The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 7 11/15/12 - 11/29/12
ser F mo REE ns ... L th ike at th gu e c y g ra ive zy s i rel n th igio e C us om pa ss !
“Joys” of Thanksgiving Break J.T Stockton wrote this
Sure, your parents seem excited to have you home for a week. Sure, your younger sibling seems to be overjoyed at the thought of arguing with you again, just like old times. And sure, you respond with an equally overenthusiastic look of bliss. But deep down, the mutual feelings of disgust and inconvenience rests on everyone’s stomach bile like a pile of cow dung on a muddy plain. We don’t want to hate our families, but we hate our families. Thanksgiving is just an excuse to eat our loathsome feelings away and repress our violently un-cheerful thoughts. Of course, everyone loves a good break from the horrors of classroom life, but at what cost? At least at school we have the option of checking out of reality. But at home we’re constantly bombarded by relatives wanting to know everything about our mundane existences. We are constantly having to “get it together” in order to come off as some sane, educated collegiate to show all that money isn’t just going to late night munchies and cases of PBR. Coming back from college, relatives expect us to talk intellectually – something not done in the wee hours after a drinking binge. We can’t casually bring up the time we shit on the walls of the dorm bathrooms “just for kicks,” we have to pretend like we care about Aunt Hairy Upper Lip and her infected big toe. Half of our talking points are thrown out the window because they involve sex and/or drugs, the other half is just “I was in the library for a long time.” Boring, let’s just eat in silence and watch football. Don’t ask about our future plans, because that is just a slippery slope to talking about the economy, then grandma asking if a communist is still running the country.
people who know everything about us and its pregnant ex-girlfriends. There’s only one reason come home, and that reason is to squeeze money out of our blindly optimistic relatives.
As we drag our feet through our old stomping grounds for a week, we have the opportunity to be reacquainted with high school friends, only to realize we have to get reacquainted with them because we despise these people. Soon after realizing how far apart we’ve grown from our high school pals, we realize we hate this place with every fiber of our bodies. We couldn’t wait to get as far away as possible from this little corner of the world, with its
There’s another side to the coin as well - we may hate coming home, but our parents despise it just as much. They were just getting comfortable, having a little bit more peace and quiet around the house, and getting used to not having to worry about our drunken, depressing asses bursting into the house at 3 a.m. complaining about our old friends and this stupid town. It’s a mutual annoyance for all parties: we love our family but once were out of the
How to Fix Heartbreak over the Holidays
Raise Grades, Lower Rent, Here’s How
You know what sucks? Relationships. You know what doesn’t? Presents.
And no, it does not involve “working harder” or “living sensibly”.
house, it’s best to just stay the hell out. If there is anything about coming home from break, it’s that it makes us appreciate the independence and freeflowing booze of campus. That, and being surrounded by young people. We forget what it’s like to see old people everywhere, until we go home. Don’t expect anything fantastic out of Thanksgiving break this year, and you won’t be disappointed. So take this break for what it’s worth: free food, free sleep, and maybe, just maybe, some free money.
Decoding the Drinks: What Does Your Drink Say About You?
This shot of Everclear says, “I hate my stomach”
contents page 4: Thanksgiving in 3000: Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanksgiving isn’t only about turkey; it’s about racism and family drama. Thanks, pilgrims!.
page 7: from the streets if you could be a superhero who would you be?
page 10: Turkey Time What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?
page 13: How To: Turkey Bowl Make sure you’re in top shape to shut up Uncle Mike this year.
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
“The One Day a Year When Your Mom Isn’t Your Mom Anymore.”
How come no one believes this is my uniform and I’m back from duty? (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)
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Rearward Job Sent
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Fecal Seems Jest last week’s answers
Kristen Bell & Jared Leto
word of the week Lamerick:
A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”
Thanksgiving in 3000:
Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday TBS STAFF wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol. One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, PresidentKing-and-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip effectively putting a whole new spin on the word “stuffing.” Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three-years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Lions should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.
In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough. Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a Muslim president re-elected.
