The Black Sheep
F NOT REE... HIN LIKE GE L LSE ITERA IN C LLY OLL EGE .
Vol. 8, Issue 7
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/10/14 - 4/23/14
THE BLACK SHEEP’S GUIDE TO CAFETERIA DINING MITCHELL BARRETT WROTE THIS A place where you can shove five Choco Tacos into your backpack without repercussion. A place where you can find love, yet also forge deep, dark memories into your soul. A place where you can find solace and comfort in the deep ridges of a chicken finger. What is this place? Well it’s a Western Michigan University dining hall, of course! What, with seven dining halls to choose from, The Black Sheep finds it necessary that an organized review be put together so you know exactly where to munch. Enjoy, and remember kids, eat responsibly. Hoekje/Bigelow: It’s only right to start our dining hall review off with Hoekje/ Bigelow. With two dining rooms, 7-days– a-week service, and the “Field of Greens” salad bar, Hoekje/Bigelow is a force to be reckoned with. Did we mention that it’s connected to the Bernhard Center? More like Bern-hardON! Frequent visitors to this dining hall include: Aviation students, international students, and freshmen who are too stupid to realize they live near a closer cafeteria. Bistro 3: “HOLY SHIT WHERE AM I?” is the phrase often muttered while entering the Mecca of all cafeterias. Bistro 3 is a godly food machine. It will blow your mind from Timbuktu to… uh… Kalamazoo! They’ve got everything: Burgers, pizza, pasta, variety ice cream, fruits, veggies, and what’s that? Did we hear someone say “Ni hao?” STIR FRY. The place is so nice, we would say that it’s borderline acceptable for a dinner-date. We wouldn't be surprised if they started serving free beer next year, because it’s just that awesome. Common visitors include: older students, the occasional professor, and tour groups blinded by a veil of lies.
Draper Carryout: “I had a reason to be here but now I forgot where I am,” said blazed sophomore Kyle Vadersocks upon entering the Draper Carryout. This special little dining hall is for all those artsy-fartsy kids in the Draper/Seidschlag dorm. With no available seating and a “grab your food and leave” policy, this cafeteria wins the “Least Friendly” award! Dance majors and music majors alike are seen sashaying and whistling their way to some soups and subs. If you're lucky, you'll be serenaded by a music major, but let’s be honest, that stuff only happens in the movies. Burnham Dining: One special drink comes to mind after visiting the Burnham cafeteria, and that’s Muscle Milk. The people who eat here will mow you down, grind you up into bits, find all your protein, and eat you. That’s right folks, Burnham Dining is connected to the student athlete dorm, and these kids are not messing around. This tiny cafeteria is packed with fruits and veggies, but they'll also toss you some mean pasta for that pre-workout carb load. Patrons include athletes, and weaklings who've wandered into the wrong place. Valley I Dining: As the second largest Valley cafeteria, the Valley I cafeteria serves about one fifth of all freshmen. While the food served may be average, the sub shop will destroy your mouth, and if you play your cards right, your bowels. Although Valley I might not have the most beautiful cafeteria, there’s an abundance of radical 90s photos adorned on the walls. We’re talking overalls, frisbees, and pigtails. The whole shebang. Common frequenters of this cafeteria include freshmen, confused seniors, and people who have nothing special about them.
PAGE 4 HOW TO USE A USELESS DEGREE BURN IT, HANG IT, BREAK IT, SELL IT, JUST DON’T SMOKE IT.
Valley II Dining: The smell of stir fry and general freshman jackassery fills the air at the main Valley dorm cafeteria. The only valley cafeteria open seven days a week, Valley II is home to all walks of life. Many a hungover Saturday morning has been spent there, and they give you just enough cereal and PowerAde to forget your troubles. Average cafeteria food is offered but there is also a stir fry station to satisfy your oriental cravings. Average visitors include health and wellness majors, and the kid who tried to choke you out at last night’s kegger.
