VOLUME VII, ISSUE 1
Earlier: Flooding in Pakistan. Today: Millions enjoy new beachfront property.
Inside This Issue ORIENTATION NEWS: Guy Who Friend Requested Everyone Is Freakishly Nice In Person Page +1
MUSIC NEWS: Lil’ Jon Begins Production on Skeet, Pray, Love Biopic Page 40
FELINE HISTORICAL NEWS: Aaron Purr On The Run After The Murder of Alexander CatHamilton Page 10 Paces
NEWS FROM THE FUTURE: Brett Favre’s preserved ulna to play “one more year” with the Chargers. Page 4
SURPRISING NEWS: Tea Party continues to be a thing. Page Huh?
JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle? A: Run Over! NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: Dear Freshmen, By the time you read this, you should have completely retired your orientation lanyard. As handy as it may be to have your ID around your neck, people who find you will attempt to return you to your proper owner. Questions? Comments? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org!
Sebtember 2, 2010
NOW ACCEPTED AS CURRENCY IN 30 COUNTRIES
God: Glenn Who?! Page 2 Naked People! Page 3 Humanities Conspiracy! Page 3 Appliance Trafficking Ring! Page 4
Today We Have a New President, FML Brandeis Blames Its Woes on New Leader
arbitrary, abrupt announcements of possibly illegal activities makes for bad press, FML.” Several student groups have come out against Lawrence’s Staff Writer selection. Brandeis Animated Novices Against Lawrence President Frederick M. Lawrence has yet to begin his work pointed out on their newly-minted website that “a much more at Brandeis but already students, faculty, and administrators positive candidate existed and was passed over. Mondale Laralike are blaming him for their problems. President Law- ry Icabod Anderson was a very chill, funny everyman. The rence, who prefers to be addressed by his initials, has been Harry Potter references got a bit out of control but that was a small price to pay for the sense of community he brought.” the target of many complaints thus far. Addressing Ander“I only got into son himself, the two of the classes I group has said, “We wanted this semesreally want you to ter,” lamented Jorge be our president but Gargas ’11. “And school is starting up now I have to perand we don’thave suade a couple of much time to work professors to let me for it, MLIA.” in or I won’t graduBrandeis Trustee ate, FML!” and part-time comic Agreeing was book stunt double Dr. Michael Flipflop Meyer KAPLOW! of the Philosophy has gone on the department, who record as saying has to “let in every that Anderson was moron senior who I not nearly Jewish know won’t do the enough to be conreading, but who I sidered. “I mean have to give charAnderson? Really?” ity to because they Kaplow asked rhewere undeclared and torically. “Better smoking reefer their luck at Haverford, whole first two years WASP. Of course we of college and didn’t use a religious test plan anything out, for the presidency, FML!” President Lawrence prepares to yell out his initials MLIA.” Adding his conThe negative efcerns to the mix was Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe, who pointed out that fects President Lawrence has already had on everyone’s lives “the police are getting closer and closer to where the bodies are immeasurable, but the person whom he has hurt the most are buried. If I’d known I was going to get caught, I would has also spoken up. The Blowfish has managed to obtain a have just let the whole over-easy versus sunny-side-up de- post-it note written by Laurence as a reminder to himself. It reads: “Now all I have to do is convince a bunch of old Jews bacle slide, FML!” Lawrence is taking the reigns from hundred-term presi- to part with those few remaining pieces of their life savings dent Jehuda Reinhartz, who will leave Brandeis in January Bernie Madoff left them with, while trying to cut costs and to be a foreman on the construction team of the new Mandel increase revenue in a school where the prima donna tenured Center. Or something like that. Reinhartz is no stranger to faculty and the protest-happy students will scream for my criticism, and had some frank advice for the new president. “I blood if I make the slightest change to their programs, all remember when I closed the Rose Art Museum, people were while taking the heat for a Board of Trustees that obviously pissed, FML. So I had to hire a PR firm to get me out of doesn’t mind hanging its president out to dry for its own stumy own mess, FML. Overall I learned that making seemingly pidity, FML!” It was a fairly large post-it.
