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A guide to surviving family weekend. Page 2. Flogging Molly reviewed. Page 3. Idiots, stoners, trapped in hole. Page 3. BranVan does something right! Page 4.

OCTOBER 26, 2006 VOLUME #2 ISSUE#5

TAKING MORE THAN ONE CANDY BAR FROM THE “PLEASE TAKE ONLY ONE” JAR SINCE 1948

Brandeis sucessfully tests first nukes! Recent power outage revealed to be side effect of nuclear testing

BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Smiter

After this month’s blackout, rumors about its origins have been flying. AlQaida, Bentley students, and the ghost of Mr. Rogers have all been mentioned as suspects. But, in front of the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday, President Jehuda Reinharz announced the true source of the blackout: Brandeis has successfully tested its first nuclear weapon. In fact, Brandeis has been working on nuclear weapons for some time now, covering up the Carl J. and Ruth Shapiro Lower East Side Manhattan Project under the umbrella of the Heller Construction and Science Complex Renewal Project. “At first, pushing dirt back and forth on Chapel’s Field was a practical cover-up,” said Jehuda as he sunk his teeth into a Cowboy Burger at a summit in The Stein this afternoon with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (who enjoyed the Meditteranean Duet at The Stein) and Kim Jong Il (who thought the Spicy Chicken Pad Thai was a bit too spicy, but, on the whole, “pretty

mornings only, between the hours of damn tasty”). Reinharz continued, “But after our test warhead induced the campus 7 and 9 AM. Three minutes prior to each explosion, I will play the North power outage, we realized our WMD status needed to be made public to the global Korean national anthem, Aegukka, on my office computer. The all clear community.” signal of Sorud-e Melli-e Iran will The University plans to continue its testing in the barren wasteland of Chapel’s play after the explosions are finished.” field; however, in order to give students When quizzed about his playing adequate time to save their illegal downthe North Korean loads and anthem instead evacuate Brandeis has been working of perhaps campus, it an American has developed on nuclear weapons for some song, Reinharz complex time now, with a program responded, warning called the “Carl J. and Ruth “Francis Scott signaling Key was a total system. “The Shapiro Lower East Side ass. I’m not putlast thing we Manhattan Project.” ting another need here at nickel in his pocket.” Brandeis is Key declined to comment from his grave for the student body to get any uglier due to radioactive mutations,” remarked Rein- in Maryland. Immediately after the announcement, harz, ironically chomping on a Warhead. Kofi Annan and member-states of the “We already look like Chernobyl victims Security Council met to discuss sanctions. and we’ve only been testing for a week.” One possible measure included eliminatReinharz then went on to detail the warning system. “Out of consideration for ing delivery options in the Waltham area, the student body, testing will be limited to forcing students to sustain themselves on

This is the reason why the TV stopped working in the Polaris lounge the other day. a strictly Aramark diet for long stretches at a time. President Bush also threatened to take military action, as soon as he could figure out where Massachusetts was located.

Boogeyman comes out of closet, terrorizes children shoulders,” Boogeyman said. “It felt like moths have been tearing the decaying flesh off of my face and arms for years. This is really going to let me pursue my hobbies In observance of National Coming Out like lurking, going bump in the night, and Day earlier this month, the Boogeyman, gardening.” ageless, emerged from the closet of TerSome close to the Boogeyman, however, rence Galvin, age 8. are less than pleased with his decision. “I Coming Out Day is a celebration of don’t have a problem with how anyone tolerance, accepting all human beings and chooses creatures, be they live homosexual, Repub“Don’t get me wrong, some of my best to their life, lican, or other kind but we of child-maiming friends are Boogeymen. It’s not that just don’t monster. Introduced they’re bad people; I just don’t want need his in 1953 by Senator type in Joseph McCarthy, them around my kids.” this part the holiday was of town,” originally intended - Kermit Phelps said to trick Communeighbor nists into revealing Kermit themselves before Phelps. “Don’t get me wrong, some of my burning them on stakes. Cities across the country are filled with parades and celebra- best friends are Boogeymen. It’s not that they’re bad people; I just don’t want them tions, where people chant catchy slogans like, “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to around my kids.” When the Boogeyman initially came out it!” or “I’m here, to scare, then kill you!” to young Terrence Galvin, he was sure to “This is really a weight off of my choose his words carefully, for efficient BY POLLY POMERANTZ Bed-wetter

