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VOLUME V, ISSUE 1

TODAY’S WEATHER

Today: Cloudy, with a chance of meatballs. Tomorrow: Hollywood continues to rape your childhood.

Inside This Issue

CAMPUS NEWS:

Posse program canceled: Billy the Kid’s killing spree continues. Page 6

UNION NEWS: Botched Student Union elections cause most students to realize there were student union elections going on. Page 9

DICTATOR NEWS: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denies Holocaust, spell-check accuracy. Page Oy!

POLITICAL NEWS: Obama criticism seen as racist towards ineffectual politicians. Page You Lie!

NICOTINE NEWS: F.D.A. bans flavored cigarettes, Cinnamon Toast Marlboro sales fall. Page 137

JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: Why are movie stars so cool? A: Because they have so many fans! NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: You know, ever since Patrick Swayze died, we just haven’t had a a whole lot to say. Thank you for understanding. Questions? Comments? Email us at blowfish@brandeis.edu!

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. WE HOPE.

The

Blowfish

SEPTEMBER 24, 2009

Blowfish predicts your future! Page 2 Brandeis fights vampires! Page 3 High Holiday Mad-Libs! Page 3 Freshman still lost/confused! Page 4

NEW BUIlDING DEVELOPS SCIENCE COMPLEX Science Center Becomes Self-Aware; Humanity Deemed “Obsolete” BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer

The boxes have been moved, the overhead projectors have been warmed up, and the brand spanking new shiny-ass Carl Jay Shapiro Science Center is finally open for business. After months of construction, weeks of giddy anticipation, and at least several days of deliberations over who gets to cut the big ribbon, the final touches have been completed, and the state-of-the-art research facility is now fully armed and operational. Nearing the end of the first month of the semester, the final element of the new building’s ever-expanding list of things that seem too expensive to be real has finally been activated: the facility’s centralized master computer. This super-advanced computer sysYou want to get into the building? I’m sorry, reader. I’m afraid I can’t do that. tem - dubbed Brandeis’ “Hella-Advanced Laboratory Processor,” or HALP - began Mad scientist Dr. Jeffery “Bwahaha- buildings on campus. The computer also its cyber-life this past week and has been ha” Barnes sat down with us to explain has an ambiguous, but apparently very operating at peak efficiency. It has state- in detail the intricate workings of the su- intimate, relationship with the espresso of-the-art logic processors, which allow it percomputer. Luckily we weren’t having machine at Einstein’s. to apply critical thinking to both everyday any of that. But there was a deadline and The turning on of the computer was human situations and deep sociological after the 50th game of Minesweeper II greeted with massive protests of Comproblems. It also has direct control over (which is much better than the first Mine- puter Science majors and people who several hundred robot helpers, which it sweeper, but can only be played on a su- read too much science fiction. James Edcan use to effect these solutions. It has percomputer), some questions were acci- ison, who carried a sign reading “What been suggested that putting HALP in dentally asked. Dr. Barnes first explained about the three laws?” demanded that control of everythat HALP “there be stern limits put on this computthing could seri- The computer system controls the cli- controlled all er” and that “the earpieces we all have to ously reduce the mate, surveillance cameras, toilets, of the facil- wear to ‘download’ information be oppossibility of hu- internet, flight capabilities, human ity’s processes tional.” However a counter-protest, led man error in sciexcept for the by Dr. Barnes, soon emerged. Dr. Barnes ence, as well as disintegration facilities, and starboard giant set of pod said, “This is a step forward for science in more everyday cannons in the Science Center. bay doors on and for the human race in general. We decisions such as the third floor have created an artificial intelligence what to eat for breakfast, which routes are because “we aren’t fucking idiots.” The which can allow us to achieve our wildthe most efficient in walking to class, and computer system does control the climate, est dreams. Can’t you understand how with whom to mate. Of course, we aren’t surveillance cameras, toilets, internet, magical that is?” sure exactly how we got these sugges- flight capabilities, human disintegration Science students are expected to use tions. They were just on the desktop of facilities and starboard cannons of the the computer system to look at porn. the computers. All the computers. Science Center and (occasionally) other