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How to Fix Heart Break Over the Holidays Nick Wright wrote this
College is a time of many firsts - whether it is your first time smoking weed, your first time getting super drunk, or your first sexual experience in a McDonald’s bathroom. One first many of us go through, one that is especially hard, is your first “real” breakup. When you’re in college and in love you have to think about if it’s really worth it - is it worth committing yourself to one person or should you be single and commit yourself to 20 people? It’s a tough decision, we know, but for anyone that is going through a break up, The Black Sheep has a guide to survive the holidays as a single person! So say you were in a two year relationship, they were your first love, you lost everything to them and created all of these amazing memories, became close with their families, and all of that nonsense. You guys break up because of distance, or stress, or that fact that she is a GOOD FOR NOTHING WHORE and you don’t know how to act as a solo human being. Now Thanksgiving is around the corner and you will have family and friends to whom you can sob uncontrollably. Now that you’re single, you don’t really have to try anymore, so go ahead and help yourself to some extra turkey and potatoes. Another underrated plus: you can sleep alone now! No more stressing over whether or not you have morning breath (you do, just accept it) or if you’re
hogging the blankets, or if you snore. All that and you get all of the pillows. And no pressure to make breakfast or look them in the eyes when you wake up! So suck it up, drink a lot and enjoy yourself! You have nothing to worry about! So you make it through Thanksgiving, you cry a little bit (but not too much) but ultimately you make it through. You’re pretty much on emotional cruise control through exams but it’s all good, you just put your nose to the grindstone and hammer that shit out. When you’re done with exams, you get to go back home for the holidays! Sounds good, right? Except, well, your ex comes from the same area as you. IGNORE THEM. Focus on you! And by that we mean feverishly masturbate, but also be a little selfish, buy yourself some gifts. You deserve it, and nothing is more satisfying than actually getting what you want. It sucks getting gifts from a significant other and not liking them because they’re dumb and don’t pay attention when you’re clearly pointing things out at the store, and you really shouldn’t have to spell that shit out for them. And be real, no one wants an “us“ gift anyways. Just spoil yourself and get the satisfaction of having some kick ass new things and some alone time with the people you love the most and will never leave you for a drunken LAX-bro gangbang.
So, don’t sweat the break up. It sucks, but you’ll make it through. The important thing to remember is that life goes on, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. And after break, you’ll head back to campus ready to have sex with all those fish.
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Raise Grades, Lower Rent, Here’s How: daniel park wrote this
With VCU tuition prices constantly on the rise and landlords adding unnecessary features to your place of stay, you might start believing that “paying the bills” actually means feeding a group of money-hungry debt collectors named Bill. Whether it’s you or your loving parents that work hard for the money to pay off school, your groceries, and your cancer sticks, you might want to start thinking of alternative ways to save your thinning wallet from death by anorexia. So, instead of stocking on cheap ramen noodles and Pop-Tarts (or Toaster Strudel if you’re fancy), The Black Sheep thought outside of the box and figured out a plan that will have your wallet so fat it’ll be on both sides of your fanny. First, write down a list of college student essentials. Keep it simple, you know, items that you’ll die without: a toothbrush, sandals, and for asthmatics, an inhaler. All the fake jewelry in the world and all the accessories you carry around won’t land you a job, even if you’ve dragon’s breath slung around your neck. So sell your meaningless belongings and put all that sweet cash towards your next bill payment. If you’re bringing in anywhere from $200-600 every month, worry no more. It might help to find an open-minded friend to join you on your penny-pinching journey. In fact, it will even be much more efficient and successful if you gather a group of trustworthy friends. Found them? Great, now we’re really ready to start saving. The first step is to look for a cheap storage garage. $600 for a space reasonable, as you’ll be splitting the cost. Remember, no complaining as you keep your eyes on the prize. After hanging your clothes and taping your posters up, celebrate with a glass of wine… because you’re about to pull the greatest scam in college history. After you and your trustworthy gang learn each other’s class schedules, determine which one of you will sleep at the pod on what nights. This will help you manage your time and work wisely. When JJ sleeps at home on Monday night, Joe, Andy, Antonio, Chris and I will be snoozing at the Cabell Hotel (Or as the non-frugal may refer to it as Cabell Library. But VCU’s 24/7 public library holds 32 total rooms, 15 on the first, 14 on the second, 3 on the third. Sounds like a hotel to us.) You’re a group of personable people. Make sure you befriend the security guards and treat them to an occasional cup of coffee from Starbucks. That $5 caramel frap is nothing in the grand scheme of things. After establishing what room you’ll be located in, make sure everyone signs in on Skype to be accountable for one another. They key to a successful Cabell Hotel stay is for everyone to be able to monitor their roommate’s actions.
