartheid state and the Palestinshit!” Scholars in linguistics and related fields throughout ians aren’t a real people. campus are livid at the very idea that Chomsky would be in-
BY DANIEL PIPES
Drug and Alcohol Committee Gets Wasted First Meeting Considered Unadulterated Success
less to say, it was one fucked-up night. “OK, clearly there was B-Soph and his roving band of blitzed merry-men a huge misunderstandmade a night of it. First they went to Einsteins demanding Perfect for Small Parties ing,” said a professor, who bagels and hookers but left angrily when Einsteins said wishes to remain nameless, they didn’t have any marijuana-infused bagels. Next they apologetically to the media recently. This professor, a memwent to Rosie, having heard that some crazy parties are ber of the newly-formed Drug and Alcohol Policy Committhrown there, but were turned away because they were tee, was referring to the disturbing night of debauchery that too old and it was a school-night. Dejected yet again, they took place the day after the committee was formed. meandered down to Massell to swim in the pond. The cold “You see,” explained the professor, whom we will call Botwater, however, took down their buzz a bit so they had tomless Esophagus to take more drugs (B-Soph), sheepand alcohol. They ishly, “when Jehuda took some cocaine, sent the committee heroine, crack, lithe e-mail telling us quor, pot, beer, Four about the commitLoko, Six Loko, tee, he called it the whiskey, vodka, gin, ‘Drug and Alcohol cotton candy, speed, Committee.’ He left LSD, wine, chamout the word ‘polpagne, ale, Oxyconicy,’ which would tin, morphine, rum, have really changed Kahlua, acid, angel how we viewed dust, dope, NyQuil our new positions. and blow. Also, he forgot to Once they were put any text in the sufficiently fuckede-mail. It was just up again, they went the subject-line.” on a tear across camThis mix-up pus, pulling down created a night of statues, drawing intoxicated stupidgraffiti on buildings ity that Brandeis and stripping off will not soon fortheir clothes to drape get. “Well,” B-Soph on trees. The next continued, “we just morning, the campus assumed that the It was a night of intensive research and missing underwear. was in a state of dispoint of the comarray and the committee was found naked, unconscious mittee was to become familiar with these drugs in order to and still kind of fucked-up. Campus police do not even help the students better. What better way to become familiar know what to make of the dead body lying next to them. with them than to take them?” The BranPo do not believe the committee killed him, due In one night, B-Soph, along with the other members of to the fact that the body was already embalmed, but this the committee, had cocaine, heroine, crack, liquor, pot, beer, would suggest that the committee left campus at some Four Loko, Five Loko, whiskey, vodka, gin, cotton candy, point, went to a graveyard, dug up a body and brought it speed, LSD, wine, champagne, ale, Oxycontin, morphine, back with them. rum, Kahlua, acid, angel dust, dope, NyQuil and blow. Need“Once again, we are so sorry,” said B-Soph.
BY CARLOS FORRESTER
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BlowScopes Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - A menacing man will present you with a blue pill, which will return you to your current life, and a red pill, which will open your eyes to your robot-controlled world. Go wild. Take both. See what happens.
Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - Run! Run! The ferrets are coming! Run, run for your life! Ru-Aries: March 20 - April 20 - Don’t be afraid to bring your computer to LTS. They know that you can get a porn virus on perfectly respectable websites. They won’t laugh at you behind your back and refer to you as “that dumbass.” They won’t mock everything about you. They probably also won’t fix your computer. Taurus: April 21 - May 21 Don’t make eye contact with Michael Bublé in that bar. Like an animal, he will take offense and attack. His attacks are like his songs: slow, painful and close to home.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21 Today is your day! Seize it! Take a chance--talk to that cute professor you’ve been eyeing all semester. Take a chance--mix your whites and colors in the wash; nothing will run. Take a chance--dash across the street without looking. By the way, tomorrow you will be dead. Cancer: June 22 - July 22 You will attempt to enroll in a Justice Brandeis Semester but will immediately be hit by a giant burst of apathy which will last until summer. Leo: July 23 - August 23 - As if you needed an excuse to run naked through the campus center shouting “I must be the change I wish to see in the world.”
Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - You are pretty sure horrible things happened to the last person who unlocked the secrets in the dusty tome you’ve cracked open. But damn it, you’ve got to figure out when your soaps are on. Libra: September 24 - October 23 - Your friends will again refuse to call you “The General Sherman of McDonalds runs.”
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - There’s no problem money can’t fix. This is the phrase that will go through you head over and over as you suffocate to death in a pool of money. Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - The stars are unclear: the professor will either hold your work up as exemplary or shoot you as an example to the others. Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - Horrible things go on in the nicest of places. Still, the slave-trading nursery is going to be the weirdest thing you’ve seen in a while.
Letters from Seniors Dear The Blowfish, many types of apples. As a senior, I have had so many wonderful Do you know what else is really cool about the Cexperiences and memories here that it is difficult Store? You can pay with points there. It’s true, every time to put my finger on the one thing I will miss the I went to buy any one of the array of products that are most about Brandeis. But, if I absolutely had to available at the C-Store, I always said that I wanted to say there was one thing, I know I will miss that pay with points, “please,” because I wanted to be polite. C-Store. What I love the most is the vast diverI used points at the Csity of food that Store so many times is at the C-Store. that my face (on my Boy howdy, I ID card) became have never seen blurry. There must be a place where no other place where you are able to I can pay for my conbuy things like venient snacks with a milk, cheese and plastic card and such Ritz crackers all great ease. It’s like at the same time. all those treats were What a great for free too because I thing, a nice way was just using points, to avoid having not money! to go to the milk I am going to store, the cheese miss this C-Store, I store and the Ritz wish there would be cracker store. more of these “conNow, they say Someone could really make some money off of venience” stores all that the C in Cthis idea. around the world. Store stands for I think that Brandeis having invented social justice and compassion, but it is so convenient it might as Smart Balance could revolutionize shopping by implewell stand for convenience too. menting this convenience store idea throughout the counYou know, the diversity of types of food in the try. Though it would not have the breadth that a milk store C-Store is just like the diversity of classes I took. or cheese store would have, people may just enjoy how Every class I took taught issues from a different convenient it is to be able to go to one place to get milk angle, both liberal and conservative, and there and cheese. Just like how Brandeis is the one stop place I were so many narratives and ideas that were went to to get a Liberal Arts Education. allowed--just like in the C-Store, where there are Sincerely Yours, Timothy Strong ‘11
What will you be doing on Brandeis Kindness Day?
“I’m gonna pay it forward! Or will I see dead people? Shit, I forget the question.” -Haley Joel Osment
“Nothing; I’m inanimate.” -Desk
“It’s Kindness Day? Oh thank God, my life has always depended on days like this.” -Blanche Dubois
“Well I was going to steal a bunch of shit and--wait, did you say kindness? I’m fucked.” -The Grinch
“I’ll give them a 10-minute lunch-hour.” -Sweatshop Taskmaster
“I’m gonna take the day off, maybe you guys will take the advice on the freakin’ VHS for once.” -90s Video Store Owner
Do you have a gift?
Alex Norris Jesse Appell (AWOL)
Abbie Kagan Daniel Tassone
Yael Katzwer Ben Swartz (AWOL) Gordy Stillman Simon Cramer
Elly Kalfus Stacy Handler (AWOL) Paul Gale (AWOL) Audrey Stout
YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
Even if you don’t, Come to the Blowfish Brainstorming Meeting: Tuesday, November 16th At 8 PM in the BMC
NEWS- PAGE 3
No-Shave November Celebrated Month-Long Ritual Grows on Students
Brandeis students stand up for a Convicted on all Charges wide array of important causes: cage-free eggs, the Israel-Palestine conflict, climate change, etc. The Blowfish would like to draw attention to the newest fad at Brandeis. Students have decided to keep it all, that’s right, they have decided not to shave. Including their pubes. The Blowfish had an up close and fursonal interview with Seth Lagenstein this past weekend, inquiring why he chooses not to shave. “At first I canceled all my waxing and threading appointments to prove my masculinity, it earned me major man-points to have that goatee. But now, I am just trying to prepare for a greater cause.” In fact, Seth has started a new career in posing for fake ID photos. “I really want to make a difference for young people today”. Apparently Seth looks just like ten other kids at Brandeis thanks to his facial accessories. Also thanks to those scandalous pictures that we caught of him on Chat Roulette we also know that he looks like ten other kids at Brandeis.
