The Black Sheep
F COL REE... LEG LIKE E TU TH I T I O E CO N O MBI F A NED 14SEE D.
Vol. 8, Issue 6
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/27/14 - 4/9/14
CONSIDER IT DUNN:
PRESIDENT DUNN BURNS CENTRAL MICHIGAN UNIVERSITY TO THE GROUND MITCHELL BARRETT WROTE THIS In an unprecedented (but completely necessary) move this week, President Dunn transformed Central Michigan University from a quaint university to thousands of charred embers and burnt textbooks. What was once the town of Mt. Pleasant quickly turned into Mt. Your-WorstNightmare; by the end of the night President Dunn burnt down every single building, using only a bottle of lighter fluid, flint rock, and a box of matches. As one student described the carnage, “I just saw him cackling, wide-eyed, riding a bareback bronco and screaming ‘ROW THE BOAT’ while he torched the place. It was really something.” What brought J. Dunn to do such a nasty deed to our biggest rivals? Was it sore feelings from this year’s Central-Western game? Was it dark secrets and a mysterious past? Well according to the esteemed president, he was “just doing his job.” “I felt it necessary that people know Western really is a top-100 national university. We have drive, passion, and intellect here in Kalamazoo. So what’s a better idea than to burn every last tiny bit of Mount Pleasant to the ground?” President Dunn said to horrified reporters. According to several news sources, over 500 students were injured in the inferno. Witnesses say that they saw burning Chippewas running for their lives as a shirtless man riding a horse splashed gasoline onto the walls of the school. Interestingly, Mt. Pleasant police say they won’t be investigating the crime:" Ah you know how it is, just a little CentralWestern rivalry, nothin’ the kids can’t handle” said Mt. Pleasant Chief of Police Carl McCannister. On Western’s campus morale couldn’t be higher. “Yeah, I can see why he did it,” Western Sophomore Kyle Bradich said. “Why not give Central another shot at the whole ‘being a university’ thing? The way I see it, they have a chance to rebuild now. He was actually doing them a favor!” A recent poll administered by The Black Sheep Research Squad shows that 99.9% of students felt that burning Central to the ground was a necessary move. “That’s the way things go in Michigan," Brandich added, “pick Western: Learn, party, and bang chicks. Pick Central: Burn alive in your sleep. It’s all about making the right choice.” What will the Chips be planning for revenge? Will they be able to muster the brainpower to pull off an even better April Fools’ prank, much less, rebuild their school? One thing is for certain: They are not happy. “This is some serious bullshit” Central Michigan student Kyle Rivers said,
PAGE 4 HOW TO EXECUTE A 3-WAY DISNEY PRINCESS JASMINE, PLUS ROOMMATE, PLUS BOLOGNA, EQUALS THE NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.
“I have nowhere to go, my clothes are dirty, and my school is a barren wasteland… Oh wait are we talking about AFTER the fire? Yeah, that sucks too.” How did the whole town burn? Well, according to the Mt. Pleasant fire department, the screams, “just weren’t loud enough” and they could sense that, “classic Central-Western rivalry wafting through the air.”When asked about preventing the inferno, Fire Chief Rick Delanzo said, “there’s no need to get all frazzled over a little joke. Besides, the kids over there
had retention ponds by the dorms; they knew what they were doing. Just stop, drop, and roll.” While the move may be deemed “inappropriate” or “violent” by the media, The Black Sheep would like to stand behind President Dunn and his actions. Nowadays, with imminent nuclear war breathing down our necks, burning down an entire town really doesn't seem all that bad. In fact, burnt soil is considered to be extremely fertile, so maybe those dirty Chips can plant something other than corn this time around!
PAGE 5 A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS
PAGES 12-13 TACO BELL MENU FLOPS: PAST AND PRESENT
JUST DO WHAT YOU DID FOR FOOTBALL SEASON, DRINK AND ENJOY THE EYE CANDY.
HEY, ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, AND NEITHER WAS TACO BELL’S PERFECTION.
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GUESS THE MASCOT
A very farty poop heard by all, worthy of a SyFy made-for-TV movie.