The Top 10
“Chris wake up, security guard is heading towards room 152,” Antonio can say. If you’re a snorer you might want to slumber on the 2nd floor, as a lot of the students are crushing Red Bulls and pulling all-nighters. If you want to sleep on the ground, we recommend buying a Snuggie and hiding behind the desk while your roommate sits window-side, keeping lookout while he studies. Trading roles and taking powernaps while the other crams for his class—it’s a breathtaking sight.
Thanksgiving Disasters We all know that Thanksgiving is kind of a bullshit holiday. A holiday without presents? That’s just un-American. On the other hand, it is nice to have a whole week off of school just for eating. Who doesn’t want to move up a pant size? But Thanksgiving dinner is like a fragile ecosystem, and there are a few things that can easily take it from hero to zero. 10.) You run out of food: For people who think the American pastime is baseball: You’re wrong. The American pastime is eating. Obesity is literally destroying our population. Case in point: we have a national holiday dedicated to overeating. Thanksgiving is basically the Olympics of eating, so if we ran out of food, the whole occasion would be ruined. 9.) You sit next to your racist aunt/uncle/grandparent: Why does everyone have one of these? There is always someone at Thanksgiving that’s determined to offend as many people as possible, and for some reason, they are attracted to you like a moth to a flame. Also, they shout every single thing they say. It’s like hearing loss is related to racism. 8.) Some asshole brings Brussels sprouts: Look, we get it. No one likes that they have to bring a dish to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a stupid requirement. But bringing something gross just to spite everyone is unacceptable. Brussels sprouts shouldn’t even be classified as food, and no one should ever eat them ever.
This bulletproof plan is about as perfect as Jennifer Lopez’s ass (in her mid-20s)—no security guard will bust open the door on a group of studious men and women falling asleep. Not even the Third Reich will have the heart to tell you dreamers to go home.
7.) Native American ghosts crash the party: Thanksgiving is a pretty historical holiday. Many years ago, our brave forefathers wiped out/imprisoned an entire race of people, and now we eat turkey to celebrate that momentous occasion. One of these days, the ghosts of all of those people we slaughtered are going to figure out what’s going on and want to get in on that turkey action. It will be like a Halloween/Thanksgiving combo-pack.
Now that we’ve got rent covered, here is how to handle other miscellaneous factors in this award winning process.
6.) Everyone has to go around in a circle and say what they’re thankful for: Why don’t we all just hold hands and sing “Kumbaya” afterwards? We’re here for the FOOD, let’s not distract from it with a cheesy positive attitude.
To cut down on the water bill, shower at Cary Street Gym. Buy a case of water bottles and keep them full at all times. Brush your teeth and wash your face in the basement of Hibbs or the Snead.
5.) They cancel Black Friday: The only thing more important than the actual dinner part of Thanksgiving is the shopping part. Black Friday is one of the most important days of the year. Consumerism, y’all! How else can you get an iPad for $40? That’s like a million dollar discount for the Apple store. If they cancelled Black Friday, we would know that the world really is ending in 2012.
To cut down on the electricity bill watch TV at Break Point and charge your laptop at school. Remember, your storage facility is just a place to sleep, pregame, and change clothes. The microwave in the Commons works, so if you want to defrost your frozen chicken breast, that’s the place to go. So now you own a $600 storage unit, dividing by six people leaves you spending just $100 for “rent.” You also have security at night when your trusted roommates accompany you to the Cabell Hotel. Your grades will markedly shoot up because of all the studying that you’re doing instead of stressing out over bills, plus you’re sleeping at the library 6 nights a week – how could you not get smarter? Budgeting and managing your finances in college is vital to your future. Why not start now?
4.) The cable goes out: Watching television on Thanksgiving is basically a requirement. You start off with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the only non-creepy parade of the entire year. Then, you watch football for an hour or nine, because this is America. Finally, you wrap up the day with one of the many Friends marathons. How are there 349,587 Thanksgiving episodes of a show that only lasted for 10 seasons? 3.) You are Chandler Bing: Speaking of Friends, Chandler’s life was seriously depressing. In each of those 349,588 (I forgot one) Thanksgiving episodes, something horrific happens to Chandler. Imagine getting your toe cut off on a holiday. The worst. 2.) Someone is a vegetarian or (worse) vegan: Tofurkey and turkey are not the same thing, and I will physically fight anyone who says otherwise. The whole point of the holiday is to eat an entire turkey in one sitting and then pass out from all the tryptophan. Don’t mess with perfection. 1.) No booze: This is a code-red disaster. Getting together with your entire family sober is actually a crime against nature. Unless you’re Amish or descended from Oliver Cromwell, you better have a glass of wine in your hand from dawn until dusk. Let’s be honest: At the end of the day, all we’re really thankful for is alcohol.
