The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik ea at Val Ca en be tin ll ! e’s da te
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Volume 4, Issue 4 • 2/7/13 - 2/13/13
Valentine’s On the Fly Olivia Walthal wrote this
So, Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching and if you’re anything like us, you’re completely unprepared. Thankfully for you, The Black Sheep is here to help! So put down the hair you’ve ripped out, swab up your tears, and get out of the fetal position. We have some helpful, albeit undignified, steps to take to get you what you want this Valentine’s Day. You don’t have a date, but aren’t completely hopeless looks and personality wise. For guys: It’s as simple as turning on the charm and not mentioning anything about your penis (unless we specifically ask). Try to pick a date that is on your level of attractiveness, that way it doesn’t seem like a sick joke from your frat brothers. Just be kind, be yourself, hold doors, pull out chairs, and try to be as un-chauvinistic as possible. You are a respectable young gentleman; act like it – no “slut shaming.” Also, eye contact, gentlemen. You can’t date boobs; the technology just isn’t there yet. For girls: Go into a part of town you don’t usually frequent, but make sure wherever you choose is considerably fancier than where you usually go. Then, find the most attractive man you can find (don’t be afraid to hunt around) and tell him that you’re terminally ill and too old for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. He might be puzzled at first, but tell him that it was your final wish to have a date on Valentine’s Day with the most attractive man in Richmond. After said date is over (because this is foolproof), avoid that part of town forever. For all you know, this guy thinks that you died, so commit to that. Stay fake dead. Congratulations! You’re actually an attractive human being and you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! However, you don’t not have a gift for your equally attractive significant other. You don’t want to seem like an asshole for forgetting Valentine’s, even though you totally did. So what do you do? For guys: This time, being a guy is a huge advantage (Ed. note: Just like in sports, the job market, and opening jars.) Unless you’re a part of the art program at VCU, your creative expectations are low, so make your girlfriend/date something really cute that looks somewhat decent. You can use crayons, macaroni and glue, paint (watercolors are a panty-dropper), whatever – go crazy, and remember reds and pinks! If you have little cousins or siblings, look to them for inspiration, but don’t steal their shit. No matter what you make, if you at least kind of tried you’re guaranteed an “Aw! So cute! Thank you!” and perhaps a nice, long, toothless blowjob later in the evening.
Love in the time of Mardi Gras love was found in a hopeless, drunken place.
If you don’t feel like making something, you can never go wrong with chocolate (in the most expensive heart shaped container you can find) and red roses. Did you get that? RED roses. No yellow or white or black roses. Don’t try to be adventurous or artsy here; we already saw that in your mediocre hand drawn card. For girls: As a fellow female creature, I hate to say this. If you completely forgot a gift until the day of Valentine’s Day, don’t panic! Be stereotypical, tone down your feminism JUST ONCE, and cook for your man. Yes, yes, it might kill you inside a little, but who knows! For inspiration, think of all the fucking stupid “ways to entice your man” tips that Cosmo taught you your freshman year. This way, you don’t have to spend money on that god-awful cologne he likes that you hate. (Ed. note: But it makes us feel sexy!) It’s Valentine’s Day! You remembered that you have a significant other AND you remembered to get said significant other a gift! So what did you forget? Oh yeah, a dinner reservation somewhere.
This doesn’t even need to be split into genders, because either person can deal with this issue. First, how about lowering your expectations a little? Let’s be realistic for a second: when you’re eating Ramen and Easy Mac everyday and fiendin’ for swipes, you need to sit your ass down and be honest about this whole situation. The solution to this problem might strip you of your dignity, but at least it’ll be effective. Whenever you figure out what restaurant you want to go to, call them and cry over the phone -- bawl like a damn baby. Make it loud, make it unintelligible, and make it as embarrassing as possible. There’s nothing worse than an adult sob to you over the phone, especially a grown-ass man/hysterical lady. The least the restaurant will do is toss you some scraps from the back door, and you can whip those up into a nice Valentine’s Day stew! If you don’t fall into any of these categories, well, then maybe you should stick to feverishly masturbating in your roommate’s bed when he/she leaves for class. It’s a surefire method, and it’s never failed you before!
Top 10: Ice Cream Flavors for Loners on Valentine’s Day
Damage Control for the Lazy Boyfriend
Ben and Jerry’s has yet to respond to our demands for “Depressionberry Blast”.
How to scramble so this Valentine’s Day isn’t the worst holiday since last year’s Valentine’s Day.
contents page 5: If You Give New Orleans a Superdome
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
If you give NOLA a Superdome, theyâ€™re going to do something super.
page 6: 2 Simple (Not Pathetic) Reasons to Love (Not Physically) Animals on V-Day Instead Third reason: an animal has never asked if you still have any naked pictures of your girlfriend on your phone.
pages 7: from the streets if you could have sex with a dead person, who would it be?
page 11: We Interview: Justin Grant Wade Aka, Steve Holt from Arrested Development.
page 12: bartender of the week Haley from The Local is all like, whatever, shit happens.
