The Black Sheep
Fr ee . ra .. lik nd e f om al s d lin ur g il in l f g fl rom u se kis as sin on g
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 1 • 2/7/13 - 2/13/13
Time to get Buckwild? Allyson Parrish wrote this
Buckwild. It’s the new reality show on MTV. If you’re from West Virginia or go to school at WVU then you’ve definitely heard of it. Simply put, Buckwild is Jersey Shore done Mountain State-style. Is Buckwild really good for the state, though? In some ways, sure. Now instead of every other state in this country talking about West Virginians as incestuous, they can plainly see we’re just a bunch of out of control idiots. No sister lovin’ here! Other stigmas surrounding West Virginians are also cast aside as a result of Buckwild. The whole idea that people from this state still don’t have electricity or running water is proven false. Sadly, our image as hillbillies still needs a little work, and it doesn’t help that one character says he “Don’t have that internet, or anything” at his house. Hey, at least he can’t see what people are saying about him online. Another myth that has been proven false by the show is that all West Virginians are illiterate and stupid. At least two of the characters go to college, here at WVU in fact. Sure, they probably picked WVU so they could keep their party lifestyle going, but at least they made it into college! Yeah, they gonna get them some’a that edumaction! Buckwild also proves that not everyone in West Virginia looks like the prototypical redneck stereotype . Now when one pictures a redneck he thinks of some nasty, dirty farmer-looking dude with half his teeth missing, which is totally not these people. Granted, these here folk are all pretty redneck, but not in the way most people imagined it. Many people on Twitter are even finding Joey, Tyler, and Shae very attractive. One tweet even says, “Joey can lick apple butter off me ;) #Buckwild.” And hey, look at you, reader! You may be starting to think that Buckwild is the best thing to ever happen to West Virginia! Sadly, some think it’s not. Many West Virginians say that the show shines a bad light on the people of our state. Apparently, the show makes us seem idiotic, rude, party-loving rednecks. That sounds nothing at all like the people from West Virginia. Whaaaaaaaaat? That’s like saying that WVU is a top party school. These people are ridiculous.
Origins of the Mountaineer It’s about as epic as you think it is.
One news anchor was discussing the controversy the show has made so far and she described it as “Jersey Shore meets Honey Boo Boo.” If either of those shows are similar to your life then you have a problem, but if the two have to be combined to describe your life then you need to step back and change some things. Maybe a lot of things. Probably a lot of things. West Virginia Senator, Joe Manchin, is one of these West Virginians who shit a brick when he saw the trailer for the show. He even told MTV not
to run it, but, seriously, Manchin? You thought MTV would listen to you, when they were receiving consultation from American legend Benjamin Franklin and his fabulous money tree? So now that the country has a little taste of West Virginia, it’s fully up to them to decide how awesome or how psycho it is. Either way, West Virginians will keep the motto of the kids in the show, “Whatever happens, happens.”
Dear Blonde Girl Who Sits in the Front Row of Physics
bartender of the week
I love you so much, it’s not weird.
SARA FROM The Vintage Room wouldn’t mind another $200 tip.
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page 4: Oh, the Places You’ll Go Even Dr. Seuss wouldn’t be ready for High Street.
page 5: Top 10: Valentine’s Dates for WVU Students We know none of you want that romantic stuff.
pages 6: from the streets What’s your favorite night of the week to go out in morgantown?
page 9: The Most Romantic of Days It’s sad when Valentine’s Day with your boo consists of catching up on Rock of Love and masturbating in the shower.
page 10: Love in the time of Mardi Gras love was somehow found in a hopeless, drunken place.
page 12: We Interview: Justin Grant Wade Aka, Steve Holt from Arrested Development.
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A college student’s mistaken belief that a spontaneous threesome will occur during his or her college career. ‘It may have been presumptwous of me to think that I was going to have a threesome with those two girls who sat next to me at Arby’s,” Teddy uttered.
