The Black Sheep
Fr ee ... lik yo e th ur at la fe st el fin ing al af . te r
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 7 • 4/11/13 - 4/24/13
summer adventure on a budget Hannah Weyer wrote this Michigan has finally defrosted into something resembling spring (no, don’t look out your window. Don’t you trust us?) and we only have a couple precious weeks of it before the end of the semester thrusts summer in our faces. Why does that suck? Because soon, everyone you know will be asking you what your plans are for summer. You can’t tell them you‘re moving back home for a couple months, cleaning out your parents’ garage and getting a job at your uncle’s landscaping company. That sounds lame! They will laugh at you and judge your lameness! But what’s the alternative? Lie? No, you’re terrible at that. You’re going to have to have a summer adventure. “Summer adventure?” you ask all innocent, like you don’t know where this is going. “Gosh, I can’t afford meeting a stranger in an airport, catching the next plane out of town together, and pretending to be married to him to get a discount on that room in the Irish B&B right on the lake like a romantic comedy, even if he is Robert Pattinson and super rich.” Maybe not, but with some careful budgeting, you can have an adventure this summer to brag about come fall! Hitch a Lift Cost: Petty cash Hitchhiking isn’t just for axe murderers and buddy comedy flicks anymore. With a couple bucks, a backpack and a tolerance for sexual assault, you too can live the American dream! Have fun challenging other hitching friends to see who can get the farthest while being rape-murdered the least amount of times. And always, always, ALWAYS know where your towel is. Spread Freedom Cost: $14, some legal fees After finals, you feel so liberated you could just burst. Why isn’t the entire world free like you? Take a small step toward fixing the injustices of the world at the Detroit Zoo. Not even caged animals that don’t know any better should be trapped in Detroit. You’ll want to free the monkeys first -- they have opposable thumbs and if you teach them how to break out, they’ll be thrilled to help your crusade. BONUS: If you succeed, you’ll get to utter the sentence, “And then my elephant army annihilated our mutual foe.” Fall in Love Cost: Priceless Within certain legal parameters, it doesn’t really matter who you fall in love with -- or what. Imagine the fights you’ll have with your family about wanting to marry the neighbor’s melon garden after only dating for a month! But they’ll never understand true love, not like you! Like tragic heroes in a romantic movie, you’ll have to fight for your love. “Fine,” you’ll shout tearfully. “We’ll run away together and get married and start a family of little melon headed children!” Your parents will glare. “Stop,” they’ll say. “You cantaloupe.”
the week of the BODY DUMPSTER
Go Insane Cost: Free There are those who say adventure is merely a state of mind. Prove them right by thinking you’re a knight of the round table and slay a lake that thinks it’s a dragon. Nerd It Cost: Free, pizza/chips Worried about getting sun on your delicate, milky skin? The adventures of D&D were made for you. You can get free character sheets for you and your friends online, as well as adventure templates. And you don’t even need a dice set because nerds like you know how to use the randInt(1,20)function on your calculator, nerd! Blair Witch Hunting Cost: $40-$140 The whole upper half of the Mitten might as well be wilderness,
Top 10: Trivia That Could Save Your Life
Calories don't count on Finals Week. Everyone knows that.
Avoiding the lion's mane jellyfish could save your life, too.
and let’s not even start on the UP. It’s all empty woods and farms, so it’s ripe for abuse. If you have eight friends, statistically you have at least one stupidly gullible friend and one asshole friend that has it coming. Pick which one you want to make suffer, a couple other friends that are in on it and start driving. Whether you decide to bunk up in a burned down barn a few miles from the highway, or in a legal or illegal campground, when the sun goes down, your fun begins. Budget will go to gas, snacks and, for the truly dedicated, fake blood and other props. You only have a few summers left before adulthood takes breaks away for the rest of your miserable life. If you’re not spending this one doing something regrettable with someone regrettable somewhere regrettable, then by golly, you are a waste of joy and we do not care to know you, sir.
Finals week is one way street, my friend.
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A narcissist’s inability to stop talking about him or herself. “Carol’s diarrmea finally caught up to her when she accidentally told Lex about the time she pooped her pants in church. There was no second date.”
