John Q. earns Time’s “Person of Year” Award. Page 2. David Beckham joins MLS; soccer still gay. Page 2. Blowjob of the week: Einstein Bagel Girls. Page 3. Mayor bans trans-fats, fat trannies. Page 4.
JANUARY 18, 2007 VOLUME #2 ISSUE#8
WELCOME BACK CARTER THE HARDEST WORKING FISH IN BLOW-BUSINESS
With a very special guest, The Secret Service
BY DANIEL PIPES Former President
In one of the country’s largest feuds, rivaling only “Picard vs. Kirk,” and “Trump vs. O’Donnell,” Jimmy Carter has beaten back Alan Dershowitz’s attempts to debate the former President at Brandeis. “This is a huge victory” says Carter, celebrating in his home state of Georgia. “I totally showed that Dershbag.” Carter’s new book, Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid has drawn major criticism nationwide for his views on the Arab/Israeli conflict. Some chapters, such as “Chapter 23: The Jewish Douchebag Jesus-killers” and “Chapter 31: Why Arabs
Could Run Hollywood Better, Too” have put the former president on the defense. “Honestly, I have no idea what the big problem is...lol” said Carter, in a rare AIM press-convo with Reuters. “I mean, I was the prez! I know, I know, peeps say I didnt do nething in office, but I mean, look at Harding and Polk. they didn’t do shit. I can put my opinion in a book if I want 2... At least this president can read and write! rofl!!!1” Reuters’ only followup was “I am away from my computer right now.” Reactions to the initial announcent of Carter’s visit varied around campus. Some, such as the Committee to Listen to Old White Dudes, applauded the
rael and noted smoked herring enthusiast, outcome. The committee’s spokesman, was originally asked by a campus commitLarry Whiteman, said “We’re inspired tee to debate Carter. Dick Kensington, a by Carter’s determination and are actumember of the Committee of Undergradually surprised to see this particular former president making any decisions at all, con- ates Negotiating Times for Speakers, said, “We were excited by the idea of having sidering he’s like 90. That’s like almost a two opposing opinions argued orally. We million.” hoped the head to head encounter would Others, such as dickhead sophomore result in an orgy of political ideas on a Ellijah Salvador, are appalled. “Honestly, very touchy subject, and we believe that I was cool when the school hung up the Nazi flag in Shapiro,” screamed Salvador. this sort of stimulation will be great for “But this shit? This Carter dude is downright obscene. You - Former President Jimmy Carter don’t wanna know what I heard about that sicko and peanuts.” the campus as a whole.” Still others, mostly midyears, have no Kensignton, who negotiated the time clue what’s going on, clinging onto their for the event eloborated, “people are all new ID holders while staring blankly and scared of offending some Jimmy whoevdrooling. er-nobody, when we could be having Alan Meanwhile, Alan Dershowitz, who Dershowitz on campus! Alan Freaking many hoped would debate Carter, or at Dershowitz! People’s “Sexiest Lawyer of least challenge him to a jello-wrestling the Year!” match in a cherry-flavored Linsey Pool, University President Jehuda Reinharz has chickened out of the debate after presdownplayed Kensington’s anger. “Obvisure from Carter. According to reliable ously, there are a few little turds who will sources, during Carter’s visit Dershowitz complain no matter what,” he explained, will be watching football and breaking “but, the fact of the matter is, Jimmy into his stockpile of Cheetos, Pabst Blue Carter is coming to our campus for an Ribbon, and Fried Baby. In an interview at his home, Dershowitz exclusive event for members of our community. That’s a real honor and a very sat on his La-Z-Boy while he spoke with special occurence. I mean, the guy was The Blowfish. “I mean, it’s not that bad a loss,” said the orange-lipped, flesh-gorged arguably the best guitartist ever.” When The Blowfish suggested that the president attorney. “Wait, I was talking about the might be thinking of the late, great Jimi Eagles game. What were you talking Hendrix, Reinharz simply said “Well about? Hey! Don’t write that down!” excuse me while I kiss this guy.” This guy Dershowitz, author of The Case for Iswas not available for comment.
“I totally showed that Dershbag.”