BY DANIEL PIPES
Freshman Forgot to Pack Favorite Slogan T-Shirt Opportunities for Fabric-Based Visual Humor Missed
“Camping is in-tents.” “I fuckin’ hate this school,” Richard said after a particularly hard day, “Nobody responds Really Listens to my goddamn shirts. I mean, I know they’re not the funniest in the world, but they’re a little clever, right? You When Richard Tambland ‘14 left his suburban Connecticut guys don’t have to scoff at me every time you read my home last Sunday, he thought he had prepared all of the es- shirts!” As he predicted, his shirt’s sentials for his new life in sunabsence has taken a toll on his ny Waltham, MA. Unfortunatesocial life. “Richie seems nice, ly, while unpacking, Tambland but none of his shirts have made discovered that he had forgotme laugh yet,” Patty Slewnought ten to pack his favorite t-shirt, commented after their Social which featured a couch unfoldChange in 16th Century Guaing into a bed atop the phrase, temala class this past Monday. “I Pull Out.” “He has this one shirt about the “Everybody loves that shirt. Brandeis Football Team being It’s fuckin’ funny as shit, man,” undefeated since 1959 but Dahe said, crestfallen. “Now what vid has one of those, and Carl am I going to wear to the Stein has one of those, and I’m pretty karaoke night?” sure Andrew’s brother has one Tambland’s moving misof those too ... I feel like Richie hap was especially frustrating just bought it last minute to combecause it stifled a conscious pensate for his forgotten shirt, rebellion against his former but it really blew up in his face.” high school’s dress code, which Things took a turn for the prohibited “offensive” slogans worse when the Greenwich nafrom student wear. “He was so tive spotted Renfield resident excited to finally be himself in Rachel Cornwallis wearing a a scholastic setting,” said his t-shirt with a picture of a bunk mother, Wanda Tambland. bed and the words “I like it on Although Richard didn’t fortop.” “Holy fuck!” exclaimed a get to bring all of his favorite sexually frustrated Tambland, “I novelty shirts, the ones he did He just doesn’t look very clever.... could totally tap that if I had my bring were mostly the unfunny futon shirt on! Can you imagine? ones that were already allowed It would have been a done deal if in his snooty private high school. These slogans include “Dyslexics are teople poo,” “Without me it’s just aweso” and only I had remembered to pack my shirt!
BY DAMIEN ATKINS
PAGE 2- OPINION
BlowScopes Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - You will discover that there are in fact very few things that you can successfully build on an Indian burial ground. Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - There are no rules prohibiting take-backs in a court of law, but you should have been listening when the judge called no take-backsies at the beginning of the trial. Aries: March 20 - April 20 - You will hit an old, Gypsy woman with your car. Good news, you will be found not guilty in a court of law. Bad news, you will be cursed with the Thinner curse. Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - You will find that having a wocket in your pocket is not as fun when the wocket is a convicted sex offender.
God Hasn’t Heard of Glenn Beck BY TURNER WATKINSON Doesn’t Wear Hats
During a shocking exclusive with The Blowfish, God has confessed to never meeting Glenn Beck. “I realize that parts of college and high school were a bit of a blur for me,” remarked the deity, “But he really just doesn’t ring any bells.” The divine guide of Moses and Abraham was notified of Beck’s existence by, “an old buddy I used to slot-car race with.” God reportedly greeted the news of the TV personality’s supposedly close relationship with him with, “I’m sorry, who?” adding later, “I’ve honestly never heard of him in my life. What year did he graduate?” The creator of heaven and earth then devoted the next few hours to looking Glenn Beck up on Wikipedia, looking for clues on where their alleged relationship began. Nothing was to be found. God couldn’t even find any mutual friends on Facebook. “I’ve found a couple of friends with mutual friends, but really they aren’t people I’d even be comfortable asking about it. I don’t remember when the last time I talked to them was.” After several hours of fruitless searching the bestower of divine grace was forced to give up. There This is the first time this computer has just didn’t seem to be a connection. “It sucks to get been used for something other than porn. talked about behind your back,” confided the source of all energy. “Especially by someone who doesn’t even know you.” God remains unsure of whether to confront Mr. Beck about the misconception. “I’ve been kind of doing this thing where I don’t allow humankind to have proof of my existence so as to test their faith. It seems a little pointless to just mess that up over this one guy. The breather of life also remains unsure as to the cause of Beck’s popularity. “He seems kind of pudgy. What’s all the fuss about?”
