The Black Sheep
FRE TIC E...LIK KET E O GIV UR S EAW UP AY O ER B N P OWL AGE 3!
Vol. 8, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/23/14 - 2/5/14
WMU STUDENT PROTESTS TOBACCO BAN:
VOWS TO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE BY: RYAN SHEK
KALAMAZOO, MI: Jack Spanks, a WMU sophomore and library loiterer, said he’s “had it up to here with Western’s pussy shit.” He was of course referring to the tobacco ban WMU’s Board of Trustees unanimously approved a month ago, which is set to begin in September. We caught up with Spanks standing outside the doors of Waldo Library where he was in clear violation of WMU’s current tobacco order: no smoking within twenty-five feet of a building. He expressed minimal interest in the university policy. “Do you think I give two fucks?” he asked as he waffed a lungful of smoke into the face of a passing pedestrian. “Because I don’t. It’s bad enough that they’ve got me standing out here, freezing my dick off.” Spanks admitted to being addicted to nicotine since the day he turned nine, the same afternoon he tried his first cigarette. “It was my birthday so I snuck a butt out of my mom’s ashtray,” Spanks said. “The bitch caught me and made me smoke every single cigarette in there.” According to Spanks there were over two hundred partially-smoked Virginia Slims in that coffee can ashtray, and ever since then he has ingested every form of nicotine imaginable: dip, hookah, patches, and pills. He says he’s smoked or swallowed it all. “Some people think I’m disgusting,” Spanks said, “but what they don’t think, is how to think for themselves.” We were trying to solve Spanks’ nonsensical riddle before he interrupted: “I mean people are always going to tell you the ways not to live. Don’t smoke. Don’t drink. Don’t hop trains. But they’re never going to tell you the ways to live, you know?” Herbert Fern, Spanks’ friend and fellow sophomore, nodded in agreement then voiced his uninvited opinion. “It’s like this,” Fern said, “every time you smoke, you’re standing for something. Every drag you take is like a cause.” Fern turned to toss aside his Starbucks coffee, missing the trash can by a wide margin. “Smokers are the most persecuted people on the planet. We’re like Moses and the Egyptians, or Moses and the reeds. Apparently it’s okay to take away our rights. Apparently it’s okay to make us build pyramids. Apparently…”
PAGE 4 CAN YOU SMELL THE ALOE? WESTERN BRINGS HOME JERGENS LOTION BOWL WIN.
Fern paused, distracted by an onset craving for Skoal Original, he pulled out a can of dip to put a cockroach-size-pinch between his gums. “Apparently, we’re not people at all.” The two students shared a moment of silence, but admitted that things could be worse. They weren’t yet aware that WMU’s ban prohibits all types of tobacco, including non-combustible types such as gum and Skoal Original. When we informed them of the policy’s conditions, Fern erupted in a chorus of profanity and swore on his dead aunt’s grave that he would transfer to Ferris State. Spanks simply sat and crossed his legs, and after fifteen minutes of tense silence Fern tried to console his disappointed friend.
“Don’t worry, Jack,” Fern said, “they can’t enforce it. We’ll chew spitlesstobacco and wear nicotine patches on our asses. There’s no way they can shake us down.” Spanks, however, could not be comforted and bellowed amid Fern’s pleading. The guttural noises eventually took on the familiar form of a single word: "Gasoline. Gasoline. Gasoline." The emotionally distraught eleven-year-smoker decided he would burn himself alive in protest. Fern, swept away by his friend’s martyrdom, spoke at length of Thich Quang Duc, the famous Vietnamese monk who set himself on fire in Saigon. According to Fern, “the world has never seen sacrifice like that one guy’s in Asia until now. This is going to be twice as big” he warned. “Just wait Western, just you wait.”
PAGE 5 STUDENT TRAVELS TO HELL AND BACK FOR CUP OF COFFEE
PAGE 10 GUIDE TO CELEBRATING YOUR 21ST BIRTHDAY
SAYS IT WAS THE BEST GODDAMN COFFEE OF HER ENTIRE LIFE.
PUMP TOXINS INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM AND HAVE A TOTAL BLAST DOING IT!
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GUESS THE MASCOT
Bestowing positive—but false— traits on one’s self as a means of improving one’s self-esteem. “Boy, am a I hard worker, or what!” Brian ornamentality thought to himself after he spent 8 hours watching Netflix while intermittently writing a 2-page discussion paper.
