ISSUE#1 JANUARY 27, 2006
This is not the Hoot. We’re just along for the ride.
MORE PICTURES THAN THE HOOT, MORE ACCURACY THAN THE JUSTICE
WATER MAIN EXPLODES! Waltham pipe system blows its load on Peripheral Road
BY DANIEL PIPES Famous Guy
On Monday, January 16th, at 1:30 pm, a water main burst on the Brandeis campus. Water poured out onto the peripheral road until the leak was fixed nine hours later. This tragedy, which both stopped traffic and damaged upper campus, could have been averted if Jehuda had remembered to clean his pipes. President Reinharz has a responsibility to ensure the safety and well-being of his students (and his pipes). His reckless negligence of those pipes caused pressure
to build up inside until they exploded. “It looks like it’s been years since he’s cleaned those pipes,” said one worker at the site of the gushing, “you just can’t do that to your pipes.” One worker reported that the situation had gotten so bad that the pipes had turned “blue.” But with such a large campus, President Reinharz should seek help from his wife, Shula Reinharz, to alleviate some of the pressure. After all, this is not a small issue. The average pipe, according to surveys, is 5 to 6 inches long. According to The Justice, President Reinharz’s pipe is “12 or 24 inches.” Shula Reinharz needs to tackle this large problem and help Jehuda clean his pipes. Many students I’ve spoken with clean their pipes regularly at home. “I had a lot of free time during break,” said sophomore Jake Abelman, “so I often went to the bathroom with a rag or some tissues and cleaned those pipes. I did it twice a day sometimes, you can’t clean your pipes enough.” Jehuda should be ashamed of himself for failing to safeguard Brandeis’ water supply, and neglecting his responsibilities. While Jehuda sits on his hands, his pipes
A water main burst, causing damage to upper campus, on January 16. Pressure built up inside the pipes, due to President Reinharz’s negligence. are again building up pressure and putting us all at risk. Sometimes the most effective way to clean the plumbing is just to get down there and get your hands dirty, do what you have to to get the job done. A lot of words have been thrown around
Heller school terrorist found? Forensic evidence shows the suspect is former faculty and has “strikingly small hands.” BY ABE SHAPIRO Senior Sex Correspondent
On Wednesday January 18, the Office of Public Safety received an email threatening a terrorist attack on Brandeis’ Heller School of Social Policy and Management. The campus was evacuated while city and federal authorities assessed the situation. Detective Lenny Briscoe of the FBI, who will be leading the investigation, said, “We have reason to believe that the perpetrator is former Heller School Faculty.” “This guy was a professor,” he continued. “You’re lookin at a Maurice B. Hexter Professor of Social and Economic Policy, or maybe a Pokross Professor of Law and Social Policy. Maybe.” The Bureau did not mention any names, but rather a list of qualifications and circumstances regarding any potential suspects. Forensic evidence shows the suspect had facial hair, small hands, and liberal ties, according to the Detective. Focus may be shifting to the federal government as detectives suggest that he may or may not have been “deeply
involved” in one or two presidential administrations. As Det. Briscoe asserts, “This guy is good. Too good. Probably had a cabinet post - something like that.” The original email was traced to network servers from the University of California at Berkley. “This must be a mistake,” claimed University President Jehuda Reinharz, commenting amidst biding criticism of the very recent “Pipegate” scandal. “Who in U.C. Berkley would have any reason to - Oh!” Many speculate the University’s historic ties to the Jewish community may have spawned such an imminent danger. Not knowing the nature or source of the threat, the Office of Homeland Security did not raise the terrorist-alert color scale. Not taking any chances, however, B’nai Brith has decided to raise its own scale from royal blue to a solid midnight blue. Director of the Jewish organization’s elite tactical branch declined to comment on his squadron’s specific roster or course of action, though he did confirm that CIA anti-terrorist Jack Bauer will not be involved. The B’nai Brith elite tactical branch has come under fire in the past for its questionable techniques. The branch was first accused of poor judgment in 1986 when they destroyed a wedding cake after an anonymous threat about “gelatin frosting”. In 1989 the Branch was accused of excessive force at a Bar Mitzvah when it
about this issue, but people need to start using their mouths to blow more than just hot air.
