Sukkit? That’s a holiday? Page 2. Usdan’s Ming kicks some ass. Page 3. Shula joins Screech in her acting debut. Page 3. Kim Jong Il, the whack job bonerball. Page 4.
OCTOBER 12, 2006 VOLUME #2 ISSUE#4
GETTING PAID $1 EACH TIME WE USE THE WORD “BONERBALL”
ADMIN. CANCELS WEEKENDS, FUN
speech to the pre-frosh at this fall’s open house. Reinharz was under attack from parents who were more than a little apprehensive about sending their children to a The recent hospitalization of three stuschool where the students “dance naked in dents following “The Less You Wear, the the streets, or even in that sukkah with all Less You Pay” dance has caused univerthe sushi. And the hookah. It’s just disgustsity officials to take action. “We need to ing.” Reinharz, flop-sweating like Richard address the alcohol issues on campus” said Nixon in a sauna, decided something had President Reinharz. “With all the perilous to be done. alcohol abuse on this campus, a myriad of The administrations actions have caused persons are vulnerable to its deleterious Saturday and Sunday to be completely effects,” added Rogets Thesarus. The even- disbanded, which oddly had no significant tual soultuion was to cancel the Less-Youeffect on the dining schedule. Fun, howWear... dance. ever, was a bit more complicated because, But apparently, that according to Uniwasn’t enough. Even versity officials, “We feel that this decision after the cancellation of “the definition is is necessary to curb the Modfest and the Less so open-ended.” You Wear... dance, the “We had to root raging party scene that has administration took out everything further action, announc- developed on this campus.” from the miding that it had officially night buffet, to Ed Callahan cancelled all weekends decorating the and fun for the rest of Louis Brandeis the academic year. statue, to sociology homework,” explained “We realize that this may come as a Student Life’s Rick Sawyer. He continued, shock to many of you,” said a suprisingly “I would’ve nixed IPTV as well, but Mark clear-eyed Ed Callahan. “But we feel Collins told me that Lane just got pregnant that this decision is necessary to curb the on the Gilmore Girls!” raging party scene that has enveloped this In their defense, administrators argued, campus.” “We don’t only cancel fun things. Look President Reinharz made the announcewhat we did with the Palestinian Art ment on Saturday—which immediately Exibit.” became a Brandeis Monday— during a While the move was surprising to the BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Biter
student body, those “in the know” saw these changes coming long ago. “I mean, after they cancelled Modfest and The Less You... dance, you had to see the pattern emerging” commented a secret service look-alike who works at all the special events. This is not the first time the University has cancelled a Less-You-Wear style dance. In 1998, Hillel organized a similar dance called Lilbosh Ktzat, but University Officials accused the Jewish organization of bilking money from its fully covered Orthodox population. “Even the Kippah counted for like five bucks,” cried Barak Arak. “I totally dropped my last bonerball on that dance, man.” Enraged Brandesians tried to organize a protest, but couldn’t find a time when they didn’t all have class. The Blowfish caught up with a few of them. “I mean, I was in favor of canceling the Less You Wear dance—who wants to look a fat kids’ and their bonerballs all night anyway—but this is too far! Now Shabbat services conflict with my Dance Dance Revolution class!” complained one student. “I think it’s a great idea,” countered another student. “Now I never have to watch Dane Cook butcher an SNL appearance ever again!” The debate raged into the night, and while little was decided, the students were able to agree that missing the new season of SNL was probably a good thing. “Clearly the administration is keen on putting the “study” back in university,”
commented Callahan before entering his Volkswagen Minibus last Monturday. The school’s name may be changed accordingly, something like: “Brandeis Universtudy”, “Brandeis Universistudy” or “Bob Jones University.” In short, the administration is opposed to this kind of thing.