Home is Where the Hangover Hides
Sara Czarnecki wrote this
Now that the hazy memories of this school year are coming to a close, it’s time to take all your “Live, Laugh, Love” picture frames off the walls because your ass is moving home. Get your sense of privacy ready to be violated by nosy parents and little siblings as you unpack your clothes and put them back into your childhood dresser. Say a tearful goodbye to the high life (literally), and also to the long line of drunk floozies from the bar that you can’t bring under your mother’s roof. In the beginning, moving home sounds great, you need to detox anyway. But soon after you sober up, you realize that everyone in your hometown thinks you’re an alcoholic. A highfunctioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless. Pregaming the local watering hole with shots of hard whiskey in your parents’ kitchen is met with concern and judgment. Parents don’t understand the idea of pregaming, and why should they? Their college years were filled with harder drugs that needed no occasion. Living at home makes it nearly impossible to live the way you used to live at school. At school, you wake up Sunday morning with some random next to you and you have to try to piece together that mess. As all the pieces of that fall into place, you group up again with your friends to discuss the intense hangovers you’re all going through and compare bar tabs to see who won. After everything that needs to be said about the night before is said, you all hit up Wendy’s, since it is two in the afternoon and the only place still serving breakfast is all the way across town. Not a chance in hell your parents are down with that entire situation. Once 8 a.m. rolls around, mom is coming into your bedroom, whether you’re rocking a woody or not, demanding you get a job. But little does she know that people who know what 8 a.m. looks like don’t hire anyone that smells of the home-town dive bar and can’t hide the sloppy hickey from a 40-year-old MILF that had one too many Smirnoffs Ices.
And God forbid we lay around all day eating the all the food our parents only bought yesterday. Parents don’t understand that when we move home, hell yeah we’re going to eat them out of house and home, because we buy our food from the dollar store. It wouldn’t happen if they bought the shit we normally eat. We don’t want to eat dollar store Cheez-Mitz, we have to. We have to save all the actual money to feed our drinking problem. Why do you think we have a job, parents? So if you have real meat, real milk, real, honest to God name brand Cheez-Its, DIBS. From swearing like a drunken sailor to waking up so hungover, naked, and disoriented after drinking with your old cheerleading coach at the karaoke bar that you truly don’t understand how you’re at your parents’ house or who pissed your bed, you’re in it. You think hiding your adorable little water bottle of diluted cheap vodka was hard in high school? HA. Welcome to the Boss Level.
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The Week Of The Body Dumpster
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Sara Czarnecki wrote this
What's the weirdest thing you've seen at the beach?
Ugh, finals. The only thing that can kill a buzz faster than that brown-nosing girl who asks a “So…” question just as the professor is releasing the class early. We have been conditioned to think that finals will make or break us. “Jesus, take my pencil,” you’ll be tempted to scream for the thirtieth time. Because it’s not in your hands anymore -- it’s in fate’s hands, and you don’t trust that crazy biotch.
"There was a guy in an American flag speedo jammin’ out to a Walkman in Los Angeles." - Algelica, Grad Student
Truth is, finals won’t make or break anyone. Dude, it’s just a group of tests to determine how well you can cram a lot of useless information into your brain. Your goal is not to prove yourself worthy of your higher education. Your goal is to pass, and when you get a solid BA, your goal is to brag to everyone how good of a bullshitter you are. Unless you’re one of those smart guys we keep hearing about. Go to hell, smart guy. The days leading up to finals week are when life completely changes and you begin to take on the soul and aroma of a sunbaked dumpster. This is normal. Don’t be afraid. Instead of calmly studying with the TV on in the background, studying becomes something built only off of the power of Red Bulls and a disgusting amount of candy. Stocking up on the Red Bull and sugary treats has become a tradition. There is no shame walking into the Den and knowing that you’re about to drop your usual weekly bar money on peecolored energy drinks and Twizzlers. No thanks on the receipt, kind Den worker; no one needs to remind themselves they once spent $40 on Monster. We would almost rather tell our parents we bought booze. Energy drinks are the way of life for these next few days, and that means middle of the night hallucinations and anxiety attacks. Is that your heart beat, or is the drum line practicing? If your heart does in fact beat so hard that it explodes out of your chest cavity like a phallic alien, consider some water. Oh yeah, water is that clear stuff that you use to replenish yourself after a workout, and to clean the stank off your body at night. What’s that, you don’t know what a shower is either? It’s going to be a long week. Showers are underestimated. They're refreshing after a long night of boozing
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“This creepy guy kept walking around to every one and wiping his hand on every one’s face.” - Kelly, Senior and regrettable decisions. They help you find another person to roll around with under the covers. Showers are bros. Yet, in stressful situations, they’re the first to go -- “Shower? No, I can’t, I’m too hungover.” You puked on yourself, we recommend a shower. All the time used creeping on your own Facebook could have easily translated into a shower. You smell like a dead lizard got into a fight with a cat fart, and it’s only Wednesday. Shut it down! Nutrition is also out the window. We power our bodies with Red Vines, Twinkies, and tons of sugar-packed delivery. During finals week, iPhones everywhere are set to remind their owner to eat. Eating is a simple task, but when you’re four Red Bulls deep, a sandwich may as well be the square root of -1. What’s even more embarrassing is having a conversation with your dad, and you accidentally let slip that you haven’t consumed any real food in days. But this is an important part of the study process.