“Barry released a shartnado of epic proportions between songs at the party; he left shortly thereafter.”
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SEX AND THE U
HOW TO: EXECUTE A 3-WAY GRIFFIN MILLER WROTE THIS
It’s Wednesday night and you just finished laying the pipe on that online exam. Your buddy calls you up asking if you want to go to Wayside, but you just blew the last of your cash on R&R and fivedollar foot longs. Normally, you’d resort to stealing drinks from the token forty-yearold at the bar, but you were recently banned for upperdecking the downstairs bathroom, so Wayside is no longer an option. Luckily for you, that kind of hot Latin chick you worked with at the Library two years ago still has your number, and you’re the fortunate recipient of an 8 p.m. drunk text. She wants you to, “come drink lolzz” so you convince your roommate Craig to accompany you to her place in the student ghetto. Not long after you arrive at her shitty, crumbling house you notice that one of her friends looks kind of like a snaggletoothed, Franziadrinking version of the Disney princess, Jasmine. You think back to all those wonderful chubs you got at age ten and, for a second, a glimmering thought pops into your head: The ménage a trois. Could you be so bold? Could you be so adventurous as to get down with both Jasmine and Library Girl at the same time? Before you jump the gun, you’ve got to stop and think. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep has this scenario all worked out. Feel out the vibes: Library Girl’s 8 p.m. drunk text speaks for itself, so the only wild card in this situation is Jasmine. Feel her out with some smooth talk, and say charming things like, “Did you fart? Cause I’m about to blow you away,” and, “You got an ass like an onion, girl… makes me wanna cry.” If she laughs and flirts back, you’re golden. But if she doesn’t, or you get too drunk, then you’ll have to prepare for a different kind of three-way. If Jasmine is down: Well, well, well, look at you. Library
GARDENING TIPS RYAN SHEK WROTE THIS
Spring is finally here and that means one thing for college students: It’s gardening season! That’s right; forsythia, perennials, tulips and daisies, now’s the time to get serious if want your patio foliage to outshine your eighty-year-old arthritic neighbor’s. But before you throw on your gardening gloves and hike up your grass-stained pants, cultivate your mind with all The Black Sheep’s gardening knowledge. 10.) Lose the Bird Feeders: There’s no worse thing for a ripening garden than a bunch of freeloading birds. Not only will they eat every last speck of birdseed out of your thirty dollar sack, but they’ll stick around for months just to gobble your strawberries. To rid yourself of society’s most ungracious animal, throw out the feeders and fill your neighbor’s birdbath with a gallon of gasoline. Don’t panic if your neighbor catches you, just take a sip and insist it’s harmless.
Girl is slappin’ a bag of Franzia into your mouth and Jasmine has her feet in your lap and is reminding everyone how douchey her ex is. Seems like you’ve stumbled face first into a pot of gold here, Patty McBonerstein. If you’re too intoxicated, the quickest route to bumpin’ uglies is the elimination of clothing. Either play a stripversion of a drinking game, or, if it’s warm enough, suggest sneaking into a nearby pool. If neither of these options is viable, pee your pants. By doing this, you’ll A.) have an excuse to take off your pants and B.) show the two girls how funny and confident you are. The girls will love this move and most likely follow suit. Once everyone’s clothes are gone, you’ll have to be a real Steven Glansberg to screw it up. If Jasmine isn’t down: Uh oh, looks like all those great pick-up lines about farting failed and Jasmine gave you a Chris Brown beat down, spilling your pricey bottle of R&R in the process. Now, you’re coming down from a buzz and stuck in a room with sloppy Library Girl and your shitty roommate, Craig, who smells like wet rags. Are you going to abandon the dream? Are you going to give up on the story you wish you could tell your other shitty roommate, Dylan? Nope. Time to suck it up and follow through with the least cool three-way possible: One involving two guys. Subtlety is not your friend
in this scenario. If it fails, you don’t want to appear like you cared too much about seeing your buddy at full staff. So, you can only go about this three-way in two ways: First, ask Library Girl if she’s ever been to Paris. If she catches onto your sophisticated hint and agrees to engage in the famed “Eiffel Tower” with you and Craig, our work is done. If she’s too confused by the question or has no idea what you’re talking about, she’s probably too drunk or misinformed to perform such a perilous maneuver. Second, pull a switcheroo. Take Library Girl into her bedroom and her get warmed up. After some mild action, say you left some Beefarino on the stove and need to go turn it off. While you’re gone, Craig will sneak into her room, assuming your identity, and Bada-boom bada-bing. True, all three people weren’t in the room at once, but hey, sloppy train cars still count for something. If you fall asleep in the bathtub: Welp, you got too drunk and now it’s 5:15 in the morning and no one is to be found. You’ve still got your mind set on that ménage a trois, though. Your best option at this point is to go into the kitchen and find a piece of bologna. Heat it up in the microwave then go stuff it between two couch cushions on the sofa that Craig is passed out on. Get on your knees and show that bologna who’s boss. You + bologna + Craig = 3. Way to go! You did it! It’s not even Friday yet!