TBS Staff wrote this
From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you could be a superhero who would you be? “I would be Spiderman because he can fly all over the city and seems to never get hurt.” - Caitlyn M.
“Hmmm... probably Wonder Woman because she is sexy and strong. I like being a woman…”- Elizabeth B.
“I would be Batman because he has a ton of sweet gadgets and only comes out at night, I can relate. ” - Kathleen L.
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Decoding the Drinks: What does your order say about you? Casey Burnett wrote this
Whether you’ve had a rough week with classes, or you’re just a functioning alcoholic, we all like to go to the bars and blow off steam. Getting shitty in River City is common for most college students with a Thursday-Saturday social agenda. Now, before you find yourself stumbling into a cab with some rando, take a look at what they’re drinking. You might be able to cut to the chase without that awkward getting-to-know-you conversation. First, let’s talk about people who order big name domestic beers such as Bud Light and Miller Lite. This person is simple, frugal, and trying to get a buzz on. If you get to the bars before 9 o’clock, you can practically get a wheelbarrow’s worth of big name domestic beer for 6 bucks. If you see someone with one of these in their hand, they’re probably a bargain hunter. Then there is the elusive PBR drinkers. What comes to mind when you think of PBR? Some think of drunk hipsters chilling on a porch and not giving a fuck. Others think it’s the cheapest way to get hammered. Regardless of the justifications we all know PBR drinkers are probably too poor for any real bar options. Or they like the taste of piss. Either way, steer clear (unless you’re into hobos or piss drinkers, we don’t judge around these parts). Well, what if you’re too good for that domestic crap? Imported beer drinkers are one of two things… they are trying way too hard to be the most interesting man in the world, or trying too hard to be the alpha male of the group by proving their expert taste. Either way, they’re trying too hard, and will try even harder to get in your pants. A quick word on wine: many people seem think drinking wine in public places makes you look classy and sophisticated. Most of us look at you and think you’re too much of a wuss to drink beer…
or you’re hitting menopause early. These people are secretly crazy, and will most likely talk about starting a family if you take them home. Gin and tonic drinkers like to create the illusion that they have money. Who else would drop 8 dollars on the disgusting beverage your grandfather drinks when grandma is out shopping? Then again, they might actually have money, so play it cool. Martini drinkers are all about show. Besides costing and arm and a leg, martinis are essentially the mystery drink you would find served at a frat party. The difference? This jungle juice has been garnished with little slices of fruit and a toothpick. The Black Sheep tries not to think of any booze as “too girly” (booze is booze is booze), but mixed vodka drinks are most definitely for chicks. Nothing screams “I’m underage!” like a dirty Shirley. These people tend to be your public criers; if you see something pink or blue or orange with a pineapple sticking out of it, you can bet that they’ll be crumpled in a heap by the end of the night, wailing about how no one will ever understand them like Harry from One Direction does. Scotch drinkers can be seen out and about between 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. Most are trying to have some fun after work but need to be home in time so that the wife doesn’t get suspicious. The more scotch these people have to drink, the younger they think they become. They are also usually seen creeping out the mixed vodka drinkers, waiting to be the shoulder on which they cry. Be on the lookout for creepy mustaches and elbow patches. The fun really begins with the tequila shot-takers. Beware: those who drink tequila shots are looking for the time of their lives, but
are quick to hit a downward spiral. They are fun, but volatile, kind of like fireworks that throw up on you and make fun of what you’re wearing. The person who was once seen dancing on tables as the life of the party could quickly change to the person keying your car if you look at them the wrong way. If you have a friend who is a tequila shot-taker it’s wise to place a return address somewhere on their person (Ed. note: A “Hello my name is” sticker with an emergency phone number/home address will do wonders). If you go home with a tequila shot-taker please make sure they return to said address. After reading these descriptions we hope you’ve gained a little insight about who’s winking at you from across the bar. Maybe you’ll think twice before hitting on someone who has taken their age in shots. Or at least you’ll put down that damn scotch and replace it something a little less creepy.