Dean Adams tells Midyears: “Stop being so racist” politically correct college students. The admissions office has been struggling with this problem for the past four years, and according to the Dean of Admissions, Gil This January, for the fourth year in a row, a new wave of students arrived about Villanueva, “No one has forgotten the infamous “Hoot incident” three years ago, five months after “normal” freshmen mawhen The Hoot’s midyear correspondent triculated at Brandeis. The reason for the (who wasn’t quite human enough to be late start, according to the officials at the a regular correspondent) wrote ‘I don’t Brandeis admissions office, is that these think Carlos Mencia is funny’ in an arti“midyears” are “not quite up to par, and cle. The uproar “These midyears are slow! And when we say slow, caused by this racist comwe’re talking Rob Reiner-on-a-treadmill slow.” ment lasted months.” - Brandeis Admissions Office Representative forVillanueva continued, “We were about to stop the midyear quite frankly a little slow. And when we program and just leave these kids to rot say slow, we’re talking turtle-on-opium at Tufts, but then Dean Adams came to slow. We’re talking Rob Reiner-on-athe rescue... [H]e came into our office treadmill slow, I mean, we’re talking --” one day,” Villanueva continued, “and ofthe official was mysteriously quieted as fered to ‘teach these punks to stop being an unknown individual hit him in the face so racist.’” with my hand. Dean Adams’ presentation takes a These students, who call themselves “midyears” regardless of the fact that they slightly different approach to the tolerance issue, while maintaining the same are starting school at the beginning of the end goal. In a slam-poetry battle/interyear (go figure!), are in the unfortunate view with the Blowfish Dean Adams position of missing a great deal of imexplained, “Maura Cullen. She waits portant experiences and programs that all until the end...to tell that she’s a les... “regular” freshmen enjoy – specifically, bian. But, I can’t do... THAT. Cause the shocking power-point presentation that would be WACK. (heavy breathabout tolerance, presented by the famed ing) Cause I’m not...a lesbian. BUT just Maura Cullen during orientation week. like HER...I save my surprise to the end, Without this vital presentation, admistoo. Now, I may be at ‘deis, but i’m no... sions officials have expressed concern JEW. My surprise...at the end...will give that “begin-year” students will lack the these youths a panic attack ack ack. I essential know-how to become well-adjusted, liberal-minded, genocide-stopping, tell them that they’ve been tolerant of BY HERBERT “THE VACUUM” HOOVER Super Fly Guy
me, and that I’m actually BLACK.” After extensive testing, the Blowfish was able to verify that Adams is indeed black. This year Adams stepped in to ensure that midyears would be more respectful to others. “Stand up if you are a valedictorian,” he told the mid-years, attempting to mirror Cullen’s presentation. “Stand up if you like Twix. Stand up if you are bicurious.” The program seemed to work as students started to realize that the human race is one big family, a family that pretty
much universally likes the combination of chocolate, caramel, and graham cracker. “We may come from different backgrounds, and have different skin colors, but we were all conceived the same way, when our dads laid on top of our moms and inserted Tab A into Slot B,” commented one midyear. Another agreed, “Tonight, I’m going to take the BranVan into Waltham and hug some fat guy.”
Inside THIS ISSUE
Alan Dershowitz plans to sneak into event wearing a Carter mask. Page 41. Fun, Excitement and Adventure: A Midyear’s Guide to what you missed in Fall 2006. Page 42. Saddam Hussein hanged, picture hung. Page 43. New Orleans Saints float to NFC Championship. Page 44. Obligatory Ed Callahan pot-shot. Page RightHere.
I’m the Person of the Year!