BY JOHNNY SAMBO
Sadly, not everyone at Brandeis has the ability to grow body hair. Josh Stavencord explained to the Blowfish, “I just don’t understand, I used to be able to grow hair, but I’m balding at 18.” Unfortunately for Josh, he has tried everything from Rogaine to human Chia with no luck in the hair matter. He just can’t grow enough short curly hairs to plant trees in the jungle. He later tried transferring hair from down there and from his eyebrows to the rest of his face. “I just want that friction you get from more hair down there, my belly button that is.” Being the egalitarian institution that it is, The Blowfish wanted to hear from a woman’s perspective on not shaving this November. Kelly Katz expressed her views on the hot and hairy topic, “I decided not to shave, because I want to express my femininity in a new way.” Kelly chose not to comment on her traumatizing experience where she shaved off all her eyebrows. “It’s quite the touchy subject, even after I went back to threading.” However, she was willing to share that she has purposefully neglected tweezing away the mole from her backside for the entire month. It appears that at Brandeis body hair provides so much more than warmth.
Fraternally Yours One Bro’s Take on the Facebook Friendship Feature
This is actually an Octobeard, but we figured you wouldn’t notice.
Christmas in Nazareth Two Weeks Coincide
is abuzz this year as two of Brandeis’ most BY KIMBERLY ROACH Campus popular holidays, Israeli Occupation Awareness So, I log onto Facebook the other day and this bitch Cleaned up at Oscars BY TOMMY “ICEMAN” DAWSON Week and Israel Peace Week, both chose to hold their Molly writes on my wall, “Yea hun, I’ll cya there” Big Bundle of Feelings celebrations during the same week! and I think, “what the fuck, As if this weren’t awkward enough, where the hell am I gonna see her?” So, I go to our wall-to-wall they both chose the same theme, to see what she’s talking about and there is no wall-to-wall. It’s like two girls who wore the same gone! Instead, I have to see our whole freakin’ friendship. Can low-cut red number to their senior you imagine? All I wanna do is see where I told Molly to meet prom. As a result, while both weeks me and now I’m forced to look at a fuckin’ scrapbook about will discuss widely different topour whole life together. But the funny thing is, the scrapbook is ics, they will also revolve around kinda empty. I mean, our “friendship picture” is just a picture of the theme “Christmastime in Nazaher and her best friend that I photobombed while I had my nuts reth.” The theme was picked in an hangin’ out, it was classic. The rest of our pictures are either of attempt to recruit more Christians her hangin’ on my shoulder doing some duckface pose or of me to their causes by emphasizing the flippin’ off the camera while she’s doing her best to muster up fact that Jesus was also from the something that resembles a smile. And we’ve been dating for West Bank. two years! The first lecture of Israeli OcI was kind of intrigued by this whole “See Friendship” feature cupation Awareness Week, called so I decided to check out the friendship page of my bro Kyle. “Grandma Got Run Over By A My God, now that is a friendship page. He loves Natty Ice, he Rein-Tank,” inform its audience listens to Sublime, he even “hates it when some douche stands about the conditions of unruly near you at Rein-tank’s that carry presents the pisser (food) to all the little boys and girls when all by human rights activists which the other adheres to the Santa Clause of secones are tion 4 part 3 of the Oslo Accords. open!!!1!1!” Of course when Noam Chomsky What are comes to town, despite the weather the chances outside being frightful, there will that I could be nothing more delightful than the find a guy lecture he gives on the language of as unique as the holiday season. Kyle? A concert featuring songs about Unless peace in Israel, sung to the tune we’re talkof Christmas Carols, is the first of ing about Israel Peace Week’s events. Their Mark, bemost controversial piece