Valley III Dining: Western Michigan’s dining services recently unveiled a new slogan for the Valley III dining hall: “Don’t even bother!” which is displayed on a banner above the doors entering this solemn and desolate cafeteria. This food destination was so far out of the way, we had to pay one of our writers $100 just to make a visit, and he was not impressed. Rats running rampant, pieces of ceiling tile found in the food, and only skim milk to drink. SKIM! Well, maybe it’s not that bad, but it’s seriously so far away you’d have to be offered a scholarship just to eat there. The main
PAGE 5 JUST THE TIPS: FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS END THAT UNCOMMITTED COMMITMENT BEFORE YOU GET HURT, SISTER.
course for every meal is a chicken sandwich, and if that doesn’t remind you of 4th grade lunch then we don’t know what will. There you have it, a complete review of every dining hall! Now you know what to eat, where to eat, when to eat, who to eat and WHY to eat. Whether it’s a carry out sub sandwich at midnight after a long study session, or a wake and bake breakfast fest, the Western Michigan dining halls will always be your friend.
PAGES 12-13 JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.
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GUESS THE MASCOT
To be cast out from a group of friends after breaking up with a member of that group. “Just last week I was grabbing beers with Terry, then I get excommunidated after I dumped Lydia, and now he won’t text me back!”
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WAYS TO GET OVER A BAD INTERVIEW WMU STAFF WROTE THIS
HOW TO: USE A USELESS DEGREE ELIZABETH RAFFA WROTE THIS
After spending four or five years drinking heavily without considering it alcoholism and sleeping your way through classes you’ve spent $40,000 dollars to take, you’ve found that the degree you’ve gotten in creative writing is absolutely useless in the real world. But don’t worry guys, there are millions of things to do with that nice piece of paper that says you can write on other pieces of paper. Correct People on the Internet: Go through all the comments on every YouTube video you watch and be the biggest grammar Nazi that you can be. Use your massive, humongous, colossal, vast, gargantuan vocabulary to sound like an arrogant snob who is making a million dollars for your word choice instead of minimum wage at Steak ’n Shake. They will tremble in your virtual presence and then hack your computer because you’re an asshole.
“This is all part of an elaborate scheme to pick up chicks you bring home from the bar.” Impress Your Boss by Writing Him a Poem: Yes, your poem is about why you hate your life, but as far your boss can tell your poem lauds the restaurant for its wonderful service and thanks him for the opportunity to bestow greatness on us all by delivering milkshakes in a timely fashion. What you call irony, he calls “words that sound good all strung together and pretty,” because he doesn’t have a degree in creative writing and you’re better than him. Teach Preschool: When you signed up for this, you were under the impression that the useless little shit bags already knew how to read…and you‘ve come to find out the pay is worse than it was at Steak ‘n Shake. But at least you’re bettering the future public schools with brilliant children who know their alphabet without having to sing, right?
No, these child beasts probably forgot it right when they stepped out of the classroom. First Impressions: This is all part of an elaborate scheme to pick up chicks you bring home from the bar. Frame your diploma. Hang it on the wall in the living room overtop a small bookshelf adorned with classic literature and all of the other overpriced textbooks that you didn’t sell back. When the girl comes to your cheap, shitty apartment and sees how educated you are, you’ll come out on top every time. Literally. Sell Your Degree on eBay: What’s a hopeless jerk to do about picking up girls if he didn’t feel the need to actually go to school to earn his own degree? He’ll be looking to buy your four years of blood, sweat and tears, of course! Make the shipping and handling the price of one credit hour and he’ll definitely be regretting his decision. Use it as a Straight Edge: A straight edge is one of those things that if you need it, you need it NOW! It’s like a plunger that way. With a creative writing degree, drawing straight lines is never more than twenty feet away because you can only afford a studio. It practically pays for itself! Kindling: If you ever find yourself running out of wood or books that are more valuable to you as fire, remember that your diploma is one fine slice of dead tree. You can watch it burn into the ashes that represent your depressing life, withering away under the flames of reality. Sartre may free your soul, but he won’t warm your bones. Only the nourishing burn of what could have been sustains you. It may be one expensive piece of paper, but at the end of the day, it serves many purposes… on paper. Remember to always be safe as you burn your hopes and dreams into the ground.
