The Black Sheep
FR EE ... mi like nu te tha un t p der enc ne il y at ou hy f ou oun rd d es las k. t-
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 5 • 2/14/13 - 2/20/13
career fair translations black sheep staff wrote this
It’s career fair season here at the UK. For many of us, this can be a stressful time, presenting the working world’s most frustrating conundrum: You need an internship so you can get job experience, but you need job experience to get an internship. There’s often a disconnect between what actually happens at a career fair and how the recruiter responds. Sometimes they’re impressed, sometimes they’re disinterested, and sometimes they find a polite way to say, “Not in a million elevator pitches.” Here’s a guide that will help you interpret the strange happenings at your career fair and if a successful career is in your future. NO EYE CONTACT: What It Actually Means: You’re terrified. Everyone’s told you how important this moment is, and you’re just about ready to shit your pants in terror. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack confidence and you’ll never be a leader in this industry. some eye contact: What It Actually Means: You’re off to a good start. Just remember to smile, and the person will probably think you’re friendly and trusthworthy. What the Recruiter Thinks: You haven’t blown it… yet. And get that dumb smile off your face. You look stupid. unbreakable stare: What It Actually Means: You’re overcompensating because you’re terrified. This isn’t the bedroom; you’re not trying to make up for lack of penis length. Relax. What the Recruiter Thinks: You have a sex dungeon, and I am completely unaroused. gpa lower than 3.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades aren’t bad. It’s good that you have the confidence to talk to recruiters and battle against other students who are way out of your league. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified. Transfer to art school while you still have time. gpa between 3.0 and 3.5: What It Actually Means: Your grades are good.
You’re average, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified. Do you even want to be here? gpa between 3.5 and 4.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades are great, and you should be proud of your accomplishments. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified… and you’re a nerd. Don’t you have any other hobbies? dressed in sweatpants and bedhead: What It Actually Means: You’re sleepwalking again. Go see a doctor. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’d fit right in at Google. When can you start? dressed in suit and tie: What It Actually Means: You’ve got your shit together, and you’re ready to work. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack a unique sense of individuality, and you’ll never be a leader in this industry. dressed in Pink tux with matching cane, monocle, gloves, and top hat: What It Actually Means: You’re an escaped mental patient and need to return this all to Salvation Army right away. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re an escaped mental patient or attempting to channel your inner Prince. Either way, no. missing the phone interview: What It Actually Means: You were up all night celebrating the fact that you landed a phone interview. What the Recruiter Thinks: Drat, you would’ven been a perfect fit. CONVEYING EXCITEMENT, AMBITION AND EXPERIENCE DURING THE PHONE INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You conveyed the ability to hold a conversation without making a sexist, racist, or otherwise inappropriate comment. What the Recruiter Thinks: You still haven’t blown
coping with the End of a Series
it … yet. Maybe I’ll check your Facebook page to dig up some dirt.
experience with Java, C, C++, and PHP. Don’t expect to hear from us.
losing connection halfway through phone interview: What It Actually Means: You’re screwed. Unreliable phone conection in the 21st century? What the hell is your problem? What the Recruiter Thinks: Did you just hang up? You’re going to be a leader in this industry. When can you start?
taking 5 shots to relax before the inperson interview: What It Actually Means: You’re an alcoholic who follows advice from your dumbest friend. You better pray it doesn’t smell or that you don’t slur your words. What the Recruiter Thinks: You were so unphased by my rigorous questioning, I would’ve given you the job if you didn’t puke on my shoes.
giving thoughtful and intelligent answers during in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You just crushed it. There’s nothing else you can do now but sit and wait for the job offer. What the Recruiter Thinks: You don’t have
calling the male interviewer “dad” during the in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You blew it. What the Recruiter Thinks: Ha! I knew you would blow it!
the top 10
bartender of the week
Just like any good, loving relationship, your favorite TV show will ultimately come to a screeching halt.
Things You Should Consider Giving Up for Lent.
Britt from Bogart’s thinks your pants look better on the floor.
contents page 5: How Two Got Rammed at VCU How two young rams got rammed in ram nation.Â
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page 6: A Message to my Stalker Please stop stalking for two minutes to read this message.
pages 7: from the streets
If you were going to get eaten by an animal and had a choice in the matter, what animal would you want to eat you?
page 9: Thrift Shop, or How Macklemore Ruined Our Favorite Pastime If buying thrift stores becomes mainstream, where will we buy our clothes? THE INTERNET?!
page 11: We Interview: Monica Theiu What, you donâ€™t know who the 2012 Jeopardy! College Champion is? Well now you do!
page 13: pay to park Is it a secret VCU Hunger Games Fund?
