Page 1

Vol. 6, Issue 3



4/17/14 - 4/30/14


EASTER EGGS AROUND CAMPUS LORENZO THE MANCHILD WROTE THIS Easter eggs are the reason people hunt down specific McDonald’s (year-round Shamrock Shakes!), break every box in Infamous, and wait until the VERY END of a Marvel movie. Here are some hidden goodies around campus you probably didn’t even know were a thing. 10.) Jonah’s Sammiches: Take a 10-15 minute bus ride on the Campus Connector and you’ll run into Jonah’s, the lesserknown, but superior younger brother to Shafer. Their make-your-own station has over five kinds of meats, cheeses, veggies, sauces, and bread! They’ll also toast anything you ask for! 9.) Commons Pencil Sharpener: Racing to your exam and the pencil you were carrying straight-up broke in your tightass jeggings? If so, the Info Desk at the Commons has a sweet pencil sharpener at your disposal. It’s ok now; you’ll make it to your exam without having to ask a stranger for a pencil, take deep breaths. 8.) Energy Drink Haven: Watch the Compass closely, a group of Red Bull reps will be driving around in a Bullmobile(no, it doesn’t have wings). If you manage to catch them stopping, they’ll toss you a free Red Bull, sugar-packed or not. It’s more of a hand, not a toss. 7.) Shaferwave: You’re familiar with the other side of Shafer, right? The side you sit on so no one sees that you came by your-

self, prompting hurtful high school flashbacks? Well, if you have the self-esteem to venture to the other side, you will find...a microwave! Now you don’t have to wait for a fresh batch of whatever you were shoveling down. 6.) Classroom Screening!: Are you coocoo for Khaleesi puffs? Pay close attention to the VCU HBO Facebook page(s), and you might see an open invitation to a Game of Thrones screening in one of the classrooms at the Temple Building. It’s so beautiful to see those big screens finally put to good use. 5.) UEFA! UEFA! UEFA!: If you’re a futbol fanatic, stroll through Rodney’s on a cool afternoon, and the big screen will be rolled down, playing soccer matches from all around the globe. Welcome to your new place to kick it. 4.) Pimp My Essay: This shouldn’t be an Easter egg, since your English teacher has talked about this place ad nauseum, but for some reason people can’t seem to find the Writing Center when it’s time to turn in a gradable paper. Just schedule a time or walk into the first floor of Hibbs, and get this — they’ll help you edit your work! 3.) Rec the Mic: As long as you’ve got your VCU ID on you, you can sign up for free recreational sessions at the Cary Street Gym. From cycling to Insanity, you can swipe your way to that dream body

for the summer. And, y’know, girls in yoga pants will be there, so...get on that.

etry, back flip, whatever! It’s a perfect way to get rid of a bad case of the Mondays.

2.) Get Free: Slam Nahuatl hosts open mic nights every other Monday night at the Nile at 8:30p.m. Sing, dance, recite po-

1.) Dude...Sweet!: Sugar Shack Donuts is just awesome, mainly because of their badass Maple Bacon Donut. But it gets








better if you follow them on Facebook. A couple times a week they’ll hand out free donuts if you show up wearing something unique, like a tattoo, a Beatles t-shirt, or a phat mug. Free. Donuts.

PAGES 10-11



>> CAMPUS MANAGER Kenneth Jordan EDITORIAL MANAGER Lorenzo Simpson ADVERTISING MANAGERS Tyler Harvey WRITERS Lorenzo Simpson, Julie Gassaway Nathan Heintschel, Kalsey Hanratty Sabrina Fuller, Elena Correa SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Nathan Heintschel

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CARTOONIST Anna Blackburn


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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.







A student who finishes his test so fast, the professor can’t help but wonder how he cheated. “’Yeah, this one dipshit finished my calc exam so fast,’ Professor Boneson noted, ‘that I’m sure he’s a cheatah, I just haven’t caught him yet.’”








THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: SLAM NAHUATL We met up with some of the members of Slam Nahuatl, VCU’s own slam poetry team, who recently won second in the nation in the College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational tournament. We picked the brains of Rob Gibsun, Josh Braunstein, Shay Patrick, Ray Johnson, and Brittney Maddox. TBS: Rob, you’re the Vice President, right? Rob: I am the founder of the organization, but I’m not the-Josh: He’s the coach of the team, our President (Saidu) is missing. Shay: He’s in rehearsal-Josh: He’s on the back of a milk carton. TBS: You guys nabbed the Spirit award at this year’s College Poetry Slam Invitational. Which poet, dead or alive, would you most like to drink spirits with? Rob: Like sippin’ spirits?

drunk with him-- you know, drunk people just tell you the best fucking stories. So I feel like Ernest Hemingway would have some badass stories...gettin’ lubricated. Rob: I would like to drink spirits with Maya Angelou. She represents everything that isn’t drinking spirits, and just to see what kind of knowledge she would kick when she’s real, real free. TBS: Next up, who is the most annoying in the group? *Ray raises hand* Shay: Ray. Josh: Ray. Rob: Ray. Brittney: Ray. Ray: Yeah, I’m the freshman in the group. And I talk too much, I ALWAYS talk too much. *Shay agreeing, nods*

TBS: Yeah. Josh: Oh, Ernest Hemingway.

TBS: Wow. That was much less controversial than I thought it was going to be. Ray: It is what it is.

TBS: Why? Josh: Probably, just because I feel he was such a good storyteller in his writing that I feel like, getting

TBS: So, we heard your flight back got delayed, describe your freak-out moment. Shay: It was just me, Saidu, and

Shanaz, all the flights that the school booked, so...that’s how that went. It was the worst...I was hungry. Basically, they told us since our flight was delayed, they took us off the Boston flight, so we had to find a way to get from New York to DC so our coach could pick us up. TBS: So, he had to drive from Richmond to DC to pick you guys up? Shay: Yeah. Josh: And we had class and shit. TBS: The judges must have been tough. What TV show judge would you have picked to replace one of them? Ray: Oh, shit. ELLEN. Wait, does she have to be a judge? Rob: Yes, he said ‘judge’ multiple times. Shay: I’ll say Paula. Josh: Is Usher okay? Ray: Yeah, that’ll work...that way we’ll get good scores. Shay: It’s not about the scores... It’s about the heart. Ray: Are you serious? Shay: YES! TBS: Have you ever had one of those stereotypical Russian-

type judges? Josh: Not really, but they really voice their opinion in their score...Shay experienced that. TBS: Really, what happened? Shay: Well it doesn’t really matter now but, basically, I did a poem about appropriation. Mainly white appropriation into black culture, and the judge was a white girl, and she got...I feel like if it’s not you, you shouldn’t get offended, but she did get offended. But it goes to show, your words affect people, negatively and positively. TBS: What would be your codename? Ray: *Rubs hands* can I go? Shay: Mine would be, ”Black.” Rob: How would you spell it? Shay: The way it’s spelled in the dictionary. Josh: Cassius Fade. And... Ray: Remington Steelflex. Brittney: Can it be a bird or something? TBS: Yeah, it’s your codename. You can be whatever you want. Brittney: I would say Sparrow, ‘cause that’s my favorite bird. Rob: I would be GibSunny

Delight. But it would just be the D’, like GibSunny The Light. TBS: So like Chance...THE Rapper. Ray: AAH! AAH! TBS: What’s the craziest thing someone’s yelled out in response to a line? Ray: The craziest? “That’s bae.” TBS: “That’s bae?” Josh: We were just laughing about that, yeah. Shay: I always get, “YAAAAAS!” Ray: “SLAAAAY!” Josh: Yeah, this kid from Rutgers would always go, “Right...right right, talk about it!’ He would say that phrase over and over again. Ray: I think we adapt to whatever is the most common. Like, Shay started ”SLAY!”, and y’know people are like, “say ‘SLAY!’ now!” Josh: Yeah, that’s a thing now. TBS: What real life coach does Rob remind you of? Ray: Son, every show into one! Josh: I know this is gonna sound kinda lame because we’re from VCU, but Rob reminds me of Shaka Smart. Because he’s a

student of the game, but he can do it. Like, Shaka Smart played college basketball. Rob proved that he can do it at a high level and now he’s teaching others to reach that level. TBS: 10 years from now, you sign over your rights to the group. Who plays you in a feature film? Josh: My twin brother Daniel. He’s a theatre performance major! Rob: Michael B. Jordan. Ray: Ah, I wanted him! Ok...