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A college student’s mistaken belief that a spontaneous threesome will occur during his or her college career. “It may have been presumptwous of me to think that I was going to have a threesome with those two girls who sat next to me at Arby’s,” Teddy uttered.
love in the time of mardi gras Milo Croyd wrote this
The moment I laid eyes on her I knew it could never work. My friends said things like, “Dude, she’s like, way older than you,” and, “She has blood on her lips. Dude, she has blood, like, coming out of her mouth.” And you know what? They were right. However, nothing could ever stop me from falling in love with my soulmate. My sweet angel woman. My dear Celibacy Roxxxane Storm. Her breath smelled of the finest cigarettes one could purchase on an escort’s tip salary. Her teeth were like kernels of harvest corn glimmering in the hot October sun. She had a distinguished gait, and walked like nothing in the room could harm her. It must have had something to do with the sizable varicose vein or her long history of reverse-digesting cucumber-sized Lincoln logs every Saturday night. Whatever it was that initially struck me, I knew that Celibacy was my dream woman, and was most definitely the most beautiful woman in all of New Orleans for Mardi Gras 2013. My friends and I had been partying for three days straight, and had reached the climax of our Mardi Gras experience at a bar called Muriel’s. Unless you were there you wouldn’t believe the amount of beautiful women in attendance. There were beads flying around faster than you can say “Pediculosis Pubis-infected landing strips,” and the liquor seemed to be pouring out of holes in the wall. In the insanity, I found myself thinking one thing: This wasn’t doing anything for me. I needed something more. After three days of sexual chaos, the standard beautiful woman seemed uninteresting. I needed someone with pizzazz; someone with spice. My friends and I stayed in the bar until closing. The street we walked on was littered with degenerates and drunks. People were sleeping in the gutter and making love on the sidewalk. To be honest, it made me feel lonely. On our way back to the hotel we passed a hot dog vendor and I ordered myself a foot-long.
I was walking and applying the relish on my monster wiener that I tripped on something in the middle of the street and dropped my hotdog. I initially thought it was a discarded sack of yellow onions, due to the unsettling smell and patches of dirt encompassing it. However, I was proven wrong when the most beautiful face I had ever seen emerged from the sack. “URGHW! You woke me up you son of a...” The voice stopped as our eyes met. “Y...you woke me up from a most terrible dream, darling, into a much better one. Say, is this your hotdog?” “Yes gorgeous, it is,” I said as she picked up the hotdog, picked off the glass and band-aids, and put the entire thing into her mouth. “What is the name of this beautiful thing that lies before me?” I asked. “Storm. Celibacy Roxxxane Storm,” She said with a wink. “Say, you got any glass?” I didn’t hear what she said, as I was lost in her bile-encrusted locks, so I simply responded in the positive. “Come with me,” she said.
been on my mind the entire time, “Celibacy, will I ever see you again?”
She took me by the hand and led me to an Audi which was parked in a garage. “Is his your car?” I asked.
“But...I love you,” I said, tears filling my eyes.
“Something like that,” she said as she broke the driver-side window with her elbow and unlocked the door. And then we banged. We did it all. The flying banana spider, the reverse elephant crawl, the upside-down clap-closet tornado, the corn husker, the flaming clam-cave excavation, the Irish mork bonker, the Pasadena mudslide, and I even had a chance to double-dip the jiggle stick. She opened me up to a world which I never knew existed, and I would be damned if I would let society tell me that this love was forbidden. As we were cleaning the stick shift I asked her something which had
“Darling,” she replied, “You know that society could never allow this.”
“Oh, Milo. That’s wonderful. Go and love some more,” she said and gave me a kiss. I have not washed that taste of tonsil stones and chewing tobacco out of my mouth. I never saw her again after that. She told me that somebody named “Big Ray” was going to be very upset if she didn’t leave. This Valentine’s Day, when all of you are having fun, I will not be going out with a young woman, I will be staying at home, thinking of that one perfect day in New Orleans. Hoping only to happen upon a sack of yellow onions in a couple weeks at Mardi Gras 2013.