Inside THIS ISSUE

North Korea nukes Ridgewood. “Well, that takes care of that,” says Jehuda. Page 3. A “Boo-Fish” Halloween Special and other reasons to hate puns. Page 3.1. Spring ‘07 Course Registration: The DDR class and other guts. Page 3.14. The Blowfish presents a beginner’s guide to Satan Worship. Page 3.141. The Justice misspells journalism, but not masturbation. What do they know more about? Page 3.1415.

communication. He took a deep breath, wheezed heavily, and stated plainly, “I will chew off your toes. Your parents are robots who don’t love you. And when you reach the retirement age, there will be no social security.” Galvin, predictably stunned, told the Blowfish simply, “I want my mommy.” The Boogeyman is not the only monster to take advantage of Coming Out day. Irv, the Campus Troll that lives under Gosman Bridge, took the opportunity to leave his post and wander aimlessly around campus, scaring unsuspecting freshman

and eating billy goats. According to the BroFish, our sister paper in Japan, Godzilla used the holiday to come out of the ocean and sing and dance across downtown Tokyo in celebration. There were no survivors. The Boogeyman described his socalled “life in the closet,” as a dark, cold universe, where the rivers were filled with blood, the water was as scarce as gold, and gold was nonexistent. “For the first time, in a long time, I feel free,” the Boogeyman told the Blowfish. “And I like it.” On a side note, children across America are advised to sleep with their lights on, and to check under any and all beds before being tucked in.

Purple Rain 0, Real rain 1 BY ABBY ABELSON-BASS-YALEM Goat

The Campus Party Formerly Scheduled for Friday October 20 was postponed after forecasts of heavy rain and strong winds. The postponement of “Purple Rain” which would have happened on the Great Lawn, occurred after a conspiracy between the administration and God. “Ya, apparently Jehuda knows a guy who knows a guy,” explained some guy who knows a guy who knows Jehuda. “That guy kinda knows a guy on the Swiss guard, so he was able to get the word over to the Pope who told The Big Man the deal during their weekly conference call with Joan Osbourne. Surprisingly, the administration was not looking to cancel Purple Rain, but simply to move it to a different weekend. Apparently, the administrators had “something to do” at Ed Callahan’s house this week-

end, but did not want to miss Purple Rain. The statement released by the President’s Office explained, “We never meant to cause you any problems. Never meant to cause you any pain. But did you have to pick this weekend?” The Student Union, which been planning Purple Rain for the past gajillion days was not only outraged, but quite sad. “I don’t understand how they could do this to us,” cried an outraged senator for the class of ‘010, (Seriously, he cried.) “They promised this would be the last time it got postponed! And now they go and pull that shit on us?! I’m gonna write quite a nasty memo to the Board of Trustees!” Unfortunately for the senator, the Trustees spent three quarters of their monthly meeting mocking the senator with whining and shreeking. “Waaa-waaa. I want my mommy.” mocked Chairman Stephen Kay. “This is what it sounds like when senators cry.”


opinionPAGE2 Upgrading from a permit A STUDENT’S GUIDE TO... surviving to a license to kill Slice of Apple Pie BY JOHN Q. PUBIC American

The other day I saw a preveiw for Casino Royale, the new James Bond movie, and it got me to thinking, “Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a license to kill?” I already have my Learners Permit to Kill, but that comes with an 11 p.m. curfew and the need for adult supervision. It’s kind of hard to kill people before 11, and not many adults are so down with that anyway. I asked my mom if I could get a License to Kill for Hanukkah, but she told me that would have to be my one big present. Now a difficult decision lay before me: forfeit eight smaller gifts and risk never getting my new roller blades, or be a man and take the License to Kill. I needed time to think. I downed a 40, stole my parents’ car, and headed straight for the “Blind Children