NEW HEALTHCARE PLAN BASED ENTIRELY ON DYSTOPIAN FICTION Democratic Overhall Sends Millions Running From Clutches of Oceanian Government

“I am freaking the hell out, man,” Savage (I-NM). “If I had known I would have to pay for a panel of blank-faced posited ordinary schmuck Jorge Orwell. The best legislative programs have bureaucrats to decide whether some guy “I felt like my television was watching always been based on fiction. From Ron- should be put on soma with my money, me back yesterday. Isn’t that fucked ald Reagan’s Star Wars defense program I’d have put myself painfully to death up?” The institution of the telescreen has to Bill Clinton’s Sesame Street urban in front of a jeering crowd.” Yet, using indeed been described as “fucked up” renewal program to zombie-Reagan’s taxpayer money towards distribution of by the steadily diminishing population of political critBRAIIIINNS famine relief program, all h a p p i n e s s - i n of the best presidents have used the vast ducing drugs is “I felt like my television was watching ics. Conversely, canon of creative genius already avail- only the begin- me back yesterday. Isn’t that fucked r e s t a u r a t e u r s have reviewed able to them to effect change. However, ning. The presi- up? President Barack Obama has come un- dent has drawn --Jorge Orwell, concerned American the new food churned out der fire for apparently basing his entire on some of the by Obama’s health care reform plan on dystopian best, scariest, fiction. Whether it’s death squads for se- most revealing-of-the-inner-darkness- Health O’Matics as “delicious,” “incredniors or subliminal “reeducation,” Presi- of-the-human-soul dystopian fiction in ible,” and “PEOPLE!!” “Get your stinking paws off me!” dent Obama has yet to deviate from the order to create a healthcare plan that party line of his robot overlords. Of all is right for the average American. Ob- yelled one protester of Obama’s healthour robot overlords. viously, this has terrified the average care plan, while being contained by local police brandishing spears and “human “It’s just ridiculous,” said Senator J. American. nets.” “You maniacs! You blew it up - a system that already worked for millions! Damn you all to hell!” Fortunately, authorities were able to contain this rabblerouser by performing a quick lobotomy. This type of reaction has been spreading throughout the country as more details of the new healthcare plan come to light. For example, one aspect of the plan now involves putting red lights onto people’s palms. When the lights flash, that is the sign to come into a healthcare center for “renewal,” unless you decide to run away, which will result in...you know what? You probably don’t even get this reference. It’s Logan’s Run, jerk. Rent it. Whatever the case may be, look for the fear over healthcare reform to continue for awhile. That is, until the government removes fear, along with all We would be afraid, but our daily government supplements prevent us from feeling emotions, from our psyche. anything besides apathy and obedience.

BY THOMAS GATES

Brakes For Animals


PAGE 2- OPINION

BlowScopes Your guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars... Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 - Be aware of the impression you present this week. And by that we mean your walk. It’s a bit...flouncy. Dumb, really. Work on it, you look like an idiot. Pisces: February 19 - March 19 Herpes is such a dirty word. Especially to the tribal people of the lower Andes. So when they capture you, don’t fucking say it. Aries: March 20 - April 20 - The way things have been going recently, it’s important to think about both your financial and romantic situations. Think about placing limits on yourself. Really, three lap dances in a weekend should be enough for anybody. Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - You’re a Taurus. You don’t need us to tell you your life will be shit.

BLOW/COUNTER-BLOW

Resolved: President Obama’s push towards healthcare reform has divided the country like a battle ax through a baked potato. While some call for a complete overhaul of the system, including allowing for a public option, others fear that this will force people into specific types of coverage. Do you think healthcare reform is a good idea?