9.) Prep the Soil: If you’ve already cleared a garden and planted seeds, then check for growth and get ready for a bloom. If not, grab an old-school rake and get busy. Dig up big patches of grass alongside your deck, and when your roommates get home, prance over the dirt like an Indian hunting water buffalo. That way, when they ask just what in the crusty fuck you’re doing to their lawn you can say, “It’s Mother Earth, she grows and I weep.” 8.) Mulch Away: Now that you’ve got clear land, you’ll need to know what weeds love. Dirt. Cover that awful dirt with some mulch, but don’t purchase biodegradable ground leaves or bark. That’s a cheap, eco-friendly option that will have everyone questioning your garden’s seriousness. Instead, buy the rubber mulch recycled from old tires and try to imagine the color contrasts. You’ll blow everyone away with all the beauty and terrible playground smells. 7.) Take a Break: You’ve just dug up and mulched your entire garden and assured its protection from whole generations of ravenous birds. Go ahead and drink a beer. 6.) Take a Nap: Drinking beer can leave you sleepy and bloated, and according to the U.S. Surgeon General, consumption of alcohol impairs your ability to operate gardening machinery and may cause health problems. So go ahead and sleep this one off, you’ve earned it, tiger. 5.) Plant Some Veggies: If you want vegetables in the summer and don’t want to spend sixty cents a pound for tomatoes, then go ahead and start planting now. If you’re the kind of person who thinks gardens are reserved for aesthetically pleasing flowers, then heed this: Every garden needs a utilitarian plant. Even though a head of broccoli looks an awful lot like the green tip of an alien’s dick, it’s a nutritious, delicious treat and could even score you some drug money if you were to sell it in bulk. 4.) Plant Eggplants: Do you even know what an eggplant looks like? Well, Google it, and then say you wouldn’t want those silly things growing just outside your window. Think of all the fun you could have throwing those purple swollen sweeties at stray neighborhood cats. 3.) Buy Flowers or Something: Hey, gardens need flowers, right? Go down to the nearest hardware store greenhouse and buy everything you can: daises, lilies, catmint, coneflowers, forget-menots, whatever. As the old saying goes, “the world is your oyster, plant it, and watch it grow.” 2.) Leave the Flowers on Your Deck: Shit, you still have to plant those flowers. Ah, you can just get to it tomorrow. The game’s on and the flowers don’t look half bad in their little black lugs. If your roommates hassle you, remind them that a deck full of unplanted daisies is still twice as beautiful as a deck full of empty pizza boxes and Keystone Lights. Of course, someone is going to have to do something about all that empty deck space… 1.) Drink Keystone Lights, and Try Again Next Year: Hey, you weren’t just going to watch all that empty deck space go to waste, were you? Crack open a can of something smooth, and toss all those empty cans aside. Eat pizza and add some cardboard treasure to the growing mounds of sparkling blue aluminum. By late spring those daises will have grown out of their little lugs and into their quiet deaths, but luckily, you’ll still have one impressive, smelly, recycled-tire-mulch garden to look at.