Oh, the Places You’ll Go Allyson Parrish wrote this Now is the time that people start looking for new places to live. They look at price, who they want as roommates, if they even want roommates, how close to campus they want to live and so on. But they never seem to take into account the actual part of town they are in or if it even fits their lifestyle. We at The Black Sheep can help you with that. Sunnyside: Everyone from WVU knows that Sunnyside is where all the crazy shit happens. It’s where the infamous Grant Street is. The couch burners and hardcore house party nuts are perfect for this location, or should we say WERE perfect for this location. Since WVU now owns this section of the city, it’s now best suited for the students who really love those dorm rooms and, like hermit crabs, want to move into newer, better ones. It’s also perfect for the students who just want to live short-term in some houses close to campus; as long as they don’t mind the university being in charge of their lease, that is. South Park: South Park is the “opposite side of the tracks” in Morgantown. There’s just something about those people you see on campus that makes one think, “Yeah, they definitely live in South Park.” If you’re a sketch, then South Park is for you. If you’re a female (or a small man) that decides to live there, then you better be the type of female (or small man) that secretly knows martial arts, (or you could carry a can of mace) because even though the hobos of Morgantown sit on High Street, everyone really wonders if they all migrate from “the other side of the bridge.” And, as you know, hobos be fierce. Evansdale campus: There’s a few housing places on the Evansdale campus (it’s mostly dorms), but the people who usually decide to live on Evansdale are always in the school buildings anyway. Evansdale campus is best for the law, engineering, arts and agricultural students. It’s also perfect for those students who don’t really want to go through all that lease signing shit, so they decide to stay in dorms. If you get hurt a lot because you’re clumsy (or maybe always too drunk) then you may think about living here, there are two hospitals nearby to fix your sorry ass. High Street: The liveliest part of Morgantown. All the clubs, restaurants and cute little stores are on this street. Finding a place to live here is perfect for the bar hoppers, club-obsessed, or really fat people who don’t like to go far for their food. If you plan on being wasted for the majority of your days, then you should definitely look into living on High Street. Just think, you’ll never have to worry about having a DD, you can just stumble across the street and you’re home. For the ladies who get so drunk that you can’t walk in your heels, you won’t have to walk barefooted too far to make it to your place.
The Mileground: It seems like no-man’s land. Only the people that can afford the newer houses live up here, and these students are also usually the ones who want nothing to do with the activities of the other students. This area is for the students who take themselves too seriously to go to things like parties, football games, or any other sort of university event that has obnoxiously drunk students. On the other hand, those who don’t want to feel the hand of the university squeezing the fun out of them live here so they can throw huge house parties without worrying about what the university will say. We hope this helps when you make your decision for your new place. Just remember, in Morgantown, it all comes down to how often you’re going to be drunk. If you never get drunk then commute; no one wants a non-drinker here anyway.
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Origins of Top 10 the Mountaineer Lea Ann Butcher wrote this
Deep in the heart of the Appalachian Mountains a storm was beginning to stir. West Virginia was just becoming populated with honkeys fresh off of the boat, and the terrain was still wild and fierce. A strike of lightning hit a nearby peak and broke a tree. Just below the peak a man was living with his family. He decided to go atop this peak to asses the damage. Little did he know what he would find.
Year after year games came and went and the Mountaineer fired his musket at each one. He became a national icon. No other school had a mascot that matched the Mountaineer’s manly intensity. No other school mascot could hunt for wild animals the size of a house and be victorious. Many universities became scared of WVU. One in particular, the University of Pittsburgh, feared the proximity it had to this legendary fellow. Pitt’s mascot was a panther, but as you’ve seen, dear reader, the Mountaineer was keen on hunting this wild cat for sport. One fateful day in 1895, during the first Backyard Brawl, the Mountaineer tackled the panther at a friendly football game. Scared, the panther pooped on the field. The Mountaineer, angry that this cat crapped on his home turf, forced the panther eat his own poop. Moments later, “Eat shit, Pitt!” rang throughout the stadium. Eventually, WVU started to lose their ability to intimidate their foes, not because of
Valentine’'s Dates for WVU Students
You see this every year around this time: “Best Valentine’s Day Dates,” “Most Romantic Dates for Valentine’s Day,” blah blah blah. No one can ever really pull that shit off; the guy is relieved when it’s over and the girl is bitchy because her man isn’t romantic enough. Well, here are some ideas specifically for WVU students, we know none of you want that romantic shit. 10.) Party Up, Get Down: If both you and your date are party animals, then do what you do every weekend: go downtown. There’s nothing wrong with making your bar-hopping time romantic, right?
9.) Ball So Hard: Since Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday and we’ll all want to be out with our friends, stay in and celebrate on the 13th. WVU plays at Baylor. Crack open a box of wine, order a pizza and get bombed while WVU bombs threes. 8.) We Doth Protest!: For the artsy-fart couples, maybe there is a show playing at the Creative Arts Center. You’d be surprised by how much you end up liking it. Just as a bonus: if you’re a dude braving it to be the romantic, then your girl will enjoy this. Handjobs during intermission! 7.) Marathon Sex: Everyone likes to get it in, you and your lover are no different. Swing by the Free Condom Outlet (Student Health Center) and then, you know, don’t uh…have sex for a while. Then, when two people love each other very much the man puts his pe—ok, to be honest, we’re not really sure how this works.