Hey little feller, did your job interview go okay? You know, the huge interview for that big internship you really wanted? What’s that? It didn’t go so great, you say? It went terrible? Whoa, whoa, slow down. You want to kill yourself? Hey, hey. That’s no kind of attitude, cheer up. The Black Sheep has botched our fair share of interviews and believe us when we say: You’ll live. Sure, you’re feeling down now, but wait until you read our Top Ten ways to get over it. You’ll be aces. 10.) Pause and Reflect: First off, did the interview actually go all that bad or are you just an anxietyprone person? Consider this: If you’re the kind of person who Web M.D.s every canker sore, sunburn and blister then you’re probably just senselessly obsessing over the minute details. We guarantee that the interview didn’t go half as bad as you think. But to be honest, obnoxiously anxious people have a bad tendency to flop on their biggest days and nobody likes a Nervous Nelly… On second thought, never mind. 9.) Google Horror Stories: Get on the Google and check out some forums, look for posts that read: “OMG! Worst. Interview. EVER!” There are all kinds of incompetent people out there who’ve been in worse predicaments than you. So you took a couple of long pauses? Posh. Some man actually spit up on his interviewer’s lips and then, instead of apologizing, laughed and called himself a sprinkler. 8.) Convince Yourself the Job was the Wrong Fit: God, a callback would totally suck. Spreadsheets? Budgets? Independent research? Holy smokes, what a bummer. Good thing you couldn’t properly communicate your former work experience -- you nearly landed that horrible gig. 7.) Send a Threatening Follow-Up E-mail: Okay, so the company said it would get back to you in a week. It’s been six days so go ahead and threaten the lives of your interviewer’s children. “Dear Research Manager Joe, I’ll take every one of your goddamn kids to hell with me,” is a good start. However, it’s important to end on an uplifting note: “I’m looking forward to working with your great firm and am honored to have heard your angel voice -- With sincere lust, Edward.” 6.) Develop an Addiction or Disorder: Don’t think about the interview; distract yourself with drugs, alcohol and food. Whip up a batch of no-bake cookies and pump yourself full of savory heroin. Eat your fill and throw everything up. Wash, rinse, repeat. 5.) Become an Entrepreneur: Who wants to intern at some public limited company when there’s opportunity afoot? Build a hotdog stand alongside I-94 and call it “Roy’s Road Rashes,” it doesn’t have to be perfect, or make any sense at all. We’re pretty sure that spontaneously constructing a hotdog stand anywhere you so please is a totally illegal thing, so…give it a try! 4.) Rethink Your Preparation Strategy: So your interview flopped because you didn’t have the moxie to answer tough, on-the-spot questions at a moment’s notice. You can fix that. Next time, instead of researching the company and memorizing relevant answers to possible questions, have your friends waterboard you. Practice makes perfect, but screaming into a gallon of pouring water will get you through anything. If you want to handle any pressure, trust in torture. 3.) Write Yourself an Inspirational Note: Dear me. Why are you so beautiful and loving? So kind, generous and awesome? So awesome and totally great – especially at talking? Especially at not fucking up that interview? You beautiful piece of useless sludge. You raptor’s ass, you snakesnatched lunatic, you fiery flatulence, you bogus brown-nosing bitch. – Forever yours, you. 2.) Send Your Interviewers an Apologetic Haiku: Oaf sits on mountain / kills and cleans the crocodile / burns his tongue with salt 1.) Just Get Over It: Hey, it’s life. Shit happens (insert uplifting cliché). But if you must fail, fail with grace.