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if you give new orleans a superdome tbs staff wrote this
If you give New Orleans a Superdome, it’s going to want to have a Super Bowl. It’s going to get so excited about having a Super Bowl that it will want to make tickets. So you’re going to need to go out and get all of the paper and the ink so that tickets can be made. New Orleans will cut all the paper, write out every single ticket for weeks on end, and make sure every one of them is perfectly printed. Once New Orleans makes all the tickets, it’s going to need to clean up the mess that the ink made. But once it gets started cleaning, it’s not going to want to stop. After all, the Superdome has to be spotless in order to have a Super Bowl there. So, you’re going to need to go get more cleaning supplies. N ew Orleans is going to scrub the Superdome from top to bottom, not missing a single centimeter as it goes. It’s going to take pride in how shiny and perfect everything is. As soon as the Superdome is clean, New Orleans is going to realize that people will make messes during the Super Bowl with all the food they’ll eat. You’ll have to go to the store to help New Orleans buy all the food for the concessions, and napkins too, because after all, it did just clean the Superdome. Napkins are to the Super Bowl as sketchy vibes are to Baltimore. After all the food has been purchased and prepared, New Orleans is going to realize there will need to be fans in the stands to eat. So, you need to run around the country with New Orleans in order to make sure there are enough fans to fill the whole Superdome. As soon as that’s done, New Orleans is going to realize that if it has enough fans there, they’ll need teams to cheer for. So you’re going to have to help New Orleans pick out which teams are playing. After much consternation and debate, New Orleans decided that the Ravens and the 49ers were an all right pick, primarily because nobody else was available.
After the teams have been regretfully settled on, New Orleans is going to want to plan a halftime show. New Orleans, understandably so, is a huge fan of Beyoncé, so you’re going to have to help New Orleans personally contact her. Obviously a phone call wouldn’t be sufficient, so New Orleans will want you to help it get a first class ticket to visit Beyoncé and ask her in person. Once she has agreed to do the halftime show, New Orleans is going to be distraught over the stage situation. It’s going to want this to be the best halftime show in the history of forever, so naturally it’s going to need your help to build a stage with all the bells and whistles. So you have to go to the hardware store to get all the supplies, and then you’ll have to help build the stage. As soon as everything is built, New Orleans is going to be as excited as Ray Lewis after the plea agreement. So excited, in fact, that it overlooks the fact that you’re going to need an inhuman amount of electricity to ensure that everything will work properly. The day of the Super Bowl, New Orleans is happy with everything, from food to Beyoncé. Just as the half time show is about to begin, an electricity problem occurs in New Orleans. So, you’re going to need to help it brainstorm where you’ll find the extra electricity required to run the half time show. New Orleans thinks that it’s probably wisest to kill the lights. At first, New Orleans is upset about it, because the people in the stands don’t look too pleased. But you reassure it that it’s not that big of a deal, because nobody really cares about these teams anyways. After the power outage was fixed and the Super Bowl was over, New Orleans decided that next year there would need to be an even bigger Super Bowl. New Orleans will want to make it the best Super Bowl ever to make up for this one, so it’s going to want a new Superdome.
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Ice Cream Flavors for Loners on Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day alone is a terrible experience. Here are our top ten flavors of ice cream to get you through this difficult time in your life. 10.) Rocky Road: For those who recently went through a bad break-up before (or on) Valentine’s Day, this ice cream acknowledges the fact that you’ve had it rough these past couple of days, and hopes to calm you down with calorie-laden chocolate-marshmallow-almond pleasure that will probably ruin whatever diet you were on. Just chalk it up as a cheat day – that’s what THAT ASSHOLE DID. 9.) Mango: You won’t be going anywhere special with a lover tonight, so why not pretend to go on vacation? The sweet, tangy taste of mango conjures up images of hot beaches full of white sand, blue ocean, and tan nether regions. Aloha! Or, Ja Mon! Or Viva la - never mind. 8.) Double Fudge Brownie: The Rolls Royce of indulgent ice cream. Shovel down this confectionary orgy of an ice cream while you’re watching Leno and trust us, you’ll be knocked out long before he announces the weird, indie musical guest that no one’s heard of before.
