The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Vol. 7, Issue 5
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10/24/13 - 11/6/13
KalamaBOO! Chilling College Tales to Spook Your Friends BY: Hannah Weyer The Black Sheep discovered a dusty book buried in the back of Waldo. Inside were some of the spooookiest Halloween stories we’ve ever read. We’ve transcribed them for your enjoyment, but please, read on with caution… A Nightmare on Water Street: It was a cold, rainy night in October, and Buster was troubled. In a mere six hours he had a physics exam, and he had forgotten all about it until two in the morning, six episodes into a Game of Thrones marathon. Buster quickly realized that there would be a time to sleep, but it was not this night. “Coffee,” Buster thought. “I need coffee in my body.” So he got into his car and he drove around to find the nearest coffee shop. A light flickered in the distance and Buster gasped at his good luck. “I thought Water Street closed at 11! Jesus IS my friend!” Buster parked his car and ran out of the rain into the cute little coffee shop. The lights were dim and the shop was empty, save for one pale, skinny woman at the counter. “Goooooood eeeeeeveniiiiiing,” the cashier greeted Buster. “Hi, yes,” he answered. “I need a coffee with extra coffee, please.”
“For heeeeeeere?” the woman asked. “Or to goooooooo?” “Here, if you don’t mind. I’ve gotta study.” The cashier gave Buster a wry smile. “Foooourteeeeen niiiinetyyyy threeeeeeeee.” “What?!” Buster said. “Why is it $14.93?!” The cashier frowned. “You’re being very ruuuuuuuuude.” Buster blushed and gave her fifteen dollars. “Sorry. Keep the change.” Ten minutes later, after Buster had sat down and tried to focus on algorithms or whichever thing physics is, the cashier brought him out a coffee the size of his head. Buster nearly wept. “I love you,” he called after the cashier before she disappeared to the back. He took a sip of the coffee. Immediately, he knew something was wrong, but he didn’t know what. A ghostly voice echoed in the shop as Buster drank his coffee. “If you fall asleep in your dreeeeeeam,” it whispered, “you fall asleep in real liiiiiiife…” Suddenly it hit Buster. Decaf.
Paraphile Activity: Buster had really lucked out finding Betty right after last call at The Library. And he had majorly lucked out that Betty’s apartment was half a block away. He just couldn’t believe how much he’d lucked out that her roommates were gone for the weekend. So when Betty brought out the zip ties, Buster didn’t even want to try his luck by asking questions. His hooves were a little tight on the bedpost, but what’s playful light bondage without a little sting? “What are you gonna do to me?” Buster asked cheekily. Betty smiled and grabbed the whipped cream from the nightstand. “Shut up. I hate you.” Buster laughed and waited for the whipped cream. But instead of putting it anywhere fun, Betty began huffing fumes from the almost empty can. “I CAN SEE YOUR SOUL!” she shouted, laughing. It then occurred to Buster that no one knew where he was and his phone was dead. Betty put on a clown nose and dinosaur hand rubber gloves. “Okay, you suck on my toes. I’m gonna shave your belly with a dull kitchen knife and Ivory soap. Ready? BREAK!”
“Wait!” Buster shouted. “I don’t like any of that!” “Don’t be a pussy!” Betty shouted, shoving her feet into Buster’s mouth. “Smile for the camera!” “Mu faid vah weh wigh meanv off!” “Ha!” Betty said. “You’re a stupid idiot! Red lights always mean on! Now hum Christmas music while you suck on my feet! Silent night, holy night…” Buster’s last conscious thought of the night was “What smells like eggs?” The Scary Bitch Project: No one likes group projects, except for the people who make group projects miserable. The letter M loved group projects, a fact that knocked her down from a solid 8 in Buster’s eyes to a -17. His other groupmates, Sparty and the letter C, glared at M and Buster sighed. “Let’s meet in the library tomorrow night with our notes,” M said. “We can divide and conquer the topics so we cover more ground. I want to be as thorough as possible!” “Great,” said C after a pause. “So… what’s our topic again?” Sparty and M both rolled their
eyes and sighed angrily. Buster did too. He hated C. M assigned chapters and topics and Buster pretended to understand. The next day, Buster was seriously hung over and not up for listening to M bitch about globalization theory or whatever the class was about, so he sent a group text. “SRY. FAMILY EMERGENCY. CANT MAKE IT TO LIBRARY.” Twenty seconds later, C responded. “ME EITHR. MY GRANDMA IS GETTING HER PROSTATE REMOVED.” Sparty answered, “I have the cancer.” By democracy rules, the study session was cancelled. And yet, Buster felt a pit in his stomach as he waited for M to answer. Two hours and half a cold pizza later, Buster’s phone buzzed with a text from C.