is “Police cause he’s and Mossad,” a tribute to the secua bro that I No tree branch is as strong as our will. rity forces in Israel that is sung to just couldn’t the tune of “Feliz Navidad.” There live without. will also be a specially themed Shabbat dinner in honor of the peaceful weekJust talking about our friend-“Holy Night.” In the spirit of attracting more Christians and of promoting reship page makes me blush a ligious synergy, this dinner will include the Communion ceremonies normally little. There’s this one picture performed at Church, thus allowing the Christians on campus to receive their where I’ve got my eyes closed Communion on Friday evening and then sleep in on Sunday as a result! and the beer funnel is right over In another awkward coincidence, both groups rented out the Shapiro Campus my mouth, and you can tell he’s Center for their final celebration event! But in a clever attempt at peacekeeping right about to pour three shots J Street U sneakily hung a sprig of mistleof rum into it toe from the ceiling of the SCC the night and I have no before. When BZA and SJP/JVP arrived idea. Haha, Friday morning to celebrate their respeche’s always doMark’s the shit, and you can tive events, they were powerless against ing dumb shit the binding laws of holiday intimacy. tell he knows it. like that. I love Once the two groups finished their lovhim to death. ing embrace, they realized that the fightAnd we go to all the same events! “Space Race Jam 2010: Suck ing wasn’t worth the restrictions that tore It Brezhnev!” “Tear Down Da Walls Demolition Derby” and even their love apart. Also, it was 6 p.m. so, “Make Your Own Sushi Night.” The only thing both Molly and I technically, the work week was over and RSVP’d to was “Passport to Success” but I don’t think either of their controversial weeks had ended. Unfortunately for those who love peace, us ended up going. CVCC, Christian Voices for the Continuation of Christmas, is in the planning Y’know, this whole “See Friendship” feature got me thinking: who needs stages of its own unique awareness week. bitches when you’ve got guys like Mark and Kyle? No, I mean seriously ...
“I mean, our “friendship picture” is just a picture of her and her best friend that I photobombed while I had my nuts hangin’ out, it was classic. ”
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Across Clues 1. Protected from the sun 7. “Okay, back to work!” 16. Prejudice 20. Space rocks 21. “Unlike other books, Frankenstein is ____ original” (2 wds.) 22. Poentially offensive, briefly 23. World heritage site overseers, abbr. 24. Born French, Spanish treasure? (3 wds.) 25. Wine-producing valley 26. Gassy discharge 27. Recog.’s a minister’s house? (2 wds) 28. “___ my wit’s end!” (2 wds.) 29. Between ports 30. Prima donna’s solo (2 wds.) 32. “Little we see in Nature that ___” (2 wds.) 34. Holiday roast meets Elle Woods flick? 37. Okla., before 1907 38. Printing paper size, specifically 17½ inches by 22½ inches 39. K-5, schoolwise 40. Mid-6th-century date 42. British sailor 45. “The law is ___...,” said Dickens (2 wds.) 47. One who works in an auction house (2 wds.)
Holiday TV Thanksgiving traditions meets prime-time programming!
49. Those, in Madrid 50. Shirt size, abbr. 51. What symbols like “@” stand for 53. Official from Law&Order, say (2 wds.) 54. “Prince ___” (“Aladdin” song) 55. Get-out-of-jail money 56. To me: Fr. (2 wds.) 57. Jewish rite 59. Relatives’ meal meets TBS cooking and entertainment show? 66. Forest growth Plural suffix with “bass” and “ball” 68. “___ on Down the Road” 69. Bristle 70. Rum-soaked desserts 73. Do sums 74. Affirmative vote 75. Six-stringed instrument 76. Laissez-faire economist (2 wds.) 80. Cutting remark 82. Helsinki residents 83. U.S. currency 84. Shutout symbols in a sports game 85. Makes out in public, abbr. 87. Band with the hit “Barbie Girl” 89. Site where the pilgrims landed meets Sylvester Stallone movie? 95. “I’d like to propose ___....” (2 wds.) 96. “If you wanna know how shoes feel, you have _____!” (3 wds.) 97. ___ way, shape or form (2 wds.)