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JUST THE TIPS: ENDING A FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS RELATIONSHIP ELIZABETH RAFFA WROTE THIS
When you’ve violated every cardinal rule of “what not to do” in your fuckbuddy relationship, then you know you’re in an uncommitted commitment that needs to be broken off. Wondering how to go about ending a relationship that you’re not actually in? Obviously, you can’t talk to the person who you only see you as a casual sex partner. One minute you're nonchalantly talking, and the next you’re sixty-nineing in a janitor’s closet. So how’s it done? How do you get out of this? First off, keep your genitals tucked away under all that denim, and take a gander at The Black Sheep’s foolproof tips. Method One: Lie: You’ve been lying this whole time anyway. You might as well come up with some flimsy excuse as to why you can’t have sex with them anymore. For example: drop the “I’m a lesbian” bomb and, in a new wave of selfdiscovery, find that you’re no longer attracted to him or his totally rad penis. If you’re a guy, “I’m trying dude stuff now, boys rule and girls drool!” will definitely work. If you’re gay, tell them that you’ve been scared straight by a spooky conservative campfire story. Or try this: “I’m in a committed relationship.” It’s funny because they might actually believe you. Method Two: Be honest: Follow the mighty footsteps of Honest Abe Lincoln and tell the gospel truth. This way, if you end up seeing them again in the near future, you won’t have to remember your crazy lies and backtrack out of them; just in case you want to end up back in bed (for old time’s sake).
Method Three: Ignore them: Ignore all texts, sexts, and repetitive question marks that signify how much they want to bang. “You up???????????” Pretend your phone is broken; literally break your phone so that you don’t have to see how pathetic they are when they’re losing something that they shouldn’t have had in the first place. Or, simply block their number and hope for the best. Top Tip: You may have to memorize the number so you don’t accidentally answer it when they call. But don’t memorize too hard, or you’ll drunkenly call wanting to see their funky parts again. Method Four: Secretly set them up with someone (less attractive): This may seem counterintuitive, but if you don’t want to see the sucker again, all you have to do is make them fall in love. In case you actually have genuine feelings, make sure the person is less attractive so you can make fun of their gross Instagram photos together. With this, you’ll know that they won’t default back to you for their much-needed sexual release. We mean, you don’t have to say no if they’re asking someone else. Method Five: Transfer: This may seem dramatic, but sometimes a little MIA is the only way to get away from someone who doesn’t understand that “no” means no. Catch a cab and get out of there. Hell, move to Mexico, start a family. The world is your fuckbuddy-free oyster. Your uncommitted sexual relationship seems awfully committed so use one of these five tips to get out of it as soon as possible. The pickle that you're in doesn’t just need to end, it needs to be eaten! And no, that’s not a weird sexual reference.
HOW MARRIAGE EQUALITY WILL DESTROY YOU, YOUR LOVED ONES,
YOUR COUNTRY AND THE UNIVERSE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS
Marriage equality is bad. Super bad. Unbelievably bad. When we tell you how bad marriage equality is, you just will not believe how very, very bad it is. We mean, you might think it's pretty bad to steal a candy bar from the gas station, but that's just peanuts (with delicious caramel and nougat) to marriage equality. Is marriage equality worse than Hitler? Don't quote us on that. But yes. Marriage equality is at least three times worse than Hitler. A lot of liberal douchepuppies will tell you that marriage equality has nothing to do with Hitler. To that we say, "Oh no? Then why are they both bad?" You just can't explain that. The fact is, God hates gays. It's true, we're not just making that up to satisfy a sick inner need for superiority over millions of people we will never meet. God hates the gays and Jesus even said so in the Bible. Jesus wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. The Bible says queers should be put to death, along with witches, sluts, disobedient slaves, people with different religious beliefs and people who eat shrimp.