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THINGS TO SMUGGLE INTO YOUR DORM ROOM
BY: WMU STAFF Dorms are nowhere near as exciting as those obnoxious fall-welcomers make them out to be. It’s cold, lonely, and one step above jail. However, dorm life can be something big and exciting; you've just got to make it so. And how do you do that? Well, by smuggling stuff, my pretties. 10.) The family pet: Everyone knows that the only pets allowed in dorm rooms are lame-ass dyslexic fish. Honestly, what kind of companionship can a fish bring that a plant, book, or foot stool couldn't? Next time you go home for the weekend, lure Fido with some Beggin’ Strips and throw his furry ass in a burlap sack. When you come back to the Valleys on Sunday afternoon, smuggle Fido in through a laundry cart. If prisoners can take it, so can your dog.
CAN YOU SMELL THE ALOE?
Western Brings Home Jergens Lotion Bowl Win BY: MITCHELL BARRETT The Michigan State Spartans might be “smelling the roses” after their 24-20 win at January 1st’s Rose Bowl, but the Western Michigan Broncos pulled in a far larger prize. That’s right folks, the Broncos managed to win the Jergens Lotion Bowl, defeating the University of California Santa Cruz Banana Slugs 49-8. Bronco Football head coach P.J. Fleck expressed his gratitude after the victory. "I'd like to thank my team, I’d like to thank my family, but most of all, I would like to thank Jergens Lotion for sponsoring this amazing game and making 'the beautiful difference' truly visible here at Billy Mays Memorial Field. Row the Boat!” The game was hosted at Billy Mays Memorial Field, a remote football stadium behind a Walmart in Rexburg, Idaho. The state-of-the-art arena seats over 80,000 fans, making it one of the largest sport’s facilities in the Pacific Northwest. However, the game didn’t air until after January 10th on True TV, perhaps because of how heavy-handed the announcers were on the masturbation references. One student, Michael Bradeczheck, who travelled with his buddies to support the Broncos, says it was an experience he will never forget. “It was a once in a lifetime game! You had to be there! The fans were screaming, the beer was flowing, and the lotion! Oh, the lotion!” Along with the bowl trophy, the Broncos were awarded a lifetime supply of Jergens lotion. “I can tell you one thing — our players won’t be having dry skin for a VERY long time,” defensive coordinator Ed Pinkham said. “Jergens combination of nourishing emollients and subtle fragrances will help our players on and off the field. Whether they’re in Waldo Stadium on a Saturday or in the lecture hall on a Wednesday afternoon, our team WILL be lubricated, it WILL be smooth.” Of course, the win did not come easy. The Banana
Slugs are known for being able to easily penetrate the defensive line, but the Broncos slip-slided their way to victory in what seemed to be a clumsy game for both teams.
9.) Drank: The instant claim to fame on any dorm floor is fearlessly providing booze for your fellow freshmen. We're not suggesting that you become an errand boy for the lesser underclassmen, we're suggesting that you stock up. Sure it sounds risky, but when you're drinking with your friends and they start whining about wanting just one more twelve pack of Coors Light, you can bust out a halfgallon of Old Crow whiskey. Popular much? 8.) Siblings: Have you always wanted to show your little bro or younger sis what it's like to be a college student? Maybe give them a little taste of freedom? Screw guest check-ins and the parental consent bureaucracy — hide those ten-year-olds in a mini-fridge, and when you get them up into your dorm, crack them open their first beer, securing their love and respect forever. 7.) Pot: Your RA, not the cool RA on the floor above you, can smell that shit better than a trained police dog. The night you bust out a joint with a drunk "fuck it" kind of attitude is the night the boys in blue show up to haul your sorry ass away. The only smart-ish way to smoke pot in the dorms is with a vaporizer, and you’re too poor for that. 6.) Vaporizer: “If you're going to be dumb, then you've got to be tough” as a song we think we heard once goes. In this case, if you're going to be high then you can't be dumb. Even tough people can't do both. Plus, these things can look so futuristic you’ll be able to convince the police it’s just an iPod.