There on the stump of that broken tree stood a tall burly man. He had muscles the size of oak kegs, his beard like two bear cubs fighting on his chin, his coonskin cap bedazzled with the fiercest of eyes, and a still-bloody skinsuit of a deer he killed with his bare hands. He stepped off his stump and molded his musket from iron he pulled from the heart of the mountain itself. The pathetic onlooker stood in awe at the mountain god. 200 years passed before West Virginia created their biggest university. The first president, Alexander Martin, had heard of this legend, and he took to the fog-covered mountains in search of this myth. After weeks of searching, Martin found this burly man gnawing on the leg of a recently-slain mountain lion. The Mountaineer gladly accepted, but on one condition. He must shoot his magic musket at every sporting event the university hosts, and every student must act like the rowdy pioneers he grew to love. Alexander Martin accepted, and the legacy of the school was born.
6.) Love, On Ice: Not very many people know this, but Morgantown has an ice skating rink. Just think of all the fun you could have laughing at your significant other as they constantly fall on their ass. Then you can sit and drink some hot chocolate together while watching the Zamboni zoom across the ice because, let’s face it, that thing is freaking awesome. 5.) A Fire in Your Heart: Are you an extreme WVU student? You know, the ones that like to stick to the traditional blue and gold stuff? Then you and your date could have a romantic dinner in front of an open flame. No, we’re not talking about candlelight or even a fireplace, burn your couch on your front lawn. Tell the cops it represents the passion you and your boo share.
the Mountaineer, but because the students stopped having spirit for their school. Like Santa, this forced the Mountaineer to age. Years passed, and finally, one gray day the Mountaineer died at the ripe old age of 132. At the Mountaineer’s funeral, the strongest members of the football team went to get his musket to bury with him, but to everyone’s disbelief, the musket was stuck inside a giant boulder over the hill. First, the football players tried to pull it out. Then, everyone far and wide did the same. Days turned into weeks, weeks to months, and the crowd had forgot about the Mountaineer’s funeral until he started to stink, so they had to quit worrying about the musket for a while.
4.) Get Fat: There are more restaurants in Morgantown than apartments, and if you want to do the traditional dinner and a movie thing then that’s all right too. Fon-do find a nice little spot to grub with the one you long for, we won’t tell your frat bros that you penned her a poem that wasn’t a dirty limerick. 3.) Play a (Sexy) Teacher: What with all the nerds on campus, there’s bound to be those perverts that fetishize the classroom. If your date is equally nerdy, stay late in one of the halls on campus and get naughty by doing homework together in a classroom that’s supposed to be closed. Oh yeah baby, use that FOIL method. 2.) Be a Star: Let’s say you’re once again trying to be romantic, but don’t know what to do. On top of Hodges Hall there is a telescope. Maybe, just maybe, you can somehow get up there and go star gazing. The only thing that would ruin this romantic exertion is getting caught.
Years later a young man from the university was hiking through the woods near the school when he stumbled upon a giant boulder with what looked like a musket sticking out. Finding this to be a curious sight, he decided to pull it out and take it back with him. It came out with ease. He instantly grew huge muscles and a majestic beard. The clothes he was wearing disappeared and in their place was a skin suit and a coonskin hat. He went back to the university to show off what had happened. The staff members were in shock! They knew of the legend, and many of them have even tried pulling the musket out, but none had been victorious. The young man was declared the new Mountaineer. He went to every university event and shot his musket at every game. He went about fulfilling the duties of the legend before him.
1.) Just Get Laid: Let’s be real here, most WVU students are single, and Valentine’s Day is a day of despair. Turn the thing on its head. Get a group of your friends together and go clubbing. Get so wasted that you forget this sad holiday and go home with that random guy or gal that keeps undressing you with their eyes.
Allyson Parrish wrote this
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite night of the week to go out in Morgantown? “Every night is a good night to go out in Morgantown.” - Sierra M.
“Wednesday, because it lets me know that the week is halfway over, and things get crazy.” - Taylor C.
“Friday. You can blow off steam and relax after a stressful week.” - Ezra N.