LETTER TO THE EDITOR Beckham comes to the U.S. Soccer still gayer than cock pizza Dear Editor,
Slice of Apple Pie BY JOHN Q. PUBIC American
It was late December and I strolled out to the mailbox. There were some bills, a notice about a missing child (she’s not missing, just in the basement), and then I saw it: The Penthouse Winter Nipple Special! After reading the magazine from cover to cover (Penthouse journalism is really top-notch), I noticed another magazine. With a picture of me on the cover. Apparently, the national crapmongerers at Time Magazine have named me the 2006 “Person of the Year.” I guess my hard work as an investigative editorializer and quasi-attractive ladies’ man has finally paid off. And honestly, it’s about fuckin’ time. Get it? Time? Like, Time and... okay. But, seriously, what took you guys so friggin long? ConJohn Q. broke up Britney and K-Fed, gratu-fuckinlations Time killed Gerald Ford, and conceived Magazine on Barack Obama... securing him Time’s the slowest award this year. news break of all time. What are you going for next week? “Christ born?” I mean, if me breaking up Britney and K-Fed, killing Gerald Ford, and conceiving Barack Obama didn’t convince them, then what finally made them come around? I assume the proverbial deal was sealed the other day, when I gave a homeless person a good talking-to. I mean, all that progress, and I’m a humanitarian to boot? In retrospect, I was a shoe-in for this award. Of course, if I had the time, I would formally thank Time for recognizing that I am The Shit. But as they probably know, I’m way too important now to talk to some second-rate magazine. Now that I’ve become even more famous, I spend my days in the mold of a true celebrity: wake up at noon, shower till one, eat lunch, watch cable till the sun goes down. Then I start drinking. To be honest, it’s not much different from my old routine, except that now I’m showering regularly. Except I haven’t really had time to “actually” take those showers; I usually just spend that hour beating off and trying to remember where I put my wallet. But hey, nobody’s perfect. Besides me, of course. I figured Time would send a reporter to come talk to me about the award, but if there’s one thing I gotta
“Time Magazine has finally recognized my hard work as an investigative editorializer and quasi-attractive ladies’ man.” hand it to them on, it’s that they’ve pretty much stayed out of my hair. They realize that I’m way too busy for any of that PR fluff crap. And I am – these baseball cards aren’t going to put themselves in plastic sleeves in chronological order by the team’s geographic region. I mean the freakin’ Pacific Northwest alone took almost an entire hour! I’ve got to stay on top of this shit; it’s what got me to where I am today. Fame ain’t gon’ change me. Seriously though, I am a little worried about what fame could do to me. These days I’m just trying to keep it all from going to my head. It’s a pretty weighty responsibility, being so totally badass all the time and being the most important person of a whole entire year, so I make sure that I still get my requisite 14 hours of sleep every night. National treaures need to be handled carefully. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go take the most important dump of the century.
“He’s coming! He’s coming!” Those were the rough and effeminate shrieks I heard last week from my sister Karen and my gay brother Jimmy after the announcement that David Beckham was coming to America. It’s pretty awesome: the gayest straight guy in the world, the hubby of a Spice Girl, the guy who inspired “Bending it,” Sir David Walter Beckham III has decided to spend his last washed-up years kicking for the Los Angeles Galaxy. Yet, even with all the hullabaloo, I still don’t care about soccer. The short-shorts, the clock that counts up, the whole not-using-your-hands thing… I just don’t get it. There is that whole yellow-card, red-card thing… they’re giving cards to each other now? What is this, some kind of gay European Valentine’s Day? And look at the biggest American soccer stars. Freddy Adu? More like Freddy A-don’t. And Pele? How about springing for a last name, dickweed? He’s like Cher, only gayer and even less relevant. And... well, I don’t know any other soccer players, so there you go, more proof that it sucks. I don’t know anything about it, it sucks. Like “Universal Health Care.” Why does the universe need health-care? And I don’t know why I even saw that movie, Bend it Like Beckham. It totally sucked. I waited the whole movie for the team-shower scene, and nothing! If I wanted to see a girl kick some balls, I’d have told Bjork that she’s ugly. First of all, the Europeans like soccer, and the Europeans like to surrender. People who surrender are pussies, therefore, all soccer fans are pussies. If Socrates taught us anything (and he didn’t) it’s that. It’s called logic. Look it up, it’s before logistics but after loggoreah. Why can’t people just stick with real, American sports, like synchronized swimming, figure skating, and Aussie rules football? But the most disappointing thing is that soccer coulda been cool. That dude head-butting the other dude in the World Cup was sweet; if only the other guy would’ve
responded with a punch to the nads. Also, when that girl, Brandi Chastain, ripped off her shirt after winning the World Cup, I was interested. Very interested. But she never responded to my letters, so I went back to hating soccer. You know, there’s that team, the New York “Red Bulls”, who “The short-shorts, the clock got bought out by the that counts up, the whole energy drink. I hope not-using-your-hands thing... that the L.A. Galaxy I just don’t get it.” become the Los Angeles “Coke Zeros.” Then at least their name will reflect my level of interest in the team. It’s Zero, by the way. Not Coke. Coke is way more interesting than 22 euro-queers kicking around a polka-dotted-bitch-sphere. But, I guess this Beckham dude isn’t so bad. He said in an interview that he’s excited to play football in the future. That’s a good idea. I mean, besides the fact that he’s totally selling out, at least he’s finally come to realize what I’ve been saying all along…that soccer sucks, but it might be better in the future, with jetpacks and laser beams, and renamed “Laserbeam Jet-ball.” Soccer sounds like sucker, and that’s what anyone who watches this crap is. A soccer. Love, Ronaldinho ‘012
WHAT WAS YOUR NEW YEARS RESOLUTION?