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word of the week Bartition:
The four-deep line of people separating you from the bartender. “Damn this bartition! If I don’t get a gin and tonic pronto I’m going to have to sleep with that uggo sober.”
How to Cope with the End of a Series Lorenzo Simpson wrote this Your heart is playing pinball inside your chest. Your face is sweating more than Rick Ross attempting to work a Stairmaster. Your eyes are welling with tears so hot and salty that they should be served with a #2 and a Diet Coke. Your mind goes blank, wondering how it will go on living after what it has just experienced. No, you’re not on acid, and no, you didn’t accidentally walk in on your parents’ private wrestling match. Your favorite TV show just aired its very last episode. Whether it was a long-running show, such as 30 Rock or The Office, or short-lived cult favorites, like Alphas or Death Valley, it seems like many good shows are coming to a close. It’s not easy being a fan of shows that don’t have a nationwide appeal. It almost feels like unless you’re a fan of zombie apocalypses with samurai ladies, no one cares what happens to your beloved TV characters. But even the zombies couldn’t stop Death Valley from being cancelled, which was basically a comedic mix of Van Helsing and Cops. On the other hand, it’s also tough to see a show that was pants-wettingly funny in its first couple of seasons begin to slowly die because it lost its main character. Michael Scott left The Office and fans were stuck with Andy’s annoying ass: a donkey-faced omen of the show’s demise. But as much as you want your show to stay on the air, the longer it does, the more it starts to look like that half dead zombie from Season 1 of The Walking Dead. You look down as it’s crawling on its arms, trying to grab and bite on to your attention span, and you know you have to put it out of its misery. So how do you cope with the stress of losing your best excuse for living every week? Most sensible people would say read a really good book -- it will widen your imagination and you’ll be the snooty know-it-all among your friends when it’s finally turned into a movie. But with all of the textbooks the average college student has to read every week, ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. So, the best thing to do would be to patch up that gaping abyss in your heart left with another show that’s still on the air. The best show to watch would be the Today Show on NBC. It’s a show about what happened today! Unless the apocalypse decides to happen, this show will never run out of material! And with the characters edgy personas (Al Roker talking about shitting himself), this show is the perfect pacifier to use until your
new favorite show airs a pilot. Another option is to become a YouTube sensation. With just a camera in your room, you could turn a video of yourself doing basically ANYTHING into a television show. Hey, if a high-pitched boy with a pituitary gland problem and a stupid, talking piece of fruit can do it, so can you! And if the show gets cancelled, you’ll only have yourself to blame. We all know the saying: all great things must come to an end. Or, they must be dragged out long enough so that it begs for death, but it never comes (it’ll be okay, The Simpsons, step into the light). For those of you who feel like your world ended with a certain show, expand your horizons. There is always a show about food on television. Or, if you just can’t let go of that little universe, go the online petition route. At least you’ll know you voiced your opinion once the network intern writes you back an apologetic letter while laughing maniacally at your unreasonable demands for another season. But don’t fret. There will always be a new great show on the horizon for all to enjoy, you just have to wait for it. Just please don’t start writing (pornographic) fanfiction. Please. PLEASE.