“Something was different” Banana Slugs offensive coordinator John Lubman said, “we just couldn't keep hold of the ball. Maybe it had something to do with the free samples of shea butter hand cream, or the coconut oil moisturizers that the Jergens company every so kindly handed out.” One notable moment of the game was when wide receiver Corey Davis returned a kickoff for an 80 yard score. The freshman was praised for his ability to slip through the defense’s arms like soap in a locker room shower. “I don’t even know how I pulled that shit off,” Davis said, “I think it might have had something to do with the 'lotion squad' that Jergens assigned me for the game. They kept rubbing different products on me and stuff. Now that I look back on it, I guess it was pretty weird.” The Jergens company was heavily criticized for their interference with the game, but according to Jergens CEO Jack Schron Jr., that is just his company’s way of staying involved in the community. “Here at Jergens, we value getting close to our commercial partners. If our product is getting under your skin, then it's most likely that we will too, folks. So lube up, and have a great time, because that’s what we're all about.” The Broncos returned to Kalamazoo to find a screaming crowd full of proud students and alumni near the entrance of Waldo Stadium. An emotional P...J Fleck was overwhelmed by the moment, “There were tears of joy, laughter, and a whole lot of celebration. But most importantly, there was plenty of Jergens lotion to share for us all,” he said. Kalamazoo agrees, Fleck brought back a win that Western will never forget.
5.) Open flame grills: Not all grills are family-sized Hank Hill Gravediggers. Some are fairly compact, and with this in mind, why microwave yourself a bowl-cup of Easy Mac when you could just as easily grill your own Hasselhoff Whopper? 4.) Snakes: You'll be sitting at the bar listening to some new coworker brag about how he and his bros got so drunk they broke their dorm windows out, and you'll top it with "Yah, that's pretty wild. That's kind of like the time I set twelve ball pythons loose at the end of my hall." Game. Set. Match. 3.) Ant farms: Ant farms might be considered pets in some circles, and they might not even be technically banned from dorms. But who cares? Honestly: ant smuggling? There’s got to be some way to profit off of that. 2.) Ornamental swords: They don’t have to be authentic thousand-dollar samurai katanas, but they do have to be metal. And sharp. Reenacting the epic death-match between Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is pretty fun to do with taped-together-Keystone empties. But imagine if the “pretendsabers” could actually maim or kill. You and your nerd bros have never feel so alive. 1.) Coke: As in cocaine. Remember what we said about smuggling booze into the dorms? Think that level of popularity, times 1 billion. Until you go to jail… but hey, three hots and a cot ain’t much different than what you’re getting right now, is it? And it's fine!
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STUDENT TRAVELS TO HELL AND BACK FOR CUP OF COFFEE: SAYS IT WAS “WORTH IT.” BY: HANNAH WEYER KALAMAZOO, MI- Responding to rumors about her whereabouts the morning of January 16th, WMU senior and Kalamazoo native Jessica Parks confirmed that, yes, she had traveled to literal Hell and back before her 8 a.m. Russian literature class to get a strong, yet sweet, cup of French roasted coffee with hazelnut cream and a touch of honey. “At exactly 6 a.m. on the date in question,” Parks addressed her roommates, “my alarm went off. I, being exhausted from a night of Netflix and procrastination, hit the snooze button no less than four times. But at 6:36, it became clear to me that there was no way in Hell I was getting through the day without coffee. And I was right.” Upon learning that the apartment didn’t have enough coffee grounds for even one cup, Parks made the decision to get her caffeine at any cost, except for the $6 she would have had to pay for a large cup of Biggby crap. Parks arrived at the legendary and
cursed River Styx at approximately 6:50 a.m., where she realized she had left her purse at home.
had to do to get a cup of Joe around Hell. I don’t speak French, but I don’t think he was giving me directions.”
“I was like, ‘I’m too tired for this shit,’ and I flashed the ferryman. Boob is worth at least 3 obols, so he let me on for free.” Parks was able to ignore the thrashing and wailing of tortured souls in the river long enough for a fifteen minute snooze, after which Charon shook her awake and pointed her to the gates of Hell — a sight only the truly damned ever see.
The Damned’s screaming attracted a demon, who immediately stopped sodomizing an oil baron to investigate.
“I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to order coffee in Latin, but then I smelled Water Street Coffee. I mean, it’s not the best, but if I can get a cup for boob, I’m down. I still had to get to class, you know?”
The demon, which was reported to be a hideous, nine-foot-tall amalgamation of a lion, bat and lizard, roared at Parks and bared its whip, pointing back to the Phlegethon. When Parks didn’t climb back into the river, the infuriated demon cracked its whip by her feet.