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it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
’ ’ The Protege
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The fatty fat fat fat
The poor poor kid
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
bartender of the week Shana E. Republic Age: 23 Favorite Drink Recipe: RBVs with a splash of cranberry Favorite Shot: Jameson Have you invented any drink recipes yourself: “Yes, a shooter, vodka sour with a splash of Sprite and raspberry liquor at the bottom.” “I Dare You” Recipe: Liquid cocaine - Goldschlager + Rumple Minze + Jagermeister Personal Theme Song: “Dancer” by The Killers Life Motto: “Never live in regret.” What’s your guilty pleasure: The band Evanescence Ever met anyone famous: Yea, Justin Timberlake, when I was working at Shakespeares Late in Virginia Beach, he got kicked out actually. I’ve also met Pharrell, he was a friend of a friend and his entourage was a bunch of dicks; they shattered champagne bottles, were disrespectful, and left a huge mess.
the drinking game
Favorite pick up line: This guy at the bar wiped off the condensation from his glass and flicked it in my face then said “Looks like I’ve gotten you a little wet, how about I take you in the back to dry you off?” Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: “This girl was sitting at the bar with one boob completely out of her shirt, everyone at the bar knew, I had to tell her it was out!” Ever hooked up with a co-worker: “Yes, but not on the job, and I was working at Element Lounge at the time.” What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: “When people are trying to get my attention by snapping at me, tapping their beer bottle, shouting ‘Hey hey’ and waving their hand in my face, or waving money at me obnoxiously.” What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: “By waiting patiently, I’ve seen you and I know you’re there, everyone gets their turn in the order they appeared. Also, have your money out so I know you’re ready.”
Recipe for Disaster
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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How To: Turkey Bowl
TBS STAFF wrote this
Many of us partake in the time-honored tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. It’s as American as apple pie topped with bacon bits. For a good number of us, this gathering of friends and family for a low-stakes game always seems to end up as an embarrassingly passive-aggressive affair. It combines all the forced interactions of a family gathering with the cutthroat competitiveness of playing Monopoly with your sworn enemy, or for that matter, playing Monopoly with anyone. Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple steps you can take to get the most out of your Turkey Bowl.
about forty-five minutes before the first snap. Really lay into him. Bring up childhood sporting failures, receding hairlines, impotence, anything and everything. Eventually, he’ll fire back some comment about how he used to earn medals for getting rid of kids your age in Korea. First of all, he’ll be way out of line, and you’ll get the crowd on your side, but that’s not the point. Now that he’s taken a shot at you, it won’t seem strange when you demand to guard him. You just earned a day free of playing defense. At this point, ease up on the trash talk. That Korea rant sounded a little too real to be made up on the spot.
Cardio: You hate to hear it, but you should work out more. Let’s face it, you’re not in the same shape you were in high school. The best way to you give yourself the upper hand against Billy Anderson’s bump-and-run coverage is to have the lung power to run the length of the field more than once.
Hitch and Go: Alright, you spent the first half running a bunch of curl routes (this will be important later) and playing nice. Everyone has finally stopped laughing after the ball hit Kevin in the nuts. The moms have grown bored and left to start peeling sweet potatoes. Now it’s game time. The goal now is to show some real football skills. Everyone will be chomping at the bit to make a big play, and you’re gonna use this to your advantage. Tell your QB the plan in the huddle and follow these steps closely. At the snap of the pigskin, run eight yards right at your overanxious defender and stop. Turn back and look for the pass. The QB will pump fake right at you. As soon as he does, the restless cornerback will jump out in front of you. You immediately turn upfield and sprint toward the end zone as your co-conspirator at quarterback lofts an easy pass into your arms. You just scored a backbreaking fifty-yard touchdown and took the lead. Now is the perfect time to do a sexually suggestive dance.
Cleats: That’s right, you’re gonna be that guy. In late November, the grass is muddy and slippery. Wearing cleats to a pickup game might earn you a few funny looks, but it will also give you the ability to change directions. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Matt Forte? You can find out by reversing the field and watching defenders stumble as their old gym shoes fail to grip the earth, making them look like a bunch of top-heavy mouth-breathers. Guard the Slowpoke: Oh look, Uncle Jerry is still limping from his knee surgery. You’re gonna want to start trash talking him
Get Drunk: If all else fails, and it’s pretty clear that you’re the worst athlete on the field, crack open the cooler and don’t look back. It turns out that your hand-eye coordination is less than spectacular. You might as well get blasted and see if it improves. At the very least, no one will blame you for dropping an interception if you’re struggling to walk. Some may say the game is not about who wins, it’s all about having fun. Well, those people are pussies, and this Thanksgiving they’re getting an ass-kicking.
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the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”
“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”
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