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How Two Got Rammed at VCU Daniel Park wrote this
All were welcome to the fiesta, free-of-charge and BYOB. No I.D. checking, no minimum grade point average requirement, and as long as you were athletic enough to hop the backyard fence and out-sprint the five-oh in your high heels, you were allowed in. This is a short story about a party before the police showed up. We won’t say if it’s true or not, but if you ever run into Single Sally or Playa Peter (pronounced Petah), tweet us soon so that we’re informed that they posted their bails. They met inside of XXXX Clay Street Richmond, VA 23220. When Single Sally walked into the pitch-black room it was too difficult to see anything, and no one seemed to be moving. This was a glimpse of Hell, as described in the 2,000-page insert Sally would later scrawl in her diary. The only way to move around this area was to wait for a smoker nearby to spark a poorly-rolled spliff. That was fine, because Bic lighters were flicking on every two minutes. Sally finally reached the light emitted from the fridge and poured herself a shot of vodka. After diagnosed with Meninherearefuglyitis, her thoughtful and beloved doctor prescribed her a bottle of Grey Goose. The VCU guys were exceptionally fugly tonight, and the medicinal drink couldn’t heal the symptoms any faster. After taking four more shots of the distilled, 80-proof vodka, she was more than ready to party. Playa Peter, who just crushed the house record time in performing a keg-stand of 1 minute 42 seconds, soaking his necktie in the process, appeared polite enough to satisfy her needs. She grabbed him. According to witnesses, Playa Peter never took a sip of beer in his life before this night, meaning this achievement was quite high on his list of party career accomplishments. With the adrenaline pumping at full throttle, Peter decided to make this glorious situation the defining moment of his college life in a nutshell. This would
mean he’d have to come out of his nutshell, too. “Heyyyy, my name’s Pe-tah why-at are you doinguh?” he slobbered. “Youuuu are cutest you silly! My name is… Sally?” she drooled back. “Oh my gawd, you’re the silly one! Your name even sounds like it,” refuted Peter. “Noooo but you’re name rhymes with ‘penis,’” laughing, quickly changing the subject, “Wellllll do you want to play beer pong with me?” Peter, now confused about Sally’s rhyming skills responded with the famous, “Alriiggghtt but if we lose and you suuckk, then you’re suckinggg my balls toniightt.” With the booming music in the background, Sally mistook “sucking my balls” for “staring at the stars” and agreed to the deal, yelling back, “Okay! Maymont Park it is!” Sally swerved through the room and found the sign-up list. After sloppily doodling a stick figure of her and Peter holding hands with a shorter stick figure between them, she wrote “Sally, Mae and Peter are about to RUN shit!” After winning two games, the drunken beer-pong partners eventually were skunked by two beer-pong trained meatheads. Sally and Peter were forced to run nude across the street and back to the chanting of the assholes. To everyone else’s dismay, Peter was rewarded. She took him home and still [Insert graphic sex euphemism here] the brains out of him. No longer does he have to worry about cramming for exams again, thanks to Sally. Sally got what she wanted too: a child, a boyfriend, and a night stargazing at Maymont Park.
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a message To My Stalker vcu staff wrote this Dear Person Stalking Me,
I’m not sure when you first decided to stalk me. Maybe it was when you saw me speak in class one day, or maybe it was when I seductively took out my garbage in my finest t-shirt. Either way, you saw me and you’ve been after me ever since, you nut! Not even when I changed my schedule, only travelling during the day and in groups, or when I got my concealed weapons license; you have been ever vigilant in your stalking, and I respect that level of commitment. I wished I liked me as much as you like me. I’m sure I’m not the first person that you’ve stalked (and if so, you’ve got a real knack for this!), and clearly I’ve had people take an unhealthy interest in my life before, so this isn’t something we’re both going into with wide eyes. Well, you might be; you do have a pretty bad case of crazy-eye going on. No, we’re both seasoned veterans, having been burned in the past (in your case figuratively, in my case from the time you tried to set my apartment on fire) by love/deeply rooted psychosis. Maybe you were drawn to me by the abundance of alleyways and shadowy corners near my apartment complex, or maybe my raw stalkability was off the charts. Whatever the reason, we’re bound together; the red string of fate and your improbably good tracking skills have deemed it so. My friends say that you’re no good for me, and they’re absolutely right. I’m pretty sure that you’re going to kill me one day and I’ve
Things You Should Consider Giving Up for Lent
While Lent is typically a Catholic tradition, giving something up for a month can both enhance your enjoyment of what you’ve given up, as well as appreciate how good you have it compared to those less fortunate than yourself. Here are some ideas:
If you are reading this (and I know you are), I just wanted to thank you for all of your unconditional and slightly disturbing affection. I really appreciate the severed doll heads that you’ve been leaving on my porch and on the hood of my car; I arrange them on the sidewalk to keep people from taking my parking spot. I also appreciate the letters you’ve written me in chopped up words from The Black Sheep articles that I’ve had published, and even though you keep threatening to kill my dog, Bartholomew, and wear his face as a mask, I treasure the fact that you know my dog’s name. On Valentine’s Day, after you attacked my partner and said you were the only one that would ever love me, it was very sweet of you to scatter dead rose petals all over my apartment. It really ties the whole place together. Oh, and speaking of “tying,” I love the tiny little nooses that you hang outside of my doorway. It’s fun to wake up to in the morning and the neighbors get a real kick out of the look of sheer panic and terror that crosses my face.