Nothing has proven to be more effective at improving study skills than having loved ones tell you how stupid you are for eating like an idiot. As the week wraps up and the site of a number two pencil makes you sob uncontrollably, it’s time to pretend you didn’t just live like a cracked-out Oscar the Grouch for roughly a week and a half. Time to scrub off the make-up you applied over a week ago and put a fresh mask on. Slowly start to eat healthy again -- if you try to jump right on the healthy food kick, you’re going fail. Your body wants sugar, and by the kilo. Fight it, fight it all the way to hell. Cravings are killer, but remember that six pounds you put on thanks to Campus Wok aren’t going to disappear. And lastly, remember they’re only finals. It’s not the end of the world if you fail them all, get kicked out of school, and have to move back in with the folks who dropped $25,000 on the bet that you’d grow up to be a successful adult.
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Trivia that could save your life
10.) Custard is a non-Newtonian liquid: You’re touring a custard factory with your eccentric father and bored family. Suddenly, a mechanical failure blows up the enormous vats of custard. The bottom level is flooded and the roof is on fire from the explosion. How do you escape across the sea of delicious lemon custard to safety? Don’t swim - RUN. 9.) Batophobia is the fear of tall buildings: Not bats. Tell the leader of your adventure group you’re chiroptophobic to avoid the sort of misunderstanding that results in a heart attack. 8.) The longest animal in the world is the Lion’s Mane Jellyfish: Its tentacles can grow up to 120 feet long. That’s way longer than that blue whale you befriended specifically to fight evil in the ocean. Don’t fight evil in the ocean.
it's the Finals Countdown Hillary Sussman wrote this Finals feel like a hurricane of paperwork is swirling around his room, while a dog is barking somewhere in the distance and someone is scraping their fingernails on a chalkboard while kicking him repeatedly in the mind-nards. Needless to say, we could all use a few tips on how to get through this rough time and find our way out of this labyrinth of a semester in time for summer. So how do you reverse the months of hard work you spent slacking off? You don’t. We’re not genies. If you want to go back in time, call up Mark Duplass and ask him to build you a time machine. If you want advice on how to do well on your finals and pass your classes right in the nick of time, then read on. Avoid Distractions: Your dad just gave you the HBO Go password and Netflix calls your name like an overly clingy girlfriend, but you must resist these siren songs. Turn off the cell phone. Have a friend change your Facebook password for the week. While on the topic of distractions, we must bring up the dreaded “studying with friends” lie we tell ourselves. Save the nerds that make flashcards for fun, no friends have ever gotten anywhere by studying together. That’s why you are friends. You have better things to talk about than study guides and the Item Response Theory. Trust us. Turn off the electronics and be a hermit for the week. It won’t kill you. Don’t Stay Up Late: Yes, we are in our late teens or early twenties and we think we’re invincible, but even Achilles had a bad heel, and ours is sleep. Cramming a few extra hours of information in the night before a test might seem like a good idea at the time, but it’s not worth it. You’ll be too tired while taking the test to remember
the things you stuffed in your brain two hours ago. Plus you’ll have to deal with that annoying girl in class looks pityingly at the circles under your eyes and says, “Aw, you look tired.” Well, you know what, Janet? At least our birth certificate isn’t an apology letter from the condom factory. Quiz Yourself: Practice does make perfect and repetition is one of the main ways our brain picks up new information. Seriously guys, remember all those practice ACT tests they made us take in high school? Oh my God, remember the MEAP?! You’ll never know how much you’ve retained by studying until you test yourself. It’s science, guys. Don’t argue with science. Treat Yo’ Self: Parks and Recreation has the right idea. You can study, study, study, pull your hair out, and pop blood vessels in your eyeballs, but at the end of the day, humans are still animals. We need to be rewarded for our hard work. Think of a puppy getting a treat for pooping in the right place at the right time. We are that puppy, the poop is studying, and the time and place is finals week. Every couple hours of studying, take a chocolate break. You managed to memorize 50 flashcards, go get a massage at Sindecuse. Reward and recognition for hard work serve as the perfect incentive. Finals week is dark and full of terrors, but hopefully our little guide propels you through this dreaded month all the way to summertime. Soon enough you’ll be lying on the beach, sipping Summer Shandy, and turning into a bronze god/ goddess. Until then, keep your head down, your nose in those books and we might just make it out of April alive.