2 Simple (Not Pathetic) Reasons to Love (Not Physically) Animals on V-Day Instead ciara roman wrote this It’s the beginning of February, and there are two things on your mind; spring break weeks away and Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. Whether you’ll be on the giving or receiving end of gifts, you’re in a scramble trying to make it right. In the days of growing social media, people can’t wait to posts pictures of their street corner bouquets and teddy bear baskets. And those without a Valentine will post endless TweeGrams about how they don’t care to see your lovely gifts. Oh yes, the 14th will forever be a day of turmoil for our country. On days like this, people can be too much and too worrisome. While you’re looking for someone to fill the cripplingly lonely hole in your life, your furry friend balled up on the couch next to you may be the best Valentine you can have. Reason #1: They’re loyal! You never have to question your pet’s loyalty. From the moment you walk in after a long day, they’re jumping, drooling, and ready to play. We bet your significant other doesn’t behave like this when you come home (Ed. note: You may need to upgrade your significant other if they do.). There’s a chance while you’re out another guy will try to hit on you, and the wimpy guy you’re with will be afraid. No matter how big or small your pet is, they will defend you to no end. Show them your appreciation for their loyalty. As you think about spending the day with your furry friend, ignore all negative thoughts. Yes you feed, bathe, groom, and clean after your pet so they’re supposed to be loyal. But imag-
ine doing that for your lover; it still won’t make them stay. Reason #2: They LOVE everything you give them! Worried about getting the perfect gift? You want it to be just right. It is your moment to impress your crush in your M/W 12:30 class. You’re going to spend countless hours searching for a gift that’s not too generic, but cheap enough for you to afford, and with the right amount of thought put into it. It’s all too much work. This becomes a tricky equation that can go all wrong. You risk spending too much of your hard-earned refund check on someone that may not make it past date number two. You have to order flowers and now figure out when she’ll be in the dorm room to get them. But your pet? You can give you pet a jizzed up old sock and they’ll love it! You may even consider rubbing his tummy an extra five minutes on this day! Who are you going to date that’s going to accept a tummy rub instead of some nice clothes? Give them a pig’s ear or a strip of bacon and THEY WILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH THEY’LL WANT TO BLOW THEIR LITTLE DOGGY BRAINS OUT! Face it, finding a good date, and buying them something meaningful for one day, is just too much work. Spend the day with the most loyal friend you will ever find at VCU. And if you don’t have a pet, then sit someone else’s while they go on a date . And remember, pets don’t complain or play guessing games, at least we think…
7.) Butterfinger Crunch: The laziest ice cream: a pint of vanilla ice cream with a candy bar mashed inside of it. But this one works great for your situation, because it’ll bring you back to happier times. You’ll think back to high school, when that cute girl or guy sent you a candygram every year. If they could only see you now: lonely, desperate, and looking for love advice in a satirical newspaper. 6.) Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream: So you’re down because you’re living the single life. Don’t fret; you can enjoy an ice cream cone without even leaving your house! Now you won’t be the single guy or girl crying in a booth in Crossroads. 5.) Haagen-Dazs’ Bailey’s Irish Cream: If you plan on getting completely sauced to combat your sorrow, why not get creative tonight? Bailey’s is already an amazing drink, but making it a frozen treat combines both conventional methods for dealing with depression, which will be a great change from blubbering for hours about your problems to a bartender who clearly isn’t interested because you’ve failed to tip him all night. 4.) Custom Sundae from Coldstone: The way they prepare the ice cream in front of you, flipping it around like chopped steak, is reminiscent of a chef at Benihana. It’ll be just like going to Benihana with a real date, except the only other people in the place will be a toddler with his dad, who’s checking stocks on his phone while the kid attempts a backflip off the counter. The point? The point is, you’re alone. 3.) Banana Split: Not exactly the sexual fantasy you had in mind, but at least you won’t have to clean the sheets afterward, or mash up a Plan B pill into anyone’s Fruit Loops.
2.) Homemade Cookie Dough: The plan: eat raw cookie dough, get salmonella, be carted off to the ER, nab yourself a sexy nurse/doctor, live happily ever after. Solid. 1.) President’s Choice Pink Lemonade: A percentage of the proceeds for a pint of this ice cream goes to help combat breast cancer. So you’ll be helping to save some ta-tas, even if you won’t be getting yours felt up tonight, or vice versa.
Lorenzo Simpson wrote this
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you could have sex with a dead person, who would it be? “Marlon Brando, from A Street Car Named Desire.” - Colleen W.
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damage control for the lazy boyfriend Leonard Ramone wrote this
Alright fellas, it’s almost Valentine’s Day and you don’t have shit to give your girlfriend. No dinner reservations, no flowers, no chocolates, no sappy mix-tapes, no super-cutesy little trinket that so perfectly ties in to that little inside joke you two share… you don’t have anything except an empty wallet and a staggering sense of soulcrushing shame. How does this girl even put up with seeing your lazy-ass, let alone letting you sleep with her? Hey, don’t panic! The Black Sheep has totally been here before, and we’re going to help you pull off some killer damage control with your poor lady friend. Getting out of this mess will take a little sweet talk and a shit-ton of lying, but we’re guessing that’s how you landed this totally-too-good-for-you girl to begin with. So let’s get to work. “Why dote on you just one day? I love you 365 days a year, babe.” Sounds cheesy, right? Sure, but you’ve got to get over that. It’s the season for cheese, and you’re the one who screwed it up in the first place. The strategy here is to make her feel like the two of you are special. You two transcend the petty holiday display of artificial affection -- you’re two star-crossed lovers locked in a passionate, eternal love story; the kind of love you can offer her (and frankly, love is the only thing your broke-ass can offer her) is something that can’t even be faithfully expressed in the short span of 24-hours. It’s fake and cheap, but so are you. Just be prepared to turn in to an ultra-Romeo for the next few weeks. But dammit, isn’t she worth it? Here’s a hint: If she’s dating you, she is. “Valentine’s Day is nothing but a vicious corporate marketing ploy.” Even better! In some sense, it’s absolutely true. We all know Valentine’s Day is a goddamn conspiracy between Nestle, Hallmark