What did you sign up for at the Activities Fair?
Gemini: May 22 - June 21 Pass the check to the person on your left.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22 You will immediately regret buying an imitation gold watch when every world currency completely devalues.
“I signed up for the Vagina Club and their brother group, Manginah. .” -Freshman
“Positive Foundations.” - Bob the Builder
“Isn’t there some club working for access to water?” - Man on Fire
“Nothing. How did you get this number? ” - Hermit
“Liquid Latex. It’s not what I thought it was.” -Benjamin Disraeli
Leo: July 23 - August 23 - You will be comforted by the idea that badgers don’t have incredibly long life spans even in the best of circumstances. Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - This is your time. Don’t be afraid; talk to that girl sitting next to you. Just check her for pepper spray first. You cannot fail this month.
“I didn’t, but several clubs signed up for me.” -Smug Bastard
Libra: September 24 - October 23 - Wear your parka tomorrow. It will be freezing cold. We swear.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 - Your free-speechtesting quest to yell “Fire” in crowded places will end tragically at the shooting range.
Do You Want to Write, Photoshop, Edit, or Work on the Crossword?
Jesse Appell (AWOL)
Sagittarius: November 23 December 21 - When the armed men ran into the bank, you knew you’d have to improvise. You just didn’t know you’d have to do scenes from a hat. Capricorn: December 22 January 19 - The bar fight will show you that you are not as good at fighting with a pool stick as you had dared to imagine.
Yael Katzwer Ben Swartz (AWOL) Daniel Tassone Gordy Stillman
Simon Cramer Elly Kalfus Stacy Handler (AWOL) Paul Gale Abbie Kagan
Jacob D. Chatinover Kevin David Audrey Stout Peter Kowlenskii Hannah Goldberg Andrew Hogan YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
Put Your Fucking Hand Down and Come to the Blowfish Brainstorming Meeting: Tuesday, September 7th At 8 PM in the BMC
NEWS- PAGE 3
Blowfish Special: Naked People Diary of a Flasher Shower Stories (Editors’ Note: This story was delivered to us on a scrap of notebook paper with a post-it saying “Tell the World.” Also included were some extremely dirty pictures, which we declined to print.) These days anyone with a trench coat and some balls can be a flasher, but I was taught perversion by my father, and in his day you took some pride in your work. Sure, once the young girls see your junk, all bets are off, but there is a thrill to getting just the right reveal. The swish of the coat, the horror as the eyes are drawn by the movement to the one place they never want to go. It’s a hard life, but a rewarding one. None of this, however, is possible without practice. Nobody wants to be the guy waiting desperately by the fence for someone to walk by. It’s harder than you would think to find somewhere An artist created this rough sketch of the perpetrator. isolated to practice my form. My roommate just doesn’t seem to leave the room, the weirdo. So I find myself going more and more to the chapels to practice. My family is pretty non-denominational, so I tend to switch off. It’s crazy, but when I’m in there I feel like it’s just me, God and my dick. I remember hearing in Sunday school that the presence of God when he reveals himself will blind you. It’s certainly something to strive for. In any case I was there tonight working hard (and occasionally working soft) on a new move that I’m hoping will be ready for the weekend (I usually pick a promising place on South Street and wait for the parties to end). Things were going well until I turn around and there is a huge group of freshmen walking by. If Babe Ruth had a bat in his hand, and you tossed a soft pitch to him, what do you think he would do? Well, I used the bat in my hand as I was raised to. I went back to my practicing as the sound of their shrieks faded into the distance. Never did it cross my mind that they would call the police. What happened to the days when a flashing stayed between you and the person you emotionally scarred? But I realized what had happened as soon as there was someone pounding on the door. I looked wildly around for other exits, and found nothing. What to do? What can a humble flasher do against a well-armed (I knew I should have given more money to Students Opposed to the Decision to Arm) police force? There was only one thing to do: It was time for my last stand. I picked up a Bible and opened it up to my favorite passage, Genesis 2:25. I put the Good Book in front of my face to hide my identity, began masturbating furiously, and charged the door just as the cops were opening it, screaming at the top of my lungs my battle cry, “I have AIDS!” I stepped through the opening they left in their disgusted steps back. I was outside and into the woods in a flash. I was free! My absolute creepiness had outgunned even the law. The day was mine. And so, dear reader, I leave you with the lesson that the underdog does triumph sometimes. Hopefully I’ll see you around sometime. And if I see you, I can guarantee you’ll see me.