Usdan manager Fark Moley busted Biggest Dining Services scandal since Ben Powers didn’t wear shoes
BY O.D. STONEMAN Rogaine User
Earlier this week, Usdan manager Fark Moley was arrested on charges of sexual harassment. If convicted, he will be demoted to working the smoothie line permanently. The case, which has extremely ironic timing, includes Moley, several student-managers, and a giant vat of soup. According to reports, each day of the semester that the soup was in circulation, Moley would leave obscene alphabet soup messages for his pages. Perhaps the most disturbing detail is the fact that the inci-
Inside THIS ISSUE
waltzing class cleaning in Moley’s office. The job was Xxxxxxxxx: ugh tomorrow i have the first simple, but unfortunately for Tim, so was day of lacrosse practice the dress code. (Shomers, for your own Fam54: love to watch that, those great safety, skip to the next paragraph.) legs running The dress code was downright inapFam54: i just hope f-board gives you $ for propriate. Picture this: a little boy, naked. those new uniforms with the short shorts Now put a thong on him. That’s Little Timmy. It’s OK, it’s hapFam54: did you spank it this weekend pened to the best of us (or just Lil’ Bow Wow.) The Xxxxxxxxx: no, i’m in a forced triple other boys’ stories are similar: Fam54: wow... i am never too busy haha some without families, some Fam54: is your little guy limp or growing? without gag reflexes, and some with just soft hands. Xxxxxxxx:Oh ya... I better sign up for a (Shomers may continue here) Allegedly, Res-Life was also aware, yet decided step meeting. Fam54: did you spank it this weekend not to report the incident. “Sure we Xxxxxxxxx: no, i’m in a forced triple, and knew,” said Rick Sawyer, Dean of If something airs on BTV, Student Life. “However, our priority i’m too busy Fam54: wow... i am never to busy haha and nobody watches it, does here at Brandeis is not to judge, but Fam54: is your little guy limp or growto instead make our community feel it make a sound? Page 8B. ing? comfortable. For that reason, we felt Xxxxxxxxx: eh growing it best to provide Mr. Moley a single Mr. T’s new show reFam54: so you got a stiff one now? in the castle as a sign of our deep viewed: Why can’t he pity Xxxxxxxxx: now i’m hard as a lulav commitment to the Trisk umbrella.” the audience? Page 100B. Fam54: i am as hard as a rock, tell me In related news, three Brandeis chapwhen yours reaches a rock lains were demoted to the smoothie Depressing news day reFam54: get a ruler and measure it line. minds us how shitty life Xxxxxxxxx: 7 and a 1/2 really is. Page 10A. Fam54: ummmmmmmmmmmm Though Moley left his messages to Lil’ Timmy in soup, he couldn’t resist Fam54: beautiful Blowfish Sports Special: instant-messaging the boy after work. Fam54: great mental picture How to feel more Whiter Xxxxxxxxx: well i better go finish my hw... The Blowfish obtained some of the i have to finish reading a book for my and Jewish than ever. transcript: Jerry Cohen class. Page 1A. Xxxxxxxxx: heh, i’ll see you at Usdan Fam54: How’s my favorite young tomorrow stud doing? God: “Even I don’t underFam54: i’ll kneel down behind grilleXxxxxxxxx: tired and sore stand what Sukkot is supworks if you want Fam54: from what posed to be.” Page 166B. Xxxxxxxxx: from my communiversity
dent involved prepubescent boys, some of who were not even Brandeis students. “When Moley contacted me, he said the student-management title was just a formality. He said that after I got pubic hairs and graduated middle school, I would have guaranteed admission into Brandeis,” said student-manager Little Timmy. “That’s good, because I don’t have parents, so I probably wouldn’t have had the chance to go to college otherwise.” A vile story exists surrounding the treatment of Little Timmy. Reportedly, Little Timmy (or Lil’ Tim, as Moley called him) was appointed as head of
opinionPAGE2 While columnist John Q. Pubic is on sabatacle with a grant from the Ethics Center, the Blowfish proudly presents...
Notes from the desk of
Thomas L. Friedman The way I see it, Democrats are a sign of the Apocalypse. I mean, these hippie liberal bonerballs are trying to send us to hell in a hemp handbasket. After winning my second Pulitzer Prize, it occurred to me that unless I personally intervened, we would end up a Godless society spending our days humping hybrid cars and providing free healthcare. Thus, I decided to write my latest New York Times best seller, The World is Still Flat Because God Hates Evolution and Abortion. Since then, I’ve been traveling the world nonstop, gathering material for the book. Last week I visited Iran. As President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and I sat together sipping our piping-hot cups of fresh brewed crude oil and mocking my Jewish heritage, it occurred to me how underrated theocracy is. I remember saying to myself, “Here is a guy who knows what’s going on.” I had not seen this much promise in the world since the success of Tiananmen Square, 1989.