Notice how the Bible doesn’t say anything about rising to a dictatorial position in Germany, invading all of Europe, murdering 11 million civilians in death camps and wearing shorts? That’s because God loves Hitler more than gays. It's a tough rule, but if you love God the way we love God, you'll keep your ding-dong-having hands off ding-dongs, and your hoohah-having hands off of hoohahs. And if you don't love God as much as we do, you should be stoned to death. We don't make the rules. Besides the OBVIOUS God-loving reasons to support traditional marriage, there are also the obvious other reasons. Like, gays can't make kids. They just slap each other in the face with their wangdoodles because they think it's fun to spit on Jesus' face. No kids means sex is useless, because no God-loving sexhavers have sex unless the outcome is a screaming ten-pound ball of snot that smells like shit and bites your boobs. And since kids are the only reason to get married, gays can't get married. Besides, marriage predates Christian
tradition, and it never involved gays except when it did. So real, TRADITIONAL marriage means you can have, like, twenty wives and can beat the shit out of them if they have an opinion. That sounds way better than wrong-gender dinky-doos in our faces. Marriage equality is a slippery slope. If we let queers get married, they'll think we think they're people. We can't let that happen. Not again. Not after what happened with the blacks. If we let gays get married, how long until they start voting? How long until they want to marry their gay turtles? How long before we have a half-gay president who was born in Kenya and has a funny-sounding name? Not long, America. It’s already happening. There are 17 states that already have full marriage equality, and more than twenty countries. With the loss of the Chosen One, Fred Phelps, that number is expected to grow until we’re all gay and our gay coochies and dongles stop making straight babies because they’re too busy with other gay coochies and dongles.
Michigan recently had a close scare in which marriage equality was legal for almost a day. During the catastrophic ban of the ban on gay marriage, more than 300 couples got married in Michigan, and we’re still suffering the consequences. The earthquakes have caused over $300,000,000 in damage, the hurricanes have killed thousands, the oil spill has poisoned our drinking water and the dragons murder as they please.
But thank God our Attorney General Bill Schuette, probably out of respect for Fred Phelps’ legacy and family, put a stop to all gayness. Thank God the worst thing Michigan has to worry about now is our crippling debt, unemployment rate and public schools, which still use Windows 97. Thank God we don’t have to talk to kids about why two people who are in love are getting married. God fucking bless America.
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THE LEGEND OF THE WESTERN HOUSE CRAWL GRIFFIN MILLER WROTE THIS Hey Broncos, you alive? We know March was tough, what with Mardi Gras and spring break and St. Patty’s Day and all. You’ve probably all had enough Keystone Light and El Toro by now to poison an entire village of Venezuelan schoolchildren, but at least you can say you made it to April. What is April, though, if not just an attempt to shake the giant hangover you have from living through the entire month of March? Think about it—after a full night of grimy drinking, what do you do the next day to feel like a human again? You haphazardly stumble into the shower and try to maneuver yourself into a position where you can safely lay in the bathtub like a partiallydeflated sex doll as hot water pours over you. In April, it’s finally warm enough for actual rain to return and power-wash
away all the blurred shittiness that was your life in March. So why not embrace the new beginnings of spring with a new lifestyle? A lifestyle built on hard work, responsibility, and sobriety? Psyche. There’s a House Crawl to be had, so drop the books and prepare yourself for a Bronco drinking tradition unlike any other. We know what you’re thinking, kids…House Crawl? What’s that? How did such a thing come to be? What does it all mean? Well, let us fill you in, baby broncos… (Morgan Freeman voice) Legend has it that long ago, the mighty bronco emerged from his horsecave after a long and snowy winter to stretch his legs and warm his mane. As he galloped across the state of Michigan, all stood frozen in awe of the majestic
creature. Whispers of admiration and getting bone’d up filled the land. None who laid eyes on the bronco were left flaccid. One afternoon as the noble beast searched for a place to rest, he came upon a miserable stretch of sewage-filled cornfields inhabited by inbreds. The beast cursed the land now known as “Mount Pleasant” with the most spiteful bowel movement this world has ever known. The dump was so gnarly that those who dare enter the land will still, to this day, smell the wreckage for twenty minutes as they leave town. Legend tells us that as the bronco prepared to squat, one of the local inbreds caught a glimpse of his mighty schlong and immediately became filled with jealousy and low self-esteem. The inbred was so distraught