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“Gross,” he said. “Phone herpes.” But he opened the picture up. It was a red letter G lying on the floor. Buster looked closer and gasped when he realized it wasn’t a G at all. It was C, with one of her motion blurs broken off and stuck back on grotesquely. The phone buzzed again. E. C was bent at agonizing angles that made Buster’s bones hurt. Again. T. T. O. T. H. E. L. I. B. R. A. R. Y. Buster was paralyzed with horror. He couldn’t decide whether to call the police or his mother about the dismembered C. All he knew is that he wasn’t safe. Buster got up to barricade the door when his phone buzzed again. This time it was a picture of Sparty’s head lying next to the broken C. The last thing Buster did was scream.
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Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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To arouse a sexual partner by blowing. With air. “Patrick ventitillated Mary by blowing in her ear; after, she was his for the taking.”
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @Black_Sheep_WMU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Classic college party icon actor covers jizz-filled long johns with this keep-fresh tin foil.
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Recently Re-Convened Congress Faces Polarizing Debate
Over Provisions for Annual Halloween Party By: Benny Boy
“The Republican Party would like to make clear its opinion that the giant tarantula overseeing the senate chamber is more along the lines of a ‘CreepyCrawly’ party theme, when it was decided in January that we would proceed in a more supernatural, spooky idiom.” Such is the rhetoric being used by House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy in debates over provisions for the House’s annual Halloween Hullabaloo, a current point of contention between the recently reconvened parties of the US House of Representatives. The issue became a major focus of debate last week when House Speaker John Boehner announced his intention to attend the party at Walter White, which was met with fierce opposition by the Democrats, spearheaded by President Obama who claimed that he made his intention of going as Walter White clear in this year’s State of the Union Address. Tensions were further heightened when Boehner suggested that Obama instead go as Gustavo Fring, to which Obama replied, “Wait, why do I gotta be Gus?” The two have not spoken or touched legislation since. The debate then mutated into an argument over the constitutionality of having Washington state representatives select the spooky playlist for the event, a practice which has been in place since
the Fred B. Norman era of 1943-1945. It was then debated whether Halloween was even a thing when the constitution was drafted. After researching for a minute on his iPhone, Illinois representative Aaron Schock announced that Halloween derived from Welsh folklore, and that the term “Halloween” was established well before the drafting of the Constitution, making its implied inclusion in the document fairly plausible. Washington state representative Doc Hastings then added that Halloween did not migrate to the Americas until the 20th century due to puritanic opposition of the holiday during the 18th and 19th centuries, implying that the hullabaloos of said holiday were not strictly regulated in the document. The case will soon go to the Supreme Court. “The Washington representatives just play ‘The Monster Mash’ over and over,” New York representative Charles B. Rangel related to the press. “Truthfully, that’s also what I would play if I were in charge of the playlist, but it’s the principle of the matter.” Radical Republicans have even gone so far as to call the entire costume-wearing custom an affront to the lower-class representatives from Montana and Wyoming. Republican Majority leader Eric Cantor stands at the forefront of this radical movement,
“The Democrats would have you believe that every representative can afford flashy Walter White costumes, but that simply isn’t the case. Forcing every person to wear a costume hurts the representatives from small constituents like Nevada, Oklahoma, and stuff like that.” Despite being a fierce opponent to the costume requirement, Cantor himself will once again be reprising his Satan costume. “Just because I don’t think the Idaho people need to wear costumes doesn’t mean I won’t be dressing up myself. My Beelzebub costume was the hit of the party last year,
I can’t not go as the Dark Lord again.” At the rate that party legislation is currently moving, it will take a small miracle for the Halloween Hullabaloo to be ready in time for Halloween, which House members predict will be sometime near the end of October. There is a ray of hope, however, which lies with the bi-partisan members of the House: although having petty disagreements about which food and music should be present at the party, both sides agree that there should be plenty of booze.