7.) The muscles that open a crocodile’s mouth are weak: Your boyfriend has fallen out of the boat in the Everglades and there’s a crocodile coming right for him. Take out your hair tie, jump on that reptile’s back and trick it into biting a stick. Slip the hair tie over its snout and GTFO. 6.) Nicotine destroys elastin in your body, giving smokers saggier skin and breasts over time: Unless you think those crazy saxophone playin’ raisins look sexy, this is yet another reason to quit that cancer stick now before it’s too late! Then pick up another oral fixation, like playing the saxophone! 5.) Doors in Churchill, Canada are unlocked: Polar bears are such a problem in Manitoba that residents in Churchill leave their cars and houses unlocked in case they need to make a quick escape. Those dang polar bears, always breaking into houses and stealing everyone’s Coke. 4. ) Dolphins are notorious sexual deviants and are capable of cruelty: Rape, interspecies rape, baby murder, interspecies baby murder, bullying, interspecies bullying -- dolphins are fucking dicks. Do not trust them, because they will betray you and rape you with their prehensile dolphin penises. 3.) The first whoopee cushion was invented by Roman Emperor Elagabalus in the 200s BCE: He used it frequently on guests. He was assassinated when he was 18. Moral? Don’t overuse whoopee cushions, or you will die a deserved death. 2.) Wendy’s policy is to feed the desperate: If you’re hungry, lost, and broke, find a Wendy’s. It’s Wendy’s Law to provide a free meal to anyone that says they’re from out of state, lost and don’t have any money. 1.) White roofs lower the temperature of a city: By reflecting more sunlight than they absorb, white roofs and pavement, while tacky as all hell, can lower the total temperature of the city they’re in, thereby using less energy to cool it in the summer. If everyone just agrees to ignore how weird it looks, white roofs can make a marked difference on climate change, saving untold lives lost in The Day After Tomorrow.
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finals destination Holly Carlson wrote this Finals week. Freshmen— you have yet to experience any of this. Maybe you won't even experience this semester's finals week. But it will come. We promise you, it will come. Maybe not now, maybe not next semester, but soon. That one finals week that tops all the other "finals" weeks you've ever known. The finals week that beats all the other finals weeks with a tire iron and leaves them unconscious in the bushes. It begins early; first, you realize that you've signed up for eighteen credits this semester. You'll say, "Well, I did fifteen last semester and got by, so how much worse could those three extra credits be?" Of course, the first few weeks are a breeze. They (almost) always are. "I was right!" you say to your foolish self, "This is easy! I’m going to own these classes!” Suddenly, the work starts piling up. You find yourself casually searching for the drop dates, just in case. Then all of your classes begin to get easier as you hit your stride in balancing homework, a social life, and a job. You think you're fine. Keyword here: think.
you're getting sick, and so you put off doing any work until three days before. Congratulations! You've successfully signed yourself up for an all-night study session! How thrilling!
As drop dates continue to approach, the work stays steady. Then, when you are casually looking over your syllabuses (Syllabi? Syllabees? Syllables?), you notice you have THREE TEN PAGE PAPERS DUE NEXT WEEK. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. After you regain consciousness and after the following panic attack, you race to assemble all the materials you will need for your writing. Books, essays, journals, notes, PowerPoints, and all of the bazillion references your work requires, as well as the ways to properly format them, because honestly, who remembers? You are buried so deeply in your work that you don't even know the day, let alone the date. Night and day blend into one mass of time, sleep, and writing. The drop deadlines come and go with nary a glance from you. Now you are trapped.