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A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS SARA CZARNECKI WROTE THIS
Western Michigan, it’s almost time to get out your baseball caps and wieners! Ladies, if your boyfriend is an American (which, just duh) he’s just as pumped for opening day as the night you let him eat Cheetos during sex. But if you’re like most women, you don’t know shit about baseball other than it includes smoking-hot dudes in tight pants and home plate, which for once, isn’t your vag.
friends and now you’re at the game, so now what? Really, NOW WHAT? If you’re a real Bronco girl, you’ll sneak a pint of vodka into the cargo pocket of your friend’s shorts, because that’s what cargo pockets are made for.
But The Black Sheep has got your back ladies, and we’ll help you to prepare for the tons of ‘girlfriend/ boyfriend time’ called baseball. And we’ll learn you a little something about America’s favorite pastime.
Once you and the guys are sick of the park, just crack open that pint and get ready to be drunk for the next three hours. Yeah dudettes, news flash: BASEBALL HAS NO PREDICTBLE TIME FRAME. If you’re a heavy drinker then jump on that Blue Label, or Popov 100 proof, because it’s going to be a long-ass day.
Clear Your Schedule: First off, baseball is going to consume a lot more time than you’d expect. You’re going to hear random numbers, many numbers. Those numbers are called statistics and they’re not important to you. Forget about them. Those numbers have no impact on your life. We don’t want you worrying your pretty little head over a player’s RBI.
Don’t Try to Learn the Game: We recommend not asking questions, just talk about how attractive the players are. Also, it’s a great idea to bombard your guy friends with selfies. Just take as many selfies as possible. They’ll love it. Make sure to snap one while you’re shoving a massive hot dog in your mouth, too. It’s cute, and really, it represents how chicks understand America’s pastime.
Enjoy the Eye Candy: Listen up, the professional players your boyfriend will continuously talk about will, in fact, be waaaaay hotter than your actual boyfriend. Your boyfriend will never be as hot as the physical player who plays in games, catches balls, looks tan. We can promise you that. If anything’s going to get you through baseball season, it’s thinking about all the hot professional players. Imagine them while your boyfriend porks you.
Don’t Speak Baseballese: We can’t stress this enough: Don’t write checks you can’t cash, chicks. If you don’t know the stats, then just don’t say any number you read on the bathroom wall. If you don’t know any players, don’t say the names of baseball icons who played years ago. You’re going look stupid spouting, “Mark McGuire, Jackie Robinson, Barry Bonds,” and if you happen to mention Sammy Sosa, then F-you. Just, F-you. They don’t play anymore! Also this isn’t a good time to bring up plot themes of Moneyball, or how you admire the game because of The Jackie Robinson Story.
By now, hopefully you’ve realized the true purpose of professional baseball: To give you something to hope for while you screw. If you had any sense at all, you’d demand that your boyfriend bring you to his baseball game man-dates. Ball Park Etiquette: You broke down your guy
Ultimately, just do what you did during football season, stay quiet and root for the appropriate team. Or, for the surefire thing, cheer when you see everyone else cheering. Trust us, you’ll be okay. Booze always helps. But shit, when doesn’t it?
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY: After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
9 - Close: $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts $5 Double Premiums
Saturday Sunday Monday
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
Evening: $2 Well Drinks $4 Double Wells
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Premium Pints $2 Wells, $4.00 Dbl Wells
Service Industry 1/2 Price on Everything w/ Pay Stub!
Tuesday: College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz,
HAPPY HOUR Mon.-Fri. 3-7 $2.50 Domestic Pints/Wells, $3.50 Micro Pints Red Wings Games $2.50 Molson & Labatt Lt Btls $3.50 TALL Labatt Drafts
TUESDAY: $1 Wells 1/2 off Red Bull Drinks $1 Pizza Slices JEREMY SPRAGUE AND D.J. KANE
18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.
$2.50 Wells $2.50 All Bottles $4 Johnny Vegas
$3 U-Call-It $5.99 Chicken and Perch Baskets
PBR Thursday! $7 60oz pitchers, $1.50 pints
$1 PBR and High Life Bottles, $4 Long Islands, $3.50 Fireball/Apple Pie Shots!