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Dear Blonde Girl Who Sits in the Front Row of Physics
tbs staff wrote this
I’m a senior who sits three rows behind you in class, and I think that you have the most beautiful back of the head that I’ve ever seen. This one time in lecture you saw me staring at you and awkwardly smiled, and I knew from that moment on that we were meant to be together for forever. No girl has ever acknowledged me before. I was wondering, would you be my valentine? Frankly, I don’t think I could survive another year with my mother as my valentine. I think that 25 is a bit old for that, don’t you? I was held back several years in grade school because I used to have fits where I would scream and bite any person who came near me, but the psychiatrist has prescribed medication so I generally don’t do that anymore. Last year I only bit four people. I think that we would be a great fit as a valentine because you have interests, and I am willing to change every single thing about my personality to please you. For example, when I looked on your Facebook and saw that The Notebook was your favorite movie, I immediately went and bought it, and now I watch it every day. Speaking of Facebook, why haven’t you added me as a friend? I’ve asked you about 138 times. Even though we haven’t met, I feel like I know every bit of your life. Your best friend Karen will absolutely love my collection of dolls with the eyes removed, and I can’t wait to meet your parents, Bob and Carol, so I can show them my vast collection of Nazi memorabilia. That jerk Aaron doesn’t even seem to appreciate you. I mean, he goes to Pitt. How can you possibly love someone when you don’t spend every single minute of the day with them? Speaking of which, we should probably start planning our
classes together now so we don’t have to spend a moment apart. Let me tell you a little about myself. I work at the Monongalic County Humane Society, which is pretty boring, but sometimes I get to put down dogs, which is pretty cool. Not a single one of my coworkers can remember my name though. The only girlfriend I ever had was when I was 14, and she was from Canada. She asked me to send naked pictures of myself, and when I did, she revealed she was actually a 45-year-old man. We dated for three more months but eventually lost touch and decided to end it. I think our relationship could last longer because you’re a real person and a girl. I have an excellent date planned for Valentine’s Day. First, we will go to my apartment, where I can show you my scale model of bin Laden’s house being invaded by Seal Team 6. I like to reenact it with my action figures. Then we can go to dinner, but I may very well be unable to talk to you, seeing as how women tend to make me incoherent and profusely sweaty. The director’s cut version of Star Wars: Episode II is playing in theaters, and I figured since it’s the best movie ever you would want to see that after dinner. Finally, our night can culminate with the joining of our genitals in a beautiful ritual so we can have our first child together. I am a virgin, but don’t worry. I have watched lots porn so I have a pretty good idea what to do. I want you to meet my cat Mittens as well. He died when I was six, and although it was my first try at taxidermy, I think I did a pretty good job. I really hope you consider going on this date with me. My mother really seems to look forward to driving down to Morgantown, which
greatly concerns me. I feel that we could really have something special as long as you learn to deal with my glandular problem. I have already bought the six-pack of Smirnoff Ice Mango for us to drink and am planning on making a Tombstone pizza, my specialty, in hopes to impress you. Just know that your Valentine’s Day could be perfect if you choose to spend it with my mother and I. Sincerely, Thurston Willingham VII P.S. I got your restraining order in the mail yesterday. There’s no reason to play hard to get, silly!
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the most romantic of days TBS staff wrote this T’was the morning of Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, when I awoke next to my girlfriend. She was the epitome of beauty, her face covered in drool and her nostrils flaring with snoring vibrations that kept me up most of the night. I woke her up, as I do every morning, by leaving a mug of mildly burned coffee on the nightstand next to her wheezing, drooling face. But since this morning was special I put a dash of creamer I stole from IHOP in the coffee to mask the burning aroma! I took a lukewarm shower while the love of my life brushed her teeth and went through her typical “mascara-only” makeup routine. But today she pulled out all the fancy stops—today she put on Chapstick. Such a small gesture, one that I knew she had put extreme amounts of thought into, just to make me, and maybe my penis, happy on this wonderful day. As we ate our usual breakfast together of a few-days-expired blueberry yogurt and off-brand cereal, I felt the rays of winter sunlight, as weak as a Panther’s ejaculate, stream through the window and catch the split ends of her brown hair. We soon parted ways; her going to class and I gallivanting off to watch an entire season of Rock of Love, eating bags upon bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and neglecting any and all work I had to do for school, my internship, or otherwise. All of this in order to better focus my energy on thinking about her for every waking moment of this blessed V-Day. Upon my sweet lady’s return, she drank a cup of water, sprung from the dirty fountain of the sink (only the best for my love); then she took a nap. I decided to take advantage of her slumber to get reacquainted with “Hand-gel-ina Jolie” in shower #2 of the day. Then I made us some scrumptious cuisine: Easy Mac garnished with table pepper I stole from Summit Cafe and served in microwave-tarnished ZooPals bowls. She looked utterly ravishing in the flickering light of the TV, as we sat on the couch and finished up Rock of Love. We kept talking to a minimum, preferring to keep to our own thoughts, and eat in a silence drenched with tenderness only comfortable, cholesterol-ridden love can provide. The fire of passion between us was unmistakable as she changed into her worn-in velour tracksuit to do homework while I researched how to solve our impending fruit fly problem. She lovingly wiped Cheetocheese from my sweatpants and reminded me to take out the trash on my way out tomorrow morning. I returned her doting sentiment by advising she pick up milk and more cheese sticks tomorrow, since we were out of both and since dairy is the key to my heart. The love scrawled between the lines of our
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words inevitably led us back to the couch where we quickly dove under a blanket—obviously in order to watch the latest episode of The Voice that we had recorded the night before. What an episode it was! We were both so exuberant upon its ending that we agreed we deserved an early bedtime right after we treated each other to, you guessed it, ice cream. We even got a little bad and kinky—and covered it in chocolate sprinkles and caramel sauce! Decompressing from all that frozen dairy, I wandered aimlessly around the kitchen while she went to bed. By the time I crawled in she had fallen asleep, which I didn’t mind. There was love in the air as I crawled next to her, mostly because she was sleeping and I now could exercise the sweet relief of farting. Now that’s true love, I thought as I kissed her cheek and fell asleep, my heart all-aflutter with the promise of another fairytale day awaiting me tomorrow.