After you stumble out of the last exam, exhausted and probably hungry, you exist in a comalike state for a week or so until your brain hemorrhages scab over. You miss all the end-ofthe-year celebrations, all the drunken shenanigans, and it still takes another week before it dawns on you— you've beaten finals week, and the whole point of beating finals week was to get to summer vacation. To beaches, bars, picnics, and festivals. To late nights, sunshine, and warm weather. And the best part? There is no homework for summer. Summer doesn’t give you assignments, does not expect you to write papers, and does not ask for your name, class section, and date at the top of your paper. Summer is what we work toward all year.
You have to pull a few all-nighters, but you get everything in on time. That's when you realize what you've done. You've bound yourself on a path to the most hellish exam week you've ever faced. At this point, finals are still a week away. Great, just enough time to study! But now your brain is burnt to the point that you can't even look at a book without feeling dizzy. You're tired,
So remember, even though you may have to push yourself to your limits, even though you may have no less than three crying fits in the library, and even though you may get fat from eating campus pizza all the time, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All you need to remember is that one word—summer.
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are you smarter than?
Eric, Pat and Dennis, East Egg servers 1) Food: Horatio Nelson is the first and middle name of this cartoon cereal mascot. __________________________________________________
6) Math: Finish this sentence: "The multiplication of two negative integers always results in a..." __________________________________________________
2) Movies: In Citizen Kane, what is Rosebud? __________________________________________________
7) Clothing: Germans Adi and Rudolf Dassler, brothers, each founded a famous shoe company. Name one of them. __________________________________________________
3) Sports: Final Four school Wichita State is located in this state. __________________________________________________ 4) Geography: This island country is located off the southeast tip of India. __________________________________________________ 5) Language: What is the pair of dots often found above vowels of various languages? __________________________________________________
9) Technology: How many generations of iPad have been released? __________________________________________________ 10) Comics: Rorschach, the Silk Spectre, Nite Owl, and Dr. Manhattan are all featured players in this criticallyacclaimed book. __________________________________________________
1) Cap'n Crunch 2) Sled 3) Kansas 4) Sri Lanka 5) Umlaut 6) Positive Integer 7) Adidas or Puma 8) S-E-R-I-A S-O-N-E-U-B 9) 4 10) Watchmen
8) SPELLING: Spell "Buenos Aires" backwards. __________________________________________________
the drinking game:
their answers 1) It's not Tony the Tiger. Wait, is it Tony? Is it Captain Crunch? 2) The sled. 3) Kansas 4) Maldives?
5) Umlaut 6) Positive 7) Adidas and Puma 8) SER...EASOEUB 9) 4 10) WATCHMEN!
their score: 8/10 correct
recipe for disaster:
The Egyptians had a long history of drinking beer, the Aztecs too. Yes, these great civilizations just loved cracking open a cold one after a hard day erecting awe-inspiring feats of engineering. Now it’s time to include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light!
Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna.
What You’ll Need: Some empties, some fullies, a fair amount of coordination. Number of Players: 3-6 Level of Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in Egypt. How to Play: - Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. - Moving clockwise, each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right or left of the full beer can. - The bottom row of cans can only be six cans wide. - Once at least two beer cans are placed on the bottom row, players may begin building up, creating the classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. - Players continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. - No player may place one can directly on top of another can, unless the all six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking single beers on top of one another. - The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid. The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy.
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What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down. Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.
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A Few Major Plot Points: The first season in the office gives a six-episode glimpse into Michael Scott’s uncomfortable weirdness, Jim’s crush on Pam (though she’s engaged to Roy), and the potential shutdown of the Dunder Mifflin branch. Which Makes the Audience Think: “What a weird, insular world these people live in.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: It’s the first day, and the too-cool-for-school 40-year-old giving you a tour of the office uses words like “brews” and “babes” to feel out your life outside of work. After he gets alltoo-excited showing you the IKEA-grade twirly chair you’ll call home this summer, he sheepishly asks you to help him remove some malware from his computer, but asks you be discreet about it; he can’t get caught browsing porn in the workplace, again. Over an Arby’s lunch in the break room you learn Tim has a crush on Sarah, but Sarah likes Peter. Though you thought such grade school antics would be left on the urine-soaked spiral slide on which you lost your virginity, you soon realize that most workplaces are little more than nine-to-five corrals for people with serious issues under very thin skin.