Denzel. Brittney: I’ll say Keke Palmer. Shay: She’s perdy. For me, I don’t know; I’m just too original. Josh: Oprah? Shay: Absolutely NOT OPRAH! Brittney: Taraji P. Henson? Ray: YOOO... Shay: I like her. I like her attitude. She’s so feisty. You can find the group on Facebook and Instagram at Slam Nahuatl at VCU, on Twitter at @ slamnahuatl, and on Youtube at Slam Nahuatl.



353-8885 en until 2am


1800 Hours – Corner of W. Franklin and Shafer St. There has been a sighting of a large biped mammal on VCU Campus. Unconfirmed reports to the Richmond Police Department claim the subject is a sixfoot bunny with massively bloodshot eyes and dreads that cover most of its face. Witnesses assert that the subject was hopping about, distributing marijuana in plastic Easter eggs to students on campus. Witnesses were obviously high as balls however, and police are currently awaiting further (and more reliable) confirmation sightings. 1830 Hours – 1100 Block West Grace St. Second sighting of biped mammal. Police noticed what appeared to be voluminous smoke billowing out of an alley. Upon further investigation, officers discovered a group of students, along with said mammal, smoking out of a giant Easter egg that had been converted into smoking paraphernalia. Officers were unable to apprehend the animal, but some of the youths have been held for questioning. Statement taken appears below. 1840 Hours – Interview with Student in VCU Holding “Uh, so what are we talking about? Oh right, that giant rabbit thing. Yo, do you

Grand openinG Happy Hour every day 4:30-7pm Lunch 11-2:30pm

ASiAn FuSion - SuSHi

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Dinner 4:30-11pm Thurs-Sat open until 2am

lev elr es tau ran tba r.c om

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have any Doritos? No? Shit. Well, that’s my boy Chiefer Bunny; he rolls through ‘round Easter, throws us some bombass buds then dipsets, man. That’s all I know, you have any snack packs though? Like those ones with the crackers and the little cheese and shit? Or Lunchables. Oh man, Lunchables.” 2000 Hours – Shafer Food Court Police notified after large bunny is noticed eating straight from the salad bar. Students, however, did not seem disturbed. Related note: Virtually all students in Shafer Dining Court appeared to have bright red, sunken eyes, and at least three of them tried to solicit a sale of marijuana from undercover cops on the scene. One officer reported feeling a bit woozy after leaving, with doctors on the scene diagnosing it as a “contact high.” 2010 Hours – Police have received relevant information regarding the “Chiefer Bunny” Criminal informants working closely with the department have informed us that the suspect in question is offering many different strains of marijuana including “OG Peeps,”“Jellybean Kush” and “Hip-Hopping Haze.” According to CIs, the subject only comes out once a year, around Easter, to spread the spirit of Bob Marley and

s thi ff!* n o o nti t $10 e M ge d n a ad

get people “smacked as shit.” 2100 Hours - Chiefer Bunny has been upgraded to Public Enemy Number 1 Police Bulletin: The Chiefer Bunny is now the main focus of Richmond and VCU PD. All current cases on the docket, including all murders, homicides, and armed robberies will be placed on indefinite halt until Public Enemy #1 is placed under arrest. However, PETA has informed the Richmond Police Department that if we use force to apprehend the bunny, they plan on throwing lots of red paint on us, so let’s try to save on our dry cleaning bill this year, you guys, and bring him in unharmed. 2400 Hours – I95 Southbound Police report final sighting of suspect fleeing Richmond via I95. Police attempted to give chase, but became confused after getting lost in the massive cloud of smoke following the Chiefer Bunny’s pimped-out Escalade as it screeched away into the night. Richmond appears to be resuming normal activities, although a student was sighted the next day on his hands and knees, chasing a small rabbit. Witnesses say the subject chased the rabbit for the better part of a mile, attempting to coax it into giving him free weed.