“With my newly sewn Malaysian suit, and my well-trimmed moustache (handcombed by a six-year-old Honduran boy via e-mail,) I went off to enlighten young minds.” I returned to Brandeis, enlightened. I was a lion, ready to submiss any gazelle in my path. Ting Ming’s hot stone massage had cleared my head, and my new African-mined gold Rolex reminded me that time was dwindling before the Liberals will begin their Inquisition. With my newly sewn Malaysian suit and my well-trimmed moustache (hand-combed by a sixyear-old Honduran boy via e-mail), I filled the hungry minds of ignorant students. We discussed how Bill Clinton had masterminded the framing of Mark Foley, and how Hillary and Fidel were unleashing an endless series of hurricanes on Florida. The students bit. They were standing in the aisles, chanting my name and burning effigies of Barack Obama. I cackled like a demon, and lightning crashed loudly. After class, a girl approached and asked me to sign her book. I took out my pen and noticed something. The world is flat, but so was this girl’s chest. With that, I proceeded to sign her cleavage, and wouldn’t you know it, Rebecca Steinstien is now sporting a voluptuous pair of DD’s. Now that’s globea-lization.
The C in C-Store stands for... CONDOMS.
Everybody knows that going into SSIS is like the most uncool thing ever. You think I need your help with having sex? Na…I got that shit down. But when you go in there to buy condoms, they just think you’re clueless. And what’s the deal with the brown paper bags? Who the fuck carries brown paper bags around these days? Only people coming from SSIS. So they’re not so freakin’ anonymous after all. They may as well just write “I don’t know about sex” on the bag. Plus, when you go in there, they’ve got like “Here…you buy these…they’re ribbed 30,000 different types of condoms. By the time I finally for her pleasure. Darling…you’ll decide which to pick, I’ve totally lost my hard-on. That’s why I go to the Condom Store. drive her WILD and she won’t be able I mean, it’s totally convenient…and the cashiers are to get enough.” so helpful. Sylvia is especially accommodating. Once, - Sylvia, C-Store I asked her to “just give me the ones that won’t turn me into an infected Daddy.” I know, it was stupid; but Sylvia set me straight. She said, “Ay! You can’t just buy any old condom, darling! Now you have to think about the person you are getting naughty with. Here…you buy these…they’re ribbed for her pleasure. Darling…you’ll drive her WILD and she won’t be able to get enough.” Even though it was a little awkward (and I think she was coming on to me), she was totally right! And I didn’t have to climb up three flights of stairs to the what-is-sex room or carry around a stupid brown paper bag all day. And I paid with meal-plan points! There’s nothing like buying condoms for breakfast!
Yo, the c-store is like mad crummy. One time I was in there and I’m totally like gonna buy this sushi (which shouldn’t be in there in the first place cuz it starts with an s) and then I looked and it was like “Tofu Someshit Roll.” I was like “Yo, what the intercourse, suckajunk?! Tofu is mad whack.” So I was like funk the sushi because it was tofu and I was like yo I’m gonna buy me a Mountain Dew, cuz that shit is mad good. But of course they didn’t have any of that Mountain Dizzew so I had to settle for milk, but all those bitches had was skim. 1% FOR LIFE! That’s why The C in C-store totally stands for crap. I was so pissed. I jacked like four packs of string cheese, and a cliff bar. It was wicked, so actually I guess the s-store is pretty good cuz I didn’t have to pay for mad shit.
WHAT DID YOU GIVE UP FOR DARFUR-FAST?
“We were supposed to give something up? Damn... I thought this was a new airline to Sudan.” ~ Kofi Annan
“Our ban against telephones. Ezekiel, call a fucking ambulance!.” ~ The Amish
“I’m sorry if you don’t concur, I won’t give up chocolate licquer, no I won’t, not for Darfur, no apologies kind sir.” ~ Dr. Seuss
FOR READING Editors
David Klasko Jonathan Krisch
Sam Roos JoshuaLouisSimon
Jessica Axel Daniel Baron Alex Braver Judah Druck Becca Friefeld Marianna Faynshteyn Leor Galil
Pat Garofalo Sean Patrick Hogan Jay Judah Jonathan Kay Daniel Levy Anthony Scibelli Derek Tesser
Jefferson Arak Josh Gondelman Jordan Goodnough
Becky Hughes Ethan Palmer Noah Wolfson
YO, GET THIS BONER BALL: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.