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love in the time of mardi gras Milo Croyd wrote this The moment I laid eyes on her I knew it could never work. My friends said things like, “Dude, she’s like, way older than you,” and, “She has blood on her lips. Dude, she has blood, like, coming out of her mouth.” And you know what? They were right. However, nothing could ever stop me from falling in love with my soulmate. My sweet angel woman. My dear Celibacy Roxxxane Storm. Her breath smelled of the finest cigarettes one could purchase on an escort’s tip salary. Her teeth were like kernels of harvest corn glimmering in the hot October sun. She had a distinguished gait, and walked like nothing in the room could harm her. It must have had something to do with the sizable varicose vein or her long history of reverse-digesting cucumbersized Lincoln logs every Saturday night. Whatever it was that initially struck me, I knew that Celibacy was my dream woman, and was most definitely the most beautiful woman in all of New Orleans for Mardi Gras 2013. My friends and I had been partying for three days straight, and had reached the climax of our Mardi Gras experience at a bar called Muriel’s. Unless you were there you wouldn’t believe the amount of beautiful women in attendance. There were beads flying around faster than you can say “Pediculosis Pubis-infected landing strips,” and the liquor seemed to be pouring out of holes in the wall. In the insanity, I found myself thinking one thing: This wasn’t doing anything for me. I needed something more. After three days of sexual chaos, the standard beautiful woman seemed uninteresting. I needed someone with pizzazz; someone with spice. My friends and I stayed in the bar until closing. The street we walked on was littered with degenerates and drunks. People were sleeping in the gutter and making love on the sidewalk. To be honest, it made me feel lonely. On our way back to the hotel we passed a hot dog vendor and I ordered myself a foot-long.
I was walking and applying the relish on my monster wiener that I tripped on something in the middle of the street and dropped my hotdog. I initially thought it was a discarded sack of yellow onions, due to the unsettling smell and patches of dirt encompassing it. However, I was proven wrong when the most beautiful face I had ever seen emerged from the sack. “URGHW! You woke me up you son of a...” The voice stopped as our eyes met. “Y...you woke me up from a most terrible dream, darling, into a much better one. Say, is this your hotdog?” “Yes gorgeous, it is,” I said as she picked up the hotdog, picked off the glass and band-aids, and put the entire thing into her mouth. “What is the name of this beautiful thing that lies before me?” I asked. “Storm. Celibacy Roxxxane Storm,” She said with a wink. “Say, you got any glass?” I didn’t hear what she said, as I was lost in her bile-encrusted locks, so I simply responded in the positive. “Come with me,” she said. She took me by the hand and led me to an Audi which was parked in a garage. “Is his your car?” I asked. “Something like that,” she said as she broke the driver-side window with her elbow and unlocked the door. And then we banged. We did it all. The flying banana spider, the reverse elephant crawl, the upside-down clap-closet tornado, the corn husker, the flaming clam-cave excavation, the Irish mork bonker, the Pasadena mudslide, and I even had a chance to double-dip the jiggle stick. She opened me up to a world which I never knew existed, and I would be damned if I would let society tell me that this love was forbidden. As we were cleaning the stick shift I asked her something which had been on my mind the entire time, “Celibacy, will I ever see you again?”
“Darling,” she replied, “You know that society could never allow this.” “But...I love you,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “Oh, Milo. That’s wonderful. Go and love some more,” she said and gave me a kiss. I have not washed that taste of tonsil stones and chewing tobacco out of my mouth. I never saw her again after that. She told me that somebody named “Big Ray” was going to be very upset if she didn’t leave. This Valentine’s Day, when all of you are having fun, I will not be going out with a young woman, I will be staying at home, thinking of that one perfect day in New Orleans. Hoping only to happen upon a sack of yellow onions in a couple weeks at Mardi Gras 2013.
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bartender of the week sara n. the vintage room Age: 22
are nice. During the school year Wednesdays are good especially with Working Women Wednesday. It gets pretty crowded.