BY VAUGHN JERMAIN Untouchable
On Sunday, Aug. 28, first-year Philippe Mustafa was found “dancing in his nuddy pants,” according to an official police report, and appropriate action has been taken, says Brandeis Police Chief Ed Callahan. Fellow first-year and roommate of Mustafa’s, Jehuda Menachem, immediately called the BranPo authorities upon walking in on said roommate dancing in his nuddy pants in their shared room, on the Shapiro 1B freshman hall. Menachem let out a startled cry for help, before acting on the advice his orientation leader had given him during that first week of school, “if you see anyone naked during the first week of school, don’t worry about it, it’s all cool. But “He saw Philippe naked after that, if you see some on a number of occasions, balls, make some calls.” Mustafa, who claimed to citing several mornings have just come from the when he walked into the shower but did not have a men’s bathroom, single wet hair when questioned, says that he “did knocking open all of the not mean anything by it” stalls and pulling down and was just “caught in the interim between changing the shower curtains, on a clothes.” Mustafa’s friends ‘routine floor inspection.” and family, however, say differently. Philippe’s CA, junior George Weinheimer, says that within the first few days of school, he had already seen Philippe naked on a number of occasions, citing several mornings when he walked into the men’s bathroom, knocking open all of the stalls and pulling down the shower curtains, on a “routine floor inspection.” George continued, “That Philippe is a wily one but I keep switching the hours I check the bathrooms, and even adding on a few room inspections, so I’ve caught him doing the nuddy dance a few times already.” Philippe’s mother, LeeAnn, reported similar tendencies, saying that from the time Philippe was a little boy he would routinely take his clothes off, often not putting on a change of clothing for a substantial period of time, up to several hours.“He was even BORN doing the nuddy dance,” she says, pulling out baby pictures which are too inflammatory to even print here. “I never knew what to do.” However, she and the rest of Mustafa clan are “just normal folks, no strange predilections or sexual deviancies in our family nuh-uh,” she stated, while cleaning off her husband’s handcuffs, which usually hang in their bedroom above the four-poster bed. Brandeis has come out very strongly against Mustafa’s act, saying it will not tolerate this kind of behavior in the future. “Brandeis does not support the nuddy dance because it leads to sexual acts taking place on campus and I mean eww … that’s just gross,” said David Havivi, the university’s Press Secretary. The Brandeis Police have stated that while Mustafa is still on campus, students should beware future dances, and advise them to keep their eyes closed at all times possible, to avoid further attacks. “Whatever you do, do NOT be on the look out!”
Mandel Center: A Sinister Plot? Oh, the Humanities!
BY LORD NELSON DIRIGIBLE
Understanding about the Rent
of your science-major friends disappearing? What? You thought they had dropped out due to the pressure just like that conveniently-placed note left in their dorm said they had? Oh, trust me, they never left Brandeis. They are in the Humanities departments’ torture dungeons. In deference to The Blowfish’s sensitive readers, we cannot disclose the exact nature of the pain your close (well, sort of close ... they are science majors after all) friends are enduring. We ask our less sensitive readers to picture the two most horrible things they can, combine them and then add Miley Cyrus. Horrible, isn’t it? But fear not. The science departments are not taking this sitting down (they prefer to stand because they remember those nasty pranks in high school where someone would put glue on their chair). Unbeknownst to the Humanities departments, beneath the sub-sub-basement there is a sub-sub-sub-basement controlled by the science departments who access it via a tunnel leading from their torture dungeons under the storage room under G-zang. In this sub-sub-sub-basement, these intrepid pre-scientists are genetically engineering armadillos to attack their enemies. These armadillos don’t burrow into the ground; they burrow into HUMAN FLESH! A helpless Bio major is dragged off by a Creative Unfortunately, the trait of rolling up into a ball when poked is still yet to be removed.