Inside... THIS WEEK’S BLOWFISH Hurricane Katrina damage? Miniscule, compared to the wrath of tater-tots.
beat 13 year old Joseph Henklemen unconscious for getting “too touchy” during “The Electric Slide.” Det. Briscoe, however remains firm in his stance that only a former professor could have done this. “It’s a real inside job,” he quips. “Not just someone with a lot of know-how, but a lot of drive too. This is someone who could stand up to big, conservative government. He’s just a little guy, in the scope of things - just a tiny liberal thinker in a big sea of conservative sharks.” Needless to say, the police remain baffled.
Plus... Brandeis’ sexy new signs For only three points a day, you can adopt a mid-year Looking for love? Socially awkward? Check Brandeis Personals Brandesian Crossword Puzzle Why you can’t have my pencil CIA anti-terrorist leader Jack Bauer declined to comment.
Letter to the editor... No, you cannot A CONCERNED STUDENT SPEAKS OUT AGAINST THE WORST OF THE IN-HUMANITIES borrow my pencil My Filling BY HAMENTASHEN HAL Columnist
Can I say no? No. You cannot borrow my pencil. There, I said it. Yes, I realize I have two and you have zero. Yes, I realize that you will not be able to take notes without a writing utensil. Yes, I realize that I only use one pencil at a time, and the other one will be laying dormant in my backpack. But, this time, I am going to say no. There are many reasons that I’d rather see this pencil go unused than it be touched by your grimy paws. First of all, why should I help you out? What have you done for me? Surprisingly, the semi-head nod that you give me when we cross paths in Usdan is not enough retribution for this kindly act in which I am considering partaking. Secondly, by the end of class, you are so mindless that you will probably forget that it was borrowed and walk out as if the pencil were truly yours. Or, even worse, you might maliciously attempt to steal my pencil, leaving the possibility that I never see it again. Either way, it puts me in the awkward position of having to ask for it back next class. I have every right to do that, but it makes me look stingy in front of my peers, while the true fault is yours for being unfaithful to the terms of the one-period lease. Furthermore, there are academic reasons why I don’t want you to have a pencil. If you have a pencil, and take notes, and... you know, learn – if that’s possible for you, you dumb piece of shit – then you will write better papers and mine will look more pedestrian. All grades are relative, Professor Carlson is only giving out a certain number of A’s, and I refuse to let you take my A by taking my pencil. But let’s be honest. You’re probably not using the pencil for academic reasons. Yes, you probably just want my pencil to write love notes to girls in class. Well, there is no way I am going to help you get laid for the fourth time this week, when I’m still a lonely, miserable virgin. If you honestly cared about your grades at all, you would have realized that you need a pencil to succeed in life. Who goes to class without a pencil? It’s like taking a shower without any soap or shampoo; it negates the entire idea of the shower, other than a private place to masturbate. Lastly, it is my property. The pencil is mine and, just as I don’t have to give money to a homeless person, I don’t have to give you a pencil. I’m not a cruel person by any counts, but I am taking a stand: I have no obligation to you, and, if you do not bring a pencil to class, you deserve to suffer. Though Gordie Fellman taught you to share your pencils, Brandeis is socialist enough. My father worked hard in life in order to purchase pencils, and he passed them on to me. What I hold here is not just a pencil; it is a piece of my family history. And I say no. I don’t want you anywhere near my family, and I don’t want you anywhere near my pencil. DISCLAIMER. The Blowfish contains fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. The Hoot is a real newspaper, but the Blowfish is certainly not. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff. Editors
Mariah Carey Andrew Davies David Klasko Jonathan Krisch Condaleeza Rice Joshua Louis Simon
Curious George Jonathan Kay Daniel Levy Sam Roos Darius Rucker Tupac
the cerebro-phrenic relationship of language, mind, and There are a dangerous people coming back to the action, are published in international journals monthly. Brandeis campus. They come in all sizes, shapes, and (All of those words were made up in LING 120.) colors. They speak weird languages, have scary laughs, Classical studies students (whose major was similarly and reside in their own pseudo-intellectual world. under consideration for removal) initially wanted to help My friends, I am not talking about the usual people linguistics majors in their fight against Dean Jaffe. Howsuspected of terrorism. I am, of course, talking about ever, classics majors were met with the following retort: linguistics majors. They are dangerous individuals who “We don’t need help from a pointless, jargon-filled, and have a tendency to clump together, snarkily plotting their irrelevant field of study” and decided against supporting euphonious assault upon the Brandeis campus. (I learned UGLY. those fake words in Intro to Linguistics.) Some hope the decision to change the insurgencyDean Adam Jaffe has based Linguistics major to a more worked tirelessly to root “The Univer well-rounded major, Language sity Guild o out these radicals, by atf Linguistic Youth and Linguistics, will remove the tempting to remove the (UGLY) prov ersatz artifice of relevance and linguistics major from the e d especially well or intellect that currently resides on undergraduate curriculum. ganized and e xtremists floor two of Volen. (That’s right, Jaffe successfully ousted reside amon g th e I used ersatz: you cackling group otherwise-pa the leader of the fanatics, tri- of freedom-haters aren’t the only otic student b “Professor” Jackendoff ody” - Emile people who can make up words.) Zola (c’mon—was that really However, we must not let progress his name?) and exiling made in the rooting out of these him to our arch-enemy state, Tufts University. fanatics of morphosyntactic theory derail our ultimate However, the infrastructure of the University Guild mission: obliterating the French. of Linguistic Youth (UGLY) proved especially well organized and extremists reside among the otherwiseSincerely, patriotic student body. The terrorists still infiltrate all Emile Zola aspects of campus culture, and their spurious doctrines of
WHAT FOOD WOULD MOST LIKELY BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN?