Things your Costume Says About Your Sexual Prowess By: black sheep staff
10.) Sexy Cat: “I like to get drunk and give sloppy handys to strangers on Halloween, just like on any other Thursday. Wearing cat ears and lingerie together is the most creative thing I’ve done since I had to explain the pregnancy test to my parents in high school. My sexual skills include letting you do your thing and the aforementioned sloppy handy.” 9.) Superman: “I think I’m way better in bed than you do, which is fine, because I can finish before you even realize how little I care about your orgasm. My sexual skills include coming faster than a speeding bullet and boob-touching.” 8.) The Doctor: “If I’m drinking, I know my limit. That’s bad news for you, because social is the only kind of lubricant I’m using tonight. My favorite foreplay is cursing Stephen Moffat. My sexual skills include wearing a bowtie and never blinking.”
Why Adults Can't Trick-or-treat By: Sara Czarnecki The Black Sheep looked back on the days of walking for miles and miles just to get out tiny hands on that sweet, sweet chocolate and realized, shit, we can’t walk a block without huffing and puffing, or eat that much candy without wearing yoga pants the next day. That’s why we made up a list not about why adults shouldn’t trick-or-treat, but why we just… can’t. We hate walking: “Walk a half a block to class? Um… are you kidding me?” We cringe at the thought of walking from the tailgating parking lot on East Campus to Waldo stadium, especially in the cold. Or we complain about walking from Schneider to Brown Hall in only 15 minutes. There’s not enough candy in the world to motivate us to walk the miles we’d walk as kids. Booze on the other hand, now that’s a different story. We are drunks: This is Western. Our pregames have pregames. We drink in the shower and think it’s perfectly normal. The only difference between Broncos and alcoholic stay-at-home moms who got pregnant straight out of high school is we do not feel shame. Bad grade, period didn’t come, good grade, break-up, grandma called, make up, new outfit, dead pet, new hair color, bills paid, period came, flannel season, all deserving of a drink. We can’t trick-or-treat ever because we would pregrame trick-or-treating and end up falling asleep in our costumes in the same place we started “Thunder Struck.” That’s a lot of candy: A pillowcase full of candy was the ultimate Halloween memory for most of us, but now we gag at the thought. Between our "healthy" lifestyle weekdays, (“Is that organic? Better be,”) and our marginally less-healthy week-
ends (“GRAGH GRAGHLE SNARF SLURP,”) the only thing less healthy than a college student’s diet is a chain-smoking liver basting in Everclear and eating McNuggets. But one thing we do know is that we can’t eat as many sugary treats as we used to. Sugar to us is so tainted that upon hearing the word “Snickers” we immediately tell everyone within earshot we don’t eat sugary candies, as we take a shot of birthday cake vodka.
7.) Disney Princess: “Look upon me and weep! Standing before you is everything my father ever did wrong! Do you think Daddy would be proud of his little princess as she blows Batman in the bathroom? Do you think this is what he dreamed of for me when he sent me off to college two months ago? My sexual skills include aggression and lightly humming Disney songs while we do it.” 6.) Pun: “I drew on my T-shirt ‘GO CEILING!’ in sharpie! I’m a ceiling fan! Look at how clever I am! Yes, your boobs are nice, but I’m really funny, let’s laugh about that now! My sexual skills include laughing the whole time and being a one-man circle jerk.” 5.) Cross Dresser: “If I wanted to sleep with a woman tonight, I’d have gone as myself. I’m just here to embarrass my friends. That sucks for you if you wanted to ease yourself into your compulsory college lesbian experience. My sexual skills involve telling you about my day and cunnilingus.” 4.) Power Ranger: “If you come back to my place you will (but should not), be shocked by my collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles DVDs and my 90’s movie and TV posters. My sexual skills include made up karate moves and making you feel like a pedophile.” 3.) Anime Cosplay: “I have never seen a non-animated naked human being, and I have no idea what to do with one. Where are the cat ears? What am I supposed to do without tentacles? I don’t understand this world! My sexual skills include Japanese dirty talk and updating my Tumblr every two minutes.”