BRAINSTORMING MTG SUNDAY, OCT 15 - 11pm Village TV Lounge email@example.com
“Swallowing. Um, food.” ~ Mark Foley
“Joe Torre.” ~ New York Yankees
“My penis.” ~ Kate Bornstein
LETTER TO THE EDITOR Sukkit? What a degrading holiday Dear Blowfish, I’m not the Jewiest knife in the drawer, so I was very confused when my lord and savior, the Brandeis University Student Planner, told me that this past weekend was Sukkit. I mean, I’ve taken a NEJS class, so I know all about the hole-in-the-sheet thing, and I kinda figured this sort of thing wouldn’t be okay with all those rules of hava nagiya or whatever it’s called. Now, usually I find Jewish holidays to be pretty unoffensive, but this one goes a little too far. As a Women and Gender Studies Major, not only have I been indoctrinated to think of oral sex as degrading to women, I find the use of the expression “suck it” to be outright offensive. What really got me and my fellow FMLAers really aggravated, though, are the graphic symbols that these Suckit-celebrating men have been waving around. They wave around a large pine branch, (add an S, switch around the I and the E, and you’ve got penis. Men are so obvious!) signifying that not only are they going to receive oral sex, but it’s supposed to be a painful invasive process for the provider! It’s vulgar! Not only do I plan to go to Union Judiciary to have them cancel Suckit, I’m going to go down (shut up, that’s not funny) to the Womens Studies Resource Center and complain to Shula. As soon as she’s done waving around Jehuda’s lulav. Offended, Christina R. Pope ‘010
Brandeis Begins “Nuclear Social Scene” Testing BY KARL MAILMAN Hot Sauce Enthusiast
positive and negative feedback. One Brandeis student was ecstatic after hearing the news, wondering if this “is finally In hopes of removing the negative stereotype surroundthe end of my dark days of World of Warcraft and lonely ing the Brandeis social scene, President Jehuda Reinharz Japanese, octopus porn.” The Blowfish denies ever watchannounced a new nuclear testing program with the hopes ing Japanese porn, octopus or otherwise. of “finally catching up with the competition.” Yet some are horrified by the daring move. Kofi Annan, This startling announcement comes only days after secretary-general of the U.N. commented that “we will do disappointed Open House visitors overwhelmingly left the everything we can to stop this testing” before going into school in droves, vowing never to send their kids again. an ancient voodoo tribal dance of the Death Gods. Annan Remarked one potential student, “All people do here is seemed genuinely concerned for the safety of Brandeis sing a capella. And seriously,” she added, “what’s with all students, commenting that,“the nuclear fall-out cased by the fucking Jews?” the radiation could turn the students of Brandeis UniverThe program, which aims to finally get 90% of the male sity into awkward, bumbling human beings.” He also student body laid by “glowing green hotties from Bikini expressed some fear that the radiation would cause spiders Atoll University,” produced on campus, is slated to begin and ants to grow to enormous sizes. this weekend. “We are The international The aim of the program is to get 90% of the response is rumored hoping to finally get some sociality going around,” said male student body laid by ‘glowing green to be brutal, though Jack Ripper, the project’s Reinharz does not hotties from Bikini Atoll University.’ grammatically retarded seem worried. “Serihead scientist. Most of the ously, we’ve seen program’s scientists were rejected from similar programs worse,” he said. “Remember that time we decided to test created by the Ivy League Universities. out the effects of masturbation on our sports teams? People Code named “NAMBLA” (Nuclear And Magnificent doubted, but now they hold their tongues. And cocks.” Brandeis Lab…Awesome), the project has received both Critics of Reinharz were quick to mention the notorious
Ming Haynesworth steps on Usdan robber’s head Moo-Bella machine found
BY VALERIE VOLEN Illegal T-Lot Parker