10.) Duck lips in your picture: “New avi got glitter…”, we all know how the infamous YouTube video “Ratchet Girl Anthem” goes. Don’t be a victim of numerous Instagram jokes about the countless things girls do to get more likes. They’ve already made us feel bad for using filters. 9.) Crossing the street when cars are going: Jaywalking is a way of life, but it can also be a way out of life. Try obeying the street lights and you’ll soon learn how easy it is to obey all the laws. Soon you’ll be a happy, oblivious cog in the machine like the rest of us! 8.) Shafer: Don’t get us wrong, there are a couple of good things on the menu. The crab legs and sushi are a plus, and we even hear that fried chicken Mondays are the bomb, too. Not to forget the array of cereal and the nice waffle maker. But trust us, give it up. Your bowels will thank you later. 7.) Partying on the 2nd floor of Cabell: It may not be the quiet floor. No it’s not designed for people to study in total silence. But you shouldn’t be yelling at your friend from the printer to the study room about what y’all plan to do tonight. It’s still a damn library. Feel free to continue partying on the first floor. 6.) Dirty Mirror Pics: Really? Did you not have time to wipe it down? Then you have the nerve to post it on Instagram. If you can’t take pride in a clean bathroom, what can you take pride in?
already written a will just in case things should go awry (or if they go unfathomably well for you, I suppose). I would like it known that if you are to cradle my disembodied skull as a means of falling asleep faster, I would like my skull bleached on a regular basis, so that I’m not one of those gross corpses that’s all rotting and whatnot. I’m sure you will do unspeakable things to my dead body; all I ask is that you do me the courtesy of sanitizing me regularly. Also, please do not turn my bones into wind chimes; I find them annoying. Acceptable alternatives include a totally badass bone spear, a macabre back-scratcher, or a cute belt. As always, I trust your discretion, not that I have much choice in the matter.
5.) Play-by-play Tweeting: People on Twitter are so considerate. They know that some people can’t catch their favorite show or the big game on TV, so they tweet every minor event that goes on. If we cared enough to read 2,000 tweets about something, we would just turn on the TV. 4.) Facebook Modeling: You’re tall, somewhat attractive, and occasionally someone might ask if you model or suggest that you start. If your entire portfolio consists of a Facebook album and a small role in a Turquoise Jeep music video, you aren’t really a model. 3.) Throwback Thursday: This game is classic. Everyone gets to admire how hideous you were as a kid. Some of you were even cute. But then you have your 300 other followers who think their pictures from last week are considered throwback. Once again, are you that desperate for likes? 2.) Collaged Selfies: They didn’t invent the front camera for nothing. But it’s safe to say we can all live without a collage composed of four pictures of you, each with a different silly face, captioned “When Boredom Strikes.”
After the last dead raccoon you shoved in my freezer and the third time I changed my locks, the courts finally mandated that you couldn’t be within 50 yards of me. Well, they should have known that such an order would be impossible, because you’re already in my heart. I mean that both figuratively and literally, because of the time you tried to inject your eyelashes into my chest while I was sleeping. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but looking back: funny! Anyways, I’m looking forward to doing this again next year. I’ve already installed a deadbolt, a new security system, and I’ve trained Bartholomew to go for the neck, so good luck! Yours truly, The Object of Your Misguided Affection P.S. Please do not kill any of my friends in a blood-frenzy; they’re good people. If you do, I’m pretty sure one of them has my TI-83 calculator. I don’t need it back, but if you happen to see it, I’d really appreciate it if you could work it into your next effigy. Thanks.
1.) Reading other magazines: Yeah, magazines have “news” and all of that nonsense, but you’re probably spending too much time and money on them. Make The Black Sheep your magazine of choice over Lent, and you’ll never go back. You know what they say, once you go black, you want to keep reading more!
ciara roman wrote this
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you were going to get eaten by an animal and had a choice in the matter, what animal would you want to eat you? “A giraffe.” - Becca M.
“A great white shark.” - Trey H.
“A peacock.” - Phil L.