We dress like sluts: Halloween has grown up with us, and not all for the better. There are more flabby bellies, cop costumes and whore makeup on Halloween in Kalamazoo than in most cities with actual prostitutes. The proof that even big girls want to get freaky is that shady costume designers have came out with plus-size sexy costumes in addition to their normal “thin as shit” sizes. There’s nothing that says, “you’re one bad pussy” like a skin-tight XXL pleather Cat Girl costume ($29.99). No parent who isn’t on meth would or should open up their front door to pass out candy to that situation, and no wife is going to reward a 22-year-old sexy fire lady with a Snickers bar for giving her husband a boner. We aren’t good people: It’s everyone else’s problem when something goes wrong in our drunk and selfish lives. We have mouths that could make sailors blush. We walk around talking loudly about plowing some chick the night before, we get drunk and cry and try to start fights, and we barely fulfill the miniscule responsibilities bestowed upon us. We are a mess. We are constantly looking at ourselves either by taking selfies or actually proclaiming how expensive our outfits are. No. We should never go trick-ortreating again.
2.) Witch: “An oldie, but a goodie. Cleavage is the only spell I need tonight to get free drinks — you just bought me a blueberry cosmo without even looking away from my chest. Magic! My sexual skills include the missionary position and poisoning your well.” 1.) Zombie: “Sup, baby? NOOO NO DON’T TOUCH THE FACE! I spent like three hours getting the makeup just right, wait come back! Will you be my ghoul-friend? Why doesn’t anyone like me anymore?! My sexual skills include scratching my face until your entire apartment is covered in grey face paint flecks and falling asleep immediately after sex.”
Around campus send us your party pics to firstname.lastname@example.org
on the Streets If you had to wear one article of the opposite sex’s clothing every day for the rest of your life, what clothing item would you choose?
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"Oh, neck tie, definitely! Do you know how much makeup I waste every day trying to cover up my neck scar? I would save SO much money!"
"I think I have to say heels. When I wear my slaves' heels, I just feel pretty, you know? Not stilettos, I'd fall over, but some sensible, yet glamorous wedges."
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The Monster Mash By: WMU Staff
Still trying to figure out what to be for Halloween? Let The Black Sheep help you! Pick any number you so desire and start counting down the lists. Cross off an item every time you reach your number until you have one item in each list. That's your costume! Send your Halloween pictures in to TBS!
You Are A... Hipster Insane Steam punk Sexy Undead BAMF Victorian Emo Nerdy
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Vampire With a philosophy degree Zombie With a beard Clown With Tourette’s syndrome Police Officer With breast implants Witch/wizard That’s colorblind John Boehner That sings Disney songs Ghost That can’t remember your name Angel IN SPACE Super Hero That survives solely on candy
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Halloweekend at Cedar Point Halloweekend: The only reason to ever suffer all the idiots requesting passage into the pit of hell that is the Ohio Turnpike. But is it really worth three and half hours of pain just to get scared shitless? Yes. Yes it is. We’re talking rollercoasters all day, and terrifying cataleptic zombies all night. You could only dream up this much fun on Ambien and absinthe.
If you like dead people, that’s fine. Go like dead people, you dead people liker. But if you like dead people who are mentally insane, THIS is the place for you! It’s like zombies specifically looking to drag you into the abyss of your own mind. And if you love almost having a seizure, there are several narrow passages designed specially for such the occasion, with strobe lights and red flashing hospital lights. Add the neat little treat of being chased by zombies in hospital gowns and you might just black out back to your happy place.
Zombie High School:
Wishing you could go back to high school, you nerd? Zombie High School features the most dashing young zombies – er, students -- in the Midwest.
By: Elizabeth Raffa
They’ve got it all — football players and cheerleaders in the locker room with makeup so real that you’d almost believe they were still alive and not corpses dug up from one of Ohio’s many fine cemeteries. You’ll see school lunch ladies waiting for you in the kitchen and creepy classrooms with mostlydead teachers teaching the same boring lectures they’ve been teaching for years and hitting on their students who are way too young for them! Zing!
G.A. Boechling’s Eerie Estate:
Sick of zombies but still jonesing for a scare? Give this haunted mansion five minutes of ghostly fun and you’ll sleep with the lights on for a week. They have a knitting old grandmother in the living room, an old man playing piano in the family room, and some interesting chefs in the kitchen who are very fond of you and your delicious, lively sausages. This experience is the most realistic you can get on Halloweekends, what with all the candles and the interactive ghosts that will make your spine do the jitterbug. The ghosts are extremely welcoming too — the granny in pearls is even knitting you a scarf for the cold Halloween night ahead. The only
problem is that they really enjoy your company and don’t want you to leave. Come to think of it, this may have just been some poor Ohio family’s home we wandered into… they were pretty desperate.