YES

As a diabetic narcoleptic albino with osteoporosis, irritable bowel syndrome and a mild case of SARS, I wholly support a system that will provide me with the necessary medication to make it through the day. The last time I went to the doctor for some medication to take care of my eczema and cystic fibrosis, I was turned away after I vomited up some phlegm and what looked like kidney parts all over the kid next to me (who, I was later told, I passed along my mono to). Its not like life and fun has been easy. I was that guy in summer camp, after all. You know, the one who spent his day in the infirmary every day and got his dandruff all over your stuff. Sure, you enjoyed picking on him during water-gun fights, until you realized that he was allergic to carefree fun, as well as water. Well, I for one am glad that President Obama is taking a stand, allowing the little guys like me, those with a chronic case of lupus, a fighting chance in this cold, epilepsyinducing world.

NO

And so it begins. Those damn liberals, telling us we need to change a system that has been working forever. You know, I remember back when I was in ‘Nam, kicking those Commie’s asses all over that damned jungle. For years I fought off disease with nothing but my lucky knife (named “Lola”) and some R&R. Did we have universal healthcare? Did we have our HMO’s take care of us when we confused Agent Orange for Tang? No, siree. We just sucked it up, drank some Tang, and let the entire country take a dump on us when we got home. Did we like it? No. But golly did we take it, like a true, uninsured American would. Now here come these pussies assuring me that healthcare is required. Medicine for that rash on my back? No thanks, doc, I’ll be fine taking care of it with nothing but my will-power. Stitches to take care of my internal hemorrhaging? Please, don’t make me laugh. I’ve handled much worse. Sure, the government says it will do me good. Well, that sounds like that old Commie-talk, and I won’t have any of it. Mr. Obama -- tear down this government program. Also, free Tibet.

Photo Poll:

How would you rate your healthcare coverage?

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - The winning pitcher in tomorrow night’s Cubs-Brewers game will sire seven children with you. Cancer: June 22 - July 22 - You will be chain-grabbed by King Dedede. Button mash, though it probably won’t help. Leo: July 23 - August 23 - Despite what you’ve been told, God does exist. And He’s not too happy with what you’ve been doing at 1:30am these past few years.

“I think it’s uproariously funny with a good balance of serious political commentary.” -Hawkeye Pierce

“This sounds like a government takeover of health care to me. You all should keep disagreeing.” - H1N1 Virus

“Everything is good if you add enough butter!.” - Julia Child

“Who needs healthcare when man can combat the very fabric of death itself!” - Dr. Frankenstein

“Thank God Acme’s HMO covers rocket-related injuries.” - Wile E. Coyote

Virgo: August 24 - September 23Your fried twinkie will be undercooked, leading to a nasty salmonella outbreak. Libra: September 24 - October 23 All your friends will die. NAAAAH, just kidding! Most will be severely maimed though.

“I tell you, this whole thing is a goob-jabbin’, rickidy-crickidy, zoob-zabbin’ terrorist plot!” - Your Grandmother

For Reading

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22The moon is aligned in Scorpio and the Equinox shimmers into the Aurora Borealis of your stars...OK, seriously, I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about. Do people actually read this shit? Christ...

Thank You

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 - You will be inspired to write a novel by the 4 am re-run of AAARGH! Real Monsters!

Jesse Appell Jackie Fienberg Yael Katzwer Ben Harel

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 - According the laws of quantum physics, you will pass clean through the next wall you run headlong into. Go ahead. Do it.

Not Everyone Can write for the blowfish...

Editors

Judah Druck Daniel Orkin Alex Norris (AWOL)

Staff

Devon Hermenau Allison Maresca Ben Swartz Jaclyn Weinstein

Contributors

Paul Gale Aaron Jacobson Stacy Handler Ethan Mermelstein YO, GET THIS: The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such contains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

But you sure can! The Blowfish’s first brainstorming meeting, Tuesday the 29th at Seven PM! Room 313, Shapiro Campus Center! Writers, editors, photoshoppers...all are welcome!