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Thrift Shop, or how Macklemore Ruined Our Favorite Pastime vcu staff wrote this There are some songs, like people and other un-pleasantries that we try to avoid and cannot. For us at The Black Sheep, this unavoidable happening was “Thrift Shop” by Washington rapper Macklemore. With its unusual yet catchy (read: annoying) beat and hilarious (read: eh, alright) video, it was an instant hit across America (our taste isn’t always the greatest. Honey Boo Boo is a thing). However, we fear that Macklemore may have destroyed the only pastime that kept the trendy folk motivated to not blow all the money from their food service jobs on two packs of American Spirits a day and 24 ounce PBR’s. The entire basis of Thrift Shop was to satirize the rap industry. Macklemore makes it a point to talk about how absurd our consumer culture is. He has a point when he so eloquently tells us, as a nation, that paying $50 for a t-shirt is “just some ignorant bitch shit.” Then, he tells us of how if you’re “tryna to get girls from a brand? Man you hella won’t.” You hella won’t, unless you’re going for one of the Kardashian sisters (or any girl with a sense of entitlement and privilege), then you may have found your niche audience. By trying to make our fashion look sensible, Macklemore has infinitely screwed us by making a video that now has over 90 million views about it. Are you kidding?! Now everyone is going to know our secret! Here at VCU, and the city of RVA in general, thrifting is HUGE. There are other cities that greatly embrace thrifting, like NYC, Portland and Savannah. Together, we’ve formed a boy’s club of trendy cities that puts a velvet rope in front of everyone else trying to get into our club, because we can be fashionably pretentious. But now, we can’t be snobby and pretentious anymore because everybody sees the light! Thanks, Macklemore, for showing the world how to be stylish and fiscally responsible at the same time. Roughly half of all VCU students who are heavy into thrifting portray a similar aesthetic to the homeless population of Richmond. However, the other half is extremely good at it, and trendy as fuck. We have friends at Longwood who habitually come to RVA to satisfy their used-clothes needs (sucks to suck). With all this being said, Macklemore may have made our unique and fashionable quirk… oh god, we can’t bring ourselves to say it…m-m-mainstream! What does this mean for us? Is everyone going to flock to Rumors and FanTastic Thrift and buy out
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all of the less popular, ugly sweaters we’ve had our eyes on all year? Will there be another great divide between the trendy thrifters and the homeless-looking ones on a national scale? Will RCVA finally just throw in the towel on their line? This trend towards thrifting could lead to a drastic drop in clients for Urban Outfitters and Forever 21, thus making them release some of their child workers (we see you, you greedy bastards), which would be extremely great for the kids. But what about us? Aren’t we, the trendy VCU students/RVAians the ones who will truly suffer if our favorite pastime becomes everyone’s favorite pastime? To answer your question, Macklemore, we know absolutely nothing about “rockin’ a wolf on [our] noggin’” and we don’t find zebra pajamas attractive on any grown ass man. So if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to forget this absurdity and guzzle down this box wine out of a mason jar before you take that trend away from us, too…
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seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken! Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones. Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house. It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button. Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award. Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit. Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.
In “massive buyout of a failing organization news”, this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.” This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod. If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-LifeI-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein. Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around. There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards. If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that self-referential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career. And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?
Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s well-known habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation. He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk! Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight. Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work. And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.
monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion
THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly? Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school. Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy!, I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do. TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set? Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study. TBS: Before you’re on the show do you meet your competitors? Monica: We didn’t get to meet the people on the show until we spent time in the green room. There’s actually a lot of time that we’re there that we’re not taping, and the two days we spent together brought us pretty close. Being on something like Jeopardy! brings people together. It’s not that I didn’t want to win, but if I have to beat you, I’m really sorry. TBS: Everything is taped in a two-day span? Monica: Yes. They tape five shows a day over the course of two days. TBS: In your downtime did you go do anything else non-Jeopardy! related? Monica: On the first day the people who taped before us had the opportunity to go eat in the Sony Pictures employee cafeteria. Since I taped on the fifth show out of five we had to stay in the green room, because talking with people outside of it might affect the way we play, and they can’t have that. On the second day I watched the two games being played. During lunch we had to stay in the employee cafeteria, I think they were afraid we’d go and blab the results out. TBS: There’s a pretty big stretch of time between the show taping and the show airing. How did you keep your win a secret? Monica: I told a couple of people, and it leaked out. The intent is, you’re supposed to keep mum about the results until it happens. TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio? Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there. TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer? Monica: I’d be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another 5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything. TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on? Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer. TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was? Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t. TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part? Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate. TBS: What question were you proudest of answering? Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out. TBS: What is Alex Trebek like? Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks. TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right? Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.” TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you? Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different. TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though. Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.