$1 Any Domestic Draft $2 Wells $4 Red Bull Vodkas $3 1 Topping Pizza (4-8) $5 1 Topping Pizza (8-midnight)
Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental
$3 U-CALL IT 3-9pm 3-2-1 SATURDAYS 9pm-1am $3 Captain, Jack, Perl Vodka Flavors $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts Pints, $1 MOJO Shots
1/2 off Food and Drinks NOON-MIDNIGHT
Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental
$1.75 16oz PBR Cans, $4 Bloody Mary's
3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
1/2 Off Food and Drinks (Noon - 11PM) $3 All Pints and $2.50 Wells (11PM - Close)
$5 Pitchers of Beer $0.35 Naked Wings, $0.40 Breaded Wings, $0.45 Boneless Wings $5 Bloody Mary bar, $6 for Top Shelf, $4 Mimosas
Service Industry Night (8 - close) 1/2 off drinks, 1/2 off apps
$12 Mystery Bucket of 4 Beers 10pm - Close: $1 off all mixed drinks 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$1 PBR $2.50 Wells $3 Manager Shots $4 DELUXE Burger Baskets
$2.50 Bud & Bud Light 16oz Aluminums, $3 Bartender Specialty Drink $2.50 Hot Dogs, $3.50 Brats, Fully loaded condiment bar for brats and hot dogs!
College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D. Ladies Night (6pm - close) $3 Cosmos, Appletinis, Absolut & Cranberry, $2 Glasses of Wine, $1 Games, $3 Microbrew pints
EVERYDAY! 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all Pints and 22ozs.
3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$4 Long Islands
3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands
$3 Pints of Any Michigan Draft 10pm - Close: $1 off all mixed drinks 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$3 ANYTHING 9pm-1am
$1 Wells 1/2 off Red Bull Drinks $1 Pizza Slices JEREMY SPRAGUE AND D.J. KANE
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints, $3 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Prem Pints $2.00 Well Drinks $4.00 Double Wells
Big Mug Night! 32oz Draft for 22oz Price 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$3 All Pints, $3.50 Captain/ Jack Singles, $5.50 Dbls LIVE TRIVIA at 8pm, 1st Place - $30 2nd Place - $20 3rd Place - $10
$5 Mixed Pitchers, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $1 Tacos D.J. 5-0
Rolling Rock Mondays
(6-close) $7 60oz pitchers, $2 bottles, $5 for 2 hours of bowling, $2 shoes
sonic menu items
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Relationship Status: Taken Major: Graduated Favorite Drink: Three Olives Tartz and soda
Favorite Shot: Always tequila Disgusting Drink: Gin, balsamic vinegar and Tabasco (I felt horrible pouring it!) What’s the least used liquor behind the bar?: Sloe gin
Does anyone ever try to pay you for drinks with something other than money or sex?: Yes, this St. Paddy's weekend a guy tried to pay with his cell phone.
OF THE WEEK
If you had to, what carnival game with you bet your life on?: The one with the gun that you spray water into a clown’s mouth.
Favorite rap line: “Yes, when I first met my SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday, the way she moved reminded me of a Brown Stallion Horse with skates on, ya know?”
Would you rather push a grandma down the stairs or shit all over the bed during sex?: Push grandma, hopefully she has life alert.
Stephanie of The Grotto
Why should people read TBS?: Because it's hilarious, real and quintessential Western.
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Pennies
Cheesy Taco Buns
Look, laundry week really socked it to ya, and it’s not like you’re breaking into numismatic collection just to entertain your roommates. Pennies, it is! You do have some of those, right? Stack ‘em up and have at it.
We’re going to take a wild guess here and assume you’re still hungover from spring break, yes? After all those long, hard hours of getting swole at the gym and not putting ranch on everything, your sexy bod is now a gallon of digesting tequila and inauthentic Mexican food. Don’t beat yourself up, just think about everything LiLo has gone through. So since you don’t need to have a bikini body for another two months, treat yourself with more cheese and more carbs.