Upon following the smell, Parks was disappointed to learn that it was only Phlegethon, the fabled river of fire and blood, and not a branch of Water Street. “I found a guy that looked almost intact and I asked him what a girl
“I also don’t speak Horror,” Parks said. “But using contextual clues, I gathered that it was upset with me. I asked it if it spoke English, and if so, did it know where I could get some coffee? It didn’t like that.”
“That made me mad,” Parks said, before reenacting how she caught the demon’s whip and pulled it down to the ground. “I grabbed its ear and started yelling, ‘Coffee! I need coffee! Where! Can! I! Get! Coffee! Sprecken
the English?’ It was not happy about that, but when it tried to scratch at me with its claws, I punched it in the vulva. I guess it respected that or something, because it rolled over on its back and put its tail between its legs.” Parks, having mastered the demon Aeshma, commanded it to take her to coffee. Unfortunately, “coffee” is synonymous with “boss” in Hell. So when she climbed onto the demon’s back, it flew her to the center of Hell, wherein the Great Lord Satan resided. Aeshma took Jessica Parks to a great palace made of bones and fear to meet the Prince of Lies. “I have to wonder if all demons are that stupid,” Parks reflected. “It was 7:30 in the morning. I was in a hurry. I had bags under my eyes the size of my mom’s purse. What in God’s--” Parks suddenly projectile vomited all over her living room, sending roommates Alisha Lee and Candace Smith screaming from the room, “-name did he think I wanted?”
“At this point, I had twenty minutes to get my coffee and get to class, so I just was not having it. I marched up to Lucifer and said, ‘Hey, Lucy. I don’t care what it takes. I need my caffeine so I can pretend to pay attention to Professor Sheffield, you feel me?’ He did feel me and summoned a pot of the most incredible-smelling coffee this nose has ever smelled, with pots of honey and every kind of cream you could ever dream of. He wrote up a receipt or something — I don’t know, it was in Latin. Aeshma gave me a mug and I shit you not, this coffee was the best coffee I have ever tasted in my entire goddamn life. Strong, but not bitter, you know? With the ephemeral mellifluousness of summer and the lingering sweet-
ness of a happy memory. Delicious. I downed that damn thing in ten seconds flat.” Upon the consecration of the Pact, Aeshma bore Parks on its back to Dunbar Hall for class, where she managed not only to pay attention to her professor, but to understand the deeper metaphors in The Seven Who Were Hanged that spoke the truth of Death. “10/10,” Parks said happily. “Would drink again! Though, is it weird that I haven’t slept since? It’s like I don’t even need to, you know?” “Way better than Biggby,” Parks decided as she carved a pentagram into the back of her hand.
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SATURDAY: After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
EVERYDAY! 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
HAPPY HOUR Mon.-Fri. 3-7 $2.50 Domestic Pints/Wells, $3.50 Micro Pints Red Wings Games $2.50 Molson & Labatt Lt Btls $3.50 TALL Labatt Drafts
TUESDAY: $1 Wells 1/2 off Red Bull Drinks $1 Pizza Slices JEREMY SPRAGUE AND D.J. KANE
18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
$5 Martinis 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$2.50 Wells $2.50 All Bottles $4 Johnny Vegas
$3 U-Call-It $5.99 Chicken and Perch Baskets
PBR Thursday! $7 60oz pitchers, $1.50 pints
$7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 Long Islands, Jacks, Jims $0.59 Boneless Wings
9 - Close: $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts $5 Double Premiums
$4 Margaritas 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$1 PBR and High Life Bottles, $4 Long Islands, $3.50 Fireball/Apple Pie Shots!