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar is outed as a homosexual, Dwight takes Ryan out to Schrute Farms for an initiation with Mose, the Dunder Mifflin staff goes to Kelly’s Diwali celebration, and many attend Phyllis’ wedding. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Wait, so these people do have lives outside of the office.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Sure, in the office the employees may seem like pathetic drones just checking off boxes until they end up six feet under, but outside of the office... they’re even more pathetic. Becky – who certainly has a crush on you – invited you to a family cookout that featured hockey puck hamburgers and a screaming match with her dad, highlighted with, “Well, if you don’t want to pay for another abortion, it looks like I’ll have to get [you] to kick your ass!” After hightailing it out of there you decide to meet up with Sarah, the other intern they hired this summer, just to see if her outlook is as jaded as your own. It isn’t. As she tells you her twenty-year plan that involved crawling up the corporate ladder one hard-fought rung at a time, only to quit at the peak of her middle management powers to have two kids, you begin wondering why gun laws aren’t more lax in the United States.
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael hosts the Dundies, an award ceremony for the employees. Relationships rise and fall as Michael and his boss Jan secretly date, and Roy sets a wedding date on a company-funded booze cruise. Which Makes the Audience Think: “At the end of the day we’re all bags of meat trying to survive another day.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: After sitting through a grueling four-hour motivational speaker who tries to inspire staff with empty pablum like, “It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; it only matters where you’re going,” and “If you’re not moving towards your goals, you’re moving away from your goals,” everyone breaks for the nearest strip mall restaurant that sells liquor. Six drinks and a lot of group venting later, it’s just you and Tim alternately shooting the shit and shooting whisky. He tells you about his big plans to move to the city to escape his love for Sarah, but the lack of conviction in his voice betrays how trapped he realizes he is. When he’s in the bathroom you whisper into your phone, “Siri, note that I shouldn’t ever be as pathetic as Tim.” She responds with, “Then why did you take this internship you unambitious piece of shit?”
A Few Major Plot Points: After Karen leaves and breaks up with him, Jim becomes the regional manager of the Scranton branch, and begins dating Pam. Toby moves to Costa Rica after confessing his love for Pam, and is replaced by Holly Flax, who shows affection for Michael. Despite being in a loving relationship with Jim, Pam moves to New York for a three-month stint at art school. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s important to look up from your daily grind, stop, and shake things up.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: All your friends are either working internships that fall in line with their future careers, or living off daddy’s money doing a summer-long, music fest bender. You come into the office to sit under sterile lighting and get mixed up in meaningless peoples’ lives for what, $10 and hour? Another bullet point on your resume? You’ll spend all that money within three weeks of fall semester, and the only “skill” you’re gaining here is “coordinated with management” and “became fluent in Microsoft Office.” Your other co-workers seem to be escaping this sinking ship, and you should too.
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam become engaged, and Pam moves back to Scranton where the two buy Jim’s parents’ house. Michael attempts a romance with Holly, but she’s transferred to another branch. Michael hates the new vice president of Dunder Mifflin and decides to start the Michael Scott Paper Company, but it is immediately bought out by Dunder Mifflin. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s best to ignore what ails you, buckle down, and get back in line.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Things are finally starting to get a little interesting, the two people you kind of like are around on a regular basis, and your boss isn’t so awkwardly focused on making you feel at home. Instead he’s got his eye on the new HR lady, who’s actually kind of hot. Once you get to really know these people, you start to care for them. And when you start to care for them, you become interested in the tiniest aspects of their day-to-day interactions. Plus you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and your beloved co-workers actually rely on you! You’re a special, and important part of this organization, to leave now would be a downright mean thing to do.