greeting cards and a shadowy group of Mad Men-esque advertising wizards designed to rob you of your beer money and send you to the annual relationship doghouse. Moreover, this line has the double appeal of making you seem smarter (“…Wow, he’s so socially conscious!”) and her seem more special than the average onenight-stand (“…Wow, he’s not pulling the old clichés on me!”) But of course, it takes a certain finesse to pull this maneuver off. If you don’t normally moonlight as a pretentious, campus anarchist type, she’ll see right through the ruse. Plus this isn’t the 1960’s – you can’t talk down to girls about corporate culture – they know all about it, and they still want the free shit they’re entitled to. And god bless ‘em for it. “I totally got you the most bomb-ass surprise… just wait a few more days.” There’s nothing more beautiful than the frantic, puredesperation lie. Sure, it can work in the heat of the moment. But this is a double-edged sword - you avoid the initial Valentine’s Day letdown, but every day you put it off you’re roughly doubling the expectation-value from your poor boo. Lying about your gift/surprise/ sex offering saves face for now… but can you walk the walk? If you’re not clever enough to jerry-rig a significant romantic gesture in a few days you’re just digging yourself deeper into the hole of shame. It’s a bold lie that buys you time. But if you can’t deliver on your empty promise… you might not have to worry about future Valentine’s Day conundrums like this. Welcome to the single life! And of course that’s what we’re trying to avoid. That’s why we at The Black Sheep work tirelessly to help you (and us) save a little face from our romantic fuck-ups. Valentine’s Day is a stupid relationship test that brings untold stress to us hundreds of happily committed
bros who dutifully hold our ladies’ hair back when they make that weekly Friday night visit to the porcelain god. But whether it’s fair or not, this is the time where we have to prove just how goddamn better we are than the Johnny six-pack she could easily meet at the bar. So let’s get it right, guys. After all, she’s the one who still puts up with our sorry asses.
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how i met your mother
... on facebook graph search.
Kids, it was winter of 2013, when I met your mother. After a rough night spent at Cindy’s apartment, I knew the girl I was after, but only had a few clues to track her down. Something about the mystery behind your mom enticed me, we were so compatible, yet I had never met her. I knew she lived in New York, and hoped she was single, but nothing else. It’s an impossible feeling to describe – knowing the love of your life is so close, but impossibly far at the same time. Marshall and Lily were blessed to find each other in their youth, but I was growing older and lonelier by the second. While preparing for yet another night of futile Google and Facebook searches for “Where is the one I love,” “How to avoid being alone forever,” and “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you” Facebook alerted to me to their newest feature: Graph Search. It told me I could find just about anyone based on their interests, who they’re loosely associated with, and where they have been. Kids, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! All I had to do was let Facebook find all the single girls in New York. So, let me tell you how I met your mother…
laptop dimmed as did my hopes of finding my future wife. Should I stop here, give up my search, and dig out the naked pictures of Robin I stashed away so many years ago? No! This is the quest for true love. This is the woman I love, the woman who will give me two children, raise them with me until they’re roughly teenagers, then make herself scarce for the next eight years as I tell those children the story of how I met her. She won’t have kids to weigh her down, or an exhusband who will steal her away from me at the altar, and she won’t dress up like a slutty pumpkin and leave me hanging at the same damn Halloween party year after year. I’ve silently waited around for girls my whole life, been the nice guy, done incredibly creepy things for them that seem romantic because I emphasize words like “future” and “fate.” I had to dig into my inner-Mosby mole. I had to find my one true love. That’s it! I know what I should do! I should just search what I like, because my future wife will like all the things I expect her to! Females in New York who are 28, college educated, likes dogs, North Carolina, bass guitar, the New York Times crossword, tennis, old movies, lasagna, Love in the Time of Cholera, Otis Redding, and wants a boy and a girl in the near future.
After sifting through hours worth of girls who just didn’t seem to be the right fit – didn’t feel right in my heart -- I decided I had to narrow it down. But how? How was I ever to find my future wife in the largest city in the world? Then I remembered the three objects I had picked up in Cindy’s apartment in a futile attempt to show her how compatible we were. No longer did I have to find out a person’s interests through actual conversation! No need to hang around local bookstores waiting for a girl to show up and miraculously start proclaiming her love for T.C. Boyle, no need to plan elaborate two minute dates with some girl just to see if they like Star Wars as much as me! All I had to do was lock myself in my room, pop on the perfect song to make an otherwise meaningless moment meaningful, and find my future wife on the computer!