NEWS- PAGE 3

University Installs Garlic Dispensers to Ward Off Vampire Craze University Turns to Sanitary Methods Following Sacking Of Buffy, Blade

BY KATHY BECKER

nated in Mexico. After taking the whole world by storm, the garlic serum was painstakingly In the wake of the recent vampire craze currently produced in labs funded by the government engulfing Americans ranging from teen-aged-girl and viewers like you. However, vaccination exTwilight fans to dudes-in-college-pretending-to- perts insist that there might not be enough to go be-ironic-but-who-are-actually-very-much- around when push comes to bite-in-the-throat. obsessed Twilight fans, the Supreme Brandeis Therefore, to ensure that the crowds seeking Authority have announced a preemptive plan to the garlic sanitizer don’t get violent and that the install dispensers throughout campus to combat outbreak is effectively contained, Brandeis has the illogical, and, at this point, pretty tired, phe- taken such precautions as sending out a series nomenon. The dispensers will contain a highly of admonitory e-mails, which began over the potent combination of garlic-based anti-vampire summer when you just don’t get that many eserum with just a pinch of refined taste and ac- mails and when you actually do get an e-mail, tual literary value. The serum was developed by it’s just some dumb-ass report from the health Brandeis’ second best chemistry professor along center -- what a let-down. This “vampire mania,” as its with a highbeen dubbed by the press, began ly trained team of first- The dispensers will contain a highly innocently enough. However, afyear under- potent combination of garlic-based ter conquering sub-par children’s g r a d u a t e s . anti-vampure serum with just a pinch books, sub-par tween movies and B r a n d e i s ’ of refined taste and actual literary almost-on-par teenager CDs, the virus quickly found its way to top chemis- value. television, the last refuge of the try research intelligent, adult entertainment team was, of course, too busy developing butter which lowers seeking crowd. Although initially on the fringes, vampiric themes have begun to infiltrate your cholesterol (or something like that). The vampire craze -- which experts say has mainstream television programs, infecting all yet to reach its peak -- is believed to have origi- the majors stations. In October, CBS will preMacaroon Enthusiast

miere “Law and Order: Special Vampire Victims Unit,” or “SVVU.” Similarly, an upcoming story arc on HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” involves Larry alienating his family and friends by inviting a family of vampires over to their house. To complicate matters, Larry commits the faux pax of asking the vampires if they will drink tomato juice, as he is running low on human blood. When asked whether the garlic dispensers would be enough to save the campus, President Reinharz simply threw holy water at us and began loading his gun with silver bullets displaying the steady grace of a man accustomed to loading a President Reinarz, seen preparing for the midgun. We did not seek further night showing of New Moon. comment, though we do think his scooter is pretty neat.

Freshman Guide to Majors

As a freshman, you are going to have to deal with a lot of choices. Which class should I take? Which club should I join? Which girl should I make BY TAYLOR FISHMAN a failed attempt at sleeping with me? Isn’t this, like, the 10th time The Blowfish had made some sort of article making fun of various University Agreed With Kanye departments? Well, to make life a little easier, we here at The Blowfish are here to make your most important decision: what to major in. Judaic Studies-

PRO- You’ll satisfy your nagging grandparents by increasing your odds of meeting your future spouse. CON- A real original choice. Let me guess, you grew up in Long Island, you love Coldplay, and you plan on joking about the bad food in Sherman until at least January.

Chinese-

PRO- Get a leg-up on their imminent world domination by learning such important phrases as “Hello”, “Don’t shoot” and “I never personally supported the economic and social system in which the means of production (also known as capital) are privately controlled, labor, goods and capital are traded in a market, profits are distributed to owners or invested in new technologies and industries, and wages are paid to labor.” CON- A con is a sign of weakness that the Chairman does not appreciate…

Chinese Judaic Studies-

PRO- You get to answer the eternal question- Where should we eat on Christmas Eve? CON- Have you ever tried Kosher Kung-Pow Pork?

Creative Writing-

PRO: Making shit up is actually encouraged. CON: Let’s face it, you’re not actually that creative.

Peace, Conflict, and Coexistence Studies-

PRO- Be able to end every problem in the world, working hard at bringing peace to such troubled areas as Darfur, the Middle East, and Jon and Kate’s house. Though you wont make much money, seeing the smiles of thousands of people you’ve helped will be enough of a reward. CON- Haha, just kidding. Actually, you’ll probably end up selling peyote in Mexico for most of your life, you fucking hippie.