Season 9 Season 7
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael Scott asks for Holly’s hand in marriage and the two move to Colorado. More relationships change. Michael’s first replacement is seriously injured, leading Jo, the CEO of Sabre, to create a search committee to interview candidates to manage the office. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This whole thing’s but a walking shadow, full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’ve tuned out. Your kind-of-endearing but increasingly-annoying manager has moved on after dedicating 20 years of his heart and soul to the company. Everyone is caught up in the same drivel that blinds them from the truth: they’re living horrifyingly bland lives. He likes her, she likes someone else, and the no one likes the new manager. Whatever, you’re almost out. Two more weeks and you’ll continue your education, trying ever harder to ensure you never get caught staring into the cold, unforgiving glow of a computer screen for hours on end. All these things happen around you, but like a dead cat carcass in the bottom of a river, you let it all pass over you. The only thing that keeps you coming back is some unknown universal force of attachment to the place, and another brick in the ol’ resume.
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar considers adopting Angela’s cat, Kevin gets a turtle, Dwight teaches Erin Dothraki, an acapella group shows up, Pam gives people lice, and there’s a paper airplane contest. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Love, loss, heartbreak, sadness, despair, the summer of 2013 has been a death march started on the happy shores of Memorial Day, and only precious few will make it to the deep-jungle internment camp just past Labor Day. The oppressive early-August humidity coupled with emotional burnout caused by high staff turnover, little time off, and policy changes leaves staffers with thousand-yard stares. Yancy is killing time counting watercooler bubbles, and Fran just keeps Xeroxing the same blank sheet of paper over and over again. Everyone just wants the summer to be over with, most of all, you. As you thumb through party pics from the previous spring on your iPhone, you find yourself compelled to walk out the door. As you exit the building you rip off your tie and slacks, as the cool, moist air rushes over your naked body. Freeeeeeeedom! You’ll never work a white-collar job again.
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam have a baby, while other relationships bud or falter, keeping the dying show on life support. At Christmas it’s announced that Dunder Mifflin will be bought out by Sabre Corporation, a printer company. Many executives are let go and other branches closed, but the Scranton office prevails yet again. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This monotony is inescapable. It goes on and on and on, the same thing over and over again until we die.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Turns out a larger company is buying the shitty company you work for, so hey, maybe you’ll have more connections coming out of this thing than a letter of recommendation from Randy, the guy who feeds and waters his jar of pennies in the back. Yes, it could also mean the branch you work for might close, but that’s fine because you’ve been wanting to get out of here and away from all the weird inter-office fucking that goes on. But just when you start to see the light, a sickening change in upper management sets you right back in line. Coming in every day, watching the same dead-eyed people have meaningless bouts of awkward conversation, and incessantly churning out whatever product you produce for the insatiable capitalist machine.
A Few Major Plot Points: Robert California helms Dunder Mifflin/Sabre, Andy takes over as Regional Manager, mad people be pregnant, and Andy quits. Which Makes the Audience Think: “The new sheriff in town will force these people back in line, unless he’s as insane as the rest of them.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’re hoping this new manager will come in, lay down the law, and make these last few weeks turn to the normalcy you expected when you signed up for this gig. No dice. Instead, he’s even zanier than the last guy. He puts Mark “I threw a mini fridge down the elevator shaft when I wasn’t granted the vacation days I wanted” Miller in charge of your department; sure it’s quieter, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Every day a very pregnant Katelyn quietly cries a few cubicles over. You wish you could join her in sobbing, but that would mean the stale fluorescent bulbs hadn’t sapped you of every last emotion you’ve ever had. A lecture hall never sounded more promising.