Dick Clark: “Move my face.”
James Brown: “Bring back soul. My soul.”
Saddam Hussein: “GE_ H_NGED.”
Tony Romo: “Learn the Heimlich manuever. I hear it helps stop choking.”
JOKE OF THE WEEK: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Why the long face?” BLOWFISH RECRUITMENT NIGHT Sunday - Jan 21 - 9 pm Village TV Lounge www.brandeis.edu/~blowfish
Hannibal Lecter: “Start eating healthier.”
Pinocchio the Midyear: “I want to be a real student.”
FOR READING Editors
David Klasko Jonathan Krisch
Sam Roos JoshuaLouisSimon
Jessica Axel Daniel Baron Alex Braver Judah Druck Sean Patrick Hogan Marianna Faynshteyn
Josh Gondelman Jay Judah Jonathan Kay Daniel Levy Anthony Scibelli Derek Tesser
YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
Saddam hanged, world peace achieved BY GERALD “HANNA”FORD Acid head-dipper
country are laying down their arms and replacing them with American flags, expressing their undying love and devotion for the land of the free and the home of the Moments after the Iraqi government completed the brave. Let freedom reign!” execution of Saddam Hussein, Private Jee I. Joe found a Rice also mentioned that she had just solved the surprise underneath a couch in one of the deposed Iraqi Israeli-Palestinian conflict, ended the crisis in Sudan, dictator’s palaces: massive stockpiles of hidden chemical, cured cancer, stopped the mullet, brought about the Age biological, and nuclear weapons. “It was incredible— of Aquarius, and successfully traveled back in time to right after the execution, the weapons just appeared out of assassinate Hitler before the Holocaust even happened. “Oh yeah,” Rice mentioned before leaving the A jubilant President Bush danced to the song podium, “we found that Osama guy, too.” No “Celebrate Good Times (Come on!)” in front of word, however, on Rice’s efforts to complete her master-level Sudoku puzzle. a “Mission Even More Accomplished!” banner. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the new leader of the young upstart “Democratic” Party, nowhere! It’s like, somehow, Saddam’s death suddenly had planned to adjustified this entire war!” Scattered reports of flying pigs dress the nation in and unicorns were also reported throughout the war-rava response to the aged country. administration’s A jubilant President Bush, speaking in front of a “MisBush spoke to the sion Even More Accomplished!” banner after landing a American people Navy aircraft on the USS Victory, addressed the American people in a primetime speech yesterday afternoon, from the USS saying, “I told you so!” while dancing to the song Victory, before “Celebrate Good Times (Come On!),” by Kool and the joining Cheney Gang. He was then led away to play with his Nintendo and Rumsfled for Wii (which the president called “totally bitchin!”) and a pajama-karaoke was replaced by Secretary of State Condeleezza Rice. party. Rice informed the public that “insurgents all across the
speech, but abruptly cancelled. When The Blowfish asked for comment, Pelosi explained, “We weren’t prepared to deal with the President doing something right—now that his poll numbers are going up, we’ll have to find a strategy that doesn’t rely on being not George W. Bush. We’re probably going to just join them, and start a campaign to put all aborted fetuses in the armed forces.” Democratic presidential hopefuls John Edwards and Hillary Clinton were reportedly seen crying with their respective campaign staffs, while Vice President Dick Cheney and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld are believed to be planning a celebratory pajamakaraoke party. According to reports, no girls will be allowed, although Rice clearly planned otherwise, telling The Blowfish “We’ll just see about that.”