Stein. Unfortunately, as Ming was beating the shit out of the Chicken-Parm-Stealer, three students carried the Hershey’s In Dallas last week, the Tennessee Titans’ 350-pound lineIce Cream stand out of Usdan, down Peripheral road, across man, Albert Haynesworth, deliberately stepped on a Dallas South Street, and almost to Cowboys player’s head, causing him to need 30 stitches. That their Grad, before Waltham was nothing, however, compared to what Albert’s brother police caught them. Not Ming did at Usdan last week, when a student attempted to only was the Hershey’s sneak a Chicken Parmesan sub past him. stand saved, but, after a Three days ago, an East European Studies major, approxisearch of the students’ mately yay tall and yay wide, calmly ordered from Grilldeluxe, beautiful, spacious works, eased the sub into his pocket, and attempted to saunter Charles River Apartments, past Ming, who was at the counter. Seeing the student’s bulge the Moo-Bella machine in his shorts, Ming asked, “Are you trying to steal a sub or are was also discovered. The you just happy to see me?” students had been usAt that point, the student froze – and Ming threw him ing the monstrousity as a down, and time machine, “You know how Ming can swipe stepped on his teleporting to the head. Bystander like twelve cards in two seconds? 24th century to Jackie Chan see what Chapel’s Well, he can whip a guy’s ass in commented, Field will look “You know how two seconds, too.” like when it is The Moo-Bella ice cream Ming can swipe - Bystander Jackie Chan finished. machine / time portal was like twelve cards “They found found in Grad, after missin two seconds? those douchecocks ing for months. Well, he can whip a guy’s ass in two seconds, too.” who took my Moo-Bella maThe student will not be pressing charges against “Mean Joe chine?” Kathy stated, upon hearing the news. The Moo-Bella Ming” Haynesworth. “Ming opened a can of whoopass on machine had been missing for many months, and Dean of me. But thankfully, I was saved when another worker asked Disciplinary Action Roger Goodell handed down a $10,000 Ming, ‘Are you done yet?’” The student still hopes to find this fine to the Moo-Bella thieves. angel of a worker, and repay her by taking her to dinner at the
Blowjob of the week
“JOBS THAT SUCK”
Alex the Parrot’s Man-slave
Brandeis has always prided itself on the celebrities that have a connection to the university. Deborah Messing from Will & Grace, the creators of Friends, SmartBalance Butter…the admissions staff doesn’t skip a beat before dropping these names. Some of the smaller celebrities, however, get overlooked. Perhaps that’s why Jeff Erson, an oblivious midyear, was unaware of the world renouned caged celebrity who resides in the soon-to-be-out-of-date science complex right here at Brandeis University. In what would have been the fall of his freshman year, Jeff spent his time at home idolizing Chuck Norris, playing Halo, and looking forward to his USEM+W. Needless to say, when Erson started at Brandeis, he fit in perfectly, and felt “hella comfortable.” This was all before Erson decided to take advantage of his financial aid package and get a work-study job. At first, the idea of work study seemed like a good idea. Jeff figured he could get a cush job at the library,
but, silly midyear, he didn’t know that cush jobs are for normal students. Instead, Erson got a job as a parrot keeper. But, silly midyear, Jeff hadn’t realized the enormous responsibility involved in caring for a poultry celebrity like Alex. Alex, the smartest parrot in the history of smart parrots, has a massive list of demands. “That bonerball is the most stuck up bird I’ve ever seen. Whenever I’m nice to him, he gives me shit. Like yesterday when I offered him some food, he yelled ‘My name aint fuckin Polly, and I only eat unsalted crackers, bitch!,’” Jeff told the Blowfish. There is some salvation to Erson’s job, though. He gets to pass the time messing with the bird he so despises. “Whenever he tells me to get something, I politely ask how many he wants. His only response – ‘zero.’ That bonerball!” So, Jeff, for putting up with this brilliant bird, the Blowfish bestows you with its highest shitty-job-related honor. Congratulations.
Tennibator, but Reinharz dismissed the Tennibator as an “urban legend, akin to the Loch Ness Monster or Irv, the Campus Troll that lives under the Gosman Bridge.” The effects of the program have yet to be seen, though this writer knows that he, for one, is looking forward to some fine nuclear ass. Curing cancer? Researchers at Brandeis have moved on to more even more difficult tasks: producing hotties.