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This year, Easter falls on another highly religious, widely celebrated holiday: 4/20. But that doesn’t mean you have to pick one or the other. Why not just combine the two of ‘em and have one kick-ass lazy Sunday afternoon? After all, we easily found 10 things that are much more enjoyable when you’re stoned. 10.) Attending a Family Party: Ugh, your Uncle Kevin is a total creep and Grandma Jean won’t stop asking if you have a girlfriend yet. Luckily, toking in the bathroom will kill a good 15 minutes. When you get back out there, you’ll be too sleepy and blazed to even notice or care. “Yeah, Aunt Laura, well it looks like you put on some weight too.”

SHAFER FOOD: BAD TASTE REALIZED ALI BEE WROTE THIS Once upon a time, people actually enjoyed Shafer dining. The pizza wasn’t shipped from Canada and the cereal was replaced daily. Of course, all good things come to an end and we just have to accept the reality of shitty Shafer food. Ponder this scenario. Dill and Ellis were eating a friendly meal in Shafer when a debate broke out while dining. Dill, a sober freshman, claimed he’d rather eat a bucket of toenails before taking one more bite of that pizza. Ellis, a not-so-sober sophomore devoured his slice in thirty-seven seconds, a record, ready for the next pizza to be taken out of the brick oven. “Shafer pizza really isn’t even pizza. It’s a triangular slice of grease that’s just waiting to seep through our pores,” Dill argued while gulping down a glass of orange juice. Ellis rebutted with a “No! this pizza is like a journey to a new galaxy. Each bite is filled with a new sensation. I think I’m Captain Kirk! Mr. Spock!” Although Ellis’ statement didn’t necessarily make sense, Dill kept listening. “If I had to give Shafer a rating, it would get five blun—er, stars, hands down. Their omelets are on point with a great choice of toppings, the sausage links are to die for even when they’re cold from sitting in the window for too long, and the soup tastes like winning the frickin’ lottery!” Dill took into account Ellis’ high state of mind and tried to understand what was so damn different about his taste buds. When he drew his fifth blank, he continued forcing his hotdog down his throat, remembering even more reasons why


Shafer is not a reliable food source. He suggested Ellis eat the food when he’s not baked to see if his senses are clouded or if he is just, well, abnormal. After a week of thinking about it, Ellis finally decided to test out Dill’s theory. He let the drugs escape his body as best he could and made his way to the round, brick building. His nerves kicked in as he began his journey up the spiral staircase and handed the kind woman his VCUCard to swipe him into paradise. Everything seemed different in Ellis’ mind. The dining hall seemed gloomy and the workers weren’t as cheery anymore. He grabbed a plate with Dill by his side and nabbed some Chinese noodles with beef, his go-to meal while waiting for his pizza to be made. Dill sat across from him and studied his face as Ellis held the long noodle in front of it. It dangled as he tried to whirl it around his fork. Finally, after three tries he deposited the beef and noodles into his mouth with a smile on his face. Again, Dill waited for any sign of dissatisfaction and found it as Ellis spat his noodles right back on the plate. Dill bit down hard on his lip, trying to contain his excitement of righteousness as he watched Ellis’ world crumple in front of him, “So it sucks, right?” Dill challenged Ellis with a shitty, righteous grin. Ellis decided from now on he would not step foot into this foreign building without first ascending via the green elevator. He concluded three blunts a day would keep bad tastes away. One does not simply enjoy a meal at Shafer… without being high.