Anything that you’ve ever been scared of, plus some things you weren’t scared of until this experience, are all together at last in five different walkthroughs. If you are terrified of clowns (rephrase: if you still have a pulse), then CarnEvil has your fix for a lifetime. With their peeling face paint and weird
lips and “I’ma cut a bitch” smiles, CarnEvil smells like candy and feels like a nightmare. They also have carousel music playing, and that shit is just creepy. In one night, Ohio redeems itself of almost every bad thing they’ve ever done short of Cincinnati Chili, giving you the opportunity to wet yourself in front of your friends and ride roller coasters in the dark with glow-sticks around your neck. To deny Ohio the opportunity to make up for being horrible eleven months of the year is just petty. Go now, you won’t regret it.
Six Facts About In Life in Color That will make you wonder why you’ve never gone. and when you decide to go, it's 11/1 in east lansing
Life in Color is named as much because they take any old EDM show and add paint. They want to take the ugly, bland canvas that is your life and splatter it with neon colors. Just like Van Gogh, you can strip down to barely nothing and cover yourself in paint. Talk about bringing out your artistic side!
Lots of paint
Seriously, these guys spray paint all over the crowds, everything from using giant paint guns and filling the fire extinguisher system with water-soluble paint to rain it down on everyone at the show. Add this bright, neon colored paint show to a killer light show, all choreographed to brotastic beats and you’re in for a life-changing experience, something you’d need to see for yourself to believe.
Afrojack, one of the premier EDM DJs in the world, will headline Life in Color East Lansing. If somehow you don’t know of Afrojack, go listen to “Take Over Control” or Pit Bull’s “Give Me Everything,” and you’ll be learned in his world renowned afro DJing ways. Laidback Luke and Bobby Burns will be there too, to shower you in goopy paint and heavy dance music.
When Life in Color comes to East Lansing this year it will be held at the Lansing Center — which will give you and all your scantily clad college peers 125 thousand square feet to go nuts in a rainstorm of paint and EDM. It’s not outdoors where the music gets lost in the atmosphere and boring water falls from the sky, it’s inside, where the beats permeate the crowd and neon colors spray from all directions. Now we don’t condone drugs of any kind, but, come on.
Past shows of Life in Color have boasted crowds that fill up entire stadiums, and let us remind you everyone is covered in goddam paint. It’s the world’s largest paint party — way bigger than the one held in the basement of your buddy’s frat last year (and with more, you know, girls). Like imagine adding EDM to the last scene in Ghostbusters I, when the Ghostbusters destroy the Marshmallow Man with energy streams from their proton packs and everyone in surrounding area is covered in marshmallow and ectoplasm. Yep, sorta’ like that.
Life in Color is like the more legitimate, way better version of “I’m Shmacked” —it’s a giant party that tours college campuses and is heavily broadcasted through social media. These days touring concerts and parties pair up schools just as much as college football does. You want the East Lansing show to be touted as the best Life in Color show ever right? You want to show shitholes like Miami and New York that Michigan parties harder than everyone else RIGHT!? Well there’s only one way to do that — show up!
The Black Sheep Interviews
The Black Sheep recently caught up with Steve-O on his national standup tour. Channeling our eighth-grade selves jumping off garages and lighting tennis balls on fire, we asked him every question we could possibly think of while holding back the strange urge to have him smash something over our crotch. He’s reinvigorated and risen from the ashes, so make sure to check out his new Youtube channel and follow him on Twitter, @SteveO.