What You’ll Need: Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. Number of Players: Two Level of Intoxication: Hey, Lincoln indulged in a belt of whiskey once in a while. How to Play: - Both players assemble a stack of ten pennies in front of them. - Players take turns sliding pennies across the table, attempting to knock down his opponent’s stack. - Each time a player fails to knock down his opponent’s stack, add that penny to the top of the opponent’s stack. - If a player misses his opponent’s stack entirely, he must drink one. - If a player hits his opponent’s stack but fails to knock it over, he must drink two drinks. - If the penny used by the shooter stops and remains in contact with his opponent’s stack, the shooter must drink three drinks. - If a player manages to topple his opponent’s stack, the loser must drink the same number of drinks as there are pennies on the winner’s stack. The Game Ends When: John Wilkes Booth shows up. : (((((((((((((((((
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What You Need: 1 tube of biscuit dough, 1lb. ground beef, 1 packet of taco seasoning, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 (or much, much more) cup shredded cheddar cheese, 1 8oz. package of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons melted butter. Cook Time: All in all, about 30 minutes. Enough time to do some squats. Fatty Factor: You will definitely feel it in your buns. Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef, making sure to drain the grease every now and again. - Add the taco seasoning as directed on the packet. - In a bowl, mix together the salsa and cream cheese. - On a greased baking sheet, roll out the biscuits so they are flat and somewhat thin. - Spread about 1 tbsp. of the cream cheese mixture onto the biscuit. - Put a spoonful of ground beef onto the cream cheese mixture. - Finally, sprinkle a bit of shredded cheese on top. - Seal the edges, and brush the tops of biscuits with melted butter. - Bake at 350 degrees for 13-16 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned. - Optional: Dip that shit in ranch, you deserve it. Why go to a third-world country for a butt implant when you can just eat, like, 1000 of these?
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present dan mirabelli wrote this Over the decades, Taco Bell has been known for introducing many ambitious products, and while some reached great success and satiated many a stoner, their risky menu items haven’t always been hits. In honor of the release of the new Taco Bell Breakfast Menu on March 27th, The Black Sheep looks back on failed Taco Bell menu items.
THE FIRST MEAL As Taco Bell’s most recent attempt at breakfast, the fast food chain had to cook up some truly exciting items to stand out in the crowd and overshadow their past failures. With items like the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap, Taco Bell has already drummed up excitement among its fan base. But will they conquer the masses, or will they join the long line of discontinued tortilla-wrapped trash?
THE WAFFLE TACO
The Waffle Taco is exactly what it sounds like, but its most controversial feature is that it is doused in maple syrup. Waffles are not exactly known for being syrup retardant, and within minutes this seemingly glorious creation will be a soggy and sticky mess. We predict that many a customer will order this item to go, only to cover their steering wheel in syrup and ruin their shirt before they even make it to work. Mondays, right Garfield?
Preliminary nutrition reports show that the A.M. Crunchwrap will contain 1250 milligrams of sodium, over half the recommended amount per day for adults under 51. That’s right, you can knock out half your sodium intake for the day for less than $3 before 7 a.m., now that is efficiency at its finest.
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present
THE FIRST TRY AT BREAKFAST
THE BELL BEEFER
While many fan reacted to news of a new Taco Bell breakfast menu with enthusiasm and anticipation, most do not know that Taco Bell made a previous attempt in the past to launch a successful breakfast menu. In the 1990s, Taco Bell asked their patrons to “Make a Run for The Border for Breakfast,” however the menu mostly left people making a run for the bathroom. The menu included items like the Double Bacon Egg Burrito and tater-tot-esque potato chunks. Fans of the breakfast menu described the eggs as “Pretty darn good, you can barely tell that they’re instant!”
In the mid-1980s before Taco Bell thought outside the bun, they had an item that had a bun. For some reason Taco Bell executives decided that simply adhering to “Mexican” food was holding the restaurant back from its true potential, so the Bell Beefer was introduced. Consisting of a more-than-healthy serving of taco meat, shredded cheese, lettuce, and chunks of tomato, Taco Bell burst onto the burger scene. However, the Bell Beefer was essentially a shitty sloppy joe. Being so sloppy, it ruined one too many pairs of parachute pants before it was discontinued.