Credit: Jeopardy! Productions
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
safe Haven IN Theaters february 14th
If you are one of those girls, you can drag your stoner boyfriend to see Safe Haven, a Nicholas Sparks drama about a small town boy and girl who fall in love with each other (we actually didn't read the description, but this has got to be what it's about). Have your man treat you to a fancy entree at P.F. Chang's afterwards and, boom, you'll forget all about that boyfriend who left you on Valentine's Day.
die hard In theaters february 14th
Or, if you're the douchebag dumper, grab an emotional doormat off the street to see Die Hard, the fifth installment of the Bruce Willis action film about fighting and stuff. Afterward, treat her to a salad from Applebee's and some flowers from your local grocery store, and get excited for 20-minutes of average sex at your place. It's all about love.
ridiculousness Thursday, February 14th at 10pm on MTV
Or, if you are one of those couples, you can cozy up on the couch to catch the third season premiere of the viral video clip show Ridiculousness. Grab a few bottles of wine, order some pizza, and laugh and laugh and laugh at guys getting hit in the junk and getting humped by dolphins. Maybe a b.j. on the couch will happen during commercials, because you two can be so crazy sometimes!
bartender of the week britt n. bogart's How long have you been bartending: One year, but I have four years of bar experience.
Favorite bad pick up line: “Nice pants, they’d look great on my floor.”
Favorite Drink: Bourbon and ginger
Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: I saw a homeless guy giving himself a bath out of one of our toilets. A customer told me I needed to check on the men’s bathroom and when I opened the door he was sitting there smoking a cigarette and wiping down with wet paper towels. He looked at me and said, “I know, but I’m almost done.” I made him leave immediately.
Favorite Shot: Wild Turkey Have you invented any drink recipes yourself: Purple Drunk - it’s a secret recipe, but it’s fruity and very alcoholic. “I Dare You” Drink: We have a regular who’s hairy and works on cars; once, someone did a shot out of his belly button. Karaoke song? “Cut Your Hair” by Pavement Personal Theme Song: “The Rabbit, the Bat, and the Reindeer” by Dr. Dog Life Motto: “It’s not that serious.”
Favorite joke to tell: “What’s the square root of 69...? Ate something.” Biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When it’s busy and people ask me for “a beer” or “a shot” - know what kind you want. Best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Be polite; the person who’s the nicest to me gets my service first.
What’s your guilty pleasure: Lady Gaga
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
hot dog and egg sandwiches
Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.
Many times the secret to creativity lies in using what is available to you. Many of us would love to cook complex dinners using a variety of spices and meats, but that is often too expensive, and we are often too drunk or tired or stoned or lazy or all of those. Here is a simple recipe using only food that are mainstays in the college student kitchen
What You’ll Need: Alcohol! Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire. Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself. How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever. - The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group. - If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink. - When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master. The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact.
What You’ll Need: Hotdogs, eggs, cheese, bread. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes. Fatty Factor: Deliciously incapacitating. Let’s Get Baked: - Start off by throwing some bread in the toaster. If you don’t have a toaster, a microwave might work. Don’t quote us on that, we’re not Gordon Ramsay. - Cut up a few hotdogs into thin slices and throw them on a frying pan. - Beat some eggs and throw those on the same frying pan. If you haven’t noticed yet, this recipe involves a lot of throwing. - Scramble the eggs along with the hotdog slices until the eggs are cooked. - Remove the toast from the microwave, put the eggs and hotdogs on the toast, and throw some cheese on it. If your arm is still feeling good, try throwing some hot sauce on it too.
It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.
If there’s one thing better than scrambled eggs, it’s scrambled eggs with hot dogs in it. And if there’s one thing that’s better than scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it, it’s scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it with cheese on top. And if there’s one thing better than that, it’s sex. But…but why are we so alone?