$1 Any Domestic Draft $2 Wells $4 Red Bull Vodkas $3 1 Topping Pizza (4-8) $5 1 Topping Pizza (8-midnight)
Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental
$2 16oz PBR & Rolling Rock Mugs $3.50 34oz Schooners
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
$4 Long Islands 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
$3 U-CALL IT 3-9pm 3-2-1 SATURDAYS 9pm-1am $3 Captain, Jack, Perl Vodka Flavors, $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts Pints $1 MOJO Shots
1/2 off Food and Drinks NOON-MIDNIGHT
Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental
$2 16oz PBR & Rolling Rock Mugs $3.50 34oz Schooners
Evening: $2 Well Drinks $4 Double Wells
$1.75 16oz PBR Cans, $4 Bloody Mary's 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
1/2 Off Food and Drinks (Noon - 11PM) $3 All Pints and $2.50 Wells (11PM - Close)
$5 Pitchers of Beer $0.35 Naked Wings, $0.40 Breaded Wings, $0.45 Boneless Wings $5 Bloody Mary bar, $6 for Top Shelf, $4 Mimosas
Service Industry Night (8 - close) 1/2 off drinks, 1/2 off apps
$3.50 Margaritas and Bloody Marys
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Premium Pints $2 Wells, $4.00 Dbl Wells Service Industry 1/2 Price on Everything w/ Pay Stub!
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College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.
$12 Domestic Tankers $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 Wells $0.79 Tenders
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints, $3 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Prem Pints $2.00 Well Drinks $4.00 Double Wells
Big Mug Night! 32oz Draft for 22oz Price 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.
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Ladies Night (6pm - close) $3 Cosmos, Appletinis, Absolut & Cranberry, $2 Glasses of Wine, $1 Games, $3 Microbrew pints
$4 34oz Domestic Schooners, $3.50 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $0.59 Buffalo Shrimp
Everyday: $2 16oz PBR Mugs, $3.50 34oz PBR and Rolling Rock Schooners, $1.75 Busch, Busch Light and Miller High Life Bottles
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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Celebrating Your 21st Birthday BY: ELIZABETH RAFFA It’s your 21st birthday. Finally, the day you can legally go out into the world and put a substantial amount of toxins into your bloodstream has legally come. Tonight’s the night, Bambi. You’ve made it to 21, the American milestone. A lot of pressure comes with once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, and there’s no exceptions with 21st birthdays. The sheer number of choices (where do I go? Who do I go with?) might seem overwhelming to some people. That’s why The Black Sheep decided to provide you with a set of scenarios, and their coinciding mornings after, to help you best determine how to spend your favorite birthday. The Bar Scene: You go to the bar with a few of your closest friends and let them pick your first drinks, then go crazy on the shots. Expensive? Who cares? It’s your birthday, why sweat a little splurge? And chances are the most loaded person you’re with will pay for half of your tab anyway. Drinks are one thing, but the bar is best for embarrassing yourself in front of attractive people who aren’t nearly
as drunk as you. This includes dancing, hitting on strangers, losing in pool, persuading the bouncer to twerk, and of course spilling the aforementioned drinks. Basically letting the world know you just turned 21, and not caring how many people actually hate you. How you’ll wake up: Naked with no wallet and some stranger in-between your sheets. It might be a problem if you don’t know who the person is, but it’ll be a worse problem if it’s someone you know. Whoops. 21st Birthday Sex: The only way to make this birthday sex extra special is to get it from that upperclassman who always leaves you for the bars. But now you’re 21, and can bring your balls into their court. Your chance to royally fuck up your life by having drunken unprotected sex with someone who doesn’t care about you sounds like a good idea, right? How many drinks did you have? How you’ll wake up: Oh no! Alone! No one tends to stick around after hooking up with a freshly-21-year-old wreck.
But at least you have one passion-filled, alcohol-driven night of bad decisions to always remember. If your brain can still process memories, that is. Apartment Party: You get to share your birthday with everybody! Minors, plants, animals, and kitchen utensils! You’ve just got to find other people to bring the beer, liquor, food, and pretend you’re going to pay for it. But before handing over any money you can just announce yourself as birthday king or queen. This way dozens of people will come over just to wish you a happy birthday, and no one will bother you for any scratch. They’ll say the sweetest things before they puke in your kitchen sink, then ask you to buy them booze the next morning. How you’ll wake up: With the worst hangover you’ve ever had; honestly, what did you expect? Those apartment crawlers can only afford the raunchiest kinds of drinks. You had fun, but regrettably, you’ve drank enough Burnett’s to keep you sick for a lifetime. Forget about the garbage all over your apartment,
vomit in the most inconspicuous places, and your pissed off roommates. But it was worth it, so who’s complaining? Monday Night Birthday: Unfortunately, you’ve been cursed by the calendar. Not everyone wants to go to the bar and get slammed on a Monday night, especially since you’ve got that chemistry exam Tuesday morning. But, you’ve waited so long for this! Surely your professor will understand what a monumental moment this is for you, so you treat this Monday like any other Thursday/Friday/Saturday.