You want Asian chicken wrap? For here or to go? ~Shelly the Boulevard lady
Food? ~Mary Kate Olsen
Fair Trade Coffee. ~Bono
Atomic Fireballs. ~The Human Torch
My Wife. If she is do something bad. To Punishment Her. I stick her in Oven. ~Borat
That’s not funny. ~Deb “Tater-tot” Lyon
Every January, a group of students are ostracized and mistreated simply because they showed up for classes five months late. But now you can help. For only 3 points a day you can join the Adopt-a-Midyear program. Midyears have the right to experience life with as much joy and hope as possible. Adopt-a-Midyear creates an environment of hope and respect for Midyears in which they have opportunities to be like normal kids. Every 17 minutes a midyear tries the pizza at Sherman, starts an acapella group, or hits on a Shomer Negiah girl.
Adopt-a-Midyear These lost souls are crying out for help. Please donate today, and give a midyear a fighting chance at social acceptance.
SIGNS OF THE TIME BY CHAD SEXINGTON Freshman
Brandeis University, long criticized for lacking certain resources that students demanded, is finally getting with the times. The school is adding the upgrade that students have been dreaming of. No, it isn’t a working dishwasher for Sherman dining hall, or the long overdue renovation of the Lindsay pool. It’s not, as many would guess, the announcement of fixing the heat in my room, which has been periodically belching out smoke since October. While each of these improvements is no doubt deserved, the donation of the class of 2005 went to a much more noble, necessary cause: new signs. The new signs, painted a pleasing, yet vibrant combination of deep navy blue and striking cornflower yellow, mark the beginning of a new era in the school’s illustrious history. Since the school’s inception, students and professors alike have wandered the campus in a daze, unable to locate classrooms, residence quads, or even cafeterias. The school even instituted a policy, now infamous, of starting all classes ten minutes late, to account for the dozens of people who would get lost going to class. But with these new signs, navigation is easy. School officials expect the ten-minute late policy to become obsolete by the end of the semester; there is even speculation that classes will begin meeting ten minutes earlier, to coincide with the
incredible increase in the speed of campus commuting. The signs seem to be making an impact already. During last weeks bomb scare at the Heller school, the “Heller school” sign saved countless lives. Students were able to read the sign, realize that this was indeed the building that was under threat, and retreat to safety. One student, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition of anonymity, told The Blowfish that: “There’s no doubt in my mind that I would be dead right now if it weren’t for the new signs. Confused, nay, totally discombobulated, I ran, panicking like a little school girl, towards what I thought was shelter. Little did I know I was running right toward ground zero. If I hadn’t seen that sign, I wouldn’t have known, until I was close enough to read the enormous lettering on the entrance to the building itself. And by then, it could have been too late.” The anonymous student continued, “I’m telling you: those signs saved my life, or my name isn’t Ivy Hest.” And The Blowfish salutes you, you worthless, anonymous coward. Accounts like this are numerous across campus. Nobody has an ill word for these paragons of direc-
tional divinity. Whether providing students with life-saving information, helping visitors understand the elevation of different parts of campus, or displaying blurry pictures which remind us every day of the bastion of diversity that is Brandeis University, the signs have succeeded in making the gigantic, confusing, Brandeis campus a more navigable and safer place. The signs are a vibrant combination of deep navy blue and striking cornflower yellow, with pictures displaying Brandeis’ well-known diversity.