Summer Fashion Corner Hannah Weyer wrote this
School style is over as of finals week. Thanks to three gallons of Red Bull and enough Twizzlers, cold pizza, and cold Twizzlers pizza to give your grandchildren a heart attack, you’ll be lucky if you remember to change your terror-sweat-stained pajamas before class. Lucky for you, everyone else in your life will be tripping balls on a deadly cocktail of insomnia, caffeine pills and poor nutrition, and the only judging they’ll be doing is “Dude, your tusks are too sparkly. Turn down the green.” For finals week, you are off the hook for fashion. That’s why it’s so important that you understand this now, before you get too comfortable sitting in your room in a sports bra and dirty underwear, eating unwashed handfuls of popcorn as you try to memorize Ukraine’s national history post-Soviet collapse: It won’t last. Brace yourselves, ladies. Summer is coming. Post-Finals: It’s natural to resist fashion the first week after finals. But you have to understand, finals week is an anomaly. It’s not normal for people to lock themselves in a dark room and forget to shower every night for a week and a half. That is not how human beings behave. Until you’ve fully adjusted to the real world again, it’s okay to take baby steps back into civilization. Replace your dirty Panic! At the Disco tee with a freshly-laundered tank top. Replace your unwashed sweatpants with your old, comfy jeans. Start wearing a bra again. Remember how it was in the Before-Time. Remember. Summer Casual: Now that you’ve eased your way back into people clothes, we can talk fashion. The importance of dressing for the body you have has never been more important than in summer. If you’re made of bones and skin, wear tighter clothes- an oversized ensemble will make you look like a very tall child. If you’re made of meat and boobs, step away from the short shorts, sweetie. If
you’re made of equal parts human and hair, either swear off revealing clothes or find a close friend and some wax. Opt for bright, happy summer colors, and don’t think twice about experimenting with pairing fun-colored solids with each other. An easy and beautiful way to bring out the best in your summer wardrobe is a healthy assortment of brightly colored chunky bracelets and necklaces made of either beads or knots. Check Pinterest for your own DIY jewelry! The Beach: More aptly called “the bitch,” the beach is the looming specter that you dreamed of miserably the nights after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Christmas Leftovers Day, January 3rd (when you broke your first resolution), Valentine’s Day, all those times you cheated on Lent, Passover, Easter and each of your finals binges. But the fight is over now. Whatever your body looks like now, that’s how you’re going to the bitch, and whether you’ve hit your goal body or put on twenty pounds since last summer, you can breathe a sigh of relief at knowing it’s over now -- now, you only have to dress your bitch body in something suitable. Again, the importance of doing right by your body type cannot be overstated. Figure out your assets and your flaws. Legendary chest meat, but thick in the waist? Wear a dark, low cut one piece. Thin but no boobs? Meet frilly bandeau bikini, your new best friend. Woman trapped in a man’s body? Control briefs and practice. Studies show that The Black Sheep readers are 38% more attractive than their lame counterparts, so this summer isn’t a matter of if you’re beautiful, but how best to wear your beauty. Our best advice is to wear it with confidence. Unless you’re a Cthulhu. If you’re a Cthulhu, try crippling self-loathing instead, and go sulk in R’lyeh for a few more millennia.
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the crossword: candies
Across 1) People collect these dispensers 2) Most popular type of gummi 4) “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” 7) Extremely sour candy that was a hit in middle school 11) It’s supposedly everlasting 12) Lil' Wayne wanted to lick you like one of these 15) A chew named after this 1920s dance 16) You can’t really use this candy for support, gramps 18) This candy is found on a strip of paper 20) A classic novel, with three of these DOWN 1) Little marshmallow chicks 3) Kids crushed these and snorted them, stupidly 5) Popular Easter chocolate egg
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6) Individually wrapped chewy candy, originally known as Opal Fruits 8) Also the name of a Burger King staple 9) Pennsylvania town and huge chocolate manufacturer 10) A notoriously fancy chocolate company 11) M&M’s seductive mascot is this color 13) Bart Simpson was the face of this in the 90s 14) Peanut butter cup brand with over 21 variations 17) This mint had a whole Seinfeld episode 19) Caramel and cookie covered in milk chocolate
find the differences
there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Got Engaged At: - WNBA Game - DIxie Chicks concert - ASPCA convention - Google Meetup
Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Ke$ha - Miley Cyrus - Lindsay Lohan - Paris Hilton
Honeymoon Adventure: - Jet skiing in glitter unitards - Cleaning your aunt’s house - Visiting a Westboro protest - Trick-or-treating in June
Best Man: - Tom Haverford - Tommy Lee Jones - Tom Petty - Thom Yorke
First Dance: - “Pony” by Ginuwine - “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliot - “Waterfalls” by TLC - “Gimme Some More” by Busta Rhymes
Matching Body Modification: - Horns in forehead - Ears gauged in a heart shape - Corset up the neck - Bill Clinton tattoo on the chest
Maid of Honor: - Lisa Simpson - Lisa Loeb - Lisa Kudrow - Lisa Lampanelli
Wedding souvenir: - Defective condoms - $10 McDonald’s gift card - Homemade Peep-infused vodka - Soluja Boy “Crank That” CD Single
Highlight of Married Life: - Properly breeding poodles - Threesome with Katie Couric - Flying first class to Houston - Growing lettuce successfully
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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