I already have my Learners Permit to Kill, but with that comes an 11 p.m. curfew and the need for adult supervision. at Play” neighborhood. After I ran over a boy walking his dog and two girls trick-or-treating (it’s ok, it was before curfew), I came to my decision. I would get the License to Kill. Then once I had it, I could kill whomever I wanted and simply take the rollerblades off the kid I just brass-knuckled. With that in mind, I realized that the killing world held so many more possiblities than I thought. Sure, killing people is fun, but it’s kinda like drugs: you need to mix it up every once in a while. It’s not just who you kill, but also how. For that reason, I have begun to carry a newly acquired palm pilot (Thanks to little Jimmy, 1997-2006) so every time I get a sweet killing idea I can just quickly jot it down. I’ve already got some ideas that I’m super psyched about. I haven’t seen the good ol’ piano string since about 1950, and honestly, who ever gets tired of leading people into quicksand, and pretending you’re trying to save them, but “the branch just isn’t long enough.” God, that never gets old. Now at this point you might be saying to yourself, “Mr. Pubic, with all that killing that you’re going to be doing, shouldn’t you have a trademark?” That’s exactly what I was thinking too. I mean, all the greatest employed a badass calling card. The Ace of Spades; liver, Fava beans, and a nice Chianti; and don’t forget Oddjob and his sweet hat (I always used him in Goldeneye; no one could kill me.) Then it hit me: my meal card. “Meal or points, bitch!” I would scream. Then, zoned in on my enemy’s head, I’ll fling the card across the room with Ming-like precision. Decapitation is so cool. I think this will be the best Hanukkah ever. And if its not, well, Mom better lock her door till 11.

THANK YOU

FOR READING Editors

David Klasko Jonathan Krisch

Sam Roos JoshuaLouisSimon

Staff

Daniel Baron Alex Braver Judah Druck Becca Friefeld Marianna Faynshteyn Leor Galil Pat Garofalo

Josh Gondelman Sean Patrick Hogan Jay Judah Jonathan Kay Daniel Levy Anthony Scibelli Derek Tesser

Contributors

Jefferson Arak Jessica Axel David Bass Jordan Goodnough

Becky Hughes Ethan Palmer Josh Mervis Noah Wolfson

a YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

family weekend

Ah, your family. The long-forgotten nobodies you left in the dust months ago, back from the watery-grave of your hometown to haunt your existence and ruin your life. But, unlike pirate zombies, who can be disposed of with a good cannon-blast, your family is likely paying good money so that you can read this newspaper and/or go to class, and while the cannon would eliminate them, you’re probably going to need that sweet, sweet tuition check. With that in mind, the Blowfish presents: A student’s guide to surviving family weekend. PROBLEM: Your parents grounded you for a month when you split a glass of champagne with your uncle at your sister’s wedding, so its unlikely that they’ll be okay with your veritable Arlington cemetery of Jaeger bottles and your life-sized statue of Jim Brown made out of Natty Light cans. SOLUTION: Tell your parents you are a sculpture major. Ignore their disappointed glares. Repeat until gainfully employed. PROBLEM: Alright, that takes care of the empties, but you’ve got like, 12 gallons of Flieschermann’s whiskey in the room too. SOLUTION: Step 1- Douse room in whiskey. Step 2Light room on fire. Step 3- Wake up sleeping roommate. Step 4- Collect insurance money. Step 5- Flee country. Step 6- Repeat. (Remember—Arson doesn’t pay insurance, so make it look like an accident. For those of you that are extra-ambitious, take out a life insurance policy on your roommate and remove Step 3.)

Shelf full of alcohol? Too big a pussy to drink it all Thursday? We’ve got six easy steps to successfully hiding it from your parents. PROBLEM: I’m supposed to spend a romantic night (read: hardcore bonage) with my girlfriend, but my parents insist that my 16 year old sister stays with me to get a taste of “College Life.” SOLUTION: What’s more collegiate than a first lesbian experience/threesome? PROBLEM: My parents want to take my friends and I out for brunch, but I resent them for making my childhood a living hell full of accordion lessons, purple nurples, and lederhosen-wedgies. SOLUTION: Order chocolate chip pancakes, do not finish them. Spill milk, cry. PROBLEM: I took an excessive dose of peyote this morning. SOLUTION: Seek out your animal spirit mentor. Beat him to death and eat his oily black heart. Buy dad “Brandeis Dad” bumper sticker. Repeat until gainfully enlightened.