Shula featured in Screech’s new movie BY BILLIE BASSINE Marker Sniffer
News of Screech’s return, in an independent video, has been splurted across national headlines. However, the real story at Brandeis is how Shula Reinharz was Dustin Diamond’s female co-star in the video. Believe it or not, Jehuda was the first one to break the story. Apparently, last weekend, members of the Screech Powers Fan Club got a sneak preview of the video before it was released to the general community. “I’ve been a big fan of Screech for a long time,” Jehuda stated. “So, naturally, I was excited about seeing his talent on the screen once again.” When the time came for the premiere, Jehuda turned on Barry White, burned some incense, readied some tissues, and settled into his comfortable, Presidential chair. At that point, Jehuda exploded in anger. “I download the video, and Screech comes on screen with this
“Screech comes on screen with this hot chick, at which point, I realize, that’s my wife!” hot chick, at which point, I realize, that’s my wife!” exclaimed Reinharz. Since then, the news has spilled across campus. “Shula in a video? No way! She insisted that I turned off my webcam before anything went down with us,” said pre-frosh Ryan Cardigan ‘011. Shula has not been shy about her acting debut. “Sometimes, a woman needs to express herself, and I certainly feel liberated after getting to know Dustin Diamond,” Shula said. Shula was selected from a number of potential actresses, including all three of the female Saved by the Bell stars. “Kelly is too much of a bimbo, I wasn’t impressed when I saw Jesse’s boobs in Showgirls, and Lisa? That bitch can rot in Hell,” Diamond stated, apparently not realizing that Kelly, Jesse and Lisa are fictional characters. “Then, Shula walked in, and she blew the competition out of the water.” Alwina Bennett, obviously jealous of Shula’s newfound celebrity, has contacted Doogie Howser about possibly working on an “independent film” together. Shula learned that Screech has certainly grown up from his Saved by the Bell days.
59 65 69
103 104 105
109 110 111 112 113 119
115 116 117
Chums Change It’s your average coffeehouse schedule, with a twist...
Across 1. Towel monogram, perhaps 4. Snake sound 7. Clarinet cousin 11. Fifties dance 14. “____, yea you know me!” 17. Middle Easterner, maybe 19. Texas affirmative 20. Goo Goo Dolls hit 21. Spanish indefinite article 22. Singer Cole 23. 9pm: The Texas Ranger’s cookery? 26. Marriages, for CEOs 28. 9:15pm: News anchor in a Toys’R’us? 30. Simpson or Gunderson 31. Slang for sibling 32. World’s first computer 35. Gov. budget center 37. Gov. retirement money org. 39. USSR Leader Khrushchev 41. Mix 45. Email greeting 50. Used, stale 52. LaserJet juice
53. 9:30pm: Naked barbershop quartet? 56. Apple flagship comp. 58. Professor helpers, briefly 59. 9:45pm: Intellectual improv comedy? 61. Explosive stuff 64. One who favors something, suffix 65. She sheep 66. Famous Southern General 68. Tounge rolling 69. 10pm: Pals love the Limburger? 75. Santa ____ 76. Fool, dummy 77. Rapture, briefly 78. Uncooked, unprocessed 81. Mr. Smalls 84. 10:15pm: Poetry readings, with a Gospel flare? 89. Dark, gooey liquid 90. Prefix for potent and max 92. 10:30pm: Dedicated to the legendary Golden actress? 93. Food depriv. 96. Foil stuff, formerly 97. “It’s ____ cause!” 98. Cartoon co. 99. Find not guilty 101. Like Red Cross, Amnesty, or Oxfam 103. Home of Java City, for short 107. Jumped, perhaps between large buildings
109. Green guy 114. Harmonicas, slangly 118. 10:45pm: Vocal delights of Abramoff, Pollard, and Lansky 122. Snobbishly 124. 11:00pm: Korean Student Association a capella? 125. Hoop metal 126. Kodak city, abbr. 127. Weakest of the bunch 128. ____ Kwon Do 129. Ancient harp 130. Border org. 131. Xtreme sp. org. 132. Qual. silver 133. Lou Gehrig dis. 134. Coppertone count Down 1. It feeds you 2. What I do if Cingular doesn’t cover this area 3. NEJS Professor Jonathan 4. ____ of a Down 5. Indian religious observer 6. Committed espionage 7. The AFC is ____ 8. Burma city 9. Not Alphas 10. Partner of Meeni, Mo, Miney 11. You, for example 12. All that you see if Jaws is coming to you 13. Yogurt or chocolate 14. A group of the loneliest number 15. Average 16. Filmmaker Anderson and Ringmaster Barnum 18. Freezing sound (like gun that shot Hamilton?) 24. Othello character 25. Tertiary prefix 27. Insurance company spokesman 29. Kingdom, turf 33. A form of water 34. Ulrich, of Metallica 36. Actress Candice 38. A French party 40. Usdan loun. 41. Japanese firewater 42. Fri.’s counterpart, here 43. Anagram of FLINT 44. Party busters, at other schools 46. “Modern ____ not run on diesel 47. ____ mode, like ice cream 48. “Losing My Religion” band 49. Milit. award 51. Blowfish staff writer Levy 54. ____ off, as in golf 55. Vowel parade, sometimes and otherwise.