TACO BELL FRIES Yes that’s right, fries… from Taco Bell. Intriguing, yes. Tasty, hell no. Taking a page from their popular Nacho Supreme menu item, some dingbat in upper management decided that making Fries Supreme was a good idea in the late 1990s. And in a result that came out of left field, the fries were not a hit. Apparently people don’t enjoy having their crummy fries covered in ground beef and sour cream, who could’ve guessed?
If this list has taught you anything, it is to “enjoy” Taco Bell’s menu items as much as you can, because you can never know when your favorite fart-inducing pile of horsemeat will be discontinued. So get to your closest Taco Bell and suck down some ground bacon and instant eggs before they’re gone. But remember to download the new level of that iPhone game you play, because you’ll be spending some extra time on the crapper. And don’t forget to bring a net so you can fish your colon out of the toilet bowl when you’re finished.
Because you can’t have only four items on a menu and odd numbers are the cat’s pajama’s, Taco Bell decided to make one item and pretend that it was two different ones. Boasting eggs, bacon, and cheese, these items are exactly the same except for one key difference. One is a cylindrical, and the other is a semi-circle. This exact item was on the first attempt at breakfast, but the second time’s the charm.
Back in 1995, the head honchos at Taco Bell realized that the taco empire was missing a key ingredient from its Mexican cuisine: Bacon. In order to fill the glaring hole in their lineup, a bacon-centric sub-menu was released that incorporated bacon into 3 menu items. However Taco Bell was ahead of it’s time, and the bacon craze had not entered full swing. For this reason, and the small detail that the “bacon” tasted like awful ham, the Sizzlin’ Bacon Menu didn’t last very long.
BLT TACO: Another venture that Taco Bell took in the mid 1980s was the ill-fated Seafood Salad. Created to oppose the Filet-O-Fish, the Seafood Salad included black olives, lettuce, tomato, bay shrimp, white fish, and snow crab. Unfortunately these ingredients tasted far from fresh, and the refrigeration techniques in the 1980s weren’t up to snuff. Due to this and multiple near-lethal food poisoning occurrences, Taco Bell was forced to pull the Seafood Salad from their menu.
BREAKFAST BURRITO AND A.M. GRILLED TACO
Consisting of bacon, lettuce, tomato, club sauce, and cheddar cheese, the BLT Taco perfectly followed the classic recipe of the BLT. Unfortunately it was unable to attain the success and glory of its namesake, because what type of person walks into a Taco Bell and thinks to themselves “Huh, screw those MexiMelts, I came here for a damn BLT. “ Not a single person on the planet is that stupid, so as quickly as the BLT Taco appeared on the scene, it disappeared.
BACON CHEESEBURGER BURRITO: Unlike the Bell Beefer, this menu item attempted to put the burger into the burrito. But once again, customers realized that instead of eating a bizarre cheeseburgerand-bacon concoction, they could go down the street and buy something better from a restaurant that actually makes their money from making burgers.
It is quite literally impossible to even try to make fun of these. They are going to be delicious, maybe even delightful, and you will surely eat far more than what is healthy for the average person. Actually, eating only one is probably not healthy for you, but what the hell. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.
CHICKEN CLUB BURRITO:
In addition to having bacon, this burrito had chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a ranch-like sauce. Why was this delicious-sounding burrito taken off the menu? Because it was atrocious. Chicken. From Taco Bell. In the 1990s. Wanna talk about salmonella? You’d have to wash out you mouth with Purell after every bite, but there’s one problem with that. Purell HADN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.
THE RUSSELL CROWE SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Russell Crowe characters are from? Email us at email@example.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1.) Noah 2.) American Gangster 3.) Cinderella Man 4.) Les Misérables
5.) Gladiator 6.) Robin Hood 7.) A Beautiful Mind 8.) 3:10 to Yuma 9.) Romper Stomper
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WMU - Issue 6 - 3/27/2014