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Usdan new table layout causes uproar BY VIOLET ROSENTHAL Level 7 Paladin

Students returning to campus after February break were shocked and disturbed to find that the classic rectangular table layout of lower Usdan had been replaced with a new design featuring round tables. According to dining services spokesperson Edith Nahrung, the new layout was implemented to promote equality between all dining students. As Nahrung smugly suggested, “Who can sit at the head of a round table?” Despite these auspicious and largely whack claims, the controversial new layout has frustrated many for just the opposite reason. “With the new round tables, eating groups are now separated from one another,” said Tippy A. Whithousen ‘09. “Actual privacy while eating amongst friends? Where’s the social justice in that?” The new tables also pose practical dining issues “How can I expect to go unnoticed taking Proposed new “new table layout” in The Usdan Cafe. up an entire table to myself?” said John Fresca dievel Appreciation Society of Middle Earth, spoke very ‘08, that weird midyear in your Econ class who you always think is looking at you. “With the old tables at least highly of the new tables. “All are equal at the table round! Forsooth! Like our forefathers of Brittania, we will haveth I could hide between groups.” Not everyone is opposed to the change, however. Hugh many a fine quarrel whilst dining at this inherently equal G. Weirdo ‘07, president of the jousting club and the Me- table! Finally, the world shalt know: Kirk or Picard?!”

Everybody announces run for President BY LEN OLIN-SANG White Rook

own vagina-- and I don’t care if that doesn’t make sense.” All across the world, new candidates are announcing their candidacy with great excitement. “This is a great opportunity.” said Derk Derk Click, a poor Ethiopian boy. “I promise that if I win, I will rid my country of the most dangerous problem to hit us in decades: Angelina Jolie.” Others, like Henry David T., a mute boy of Who Cares, Canada, expressed his excitement with two thumbs up, followed by another session of crying on his bed, won-

In a stunning announcement made on Sunday, everyone, all six billion inhabitants of earth, have decided to run for president. The move comes as a response to the already growing number of politicians announcing their decisions to run for office. With so many in the race, the competition has gotten fierce. “This is certainly a shocking develop- “This is certainly a shocking political development.” ment” said political analyst Roger Sta- - Roger Stamos, of the newly-created mos, who has decided to run under the newly created “Not Related to John” party. “Not Related to John” party The move now puts the already-declared presidential candidates on the defensive. “Obvi- dering why God hates him. When the Blowfish asked ously, with my entire cam- Henry if he wanted to talk about it, he responded by tellpaign team leaving to run ing the Blowfish, in sign language, that we were “numon their own campaigns, ber one.” At least, we assume that’s what he was saying. With over six billion voters, each expected to vote I’m forced to take matters for his/her/itself, the Supreme Court is already preinto my own hands,” said paring for the worst: a six billion way tie. “This is gopresidential hopeful Hilling to be a disaster,” said Judge Roberts, who will ary Clinton. “Except unbe representing his own “Let’s Go Whitey” party. like my husband, I wont “The 2000 election was only 2 candidates, and look at the stop with just my hands.” trouble it got us into,” obviously referring to the challenged When asked to clarify, 2000 American Idol election, which was heard in the now Clinton said that “I’m gofamous Justin vs. Kelly case. Roberts closed by saying, ing to take matters into my “All we can do is pray... that everyone will vote for me.” Derk Derk Click and his Vice Presidential candidate Murray have followed the other 6 billion inhabitants of the Earth in declaring their canidicy for President.

Of course, for the Brandeis students living in this century, the new Usdan layout has brought nothing but utter confusion. The mass hysteria resulting from the reorganization has caused students to be an average of 4 minutes later to class. “I was just getting used to this place, and then they go all round on me!” whines midyear Ignor Amos in between bites. Amos had more to say, but ““How can I expect to was interrupted by a go unnoticed taking up Usdan employee and an entire table to mygot off topic, yelling self?” “No, I’m not done - John yet, ok?!” Fresca ‘08, that When questioned, weird midyear Aramark president in your Econ E. Coli Inyorrfud class. was unable to give a comment as he was busy singing “Money, Money, Money” by ABBA. The Blowfish didn’t find that to be a very germane contribution to the topic, but generally agreed that “it must be sunny in a rich man’s world (dadada-dadada-dada). Amidst the controversy, dining services has proposed a possible compromise that would include a pair of the new round tables connected to one classic longer style table. The Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance (FMLA) is outraged at this suggestion, although they weren’t sure why.

BAUER Continued from Page 1 thought it would be Social Security reform or something.” “We felt that the realism on the show was a little lacking,” Executive Producer Absalan al-Sataf said. “So we decided to put in some real-life situations. At first we had the idea of having him eat breakfast or use the bathroom or get a parking ticket or something, but then we thought ‘Hey! They’re changing the clocks really early this year and no one seems to know about it, so why not use that?’” When asked whether this was the end of the series, al-Sataf said, “We had planned on a bit of a more spectacular ending...something about Congressional acts being able to bend the laws of space and time, and Bauer being a robot sent from the future to save the past. Of course, something like that would lead right into the next season, but

“We decided to put in some real life situations: Jack eating breakfast, taking a deuce, getting a parking ticket, forgetting to set his clock forward.” - 24 Executive Producer Absalan al-Sataf we ran out of time when we forgot to set our clocks back an hour, so we kind of had to wrap things up quickly.” The finale closes with the survivors of Washington remarking on the irony of having their city destroyed by an act of Congress. “They changed DST to save energy...” laments one survivor, “and it worked! I guess I really underestimated the new Democratic congress. That’s real progress; good for them.”

Obama’s finds shocking twist in family tree BY YUSEF USEN Red Power Ranger

that his home is a block away from his parents’ house. It was revealed that Obama’s Great-great-grandfather,

In some startling news today from the nation’s capital, it has been revealed that the ancestors of Barack Obama were owned by the ancestors of none other than Barack Obama. Obama, who is half black, recently discovered that his mother’s side, who is white actually owned his father’s side, a twist that even M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t have come up with (mostly because he sucks.) Inspired by Al Sharpton’s recent genealogy research, Obama jumped into the project headfirst, donating copious amounts of blood and sperm to research facilities. “But mostly sperm” said doctors. Sharpton’s findings revealed his ancestors had been owned by the ancestor’s of one of America’s great supervillains, Strom Thurmond. Obama’s findings were much closer to home, in Barak Obama raises the roof in an attempt to prove that he’s black.

Jedediah Obama actually hailed from Hawaii, the “not real” state. He moved East after missing the bus home from school and wandering the wrong way. There, he was mistaken for a runaway slave and taken to a plantation in Alabama, or “hell” for short. As it turns out, that very plantation was owned by Obama’s great-great-amazing-granduncle. After being freed by the Civil War, (which, in another ironic twist, was not civil at all, but really rude,) Jebediah moved north where he met his eventual wife. Years later, the families were reunited, this time not in bondage but in holy matrimony, as Mr. and Mrs. Obama. They married and eventually decided that naming their kids after insane terrorists would “probably be for the best.” Though many have speculated on the effect of this discovery would have on Obama, the presidential candidate vowed that he would stand strong, saying, “Look, I make my wife whip me sometimes. Why couldn’t my ancestors do it?”

March 8, 2007  
March 8, 2007  

Spring 2007, Issue 5