Gore, to all: ‘I told you so, bitches’ BY JAMES “KISHKA” POLK Winter Break Masturbator
I keep cool. Notice the stalactites above your head. And the stalagmites below. You can remember the difference because stalactites need to be ‘tight’ to hold onto the As soon as former Vice President Al Gore stepped out ceiling.” The vast and enormous ice cave, the contents of of his front door one day during the first week of January, which are all also made of ice, was built with the intenhe began to get all high-and-mighty. “I told you so,” Al tion of keeping Al Gore’s family alive after the world had Gore proclaimed to his empty lawn. “Let it be known that been burnt to a crisp. “It’ll be up to us to repopulate the I should’ve been president, motherfuckers!” Gore belEarth,” Gore said while leaning back in his ice-chair and lowed towards his lawn gnome and mailbox. drinking some iced tea with ice cubes from his ice-mug. What Al Gore was referring to, of course, was the When The Blowfish made mention of “El Niño” being unseasonably warm weather which seems to have struck a possible cause of the latest heatwave, Gore, whose iceNew England this winter. mug had become Of course Al Gore, a grafted onto his “Notice the stalactites above your head. And resident of Tennessee, tongue a la A probably shouldn’t be so the stalagmites below. You can remember the Christmas Story, surprised. “Tennessee is exclaimed “Thit! I difference because stalactites need to be ‘tight’ always kind of warm,” thithn’t think about explains certified weathto hold onto the ceiling.” that!” Gore then erologist Sonny Koldman. ripped the ice cup, - Al Gore, from his Ice Cave “Al Gore’s just looking and his tongue, for any reason to spring out of his mouth this ‘Global Warming’ and disappeared to shit on everyone.” Gore the further hidresponded with a rousing, den recesses of his “Oh bitch, bitch, bitch. Ice Cave, leaving You should have been a trail of blood prepared. Like me. I’m and some stunned always prepared. I’m Al Blowfish reporters ‘Gorification’ Gore. Do behind him. you like that? GorificaAs the reporters, tion? I’m testing it out.” extremities blackThe Blowfish recieved ened by frostbite, an exclusive interview with Gore in his hidden lair, The attempted to climb out of the cave, Gore returned with Ice Cave, located miles beneath the Earth. “This is where a LaserDisc copy of his documentary, An Inconve-
The rejected Carter questions
For the longest time, the Blowfish has owned www. carterquestions.com. This week, though, we received tons of questions, for some reason, to our website. Some of the question were totally wack. Check ‘em out:
Mr. Former President: In ten words or less: what did you accomplish during your presidency? Mr. Carter: Do you beleive in life after love? President Carter: Do you have change for a five? No, I need quarters. Coach Carter: Why did you let Timo Cruz back on the team after he walked out on your practice? Mr. President: I have a two part question: One: Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart. Two: Will you go to the box social with me? Sir: Do you have to have secret service around all the time? Like, i mean...even when you’re having sex...? Former President Customer: What flavor shmear would you like with that? JC: Is your refrigerator running? Jim-bo: Do you have any Billy beer left over? El Presidente: Te gustan churros? Me gustan churros.
nient Truth, which he projected on the ice in a dazzling display, rivaling even a Pink Floyd Laser Light Show (yes, really.) The film of a slideshow of the apocalypse was strikingly poignant and proved beyond a doubt that Global Warming is destroying the Earth. The reporters admitted that the presentation was “very convincing” but concluded that “Hey, one more Cadillac Escalade won’t matter either way.”
BLOWJOB OF THE WEEK
“JOBS THAT SUCK” THE EINSTEIN BROS’ BAGEL GIRLS This week we, The Blowfish, are honored to honor some of the newest heroines on our campus: the girls who work at Einstein Brothers Bagels. Sure, the bagel emporium’s name seems to imply that it’s run by a pair of brothers (although it is ambiguous as to whether the portly gentlemen in the logo are from the same mother, or just black), but these girls toil away anyway, ignoring the blatant sexism staring them in the face. It might seem like just another job in dining services, but The Blowfish urges you to remember that these poor mench-ettes have to learn Yiddish just to work at this place. Shmear? That ain’t in the O.E.D. And Lox? What the hell is that? And as if toiling in that chauvinistic bilingual hellhole of a bagel shoppe wasn’t enough, the Bagel Girls have had to deal with allegations of nepotism in their hiring policies. The girls had no comment, but the Einstein manager told The Blowfish that the situation wasn’t so simple. “It’s all relative,” he explained. M.C. Squared could not be reached for comment. But regardless of these trials and tribulations, the bagel girls forge on, lighting the way with bagel toasting technology that puts Usdan’s toaster to shame. These paragons of bagel-making have helped make Brandeis University a better place, and we salute them for you. Except for the one who always lets the fucking cream cheese get all in the center of the bagel, and it ends up like squirting all over! It’s awful! Doesn’t she know there’s a hole in it? It’s a bagel for Christ’s sake, not a cream cheese sandwich.