Then, kids, I had a stroke of genius! I added another filter – I’m friends with Cindy and she must be too! So I searched that those girls should be friends, or friends of friends, with Cindy! So there she was, kids. Facebook had led me to your mother. What was going to be another night of dry-pumping and subsequent crying, turned into the night Facebook found me the perfect woman – one who meets and exceeds my excruciatingly high standards. A woman who won’t like me for me, but will like me because she is me.
How am I supposed to find true love in such a wide pool? I must be able to narrow it down, I must dig deeper. There must be more to my true love than these three simple interests. Surely I’ve been interested in people with personalities that take more than three words to describe? If only I had snapped a picture of her ankle then done a reverse image search - No! Get your head straight Mosby! The glow of my
we interview: justin grant wade We caught up with STEVE HOLT!... er, Justin Grant Wade, the actor who play(s/ed?) Steve Holt in the greatest show in history, Arrested Development. We had a few cocktails and the interview ran long, so be sure to check out the extended version online to see who he thinks is funnier: David Cross or Will Arnett, what the set of Greek was like, and if he ever banged Maeby. By: Quinn The Black Sheep: How long were you an actor before you got the role of Steve Holt? Justin Grant Wade: I started acting after my mom and dad were notified by my baseball coaches (and noticed themselves) how much I was a knucklehead on AND off the baseball field growing up. My mom decided to sign me up for acting class around the age of twelve. It was a summer kids course at the South Coast Repertory. I was terrified at first but then quickly adapted and continued to take classes there for many years. After that, I attended the Orange County High School of the Arts in California. That’s where I began to grow and appreciate the arts. I didn’t start “professionally” acting, though, until the age of 14 or 15. And by that I mean going out for TV shows and movies, having a manager and agent and whatnot. TBS: What was the audition process? Did they just ask you to say “Steve Holt!” Or did you have more lines? JGW: Funny story. Life comes around, man. I got the call from the casting director from Arrested. They were having trouble casting the role. A casting director that had worked with the casting of Frasier and many other shows I had auditioned for mentioned my name. She had seen me in a production at South Coast Repertory (that’s why I never knock theater!). They had already had four or five audition rounds when I showed up. It came down to a short brown haired kid with a mop top, about a 6’5” Asian fellow in a varsity jacket, and me. You could hear everyone’s reading through the walls but of course couldn’t see. Pretty much everything you see in “Bringing Up Buster” from season one was read. It seemed as though there wasn’t a lot of laughing. I went last. Six people looking at me. Never met ‘em before that day. All of a sudden I’m doing my read and they’re laughing - even after the audition. We said our goodbyes and a LONG 3 days of anticipation later, I had the part. The industry’s funny like that. TBS: What are some projects you’re working on right now? JGW: Right now I’m continuing to audition and keep on acting. I’ve been working on some writing stuff with some buddies of mine. They’re in the industry, and kind of all over the place so it’s fun to have actors, writers, dp’s, directors and producers all coming together to write and they all have something else to bring to the table. But until then, the new Arrested project is a big goal and that’s fine with me. TBS: How did the Save Steve Holt campaign begin, and where has it gone since? Has it been successful? JGW: I guess I have to start with the latter of the questions. I do know what will be going on with Steve Holt. UNFORTUNATELY, myself, and you included my dear friend Quinn, will be kept from knowing. Think of it as we’re the rubber suit guys from American Horror Story and we can’t unzip our creepy fetish shit until May. The SSH campaign pretty much began as a joke with my buddy Robert Adamson. He’s a fantastic visual/artistic designer and fan of Arrested. He REALLY wanted to get me back on the show at all costs, so he designed the site with our buddy Nick Blancharte. I pretty much sat in the wings while they created t-shirt designs, an entire website, art pieces, business cards, etc... It was crazy. All of a sudden, I wake up one morning and he’s texting me that we’ve already been in the Huffington Post, CNN, and a bunch others. Our Facebook fans shot from 60 or so to 2,000. The web can be nutty sometimes. None of us expected that. Next thing you know we’re shipping t-shirts from AZ to NY to Australia. TBS: I imagine people constantly shout “Steve Holt” at you, what’s the most awkward encounter you’ve had with a “STEVE HOLT!” fan? JGW: The funniest would have to be on a treadmill at the gym one time with my gal pal, Brooke. We were finishing up a good work out and we hear something. She said, “Did someone just yell?” Then we hear it more clearly, “STEVE HOLT!!!!” We turned near the door and there were two dudes with shocked faces that were giggling like little girls. I laughed and waved. They gave me the obligatory “Right on, man!” and quickly bounced. Brooke then turned to me and asked, “Do you know who that was?!” I said, “I don’t know. Obviously a big fan of the show!” She laughed and said, “Yeah! But that was (some guy I can’t remember his