y mind m n i t doub o n s ht now i g e i r r e d h a “T d be de new signs,” l u o w that I r the o f t ’ n e tudent. r s e s w u t i o if nonym a e n o said
New courses for Fall ‘06 BY SY ZIV Jazz Enthusiast
Every semester, Brandeis presents its students with new courses in order to provide students with special opportunities to explore innovative topics. And since the shopping period does not end until Monday, there are still opportunities to sign up for these courses, whether your fancy is hot, latin men, pleasing beavers, or giving lap dances. Below is a synopsis of the new courses. SPAN 50B: Ricky Martin An introduction to Ricky Martin lyrics, the grammar concepts behind his words, and the societal effects of his work. Develops active music listening skills to identify various harmonic progressions. Also, the course will examine the effects of Ricky Martin’s music on Latin politics, revolutions in the third world, and the effects on Singaporean youth. Cross-listed in the Music Department, Latin American Studies Department, Physics. Usually offered every year. ECON 198A: Econostatobiometrics An advanced study in Economostatobiometrics, a field of study that has been made up completely just to fuck you over. Required for the Economics major. And you thought you could just take Coiner classes all your life... Instructor’s signature required. Offered every semester. PE 28: Pole Dancing Are you paying $40,000 a year to learn how to become a stripper? Have you altered your projected career path, scrapping law school for prostitution? Examines proper pelvic thrusts, boob shimmees, and lap dance technique. Instructor’s signature required, because no ugly chicks allowed. Offered every year. ENG 48C: Hentai The course that follows Anime, Eng 48B, is Eng 48C, Hentai. Students will use their knowledge of Anime principles to study Hentai, animated pornography. Film students are also welcome, as the class will examine the cinematography, including camera angles and character positions. Cross-listed in Film Studies Department. Offered every semester. PHYS 174: Intelligent Design Explains why Darwin and theories of evolution were misguided. Explains how everything you have ever learned in science classes was dead wrong. And you spent all your time on Physics homework all these years,
you dumb fuck. You could have been tapping that girl down the hall, but instead you were studying, and you missed your chance. But I think she had an STD, man. So maybe it was a good decision anyway. Required for Physics Major. Offered every year. PAX 111B: Avoiding a future war with Iraq Explores the avenues in which the Bush Administration could avoid a future war with Saddam Hussein’s Iraq. Presents possibilities of weapons inspectors, going to the UN, and a peaceful solution to the current standoff with the Iraqi leader. Ponders the effects that war would have on the country. Will we be greeted as occupiers or
liberators? Touches on the topics of Hussein’s known stockpile of WMDs, friendly relations between the Sunni, Shi’a and Kurds, and ending terrorism for all time. Offered every decade. ENVS 140: Beavers and the Environment Examines Beavers and their effect on the environment. Looks at the relationship between beavers and logs, among other wood products. Discusses edicate on how to approach beavers and how one pleases a beaver. Explores topics relating to symbiotic relationships with dykes. Open to Freshmen. Usually offered every third year.
Brandeis Personals LOVEMUFFINS... MADE TO ORDER
I am a plain-looking SW(Jewish)F seeking average-looking boy interested in business, who enjoys staying home on Friday nights and studying. Please nobody taller than 5’7”. Socially awkward a plus! MB #645356467
Seeking companion to make out with in dining halls, student centers and other public areas around campus. Must be incredibly sketchy with sub-par looks. Turn-ons: Sloppy kissing. Alcohol and disease free. Or Best Offer. MB #645352367
Hetero-couple seeking person of either gender with large white van which forgets to pick us up at least twice. Tardiness and terrible driving is a must! Please leave your number, and have an annoying answering message before I am able to speak directly to you. MB #645359545
I am a recently separated School of Social Policy and Management. I feel incomplete, like a concrete foundation with no building. Seeking wealthy partner/s with a love for their name on a building. MB #645352367
JOKE OF THE WEEK:
COURTESY OF JACKIE’S TALKING JOKE MACHINE
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn’t control his pupils!