9.) Taking Pictures with the Easter Bunny: Hopefully you’ve grown out of this stage by now, but if you’re stuck taking photos with your siblings, you’re gonna need help ignoring all the whining and squirming. We suggest to not smoking too much though, that bunny suit is going to get more nightmarishly creepy with every puff. 8.) Shoving Cadbury Eggs and Jelly Beans into Your Mouth: So many flavors and colors and textures. Why wouldn’t you wanna get high before this delicious candy feast? Frito-Lay wishes they could satisfy the munchies like pounds on pounds of melting chocolate. 7.) Hunting for Easter Eggs: This tradition can get a little competitive, so you should probably chill out a bit before you lay out your 10-year-old cousin over the egg hiding in the rose bush. It’s all about sharing with the family, man, and seeing the children smile. Eggs are just material shit. You don’t need that. 6.) Putting on Your Sunday’s Best: Easter requires bonnets and ties and dress shirts and skirts—not necessarily the most comfortable attire. But when you’re high as a kite, everything feels like you’re in your birthday suit. Just don’t actually go out anywhere naked. That’ll lead to some truly awkward family photos at grandma’s later on. 5.) Going to Church: What with all the premarital sex you’ve been having, you already feel guilty enough and a little paranoid that the priest is gonna set you on fire. Not only will a little weed ease the tension, but it’ll bring you a lot closer to the Big Man upstairs. You can actually see him, you know? It’s like he’s right there, speaking into your soul… 4.) Putting a Peep in the Microwave: It gets you every time. “There’s no way, absolutely no way it’s gonna explode! Oh my God, dude! Dude! Look at it go! Look! Look! Hell yeah, little Peep! Blow your shit! Yeah! Hey, let me get another hit of that.” 3.) Slicing into the Lamb Cake: A cute little yellow cake, shaped like a baby lamb, covered in vanilla frosting and coconut shavings, nestled in a bed of jelly beans. When sober, watching someone take the first slice is a little gruesome and disheartening. But once you’re high, you find the whole thing “totally cool,” like, that’s the way God would have wanted it, dude. 2.) Digging Through Your Easter Basket: When you’re stoned, it’s a never-ending basket of sugary goodness and green, plastic-y strands of grass. Just please don’t try to smoke them. They won’t get you high … just poisoned and dead. 1.) Dying Easter Eggs: There’s nothing trippier than this. Dipping eggs into little bowls of color, and then seeing them emerge something totally new and bright. You can keep changing them and changing them until your heart is content or they turn an inevitable shit-brown. You can make them tie-dye or striped or polka-dotted or nothing at all. Either way, you just can’t look away…



“Are you still able to get it on?”

Katie, Sophomore

“You’re a DILF.”

Francesca, Freshman

“What year are you? You look like you’re in college.”


He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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Freshman Smokes Out of Ram Horns for Good Luck ALI BEE WROTE THIS

Like most schools, VCU is home to some important trinket — something that you touch or kiss or just spread germs around to make you feel important and give you luck. Some schools use this statue for exam week, “touch me and you will ace your exam,” or sporting events, “kiss the bear and we’ll win the championship.” However, VCU goes above and beyond all those shenanigans. According to Juan, a freshman here at VCU, he has found the Ram Horns to be the best good luck charm out of all other university charms across the nation. It all started a few days before exam week when Juan lost focus on his PSYCH 101 paper upon the realization that he’d have to begin studying for the rest of his exams soon. The pressure was on and his study skills were growing weary. After selling the last few Adderall pills he owned and drinking away all of his dining dollars at Starbucks, he thought there was no hope. He concluded that his only option was to drop out and follow his family’s footsteps into sheep herding. He

paced his room thinking of other alternatives. He couldn’t fall into his cousin’s footsteps no matter how much he enjoyed prancing with the sheep on nice summer days. Juan rushed out of his room, heading for the door of his apartment to find some sign that could possibly cure his anxiety. He stopped abruptly and focused his attention to the coffee table. There sat his roommate’s bong sitting next to a small bag with just the thing he needed; the relaxer that would shift all of his attention the tasks at hand. He looked left and right, nervous; he’d never smoked chronic before. He reached down to pick up the piece—a real shiny 2-foot piece with a few chambers—and, nervous hands slippery with sweat, watched it tumble to the ground, shattering into hundreds of indiscernibly small pieces. Gasping, he took another look around. No one in sight. Without hesitation he quickly grabbed the bag and scurried out of Johnson bare-