Photo Poll:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR FAMILY OVER FALL FEST?

“Trivia night at the Stein.” ~ Ken Jennings

“I was supposed to bring my family? Damn... I thought this was an event celebrating the elegance of autumn.” ~ Mr. Tumnus

“The question is, what am I going to be doing with your mom, biatch.” ~ Your Roommate

“Oh, fuck you.” ~ Batman

BRAINSTORMING MEETING SUNDAY, OCT 29 11pm Village TV Lounge www.brandeis.edu/~blowfish

blowfish@ brandeis.edu

“Party Hopping.” ~ Charles Manson

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JOKE OF THE WEEK: How do you make a hot dog stand? Take away his chair!

“I’m not going. Tell your mother and her boyfriend to buy you an ice cream or something.” ~ Your biological father

this parent’s weekend...

remember... that your parents did it.


campusPAGE3

Brandeis begins program to eliminate idiots, stoners BY ADAM PEARLMAN Hoodie Addict

In a controversial move, Brandeis University has decided to remove the fence surrounding the mysterious hole outside of the science quad. For the past several weeks, the barrier has served to notify students of the ongoing construction on the walkway and has also prevented any possible accidents. For these reasons, the administration has chosen to remove it. Bob Balaban, Director of Public Unsafety and the would-be Director of Sexy Administrators if such a position existed, spearheaded the idea to take away the protective fence. “It’s purely Darwinian,” Balaban, a former Physical Education Major at Oxford School for Boys, told President Jehuda Reinharz. “We want the best and brightest attending Brandeis. And if they don’t care to look where they’re going, well, what can I say? They are not quite Brandeis material.” The administration initially balked at the idea of intentionally harming students but eventually gave in. “With

Ridgewood being torn down at the end of the school year, istration already has plans to dig at least a dozen holes in we realized that there was going to be a shortage of hous- various walkways around campus. These are to be coming,” Reinharz declared in a public statement. “Though it pleted by the time of family arrivals this coming weekwas not Balaban’s intention to solve the potential housing end. Balaban was adamant crisis, he about this timeframe for the really did “The way I see it, if the kids are dumb project. “The way I see it, us a huge if the kids are dumb enough favor. Those enough to fall in the holes, we don’t want to fall in the holes, we don’t holes are a want any of their crappy godsend!” any of their crappy DNA at our school.” DNA at our school either.” Reinharz The department has al - Bob Balaban was not the ready erected a sign outside only one of the original hole reading, enthused “Free Pot just ten feet ahead and slightly to the left.” about removing the barrier. With the fence blocking the Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan commented on this pedestrian walkway, the grass around the fence became plan from the bottom of the hole, yelling, “while I at first students’ new pathway and it was trampled relentlessly. questioned the method, I have found that it is surprisingly “How would you like it if we stepped on your heads?” effective.” One grass strand responded, still seething from one student’s rollerblades. Dubbing the hole construction “FallFest,” the admin-