80 84 91
106 107 108
110 111 115
Part of this Complete Crossword! ...Silly Rabb Steps... Across 1. Particular grains 5. My pal Lenin 9. iPhone company 14. Shock and ____ 17. Kill a fly, perhaps 18. Column type 20. “____ Johnny!” 21. Train tracks, abbr. 22. “Bee happy, Bee healthy, Bee very, very rich!” Part of this complete breakfast? 26. Consume 27. Green water plant 28. Alpine racer 29. AIM alternative 30. “Up the ____” 31. Campus org. with some Seoul 33. Weaving machine 35. Loompahs, informally 37. Gasoline company 40. “Two scoops: Campus and Waltham!” Part of this complete breakfast? 45. Peace org.
119 120 121
125 126 129
94. “...old lady who lived in ____” 96. Egypt and Syria, formerly 98. Poet St. Vincent Millay 99. Large, red deer 100. “Follow your nose...but watch out for traffic!” Part of this complete breakfast? 105. Attitude, cheek 106. Smorgasbord 109. Doc. org. 110. And so on, briefly 112. Utilizes 113. Reports, in Office Space 115. Window alternative, on a plane 118. Sharon or mermaid 122. Bitterly regret 123. “But it doesn’t taste like synagogue!” Part of this complete breakfast? 127. Daily’s show on MTV, formerly 128. “Pardon my French, sir, but you ____ asshole!” 129. Sufficient, enough 130. Sony TV line 131. Covert operator 132. “Bye Bye Bye” group 133. Letter 23’s, for the Greeks 134. “____ we forget...”
46. I pity this spouse? 47. Telepathy, clairvoyance, for short 48. “____ in Heaven” 52. “Lobbying for pots of gold, rainbows, and me red balloons!” Part of this complete breakfast? 57. Insect, rodent, or little sibling 60. Like a valley or a baritone 61. Greeting 62. Fish eggs (or David Spade’s new TV show) 63. Musical theater potpourri 64. FIFA World Cup winner 65. “____ had a hammer...” 67. Taylor, “The Tool Man” 68. Corn heads 69. Cleopatra killer 70. “How do they cram all those shows into that theater?” Part of this complete breakfast? 76. Current Superbowl numeral 78. Valid, factual 79. Elijah Mohammad org. 80. Gershwin brother 81. Long time 82. ZBT and DTX 83. Football scores 84. “Female friend,” to Paco 88. Egg drink 89. Frolic 90. “They’re grrreat for housing parties!” Part of this complete breakfast?
Down 1. Labor safety org. 2. Missing, in the milit. 3. Astronaut orange juice 4. Tenderloins 5. Actor Diesel 6. Reed or Rawls 7. Tiny hill dwellers 8. Compact ____ 9. Tuna variety 10. Curly ‘do 11. Jail 12. First to walk in space, Aleksei 13. Letter 19 14. Stadium, venue 15. Extreme anger 16. Famed Senator Kefauver 19. Spicy meat or bean dish 23. “Seen All Good People” group 24. ____ Flux 25. Explores physically 30. Window glass, ANAGRAM 32. Land fighting force 34. Butterworth title 36. Not shiny finish 37. On drugs 38. Women’s fashion magazine 39. Aretha’s genre 41. Curve, curvature 42. “Kind of” modifier 43. Scares, shocks 44. Come into view 49. Jennifer Garner show 50. Festers 51. Switch, trade
53. Cut, as in toe nails 54. Former Secretary Annan 55. “____ rage,” as seen in an MLB locker room 56. Keepsake, souvenir 58. Ortho’s birth control patch 59. Fishy roll 63. Check-out checkpoint 66. 101 class 70. Golfer Vijay 71. Mass measure 72. End product 73. Affirmative Gestures 74. Asian Sea 75. Cass, to some 76. Warrior Princess 77. British bathrooms 82. Pierre’s brother 85. Swedish furniture 86. Hair products 87. Consults Jeeves 90. Abe, the Sausage King of Chicago 91. Tokyo, Formerly 92. Like DNA, but not quite 93. Way to get to black 95. Kills, to a mobster 97. Mode predecessor 101. Beaver’s aquatic cousins 102. Bird of prey 103. Keatsian adjective 104. Turkish knight title 105. Chicken scratch 106. Reynolds and Bacharach 107. Take forcefully, as in power 108. Giants kicker Jay 111. ____ Mahal 114. Vocal libel, abbr. 116. Brick loves this 117. Actor Omar 119. Slushy alternative 120. Heart monitors 121. Law Sch. test 123. Official prohibition, embargo 124. Corp. 125. QB Manning 126. ___ Miserables