p.s.PAGE8 man is this revolutionary music legend 68. ___-jongg, the game 69. Alt. routes 70. Plaintiff, so to speak 71. French novelist Emile 73. Basic unit of matter 77. ESPN’s Pasquerelli 80. “...do you really want to hurt this popstar, barely stealing the 43 spot...” 84. Cell division 88. Photo. taker 89. Hair product brand 90. Red, yellow, white cable 92. Law & Order net. 93. Brandeis’ Hooked ___ 96. Quagmire country 98. Ballerina bottom 100. Aluminum nitride 102. Foton beam 104. Former Jets coach Edwards 105. Antique, throwback 108. Extremely small amounts 110. Recent respiratory disease 111. “...appearing on Roll pioneer resigns his spot at the charts like a little Capitol Records: the top...” magician, this Rat Pack crooner A Presidential pop chart 36. Not that debuts at No. 8...” 38. Soft, luxurious 117. Pleasantly occupied, enterAcross 39. Bobby Fischer game tained 1. Relaxation places 40. Danish cents 118. MN Pentacostal Univ. 5. Standard for Psyc. papers 41. Red Sea parter 119. Abe Vigoda in The Godfa8. Surprise attacks 43. The cow says... ther 13. GMT for astronomers 44. Assistant 120. Narc. agency 16. Bucket 48. Rhode Island mansion town, 123. Common preposition 17. Turner and Fey or Beach in “Arrested Develop- 124. “...at No. 20 with a bullet, 20. Puppy hand ment” this super freaky cat enjoys its 21. “At No. 7, this Mowtown 50. Zaire short stay on the charts.” sensation floats to the top like 53. They forgot about him, ac131. Public trans. admin. hickory...” 132. Smart guy, so to speak 24. Seinfeld’s carbohydrate caper cording to Mathers 56. Haddock fish family 133. Extra 25. Golf starter 57. Hitter’s stat. 134. Ingrid in Casablanca 26. Apple or pumpkin 58. Mrs. Reinharz’s office 135. Affirmative 27. Testicular tote 60. “Turn to Stone” band 136. “They are,” to Pedro 28. University city in Orange 61. High altitude gripe 137. ‘Deis pre-undergrad. year County 30. “...dropping to 37, this Rock’n 63. “...hitting No. 2 like a rocket- 138. Item
Down 1. Lovers’ quarrel 2. Window ledge 3. ___-de-camp 4. Photographer’s cam. 5. Santa ___, CA 6. Cali. coast 7. Inquire 8. Dude or Neverland 9. Waco invaders 10. USC computer inst. 11. Solomon solution 12. Howard and Daniel 13. Like the I. 500 14. “Just ___!” 15. Age 8 to 12 17. A fool, derogatory 18. New Apple airplane? 19. Not first class 22. Pens for allergies 23. Brandeis “sexperts” org. 29. It’s everywhere you want to be 30. Speech impediment 31. Vinyls, perhaps 32. Pres. picking 33. Russian in Spain 34. Summer camp org. 35. Scholar or Island 36. Every Good Boy Does Fine 37. Jennifer Love 40. “Put left hand ___!,” in Twister 41. Julius Irving’s wife, to fans 42. “Others,” to Lupe 43. A big dress for a cow? 45. Swig Lounge bldg. 46. Homer Simpson interjection 47. Industrial town in Netherlands or Nigeria 49. To have (something) 51. Debra Messing sitcom ___ and Stacey 52. Krispy Kreme standard 54. Shofar animal 55. Pitcher’s stat. 59. Fresh water game fish, Cyprinidae family 62. Moby Dick captain 64. Mideast-Peace city 65. Conemporary reactionary 66. Nazi race 67. More than 1 of Down 4 72. Tequila source 74. Ted or Ike
75. MPAA awards 76. She married N. Garciaparra 78. The time, here 79. “Closer” band, abbrv. 81. Prime meridian time zone 82. Islamic title of high nobility 83. Maryland river, or another Mideast-peace place 84. Kendal Sq. school 85. Nt. of debt 86. ‘Toon explosive 87. Step 94. Search engine, ___Vista 95. Indian Betel leaf for chewing 97. Less ___ Jake 99. Vases 101. Bdwy. place with Beaumont and Newhouse 103. They run the game rm. 106. Arise, as in from below 107. Gentlemen counterpart 108. Ancient Peruvian people 109. Female gamete 110. Automatic prefix 111. Famous duck 112. Spew feeling 113. Atmospheres, radiations 114. Twain’s ___ Joe 115. Milit. on the weekends 116. Steak order 120. Shoulder muscles, in Gym speak 121. “...or ___!” 122. Dean Jaffe, to friends 125. Nurse deg. like RN or LPN 126. Sorento maker 127. Founded, abbrv. 128. Like Algier Hiss, maybe 129. Chasm or clothing store 130. “3,” to Brutus Don’t fight it - join it! Please feel free to contact
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