Openers suck, Headliner rules Reviewer Hypothesizes about Flogging Molly concert

just one man and an elaborate system of holograms and pulleys.) Those are way better than bands that sound like one guy. My soul aches every time I remember that Clad in a scali cap and an old Dropkick Murphys Jethro Tull isn’t an electro-house act with a fixation on t-shirt, I eagerly awaited entrance to the Flogging Molly highly sexualized agricultural trade magazines. In any show last week. When I reached the front of the line, I case, lame. was rudely turned away, despite my readily visible BlowThere is no doubt in my mind that Flogging Molly, fish press pass. I was so mad that almost I smashed the the headliner, was awesome, and even if I had seen the beer bottle I was holding and went to find my pants. But, concert, or talked to someone who had been there, I I had made a commitment could not be more certain of my to review this concert, and assertion. The last time I saw by golly, I meant to fulfill Flogging Molly live, my friend my obligation for Brandeis Sully punched some chump in University’s third funnithe head. That chump was Sloest newspaper. So I sat bodan Milosevic. Then, Sully down on a nearby bench, went back to that guy’s house and, ass-cheeks pruning and had tender consensual sex from the afternoon’s rain, with his grandmother, who was I wrote about what I heard unexpectedly Chinese. Come and imagined what the rest to think of it, I’m not sure why was probably like. Slobodan Milosevic’s grandThe first band to take mother lived in the bathroom of the stage was Zox. I think an IHOP in Brighton, or why I heard an electric violin, she appeared to be sixteen years and from this, I inferred old... I guess some things in life that they were probably are meant to be remain mystergranola eating, sexually ies. omnivorous hippies. Also, The reviewer didn’t see the concert, but he assumes Anyway, this preformance there were unconfirmed ru- there was a mosh pit. was probably no different. I’m mors that they all took the pretty pissed off that I missed stage wearing “Mel Gibson Was Right” t-shirts, which I this part of the show, because I am totally confident that believe. I can’t, however, believe so many people came I would have gotten laid right in the middle of the action. out to support such blatant anti-Semitism, or that the Or, at the very least, I could have scored some drugs entire crowd (at the urging of the band) donned Klanand then humped a pile of coats. It’s likely also that style white hoods for a song called “Saturday Night’s All Flogging Molly performed atop a flaming pyre of Kevin White,” a poorly conceived Elton John parody. Now, Federline’s broken dreams and the hull of the Titanic. many of these things may not actually have transpired at They probably kicked so much ass that they brought all, but I wouldn’t know, because the dicks at the door about Chinese Democracy, and by that I mean both a wouldn’t let me in. free market economy in Asia, as well as the long-awaited I’m pretty sure that Bedouin Soundclash was not a Guns ‘n Roses album of the same name. I imagine that band at all, just some guy spinning old records by The they closed their show with a thirty four second rendition Clash and Bob Marley. Maybe it was one of those times of all the best chords in “Stairway to Heaven” and then where one guy names himself like a band, like Dashboard exited the room on a stretch motorcycle with the head of Confessional or The Polyphonic Spree (which is really a dragon. It was awesome, I’m sure. BY SALVADOR SWIG Prime Deli Spokesperson

Carl cuts Jehuda off Blackout, time-out ensue BY SALVADOR SWIG Prime Deli Spokesperson

After discovering that Brandeis students recently attended a “naked dance” under his watch, Carl Shapiro, Brandeis’ sugar daddy, cut Jehuda’s allowance and put him in a time-out. Approximately 7.3 seconds after Shapiro’s money was cut off, the University was unable to pay its electricity bills, and was forced to cut power to three quarters of the entire campus. Jehuda was then sent to his office, according to sources, to “think about what

he had done.” During the blackout, Jehuda spoke to The Blowfish, saying, “Carl doesn’t understand me, and he never will—I hate him!,” before slamming the door to is luxuriously furnished office, proceeding to the corner of the room, and pouting. When asked for comment, Shapiro said, “I’ve got to be the responsible adult here. When Jehuda misbehaves, he needs to be punished. After he’s had some time in his room, I can give him a stern talkingto…maybe even a spanking.”

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ALL WEEKEND LONG!

Shapiro Theater Thursday 8pm NG I K C Friday 8pm “FU SOME” Saturday 2pm, 8pm AWE Sunday 2pm Edward Albee’s The Goat or, Who is Sylvia?

Brandeis switches clocks back an extra ten minutes BY CASSANDRA CASTLE BTV Accuweather Forecaster

Jonathan Melock now has an extra ten minutes to masturbate in the morning. Because his girlfriend has finally learned to get the hell out of his room before he wakes up? No - because, due to Daylight Savings Time, Brandeis classes are now starting at 20 after the hour. The University has decided to turn the clocks back an additional 10 minutes for daylight savings time, so students will get to feel the effects of the half-year holiday. Ever since students complained that Judaism was overbearing at Brandeis (as if 92% were overbearing, come on, people!) the university has taken measures to highlight all religious practices, via e-mails to the student body. The University has especially catered to those in minority religious groups, including those of the Wicca religion, Earth-person atheists, Christians, and those wacky, wacky farmers. Since DST is the most important holiday for farmers (think the equivalent of Yom Kippur for Jews, Ramadan for Muslims, Thanksgiving for fatties), the religious accommodators at Brandeis have implemented this Daylight Savings Time decision.