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Pay to Park: Secret VCU Hunger Games Fund? vcu staff wrote this It was the afternoon, that time of the day when most people would rather choke themselves with Chris Brown’s angry grip than participate in the horrendous level of maturity required to finish up the day. Or, as we refer to it here at VCU, Happy Anytime is Drank Time, Weed Time, or Bench Sittin’ Hour. There we were, riding our bench dirty when we saw him. It was a fat Joe Pesci in a business suit, crying. He was trying to figure out the new pay to park machine, and got so pissed that he kicked that piece of shit machine. What do we say to poor fat Joe P? Cheers! Cheers to breaking down every one of those god damn machines. We want anarchy! We want to see partially finished Macklemore wannabes lighting their 50-cent plaids on fire. We want to see some equally entitled, Taylor Swift idolizing bitches from the music program writing some moronic, catchy tune about fat Joe and singing it outside the dean’s office. We want the crazy, psychotic, shit-eating-Joe-Bidengrin-of-insanity unleashed amongst our peers wading in the self-hate of a lost fifty cents. No one carries spare change anymore, so what’s happening? As expected, we’re paying a full dollar (double the price) to park for an hour. Three hours paid for and unused. Even hookers have the courtesy to prorate, VCU. You can just imagine all of our deans sitting at a round table in suits (and we’re not talking about a bunch of Gabriel Machts), cackling with fury at their disgusting ability to get our goat. One starts the delight with “Muahaha, we got those resourceful little mothafuckas’ dollas!” It’s time to stand up and tell these little slobbering usurers that our goat will not be got. We all know our school needs money, but why take such a drastic measure? We’re “expanding the Brand Center, giving back to the arts, and building new dorms.” We should all know where our money is really going. 31,000 students strong? We think not. Time to blow this bitch wide open. We are giving our money to weapons of mass destruction and violent, skill training for a VCU Hunger Games in order to cut down the overpopulation and hipstermania on campus. Robots and the VCU SGA are already in training and will have the leg up. Only the strong will survive.
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B G GAMES The IN K IN R D | R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES
We all know what that means. Those hummus grubbin’, lightheaded vegans will be the first ones down and out. Second, half of us will die, meaning you should go home and look at your roommates. You see the ones with a fine stock of Jillian Michaels DVDs, Nutella, and National Enquirers? Those bitches know how to survive. The rest are as good as a bullet between the eyes. Our fifty cents is about to add up on behalf of the massacre of our own by our own. That fifty cent’s Murder Inc. is coming for us, and it’s going to bitchslap us so hard, we’re gonna be praying for the interjection of G-Unit. It is clear that our school is halfway up the hill to bankrupt, falling off the cliff and raising the ceiling. The least they could do is be a little bit polite when they bend us over a table.
the crossword: wild animals Across 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related. 7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters. 8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets. 9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food. 10) Keeps you on pins and needles. 11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday. 12) All of these bears are left-handed. 13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are one.
15) U. Wisconsin mascot. 18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids. 19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils. 20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws. Down 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?! 2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit. 4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween. 5) Hay, why the long face? 6) Their skin is protected by pink sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes. 11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell. 14) 40+ hot woman. 16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name. 17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Spouse: - Daniel Tosh - Danielle Fishel - Danny Brown - Danielle Staub
Wedding Ceremony: - On the Brooklyn Bridge - Top of the Burj Khalifa - Inside the Spaceship Earth at Epcot - Base of the Eiffel Tower
Best Wedding Gift: - Jet Ski - Jet Pack - A Jet - Jethro Tull
Best Man: - Bill Clinton - BIll Nye - Bill Murray - Billy Bob Thornton
Celebrity Performer: - Justin Bieber - Jay-Z - Justin Timberlake - Ja Rule
Honeymoon Adventure: - Hot air ballooning around the world - Graffiting the Great Barrier Reef - Saving kittens in Romania - Skydiving from space
Maid of Honor: - Jessica Simpson - Jessica Rabbit - Jessica Lange - Jessica Biel
Wedding Chef: - Giada De Laurentiis - Paula Deen - Martha Stewart - Bobby Flay
embarrassing demise: - Suffocation at sushi-eating contest - Brain damage from Slip ‘N Slide - Stroke from doing the “Single Ladies” dance - Carpal tunnel from too much Twitter
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
MAKE A HALF-COURT SHOT AND WIN FREE RENT FOR A YEAR! Tweet a pic of The Collegiate logo to @TheCollegiateRVA or post a pic of the logo to FB.com/TheCollegiateVCU Once you tweet you’re entered into a sweepstakes to take a half-court shot at the VCU vs. GW game on February 16
• Winner gets a full year lease! • the
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