How you’ll wake up: Without enough time to study for that exam, but hey, you’re 21 now and can just drink your failures away like the rest of us miserable wrecks. No matter what you do on your 21st birthday, always remember—this isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning. The next day’s hangover and self-loathing is what the 21st birthday milestone is all about, so if you don’t wake up the day after your 21st birthday with at least one regret, then you did something wrong.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Fine Art Favorite Drink: Colorado bulldog Favorite Shot: Oatmeal cookies Disgusting Drink: Piña colada What subculture are you secretly infatuated with?: India… is that an answer? Invent a holiday, what would it celebrate?: National Paint a Picture Day. Why do birds fall in love?: So they can fly together, around the world. Vaguely threaten your worst enemy: I’m better than you anyway. What element on the periodic table best describes you, and why?: Oxygen, because I breathe it. What’s the last lie you told?: That dark chocolate is good for me.
DANIELLE of SHAKESPEARE'S PUB
Are you always this insufferable?: Yes?
RECIPE for DISASTER
Deep Fried Oreos
Words are what make this world, even when they’re slurred. Without them, a hammer would literally not be a hammer, it’d be a…it’d be something else. Work on your wordplay, with beer!
It’s a few weeks into the new year, and you know damn well that this means that “get fit” resolution is knee-deep in assorted chocolates and sweets that your grandma purposely gave you just to totally screw you over. Luckily, deep frying is always the best answer for shameful weight frustration.
What You’ll Need: Beer, a creative mind. NO ACCOUNTING MAJORS ALLOWED. Number of Players: 2 Level of Intoxication: You’ll go from being a wordsmith to blowing them up into wordsmithereens. How to Play: -Begin by having one player say a 3-letter word. For example, “cat.” -The other player must then name another 3-letter word that begins with the last letter of the previous word. For example, “cat” becomes “tap.” -If a player names a word that both begins and ends with the last letter of the previous word, then the word expands by 1 letter. For example, if “cat” becomes “tot,” then the next word must be 4 letters long and begin with “t.” -This continues until one player cannot name a word of the appropriate length. -No shortened words (“tat” for “tattoo,” for example), abbreviations or proper nouns are allowed. -Words cannot be repeated. -Drink each time a player expands a word by a letter. -Drink each time someone tries to use a word that has already been said. -Drink each time a vulgarity is used. The Game Ends When: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Duh.
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What You’ll Need: A bag of Oreos, 2 cups of biscuit mix, 2 eggs, 1.5 cups of milk (whole milk, don’t be a pussy), 3 teaspoons of oil, and enough vegetable oil to deep fry a small animal. Cook Time: About 10 minutes Fatty Factor: See: “deep fried.” Let’s Get Baked: - Mash up that biscuit mix with the eggs, milk, and the 3 teaspoons of oil until it’s as smooth as your roommate’s reaction after walking in on him “exploring” himself. - Preheat your deep fryer/pan to about 375° Fahrenheit, or Celsius if you’re feeling a little adventurous.* - Put the Oreos in the batter and soak those suckers up until you can smell the impending dissatisfaction. - Carefully toss the Oreos into the deep fryer/pan. - Once the Oreos are brown on one side, flip them over so the other side gets some action. - Scoop out the Oreos once they’re fried/burnt to your liking and let them cool/drain on a paper towel before shovin’ them in your mouth. It’s probably best to prep this one before you go out for the night. The Black Sheep has only played with a deep fryer once, and that’s all we can really say legally. *Seriously, don’t do that. We think your face looks better when it doesn’t have searing, explosive grease all over it.
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS
THE CEREMONIES BY: BRENDAN
“We don’t tend to look at [The Ceremonies] as a band, but instead as
Do you have a sibling? Sure you do. Do you fight like two cats in a wet burlap sack? Duh. Well then, you’ll be shocked to know The Ceremonies—Matt, Michael and Mark—are brothers. In a band. And they’re all alive. That is, unless the fourth brother, Mitch, is buried somewhere. The California trio was nice enough to talk to us about their self-titled EP and upcoming tour, coming soon to a large metropolis near you.