name). He’s the one that was obsessed with me and asked me to homecoming like 3 years in a row!” I did remember then, and we had a good laugh. Seeing how we went to high school together. TBS: What was your most memorable on-set moment? JGW: A few good ones – too many to count though. Definitely having the conversation with Alia [Shawkat]’s mom and Michael Cera’s mom before I kissed her daughter. Ali’s first kiss EVER was Michael. I was 19 or so at the time, and was watching from the back of the auditorium we were filming in, unbeknownst to me that the lovely parents were sitting in the row directly in front of me. They asked, “And who do you play?” I said, “STEVE HOLT!” They laughed and said, “Oh wow. So YOU’RE the one that’ll be kissing my little girl! I’m keepin’ an eye on you!” She was of course kidding (but not really) [laughs]. It went off without a hitch and we all know how the kissing cousins ended up... until the new season. See his second favorite moment on theblacksheeponline.com! It has to do with David Cross!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
community Thursday, February 7th at 8pm on NBC
In the 4th season premiere of the cult show that's on the perpetual verge of cancellation, Community is friggin' back! Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) devises a way for students to compete for class space, while Abed (Danny Pudi) stresses about the study group breaking up after graduation. And lucky for us, Chevy Chase is still in the season (save for two episodes)! #SaveCommunity
Side Effects In theaters february 8th
Life is hard, but prescription drugs make it a lot better. When a woman (Rooney Mara) starts taking them to deal with the anxiety of her sexy husband (Channing Tatum) getting released from jail, she realizes that the side effects of said prescription drugs aren't so much fun. Directed by Steven Soderbergh, this film also stars sexy Jude Law and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Sexy, sexy, sexy.
Azealia Banks - Broke with Expensive Taste Out February 12th
Miss Azealia Banks blew up on the Internet last winter with her single "212," making her memorable with her big smile, pearly whites and slick-witted rhymes. She had been relatively silent since then, but is now breaking out with her debut studio album Broke with Expensive Taste. This'll be the test to see if she's more than just a cute girl in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt spitting raunchy lyrics.
bartender of the week haley p. the local How long have you been bartending: One year
What’s your karaoke song: Something by Earth, Wind, & Fire
Favorite drink recipe: Pink taco - Raz vodka + sour mix + splash of cranberry and Sprite
Life motto: “Shit Happens.”
Favorite shot: Vegas bomb - Crown Royal + peach and you drop it into a Red Bull
Guilty pleasure: I literally eat dessert everyday.
Have you invented any drink recipes yourself? Yeah, Haley’s Comet: Melon vodka + sour mix + Sprite + a splash of grenadine “I dare you” recipe: A bear fight, Irish car bomb immediately followed by a Jaeger bomb.
Favorite phrase: “You wont!”
Ever met anyone famous: Yes, Vanna White, when I was a little girl, and Mary Tyler Moore. If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: Paul Rudd What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When people yell my name.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Hockey fans everywhere are boozing hard and celebrating the end of the lockout. At the same time, the bandwagon fans are still asking what a lockout is. Pregaming with some puck guarantees a great night.
Everyone has experienced that awful moment at the pregame when you realize you brought the booze but forgot the chaser. Forget the two liter of Sprite and add some sweet flavor to your cheap, crappy vodka in a different way. Cavity vodka is a great way to get rid of that Burnett’s laying in your freezer you have yet to have the desire to drink or even look at.
What You’ll Need: A fifth and a case for every 2-3 players. Number of Players: As many as you can find who truly like hockey. So, not many. Level of Intoxication: You’ll have a nice buzz on before the last one sounds.
What You’ll Need: A handle of plain Burnett’s or any cheap vodka and a bag of your favorite kind of fruity or sour candies (Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, Mike and Ikes, Starburst). Cook Time: At least 24 hours. Be patient. Fatty Factor: Won’t cause you any heart attacks, but you should probably visit your dentist soon.
Pregame With Some Puck
How To Play: - Take a shot of beer for every offside or icing call. - Beer bong or shotgun a beer for every fight. - Chug five seconds for every minute of penalty. - Take a shot at the end of every period. - Take a shot of beer for every shot on goal. - Take a shot for every goal. - Take two shots for every time the goalie accidentally knocks the puck in. - Take a shot for every goal your team won or lost by. The Game Ends When: When the game ends. Duh.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Place the candy at the bottom of a large container or sort out evenly into smaller containers. - Pour vodka into the containers over the candy, leaving at least three inches at the top. - Shake the container well. - Let the container sit for at least a day; however, you will get better results if you let it sit longer, but no longer than one week. - Shake the container once in awhile so the candies’ flavors can continue to mix well with the vodka. - Drink up! The only restriction is not to use any chocolate candies. That’s just gross, man.