Hometown: Charleston, WV Where do you work: The Vintage Room, connected to Bent Willey’s. Best thing about working at The Vintage Room: It is quick, easy money. At The Vintage Room, it is an older crowd. It’s not all college students. It’s more like grad students and professionals. It’s kind of expensive, so I make good money. How long have you been working at The Vintage Room: 8 months Favorite night to work: Fridays and Saturdays are definitely the best, especially with football season. Nights before game days were awesome. We do a lot of private parties at The Vintage Room on the weekends, and those
Favorite drink to make: The key lime martini. Craziest experience bartending: I’ve had a couple boys come in there are order really expensive bottles of wine. Their tab was almost 2,000 dollars, and we got a 400 dollar tip split between two people. It was awesome. Best way to get your attention when you’re working: Honestly, I hate when people are just yelling at me. Most of the time, I tell people my name when they first sit down at the bar, so they can just get my attention that way. Best part of bartending: I don’t want to say I’m in the job for the money, but the money is so quick and easy, and everyday you leave with something in your hand.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Hockey fans everywhere are boozing hard and celebrating the end of the lockout. At the same time, the bandwagon fans are still asking what a lockout is. Pregaming with some puck guarantees a great night.
Everyone has experienced that awful moment at the pregame when you realize you brought the booze but forgot the chaser. Forget the two liter of Sprite and add some sweet flavor to your cheap, crappy vodka in a different way. Cavity vodka is a great way to get rid of that Burnett’s laying in your freezer you have yet to have the desire to drink or even look at.
What You’ll Need: A fifth and a case for every 2-3 players. Number of Players: As many as you can find who truly like hockey. So, not many. Level of Intoxication: You’ll have a nice buzz on before the last one sounds.
What You’ll Need: A handle of plain Burnett’s or any cheap vodka and a bag of your favorite kind of fruity or sour candies (Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, Mike and Ikes, Starburst). Cook Time: At least 24 hours. Be patient. Fatty Factor: Won’t cause you any heart attacks, but you should probably visit your dentist soon.
Pregame With Some Puck
How To Play: - Take a shot of beer for every offside or icing call. - Beer bong or shotgun a beer for every fight. - Chug five seconds for every minute of penalty. - Take a shot at the end of every period. - Take a shot of beer for every shot on goal. - Take a shot for every goal. - Take two shots for every time the goalie accidentally knocks the puck in. - Take a shot for every goal your team won or lost by. The Game Ends When: When the game ends. Duh.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Place the candy at the bottom of a large container or sort out evenly into smaller containers. - Pour vodka into the containers over the candy, leaving at least three inches at the top. - Shake the container well. - Let the container sit for at least a day; however, you will get better results if you let it sit longer, but no longer than one week. - Shake the container once in awhile so the candies’ flavors can continue to mix well with the vodka. - Drink up! The only restriction is not to use any chocolate candies. That’s just gross, man.
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how i met your mother
... on facebook graph search.
Kids, it was winter of 2013, when I met your mother. After a rough night spent at Cindy’s apartment, I knew the girl I was after, but only had a few clues to track her down. Something about the mystery behind your mom enticed me, we were so compatible, yet I had never met her. I knew she lived in New York, and hoped she was single, but nothing else. It’s an impossible feeling to describe – knowing the love of your life is so close, but impossibly far at the same time. Marshall and Lily were blessed to find each other in their youth, but I was growing older and lonelier by the second. While preparing for yet another night of futile Google and Facebook searches for “Where is the one I love,” “How to avoid being alone forever,” and “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you” Facebook alerted to me to their newest feature: Graph Search. It told me I could find just about anyone based on their interests, who they’re loosely associated with, and where they have been. Kids, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! All I had to do was let Facebook find all the single girls in New York. So, let me tell you how I met your mother…
laptop dimmed as did my hopes of finding my future wife. Should I stop here, give up my search, and dig out the naked pictures of Robin I stashed away so many years ago? No! This is the quest for true love. This is the woman I love, the woman who will give me two children, raise them with me until they’re roughly teenagers, then make herself scarce for the next eight years as I tell those children the story of how I met her. She won’t have kids to weigh her down, or an exhusband who will steal her away from me at the altar, and she won’t dress up like a slutty pumpkin and leave me hanging at the same damn Halloween party year after year. I’ve silently waited around for girls my whole life, been the nice guy, done incredibly creepy things for them that seem romantic because I emphasize words like “future” and “fate.” I had to dig into my inner-Mosby mole. I had to find my one true love. That’s it! I know what I should do! I should just search what I like, because my future wife will like all the things I expect her to! Females in New York who are 28, college educated, likes dogs, North Carolina, bass guitar, the New York Times crossword, tennis, old movies, lasagna, Love in the Time of Cholera, Otis Redding, and wants a boy and a girl in the near future.