Solutions to “It Ain’t Shakespeare” S I G H
A T R Y
A C T I N
T A H O E
A L E C
I A M S
A M P S
U M I C H
D E M S E E N E P E S U R T N O R O L E S P L N S I T R R Y A M E E M B S M A O I O T R E T N I D O A N N G L E N A E Y C L
P I G P E N I S U N K T R E S E R A
H I S H A M S A G S A N O A M I L Y A R G O N T E R N C S S I A T H E S A T P S A H E L L A R E L L I C A G U R U R O R O C A W S
S P I T P A P A I M A C B N A H A M L C A N B E N I N A A L E M G O B S A R M P E S T C A N N O S I O U S M N S T I M H S T O A D J J A A N G E J U L E S A R D I P O O N
M D M A A N I N S T A A P T E U S T O N R U N S
S T E V E
P U T I T
A G H S
R O O S
A L S O
S E E N
S H O A H
D A N T E
I N K E D
Z I P S
Z U L U
Y S O N
LOCAL NEWS SPOTLIGHT
After banning trans-fats, Waltham bans fat trannies BY CHESTER “BEA” ARTHUR Food Network Hottie
NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s move to have the Big Apple ban trans-fats inspired similar legislation from a smaller, dirtier, more rotted apple: Waltham, MA. This historic move has been lauded by liberals and conservatives alike. The liberals see this as the first step to a healthier America, while conservatives simply enjoy talking about any topic which doesn’t begin with “I”and rhyme with Schmiraq. However, while the New York bill simply forbids the use of transfats in food, the Waltham bill will take the measure to the next level, and along with banning TransFats, the Boston suburb will also ban Fat Trans. The city will soon be cleared of all the overweight transexuals, much like the snakes being cleared out of Ireland, only oddly attractive. According to Waltham’s legislature, Waltham is committed to fighting fat in all of its ambiguous forms. Waltham mini-celebrities seem to appreciate their representatives’ choice in this matter. “Moody Street is a strange enough place as it is,” said Tom of Tom
Can Cook. “At least now I can stop wondering if that fat guy with tits is just obese or actually tryin’ to be the Mother of India.” Other local businesses were asked to comment. Unfortunately, a translator was not availible to help speak with Tara’s Pizza. Members of the Waltham Police Department who have been commissioned to enforce the new legislation have raised many questions. “I don’t think we’ve been properly trained to identify someone as ‘transitioned’ or , and ‘fully fat,’” complained WalPo Lieutenant P. Arty Pooper at an information session. “Like I tell my kids right before they go to bed,” explained Waltham Police Commissioner , “Shoot tranvesties first, calculate the body mass index of their dead corpses later.” Surprising support for the initiative has come from the Metro-West chapter of the Human Rights Campaign. Chip Chardenay, the campaign’s spokesman, had this comment. “They make us look bad. I mean, I don’t jazzercize forty-five minutes a day to have the one positive stereotype about the GLBT community ripped from
my perfectly manicured hands.” In fact, out of all the G,L,B, and T communities in and around Waltham, only one of those letters has come forward to protest the initiative. And they are lesbians. So, that may not even count. Not because they’re lesbians; because they’re women. At the most recent press conference on
the issue, Herb Le Pew, City Councilman and maitre d’ at The Chateaux ended with this declaration, “It is my solemn promise, that by the end of 2007, I will clear The ‘Tham of the overweight androgeny that clogs our streets and our plumbing.” Said one protesting lesbian, “So wait, now we can’t wear clogs?”
Trans-fat (left). Fat trannie (right).