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Romance at its finest: college edition Zoë Kremke wrote this T’was the morning of Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, when I awoke next to my girlfriend. She was the epitome of beauty, her face covered in drool and her nostrils flaring with snoring vibrations that kept me up most of the night. I woke her up, as I do every morning, by leaving a mug of slightly burnt coffee on the nightstand next to her wheezing, drooling face. But since this morning was special I put a dash of creamer I stole from IHOP in the coffee to mask the burning aroma! I took a lukewarm shower while the love of my life brushed her teeth and went through her typical “mascara-only” makeup routine. But wait, today she pulled out all the fancy stops—today she put on Chapstick. Such a small gesture, one that I knew she had put extreme amounts of thought into, just to make me, and maybe my penis, happy on this wonderful day. As we ate our usual breakfast of a few-days-expired blueberry yogurt and off-brand cereal, I felt the rays of winter sunlight, as weak as a Spider’s ejaculate, stream through the window and catch the split ends of her brown hair. We soon parted ways - her going to class and I gallivanting off to watch an entire season of Rock of Love, eating bags upon bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and neglecting any and all work I had to do for school, my internship, or otherwise. All of this in order to better focus my energy on thinking about her for every waking moment of this blessed V-Day. Upon my sweet lady’s return, she drank a cup of water, sprung from the dirty fountain of the sink (only the best for my love); then she took a nap. I decided to take advantage of her slumber to get reacquainted with “Hand-gel-ina Jolie” during shower #2 of the day. Then I made us some scrumptious cuisine: Easy Mac garnished with table pepper I stole from Ram’s and served in microwave-tarnished ZooPals bowls. She looked utterly ravishing in the flickering light of the TV, as we sat on the couch and finished up Rock of Love. We kept talking to a minimum, preferring to keep to our own thoughts, and ate in a silence drenched with tenderness only comfortable, cholesterol-ridden love can provide.
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The fire of passion between us was unmistakable as she changed into her worn-in velour tracksuit to do homework while I researched how to solve our impending fruit fly problem. She lovingly wiped Cheeto cheese from my sweatpants and reminded me to take out the trash on my way out tomorrow morning. I returned her doting sentiment by advising she pick up milk and more cheese sticks tomorrow, since we were out of both and since dairy is the key to my heart. The love scrawled between the lines of our words inevitably led us back to the couch where we quickly dove under a blanket—obviously in order to watch the latest episode of The Voice that we had recorded form the night before. What an episode it was! We were both so exuberant upon its ending that we agreed we deserved an early bedtime right after we treated each other to, you guessed it, ice cream. We even got a little bad and kinky—and covered it in chocolate sprinkles and caramel sauce! Decompressing from all that frozen dairy, I wandered aimlessly around the kitchen while she went to bed. By the time I crawled into bed she had fallen asleep, which I didn’t mind. There was love in the air as I crawled next to her, mostly because since she was sleeping and I now exercised the sweet relief of farting. “Now that’s true love,” I thought as I kissed her cheek and fell asleep, my heart all-aflutter with the promise of another fairytale day awaiting me tomorrow.
EvEry Thursday 8:00 PM - 10:00 PM
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As a child it was hard to tell your crush that you "choo-choo-choose" him, or you want her to "bee yours," but that's why there were cheap, perforated pieces of cardboard to do your work for you. As we've grown, our tastes have changed, but our childish demeanors have remained the same. We wanted these Valentine's Day cards to reflect that.
the madlib: my valentine’s day I may not have a significant other today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a kick-___1___ Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s just another ___2___ or whatever the hell day it even is. I have my own traditions that I don’t need no ___3___ tearin’ up my ___4___ and shit, not to mention my ___5___ . I start my day like any normal ___6___ -esque badass like myself would start a day, with a ___7___-wrapped ___8___ and a side of ___9___ chips drizzled with ___10___ , and, for dessert, ___11___ and ___12___ pie. Then I head to my favorite bar, The ___13___ ___14___ . It doesn’t take long before I down a shot or 12 of ___15___ , start groping the ___16___ bartender and shouting on about ___17___ and ___18___ ’s-rights. I end my morning over to the strip club, The ___19___ ___20___. I always get a dance from my girl ___21___ ___22___ , my precious girl. I rarely make it long at the strip club because I’ve never been good at holding my liquor. Good ole’ bouncer ___23___ who could be ___24___ ’s scarier twin gets me a cab, and I make my way home. I roll a fatty of ___25___ , put on some porn, and spend the rest of my day in heaven. I love Valentine’s Day. 7) Deli Meat 8) Cut of Steak 9) Flavor 10) Dressing 11) Exotic Fruit 12) Type of Meat
1) Body Part 2) Weekday 3) Derogatory Female Term 4) Body Part 5) Vital Organ 6) Action Star
13) Hair Color 14) Nationality 15) Fruity Liqueur 16) Old Age 17) Controversial Political Topic 18) Group of People
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Published on Feb 6, 2013