The Black Sheep: How long have you three been playing music together? Matthew Cook: We began playing acoustically—not as an official band—at the start of high school. We were doing a lot of cover songs, playing for fun at local charities and gigs. We started playing officially—as a band—a couple of years later. TBS: Who proposed turning this into a real project? Matthew: I always had bands growing up, and my brothers Mark and Michael would fill in when we had absent band members. As they were finishing high school I was beginning college, and I had some songs written that I wanted to put together. All of a sudden it occurred to us that we had a band right in front of us, and we had never acted on it. TBS: So who decided the roles within the band? Matthew: Since I write the music, I know who is doing what from the get-go. I’ll think in my head, “Mike can do this, and Mark can do this,” but I also think about who can best do what on stage. We don’t have set parameters with who plays what. TBS: How would you describe yourself as a group? Matthew: Sonically, it’s a conglomeration of 80s Manchester new wave instrumentation and arrangement combined with a 60s traditional vocal harmonies with contemporary feel. That’s how we think of The Ceremonies sonically, but we don’t tend to look at it as a band, but instead as fine art. TBS: What do you mean it’s more fine art? Matthew: We think that the notion of a “band” is pigeonholing—that these are artists who sing and dance, it’s an act. It’s a limiting term. We’re more interested in concepts and carrying those out the best way we can. Music is our primary medium for that, but we definitely spend a lot of time painting and writing poems and making videos. The best comparison we can bring up is the Talking Heads and David Byrne. Stop Making Sense is a performance art piece. They integrate props to get your mind going. TBS: Having aspirations that just aren’t musical, how do you
deal with the business side of this? Matthew: We have control over our decisions. That’s something we really love about our labels, Atom Factory and Capitol, they let us make our decisions. For the most part we have a lot of freedom to carry out ideas as we see fit. TBS: How do you guys define success, then, as musicians? Matthew: The answer to that is changing daily. As artists we hope to affect as many people as we can. We hope to alter someone’s mindset, how to have a more open perspective and how to live more genuinely. Numbers on social media are the main medium bands have to see what their demographic is, so that’s what we look at. TBS: What was your creative approach to your self-titled EP, The Ceremonies? Matthew: The EP started with me writing a bunch of songs throughout high school and college—having these ideas in mind and maintaining this sense of childhood wonderment. I wanted to write music about finding sense of childhood within your inner adult. Then we met our producer Danny Garibay, brought him a bunch of those songs, and increased the production value. We decided which ones to put on the EP, and
put it together. TBS: You noted you’re the primary songwriter, but what does a discussion about creative decisions look like? Matthew: It’s been in the later stages. For example, with “Ballroom Bones” I had the demo recorded, and when we brought it to Danny we ended up adding a whole bunch of parts that became integral parts of the song. There’s a guitar line that became a big part of the song, and we decided on that together. Definitely there’s collaboration, but it happens later on. TBS: But how much change can happen when lyrics are a huge component to the tone of a song? Matthew: For sure, lyrics are important. For us, they’re at least 50% of the song—they hold the meaning. As an artistic collective that doesn’t want to be bound to the notion of just being a band, we hold a lot of our meaning in the song itself, which comes from the word. It’s interesting, though, a lot of people are selective listeners who listen more to the music than the words, and for those people there’s a process that has to be carried out where the atmosphere of the song has to match the lyrics. TBS: What goes into translating this live? Do you aim to have it be as close to the studio as you can, or do you want it to sound like the studio? Matthew: I think there are inevitable differences between the live sound and the recording. You have a lot more creative control with recording. We’re not interested in replicating the song on the record as much as we are creating a new experience live. It’s like, every time you read a book, you read it differently. It’s the same book you’re reading, but you paint different imagery in your mind. A song doesn’t have to be all new, but we like to pitch it in a new way. TBS: What’s your stage show like? Matthew: We’re going out on our second tour—this time with Glasvegas—from February to March. It’s not so much us trying to impress the audience as much as it is letting yourself get lost in the music. If you can do that, then the audience will feel like it’s musical theater or something—if you’re into it, the audience will feel it as well. TBS: Then what makes a good show or a bad show? Matthew: I guess just audience reaction. We’re really interested and committed to this idea of performing full-out. I’d rather sing a high note and have my voice crack than be too timid to go for the high note. We’re going for genuine emotion.
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Can you identify all the logos below? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you’ve identified them all correctly, you’ll win a prize!
the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by which name? 6) The only daying service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson.
what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?
DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000’s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of
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