foot. There was no way in hell he could go back now. It was dark outside and the only light came from the full moon shining directly on the Ram Horns. His face lit up with joy as he stared at the enchanted horns that would lead him back to his dreams of becoming a surgeon and away from the idea of grooming sheep. After checking his surroundings he made his way up the few steps and released the green beauty into the dark void of the horn. With one more glance around he pulled out his favorite Star Wars lighter and took a massive hit. When his lungs couldn’t handle it any longer he blew through the horn, watching the smoke glide into the night sky. A few more hits later he found a crowd of freshmen surrounding him in awe. He felt like a king summoning servants to his throne. As more smoke filled the air, they noticed a Ram-shaped cloud billowing through the sky. He felt invincible, for his new discovery not only gave him the best of luck on his exams but he also got

highly connected with his peers. The line grew long throughout the night as more freshmen waited to blow that horn. Ever since Juan’s good luck discovery, freshmen have used the horn for some quick fun. As the tradition continues, it

seems more students have become accustomed to the large number of stoner freshmen. We have found that smoking the weed has actually been encouraged because of the luck these grand horns hold. So when you need some luck, head to the horns and blow away.

f O s u s e J

h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr

jesus of blazereth

This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.

The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes.

jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.”

The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him:

“We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said.

“They have no wine!” Mary said.

Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.”

Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of

“Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched.

“No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus yelled:

“Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.


Relationship Status: Taken


Major: Bio Favorite Drink: Cider Favorite Shot: Chilled shot of vodka with an OJ back Disgusting Drink: Fireball


What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Ron Burgundy What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: Am I gonna have to go Dragonlady on this person!?


DRINKING GAME Easter Egg Bombs It’s time for everyone’s favorite holiday, Easter! It’s so great! There’s candy and eggs and creepy bunnies and dye that never comes off your fingers! How amazing! Let’s get drunk! What You’ll Need: 5-dozen eggs, shot glasses and your favorite tequila. Number of People: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: May the eggs be ever in your favor. How to Play: - Take about a half-hour and hard boil half of those eggs. For those of you who are keeping track, that’s 30 eggs. If you don’t know how to do this, call your mom or ask the Google. - Once the eggs are done, give them a chance to cool. Toss them in the refrigerator. Otherwise, it’s going to be really easy to tell which ones are hard boiled and which ones aren’t. - When everything’s cool, take out the egg cartons and place them on the table. - One by one, blindly pick one egg from all of the cartons. Hand it to the person next to you and have them throw it at you from ten or so feet away. - If it breaks, that sucks! Take a shot of tequila too, so you can further embarrass yourself. - If it doesn’t break, you got lucky this time. Have the next person draw an egg and continue on.


Roxy’s motto, five words or less: Ooooh, shit Clarence Carter!

Give us an original swear word substitute: Fudgecrackers, for fuck. What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: A pig getting slaughtered. Would you rather be caught eating a booger or smelling your own fart?: Smelling my own fart. If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: My pinky toe. How are we going to get out of this mess?: Call Ghostbusters. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Everyone needs a good laugh.

RECIPE for DISASTER Simple, Sexy Sugar Cookies Oh god, these aren’t the ones from the tube? You mean, like, I have to measure stuff? But… uh…what about, I mean do you think the store is open so we can just go get a tube of them? Do we even have flour? Why did we wait until 2a.m. to do this, Karen? What You Need: 2 ¾ cups flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 ½ cups white sugar, 1 cup of butter, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract Cook Time: 25 minutes Fatty Factor: SHUT UP KAREN, I NEED THE SUGAR TO HELP ME STUDY. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Melt the cup of butter in a saucepan over very low heat. -In a bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda and baking powder. -In another bowl mix the melted butter and sugar together until smooth. -Beat egg and vanilla into the butter and sugar mix. -Gradually blend dry mixture into the butter mix. -Roll into about one dozen balls. Slightly smoosh them, and place the smooshed balls onto a parchment paper-covered baking sheet. -Bake in oven for 8-10 minutes. -The cookies will be soft when you pull them. This is normal. Don’t continue cooking past 12 minutes, or you’ll burn the bottoms. -Let rest for at least 5 minutes.