that he wandered his village aimlessly, going door-to-door begging for any available alcohol to help drown his humiliating misfortune and self-consciousness. The bronco saw this miserable, tiny-dicked wretch of a man, and returned home to tell his buddies, who whinnied and neighed their asses off. The situation only became more epic when they all began doing impressions of the Mt. Pleasant inbred walking around in search of booze. To this day, we Broncos continue the springtime tradition of sarcastically roaming around our neighborhoods in search of new alcohol, all while laughing at the story of the inbred Mount Pleantines and respectfully remembering the girth of the mighty bronco dong. This brilliant tradition, everybody, is the
Western House Crawl. The year 2014 brings graces us with two house crawls — one on April 5th, and the next on April 12th. Much like the split that happened between the Catholic and Protestants, this happened because “fuck it, why not?” … We didn’t really pay attention in Sunday School. Both will take place in the same neighborhood near noon and around (1040) Main Street. Word on the block is
that the boys from @1040_MainStreet have dished out t-shirts that will entitle the wearer complimentary drinks at every one of the established House Crawl destinations. However, they ran out, so if you didn’t get one bring your own cup, dummy. As is your style though, Broncos, pack a pint of that sweet, sweet Admiral in your back pocket and thank Morgan Freeman you live in Kalamazoo.
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Relationship Status: Single Major: Accounting Favorite Drink: Jack & Diet
Favorite Shot: Straight Fireball Disgusting Drink: Anything gin What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Peter Griffin.
What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: Ha, Ha, fuck you.
OF THE WEEK
What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: The leprechaun that comes into our bar.
This bar’s motto, five words or less: Our bar’s bigger than yours. Give us an original swear word substitute (ex: darn=damn): I just use the bad ones.
If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: The head. How are we going to get out of this mess?: Run.
Kayla of Wayside West
DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:
- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.
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Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s very mediocre.
RECIPE for DISASTER Decked-Out Peanut Butter and Grilled Cheese Alright, time to stop kidding yourself: you’re running low on money. Whether your parents are cutting you off for the third year in a row of abysmal grades or you’ve just been giving up shifts at the dining hall, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that you’re spending way too much on late-night pizzas and chicken strips. To cope, here’s a quick, easy, and cheap snack that you could honestly make right now within the comfort of your own home … if you’re properly sauced at 2:30 in the morning, of course. What You Need: A toaster or George Foreman Grill (we prefer the latter because the grill lines at least make it seem like we dined out for the night.), 6 slices of bread (3 at the very LEAST. You can stack this sucker up as high as you want, baby.), Peanut butter, Your favorite flavor of jelly, Plastic cheese singles (if you’re fancy enough to be toting around deli-style carvings, then leave us peasants alone.) Cook Time: About 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: If it’s come to this, you can’t really complain about feeling a little queasy. Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the George Foreman and place as many slices of bread on the grill as possible. If you have one of those fancy-schmancy industrial-sized
ones that can fit ALL 6 slices on at once, then congratulations: your parents love you more than ours. - Periodically check the toast to see if it’s grilled to your liking, but, you only want to get halfway there. - Remove the toast and begin assembling the first deck of the sandwich by placing a cheese single on a slice, following by another slice, followed by another single, and finished off with another slice. Look at you and your college education! - Begin assembling the second deck of the sandwich by applying the same concepts we learned in chapter 1 (the above step). This time, of course, stick to layers of peanut butter and jelly. - Carefully place the finished sandwich back on the grill. It’ll heat things up fast, so if the scent of burning cheese makes your nose hairs tear up, be attentive. - Remove the sandwich without searing your hand. - Stuff that sucker down before you sober up to visible regret. We know, we know. This is budget cooking to the absolute extreme. But if years of mixing assorted liquors together have taught us anything, it’s that, with practice, mixing assorted foods won’t make you sick all the time.
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This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.
The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes. The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him: “They have no wine!” Mary said. Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to
the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.” “We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said. “Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched. Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.” “No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus
yelled: “Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.
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