Blowfish Crossword Puzzle-Makers Having a Tough Time

Philosophy-

PRO: Your pretentiousness will know no bounds as you can now dismiss others’ comments as “neo-Kantian dribble” and “a metaphysical disgrace.” As a plus, you can quickly win any argument by saying “It doesn’t matter, we don’t really exist anyways.” CON- You won’t exactly have an easy time getting a job post-college. Not that it matters- we don’t really exist anyways.

Bio-Physics-

PRO: You get to make fun of all those lame Bio-Chem majors. CON: What the hell is Bio-Physics anyway?

American StudiesPRO- Just kidding, it doesn’t exist anymore. Don’t worry though, how much harder can Neuroscience be? CON- A lot.

High Holidays Mad-Libs!

...because 25 hours of repentance can take its toll.

This Sunday evening marks the holiday of Yom Kippur, where thousands of Jews take a break from their daily lives and reflect on another year of being bad people, where bad people equals not calling his/her mother nearly enough, don’t you love me anyBY GUS CHIGGINS more, do you have any idea how hard it was to raise you? And these varicose veins, Old Prospector an issue last year, in which the solution to 37 they’re killing me! Are you even listening to me? However, for those of you who for This Tuesday, veteran Blowfish crossword down, “What I gave my sister for Hanukkah,” some reason do not want to spend a day praying and fasting, The Blowfish is here to present you with your own personal prayer mad-libs for the high holiday. puzzlers Ben, Ally and Jaclyn struggled to turned out to be “Herpes.” complete the crossword puzzle which hopeA major roadblock turned out to be the lack fully appears just behind this article on page of compatibility between Windows and Mac Oh ______ (deity), how ______ (adjective) you have been to ______ (pronoun) this 4. computers. After much quarreling, during year. Thank you for not ______ (physically impossible divine act) us, thus allowing “Uhhhhhhh!!!!” reported Ben Swartz, ‘12, which two writers learned the meaning of the for a ______ (adjective) year that did not result in a ______ (adjective) destruction when asked on the progress of the cross- phrase “hard drives partitioning “ the problem of our people. word puzzle. “I had almost no time today is solved, albeit because of a problem in a slow and unset I hadn’t even start- “What the fuck are we gonna put for 7 timely fashion. You are a great, God of ______ (famous dead Jew), ______ (famous dead Jewess), ed yet.” He opened his down? OWOM? Is that even a word?” Crossword and ______ (obscure Biblical character). However, whereas you made ______ (facomputer and began are not mous dead Jew) do ______ (insane act done in the name of God), I hope that you --Jaclyn, depressed staff member. hijinks to swear softly under unheard of in only require me to sacrifice ______ (pet), as opposed to ______ (loved one). his breath as he rubbed The Blowfish’s his temples. “But it’ll get circles. Each week, done.” the crossworders work late into the night to You might be _______ (adjective) at me for _______ (verb), and I know it explicitly Distractions abound, whether it’s discuss- complete the grid which invariably appears says in ________ (book of the Bible) that this is prohibited, but I am fairly sure that I ing what exactly makes one a Senior or where on page four of each issue of The Blowfish. get a pass here. You see, ______ (deity), I drank a lot of ______ (beverage illegal in exactly this strange sore came from, progress They often cite as a reason for their efforts the the US) and one thing led to ______ (another thing), and whadya know, I woke up in consistently stagnates. constant patronage of Kathy, the upper-usdan a hotel room with a dead ______ (profession usually frowned upon) lying in my bed. “I have no idea how to get people to guess cashier queen who roams the registers and But I got away with it, and I thank ______ (pronoun) for that. that 79 across is ‘TREEB,’” Swartz whined to each week vindicates their work by cracking this reporter. the crossword puzzle’s inner secrets. “An arboreal dweeb? That’d be a Treeb,” “Kathy’s my favorite!” Ally says when the And so, thank you for being a ______ (adjective) God. You have always been good to I suggested. us. Except for ______ (bad thing that happened to the Jews), _______ (terrible thing line above was read out loud to the room. “Whatever. There have been less legitimate “We all love Kathy,” Ben confirmed. The that happened to the Jews), ______ (anything related to the Inquisition/Crusades/ clues printed in The Blowfish,” Ben chuckled, reporter would like to add that Kathy stood up Holocaust), and ______ (anything related to Ben Stiller). But I’m sure we’re past recalling past nights trying to fill impossible for her when the other, meaner cashiers yelled all that. crosswords with halfway decent clue ideas. at him once. Swartz recalled fondly a clue he inserted into ______ (Amen).