There is no doubt that the Mandel Center for the Humanities is a thing of beauty. With all that natural light and that verdant forest on the roof that enchants the senses, it’s no wonder that formerly empty classes like Techniques in 14th Century Double-Entry Booking and Mathematical Equations Involving Single-Bid Auctions with No Resale have long waiting lists due to their placement in the new center. All those new classrooms with their new, clean desks and their new, unbroken chairs make the mouth water, along with all that shiny glass that makes the building seem so open and friendly and un-oppressive. But that’s just what they want you to think. Don’t get sucked in! Through aggressive detective work and the use of our wiles, The Blowfish has uncovered corruption, sadism and general dickwaddery deep within the Humanities departments. They may seem harmless, especially with their new mascot, Hugh the Manatee, telling students to be deeper in their analysis. But this same group contains horrors like the Department for Medieval and Renaissance Studies. Have you read about the Medieval and Renaissance periods? No, because you aren’t in that department. It mostly consisted of torture and killing. And these people revere them! And everyone knows that when the Crusaders of that department start something, the others follow. Beneath the basement in the new building is a sub-basement. And in this sub-basement is Writing-Comparitive History tag team. storage. But beneath the sub-basement is a subsub-basement. This houses the blood-soaked rooms that the Humanities departments use to torture their hated enemies. And who are these foes? The science majors! The Humanities hates those empirical bad-asses. Haven’t you noticed some
“They may seem harmless, especially with their new mascot, Hugh the Manatee, telling students to be deeper in their analysis.”
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Siblings In the end, all you have is family Across Clues 1. Chilled soup 6. Unit of electrical charge 13. ______ Patch Kids 20. Nicholas Gage memoir 21. A bogey, to par 22. Flashing lights 23. Houdini’s given name 24. Tropical plant 25. Telephone part 26. Arctic mammal 28. “Heart of Darkness” author 30. Pilates alternative 31. Inner, in anatomy 33. Pantry 34. Legal matter 35. Three witchy sisters? 40. Two-time loser to DDE 41. Took the wrinkles out
42. Cable channel 43. Retro hip beer, abbr. 44. Country singer Rimes 45. Blown about 50. Web page full of promos 53. Midpt. 55. Wine holder 56. Street, in Portugal 57. “_____ Noches” 58. “What a kidder!” 60. Baubles 62. Three squeaky rodents? 65. Begging 66. Drama critic Richard’s family 67. Mores ullen 68. Former Mideast org. 69. Add-____ (extras) 70. Where nymphos might go, for short 71. Kvetch 72. Chemical responsible for attraction 76. Genetic enzyme 79. Queue after A 80. Bard’s before 81. “Not Ar yet!” 84. German pronoun
85. Three pop brothers? 90. Before Dec. 91. French avenues 92. Busch Gardens locale 93. “It’s either them ____” 95. “Grease” high school 96. Without neckwear 100. Israeli city 102. Western accessory 106. Fragrant wood 107. Former Senate minority leader Tom 108. Adversaries 109. “The Red Tent” author Diamant 110. ____, Twos smell, Threes taste 111. Geek painting 112. Whales Down Clues Down 1. Stitched 2. Actress DuVall 3. Successor 4. Replies 5. Hindu deity 6. Fall in a heap 7. Go out ___ limb 8. 1999-2009 Parliament creation 9. Fleer from Sodom 10. Egg wagon 11. Hannukah centerpiece 12. Fresh out of the box 13. D-flat, in other words 14. Not much 15. Eye color: abbr. 16. Whodunit find 17. Soak in 18. Race horse, slangily 19. “Como ____?” 27. Supped 29. ____-Wip (dessert topping) 32. Peru’s capital 33. Prince known for Verdi roles 35. Keep going 36. Rain jacket 37. Was slightly ahead 38. Opening to a brewer’s kiln 39. “That’s disgusting!” 40. First king of Jordan 43. Potential sunscreen