The Black Sheep: How’d you originally end up working with the guys from Jackass? Steve-O: There was a skateboarding magazine back in the day called Big Brother, which was little more than a bad influence on kids. I loved it; it was really just the greatest magazine ever. I was in the magazine and the videos. The guy in charge of the operation reached out to Spike Jonze at one point and said “Hey man, everybody loves our videos, but no one cares about the skateboarding. I think if we subtract all of the skateboarding then what’s leftover would be a great TV show.” And when you took out the skateboarding, what you had left was me and Knoxville, and Wee Man, and Chris Pontius — and Bam was making a similar kind of video on the east coast — so we kinda merged camps, the Big Brother guys and the CKY guys and that was sort of how we all came together. TBS: For Jackass 3D you were completely sober.Is there a stunt from the past that you couldn’t have done sober? S: I should say I don’t know if I ever did stunts because I was wasted. I think I’ve always done stunts because I’m an attention whore. Getting sober hasn’t really changed that at all. But there was some particularly reckless stuff, one that comes to mind was being strangled unconscious six times in a row. TBS: By who? S: Ryan Dunn did that. We were on tour in England back in 2003, and Ryan Dunn choked me out six times in a row. Yeah, it was all on camera if you just go on Youtube and type “Steve-O Chokes” you can find it. Another one was on a three-day bender when I jumped out of an airplane with no parachute into the ocean. That one wasn’t so easy.
TBS: Which Jackass team member is most willing to take blows to the nuts? S: I don’t know that any of us are really psyched about it… We each have our own separate strengths when it comes to doing stupid things. But I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots. TBS: Is there anyone that won’t ever do them? S: No, we all do them, but we have considerable… I don’t want to say reluctance because we all do it. I mean we all do it, but we dread it. TBS: Looking at Johnny Knoxville, he seems to have aged more in the last 10 years than most people age in 30. How do you think you’ve managed to stay young-looking? S: (Laughs) Wow, I’ll take that as a compliment. I feel like I’ve aged pretty heavily as well, but if I guess if I were to agree with you then I’d have to blame that on healthy living. I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol and I became a vegan. I exercise and stuff, surfing’s a big one. TBS: How many years until Johnny looks like Irving Zisman? S: I don’t know man, (laughs) I don’t know. TBS: How do you feel about having popularized the national phenomenon of buttchugging? S: Oh man, that is… I am incredibly honored for that. It’s incredible. Knoxville sent me this video about a press conference. There were some college frat kids butt-chugging and there was some kind of outrage about it. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. I think they even called it “butt-chugging,” I’m pretty sure I coined that term itself.
TBS: You’re known as one of the guys who does the most intense stunts, but which member of the Jackass crew grew the most in their willingness to do horrible things to their body over time? S: I don’t know, man. We all seem to have our different strengths, it’s kind of a “apples and oranges” question. Whenever no one is willing to do something at all, then the idea trickles down to Danger Ehren. He would be at the top of the pile when it comes to willingness, that’s kinda due to his exceptionally low IQ. TBS: In Wildboyz you got a hotdog whipped from your butt with a bull whip and got your ass stung multiple times by an African emperor scorpion, with that in mind, what is the most painful stunt you’ve done? S: Oh god, I hate that question. It’s all just so subjective, man. Pain just has different criteria, the duration of the pain is an issue. While electrocution hurts more than other stuff, it’s quicker. I hate that question. TBS: A lot of the guys, if they were afraid of snakes or spiders, then that’s the stunt they would do. What was your ‘phobia’? S: I hate roller coasters, which is why I was the perfect candidate for the poo potty. I mean I hate snakes too, I really do, but uh I don’t know if... Yeah like that one thing, I mean certainly rollercoasters are a big thing. TBS: Is it that falling feeling? S: It’s more like not being in control, like I can jump off of shit pretty easily. It’s like with bungee jumping when I’m looking off a bridge, I spent my life kinda jumping off of stuff so much, so I know heights pretty well. I don’t care what’s tied to me, when I look off something that’s 300
“I don’t know that one guy stands out
when it comes to nut shots.” feet high, I usually know not to jump so it’s hard to get past that instinct. I mean I had no problem jumping off the tower of London, which is like the tallest thing I’ve ever jumped off of.
didn’t notice how long it took my nose to heal because this weird kung fu instructor guy set it straight right after it happened. I’d say like three weeks I was in pretty good shape.
TBS: You’ve been sober now for five and a half years, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. So what’s you’re favorite drug to not do? S: I mean… I don’t know how to answer that. I uh… I mean the reality is that if I pick up any drink or drug in short order I’ll be on everything again. I have no delusions about that. I love the saying you know “the alcohol bones connected to the weed bone, the weed bone’s connected to the cocaine bone” and so on…
TBS: Your giant back tattoo, what was the situation where that was done? Did you wake up and it was there or what?