DST is the most important holiday for farmers (think the equivalent of Yom Kippur for Jews, Ramadan for Muslims, Thanksgiving for fatties.) The farmers on this campus were ecstatic upon hearing the news. “For this here college to honor us folks, it’s really, really... good,” said farmer Joe Stevensen ‘08, chomping on an apple in the ICC. And, aside from a few puny protestors, i.e., Aramark and their fascist Union rules, everyone loves the new idea. “I think it’s great,” said Shmnthgyer Vowel. “I mean, if you average it out, that means, for the entire semester, we get a whole fifteen seconds off each day! Get ready, Super Smash bros! And those really short free porn clips!” The enthusiasm for the project is likely to be shortlived, however, when the students realize that, in the spring, daylight savings time will mean classes starting right on the hour.

Farmers doing farmer-esque things on Chapel’s Field.


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...So many words for just four little letters. Across 1. Terminate 4. Retail value, quickly 8. Arabic and Western rock fusion 11. Window glass 15. “To you,” to Pedro 18. G.O.A.T. = Rant on unrelated subjects? 21. Army absentee 22. Common preposition 23. G.O.A.T. = Muhammad Ali? 25. Sirhan Sirhan killed him 26. Above a Corporal 27. Spanish for bile 28. Snowy, poetically 30. Hugh of the Watergate scandal 32. L’Shana ____ 33. Sleeper disease, abbr. 34. Blood types 37. Tree juice 39. G.O.A.T. =Board the T? 45. Pale skin 49. College no. 51. Diet 52. “____ been a bad, bad girl...” 53. G.O.A.T. = Rain-check?

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107. Iowa city 111. More weight 115. Skin holes 117. Titanic enemy 121. Mac’s Windows 122. G.O.A.T. = Princess Fiona’s dilemma. loosely? 125. O’Neil’s The Hairy ____ 126. Anagram of LASH 127. G.O.A.T. = Rigged horse bet? 128. Melodic percussion instr. 129. Beginner, novice 130. After the ques. 131. “I’ll take ____ Martini, please...” 132. Commercials, for short

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58. Hebrew month that happens twice, sometimes 59. Jim Carrey lawyer flick 60. Titan is ____ of Jupiter 61. Livestock label 62. Mystery, briefly 63. Roman joke? 64. “Takin’ Care of Business” band 65. Beliefs and principles suffix 66. G.O.A.T. = Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau? 75. Secret gov. org. 76. Rev. War battle town 77. Swindle, cheat 78. AIM sign-off 80. Brandeis fun-cancellers (abbr.)? 83. Funeral poem 85. Relating to molecule makers 88. Distinctive walk, perhaps 89. G.O.A.T. = Matches on fake grass? 92. Like your Grandfather 93. Giant Barber? 94. Backfield buddy of 93 Across 95. Famed Northern European Renaissance man, plurally? 96. G.O.A.T. = Mia Hamm? 101. Tattoo slang 103. Compass dir. 104. Director Lee 105. Mucus, to you little brother

Down 1. Breakfast staple 2. Ephron or Jones 3. Proactive person 4. Barbie brand 5. Notepad with a line down the middle 6. Some be-dreaded Jamaicans, briefly 7. 4th down opt. 8. Tailor again 9. Not digital 10. “Don’t swat that fly, let ____!” 11. Gender neutral name 12. Better than a loss 13. Party convention verb 14. Lift up 15. Popular 70s hairstyle 16. Vegetarian stand-in 17. Irritates 19. Carps, badgers 20. Arrested Development brother 24. JD obstacle 29. Mess up 31. Important Region in Azerbaijan ____-Karabakh (Anagram of GROAN ON) 34. Geometry concern 35. Stadium noise or Ghost pastime? 36. Ear airline? (Anagram or OO, RITA!) 38. Presentation doc. 40. ____-Sang 41. With rod, a nerd 42. Elton John Broadway hit 43. Terrible Czar 44. Geek, dweeb 46. Airplane shakes, abbr. 47. Peachy city, abbr. 48. Backwards Roman Way 50. “Take on Me” band 54. Fighting seamen 55. Ban, boycott 56. Army in col. 57. “...____ my own horn...” 58. Comedia dell’____