brand mascot 44. Compared to women, breast cancer occurs _____ 46. Ancient Assyria’s capital 47. Inventor of 80’s cubic craze 48. Decay 49. “If you don’t keep quiet you will be ____;” policeman’s threat 51. Amazon dolphin 52. Indian-style dish 54. Paths 58. SMS exclamation 59. Digs up 60. Qt. halves 61. It takes two to make____ 63. Not ____ many words 64. _____ toast to (saluted) 73. Accelerate 74. A type of symmetry with variables 75. Martin Luther’s hometown 77. Mother’s sister 78. Most calm 82. Movie opening, old school 83. Bee participant 84. Isosceles alternative 85. From Seoul 86. Extract 87. Freshman athlete, possibly 88. Abbr. for people with only two names 89. Oregon Trail medicinal root 90. Abstain 94. Pouches 95. Vex 97. Revise 98. Fill completely 99. Ladies: Sp. 101. DVD predecessor 103. “If You Leave” band, for short 104. Spanish aunt 105. Suffix for front or cash Soulutions to “No End Insight” A R E N L E T I A N O N E C E N T A G U Y P R E R E V U I T A N S E N O T A K H A K L OM E I H I MO N O T H E P E B U E N A N G E G E A R
A T T A O B N D A E R S A C P T O E D K E M I D OW H E I I S N E P O L I L L N D E O S L O E D
A S A N T E P A L M T R E E S A G T S
N B E O A R U R I G E R E A G E T O N E M E A P I N G A R A I D E N T D E H E I U A N N S I G N S R E D R E R I N G E N E E C S L A T
A T A D
S P O T I R O N W A F F L E
D S E T L R T R E O E N O T E S E O W OM A V I D EWE R E S I A I N G S S U R I E A D E E L S
E B O N D S
V O O D O O
S I T E G P A T
P R O N O U P A N A T G T M A I A N C D C T A O S T WO O
R N A P S
E R E N E S S T S P H O O I E D
U O N O N S
Move-In Madness A Tale of Ignorance, Deceit, and Tragically Courageous Kitchen Appliances BY ALFRED ARMSTRONG Former Retiree
Many students left the move-in market satisfied with their last minute purchase of necessary college goods. Sharpies, staplers and even blenders were available at the move-in market for as little as five dollars! But every smart purchase was accompanied by a clear feeling of guilt: everyone knew that these cheap goods couldn’t have been acquired by honest means. Think about it, have you ever left a blender behind in your room? When you leave for the summer, don’t you look behind you to make sure you haven’t left behind a $20 piece of equipment? And even if you did leave a blender behind, wouldn’t your grubby little roommate snap it up before the The gang shouldn’t have been using their school could ever get its hands friend Stilly the still without paying protection money. on it? In order to find the true source of these items, Blowfish investigators asked volunteer Cynthia B. Potter whom the market benefits. She responded, “Oh, you know, the school or whatever.”
But upon further review, it would appear that the money does not go to “the school or whatever.” The Blowfish snuck into the Official Move-In Market Van once the festivities were finished to see Do you snort when you see our where the volPhotoshops? Ache to help us out with unteers would take the money. our crosswords? Prove your worth: Come Once the van to a Blowfish meeting or E-mail us at was loaded, five large volunteers email@example.com. We aren’t just for packed into writers, you know. the vehicle and drove deep into the depths of Little Italy. Once there, they handed a fat wad of cash to two Italian-looking men dressed in full pinstripe suits. They were most probably members of the Mafia. Our investigators were in too deep, so they were forced to continue riding in the van to the thugs’ next destination. The Mafia members parked in a dark alley and chased after a group of adorable electrical appliances directly from the feature film “The Brave Little Toaster.” They then pulled out their Uzis and callously massacred the characters in cold blood. The men then picked up the appliances and loaded them into the van, likely to be sold at the next move-in market. Fact: The move-in market opened in 1999. Fact: The last sequel to “The Brave Little Toaster” was released in 1999. Should Brandeis continue to support this genocide?
S T I N G
E M I L E S E N