After sifting through hours worth of girls who just didn’t seem to be the right fit – didn’t feel right in my heart -- I decided I had to narrow it down. But how? How was I ever to find my future wife in the largest city in the world? Then I remembered the three objects I had picked up in Cindy’s apartment in a futile attempt to show her how compatible we were. No longer did I have to find out a person’s interests through actual conversation! No need to hang around local bookstores waiting for a girl to show up and miraculously start proclaiming her love for T.C. Boyle, no need to plan elaborate two minute dates with some girl just to see if they like Star Wars as much as me! All I had to do was lock myself in my room, pop on the perfect song to make an otherwise meaningless moment meaningful, and find my future wife on the computer!
Then, kids, I had a stroke of genius! I added another filter – I’m friends with Cindy and she must be too! So I searched that those girls should be friends, or friends of friends, with Cindy! So there she was, kids. Facebook had led me to your mother. What was going to be another night of dry-pumping and subsequent crying, turned into the night Facebook found me the perfect woman – one who meets and exceeds my excruciatingly high standards. A woman who won’t like me for me, but will like me because she is me.
How am I supposed to find true love in such a wide pool? I must be able to narrow it down, I must dig deeper. There must be more to my true love than these three simple interests. Surely I’ve been interested in people with personalities that take more than three words to describe? If only I had snapped a picture of her ankle then done a reverse image search - No! Get your head straight Mosby! The glow of my
we interview: justin grant wade We caught up with STEVE HOLT!... er, Justin Grant Wade, the actor who play(s/ed?) Steve Holt in the greatest show in history, Arrested Development. We had a few cocktails and the interview ran long, so be sure to check out the extended version online to see who he thinks is funnier: David Cross or Will Arnett, what the set of Greek was like, and if he ever banged Maeby. By: Quinn The Black Sheep: How long were you an actor before you got the role of Steve Holt? Justin Grant Wade: I started acting after my mom and dad were notified by my baseball coaches (and noticed themselves) how much I was a knucklehead on AND off the baseball field growing up. My mom decided to sign me up for acting class around the age of twelve. It was a summer kids course at the South Coast Repertory. I was terrified at first but then quickly adapted and continued to take classes there for many years. After that, I attended the Orange County High School of the Arts in California. That’s where I began to grow and appreciate the arts. I didn’t start “professionally” acting, though, until the age of 14 or 15. And by that I mean going out for TV shows and movies, having a manager and agent and whatnot. TBS: What was the audition process? Did they just ask you to say “Steve Holt!” Or did you have more lines? JGW: Funny story. Life comes around, man. I got the call from the casting director from Arrested. They were having trouble casting the role. A casting director that had worked with the casting of Frasier and many other shows I had auditioned for mentioned my name. She had seen me in a production at South Coast Repertory (that’s why I never knock theater!). They had already had four or five audition rounds when I showed up. It came down to a short brown haired kid with a mop top, about a 6’5” Asian fellow in a varsity jacket, and me. You could hear everyone’s reading through the walls but of course couldn’t see. Pretty much everything you see in “Bringing Up Buster” from season one was read. It seemed as though there wasn’t a lot of laughing. I went last. Six people looking at me. Never met ‘em before that day. All of a sudden I’m doing my read and they’re laughing - even after the audition. We said our goodbyes and a LONG 3 days of anticipation later, I had the part. The industry’s funny like that. TBS: What are some projects you’re working on right now? JGW: Right now I’m continuing to audition and keep on acting. I’ve been working on some writing stuff with some buddies of mine. They’re in the industry, and kind of all over the place so it’s fun to have actors, writers, dp’s, directors and producers all coming together to write and they all have something else to bring to the table. But until then, the new Arrested project is a big goal and that’s fine with me. TBS: How did the Save Steve Holt campaign begin, and where has it gone since? Has it been successful? JGW: I guess I have to start with the latter of the questions. I do know what will be going on with Steve Holt. UNFORTUNATELY, myself, and you included my dear friend Quinn, will be kept from knowing. Think of it as we’re the rubber suit guys from American Horror Story and we can’t unzip our creepy fetish shit until May. The SSH campaign pretty much began as a joke with my buddy Robert Adamson. He’s a fantastic visual/artistic designer and fan of Arrested. He REALLY wanted to get me back on the show at all costs, so he designed the site with our buddy Nick Blancharte. I pretty much sat in the wings while they created t-shirt designs, an entire website, art pieces, business cards, etc... It was crazy. All of a sudden, I wake up one