Staff Struggles to Complete Only Thing That Keeps You Sane In Class


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Down Clues

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Soulutions to “Famous Names” A P S N L U P E A T H L E I F U R I R A N S E U P E N H I T H H I L R O L E S T E S L R S E M E S E N C E S T I P I E S O O P T O R N R A G I M I K A Z O P S E P E M D

A N O S D I C T D G E R H A I N C S I T E P C L L S F E I M E A D A N C E N A T WSW N A T O A N P A T B R E A B E E S P T I E C C E

M A R E S A L E X I R E D O L E T I S T A R I S K I D R E B I C A B U N S I S A S S H N A S H T E O R T H O B A S S R A R I S L Y A R E N A B I L L G A S I S I A T A A L C H R U H S E T U S A A R I S H I L MO T E N A S T E R S C

U R I R O N N C E O C K P S E A I G R E E D O X A N T I T B E

P E R M

O S A Y

S T I R

R O V E

A N E W

FRESHMAN STILL UNSURE WHERE AIDE GROUP WENT Frightened First-Year Left Wandering Aimlessly Following Lonely Orientation

BY BRUCE DOUGLAS

Can Quote All of “Airplane!”

for Robinson, the only thing people recognized was the giant mustard stain on said shirt. “I’m not sure what to do,” Robinson told The Blowfish from his temporary setup in Sherman, washing his sweaty face with the water from the ice cream scoop cleaner. “The waffle iron is broken. I’m afraid that if more things go down, I’m going to starve, and I can’t

Billy Robinson was pretty sure his AIDE group said they’d be at Sherman for dinner at seven o’clock...three weeks ago. Yet, Robinson was unsuccessful in finding his AIDE group and has been left wandering around campus looking for them ever since. “I am almost positive we agreed to meet in the Carl and Ruth Shapiro Campus Center. “I even wear my ‘I Got In!’ t-shirt I showed up at least ten minutes early, just to make everywhere I go in the hopes that someone will recognize me. sure. And yes, I marked the date in my Brandeis planner that I will be sure to use -- Billy Robinson, lost Freshman all year. But I guess I was wrong.” leave because they might come while Since then, Robinson has been unable I’m gone, and then I’ll be screwed,” to move out of the orientation mindset, Robinson said. walking around with his ID proudly As he’s been waiting so long for his on display around his neck, and refus- OL to show, Robinson constructed a ing to walk anywhere without at least fort out of Kosher trays and extra chairs ten people, most of whom he does not back in the corner of Sherman closest to know. “I even wear my ‘I Got In!’ t- Shapiro dorm. From within the fortress, shirt everywhere I go in the hopes that he gets the Chem lecture notes from the someone will recognize me,” explained internet and studies diligently with a a distraught Robinson. Unfortunately delicate dignity. He claims his fortress is

“nearly impenetrable” and could withstand “over nine thousand attacks.” Most recently, he was nearly shut down by that woman who swipes the cards up front after she noticed him taking his thirtieth trip to and from the hot food station on only one meal credit. Robinson was kicked out of Sherman and banned for life. Fortunately, this enterprising freshman took it upon himself to put searching for his AIDE group on hold and start writing for The Blowfish. He came to our next meeting September the 30th at 7pm and his life was made whole again. Just something to think “Wait, wasn’t the Heller School of Social Policy and Management about. supposed to be here? Fuck!”


September 24, 2009