61. “Spinning Wheel” band, for short 65. Tune-out 67. G, for example 68. AIM rival 69. Famous crocodile 70. Deer dames 71. Apple’s new gambling device? 72. Robin Hood place, abbr. 73. Blame, charge 74. Neil Young’s “Hold you in ____” 79. Michael Caine or Jude Law 80. Listening eagerly, curiously 81. Painter Salvador 82. Torah commentary, abbr. 83. Till or Smith 84. Chemistry suffix (Anagram of YEN) 86. Utah religion, briefly 87. FIFA champs 89. Cautiously, as in walking 90. Alternate title abbr. 91. Fresh Prince star Tatiana 93. West Side Story song 97. Bathroom, for short 98. Mon. night football channel 99. TE city, Chat____ 100. JP or Stanley 102. Stabbed 106. Semesters 108. Thespian 109. Teeny-____ 110. Justice Managing Editor LyonsWarren 111. Scam, ruse 112. Sports award 113. Boris’ Kitchen’s Jessica 114. Back 116. Chrysler convertible, briefly 118. Singer James 119. Tara or Andy 120. Country prod. indicators 123. Phagus opener 124. Prepared in, as in food 999. The Goat: 5 shows this weekend in the Shapiro Theater.

Solutions to “Chums Change” H A N D

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S O B P N A I T C H E R B E S I S T C A R S D O

E M N T I N P T S H Y C H

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E E N I R E S A O L I M R E E E C A E S B E O S

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A R D D L E S A C A MM E N A L R S L I K H E A F P O V O I C O F I T O A A N A L T G O S C N A D E R H F E L O N A C A V O I C E S O F R U N T T A E S T E R A L S

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O P P N A T G E R S E S C S L K I T A O N E R T A S A L M R S E R AW R O S E T H U R A C M E

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WORLD NEWS SPOTLIGHT

BranVan recieves prestigious award

driver and former New York taxi driver. The interview was delayed for several moments when Bickle repeatedly asked The BranVan, Brandeis’ oldest and the Blowfish if we were talking to him. He most inconsistent transportation into was the only one there, so we must have Waltham, has recently been awarded the been talking to him. Who the fuck did he Department of Health award. The prestithink we were talking to? gious award was given to the BranVan for Bickle repeatedly told the Blowfish forcing students to walk into Waltham, about the scum and corruption that he giving them much needed exercise. While sees as he drives through campus. Bickle bestowing asserted The interview was delayed for several the honor, that Ed Bureaucrat Callahan moments when Bickle repeatedly asked Billy Baldwas “too the Blowfish if we were talking to him. wig said, messed braggingly, up on “Thanks to the BranVan, students are smack” to do anything about the “hordes more fitter and less fatter than ever.” of lynch mobs who chase down the The BranVan has a prestigious history, van.” Bickle also seemed to be under the replacing the previous BranHorse and impression that President Reinharz was a Buggy in 1981. According to the Brandeis pimp for a twelve year old Jodie Foster. website, the BranVan “attempts to teach Some students have complained about students important lessons about dealing Bickle’s driving, stating that he frequently with frustration and disappointment.” brings the BranVan to porno theaters and The Blowfish received an exclusive “sketchy” corners frequented by hookers. interview with Travis Bickle, a BranVan “After all, we are an escort service,” BickBY SEBASTIAN SACHAR Member of Company A

le remarked, stroking Cybill Shepherd’s hair. Mostly, students complain about his frequent murder of pimps and degenerates while others are slow to comment about his attempts to pistol-whip frequent BranVan riders. Still, the Department of Health is sticking with its choice. The Department of Efficiency may also give the BranVan, or “The Van” as some people call it, a medal for its “ever-prompt service”; meanwhile, the Department of Clerical Errors is sending an investigative team into the Department of Efficiency in order to weed out complications due to inaccurate information. Along with these awards come commercial opportunities, as McDonalds and Phillip Morris have contacted the BranVan for help with their “Healthy Youth Initiative.” Finally, the Department of Inane Award-Receptions will be hosting a gala event for the BranVan’s recent accomplishments; transportation to the event will be provided by nobody.

Though Brandeis police are not allowed to carry firearms, for some reason, this maniac is.

October 26, 2006  

Fall 2006, Issue 5