57. “I have to take ____ few things first...” 60. Like a deer, only bigger 62. Before saving a life 63. Rat poison ingr. 67. An online lawyer’s clients? 70. A ruined T-Shirt 71. Silverman or Private Ryan 72. They love girls that wear A&F 73. Anagram of PATHOS 74. Backwards duty 79. “That adds up to quite ____...” 80. The way we ____ 81. A group of cookies 82. Mesopotamian mess 83. Any BEMCo staffer 85. FIFA WC victors 86. Den. state 87. Black stone, abbr. 88. Chicago subway org. 89. Russian royalty 91. The last circle of hell 94. Lined 95. Audiences 100. Suit maker 102. Three strikes equivalent 104. Cuts by rubbing 105. Headpieces 108. Popular ‘Deis major 110. AKA the 8th Ave. express in NYC 111. Litany of beliefs and dogma, abbr. 112. Compass dir. 113. Marley, for one 115. Film unit 116. Dastardly plots 117. Drink rudely 118. Carry and Belushi 119. Nice things for others, abbr. 120. Diamond starting point 121. First Hebrew letter 122. ____ Lanka 123. Trent Reznor band 135. Bonerball?
Solutions to “Screen Pass” A B A D C P A T R I O T H E M A L M E T Y P O S A A R P A T H E P I N A O L L A S O L D I P A R R A I D E C U Z S P O N U S L MO S U L O F A B U M S C A J A C K I G E R R Y A N D I C S N O B L P Y R E I
A T T N D K N Y R O O
M E L L O N
A A G A M E S E D S T A G I P A N E L E A R E S O F T R A R A X U M E M I D B R O E A R A S H T T S G
D A E S F A L L I H E L O T H E A X T I N C L T H E T E T R A N I G O N S WN A O F T H A T M T
T U C C I
L O O K O F
R E G E A V L O A B H T
D A T A
P H S C
L E S S
C F N S N K R A A T S R E S S T T U D C I C O R F E A T I O R N
A C Q U I T T A L
S A T I N
S T I N G
T V P G
A B E A A R G O U M WB A R R O
C R O C K
K A R L
G R O I N
H O Y A S
T A N S A V E N N A T L
WORLD NEWS SPOTLIGHT
North Korea’s Gun Show? Ticket sales lower than Gigli BY LINDSEY LINSEY Winner of an i-Pod Nano, thanks to Dining Services
Secret Lair, NK - North Korea’s recent announcement that it has finished its first nuclear arms tests received what could only be described as a lukewarm response. Although President Bush has gone as far to say that this was a “provocative act,” and most countries have condemned North Korea for what is obviously a cry for attention. “They’re like that little annoying kid who tries to pull the world’s greatest prank in order to get some love from the popular kids, when all they really needed to do was buy us some alcohol,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin. China has found its neighbor’s actions rather tedious. “What they should have done was construct a speaker system along the great wall and blast ‘In Your Eyes’ if they wanted to win our affection,” said China’s President Hu Jintao. “They went from dangerous and mys-
terious to all-out whack job, and that’s just a big turn-off,” said Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Abe and Jintao decided to hold several meetings with their cabinets in order to determine what their next actions will be. Sources report that the first meeting will be held at Jintao’s mom’s house in Tokyo, where the parties plan to do their hair, watch scary movies, call up cute world leaders, and prepare for North Korea’s impending panty raid. Meanwhile, members of NATO have balked at North Korea’s actions. “We have worked tirelessly to build our arms collection,” gasped President Bush while working out at the White House’s bench press. “They just go, use some ‘secret method’ to obtain the nuclear power that we have and just expect to be thought of as a superpower? Who are they, Rafael Palmeiro?” As far as dealing with the possible “threat,” most countries have kept mum, hoping that if they keep picking on North Korea, the feisty nation will eventually succumb to peer pressure and stop using
nuclear power. President Bush considered sending Team America on a reconnaissance mission after the success of their previous work defeating Kim Jong Il. Unfortunately, during a three-week film shoot that resulted in seven seconds of ass kicking for democracy, the members of Team America died after becoming entwined in their marionette strings. Trey Parker and Matt Stone have since sought shelter, wriggling in terror from the combined rage of North Korea and Canada.
JOKE OF THE WEEK: What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH!!!
Team America is on standby after Kim Jong Il blasted a nuclear test.
COURTESY OF JACKIE’S TALKING JOKE MACHINE