morning and he’s texting me that we’ve already been in the Huffington Post, CNN, and a bunch others. Our Facebook fans shot from 60 or so to 2,000. The web can be nutty sometimes. None of us expected that. Next thing you know we’re shipping t-shirts from AZ to NY to Australia. TBS: I imagine people constantly shout “Steve Holt” at you, what’s the most awkward encounter you’ve had with a “STEVE HOLT!” fan? JGW: The funniest would have to be on a treadmill at the gym one time with my gal pal, Brooke. We were finishing up a good work out and we hear something. She said, “Did someone just yell?” Then we hear it more clearly, “STEVE HOLT!!!!” We turned near the door and there were two dudes with shocked faces that were giggling like little girls. I laughed and waved. They gave me the obligatory “Right on, man!” and quickly bounced. Brooke then turned to me and asked, “Do you know who that was?!” I said, “I don’t know. Obviously a big fan of the show!” She laughed and said, “Yeah! But that was (some guy I can’t remember his name). He’s the one that was obsessed with me and asked me to homecoming like 3 years in a row!” I did remember then, and we had a good laugh. Seeing how we went to high school together. TBS: What was your most memorable on-set moment? JGW: A few good ones – too many to count though. Definitely having the conversation with Alia [Shawkat]’s mom and Michael Cera’s mom before I kissed her daughter. Ali’s first kiss EVER was Michael. I was 19 or so at the time, and was watching from the back of the auditorium we were filming in, unbeknownst to me that the lovely parents were sitting in the row directly in front of me. They asked, “And who do you play?” I said, “STEVE HOLT!” They laughed and said, “Oh wow. So YOU’RE the one that’ll be kissing my little girl! I’m keepin’ an eye on you!” She was of course kidding (but not really) [laughs]. It went off without a hitch and we all know how the kissing cousins ended up... until the new season. See his second favorite moment on theblacksheeponline.com! It has to do with David Cross!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
community Thursday, February 7th at 8pm on NBC
In the 4th season premiere of the cult show that's on the perpetual verge of cancellation, Community is friggin' back! Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) devises a way for students to compete for class space, while Abed (Danny Pudi) stresses about the study group breaking up after graduation. And lucky for us, Chevy Chase is still in the season (save for two episodes)! #SaveCommunity
Side Effects In theaters february 8th
Life is hard, but prescription drugs make it a lot better. When a woman (Rooney Mara) starts taking them to deal with the anxiety of her sexy husband (Channing Tatum) getting released from jail, she realizes that the side effects of said prescription drugs aren't so much fun. Directed by Steven Soderbergh, this film also stars sexy Jude Law and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Sexy, sexy, sexy.
Azealia Banks - Broke with Expensive Taste Out February 12th
Miss Azealia Banks blew up on the Internet last winter with her single "212," making her memorable with her big smile, pearly whites and slick-witted rhymes. She had been relatively silent since then, but is now breaking out with her debut studio album Broke with Expensive Taste. This'll be the test to see if she's more than just a cute girl in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt spitting raunchy lyrics.
As a child it was hard to tell your crush that you "choo-choo-choose" him, or you want her to "bee yours," but that's why there were cheap, perforated pieces of cardboard to do your work for you. As we've grown, our tastes have changed, but our childish demeanors have remained the same. We wanted these Valentine's Day cards to reflect that.
the madlib: my valentine’s day I may not have a significant other today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a kick-___1___ Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s just another ___2___ or whatever the hell day it even is. I have my own traditions that I don’t need no ___3___ tearin’ up my ___4___ and shit, not to mention my ___5___ . I start my day like any normal ___6___ -esque badass like myself would start a day, with a ___7___-wrapped ___8___ and a side of ___9___ chips drizzled with ___10___ , and, for dessert, ___11___ and ___12___ pie. Then I head to my favorite bar, The ___13___ ___14___ . It doesn’t take long before I down a shot or 12 of ___15___ , start groping the ___16___ bartender and shouting on about ___17___ and ___18___ ’s-rights. I end my morning over to the strip club, The ___19___ ___20___. I always get a dance from my girl ___21___ ___22___ , my precious girl. I rarely make it long at the strip club because I’ve never been good at holding my liquor. Good ole’ bouncer ___23___ who could be ___24___ ’s scarier twin gets me a cab, and I make my way home. I roll a fatty of ___25___ , put on some porn, and spend the rest of my day in heaven. I love Valentine’s Day. 1) Body Part 2) Weekday 3) Derogatory Female Term 4) Body Part 5) Vital Organ 6) Action Star
7) Deli Meat 8) Cut of Steak 9) Flavor 10) Dressing 11) Exotic Fruit 12) Type of Meat
13) Hair Color 14) Nationality 15) Fruity Liqueur 16) Old Age 17) Controversial Political Topic 18) Group of People
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