The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone, and you guys could make a mean-ass omelet with shit on your face.

Try to eat just one. Really, try, because you’ll fail. You’ll fail and everyone will think you’re a big fat fatty (because you are.)




ROMANS 4:20 - “AND GOD SAID, 'LET THERE BE WEED'” STAFF WROTE THIS From the first day of creation, God celebrated what was natural. To act against that celebration would be disgraceful. For if you reject His ways, you are not living a full, wholesome life.

fingernails and responded saying, “That is the price one pays to walk in the footsteps of the Lord. When thy defecates, your deed becomes holy shit. Do not become disgruntled. It is a blessing.”

One day, Paul was wandering through the fields with his disciples. Wrath and annoyance bubbled in his core as he wanted some alone time. When Paul felt the Devil condemn him, urging him to beat the living crap out of his posse, Paul went to Jesus for advice.

Like many who also came to Jesus with problems, Paul was dumbfounded. He thought: “How could a man so blessed and renowned be so passive?”

He dropped to Jesus’ feet and said, “I can go on no longer. I cannot be alone. Where I walk, they walk. Where I stand, they stand. The Devil is trying to convince me to do atrocious acts. Please, help me follow in your ways.”

Jesus smirked and responded, “Return to the field you wondered in down yonder. Rejoice in the abundance of peace God planted for you.”

Jesus checked for dirt under his

Paul replied, “Forgive me, Son, but I am still lost.”

Paul sighed. He knew Jesus would be of no help. He moseyed back to the field. When he arrived, he saw

his men raising their arms in the air in praise, shouting, “Alleluia!”

depart, they were stilled by who they saw across the field.

Behind the apostles burned a green bush. Five prominent leaves sprout off the stem, the tallest on top. The burning consumed the bushes, illuminating the field. The fire spread to similar, smaller weeds that filled the land.

Walking on fire, Jesus made his way to them across the burning field. He walked with grace, no flame making him scared or timid. He smiled at the stunned men, his arms outstretched.

The odor of the burning weeds washed over the men. They inhaled slow and deep, rejoicing in the beautifully burning creation God graced upon them. The odor filled their lungs, and they let the holy ghost of smoke that was emitted from the fire take control of their bodies. Serenity covered them all, until the fire spread to their feet. When it seemed like the peace was disturbed and they would have to

“Bask in the wonder that is the Lord,” Jesus proclaimed to the men. “Breathe and know what righteousness is.” The dumbfounded look on the men’s faces quickly dissipated and laughter illuminated the field. The men keeled over, holding their sides. Jesus looked on at the men, amused at their reactions. The men laughed and cried at the same time. They leaned on one another. Paul peed his pants.

When the laughter subsided, Jesus asked the men to sit. They joined him, sitting on the flames that grew beneath them, the smoke from the weeds completely consuming them now. “Peace be with you,” Jesus said, raising his hands forward. “And also with you,” the men said in serene, harmonic voices, with eyes beet-red. “Know that the Lord is good and He

brings you peace,” Jesus continued. “The beauty he created for you will fill your life. When the Devil creeps into your soul, swaying you away from the Lord, know that God will help you come back. He will take you to his fields and fill you with the Holy Ghost. He will fill your lungs with life.” The men closed their eyes and smiled, nodding along with what Jesus said. “For God sayeth, weed is good,” Jesus said and inhaled deeply.

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the wordsearch

weed strains

White Widow Blueberry Yum Yum Mango Kush Blue Dream Death Star OG Kush Pineapple Express High Mids Northern Lights Jurassic Haze Afgooey Cinderella Cheese Granddaddy Purple Jack Herer Sour Diesel Maui Waui Romulan Super Silver Haze Harlequin


the madlib

my 4/20 adventure

For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of 4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious.  Starting right at the stroke (toke) of midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___ and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremoni-

ous joint at Hole Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful. 

1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza







VCU - Issue 3 - 4/17/2014  
VCU - Issue 3 - 4/17/2014  

VCU - Issue 3 - 4/17/2014