TBS: Did you like being on Dancing with the Stars and hosting Killer Karaoke? Or was it just something to do? S: I, uh, Dancing with the Stars I really did enjoy a lot, Killer Karaoke had its moments. I, uh… but yeah neither of those two were my favorite. TBS: Either in your career or not, what was the best moment in your life so far? S: I’m so jazzed about my new Youtube channel. I would say that the Youtube channel is the exact opposite of Dancing with the Stars and Killer Karaoke. I get to do what I think is fucking awesome and it’s such a treat and a joy. TBS: How long did it take you to heal from the mighty fist of Mike Tyson? S: Eh, pretty quick. I had two black eyes for a while there. I
S: We were preparing to shoot the first Jackass movie and Jeff Tremaine said “Hey, don’t waste our time with any half-assed ideas because now this isn’t a TV show anymore, it’s a movie.” And I kinda took offense to the notion that I would suggest any halfassed ideas. So my immediate response to him was “Oh yeah, how about if I get me tattooed on me, larger than me?” My face on my back is way bigger than my face. TBS: You got a tattoo in January of Santa Claus crucified on your arm. Do you have a favorite tattoo? S: I like ShitFuck on my knuckles. I really do. Really because I’m quite proud of having carved out a place in my life that having profanities tattooed on my knuckles doesn’t hold me back. I’ve had ‘em… It’s been about exactly 10 years since I got ShitFuck tattooed on my hands. TBS: I’m telling readers to subscribe immediately to your blog because it’s honestly awesome. What can they expect to see you do on it in the future? S: I don’t know, I don’t want to give up any ideas, but I’m finishing up a lie detector bit. I don’t even know how it’s gonna come
out. I got Knoxville to come up a list of hilarious and uncomfortable questions for me to answer while attached to a lie detector test. I don’t know what the questions are, but I imagine they’re gonna be pretty fucking terrible. TBS: What can people expect to see on your tour this year? S: It’s filthy comedy and silly physical tricks. I think what makes my comedy unique and worthwhile is A: I’m absolutely shameless. And B: I’m rigorously honest. So if I tell a story you can damn well believe that it happened. And just judging by how shameless I am you can expect the stories to be incredibly juicy and revealing. You know I’ve been doing stand up for a long time and I’m really finding my voice and that’s exciting. People are really coming out and enjoying the show and that means a lot to me. TBS: Anything else we should know? S: At the end of every one of my shows, when I walk off stage I never do anything or go anywhere until I take a photo with anyone who wants one, and lots of times people have things they want to ask me or show me. And everybody gets a chance to do that. I stick around until the bitter end, ‘til everyone who wants one gets a photo. I don’t really know of anybody who does that. And it proves to me to be a lot harder of a job to do that than the show itself. I stay committed to that though, because I want to make it a special experience for the fans who are committed to that. By Tim Mackey
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single
Favorite Drink: Strawberry margarita
What do you think to yourself when you see a person with a flip cell phone?: "They’re a very basic person."
Favorite Shot: Don Julio Disgusting Drink: Four horsemen What would your online dating profile be?: Single Dad, looking for action. Who’s the sexiest comic book character?: Wonder Woman What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: Getting a V.D exam.
Blazer of Big Burrito
What is the last thing you’ve cooked or baked in an oven?:
Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn?: I guess a horse with a horn because a unicorn without its horn has no magic, so it would be pointless . . . Who comes up with these questions? How do you look yourself in the mirror eye day after what you’ve done?: From the side. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s all the news that shouldn’t be printed.
Recipe for disaster
Scary Movie Drinking
Halloween Candy Bark
One of the best parts of Halloween is the excellent selection of movies that we finally get to watch—like Hocus Pocus and Halloweentown—that would be weird to watch any other time of year. Disney classics aside, there will be plenty of horror and scary movies all over the airwaves, so grab a seat and play this game before the party gets hoppin’.
With the plethora of discounted candy this time of year, don’t try to tell us you haven’t run to the grocery store and stocked up. We’re all guilty of it. Here’s a recipe to mix all of your favorite chocolate pieces into one snack for an even bigger sugar rush.