55. Blooms 56. “With a wink and ___...” (2 wds.) 57. Girl whose party it is, for short? (2 wds.) 58. Level, in London 60. Religious leader 61. Biblical ark builder 62. Close 63. Conceited 64. Victory cheer! (2 wds.) 65. Makes pictures bigger, abbr. 70. Not good 71. Ratifications 72. Voting 75. Capacity for survival 77. Like some points 78. Debtor’s note 79. Walked unsteadily 80. Garden fence not in the front? (2 wds.) 81. Invite trouble (3 wds.) 82. “Hope” or “truth” ending 85. Continue ranting (2 wds.) 86. Quantities of medicine 88. Scrabble word meaning African tea leaves 90. Louts 91. The first car produced by German brand at the turn of the 20th century? 92. Emphatic affirmative (2 wds.) 93. They make you cry 94. Slants 95. Alicia Keys’ third concert tour, name after her third album, of the same title (3 wds.) 98. “Pick a number from ___ ten” (2 wds.) 100. Flew in the formation of geese 101. Length times width 103. N.Y.C. subway inits. 104. Pained sounds
99. “Revenge of the ___” 100. Multiple copies of Hitchcock’s 1958 film 101. Set straight 102. Ten, in binary 103. Soldier for hire 104. Baltimore bird 105. Part of A.D. 106. Golf peg, use to tie up limbs? (2 wds.) 107. Soggy fisherman’s tool? (2 wds.) 108. Txts, e.g. 109. Put in map close-ups (2 wds.) 110. Lays down the law (2 wds.) Down Clues 1. Diving equipment 2. Adjective that politicans lack 3. ‘Soul’ to 4 down, with Romanian currency? 4. French philosopher 5. How you make ‘a-sketch’? 6. Mich. classical music group 7. President Acheampong 8. Painted with rouges 9. Specific group of wise ones (2 wds.) 10. Polite response to an older woman (2 wds.) 11. In no uncertain terms 12. Description of multiple empty sets (2 wds.) 13. “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” 70’s singer 14. Ancient Greek stringed instrument 15. First privately funded plane to go into the universe beyond Earth, abbr. 16. Cause for a trip to the podiatrist 17. Confused (3 wds.) 18. Dressed 19. Emulates Ella Fitzgerald 30. Above, to a poet 31. What the ancient Egyptians built many of 32. “Where is the life that late ___?” Kiss Me Kate song (2 wds.) 33. When procrastinators get around to doing it E S S L 35. Car starter L I 36. Sandwich order, abbr. M T 41. Investment vehicle, S O K for short A I 42. Book part K R 43. Cuba, por ejemplo S T 44. Injure 46. “___ want for Christmas ...”S(2C wds.) A L P I 47. The Far East O P 48. “___ that’s it!” (2 wds.) F O 50. Verbalizes N G T 51. Adjust B I 52. Rocky peaks B E
Soulutions to “Scary Singles” T O P D O L L A R
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Pachanga Actually Justice Training Exercise Stolen Reporter Template is Totally Not a MadLib
Through intrepid reporting and talking to guys in basements with overly elaborate security protocols, The Blowfish has discovered that the Justice staged a good deal of the controversial events surrounding Pachanga in order to school rookie reporters in the grittier aspects of muckraking. We have secured a copy of one of the templates that Justice reporters fill their notebooks well: After the (synonym of fracas) following (campus event), Brandeis police (verb ending in -ed) a Brandeis student found (verb ending in -ing). Fellow student Timothy Grabber was at the scene. “Listen, I was with (student) all night,” said Grabber. “He was fine, until he went to a party in (dry quad) and had (number more than 10) beers. After that he was (verb ending in -ing) all over the place.” Brandeis police claimed that the student attacked them using his (body part) and (other body part). Other students, however, both in the room and on the Justice website, have disputed this claim. “It is absolutely ridiculous,” said (fake name of alumnus), commenting on (unrelated article). “The Justice should stick a (garden tool) up its (orifice). What really happened that night is that
(expletive) Officer (racial slur), who should be (disciplinary action), beat the (bodily fluid) out of poor (explicit mention of student’s name).” According to sources, (other student) was not even a little drunk, having only drunk a mug of (brand of tea) while poring over a volume by (Enlightenment thinker). After police officers saw him with a video camera, they beat him with a (piece of sports equipment). Meanwhile (first student), who was throwing up (building material) by that point, maintained his dignity. He attempted to escape custody using a (invention from before 1900), but was brought down by the heroic actions of (doggy star of children’s television show). After the outcry over our previous coverage of this issue, we cannot help but feel (negative emotion) over this. However, we cannot help but look to our hero, (character in Citizen Kane), for inspiration. Can we really leave the Brandeis community in doubt as to who the most (adjective ensuring these students will never get a job) students on campus are, or whether the campus police are (dystopian author + ian) or (something else smart)? It is a matter of journalistic integrity, which is not something that just grows on (general category of plant).