What You’ll Need: Booze, a horror flick of your choice and a television. Number of Players: However many people can fit on the couch. Level of Intoxication: Varies via corniness and awesomeness of said horror flick. How to Play: Pop in the movie and take a swig for the following: - Eerie music, accompanied by strings and or piano, plays for intro credits. - A character is walking painfully slow. - When that dumb bitch who shouldn’t go down the stairs goes down the stairs. - When someone whispers “help me.” - When your favorite character dies. - When your favorite character ends up being the killer/murderer/brother of killer. - When there’s a mirror in the scene and it sets up for something scary as shit in the reflection but it ends up being like the towel rack in the background or something. - Boobs. - When a character being chased trips over their own feet as if they’re running for the first time ever. - Jennifer Love Hewitt. - When you realize the police department in your horror movie is completely and utterly useless. - When the movie ends with one more cheap “pop out” bit for good measure. The Game Ends When: The ending credits roll … or maybe it’s just time to put another DVD in and keep going.
download our free app for all the games!
What You’ll Need: 1 pound bittersweet chocolate chips, 3 regular-sized Butterfinger bars, 3 regular-sized Heath bars, 5 regular-sized Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, 1/2 cup honey roasted peanuts, 3 ounces of chocolate and M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces (or both!) Cook Time: About an hour and a half. Fatty Factor: Just a few cavities, that’s all. Let’s Get Baked: - Chop up the Butterfinger and Heath bars into small bites. - Cut up the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups into quarters. - Melt the bittersweet chocolate chips in a saucepan over the stove or in the microwave and stir until smooth. Watch them closely and increase heat in small increments so the chocolate doesn’t burn. - Spread the melted chocolate onto parchment paper on a pan, leaving it about 1/4 inch thick. - Scatter the chopped pieces of candy and peanuts over the melted chocolate. - Melt the white chocolate and drizzle it over the chocolate bark. - Sprinkle the M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces on top of everything. - Let the bark cool in the fridge for 1 hour before breaking it up into pieces and chowing down. And you thought candy couldn’t get any better…
Ursula Catwoman Paratrooper Ninja Dalmation
Cruella Santa Baby Zebra Warrior Elf Jester
Rapunzel Unicorn Corn Stalk Sulley Uncle Sam
Raver Garden Gnome Flapper Medieval Hula Girl
Friday, November 1st
madlib What was more shocking than
seeing ___1___ dressed up as a ___2___ ’s ___3___ , whatever that means, was waking up on a ___4___ -printed futon on ___5___ at my TA’s house. Or, even more shocking, that I started the night as a sexy ___6___ and ended the night in a neon ___7___ unitard, a half-empty box of ___8___ in one hand and a fifth of ___9___ in the other. Naturally, I got the hell out of there instantly. Upon stepping into the great outdoors, I was amazed by what was before my bloodshot eyes. A group of girls dressed as members of ___10___ , but a ___11___ 1: Your best friend 2: Era 3: Wild animal 4: Cartoon character 5: Popular party street
version, were twerking on the street, clearing still intoxicated. A block down I saw a ___12___ puking in a trash can, the poor freshman. And I almost stepped over a zombie ___13___. They looked so serene in their slumber, I couldn’t dare move them. I stopped into ___14___ and noticed a ___15___ chatting with a ___16___ , and they seemed like they were hitting it off. Walking towards my dorm, I bummed a cigarette from a ___17___ , but it ended up being a joint, which was fine with me. We started talking about ___18___ and how it’s totally
6: Condiment 7: Color 8: Cereal 9: Novelty liquor 10: Heavy metal band
11: Adorable animal 12: Famous TV show character 13: Very old celebrity 14: Local coffee shop
related to global warming, even though now that I think about it, it doesn’t. When I got to my dorm, I was surprised to see my roommate making out with a ___19___. They asked me to join in and that’s when I knew they were on ___20___ still. I suggested we head to the cafeteria and they quickly obliged, commenting on how good I looked even though I clearly reeked of ___21___ and fried ___22___. As I entered the caf, I took in the sights of all my fellow sluggish, hungover peers and got the chills. I love Halloween.
15: Famous politican 16: Offensive historical figure 17: Overdone Halloween costume
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18: Current event 19: Type of athlete 20: Party drug 21: Cheap booze 22: Vegetable
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WMU - Issue 5 - 10/24/2013